Original subtitles

Hey, thanks for coming over on such short notice.

How's it looking there?

You do know this is a dryer, right?

Of course I know it's a dryer.

Okay, I'm just trying to figure out why there's cheese in your lint trap.

We were drunk, we had pizza mix, blow dryer was taking too long.

That's the most stupid thing I ever heard.

Not for long, I haven't finished the story yet.

Can't wait.

Well, see, we're making pizza in the dryer because we're already making ashtrays in

the oven and a Tupperware sculpture in the microwave.

Did that mention we were drunk?

Don't feel bad, I get a lot of calls like this.

Yeah, well, listen, before you go around the neighborhood telling everybody that

Drew Carey's a drunken lunatic, I just want to tell you

that we were drunk last night because we were celebrating.

Oh, yeah?

What for?

Oh, I finally made the last payment on engagement

ring I bought for this woman who dumped me.

You want to see it?

Sit in the freezer.

Is it still on her finger?

Hey, Drew.

Hey, everybody.

This is Sharon.

She came here to fix all the stuff we broke last night.

We're really sorry about that, Drew.

Can she do anything about the VCR?

You broke the VCR?

No.

I was thinking that the VCR was sad because the

dryer was broken because they're friends and stuff.

I got to go tally this up.

And I'm not just saying this because it's good for business.

Party on.

Wow.

Nice looking handyman.

Yeah.

Did she borrow your tool?

You mean my penis?

Yeah, she used my penis to fix the dryer.

Well, you weren't so high and mighty last night

when you're wrestling the dog in your boxer shorts.

I never did that.

Who did?

Who cares who did it?

What is this, a witch hunt?

That's it, Drew.

No more broken hearts.

I can't handle the drinking anymore.

Last night, I thought I was cheating on Oswald.

Luckily, it was just Oswald.

I was a sailor called Pablo.

You know, I think Drew should get right back on the horse, huh?

And right out there is a handywoman who is seen

and apparently accepts how creepy he lives.

Would you let it go?

Let him get over Nicky.

Hey, I'm over Nicky.

I realized that last night when I was sitting here feeling bad for myself,

thinking, man, I am the biggest loser in the world.

Then I saw Lewis out in the backyard wrestling with Speedy.

Would you drop it, okay?

At the time, I thought he was a grizzly.

Excuse me for saving your house.

So if you saw over Nicky, why don't you ask the handywoman out?

Would you give it a rest?

He was just engaged.

If we broke up, would you be dating in less than a month?

I wouldn't, but Pablo might.

All right, Drew.

Here's your bill.

And about the VCR, I took off ten bucks because I found a porno tape in there.

I'm keeping it.

Well, this isn't so bad.

Are you always just reasonable or are you just doing a crappy job?

I think she gave you an I like you discount.

There's something I want to show you in the car.

No, there isn't.

You just want to yell at me.

We don't call it yelling.

What do we call it?

Stuff I should know by now.

Hey, look, my friend's from Meanwhile, I don't want you to take this the wrong

way or anything, but I'm not looking to meet anybody right now.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

You're not my type anyway.

Well, I was just about to tell you the same thing, but right before you said it.

Good, because I'm not interested.

Neither am I.

Okay, I just want to make sure you realize I was not flirting with you.

I'm sorry.

I find you dull and uninteresting.

Did you say something?

Yeah, I was just fantasizing about a real man.

Bye.

I still got it.

No, you don't.

I saw the flyers you posted around the store.

Engagement ring for sale.

Why not just write pathetic loser everywhere?

Any other broken dreams you're looking to sell?

Perhaps an unopened box of condoms.

I know you're familiar with American culture, but our customs dictate that I

pop you in the mouth next time you say something like that.

I'm game.

Although I must warn you, my screams can be quite yuppy or something.

I'm sure you're not bragging, sir, but unless you want

to buy the engagement ring, I have to get back to work.

Well, let's see it then.

You gonna engage, sir?

Well, for the weekend at least, although I sense we will be growing apart by Sunday.

I'm not selling it to you.

This means a lot to me.

I'm not gonna sell it to you, just so you can get lucky.

Fine!

Then let it be on your head that this poor woman

slept with me and got absolutely nothing out of it!

Here you go, pig.

Any luck unloading that ring that you got back because your girlfriend dumped you?

Do you always have to add because your girlfriend dumped you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you in a bad mood because your girlfriend dumped you?

Yeah, sure.

It's easy for you.

I mean, you have all kinds of admirers, and look at those flowers.

Oh, what kind of fool do you think I... Oh!

Oh!

No card.

Could be somebody shy.

Could be somebody don't know how to write.

Could be a secret admirer.

Could be super glue.

You're paying for this, pig!

Hey, it's midnight, the garden of mean and ugly.

Hey, Drew.

Hey.

Hey, Drew, we're going to lunch.

You wanna come?

Uh, yeah, I'd love to, but I have to work, so you guys go ahead without me.

Uh, ain't Drew.

When, uh, when you borrowed my super glue, is this what it was for?

Yeah.

That's a good gag.

Sorry I'm late, Drew.

I got your call on my pager.

I got here as soon as I could.

What's the problem?

Oh, uh, Sharon, I'll bear with you.

My friends are just about to leave.

Oh, I get it.

You, uh, you got work to do.

With the handyman.

I guess Drew got tired of doing it yourself.

Excuse me, do you think you're hiding?

No, I've been bloomed.

Sorry, my friends make a bad first impression, but it's an accurate one.

Sharon, this is the chair I'm having trouble with right there.

Can you, would you excuse us?

Don't tell me you needed Sharon to come over here and fix your chair.

The store has tons of maintenance people.

Oh, you know how long it takes those guys to get here after you call them.

I mean, hey, Mr. Carey, have anything you need done today?

No, thanks, Jimmy.

You want me to just hang out and wait around in case something breaks?

Get the hell out of here, Jimmy.

Drew, you're on the rebound and you're real vulnerable right now.

Just take it slow.

Don't get too attached.

Don't worry.

I just want somebody I can do couple stuff with.

I mean, you have Oswald, who's has Pinky, I just want,

they'd be fun to have someone to hang around with.

But, Drew, it's not gonna get... Have a good time at lunch.

Bye.

Boy, the springs are shot.

Did it safe fall on this thing?

Listen, uh, the chair really is broken, but

that's not the real reason I called you up here.

Oh, listen, uh, you're a really nice guy.

Hey, before you try to guess where this is going, yes, I'm gonna ask you out,

but only as a friend.

Oh, so that's why the engagement didn't work out.

Sure, I'll be your friend.

I always wanted a gay friend.

I'm not gay.

Look at me.

I'm not in that kind of shape.

So, you just want to be friends?

Yeah, I just thought it'd be fun to go out with somebody who

won't fall in love with me, I won't fall in love with them.

You know, no pressure.

Just two friends out having fun.

Friend, huh?

Yeah.

Want to talk about this over lunch?

Yeah, but I gotta warn you, I don't talk much while I'm eating.

Give me a moment while I try to react with surprise.

Hey, you're funny.

You like flowers?

Come here.

You know, at first, I thought being Easter eggs

was gonna be a drag, but it's actually kind of fun.

Hey, guys, I got the prettiest girl on the block.

Aw, ooh!

Come on, come on.

More pain in less talking, okay?

If we don't get these over to Reverend Linderman, there's gonna be a whole bunch

of kids walking around the church lawn filling their Easter baskets full of dog poop.

Pinky, can I have another egg?

Sure.

What's that new drug you're testing for drug code again?

Oh, yeah, the one that alters your sense of distance.

Honey, honey, I'm really sorry.

Pinky, I'm right here.

Everything's okay.

Okay, thanks, honey.

Try drinking six feet behind your head, huh?

There you go.

Well, I gotta drop these off at the reverence.

Here we go.

Well, I'm gonna go finish tightening up that banister.

Is there something else you wanted me to do?

Uh, yeah, can you...

tick the lid off the main A-star, but just loosen

it so I can open it up in front of my friends.

How long are these effects gonna last?

Oh, about a week.

You know what, maybe you shouldn't come over tonight.

Sex could be dangerous.

I'm sorry, it just... it looked like that sleeve was about ten feet long.

To hell with danger.

Thanks.

How much do I owe you?

Tell you what.

No charge if you give me an honest answer about something.

Okay.

Uh, even though I've never seen that color in nature, I think your hair looks great.

Uh, no, I was gonna ask.

Is there something about me that puts guys off?

I had this date later.

Oh.

And he canceled.

He said he had to work late.

People have to work late.

It's happened to me tons of times.

I can't tell you how many women I've gone out with that said they had to work late.

Oh, a solution.

This isn't the first time.

I mean, I get canceled on, or I go out once, and I never hear from the guy again.

Well, I don't know, you're kind of tough, but I like that.

And it can't be your looks, because you're really cute.

I mean... Man, you're adorable.

I am not.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are.

You know what?

Hey, hell with anybody who stands you up, huh?

I'm here, you're here, we got music.

What music?

I usually do this by myself.

You are doing it by yourself.

Oh, yeah.

Now, look, you're having such a good time, don't let me spoil it.

Come on, it's fun.

Hold on, I've got a page.

Hey, the date's back on.

He got off work, isn't that great?

Yeah.

That's really great.

Hey, I'll call you later.

Drew, what can I say?

You're a bud.

Next time, rig it.

Hey, Sharon, that's me.

Hey, how you doing?

How'd the date go?

Oh, it's still going on.

Listen, I'm really sorry to call you, but I had a little emergency over here.

I think there's a leak in one of my pipes.

Yeah, oh, well, maybe you better come over.

Yeah, hey, I'm really sorry.

Thanks.

Man, I hate ruining her date.

Oh, yeah, I gotta break a pipe.

Call me.

What are you guys doing here?

We came back to get all the egg dye stuff.

All the eggs broke when I slammed on the brakes of my car.

Excuse me, long stop.

But there was a 400-foot Jesus in the middle of the road.

That might be important.

There was a four-inch Jesus, and he was on the dashboard of my car.

That is no reason to shove those huge breasts in my face.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Wait a sec.

Cool clothes, candlelight, reggae music.

I know what's going on here.

You're getting under ganjache.

No, I'm not getting on the ganja train, but I do have company coming over,

so get the stuff and take it over to Louis' place.

Oh, this company wouldn't be your friend Sharon, would it?

Yeah, it's Sharon, but it's not a date.

She's coming over to fix a leak in one of my pipes.

Let me guess.

Is it your love, better?

You're 35 years old.

When are you going to start using the word penis?

Made you say it.

You're not fooling anybody.

You were expecting a woman.

You and your cheeks sucked in.

You know the way you think makes you look like Marky Mark.

I wasn't expecting a woman.

I was expecting Speedy.

There you are, buddy.

Time for your dance lesson, boys.

Hi.

How come Speedy's all wet?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

How could this have happened?

It was just a little hole in the pipe leaking into a bucket.

You busted a pipe just to get Sharon to come over here?

Do you realize how stupid that sounds?

I'm sorry.

I can't hear you over the sound of my house sinking.

Oh, hey.

It's my barbells.

I don't want them to rust.

Boy,

I really got to start working out again.

I can't stop the leak.

Where's the shut-off valve?

It's right where my dad said it was.

Oh, he's right.

I wasn't paying attention.

I'll go find it.

Oh, man.

My baseball mitt, my teddy bear, family photo album, my only picture of Grandma.

Hey, Drew, look.

Your dad's old playboys.

No!

Drew, you can't lift those.

They're wet.

They must weigh over 300 pounds.

Wow.

He was like that woman that lifted the car off her child.

Something's got my foot.

You cut my hose, you psycho.

You're almost seven feet tall.

You could have just sat up.

Holy crap!

I thought you said it was a little leak.

Oh, hey, Sharon.

Glad you could make it.

You look nice.

Can I get you a drink?

No.

Thanks, Drew.

You, go rent a sump pump.

You, go help your hysterical girlfriend.

She's already unscrewed about 15 sprinkler heads.

Hey, after this, let's go wear ourselves in our wet pants.

You read my mind?

Thought they'd never leave.

Hey, uh, on the same old wrestling trophy?

I know it looks like a guy eating a pie, but he's really wrestling with it.

Kind of busy, Drew.

Oh, yeah.

Sure, sure.

That's cute, but I should warn you, there's a possibility some of that could be sewage.

Looks like somebody's been banging on this pipe.

What kind of nut would do a thing like that?

Oh, yeah.

No, con sones.

Hey, you don't speak Spanish either.

You can also play Cherish.

Drew, you don't want to just be friends anymore, do you?

No.

And this wasn't an accident, was it?

No.

And you haven't taken accordion lessons in a long time, have you?

I taught myself.

Drew, this is really sweet.

But I gotta tell you, you're a real... No, don't say nice guy.

Pain in the ass.

Thank you.

Okay, look, at first, I did just want to be friends.

But then something happened, and I wanted to see if you felt the same way that I

felt, but judging by that, I wonder if you'll

believe I'm a lesbian look on your face.

I guess you don't.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna fix all this, and I'm gonna do it at cost.

Well, we're not gonna date.

You asked for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Cherish.

Hey, that's not Cherish.

Hey, a complete lady of Spain.

Hey, Cat.

Mind if I board?

Yeah, but I can only take you as far as a furnace.

After that, it's international waters.

I heard you song.

She didn't go for it, huh?

Yeah, but you know what throws me?

She didn't go for me at all.

And I was cute as hell.

Let me tell you something, Drew.

If we were dating and you did something like that for me, I would be yours forever.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Let me ask you something.

You gotta promise I'll never tell Oswald I asked you this, but...

If we were alone in this boat in the middle of the ocean, we were trapped.

Would you let me, you know, play Lady of Spain?

No.

But we could have sex.

Keep it in your pants, O'Brien.

Well, I thought you'd be happy I returned your hockey mask and knife.

You did that on purpose.

Okay.

There's no reason to go nibbling my toes.

How can I be nibbling your toes if you're sittin' in the boat?

It's always fun till somebody gets eaten.