Original subtitles

Thanks for having the cousin's picnic, Drew.

Everybody's having a great time.

Hey, your family.

I could sand you people at least one day a year.

Hey, who wants a tofu dog?

Hey, Lewis, could you get some more piz beer?

We're almost out.

Please, why don't you just flood the backyard and give them all the snorkels?

No, and we just ate.

How you doing?

Hey.

Bill Carey.

Has Drew ever told you about me?

No, but let me guess.

You're single.

Nothing on the horizon.

Been stuck in the same job 10 to 20 years.

Because your boss won't give you a stinking break.

And you've been hanging out with the same loser friends since high school.

Maybe I don't need my loser friends.

You seem pretty nice.

I'm a lateral move, son.

I've changed my mind, bro.

I'm going home.

What are you talking about?

You've been upstairs primping for hours.

You're trying to have four different dresses.

You look great.

I look fat.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

You cut that out now.

You look better than half the women out there.

Thanks for trying.

Hey, Lucy, what are you worried about, huh?

I'll go out there with you when you make your big announcement to your cross duster.

And then we'll revive the relatives we like.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Kristin.

How's my favorite cousin, huh?

Great.

You know, you should tell your date she needs a slip.

You can see everything through that skirt.

Steve?

Honey, there's something I have to tell you.

I dress like a woman.

Wow.

Why?

There's many things about Steve that are a mystery, Kristin.

Except, for one thing, you better put on a slip.

Sorry.

Man, I never would have guessed.

Sorry.

I hope they had to freak you out.

Hey, I walked in on Grandma in the bathroom.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Your mom said you were looking for colleges.

No, I got into Case Western.

Oh, great.

Boy, I wish I knew somebody who lived in Cleveland with a nice house I could stay in.

Hey, I know what you're getting at.

No, I said a nice house.

Now that you mention it, I guess this would do until the dorm's open.

You mean all summer?

Okay, listen, before I say yes, there's a few ground rules.

First of all, when I bring home a date...

if I bring home a date...

what the hell, I could use some company.

Thanks.

Hey, Drew, how's it hanging?

I can't tell.

Great.

Then I'm ready.

Wish me luck.

Hey, guys.

It's me, Steve.

Whistling Thanks, Uncle Bob.

All this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude It's

back where it belongs All the little chicks with their grins and lips go

Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks She's living in sin

with her safe defense Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks

Who rearranged my desk?

Mimi?

So should I put on a face mask, a cup, or should I run like hell?

Well, a mask only covers your face.

You've got nothing to protect with a cup.

And unless they're giving away chocolate pork

chops outside, you ain't running nowhere.

Bing.

Bing, boom.

What's the sound three mirrors make when you look at them?

I didn't touch your desk.

Your cousin Kristen rearranged it.

Man, you gave a kid a part-time job?

She goes crazy.

Hey!

Look who she put on my candy bars.

Now I don't have to bend over so far to get to them.

Actually, that was my idea.

Not that I don't enjoy my hourly viewing of the great divide.

Hey, cuz.

Here, Mimi.

I have updated your phone directory.

And I got you a little something for not punishing me because I'm related to Drew.

Oh, it's a troll tribute to the 70s.

It's the village trolls.

Morning, all.

El Goody, more trolls.

At last you've managed to get rid of the last

two square inches of sanity on your desk.

Mr. Wick, if you sign my proof of employment, I need it for my student loan.

Mimi, where's this young lady's proof of employment?

Oh, I must have left it in the copy room.

I'll get it when I'm done rearranging my trolls.

Couldn't we get it now?

I still don't get it when I'm done rearranging my trolls.

Who's giving orders to whom here?

He asked rhetorically before taking the temp to go get it himself.

Follow me.

In the Navy.

In the Navy.

I think it's time that they put you away.

I think it's time that they put you away.

Shut up, you stupid, you...

Oh, crap, here's the proof of employment form.

It's here all the time.

I'll give it to her.

You stay here and play with the troll.

I'm talking to you, William Ian.

Hey, Mimi, I've got a package for Mr. Wick.

Hey, Doofus, don't you get bored out of your skull delivery boxes all day?

Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight.

Eighty-eight tiles from the elevator to your desk.

I don't think that is a no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What?

What happened?

I just saw Kristen and Mr. Wick kissing in the copy room.

Uh, look, this is very embarrassing.

Why don't we go into my office?

I'm fine where I am.

Give me one reason why I shouldn't punch you in the mouth.

Well, first of all, I'd break like a rice cake.

And it was mutual.

Listen, you were only eighteen.

You are fresh out of high school.

You don't know anything about life.

And I will not have you learning about it before I do.

Drew, this is really not a big deal.

I'm very mature for my age.

And I'm very immature.

It's quite a good fit, really.

Hey, hey, nobody's fitting anybody, all right?

You're getting another job, and you're gonna

see her again, and that's the end of the story.

Drew, this isn't the way to handle the situation.

It's not fair!

I hate you!

You wanna see it out there?

I'll show you not fair.

Oh, good Lord, he's gonna drop his pants.

Hello?

No, Mr. Wick, I'm not talking to you about Kristen.

Case closed.

Well, you're a bigger one.

Hey, Drew.

So where's Lolita?

She's upstairs sulking.

Man, I can't believe this was happening for a week right under my nose.

I didn't even have a clue.

Drew, you never know what's going on at work

unless it's in front of the vending machine.

That's not true.

By the way, dear, old man Henderson had a heart

attack in front of the muffin cart yesterday.

I got a question.

What's the big deal about a younger woman dating an older man?

I mean, they're both a legal age.

No, I'm not shutting up.

I got a right to ask.

I can have my own point of view, you know.

So what's with this creepy old guy forcing himself on that little angel?

Kristen, maybe you and I should have a little private talk.

That's right.

You listen to her, Missy.

She's made every possible bad choice, this one.

There's not a loser, a nut job, or a space case she hasn't thrown herself at.

Hey.

Now you listen to him.

Do what you want.

Apparently, I'm a big whore.

Oh, gee, I wonder who that could be.

I'll get it.

I am not letting wit through this door.

Drew, I have five Carrie brothers.

I learned a long time ago how to flip a fat man.

You know, you put me in a hell of a situation here.

He's my boss, you know.

He's a killer.

Hello, Mr. Kitty.

You can't see Kristen.

Go home.

Fine.

I'll just come out there.

No, no, Kristen.

We're going to do this the right way.

I want your family's approval.

All I ask is five minutes to speak with you, man to man.

Yeah, sure.

Compliment me.

Kristen, why don't you go wait in the other room?

We don't need anybody getting all emotional here.

I'll miss you.

Are you helping?

Is that helping?

Sit down.

Listen, I'm not sure I want to know the answer to this, but...

How far is this thing gone?

Sir, I'm an Englishman.

I never kiss and tell.

That's where in America, second base.

Leave him second base or New York second base?

How would I know?

We touched bumpies but not noughties.

Look, Carrie, I want your blessing, but the fact is, she's of age,

I'm of age, and there's very little you can do to keep us apart.

Yeah, I guess she got me over a barrel.

Which, by the way, is Kentucky second base.

Listen, you just protect her with your life.

She's the only good-looking Carrie.

We're still doing a test on her.

Kristen?

Yeah?

If you want to wreck my life and ruin any chance I have of sleeping, and tie my guts

in a knot that'll gridlock my lunch for the next year, then go out with Mr. Mick.

Well, Drew, if you feel that strongly about

it, I guess you shouldn't ask for the car, too.

Thanks for understanding, Drew.

I'll see you guys later.

We're off to the symphony, everyone.

I'll have her back by midnight.

Ta!

Ta!

I think I did the right thing.

I hope I did the right thing.

Well, now you know all the pain and anguish your

parents went through the time you went out on your date.

Morning.

How's it going?

Great.

I was just making you breakfast because you were so nice last night.

Oh, hey, listen.

Not that much older than you.

I mean, I remember what it's like to be young, fighting certain urges.

I read, Are You There, God?

It's me, Margaret.

That's about a girl getting her period.

Wow.

Totally misinterpreted that.

It's how'd your date go?

Great.

And I was home before midnight.

Hey, you know what?

You could have been home at 12.30.

It wouldn't matter to me.

I'm cool like that.

That's why you're my favorite cousin, Drew.

I mean, you do the dishes after you use them.

That's why you're my favorite cousin.

Hey, look, this one's so shiny, I can see the naked man I'm gonna go kill.

Okay, let's be civilized about this.

Where are my manners?

Here you are, half naked in my kitchen, and I haven't started beating you yet.

Don't talk to conclusions.

Now, hear me out.

Haven't you ever been talking to someone

fascinating and just totally lost track of time?

Yeah, but I didn't lose track of my pants.

Yes, but haven't you ever been eating something and then you spilled something

on your pants and you take them off to get the stain out?

Yeah.

And then haven't you ever celebrated getting the stain out by having sex?

Drew, put down the bat.

I've seen you at the family softball games.

You're just gonna miss his head and throw out your shoulder.

Yeah, you're right.

But I never missed with this.

Kristen, I want you to leave the room.

This could get messy.

You gonna cry?

I might.

So, you gonna stop singing or do I have to use this?

What's it gonna be?

We're in love, Drew.

Aw, man.

I'm sorry.

Started out just goofing around.

So, you're telling me that I have to go to my aunt and uncle and tell them that my

middle -aged boss has serious intentions toward their little girl?

I'm afraid so.

And then after the family kicks us out, the next

family barbecue's just gonna be you guys and me?

Yay.

I've got lots of relatives.

We like to sunbathe nude.

Hey, Mimi, you got a package for me?

Mm-hmm.

You're sending a package to Drew's cousin?

Yeah, it's a congratulations.

I'm so happy you're in a relationship with the man I love, gift.

That's welcome.

All suspicious packages must be thoroughly investigated.

Oh, it's a... it's a... it's a teddy bear.

You sure are a fuzzy one, aren't you?

I think I'll call you Mr. Fuzzy.

Oh, look, he talks, too.

God, it's Amy in your head.

Turn the bear away.

Turn the bear away.

Oh, my God, don't fire me.

It's not my fault.

It's Mimi's bear.

Look at me.

I'm the butt of a joke.

And we'll all live a little longer having laughed at it.

Thank you.

Drew, have you seen Wick?

He's all nice now.

It's creepy.

It's like running into Satan and adopt a pet.

I know.

That's why I had to take some drastic measures.

Tonight, I'm treating him both to a dinner cruise on the river.

Uh-huh.

Is what I'd say if that made any sense.

See, I'm an authority figure, and Kristen's rebelling against me.

Now, if I pretend I'm all right with all of this,

maybe the forbidden fruit won't taste so sweet.

How the hell would you know what fruit tastes like?

I'll have you know that every morning... Not counting Pop-Tarts.

Hey, kids!

Having fun?

Yeah.

Well, the teen center is closed.

Get the hell out.

I suppose you know why I'm here, Carrie.

They hit the last of my dreams over the head with a shovel?

You still have dreams?

No.

I'm here about Wick and your cousin.

The point is, your cousin is distracting Wick from his job.

He's not the bastard I hire.

And you're responsible.

Split them up.

Or I'll be riding you like a carnival pony at a children's birthday party.

Which is on the 5th, by the way.

Learn decanter.

Carrie residence.

No, he's not home from work yet.

Can I take a message?

Oh, Kristen's mom.

How you doing?

It's Lewis.

That's right.

The tall, putty-nosed geek.

That's me, Mr. B.D.

Eyes.

Right, Ichabod Crane, all right?

You know who I am.

Okay, now you're just being mean.

What?

Kristen, yeah, she's fine.

Well, let's just say she's been boning up on her English.

Don't go.

Bye-bye.

Ashley Judd, out of gas.

Just this once.

Come on, baby.

Hi, Mr. Wick.

Hello.

I've come to see Kristen.

Do you mind if I ask you something totally non-judgmental?

Certainly.

Have you no shame?

Would you date your own sister?

She's 18 years old, for God's sakes.

Jealous?

A little.

Mr. Wick, I'm glad you're here.

Listen, I have to talk about you and Kristen.

This has to stop.

I mean, how would you like to see me galve around

a yard with a six-year-old strapped to my back?

You just leave us alone.

Kristen!

How awkward a moment are you waiting for before you leave?

This is a good one.

Oh, Nigel, hey.

What's up?

I was gonna tell you what's up.

I gotta go to the kitchen and put the Fleeamer and the Kresnam infant.

I knew you'd be missing me, so I brought you a present.

A great big box of Nigel.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I got plans of getting together with some friends tonight.

What?

Are you saying that I wouldn't fit in?

No, I'm just saying you wouldn't be interested.

It's just a couple of guys met down at the gym.

You're going out with guys?

Yeah.

Yeah, Mark and Tom, they go to Cleveland State.

College boys.

Hey, I like them.

I like them a lot.

An old man river, he just keeps rolling along.

See you later, Mr. Wick.

Wait.

Why don't I drive you?

The whole evening could be my treat.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Why?

Because I'll be interrupting your sexual intercourse.

Whoa, and a car goes into the crowd.

This is getting incredibly creepy.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Good night, Nigel.

Clock it.

Time of death is 7-0-1.

Hey.

If you love something, let it go.

Better have love than love.

Strive carefully.

Buckle up.

Top.

Chickaboom, chickaboom.

Uh, don't you just love a chickaboom, chickaboom.

Don't you just love a chickaboom, chickaboom.

Don't you just love a chickaboom, chickaboom, boom, boom.

Oh, crap.

Get down off of there.

There's no street shoes on my pool table.

I'm gonna hose you down.

No!

No!

No!

Not my hair.

The collar will run down my neck.

I can't believe we're ending like this.

We were so perfect together.

Perfect?

Hey, listen.

No offense, but you're a pathetic older guy...

running after a girl who's younger than you and doesn't even love you.

You're not Dustin Hoffman in the graduate.

You're Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet.

I'll just get my coat and leave.

Where is your coat?

I didn't bring one.

I just want you to bring it down for one last goodbye, please.

All right.

All right, but that's it.

Hey, uh, Mr. Wick, I hope this hasn't hurt our relationship or work or anything.

Don't worry.

I couldn't take any less of you.

Thank you, sir.

One moment.

Yes?

Hey, we're Kristen's friends.

Are you the guy that's been bawling her?

She just called and said some British guy won't

leave her alone and we're here to kick his ass.

British?

Did I sound British to you, boy?

That fat four-eyed cleaner robber is upstairs bothering your girl last week.

Come on, Kristen.

On the floor, I just want to talk.

It's time to go to work.

Oh, hi.

You must be...

Hey, Kristen called us over.

It wasn't our idea, okay?

And if you ever touch my little brother again, I'll forget I'm a lady.