Original subtitles

So, uh, this all works out.

That'd be your bedroom.

You know, we're not just talking about roommates here.

We're talking about a partnership.

Are you ready for that kind of commitment?

Who's he?

He's my ex.

Roommate.

He's moved on, but we're still social.

Well, I'm just looking for a place to drink beer, shoot pool, hang out.

Oh, if you like to drink beer, you've come to the right place, my friend.

Come here.

Tim!

Let there be beer!

It was good.

Well, I went right over a bar.

I went right over a blog.

Uh, she's got a frosty mug, but I'll bet she could make my slow gin fizz.

Well, thanks for coming.

We'll let you know.

That's the fifth guy you've turned away.

He didn't have a brain in his head.

How long do you think he could live with that?

You're right.

Him and his stupid jokes.

Slow gin fizz.

I'd like to twist his top off.

Pour him out.

If we could bottle that and get another guy to drink it, I'd have a new roommate.

Door.

Oh, Donnie Boy.

Hey,

Louis, did you order a drunken idiot?

Out of my way, hardly, boys.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't leave your empties here.

Take them back to your house.

Can't you scratch out an extra room with your hind claws?

The spin is rooming.

Well, I'm out of here.

I'm gonna go back downstairs and find Mr. Wright.

Anyone mean Mr. Wright?

Run!

Hi, you mind if I sit here?

My lucky chair.

What did I say?

I had an all-night drink and I didn't fall out of it.

Yeah, I'm kind of a regular here.

It's my second home.

So I guess you drink a lot.

Only enough to kill the pain.

See, normally I play this out a little longer, but I better stop you right now.

You got a boyfriend, huh?

No, I'm a professional.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm probably scaring away business.

I'm a dating consultant.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

Everybody wants a title.

What I do is watch your social intercourse and evaluate it.

Let me ask you straight out, are you a hooker or not?

It's a shame for you I'm not, because your

approach with women would work well on hookers.

What's a value date?

Wow, you really are like a dating consultant.

It's only $250 for a six-week course.

If you're interested, give us a call.

Listen, Drew Carey does not pay $250 to learn how to meet women.

Drew Carey meets one woman, spends $1,000 on an

engagement ring for her, she dumps them and he comes here.

That's what Drew Carey does.

Lewis, there's something terribly wrong with your toilet.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

I can't believe it's eight o'clock on a Saturday

night and I'm already done with my ironing.

Oh, what am I saying?

I'm not done.

Hey, Drew.

What you doing?

Oh, you know, guy stuff, watching a war movie.

Is that Shirley Temple?

Uh-huh.

Her dad's a Confederate officer and that guy's a Union soldier.

And Shirley is the spunky little regga muffin who just might bring him together.

Wow, look at our little legs go.

It's Saturday night and you're watching Shirley Temple.

That must mean it's... yeah, it's quarter to sad.

Hey, believe me, if I had something better to do...

Hey, did you ever hear of this place a value date?

I'm thinking of checking them out.

$250 bucks?

Jeez, I would tell my bad days what was wrong with them just for dinner and a movie.

There's dinner, there's a movie.

Let's go.

Okay, let's pretend we're on a first date.

It's that awkward time before they bring the menus where we have to make small talks.

Okay.

What do you say?

If you don't have sex with me tonight, I'm going to blow my head off.

See, I wouldn't call attention to your head.

Right.

Got it.

Okay.

Gee, you look lovely.

And I really like your haircut that way.

Thank you.

Yeah, you can see a lot more in your face now.

Excuse me?

Are you saying I got a lot of face?

No, I'm just saying it stands out more now with the hair.

Are you saying I got a big face and it's like bursting out of my hair?

No, your face is in perfect proportion to the rest of your body.

So now you're saying I got a big ass?

Because we know I got the big face.

Listen, you got a perfect face, a beautiful body.

Come on.

Let me see that big old jack-o'-lantern smile of yours.

I can't believe in 30 seconds you made me crazy about the way I look.

Is this what you've been doing to women?

You need professional help.

You should go to a value date.

If I didn't say anything about those toboggans, she calls feet.

As big as my foot might be, I might lose it when I'm about to bury it.

Hey, Doofus.

Hey, freak show.

You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about your marrying O'Brien.

I think she's enough of Drew.

What?

What makes you say that?

Well, I saw him going at it in the copy room stark naked.

I think I was Kate under there.

All I saw were two hands sticking out from underneath him going...

Well, that's what my kitty bear does.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, there's my date.

Gotta go.

Wait.

You can't just walk away after saying that?

Yes, I can.

There's just stuff I made up to screw with you.

Now that I know what O'Brien does in bed, I'm gonna use it against her work.

Thanks, Doofus.

Drew, relax.

Relax.

Joining a value date's gonna be the best money you've ever spent.

I hope so, because my date's right over there.

Now, listen, how do you actually observe the date?

Do you have to sit to the table with me or do I have

to strike out so loud you can hear me in the back?

No.

Just tell her that we're out-of-town business

associates and you don't know us that well.

Hi, Robin.

How are you?

This is Sue and Bill.

They're my out-of-town business associates.

I don't know them that well.

You look lovely.

I compare you to the other women in the room, but I can't even see them.

Drew, that's so sweet.

Let me order her some drinks.

Oh, uh, I don't drink.

Oh, I guess I got my work cut out for me, huh?

I can go to the bathroom with the door open.

I live all alone.

I can walk on the couch and no one yells at me.

No one, no one, no one, no one.

I can drink milk from the carton, cause no one's here to care.

Inspired in March.

Never drink milk, always stick to beer.

Who's that, who's that, who's that, who's that, who's that?

No, sir, old boy.

This is my friend, Burberry.

Would you mind sitting over here for a moment,

my dear, while I talk to my friend, Louis?

What are you doing here?

Do you mind if I crash at your place again?

I believe I'm too inebriated to drive.

Oh, no, you just want to use my bedroom to have a one-night stand, no?

One night?

That's quite a commitment.

I was thinking just maybe an hour or two.

No, I don't want strangers having sex in my bed unless I'm one of them.

Would, uh, fifty dollars change your mind?

Twenty bucks would change my mind.

Fifty gets you a photographer.

A hundred gets you no photographer.

Oh, man.

Listen, this is probably not a value, Dave.

I want to go home.

No, Drew, you are home.

Excuse me, but I think you're as beautiful as Emissary Dax on Deep Space Nine.

Don't be such a spa, Dax, as a hot chick with an old man worm in her head, okay?

What I'm saying, Twink, is she's in Seven of Nine's league.

Yeah, well, Seven of Nine couldn't carry your cybernetic implant.

Well, I could listen to this for about, oh, two minutes, and I just did,

so, goodbye.

So, uh, what's a guy like you need to take a date in class for, huh?

Oh, who, me?

I'm one of those guys who doesn't realize how attractive they are.

That's what my mom says about me.

Wouldn't it be great if you could marry your mom?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you in my force field.

Oh, uh, hello.

Hi.

Class, I would like to welcome all of our returning members back to a value date.

Tonight we have a new member.

Drew, would you like to stand up and introduce yourself to the group?

Not for all the money in the world.

Okay, let's start with a progress report from one of our returning students.

Who would like to tell us about a date they've had?

Theodore.

Um, I, uh, I asked about this girl who I work with, um, took her to an IMAX movie,

um, History of Flight.

Yeah, I've taken dates there.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Then I brought her to dinner, and I did the staring

thing that you taught us, but I don't think she liked it.

It's not staring, it's making eye contact for

five seconds, it establishes a connection.

Oh, well, I thought if, um, I thought if for five seconds

was good, then five minutes, she'd be all over me.

Uh-huh, okay.

Well, thanks.

Thanks.

Uh, who can tell me what mistake Theodore made?

Drew.

You don't stare at anything for five minutes and

let us a rattlesnake or a pie waiting to cool.

Would you mind if we went over the date I observed to teach the class a few things?

Well, you want to use me as an example?

Oh, I can see why.

I mean, kind of like a magician showing the

audience his tricks, but, uh, what the heck?

Good, because we had a hidden camera, and I videotaped it.

What?

That's 11 years and the same crappy job.

You know, I still haven't saved a dime.

Don't stop it there.

I mean, rewind it a little bit.

You'll see that she asked me, how come my suit looks so cheap?

But I was just explaining to her.

You could have put a better spin on it.

Yeah, yeah, spin, spin.

I mean, that's like the first thing that we learned.

Example, I am not a video store clerk.

I'm a filmrarian.

So, let's see how the rest of Drew's date went.

Do you see anything?

I think I sat in something wet.

I sat in some beer.

I was just trying to make sure that's what it was.

You don't smell your pants on a date, you dork munder.

Call your mom and have her bring you a fresh pair.

Class, class, Drew was nice enough to let us use this as

a teaching exercise, so there's no need for name calling.

Let's see how dinner went.

Hey, you know, before our salads get here, I was wondering,

maybe, do you want to go on another date tomorrow night?

Probably not.

Let's fast forward to dessert.

Okay.

Anyone?

You don't ask for another date before the salad arrives.

His head's too big.

He looks like my dad.

And now for the goodnight kiss.

You know damn well there was no goodnight kiss, you bastards.

I can't believe I'm paying good money, and if you might

recall, I haven't saved a dime to come here and get humiliated.

Aw, man, my pay date melted.

So if you've been engaged, just keep on laughing.

And we had sex.

And it wasn't in the chat room.

I thought so.

Well, somebody's looking a little down in the snout.

What's the matter?

Did you just realize that BLTs are made out of you?

Look, I don't want to argue, Mimi.

I just got ripped off by like a dating place.

So just take your shots and get out of your face.

I mean, get out of your face.

No.

You know, I never could relate to those dating service things.

I mean, every time I break up with a guy, I

know there'll be ten more banging on my door.

Gee, I wish I had a self-esteem as out of wack as yours.

Fine.

You don't want to talk about it, okay?

Look, I'm sorry.

I just... I'm beginning to doubt everything about myself.

I mean, first my engagement breaks off, then I get

laughed out of a dating class by a bunch of geeks.

I mean, I don't know what the hell's wrong with me anymore.

Just having a tough month, Drew.

Stay strong.

Well, thanks, Mimi.

That's really...

Wait a second.

You're being nice to me.

I can't have sunk that low.

Come on, take a shot.

Keep your chin up, Drew.

You mean chins, don't you?

Chins up?

Take care, buddy.

Oh, yeah?

I don't need you.

I don't need you to call me fat-ass or stupid or impotent to feel good about myself.

I can get a date any time I want to.

Hi, how much of that did you hear?

Look,

I came to the Better Business Bureau to put these people out of business.

Well, look at this, this so-called home haircutter.

Look what it did to me.

We'll contact the business, and if they don't

respond, we'll put them on our warning list.

Thank you.

Don't worry, brother.

We're gonna get those bastards.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

My name is Drew, and there's this business that made me a lot

of promises I could deliver, and I want to get my money back.

What kind of business was this?

Uh, hey, can I maybe talk to a guy about this?

Oh, um, if this is about the men's enhancement device, we can refer you to a

team of doctors who are working on a special sling.

What?

Oh, no, no.

It was a... it was this dating consultant

place, a value date, and it cost me 250 bucks.

I didn't learn a thing, and it was just a lousy, humiliating experience.

Oh, you poor guy.

You have no idea how poor.

I went for the same crappy job for 11 years, and I still haven't saved a dime.

You're doing it again, you idiot.

She's cute.

Don't put yourself down.

Spin.

When I say I haven't saved a dime, it's because I poured all my money into my

business in a very expensive operation for my handicapped dog, who I love very much.

It worked.

Chicks love dogs.

Jump on her.

I don't know why I'm spending all this time talking about myself.

Don't look at it.

Just cross your legs and wipe it on your sock.

Maybe we should get back to your complaint.

You're losing her.

Do something from class.

Stare at her.

Stare at her.

I'll tell you, one thing I have no complaints about is those blue eyes of yours.

I'm sorry, they just stare.

So pretty, it's distracting.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi.

You know, from any other guy, that'd sound like a line.

But from you, I think you really mean it.

Thank you.

And five, Mississippi.

Hey, you know, I was just thinking, I haven't eaten yet.

Maybe you'd like to go to lunch.

Actually, I brought my lunch today.

Oh, well, that's cool.

Listen, just give me a call when you hear from the company.

Uh, wait a minute.

It would be kind of nice to get out.

Do you mind?

No, let's go.

Should I bring these forms?

You know what?

Life's too short for that kind of stuff.

Why don't we just forget it?

Man, I'm really glad this is working out.

I was kind of worried there for a second.

I mean, I really think we should make definite plans for this weekend.

We can go to IMAX and see history of flight.

They have everything there from right brothers all the way up to the space shuttle.

I like to sit in the front row.

You know, I'm just remembering an office rule.

Employees can't date... you.

Sorry.

He's... he's grinding me again.

Theodore, don't hold Drew so close.

I live all alone.

I can do whatever I want.

I'm 35 years old and pretending I'm a robot.

And no one yells at me because... Hi there.

How's the roommate hunt going, buddy?

Not too good.

There's a lot of real nut jobs out there.