Original subtitles

All right.

You all know the rules to Dizzy Bowl, right?

Yes.

Okay.

All right, Drew, you're up first.

Now, you have to shoot within three seconds.

Okay?

Is there a fault?

Okay.

All right.

One, two... Shoot!

Shoot!

Shoot!

Wow!

He actually hit that cue ball.

Okay.

That's one point for Drew.

All right.

All right.

Lewis, you're up next.

Oh, okay.

All right.

There we go.

One, two... Whoa.

Oh.

Wow.

So that drinking really paid off, huh?

Oh, Drew.

Wow.

It didn't even feel that one.

I thought your knees were the first thing to go.

Hey, Carrie.

Everyone else sees this, right?

Yeah.

Hey, Clemens.

I got a riddle for you.

What has four legs attracts flies and shouldn't be in my yard.

Oswald and Lewis.

Okay, let me add to that riddle.

What has the brain, the size of...

What eats standing...

What smells... Ah, forget it.

We're only gonna be a minute, Drew.

This is Charlie.

Oh, does he live in your house?

How do you keep him off the couch?

Well, he used to live in his stable, but we took him out because he's been

depressed ever since the horse used to live

with Steve and died of colic about a month ago.

So where are you gonna keep him?

That's where you come in, Carrie.

We want to buy your house.

Well, my house isn't a barn.

It could be if we clean it up a little.

All right, that's it.

Listen, my house isn't for sale.

Now, get out of here.

You and... Hold on, I've been waiting my whole life to say this.

You and the horse you rode in on.

All this energy calling me, back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the grims and lips go Cleveland Rocks.

Cleveland Rocks.

She's living in sin with a safe fit.

Go Cleveland Rocks.

Why don't we start here?

This is our premier wedding package.

Just picture yourself on the most important day of your life.

It sounds beautiful.

We'll take everything.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold the phone a minute.

This looks a little pricey.

How much say are those flowers?

Only $3,000.

You know what?

We can make tissue flowers.

It'll be fun.

Hey, who's gonna even notice the flowers when

they're wearing these great-looking jackets?

How much are they?

Those are the Prince Philip style morning coats.

They're an absolute steal at $350 apiece.

That's not bad.

To rent.

How much are these snappy blue tuxes?

About a hundred each.

Oh, my God, is this the price of the bridesmaid's dresses?

Okay, but we gotta have a good band.

How much does that cost?

Well, a string quartet is about $1,000 for a night.

You know, if we cut back on the suits, maybe we could afford a better band.

I'm scared to even ask this, but how much is the wedding dress?

Which one do you like?

Well, this is the style I'm looking for.

Oh, that one's $2,000.

Kate.

It looks so beautiful.

You can't afford it.

There's so much money for a dress you're only gonna wear once, Katy Bear.

You're right.

Wait a second.

I got an idea.

We'll cut back on beer.

I'm sure everybody will understand.

Who am I kidding?

We need beer.

Well, isn't there anything we can afford?

Well, I understand.

They have a lovely ceremony at Chuck E.

Cheese.

Well, that'd be romantic.

That's where we had our first date.

Oh, uh-huh.

Hi.

Look, when we decided to pay for the wedding

ourselves, we knew there'd be some sacrifices.

How about we scale down the guest list to just the dress and me?

Hey, you know, maybe you could have one of those weird weddings where everything's

free because you're giving publicity to something.

Hey, I read in the paper that the Cleveland

Zoo has a gorilla who's an ordained minister.

Uh, it's just one problem.

After the ceremony, he throws...

Well, let's just say it's not rice.

I don't believe it.

This is it.

This is the exact dress.

What dress?

Let me see.

It's the dress I always dreamed about since I was a kid.

It's the dress my Barbie wore.

Oh, I remember that dress.

You wanted to get it so you could get married to one of the banana splits.

Congratulations.

Your dream came true.

Well, that settles it.

If that's the dress my candy bear wants, then we're going

to Eileen's once-a-year bridal blowout sale to get it.

You coming, guys?

Better than that, we're going to get there first

thing in the morning, so we're sure to get that dress.

Yeah.

Lewis, did you find it?

I might have found it.

Where's Kate?

Over there.

By that rack.

O'Brien, if these little prices, you got to hit them in the candy.

Oh, that's very nice, Drew.

They say a blow-up doll is never more lovely than on her wedding day.

I'm here to help Kate.

What are you doing here?

Do they find another one of you in Loch Ness?

I'm looking for a dress for a rock video I'm going to be in.

Insane clown posse?

Yeah.

Kate!

Kate!

Is this the dress you want?

Let me show you one more time.

This is the dress.

These are the shoes.

How could you forget?

How many tea parties did you and I have with this doll?

Oh, I'm standing here in a wedding dress.

You know, you can pull that off.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

I mean, you can pull that off right now.

You look like you're on the cover of Prison Bride.

Hey, you!

Out of that dress, now!

Usually a lady buys me a couple of drinks first.

It's not here.

I'm never going to find it.

You mean like the one your Barbie dolls wear?

Yeah.

I've seen it.

It's over here.

Here comes the bride!

Here comes the bride!

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

I can't believe nobody bought it yet.

It's a designer gown.

They don't put dresses like that on sale, Ellie Mae.

Oh, how much is it?

It's only, uh, fifty... oh, five hundred.

Oh, five thousand.

Oh... Bye-bye, dress.

I'll miss you.

Fifty-five thousand dollars?

I thought we could afford that if we pulled our

money together and bought a gun or robbed a bank.

You know what?

I'm being silly.

Marrying you is what matters, not a dress.

I could be completely happy married to you naked.

Hey!

No.

Jeez, is everybody in the world getting married?

Don't worry, Mimi.

Someday your prince will come.

Or something named Prince.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, listen.

Oh, for God's sake, would you look at that.

Martha, Martha, come in here.

You gotta see this.

There's a pool table inside the house.

Amazing, isn't it?

Next, I'm thinking furniture that goes on the lawn.

I just don't know what to call it.

Okay, I'll bite.

So why isn't the pool table in the backyard anymore?

So I could buy Kate's... this.

Hey, that's the one she want.

You spent five thousand dollars on a wedding dress?

Yep.

Horse's ass.

I thought I was doing something not.

Oh, you mean the horse in my backyard.

What?

Oh, no.

I was talking about you.

You're a horse's ass.

Hey, you didn't see Kate's face when she saw that dress.

You know, if father was still around, he'd have found a way to buy a four.

But he's not, so... I did.

So where'd you get the money?

Neighbors gave me five thousand dollars to put the horse up in my backyard.

What?

You sold your backyard so some big dumb animal

could stand out here all day doing nothing.

And look, he's in my spot.

Long-legged swayback crap machine.

You're talking about the horse now, right?

Okay, sure.

File these away for me, would you, Amy?

All right.

Oh, once you have found her, never let her go.

Oh, once you have found her, never let her.

..

Uh, spring, when young man's fancy turns my stomach.

And when's the last time you even saw a young man's fancy?

When's the last time you even saw your fancy?

Can't upset me, Mimi, because I just said the

best thing a friend can do for another friend.

You know that dress that Kate wanted for her wedding?

Well, I bought it for her.

I'm going to surprise her with it tomorrow at the shower.

Wow.

You're doing all these beautiful things for a woman that you can never have?

You're the hunch front to note your name.

Yes, sir?

Hold my calls, Mimi.

I'm going to run out and grab a sandwich.

Yes, sir.

Great.

Now we got to go get another sandwich.

That means I have to flirt with the lunch lady to get extra meat again.

Ask, get ready to shake.

You don't have to ask it.

It just does it on its own.

Hey, Mimi, as Drew here, I want to show him this wedding dress I just got downstairs.

No, he's... Wait, you just got Kate a wedding dress?

Yeah, it's a surprise.

$145.

When are you going to give it to her?

At the shower.

Look, I got to say something about that dress.

Well, now, hold on one minute there.

I know it isn't your style.

It doesn't have any spangles or polka dots or cowbells,

but, you know, not everybody needs that much attention.

Well, thank you for your input.

What I was going to say is, don't show the dress to Drew now.

Show it to him at the shower.

Why?

Well, if you show it to him now, there'll be one last ooh and aah.

You know, you're right.

You got a hard show, but down deep, you're just an old shop, aren't you?

Guilty as charged.

Let me just ask you one favor.

What?

Please let me go to the shower.

Oh, well, you know, it's just going to be friends

and family, and Kate says you make her nervous.

I'll bring a ham.

All right.

See you there.

Dear father, I hope you're sitting down because I got a shocker.

This is not a joke.

Please, just keep Drew alive for one more week so that

I can go to what should be one hell of a funny shower.

Oh, and as usual, thank you for the color peacock blue.

I don't know quite what this means, Mimi, but thank you.

You open this one, honey.

You do know the woman's supposed to wear that, right?

It's my day, too.

All right.

Oh, well, this is from the Clemens.

It's a gift certificate to a bookstore.

Thank you.

That's nice.

Thanks.

We'll use this.

Actually, that's for Kate.

Oh.

But there's something in there for you, too.

Oh, yeah?

It's a ball.

A rat ball.

Want to get a picture of this?

Oh, yeah.

Smile, click.

Hey, hey, his eyes are closed.

Take another.

I only got about 200 shots left.

I got a hunch that this party's gonna get way more interesting.

I lost the card on this one, so I'm not sure who it's from.

I thought I'd go great in that big, empty spot over your bed.

Don't worry, honey.

When he's not around, we'll just turn it around.

Way ahead of you, buddy.

I have more little pizzas, everybody.

Hey, Carrie, how come you're not pushing my hand?

I will later.

Don't ever use that expression to me again.

Let's get to the big gifts.

Oswald, Drew, don't you have something for Kate?

Well, I guess now's as good a time as any.

Hello, everyone.

How are you all?

I know I'm not invited, and I won't make a scene.

Man, is he drunk.

He's not gonna remember any of this.

Oh, yes, he will.

Mr. Wick, look, I know how you feel about Caden.

Even though you think your love for her is eternal...

Hello, lovely.

What spice girl might you be, huh?

Knock you out, Spice, if you touch me.

Oh, it's all right.

I'll just take him upstairs and get him undressed and let him sleep it off.

Might have to get him a little tired first, but... Uh, sorry, Mimi.

I need those kind of ghosts in my house.

Come on.

Okay, I have a special presentation to make to my beloved Kate.

Now, I know it's not exactly what you wanted, but

it's the best I could do, and I hope you like it.

Oh, honey, I couldn't imagine anything more beautiful.

Okay, everybody.

If I can have your attention, I have a special presentation...

...that I want to make to my best friend, Kate.

Okay, uh, just a review.

Kate just said I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

Take a trip.

Here you go.

What's this?

Oh, I... I hope it's a dream come true.

Can you just move to the left?

Get in the light.

Just get in the light!

Oh, this isn't fair.

I should have gone last.

You used up all her excitement on my gift.

Oh, my God!

It's the dress!

You rat!

You set me up by giving me the crappy dress first!

I love you both!

Why'd you give her the dress, Drew?

I didn't know what... You're always doing this to me.

Look this way!

You did this on purpose to make me look like a fool.

No, Oswald, when I said crappy, I meant crepe.

Isn't that the way he pronounced this material?

Oh, she's all full of crepe.

She knows what she meant.

Geez, Drew, what the hell were you thinking?

I know what he was thinking, and I want to talk to you about it right now.

Outside.

Let's go.

Come on.

Right now.

Come on.

Oswald!

Just can't give her up, can you?

Oswald, it's just a dress.

I don't care.

You're ruining the shower.

If you don't stop fighting, I'm leaving.

He did this to make me look bad.

He wants us to break up.

He always wanted us to break up.

He said we were wrong for each other.

What?

It's a lot, pal.

It's just between you and me.

Kate, wait!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?

She's my fiancé.

I should talk to her.

Hold on there, buddy.

Think about this for a minute, okay?

Kate's angry, all right?

You really want to be the first one in that door?

Let her slap Drew around for a while, huh?

Then when she's done with the heavy bag and a little arm wear, you go in.

Thanks for reminding me what a best friend's all about, buddy.

I just have one question, though.

Why didn't you break up the fight?

It's been brewing for 30 years.

There's nothing I can do.

Mm.

Scared of the horses, huh?

They got metal feet and big long faces.

What happened?

Why didn't you tell me you didn't think Oswald and I were right for each other?

What do you care what I think?

Ouch!

Where's the waffle maker?

Where's the waffle maker?

I didn't want you to get angry.

Aren't you tired of being categorized in such an unflattering light?

Ouch!

Ouch!

Ouch!

Ouch!

Hey, what are you mad at me?

I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at me.

I don't want to get mad...

I want to thank you for the most intense five minutes of my life.

Blindfolding me.

As if it weren't dark enough.

Have you no shame?

What's he talking about?

Great shower, everybody.

Well, good night.

So you're saying not one person is going to say anything?

Yep, not one.

You know what?

Instead of 50 bucks, let's put a hundred on this.

You're on.

Morning, pig.

Geez, can you lose a little weight?

I mean, I know I make fun, but it's getting out of hand.

Wait a minute.

You smell better.

And I can't believe not a single person noticed

the difference between Carrie and a horse.

Hey, you want to try it with a big rock?

What?

Double or nothing?

For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

Fish, nobody can do.

No!