Original subtitles

Good evening.

And welcome to the Drew Carey Show April Fool's Contest.

Now, it's real easy.

All you gotta do is get a pencil ready and look

for all the stuff that's wrong with the show.

It's like that thing you did when you were a kid with the pictures.

No, no, not that thing.

Not those pictures.

It's like, what's wrong with this picture?

Now, here's an example.

Lewis, come on out here.

What?

You figured it out already?

Well, the money's practically in your pocket.

As a matter of fact, start spending it right now.

Now, whoever finds the most mistakes in tonight's episode, and there's at least 50

of them, wins $25,000 and a trip to Hollywood

to be on the show and have lunch with me.

And there's lots more prizes that everybody else has a chance to win.

And you can find all the rules at abc.com or the

current issues of TV Guide and People Magazine.

You can also enter through ABC Online or send your list to

an address that we'll be giving you later on in the show.

So, let's start watching.

The game begins right now.

Attention.

Attention, please.

Can I have everybody's attention?

My harassment suit against Winford softer has been

settled, so I won't be delivering your mail anymore.

So, if you're missing any important mail, you can get it at the Welcome Back, Mimi.

We love your luncheon that you'll be throwing

me this Friday in the good restaurant upstairs.

Oh, by the way, thank you for dipping into the Christmas fun and buying me a new VCR.

You really shouldn't have, but, you know... You're better!

Well, back, guys.

Everybody grab your old seats.

Ah, Mimi, at last is finally here.

The day I've been waiting for for so long.

Hey, if you really want to welcome me back,

nothing says hello like a nice, warm tongue bath.

Oh, no!

I mean, Mrs. Louder on the board flying to the head office in Kyoto this morning.

I finally get that woman and her castrated

sheep of a voice out of my hair for a while.

Bick!

Bick!

Is that the flutter of angel wings I heard?

Damn right you did.

Now, I'm on my way to the airport, and I just want you to know that I'm

placing a huge responsibility on your pasty little girl's shoulders.

Don't worry, Mrs. L, the store's in good hands.

I know that.

I'm talking about my cat.

Now, here's my house key and a test kit.

Test kit?

Yes.

Lord Fauntleroy's had some digestive problems.

His eliminations need to be monitored very closely.

And another immigrant's dream's come true.

Have a good flight into a mountain.

How does it feel not to be man enough to say something to somebody's face?

Walk away and I'll tell you.

No, no, stay there, Bonbeck.

I want you to see this.

I'm finally free to fire someone the way I've always dreamed.

Johnson!

Johnson, you're fired.

Unless you can shoot this apple from my head using this rascal.

By the way, Johnson, I saw your wife yesterday.

At least I thought it was your wife.

The divider came down before I could put in another quarter.

No, I'm not going to mince words with you.

You've always had more looks than brains.

This is ridiculous.

Don't worry.

I've rigged the crossbow.

When he pulls the trigger, all that's going to happen

is a little flag will come down saying you're fired.

Why are you such an evil bastard?

You know what it does to me.

Are you ready, Johnson?

Ready!

Aim!

Fire!

I

have a guy with an arrow in his...

Hey, is that arrow in your... Yes!

Yeah, it's in his, uh, goodie bag.

Whoa!

All this energy calling me...

Back where it comes from...

It's such a crude attitude...

It's back where it belongs...

All the little chicks with the grins and lips go gleeblin' rocks...

Gleeblin' rocks... Living in sin where the safety men go gleeblin

'... Man, I'm telling you, you've never seen anything like it.

Mr. Wick didn't want him to pry the arrow loose, so they had to take the hinges off

the door... and they carried them right to the store on it.

Yeah, it wasn't good for business, although we did sell out of athletic cups.

Poor guy.

That's harsh.

Oh, shh.

Hello, Mr. Wick.

Oh, this is your one remaining testicle, Colin.

I miss me, mate.

How do you sound?

Not too happy.

That's understandable.

He's probably a little testy.

Now, you gotta be ashamed of yourselves making prank phone calls...

so a guy just took an arrow through his scrotum...

without asking him if Papa's gonna get a brand new bag.

Oh, nuts.

Just a sack.

Taking an arrow through the most sensitive part of your body...

I can't imagine a pain worse than that.

Oh, here it is.

If there's a house behind you, I'd like to enter, please.

What do you want, Fifi?

Just got back from the hospital.

I have really, really bad news about Mr. Wick.

He put you in charge of the store.

Obviously, he did do his thinking down there.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm finally gonna be in charge of Whitford Louder.

Only for a week or two... until he gets all his eggs back in one basket.

Daddy, you got what I'm going for there?

That's terrible, Mimi.

The man has been through something awful.

I'll be with you guys in a minute.

Anyway, he's starting tomorrow.

I'm working for you.

So don't think you can get all handsy on me.

Don't worry, boys.

I would never do that to you.

Drew, this is fantastic.

You finally get to be the boss.

Hey, I know just how we can celebrate, too, huh?

It's time to stop aging and start drinking the newest creation from Buzz Beer.

Yeah.

I think it's gonna sell really well down in the Berlin.

It's a combination of Buzz Beer and champagne.

Can you call it booze?

No, no, Monsieur.

We call it bouzé.

You know, this is the chance I've been waiting for.

I got till Mrs. Louder gets back next week to

prove that I got what it takes to be a leader.

Oh, hey, Speedy.

Well, you know, you got a body like Buddha.

Billions of people follow him.

Yes.

But Buddha doesn't do this.

I think Buddha is more of a nudgy man.

Man, I hate it when we discuss religion.

I just want to show people that I'm different now.

I want them to see I'm not a heartless bastard like Mr. Wick.

I don't want them, like, going around scared.

They're gonna be fired every second.

Hey, that's it!

What?

I'm not gonna fire anybody.

You mean without good reason?

No.

Nobody at all.

Starting tomorrow, no one can get fired.

You have this theory.

You expect the best of people, and I'll give it to you.

You don't have to threaten people to motivate them.

You know, Jew may be on this.

You know, if I wasn't so scared of getting fired every time I lost a package,

I wouldn't have to hide out in a bar all day.

Look at this.

It's more cost-efficient, see?

Every time we fire somebody, we gotta pay this much to train somebody new.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, we don't know how long it's

gonna take for the bouzé to separate, so...

Here's to Jew who gets to be boss as long as Wick's in the hospital.

Here's to infection.

Here's to the worst-tasting champagne we've ever had.

Oh, why'd we do that?

It's horrible.

It's a learning from our mistakes.

Mimi, I need you to type up this memo for me.

Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Carey.

And here are your reports and your day planner.

And by the way, I took the liberty of booking a massage for you this afternoon.

Wait a second.

You want me to believe that I'm gonna lie down naked and nothing's gonna happen?

Does it ever?

No, no, this is on the up and up.

Um, I'm a professional.

If you'll just stand on that square and sign these papers, we'll start the day.

Wait a second.

How come I have to stand on that square?

Oh, well, that's traditionally where the boss stands to sign the papers.

Oh, I'll tell you what, why don't you stand on

the square, I'll stand next to you and sign it.

Oh, well, I guess you've outsmarted me then.

So why don't you just stand right there?

No!

Well, that ought to keep them out of my face for another hour or so.

No, see, that's what happens when people operate out of fear.

Which is exactly why I put out that no -firing memo.

Carrie, the guy you're memo about no more firing, is this a joke?

Nope, it's true, nobody can get fired.

I want you to feel free to achieve and take chances

without worrying that you're gonna do the wrong thing.

From now on, there is no wrong thing.

The only wrong thing is to think that you're gonna do the wrong...

No, wait, that's the wrong thing.

There is no wrong thing.

Who do we love, everybody?

True!

Three cheers for the pig!

Hip, hip, pig!

Pig!

Hip, hip, pig!

Hip, hip, pig!

You know, even when you're on my side, it hurts.

But, looks like I'm a big hero, so what do you think of that, Mamie?

I think you're finally standing on the right square.

Well, oh, man, I'm stuck.

The joke's on you, because all I gotta do is bend down

on the top of my shoe and I'll be outta here in a second.

Well, I guess I better take a picture quick then, huh?

That's right.

Smile for the folks back home.

Thanks for taking us to the executive dining room, Drew.

It's fun to have people stuck up to you like that.

Yeah, I felt like a real bigwig when the guy said, those rules are free,

you don't have to stuff them in your pocket.

Sir.

Hey, Drew.

Thank you.

Let's stop that really easy, please.

It's my pleasure.

Thank you.

Bless you, my child.

Friends of Drew's.

Friends of Drew's.

Done since college.

Seen him naked.

No big thing.

Drew, I missed lunch because the employees and I wanted to get

you a gift to show our thanks to the best boss in Cincinnati.

You have mail.

We couldn't come up with anything big, so we

all decided to do a little something on our own.

Tom, the security guard, said he'll no longer

operate his portable TV off your car battery.

Eight batteries in one year?

I knew that wasn't right.

And Sally and House versa, she's gonna come up with much

more believable excuses as to why she won't go out with you.

Sally and House...

She's alive!

Look, lady, I've shown you five different makeup mirrors.

I don't care if they simulate daylight, office light, or any other light.

The only thing that's gonna help you is midnight.

Now take that face over to Macy's where they still think the customer's number one.

What I gotta do, throw a bone?

Take her shopping and win for a louder.

Have a beautiful, beautiful day.

Hey, uh, where'd she go?

I wanna ask her why sales and the housewares are down.

I swear to God, it's not as bad as it looks.

Ah, who am I kidding?

I'm fired, right?

Lawrence, I'm very disappointed in you.

And I'm fired.

I put my 17 years on the line to give you

job security and you stabbed me in the back.

I don't know what to say.

I'm crushed.

Hold on here.

I heard blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But I didn't hear fired.

I told you before, Larry, you can't get fired.

Wait, I know what's going on here.

You're setting me up, aren't you, Carrie?

No, this isn't a game.

You can't get fired.

Not for this either?

Nope.

Hmm.

Thanks.

You're fired, bastard.

You're not gonna spoil this, Larry.

One bad egg, and I use that analogy because

you're bald, has not been warned of anybody else.

Now, these other people want to work.

I suggest you join the club.

So what I'm hearing is there's nothing we can do here to get fired.

You hear that, everybody?

There really is nothing we can do here to get fired.

Ever!

Ever!

Wait, you really have a backup plan in case somebody takes advantage, right?

Trust in human nature, Osborne.

People are basically good.

Hey, who wants to go to the boardroom and raid the wet bar to celebrate?

I think you'll find yourself alone in this, Larry.

Okay, you and Mark are alone.

You, Mark, and Sally are alone.

You, Mark, Sally, and Jimin are alone.

Okay, you're a crowd now, but that crowd is alone.

Oh,

yeah, and then what?

All right.

Okay, cool.

Hey, talk to you later.

Bye.

Sorry about that.

Look, I know we're in uncharted territory here, and you

might not know where the boundaries are, so let me help you.

Taking an unauthorized 15-minute break is not

so bad, but using it to pee off the building is.

You know, I almost hit the parking structure.

I don't care.

Wow.

Nevertheless, what you do is wrong, and I want

you to listen to me and listen to me good.

You have lost my trust.

I'm sorry to be so hard on you, but you're peeing on my feet now, aren't you?

Gotcha.

Look, I'm sorry, buddy.

I'll try and do better.

Oh!

We got

big problems, Drew.

There's nobody in shoes.

They're running wildly in their toy department, and this

is pretty much all that's left of the candy department.

Bitter orange?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, look, what can I do?

A lifeline of the store is toys.

Now, they're going to expect us to go through shoes,

because only an idiot would go through housewares.

So what are we going to do?

Go through shoes?

No, we're going to go through housewares, and you know why?

Because we're idiots.

Right.

Just ask one question.

Why don't you go back on the no-firing policy?

Because I still think I can make this work.

If I don't, I can kiss any chance of me running the store again.

Goodbye.

Well, I'm behind you.

It ain't pretty, but I'm behind you.

It's nice to know who your friends are in a crisis.

Yeah, it would be nice.

That's not why I'm behind you.

And behind you, because the no-firing policy is a good policy, and if people

take advantage of it, then we're going to lose it.

And that's not fair.

And I killed Mrs. Lauder's cat.

Ganny, I need to speak to you.

Right here, sir.

Mr. Wick, what are you doing back so soon?

You're not well enough to work yet.

Why not?

I feel a hundred percent.

Maybe next week.

Okay, I need your opinion on something.

Close your eyes, hold out your hand, and tell me if this feels natural.

Oh, can I already tell you it doesn't, sir?

Now, squeeze.

All righty.

What does that feel like?

I don't know, a small plum, maybe?

Mmm, it's a prosthetic testicle.

Oh, for God's sake, get it?

Ah, only $300?

How much do you charge for the price?

The brass ones.

Hello.

It's all dusty now.

Why'd you make me touch it in the first place?

Well, it's too intimidating to ask a woman and

too embarrassing to ask a man, so I asked you.

Well, I'd like to help you, but I can't say.

I mean, usually I'm doing that kind of thing.

I have a beer in my hand and the game's on.

Mimi, I don't want to worry you, but your human covering has sprung a few leaves.

Well, I talked to him down in toys.

Oh, how'd it go?

I covered a green slime, you idiot!

They're out of control!

You're on your own!

Oh, I instituted a couple of new policies.

Just fine-tuning it a little bit.

Okay, it's sticky and fun now.

You go ahead and sell it.

I came down here because I was concerned you might try to usurp my position.

I don't know what I was worrying about.

You don't have the Capone to do this job.

Well, this is fun, but I gotta get back to work, you know?

I got a lot more packages to deliver.

Wait, wait.

Don't you get paid by the hour?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, one more game.

Go, buddy!

Finally got the stick out of your butt and you're playing pool with it.

Good for you.

Listen, I didn't get my paycheck.

Have you signed them yet?

Sure, buddy.

Right there on my desk.

Thanks, man.

This guy's going to be back in the craps game in the stationery.

Wait a second.

What's the signature?

Who's Dr. Mello?

I am, baby.

I'm not prescribing you 10cc's of vitamin chill.

Drew, I'm kind of in a rush.

I'm in the middle of a volleyball game down in shoes.

But, um, have you signed my vacation request forms yet?

Hey, I'm tired of being the responsible one, okay?

I don't want to be the hall monitor anymore.

I want to be the stoner that gets the art teacher pregnant.

What the hell are you talking about, Carrie?

Don't you get it, man?

I'm on your side.

I think it's great.

I agree with you.

So what if the store goes down and we all lose our jobs?

The important thing is we're having fun now, right?

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

No, I'm not, right?

I was trying to prove a point.

What's wrong with you people?

He's a man.

He left the store to store the hell right around you.

You'd sit in your own dung heap if nobody told you not to.

Well, you know, you took away their rules, Drew.

They don't know how to act.

This is like the time we tried to treat Mr. Puddles like a member of the family

and let him eat Thanksgiving dinner with us.

Before you know it, he's licking himself.

He mounted the turkey.

We realize he's not a member of the family.

He's one of grandpa's old army buddies.

Drew, Drew, Drew.

I got to talk to you quick.

I was in the parking lot playing volleyball with the others.

And I saw Mrs. Ladder getting out of her car.

She's not supposed to be here yet.

She's not in the escalator!

Quick, hurry!

Get back to work!

Back to work!

Why?

If the old bat gets mabbled, just tell her it's all because of your stupid policy.

Besides, what are you going to do?

Fire us?

Hey, you, steal the computer.

What's your name?

Johnson.

Oh, of course.

I got one thing to say to you, buddy.

You are fired!

He's firing people again.

Party's over.

Let's get back to work.

I'm sorry, Drew.

You know, it's just a shame.

People are always looking for a way to take advantage on the job.

Well, I better repack this thing.

I can get it delivered.

Well, this is fun.

Oh, Mr. Drew actually had this ping-pong table anyway.

Oh, about 130 years.

His mother wouldn't let his father bring it in

the house after he got back from the Civil War.

Oh, yeah.

So, anything new down at Farmco?

Nah.

How's the world of brain surgery treating you?

Well, you know, same old, same old.

Took out three brains, put in two.

So, you want to go to the bronze game tonight?

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute.

The bronze don't exist anymore.

You almost wrote that down, didn't you?

Ah, there it is.

It's all dusty again.