All language subtitles for The.Drew.Carey.Show.S03E20.The.Bachelor.Party-ing

Ninety-seven.

Ninety-eight.

Ninety-nine.

Who is it?

Electrician.

The door was unlocked, so I came right up.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

You're my first job since I got out of an
all-women's prison.

Boy, is it hot in here.

It's my goose neck.

It doesn't work anymore.

Maybe it needs a woman's touch.

Have you tried jiggling it a little?

Constantly.

Hell, but my jiggling hasn't damaged it.

Well, let's flip the switch and find out.

At least you know it's not a short.

I'm sorry.

This is my first time in front of a
camera.

All right, I promise I won't start
laughing until they start having sex.

You know, like usual.

Hey, I'm just happy to have a co-star.

I'm just picking up where we left off.

Look, I'm still worried that somebody's
going to find this tape.

I mean, we've got to make
sure when we're finished that

we label it something no
one would ever want to see.

About what we call it, Drew having sex.

Well, how about this for boring?

Fifty misconceptions about human
resources.

Hey, there's nothing boring about my job.

A lot of good things.

Oh, yeah, it's a good one.

Okay, I'm ready.

And now let's try to
get this right the first

time, because as you
know, I don't do second takes.

Yeah, just hand it here.

I'll turn off the ringer.

Drew, it's Mom.

Are you there?

It's my mom.

Just hang up.

Oh, hang up on my mom to make a sex tape?

Let me just conjure up
the devil and we'll smoke

crack with him and
dance around the Bible fire.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing you in
a couple days.

Tomorrow morning?

Yeah.

Well, Nicky's looking forward to seeing
you, too.

Yeah, it's going to be great.

Hey, listen, why don't
you save that story about

Aunt Mildred's infected
eyes from other times?

Talk about it tomorrow at dinner.

Yeah, love you, too.

Bye.

Okay, dirty thoughts, dirty thoughts,
dirty thoughts.

Okay, I'm back.

Okay, first, I want to dedicate this to our
children who might find this tape someday.

Kids, this is your mom and dad on their
first date.

Close your name again, honey.

Don't worry, kids.

That's a good kind of owie.

Hi, Ron.

What are you doing?

Breakfast will be ready in a minute.

We've been waiting for you for half the
morning.

Still keeping a rock star's hour,
isn't it, kid?

Yeah, it's a quarter to seven.

All right.

So, when do we get to meet Nicky?

Oh, she'll be down in a minute.

What?

You slept with a woman before you were
married?

Is this the way your father and I raised
you?

If we really thought you hadn't had sex by
now, we'd kill ourselves.

Hey, you're here already.

Oh, is this the angel who saved my son
from dying alone?

Give me a hug.

What a sweetheart.

Thank you for marrying my son,
Drew.

And, you know, stopping the rumor mill at
the family reunion.

So sorry.

I've got to run.

My office just called, and I've got to be
at the airport in an hour.

Well, we'll catch up later.

Okay.

Bye, Drew.

Bye-bye.

Well, that is one big, beautiful girl
you've got there.

And now, if you will excuse me,
it's been a long drive.

I'm back on my home turf.

Now it's time for a little rumble in the
jungle.

Hey, Mom, can you sit down for a second?

I have to talk to you about something.

Yes, of course, dear.

Uh, something happened last night.

Hey, anybody home?

It's the kids you wish you had.

Hold that thought.

I've got to give out some hugs.

Oh, congratulations, Oswald.

I'm so happy for you, Kate Lee.

Thank you.

And Louis.

Hey, there's an Oswald in the old ball and
chain.

And the old ball and chain.

What's that all about?

I put it on for the bachelor party
tonight.

Hey, wait a minute.

Drew's getting married, too.

How come he's not lugging around an extra
30 pounds?

Hey, Mr. Carey.

Up in your office, Mr. Carey.

Yeah, just catching up on a little
paperwork.

Well, you can't call him uptight.

No, no.

I've already got the nature documentaries
lined up for the party tonight.

And we're also going to hire a juggler.

Yeah, you want a blonde juggler,
brunette juggler, or redhead juggler?

Oh, please, boys, I know all about stag
films and strippers.

No, we're really hiring jugglers,
Mrs. Carey.

Naked jugglers.

Well, we've got to get some more buzz beer
for the party.

Come on, Katie Ball.

You too, Kate.

You're a boy, Mr. Carey.

Don't get up.

Oh, it's so sad.

Everybody's getting married but Lewis.

Hard and gold body of a hat rack.

What are you going to do?

Mom, I decided I'm not going to get
married to Nicky.

Have you got any tomato paste?

Because I'm going to make some pasta
sauce.

Mom, did you even hear me?

No, I couldn't hear because of the sound
of my heart breaking.

Look, something happened
last night between me and Nicky,

and I just decided she's not
the woman for me, you know?

Oh, honey, Nicky is wonderful.

And even if she wasn't, nobody is perfect.

On some things, we have to settle a
little.

I know all about settling, Mom.

I'm the one to ask widow Henderson to the
prom, remember?

Bingo night my ass.

Drew, you know, I've seen
pictures of when you started

dating Nicky, and she
has put on a lot of weight.

Now, is that what this is about?

Look, I told you, I'm not going to get
into the details, all right?

I just made it my mind to call it off,
and then it's that.

Well, you're not going to tell your
father.

Well, eventually he's
going to come out of the

bathroom, so I'm just
going to have to tell him.

Now, I didn't want to worry
you, but your father's been

going through a serious
depression for almost a year.

What he doesn't need right now is bad
news.

Hey, bro.

Mom.

No, Steve, you look beautiful.

Well, I'm my mother's son.

Hey, where's dad?

I've decided it's time to finally tell him
I'm a cross-dresser.

You can't go.

Why ain't my oldest son down there?

The biggest life, dad.

How are you doing?

You're still a ladies' man.

Well, you could say that.

Now is not the time you've got to leave
before he sees you.

Just get out of here.

Just don't push me.

Just because I'm in a dress doesn't mean I
can't kick your butt all over the house.

Who's your maid of honor?

Who's your maid of honor?

Drew is backing onto the wedding.

Yeah, no, he definitely is.

Goodnight, ladies.

Goodnight, ladies.

Goodnight, ladies.

He's almost done.

Now, your father is not himself lately,
and he doesn't need to see.

Yes, now leave.

Is the bachelor party off?

Oh, yeah, I guess.

No, you can't hurt your father, and you're
not going to spoil Oswald's big night.

That was a screw.

No, you're going to go to that party like
everything is fine.

At least give your father that.

And later, when the time is right,
I'll break it to him.

And you're going to go to the party,
too, and you wear a suit.

A pantsuit's a suit, right?

No.

Where did I go wrong with you boys?

I told you if you didn't get us that red
bike, there'd be trouble.

Drew, you're not getting the bike,
and that's final.

And I put a fine sloping around.

Fifty misconceptions about human
resources.

I never did understand Drew's job.

Let's pop it in the old VCR.

Man, we're going to love this tape.

The first 20 minutes is real exciting.

It's about preferred provider health
insurance.

Then the next 20 minutes kind of drag.

But then it picks up at the end.

It's all about human resource ergonomics.

You know, how dividers work, how tall they
are, stuff like that.

You know what?

I think we already rented this in Florida,
didn't we, Bill?

No, it sounds familiar.

Let's have breakfast.

I even got the workbook to go.

I thought we saw it.

Hello, Mimi.

Have you seen Drew?

I thought I would surprise him with a new
shirt for the bachelor party.

Oh, he left already.

I was sorry to hear about your future
daughter-in-law.

Why?

What have you heard?

She's marrying your son.

Oh,

you are full of the dickens.

Now, what about you, Mimi?

When are you going to settle down?

Well, now that Drew's off the market,
all the good ones are taken.

But seriously, I look at wedding rings as
the world's smallest handcuffs.

Now, Mimi, I know
you're popular with the

boys now, but even
the brightest colors fade.

Crapes your dark old broad.

No, I just mean that sometimes some things
happen that you don't expect.

It's the wedding, isn't it?

Something's wrong.

Oh, all right.

What happened?

Is this the wedding hall?

Oh, my God.

It's hall.

It's hall.

Oh, Mimi, we've got to talk.

Drew doesn't want to marry Nicky.

Why is it that things don't work out with
him and women?

Well, it goes for the wrong type.

I mean, he falls for these soft,
spineless baby dolls.

Yuck!

I just want to knock him down and make him
cry!

What would be right for him?

Well, then, it's someone
strong, confident, who speaks

her mind and can still
knock your socks off in bed.

In other words, the perfect woman for Drew
is you.

Hey, when did this conversation turn
against me?

Oh, limes.

Now, mix.

I've got pornography.

The best.

What a great pizza party, huh?

Boy, I can't imagine the wedding being
more fun than this.

Shouldn't we just stop at the last place
we had fun?

Son, you're confusing me.

Either drink more or drink less.

Well, considering I'm just about to watch
porn with my dad, I think I'll drink more.

Gather around, kiddies.

It's story time.

Oh, what's this one about, Uncle Larry?

It's about actors who couldn't get on the
soaps going at it like animals.

My cousin Joey has a box full of these
things.

I just skimmed a couple off the top.

Listen, your college boys is about to get
mighty steamy in here.

Oh, man, a beach house.

You know, somebody's got to be getting
some.

I bet this guy, the tall guys always get
it first.

Hey, here comes some more guys.

Man, you have to skip the outfits for it.

I wonder what the women are going to be
with.

My cup, they've started without the woman.

Maybe he's just warming them up until the
girls get there.

What the heck is this stuff?

The buns of Navarone?

Men in back.

Three men and a maybe.

Don't worry, guys, I've got back up.

What is it?

Fifty misconceptions about human
resources.

I know it's kind of a weird title,
but I got it from Drew's secret drawer,

so I know it's H.O.J.

Halt, baby.

Yeah, my dad already saw it, so I'm not
good at his dad.

I told you I saw it.

I'll get the cake.

Oh, look, before we get to that,
you guys gotta know how we feel about you.

And, well, we know things are a little
tight right now, so the whole neighborhood

chipped in to help you get started on your
new lives.

What?

Happy marriage, buddy.

Oh, my God, for me?

And, Drew, we actually started saving this
money to buy you a wife, but, uh...

after we passed your picture
around the village, all the

single women threw
themselves into the volcano, so...

Hey, thanks, guys.

Really, I just... You have to give this
money back to everybody.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, look at all this money.

Anybody tells Kate about this,
I'll kill you.

Oh, my God, what's happening to me?

What are you looking at?

Whoa!

Come here, son.

What the hell is the matter with you?

The guys do something nice?

You throw it in their faces?

Hey, I appreciate it.

It's the water.

Well, I hate to be the
one to break this news

to you, big chef, but
you need this money.

No!

I mean, if you're too stupid to see that
you and Nicky need a nest egg,

I'm gonna make you take it.

Stop it!

Just stop it!

Nicky and I are getting married.

Okay.

Mom didn't want me to tell you.

She told me what you
were going through with

your depression and your
therapy and everything.

What happened, son?

You don't love her anymore.

Uh, no.

I just don't love her anymore.

You'll be okay?

Well, I'm not dancing
in the aisle, but thank

God you didn't marry
someone you don't love.

Oh, man.

Mom's gonna be really happy you're fine
with it.

I mean, she's so worried about you.

Oh, let me tell you a little secret.

I did go through a really heavy depression
for a month.

The last few months, I just been milking
it to get out of yard work.

All right, it's kick time.

We all know it's in there, so come on out,
sweetheart.

Dad, it's me.

I'm a cross-dresser and I wanted the whole
world to know.

Uh, look at the bright side, Dad.

You just got out of yard work for the rest
of your life.

Hi, Drew.

It's Mom.

We're back in Florida, safe and sound.

I think your father's starting to deal
with your brother's change.

He stopped in Savannah and got him the
cutest little one-piece.

Anyway, I hope that you let Nicky down
easy, honey.

From what you told us, she must have loved
you a lot.

Well, bye-bye.

Hey, Biola, the grass ain't gonna cut
itself.

I know you're not depressed.

Knock it off.

What's your name again, honey?

Ow!

Don't worry, kids, that's a good kind of
owie.

I almost forgot.

I got flavored oils.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I hate so commoditor.

I can see my face.

How do people ever have sex before video
cameras?

You know, we're lucky.

My grandmother had to walk six miles in
the snow to have sex.

Oh, my God.

What?

I'm going home.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry.

This... Look, this
was a stupid idea.

If it makes you uncomfortable,
I'll just shut it off.

No, it's not that.

Look at me.

I'm a pig.

I'm disgusting.

How can you even look at me?

I love looking at you, but you look great.

Quit saying that.

You know I don't look great.

You just saw my big fat ass on TV.

I knew this was going to happen.

This is why I didn't want to start dating
you in the first place.

I can't handle being around someone who
loves to eat.

Well, you know, you pick the hell of a guy
to get engaged to, you know.

Please don't do this.

Look, I love you.

I'll work, but I'll help you.

You can't help me.

You're the problem.

Here.

You should probably have your ring back.

Crap, I can't even get the damn thing off.

Would you turn that video camera off?

The last thing we need is a video tape for
last night together.

I'll show them.

I'll show them all.

You'll be safe there.

What?

I love you too.

Idiot.