Original subtitles

Ninety-seven.

Ninety-eight.

Ninety-nine.

Who is it?

Electrician.

The door was unlocked, so I came right up.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

You're my first job since I got out of an all-women's prison.

Boy, is it hot in here.

It's my goose neck.

It doesn't work anymore.

Maybe it needs a woman's touch.

Have you tried jiggling it a little?

Constantly.

Hell, but my jiggling hasn't damaged it.

Well, let's flip the switch and find out.

At least you know it's not a short.

I'm sorry.

This is my first time in front of a camera.

All right, I promise I won't start laughing until they start having sex.

You know, like usual.

Hey, I'm just happy to have a co-star.

I'm just picking up where we left off.

Look, I'm still worried that somebody's going to find this tape.

I mean, we've got to make sure when we're finished that

we label it something no one would ever want to see.

About what we call it, Drew having sex.

Well, how about this for boring?

Fifty misconceptions about human resources.

Hey, there's nothing boring about my job.

A lot of good things.

Oh, yeah, it's a good one.

Okay, I'm ready.

And now let's try to get this right the first

time, because as you know, I don't do second takes.

Yeah, just hand it here.

I'll turn off the ringer.

Drew, it's Mom.

Are you there?

It's my mom.

Just hang up.

Oh, hang up on my mom to make a sex tape?

Let me just conjure up the devil and we'll smoke

crack with him and dance around the Bible fire.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing you in a couple days.

Tomorrow morning?

Yeah.

Well, Nicky's looking forward to seeing you, too.

Yeah, it's going to be great.

Hey, listen, why don't you save that story about

Aunt Mildred's infected eyes from other times?

Talk about it tomorrow at dinner.

Yeah, love you, too.

Bye.

Okay, dirty thoughts, dirty thoughts, dirty thoughts.

Okay, I'm back.

Okay, first, I want to dedicate this to our children who might find this tape someday.

Kids, this is your mom and dad on their first date.

Close your name again, honey.

Don't worry, kids.

That's a good kind of owie.

Hi, Ron.

What are you doing?

Breakfast will be ready in a minute.

We've been waiting for you for half the morning.

Still keeping a rock star's hour, isn't it, kid?

Yeah, it's a quarter to seven.

All right.

So, when do we get to meet Nicky?

Oh, she'll be down in a minute.

What?

You slept with a woman before you were married?

Is this the way your father and I raised you?

If we really thought you hadn't had sex by now, we'd kill ourselves.

Hey, you're here already.

Oh, is this the angel who saved my son from dying alone?

Give me a hug.

What a sweetheart.

Thank you for marrying my son, Drew.

And, you know, stopping the rumor mill at the family reunion.

So sorry.

I've got to run.

My office just called, and I've got to be at the airport in an hour.

Well, we'll catch up later.

Okay.

Bye, Drew.

Bye-bye.

Well, that is one big, beautiful girl you've got there.

And now, if you will excuse me, it's been a long drive.

I'm back on my home turf.

Now it's time for a little rumble in the jungle.

Hey, Mom, can you sit down for a second?

I have to talk to you about something.

Yes, of course, dear.

Uh, something happened last night.

Hey, anybody home?

It's the kids you wish you had.

Hold that thought.

I've got to give out some hugs.

Oh, congratulations, Oswald.

I'm so happy for you, Kate Lee.

Thank you.

And Louis.

Hey, there's an Oswald in the old ball and chain.

And the old ball and chain.

What's that all about?

I put it on for the bachelor party tonight.

Hey, wait a minute.

Drew's getting married, too.

How come he's not lugging around an extra 30 pounds?

Hey, Mr. Carey.

Up in your office, Mr. Carey.

Yeah, just catching up on a little paperwork.

Well, you can't call him uptight.

No, no.

I've already got the nature documentaries lined up for the party tonight.

And we're also going to hire a juggler.

Yeah, you want a blonde juggler, brunette juggler, or redhead juggler?

Oh, please, boys, I know all about stag films and strippers.

No, we're really hiring jugglers, Mrs. Carey.

Naked jugglers.

Well, we've got to get some more buzz beer for the party.

Come on, Katie Ball.

You too, Kate.

You're a boy, Mr. Carey.

Don't get up.

Oh, it's so sad.

Everybody's getting married but Lewis.

Hard and gold body of a hat rack.

What are you going to do?

Mom, I decided I'm not going to get married to Nicky.

Have you got any tomato paste?

Because I'm going to make some pasta sauce.

Mom, did you even hear me?

No, I couldn't hear because of the sound of my heart breaking.

Look, something happened last night between me and Nicky,

and I just decided she's not the woman for me, you know?

Oh, honey, Nicky is wonderful.

And even if she wasn't, nobody is perfect.

On some things, we have to settle a little.

I know all about settling, Mom.

I'm the one to ask widow Henderson to the prom, remember?

Bingo night my ass.

Drew, you know, I've seen pictures of when you started

dating Nicky, and she has put on a lot of weight.

Now, is that what this is about?

Look, I told you, I'm not going to get into the details, all right?

I just made it my mind to call it off, and then it's that.

Well, you're not going to tell your father.

Well, eventually he's going to come out of the

bathroom, so I'm just going to have to tell him.

Now, I didn't want to worry you, but your father's been

going through a serious depression for almost a year.

What he doesn't need right now is bad news.

Hey, bro.

Mom.

No, Steve, you look beautiful.

Well, I'm my mother's son.

Hey, where's dad?

I've decided it's time to finally tell him I'm a cross-dresser.

You can't go.

Why ain't my oldest son down there?

The biggest life, dad.

How are you doing?

You're still a ladies' man.

Well, you could say that.

Now is not the time you've got to leave before he sees you.

Just get out of here.

Just don't push me.

Just because I'm in a dress doesn't mean I can't kick your butt all over the house.

Who's your maid of honor?

Who's your maid of honor?

Drew is backing onto the wedding.

Yeah, no, he definitely is.

Goodnight, ladies.

Goodnight, ladies.

Goodnight, ladies.

He's almost done.

Now, your father is not himself lately, and he doesn't need to see.

Yes, now leave.

Is the bachelor party off?

Oh, yeah, I guess.

No, you can't hurt your father, and you're not going to spoil Oswald's big night.

That was a screw.

No, you're going to go to that party like everything is fine.

At least give your father that.

And later, when the time is right, I'll break it to him.

And you're going to go to the party, too, and you wear a suit.

A pantsuit's a suit, right?

No.

Where did I go wrong with you boys?

I told you if you didn't get us that red bike, there'd be trouble.

Drew, you're not getting the bike, and that's final.

And I put a fine sloping around.

Fifty misconceptions about human resources.

I never did understand Drew's job.

Let's pop it in the old VCR.

Man, we're going to love this tape.

The first 20 minutes is real exciting.

It's about preferred provider health insurance.

Then the next 20 minutes kind of drag.

But then it picks up at the end.

It's all about human resource ergonomics.

You know, how dividers work, how tall they are, stuff like that.

You know what?

I think we already rented this in Florida, didn't we, Bill?

No, it sounds familiar.

Let's have breakfast.

I even got the workbook to go.

I thought we saw it.

Hello, Mimi.

Have you seen Drew?

I thought I would surprise him with a new shirt for the bachelor party.

Oh, he left already.

I was sorry to hear about your future daughter-in-law.

Why?

What have you heard?

She's marrying your son.

Oh,

you are full of the dickens.

Now, what about you, Mimi?

When are you going to settle down?

Well, now that Drew's off the market, all the good ones are taken.

But seriously, I look at wedding rings as the world's smallest handcuffs.

Now, Mimi, I know you're popular with the

boys now, but even the brightest colors fade.

Crapes your dark old broad.

No, I just mean that sometimes some things happen that you don't expect.

It's the wedding, isn't it?

Something's wrong.

Oh, all right.

What happened?

Is this the wedding hall?

Oh, my God.

It's hall.

It's hall.

Oh, Mimi, we've got to talk.

Drew doesn't want to marry Nicky.

Why is it that things don't work out with him and women?

Well, it goes for the wrong type.

I mean, he falls for these soft, spineless baby dolls.

Yuck!

I just want to knock him down and make him cry!

What would be right for him?

Well, then, it's someone strong, confident, who speaks

her mind and can still knock your socks off in bed.

In other words, the perfect woman for Drew is you.

Hey, when did this conversation turn against me?

Oh, limes.

Now, mix.

I've got pornography.

The best.

What a great pizza party, huh?

Boy, I can't imagine the wedding being more fun than this.

Shouldn't we just stop at the last place we had fun?

Son, you're confusing me.

Either drink more or drink less.

Well, considering I'm just about to watch porn with my dad, I think I'll drink more.

Gather around, kiddies.

It's story time.

Oh, what's this one about, Uncle Larry?

It's about actors who couldn't get on the soaps going at it like animals.

My cousin Joey has a box full of these things.

I just skimmed a couple off the top.

Listen, your college boys is about to get mighty steamy in here.

Oh, man, a beach house.

You know, somebody's got to be getting some.

I bet this guy, the tall guys always get it first.

Hey, here comes some more guys.

Man, you have to skip the outfits for it.

I wonder what the women are going to be with.

My cup, they've started without the woman.

Maybe he's just warming them up until the girls get there.

What the heck is this stuff?

The buns of Navarone?

Men in back.

Three men and a maybe.

Don't worry, guys, I've got back up.

What is it?

Fifty misconceptions about human resources.

I know it's kind of a weird title, but I got it from Drew's secret drawer,

so I know it's H.O.J.

Halt, baby.

Yeah, my dad already saw it, so I'm not good at his dad.

I told you I saw it.

I'll get the cake.

Oh, look, before we get to that, you guys gotta know how we feel about you.

And, well, we know things are a little tight right now, so the whole neighborhood

chipped in to help you get started on your new lives.

What?

Happy marriage, buddy.

Oh, my God, for me?

And, Drew, we actually started saving this money to buy you a wife, but, uh...

after we passed your picture around the village, all the

single women threw themselves into the volcano, so...

Hey, thanks, guys.

Really, I just... You have to give this money back to everybody.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, look at all this money.

Anybody tells Kate about this, I'll kill you.

Oh, my God, what's happening to me?

What are you looking at?

Whoa!

Come here, son.

What the hell is the matter with you?

The guys do something nice?

You throw it in their faces?

Hey, I appreciate it.

It's the water.

Well, I hate to be the one to break this news

to you, big chef, but you need this money.

No!

I mean, if you're too stupid to see that you and Nicky need a nest egg,

I'm gonna make you take it.

Stop it!

Just stop it!

Nicky and I are getting married.

Okay.

Mom didn't want me to tell you.

She told me what you were going through with

your depression and your therapy and everything.

What happened, son?

You don't love her anymore.

Uh, no.

I just don't love her anymore.

You'll be okay?

Well, I'm not dancing in the aisle, but thank

God you didn't marry someone you don't love.

Oh, man.

Mom's gonna be really happy you're fine with it.

I mean, she's so worried about you.

Oh, let me tell you a little secret.

I did go through a really heavy depression for a month.

The last few months, I just been milking it to get out of yard work.

All right, it's kick time.

We all know it's in there, so come on out, sweetheart.

Dad, it's me.

I'm a cross-dresser and I wanted the whole world to know.

Uh, look at the bright side, Dad.

You just got out of yard work for the rest of your life.

Hi, Drew.

It's Mom.

We're back in Florida, safe and sound.

I think your father's starting to deal with your brother's change.

He stopped in Savannah and got him the cutest little one-piece.

Anyway, I hope that you let Nicky down easy, honey.

From what you told us, she must have loved you a lot.

Well, bye-bye.

Hey, Biola, the grass ain't gonna cut itself.

I know you're not depressed.

Knock it off.

What's your name again, honey?

Ow!

Don't worry, kids, that's a good kind of owie.

I almost forgot.

I got flavored oils.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I hate so commoditor.

I can see my face.

How do people ever have sex before video cameras?

You know, we're lucky.

My grandmother had to walk six miles in the snow to have sex.

Oh, my God.

What?

I'm going home.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry.

This... Look, this was a stupid idea.

If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll just shut it off.

No, it's not that.

Look at me.

I'm a pig.

I'm disgusting.

How can you even look at me?

I love looking at you, but you look great.

Quit saying that.

You know I don't look great.

You just saw my big fat ass on TV.

I knew this was going to happen.

This is why I didn't want to start dating you in the first place.

I can't handle being around someone who loves to eat.

Well, you know, you pick the hell of a guy to get engaged to, you know.

Please don't do this.

Look, I love you.

I'll work, but I'll help you.

You can't help me.

You're the problem.

Here.

You should probably have your ring back.

Crap, I can't even get the damn thing off.

Would you turn that video camera off?

The last thing we need is a video tape for last night together.

I'll show them.

I'll show them all.

You'll be safe there.

What?

I love you too.

Idiot.