All language subtitles for The.Drew.Carey.Show.S03E25.Drews.Cousin-ing

Thanks for having the cousin's picnic,
Drew.

Everybody's having a great time.

Hey, your family.

I could sand you people at least one day a
year.

Hey, who wants a tofu dog?

Hey, Lewis, could you get some more piz
beer?

We're almost out.

Please, why don't you just flood the
backyard and give them all the snorkels?

No, and we just ate.

How you doing?

Hey.

Bill Carey.

Has Drew ever told you about me?

No, but let me guess.

You're single.

Nothing on the horizon.

Been stuck in the same job 10 to 20 years.

Because your boss won't give you a
stinking break.

And you've been hanging out with the same
loser friends since high school.

Maybe I don't need my loser friends.

You seem pretty nice.

I'm a lateral move, son.

I've changed my mind, bro.

I'm going home.

What are you talking about?

You've been upstairs primping for hours.

You're trying to have four different
dresses.

You look great.

I look fat.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

You cut that out now.

You look better than half the women out
there.

Thanks for trying.

Hey, Lucy, what are you worried about,
huh?

I'll go out there with you when you make
your big announcement to your cross duster.

And then we'll revive the relatives we
like.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Kristin.

How's my favorite cousin, huh?

Great.

You know, you should tell your date she
needs a slip.

You can see everything through that skirt.

Steve?

Honey, there's something I have to tell
you.

I dress like a woman.

Wow.

Why?

There's many things about Steve that are a
mystery, Kristin.

Except, for one thing, you better put on a
slip.

Sorry.

Man, I never would have guessed.

Sorry.

I hope they had to freak you out.

Hey, I walked in on Grandma in the
bathroom.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Your mom said you were looking for
colleges.

No, I got into Case Western.

Oh, great.

Boy, I wish I knew somebody who lived in
Cleveland with a nice house I could stay in.

Hey, I know what you're getting at.

No, I said a nice house.

Now that you mention it, I guess this
would do until the dorm's open.

You mean all summer?

Okay, listen, before I say yes,
there's a few ground rules.

First of all, when I bring home a date...

if I bring home a date...

what the hell, I could use some company.

Thanks.

Hey, Drew, how's it hanging?

I can't tell.

Great.

Then I'm ready.

Wish me luck.

Hey, guys.

It's me, Steve.

Whistling Thanks, Uncle Bob.

All this energy calling me Back where it
comes from It's such a crude attitude It's

back where it belongs All the little
chicks with their grins and lips go

Cleveland rocks, Cleveland
rocks She's living in sin

with her safe defense
Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks

Who rearranged my desk?

Mimi?

So should I put on a face mask,
a cup, or should I run like hell?

Well, a mask only covers your face.

You've got nothing to protect with a cup.

And unless they're
giving away chocolate pork

chops outside, you
ain't running nowhere.

Bing.

Bing, boom.

What's the sound three mirrors make when
you look at them?

I didn't touch your desk.

Your cousin Kristen rearranged it.

Man, you gave a kid a part-time job?

She goes crazy.

Hey!

Look who she put on my candy bars.

Now I don't have to bend over so far to
get to them.

Actually, that was my idea.

Not that I don't enjoy my hourly viewing
of the great divide.

Hey, cuz.

Here, Mimi.

I have updated your phone directory.

And I got you a little something for not
punishing me because I'm related to Drew.

Oh, it's a troll tribute to the 70s.

It's the village trolls.

Morning, all.

El Goody, more trolls.

At last you've managed
to get rid of the last

two square inches
of sanity on your desk.

Mr. Wick, if you sign my proof of
employment, I need it for my student loan.

Mimi, where's this young lady's proof of
employment?

Oh, I must have left it in the copy room.

I'll get it when I'm done rearranging my
trolls.

Couldn't we get it now?

I still don't get it when I'm done
rearranging my trolls.

Who's giving orders to whom here?

He asked rhetorically before taking the
temp to go get it himself.

Follow me.

In the Navy.

In the Navy.

I think it's time that they put you away.

I think it's time that they put you away.

Shut up, you stupid, you...

Oh, crap, here's the proof of employment
form.

It's here all the time.

I'll give it to her.

You stay here and play with the troll.

I'm talking to you, William Ian.

Hey, Mimi, I've got a package for Mr.
Wick.

Hey, Doofus, don't you get bored out of
your skull delivery boxes all day?

Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight.

Eighty-eight tiles from the elevator to
your desk.

I don't think that is a no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What?

What happened?

I just saw Kristen and Mr. Wick kissing in
the copy room.

Uh, look, this is very embarrassing.

Why don't we go into my office?

I'm fine where I am.

Give me one reason why I shouldn't punch
you in the mouth.

Well, first of all, I'd break like a rice
cake.

And it was mutual.

Listen, you were only eighteen.

You are fresh out of high school.

You don't know anything about life.

And I will not have you learning about it
before I do.

Drew, this is really not a big deal.

I'm very mature for my age.

And I'm very immature.

It's quite a good fit, really.

Hey, hey, nobody's fitting anybody,
all right?

You're getting another
job, and you're gonna

see her again, and
that's the end of the story.

Drew, this isn't the way to handle the
situation.

It's not fair!

I hate you!

You wanna see it out there?

I'll show you not fair.

Oh, good Lord, he's gonna drop his pants.

Hello?

No, Mr. Wick, I'm not talking to you about
Kristen.

Case closed.

Well, you're a bigger one.

Hey, Drew.

So where's Lolita?

She's upstairs sulking.

Man, I can't believe this was happening
for a week right under my nose.

I didn't even have a clue.

Drew, you never know
what's going on at work

unless it's in front of
the vending machine.

That's not true.

By the way, dear, old
man Henderson had a heart

attack in front of the
muffin cart yesterday.

I got a question.

What's the big deal about a younger woman
dating an older man?

I mean, they're both a legal age.

No, I'm not shutting up.

I got a right to ask.

I can have my own point of view,
you know.

So what's with this creepy old guy forcing
himself on that little angel?

Kristen, maybe you and I should have a
little private talk.

That's right.

You listen to her, Missy.

She's made every possible bad choice,
this one.

There's not a loser, a nut job, or a
space case she hasn't thrown herself at.

Hey.

Now you listen to him.

Do what you want.

Apparently, I'm a big whore.

Oh, gee, I wonder who that could be.

I'll get it.

I am not letting wit through this door.

Drew, I have five Carrie brothers.

I learned a long time ago how to flip a
fat man.

You know, you put me in a hell of a
situation here.

He's my boss, you know.

He's a killer.

Hello, Mr. Kitty.

You can't see Kristen.

Go home.

Fine.

I'll just come out there.

No, no, Kristen.

We're going to do this the right way.

I want your family's approval.

All I ask is five minutes to speak with
you, man to man.

Yeah, sure.

Compliment me.

Kristen, why don't you go wait in the
other room?

We don't need anybody getting all
emotional here.

I'll miss you.

Are you helping?

Is that helping?

Sit down.

Listen, I'm not sure I want to know the
answer to this, but...

How far is this thing gone?

Sir, I'm an Englishman.

I never kiss and tell.

That's where in America, second base.

Leave him second base or New York second
base?

How would I know?

We touched bumpies but not noughties.

Look, Carrie, I want your blessing,
but the fact is, she's of age,

I'm of age, and there's very little you
can do to keep us apart.

Yeah, I guess she got me over a barrel.

Which, by the way, is Kentucky second
base.

Listen, you just protect her with your
life.

She's the only good-looking Carrie.

We're still doing a test on her.

Kristen?

Yeah?

If you want to wreck my life and ruin any
chance I have of sleeping, and tie my guts

in a knot that'll gridlock my lunch for
the next year, then go out with Mr. Mick.

Well, Drew, if you
feel that strongly about

it, I guess you shouldn't
ask for the car, too.

Thanks for understanding, Drew.

I'll see you guys later.

We're off to the symphony, everyone.

I'll have her back by midnight.

Ta!

Ta!

I think I did the right thing.

I hope I did the right thing.

Well, now you know all
the pain and anguish your

parents went through the
time you went out on your date.

Morning.

How's it going?

Great.

I was just making you breakfast because
you were so nice last night.

Oh, hey, listen.

Not that much older than you.

I mean, I remember what it's like to be
young, fighting certain urges.

I read, Are You There, God?

It's me, Margaret.

That's about a girl getting her period.

Wow.

Totally misinterpreted that.

It's how'd your date go?

Great.

And I was home before midnight.

Hey, you know what?

You could have been home at 12.30.

It wouldn't matter to me.

I'm cool like that.

That's why you're my favorite cousin,
Drew.

I mean, you do the dishes after you use
them.

That's why you're my favorite cousin.

Hey, look, this one's so shiny,
I can see the naked man I'm gonna go kill.

Okay, let's be civilized about this.

Where are my manners?

Here you are, half naked in my kitchen,
and I haven't started beating you yet.

Don't talk to conclusions.

Now, hear me out.

Haven't you ever been
talking to someone

fascinating and just
totally lost track of time?

Yeah, but I didn't lose track of my pants.

Yes, but haven't you ever been eating
something and then you spilled something

on your pants and you take them off to get
the stain out?

Yeah.

And then haven't you ever celebrated
getting the stain out by having sex?

Drew, put down the bat.

I've seen you at the family softball
games.

You're just gonna miss his head and throw
out your shoulder.

Yeah, you're right.

But I never missed with this.

Kristen, I want you to leave the room.

This could get messy.

You gonna cry?

I might.

So, you gonna stop singing or do I have to
use this?

What's it gonna be?

We're in love, Drew.

Aw, man.

I'm sorry.

Started out just goofing around.

So, you're telling me that I have to go to
my aunt and uncle and tell them that my

middle -aged boss has serious intentions
toward their little girl?

I'm afraid so.

And then after the family
kicks us out, the next

family barbecue's just
gonna be you guys and me?

Yay.

I've got lots of relatives.

We like to sunbathe nude.

Hey, Mimi, you got a package for me?

Mm-hmm.

You're sending a package to Drew's cousin?

Yeah, it's a congratulations.

I'm so happy you're in a relationship with
the man I love, gift.

That's welcome.

All suspicious packages must be thoroughly
investigated.

Oh, it's a... it's a... it's a teddy bear.

You sure are a fuzzy one, aren't you?

I think I'll call you Mr. Fuzzy.

Oh, look, he talks, too.

God, it's Amy in your head.

Turn the bear away.

Turn the bear away.

Oh, my God, don't fire me.

It's not my fault.

It's Mimi's bear.

Look at me.

I'm the butt of a joke.

And we'll all live a little longer having
laughed at it.

Thank you.

Drew, have you seen Wick?

He's all nice now.

It's creepy.

It's like running into Satan and adopt a
pet.

I know.

That's why I had to take some drastic
measures.

Tonight, I'm treating him both to a dinner
cruise on the river.

Uh-huh.

Is what I'd say if that made any sense.

See, I'm an authority figure, and
Kristen's rebelling against me.

Now, if I pretend I'm
all right with all of this,

maybe the forbidden
fruit won't taste so sweet.

How the hell would you know what fruit
tastes like?

I'll have you know that every
morning... Not counting Pop-Tarts.

Hey, kids!

Having fun?

Yeah.

Well, the teen center is closed.

Get the hell out.

I suppose you know why I'm here,
Carrie.

They hit the last of my dreams over the
head with a shovel?

You still have dreams?

No.

I'm here about Wick and your cousin.

The point is, your cousin is distracting
Wick from his job.

He's not the bastard I hire.

And you're responsible.

Split them up.

Or I'll be riding you like a carnival pony
at a children's birthday party.

Which is on the 5th, by the way.

Learn decanter.

Carrie residence.

No, he's not home from work yet.

Can I take a message?

Oh, Kristen's mom.

How you doing?

It's Lewis.

That's right.

The tall, putty-nosed geek.

That's me, Mr. B.D.

Eyes.

Right, Ichabod Crane, all right?

You know who I am.

Okay, now you're just being mean.

What?

Kristen, yeah, she's fine.

Well, let's just say she's been boning up
on her English.

Don't go.

Bye-bye.

Ashley Judd, out of gas.

Just this once.

Come on, baby.

Hi, Mr. Wick.

Hello.

I've come to see Kristen.

Do you mind if I ask you something totally
non-judgmental?

Certainly.

Have you no shame?

Would you date your own sister?

She's 18 years old, for God's sakes.

Jealous?

A little.

Mr. Wick, I'm glad you're here.

Listen, I have to talk about you and
Kristen.

This has to stop.

I mean, how would you
like to see me galve around

a yard with a six-year-old
strapped to my back?

You just leave us alone.

Kristen!

How awkward a moment are you waiting for
before you leave?

This is a good one.

Oh, Nigel, hey.

What's up?

I was gonna tell you what's up.

I gotta go to the kitchen and put the
Fleeamer and the Kresnam infant.

I knew you'd be missing me, so I brought
you a present.

A great big box of Nigel.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I got plans of getting together with some
friends tonight.

What?

Are you saying that I wouldn't fit in?

No, I'm just saying you wouldn't be
interested.

It's just a couple of guys met down at the
gym.

You're going out with guys?

Yeah.

Yeah, Mark and Tom, they go to Cleveland
State.

College boys.

Hey, I like them.

I like them a lot.

An old man river, he just keeps rolling
along.

See you later, Mr. Wick.

Wait.

Why don't I drive you?

The whole evening could be my treat.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Why?

Because I'll be interrupting your sexual
intercourse.

Whoa, and a car goes into the crowd.

This is getting incredibly creepy.

I don't think we should see each other
anymore.

Good night, Nigel.

Clock it.

Time of death is 7-0-1.

Hey.

If you love something, let it go.

Better have love than love.

Strive carefully.

Buckle up.

Top.

Chickaboom, chickaboom.

Uh, don't you just love a chickaboom,
chickaboom.

Don't you just love a chickaboom,
chickaboom.

Don't you just love a chickaboom,
chickaboom, boom, boom.

Oh, crap.

Get down off of there.

There's no street shoes on my pool table.

I'm gonna hose you down.

No!

No!

No!

Not my hair.

The collar will run down my neck.

I can't believe we're ending like this.

We were so perfect together.

Perfect?

Hey, listen.

No offense, but you're a pathetic older
guy...

running after a girl who's younger than
you and doesn't even love you.

You're not Dustin Hoffman in the graduate.

You're Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet.

I'll just get my coat and leave.

Where is your coat?

I didn't bring one.

I just want you to bring it down for one
last goodbye, please.

All right.

All right, but that's it.

Hey, uh, Mr. Wick, I hope this hasn't hurt
our relationship or work or anything.

Don't worry.

I couldn't take any less of you.

Thank you, sir.

One moment.

Yes?

Hey, we're Kristen's friends.

Are you the guy that's been bawling her?

She just called and said
some British guy won't

leave her alone and
we're here to kick his ass.

British?

Did I sound British to you, boy?

That fat four-eyed cleaner robber is
upstairs bothering your girl last week.

Come on, Kristen.

On the floor, I just want to talk.

It's time to go to work.

Oh, hi.

You must be...

Hey, Kristen called us over.

It wasn't our idea, okay?

And if you ever touch my little brother
again, I'll forget I'm a lady.