Original subtitles

Good evening, and welcome to the Drew Carey Show April Fools contest.

Now, it's real easy.

All you gotta do is get a pencil ready and look

for all the stuff that's wrong with the show.

It's like that thing you did when you were a kid with the pictures.

No, not that thing.

Not those pictures.

It's like, what's wrong with this picture?

Now, here's an example.

Louis, come on out here.

What?

You figured it out already?

So, let's start watching.

The game begins right now.

Touch on.

Touch it, please.

Can I have everybody's attention?

My harassment suit against Winford Softer has been

settled, so I won't be delivering your mail anymore.

So, if you're missing any important mail, you can get it at the Welcome Back, Mimi.

We love your luncheon that you'll be throwing

me this Friday in the good restaurant upstairs.

Oh, by the way, thank you for dipping into the Christmas fun and buying me a new VCR.

You really shouldn't have, but, you know, you're better.

We're back, guys.

Everybody grab your old seats.

Ah, Mimi, last is finally here.

The day I've been waiting for for so long.

Hey, if you really want to welcome me back,

nothing says hello like a nice, warm tongue bath.

I've been Mrs. Love on the board flying to the head office in Kyoto this morning.

I finally get that woman and her castrated

sheep of a voice out of my hair for a while.

Is that the flutter of angel wings I heard?

Damn right you did.

Now, I'm on my way to the airport, and I just want you to know that I'm

placing a huge responsibility on your pasty little girl's shoulders.

Oh, my, Mrs. Love, the storesman would have it.

I know that.

I'm talking about my cat.

Now, here's my house key and a test kit.

Test kit?

Yes.

Lord Fauntleroy's had some digestive problems.

His eliminations need to be monitored very closely.

And another immigrant's dream has come true.

Have a good flight into a mountain.

How does it feel not to be man enough to say something to somebody's face?

Walk away and I'll tell you.

So, Lord Fauntleroy, stay there, Bombay.

I want you to see this.

I'm finally free to fire someone the way I've always dreamed.

Johnson!

Johnson, you're fired.

Unless you can shoot this apple from my head using this crossbow.

By the way, Johnson, I saw your wife yesterday.

At least I thought it was your wife.

The divider came down before I could put in another quarter.

You know, I'm not going to mince words with you.

You've always had more looks than brains.

This is ridiculous.

Don't worry.

I've rigged the crossbow.

When he pulls the trigger, all that's going to happen

is a little flag will come down saying you're fired.

Why are you such an evil bastard?

You know what it does to me.

Are you ready, Johnson?

Ready!

Aim!

Fire!

I

don't know if the arrow is... Hey, is that arrow in your head?

Yes!

Yeah, it's in his goodie bag.

All this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude It's

back where it belongs All our little chicks with the crimson lips go bleep and

rock bleep and rock living in sin where the stage

deep in go bleep and rock bleep and rock I like it.

Mr. Wick can run into probably the arrow loose so they had to pick the hinges off

the board and they carried them right to the store on it.

Yeah, it wasn't good for business, although we did sell out of athletic cups.

Poor guy.

That's harsh.

Oh, shh.

Hello, Mr. Wick.

Oh, this is your one remaining testicle, Colin.

Don't miss me, mate.

What are you saying?

Not too happy.

That's understandable.

He's probably a little testy.

Now, you gotta be ashamed of yourselves making prank phone calls so a guy just

took an arrow through his scrotum without

asking him if Papa's gonna get a brand new bag.

Oh, nuts.

Just a sack.

Taking an arrow through the most sensitive part of

your body, I can't imagine a pain worse than that.

Oh, here it is.

If there's a house behind you, I'd like to enter, please.

What do you want, Fifi?

Just got back from the hospital.

I have really, really bad news about Mr. Wick.

He put you in charge of the store.

Obviously, he did do his thinking down there.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

I'm finally gonna be in charge of Whitford Louder.

Only for a week or two until he gets all his eggs back in one basket.

Daddy, keep going.

I'm going farther.

That's terrible, Mimi.

The man has been through something awful.

I'll be with you guys in a minute.

Anyway, starting tomorrow, I'm working for you.

She don't think you can get all handsy on me.

Don't worry, boys.

I would never do that to you.

This is fantastic.

You finally get to be the boss.

I know.

Just how we can celebrate, too, huh?

It's time to stop aging and start drinking the newest creation from Buzzbeer.

I think it's gonna sell really well down in the Berlin.

It's a combination of Buzzbeer and champagne.

And you call it booze?

No, no, Monsieur.

We call it... Bouzée.

You know, this is the chance I've been waiting for.

I got till Mrs. Louder gets back next week to

prove that I got what it takes to be a leader.

Hi, Speedy.

Well, you know, you... you got a body like Buddha.

Billions of people follow him.

Yes.

But Buddha doesn't do this.

Oh!

Uh, that big Buddha is more of a nudger man.

Man, I hate it when we discuss religion.

I just want to show people that I'm different now.

I want them to see I'm not a heartless bastard like Mr. Wick.

I don't want them, like, going around scared.

They're gonna be fired every second.

Hey, that's it!

What?

I'm not gonna fire anybody.

You mean without good reason?

No.

Nobody at all.

Starting tomorrow, no one can get fired.

See, I have this theory.

You expect the best of people, and I'll give it to you.

You don't have to threaten people to motivate them.

You know, the dream may be on itself.

You know, if I wasn't so scared of getting fired every time I lost a package,

I wouldn't have to hide out in a bar all day.

Look at this.

It's more cost efficient, see?

Every time we fire somebody, we gotta pay this much to train somebody new.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, we don't know how long it's gonna take for the Bouzet to separate,

so... Here's to Drew who gets to be boss as long as Wick's in the hospital.

Here's to infection.

Here's to the worst-tasting champagne we've ever had.

Oh, why'd we do that?

It's horrible.

It's a learning from our mistakes.

Amy!

I need you to type up this memo for me.

Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Carey.

And here are your reports and your day planner.

And by the way, I took the liberty of booking a massage for you this afternoon.

Wait a second.

You want me to believe that I'm gonna lie down naked and nothing's gonna happen?

Does it ever?

No, this is on the up and up.

Um, I'm a professional.

If you'll just stand on that square and sign these papers, we'll start the day.

Wait a second.

How come I have to stand on that square?

Oh, well, that's traditionally where the boss stands to sign the papers.

Oh, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you stand on the square?

I'll stand next to you and sign it.

Oh, well, I guess you've outsmarted me then.

So, why don't you just stand right there?

No!

Well, that ought to keep him out of my face for another hour or so.

No, see?

That's what happens when people operate out of fear.

Which is exactly why I put out that no -firing memo.

Carrie, we got your memo about no more firing.

Is this a joke?

Nope, it's true.

Nothing can get fired.

I want you to feel free to achieve and take chances

without worrying that you're gonna do the wrong thing.

From now on, there is no wrong thing.

The only wrong thing is to think that you're gonna do the wrong... No, wait.

That's the wrong thing.

There is no wrong thing!

Who do we love, everybody?

It's true!

Three cheers for the pig!

Hip, hip... Pig!

Hip, hip... Pig!

Hip, hip... Pig!

You know, even when you're on my side, it hurts.

But it looks like I'm a big hero.

So what do you think of that, Amy?

I think you're finally standing on the right square.

Well, oh, man, I'm stuck.

Joe, sorry.

All I gotta do is bend down on the top of

my shoe and I'll be out of here in a second.

Well, I guess I better take a picture quick then, huh?

Thanks for taking us to the executive dining room, Joe.

I thought that people sucked up to you like that.

Yeah, I felt like a real bigwig when the guy said, those rules are free,

you don't have to stop them in your pocket.

Sir.

Hey!

He drew a cutie.

I thought that you were going to use it.

My question.

My question.

Friends and girls, friends and girls.

Done since college.

Seen him naked.

The big thing.

I missed lunch with the employees and I wanted to get you

a gift to show our thanks to the best boss in Cincinnati.

You have mail.

We couldn't come up with anything big, so we

all decided to do a little something on our own.

Uh, Tom, the security guard, said he'll no longer

operate his portable TV off your car battery.

Eight batteries in one year?

I knew that wasn't right.

And Sally in house versus she's going to come up with much

more believable excuses as to why she won't go out with you.

Sally in her... She's alive!

Look, lady, I've shown you five different makeup mirrors.

I don't care if they simulate daylight, office light or any other light.

The only thing that's going to help you is midnight.

Now take that face over to Macy's, where they still think the customer's number one.

What I got to do, throw a bone?

Leave her shopping and win for louder.

Have a beautiful, beautiful day.

Hey, uh, where'd she go?

I want to ask her why sales and the housewares are down.

I swear to God, it's not as bad as it looks.

Ah, who am I kidding?

I'm fired, right?

Lawrence, I'm very disappointed in you.

And I'm fired.

I put my 17 years on the line to give you

job security and you stabbed me in the back.

I don't know what to say.

I'm crushed.

Hold on here.

I heard blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But I didn't hear fired.

I told you before, Larry, you can't get fired.

Wait, I know what's going on here.

You're setting me up, aren't you, Carrie?

No, this isn't a game.

You can't get fired.

Not for this either?

Nope.

Hmm.

Thanks.

You're fired, bastard.

You're not going to spoil this, Larry.

One bad egg, and I use that analogy, could you evolve?

Now, these other people want to work.

I suggest you join the club.

So, what I'm hearing is there's nothing we can do here to get fired.

You hear that, everybody?

There really is nothing we can do here to get fired.

Ever!

Ever!

Wait, you really have a back of the brain.

Somebody takes advantage, right?

Trust in human nature, Osborn.

People are basically good.

Hey, who wants to go to the boardroom and raid the wet bar to celebrate?

I think you'll find yourself alone in this, Larry.

Okay, you and Mark are alone.

You, Mark, and Sally are alone.

You, Mark, Sally, and Jimin are alone.

Okay, you're a crowd now, but that crowd is alone.

Hey, talk to you later.

Sorry about that.

Look, I know we're in uncharted territory here, and you

might not know where the boundaries are, so let me help you.

Taking an unauthorized 15-minute break is not

so bad, but using it to pee off the building is.

You know, I almost hit the parking structure.

I don't care.

Wow!

Nevertheless, what you do is wrong, and I want

you to listen to me and listen to me good.

You have lost my trust.

I'm sorry to be so hard on you, but you're peeing on my feet now, aren't you?

Gotcha.

Look, I'm sorry, buddy.

I'll try and do better.

We've got big problems, Drew.

There's nobody in shoes.

They're running wild in the toy department.

And this is pretty much all that's left of the candy department.

Bitter orange?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, look, what can I do?

A white lion in the store is toys.

Now, they're going to expect us to go through shoes,

because only an idiot would go through housewares.

So what are we going to do?

Go through shoes?

No, we're going to go through housewares.

And you know why?

Because we're idiots?

Right.

I'll just ask my question.

Why don't you go back under no firing policy?

Because I still think I can make this work.

If I don't, I can kiss any chance of me running the store again.

Goodbye.

Well, I'm behind you.

It ain't pretty, but I'm behind you.

It's nice to know who your friends are in a crisis.

Yeah, it would be nice.

That's not why I'm behind you.

I'm behind you because there's no firing policy.

It's a good policy.

And if people take advantage of it, then we're going to lose it.

And that's not fair.

And I killed Mrs. Lauter's cat.

Gary, I need to speak to you.

Right here, sir.

Mr. Wick, what are you doing back so soon?

You're not blowing up the work yet.

Why not?

I feel a hundred percent.

Maybe next week.

I need your opinion on something.

Close your eyes, hold out your hand, and tell me if this feels natural.

Oh, can I already tell you it doesn't, sir?

Now squeeze.

Alrighty.

What does that feel like?

I don't know, a small plum, maybe?

Mmm, it's a prosthetic testicle.

Ah, only three hundred dollars?

How much are you charged for the brass ones?

Uh-oh.

Well, it's audacity now.

Why'd you make me touch in the first place?

Well, it's too intimidating to ask a woman and too embarrassing to ask a man,

so I asked you.

Well, I'd like to help you, but I can't say.

I mean, usually I'm doing that kind of thing

I have a beer in my hand and the game's on.

Mimi, Mimi, I don't want to worry you, but

your human covering has sprung a few leaves.

Well, I talked to him down in toys.

Oh, how'd it go?

I covered a green slime, you idiot!

You're out of control!

You're on your own!

Oh, I instituted a couple of new policies, just fine-tuning it a little bit.

Okay, it's, uh, sticky and fun now.

You go ahead and sell it.

I came down here because I was concerned you might try to usurp my position.

I don't know what I was worrying about.

You don't have the Capone to do this job.

Well, this is fun, but I gotta get back to work, you know?

I got a lot more packages to deliver.

Wait, wait.

Don't you get paid by the hour?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, one more game.

Oh, buddy!

Finally got the stick out of your butt and you're playing pool with it.

Good for you.

Listen, I didn't get my paycheck.

Have you signed them yet?

Sure, buddy.

Right there at my desk.

Thanks, man.

This gets me back in the craps game and stationary.

Wait a second.

What's this signature?

Who's Dr. Mello?

I am, baby.

I'm prescribing you 10 cc's of vitamin chill.

Drew, I'm kind of in a rush.

I'm in the middle of a volleyball game down in shoes.

But, um, have you signed my vacation request forms yet?

Hey, I'm tired of being the responsible one, okay?

I don't want to be the hall monitor anymore.

I want to be the stoner that gets the art teacher pregnant.

What the hell are you talking about, Carrie?

Don't you get it, man?

I'm on your side.

I think it's great.

I agree with you.

So what if the store goes down and we all lose our jobs?

The important thing is we're having fun now, right?

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah?

No, I'm not, right?

I was trying to prove a point.

What's wrong with you people?

Jeez, a man who left the store to store to hell right around you?

You'd sit in your own dung heap if nobody told you not to.

Well, you know, you took away their rules, Drew.

They don't know how to act.

This is like the time we tried to treat Mr. Puddles like a member of the family

and let him eat Thanksgiving dinner with us before you know it.

He's licking himself.

He mounted the turkey.

We realized he's not a member of the family.

He's one of Grandpa's old army buddies.

Drew, Drew, Drew, I got to talk to you quick.

I was in the parking lot playing volleyball with the others and I saw Mrs.

Latter getting out of her car.

She's not supposed to be here yet.

She's not in the escalator!

Hurry, get back to work!

Back to work!

Why?

If the old bat gets mabbled, just tell her it's all because of your stupid policy.

Besides, what are you going to do?

Fire us?

Uh, hey, you.

Steal the computer.

What's your name?

Johnson.

Oh, of course.

I got one thing to say to you, buddy.

You are fired!

He's firing people again.

Party's over.

Let's get back to work.

Sorry, Drew.

You know, it's just a shame.

People are always looking for a way to take advantage on the job.

Well, I better repack this thing and get it delivered.

So, anything new down at Farmco?

Nah.

How's the world of brain surgery treating you?

Well, you know, same old, same old.

It's got three brains put in two.

So, you want to go to Brown's game tonight?

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute.

The Browns don't exist anymore.

You almost wrote that down, didn't you?

Ah, there it is.

It's all dusty again.