Original subtitles

Oh, my God, these are beautiful.

Wow, I can get any of these engagement rings for only $300.

That's the everyday win for the Louder price.

Wow, I had no idea diamonds were so cheap.

I should buy diamond underpants or something.

Well, these aren't real diamonds.

No, I assumed you'd want something a little less expensive.

These are diamondelles.

Oh.

Diamondelles?

What's a diamondell?

Well, uh, do you see that window over there?

Yeah.

Well, that's a real big diamondell.

What makes you think we can't afford real diamonds?

Oh, you're true.

I'm trained to read a customer.

I can take one quick look at you and tell you what you make a year.

Okay, shoot.

Fantastic Sam haircut.

Fast food physique.

Tie that you wanted a carnival.

Just so happens I got this for free with 30 gallons of premium.

Come on, we love these women.

Don't you have any real diamonds?

Sure, but it's going to cost you a little more.

Hey, this one's nice.

I'm not sure if it's Nicky's size.

Let me check.

Oh, that... that looks like the sausage.

Nicky was feeding me sausages, and after a horrible near-accident,

I realized her fingers were the exact same size.

Well, that looks nice.

But what would look nice on a sausage?

You got anything with a little pizzazz?

Well, I have everything from this small but perfect pinpoint of light to this one.

It's quite flawed, but it's huge.

Oh.

I'll take the best of it.

I'll take the big and flawed, just like Kate took the big and flawed.

I'll take the small and perfect, just like I'm going to be someday.

Well, it will take me some time to get them cleaned in

size, so I will have to call you when they're ready.

Uh, is there any way you can put a rush on it?

Because I was hoping to give it to my fiancé

when I meet her parents tonight for dinner.

Well, I suppose you'd like me to propose for you, too.

Come on, I'm on commission.

I am dying here.

Okay, okay.

Just don't forget my employee discount.

Yes, of course, your employee discount.

Any coupons before I go?

Yeah, about taking 25% off that attitude.

You know, I work hard for my money.

I deserve a little respect.

Give me the coupon.

Here you go.

Joe, what's going on?

Why'd you call me up here?

I didn't call you up here.

All right, they're here.

Gather around, everyone.

And what do you all know that two miracles have happened.

First, Carrie is getting married.

To a woman.

And then there's Kate in her need to fix things.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, can I have your attention?

Now that Duke Carrie's getting married, I have a petition

here to make it against the law for him to breed.

Started out as a joke, and then it just kind of snowballed.

I got a lot of signatures, so sign in if you want.

Hey.

Okay, okay.

Well, everybody knows that Drew and I tease each other a lot, but at a time like

this, I just want to say something from the heart.

I hate Drew Carey, and I hope he's ripped to death by rabbit dogs.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to get so emotional.

Just rot in hell, okay, buddy?

Uh, I want to say something, too.

I've never been happier in my life.

Because when I look at Oswald, nothing else matters.

With your loving... Whoa, baby, back it up.

I want Louis to hear this.

Am I crazy, or was I just talking?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

Just came by for lunch.

And I'm glad I did.

Those sideburns are getting a little shaggy, huh?

How about I come by Saturday?

Louis trims your sideburns?

It's just my ear hair.

This is not about you, Drew.

This is about Oswald and me.

Or should I say Oswald Lewis and me?

We live together now.

I should have a say in your sideburns.

Geez, you won.

Get over it.

Hey, how many guys here have ever had a buddy trim your hair?

Thank you.

See, I told you, Louis and I have a normal relationship.

And how many guys let another guy sing you a little song if you're feeling blue?

You bunch of freaks.

You know, I think we have a little problem here.

It's bad enough.

You're on the phone with him six times a day.

You can't keep doing everything together.

We're getting married.

Something has got to change.

Katie Barrett.

Katie.

Katie.

Your son will come up.

It's your bottom dollar.

That's a morrow.

They'll be some.

Just thinking about tomorrow.

Wigs away the cobwebs have no sorrow.

Hey, tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you.

Tomorrow, you're only the day.

Oh!

Oh!

All this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude It's

back where it belongs All the little chicks with the crimson lips Go bleep and

rock, bleep and rock She's living in sin with her safety Well,

I'm glad you came for premarital counseling

because I can definitely sense some tension.

Now, who is this Lewis?

He's our friend and Oswald's old roommate.

He drove us here.

See, that's the problem.

I feel like he's around us all the time.

We're never alone.

Kate, as your relationship with Oswald grows,

his old relationships will become less important.

But in the meantime, it's up to you to incorporate them into...

Could you try taking this seriously, Oswald?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry, Father.

I was just wondering, why did the church be black and white as they're fighting colors?

Well, the first pope was a big Raiders fan.

Now, Kate, Oswald, this is a problem that can be solved.

Father, where's the restroom?

It's right down the hall.

I'll be right back.

Oswald, Kate's willingness to talk this thing through

proves that she's got a lot of love in her heart.

I think if you're able to meet her halfway on this issue, that she may come around.

What is it, my son?

Father, I think we should pray.

Hi,

welcome to Johnny's.

Hi, I'm here to meet the Pfeiffer Party.

Oh, yes, right this way.

Listen, before we go over there, that's gonna sound

kind of crazy, but they're gonna be my future in-laws.

Oh, how do I look?

You want the truth?

No, I can't handle the truth.

Then you look great.

Hi, I'm Drew.

You must be Mr. and Mrs. Pfeiffer.

Please, Chuck and Charlene.

Hey, easy there, big fella.

You're not crushing walnuts.

Sorry, that's my nut-crushing hand.

So, where's Nikki?

She loves my sense of humor.

I'm afraid she's not coming.

So, it's just us, then?

Nikki snowed in at her sister's in Minneapolis.

Could be a week before she gets out.

Well, you know, we can do this another night.

But we can't.

Chuck and I are only in town for a couple of days.

And our little girl's not getting married until I approve the guy she's picked.

Now, let's relax and get to know each other.

Dinner's on me tonight.

So, tell us about a day in the life of Drew Carey.

Oh, you know, I get up, go to work, go home, go to sleep.

You're quite a salesman, son.

Gee, I really didn't think I'd have to sell myself tonight.

Wouldn't hurt.

Boy, you know, I wish you could see me and Nikki together.

I mean, we make a great couple.

Oh, hold on.

Here's a picture of the two of us at Christmas.

Oh, my God!

Nikki's huge!

She must have gained at least 50 pounds.

So, what made her get off her diet?

I think she looks great.

Well, there's your problem.

She can't be around eaters.

Don't blame him.

Nikki's heavy because you spent her whole childhood rewarding her with food.

Hey, my mom did that.

I sure not okay.

Look, if you just eat a little more bread and

shut up, I might like you a little better.

That's right.

Feed the fat kid.

Hey, don't call me the fat kid.

This didn't start because of the fat kid.

It started because you were pushing Nikki to be perfect.

I said, quick, call me the fat kid.

The problem with you two is you don't listen.

You hear that?

Even Drew says you don't listen.

Oh, well, thank you, Drew.

You want to know something else he doesn't do?

I don't think so.

We haven't had decent sex in 10 years.

You know, this... none of my...

I'm not trying to take any sides here, but, you know, they say, you know,

Prozac can really affect the man's sexual performance.

If, in fact, you do take Prozac.

You told Nikki, and now the fat kid knows.

Well, of course I talk to Nikki.

Well, I had to talk to someone.

God knows when I try to talk to you, you just

go downstairs and play with those damn trains.

At least when I turn on my trains, they move.

You want to see move.

I'm moving out.

I don't need Drew here to draw me a map.

Well, he certainly enlightened me.

I'm just sorry it took a stranger to show me that my marriage was dead.

Hey, listen, before I get upset here, is this normal dinner conversation for you two?

I'm calling an attorney.

You can find your own way back to the hotel.

Oh, wait a second.

You can't get a divorce.

Oh, man, Nikki's gonna kill me.

If she's anything like her mother, it'll be long and slow.

Well, uh, Pop, here's to can't get any worse, huh?

Oh, crap.

Charlene's got my wallet.

You're gonna have to buy the dinner.

Touche.

Hey, Nikki, how you doing?

Oh, dinner with your parents went great.

Yeah, uh, just one thing I want to ask, have you

ever noticed any kind of tension between them?

Yeah, you're right.

I must be imagining things.

Okay, all right.

We'll see you in a few days.

Bye, honey.

Love you, too.

Well, I dodged that bullet.

Now, all I gotta do is get out a ticket and chuck around and pick up chicks.

Chicks?

That's what he said.

Yeah.

I understand your problem, and I know what you should do.

What?

Kill yourself.

Oh, wait.

That just solves my problem.

What was your problem?

I'm trying to cure a guy I know of wanting to be single.

What are you doing Saturday night?

Washing my hair in the sweat of three men.

Takes two guys to hold the third guy down.

Kate, I need to talk to you.

I feel really bad about what happened on it.

I want to make it up to you.

Kate, I present to you my beautiful Princess Kate, this ring.

Oswald, it's so big.

Is it a real diamond?

Technically, yes.

It's the most romantic thing I've ever seen.

Well, you know me, I'm a romantic.

Okay, I've got the pillow, I've got the flashlight.

Oh, yeah, I love you, Kate.

What's that?

It's nothing, just a note that I, myself, made.

Oh, it's Louis' handwriting.

No, no, it's not.

Number six, don't let Kate see this.

She knows my handwriting.

You're pal Louis.

I'm sorry, Kate.

Let me tell you how sorry I am.

Oh, that's from Louis?

I'm gonna make you a new pocket to shove that back into.

Oh.

So, why don't we start by each of you telling

me what you want from this relationship?

I just want to make Kate happy.

I want to be the most important person in

Oswald's life, which I don't think that I am.

I want to know why I got the little chair.

Oswald, when you enter a marriage, your spouse must become your first priority.

I've been friends with Louis my whole life.

I just don't know what to do.

I'll tell you what you do.

Get out of here.

What?

Sick and tired of you following me around, Oswald.

But you heard me.

Don't you see I was just feeling sorry for you?

Oh, don't look at me like that.

Or I'm gone.

There's no room for you.

Now, get, boy.

Get, I tell you, fella.

Go!

Go, boy!

Would you stop it?

We all saw the stupid dog movie last night.

Tell me, Oswald, what do you get from your relationship with Louis?

Well, friendship.

Companionship.

Guidance.

Support.

And a whole lot of laughs.

Okay.

And, uh, what do you get from Kate?

Well, friendship, companionship, guidance, support.

Lots of laughs, and...

Oh.

Thanks, Padre.

I think I'm cured.

Let's get out of here.

Are you gonna be okay, buddy?

You kids go have your fun.

So, what do you want to do now, father?

Actually, Louis, I'm going to be conducting

a funeral service in about a half an hour.

Hey, mind if I tag along?

If we're gonna be outside, I've got a bucket of

balls and a seven iron in the trunk of my car.

Yeah, all right.

Let's go.

Here we are.

It's where all my single friends hang out.

Hello, I gotta tell you, I'm a little uncomfortable

cruising for chicks with my fiancé's father.

Hiya, Drew.

Hey, nice to see you again, Mr. Pfeiffer.

I was having a couple beers before I head off to an orgy.

Really?

You're going to an orgy?

Oh, yeah.

Computer sex.

See, in the 90s, the internet's the only safe way to do it.

I just come down here to memorize some faces to put on my cyber dates.

Hey.

You're pretty.

Too late, baby.

It's all up here.

Hey, we should try that some day.

Let's grab a table.

Hey, Drew, I don't think I've met your friend.

Oh, uh, Kate, this is Chuck.

Newly single.

Oh, I like a man who's lost once or twice.

They appreciate a good woman when they see one.

Well, I'm seeing and I'm appreciating.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure.

But before you do, I want you to know that my acceptance is not tacit approval for

you to touch me, lure at me, and disrespect me in any way.

Furthermore, if I agree to let you drive me home, I'm still

under no obligation to kiss Fondle or even look at you.

It's all here in the contract.

Don't even think about having sex.

The paperwork will kill you.

So, do you want insurance, Mr. Pfeiffer?

Did I say my name was Pfeiffer?

I call everyone Pfeiffer.

Look at that fat Pfeiffer over there.

Oh, like if I was to say to Drew, if you think this plan is gonna get me

back with my wife, you're one dumb mother Pfeiffer.

All right, fine.

I give up.

You know what I don't know what it's like to be single nowadays?

I'll show you.

With a vengeance.

Pfeiffer.

Rather a pedestrian-animated fair, wouldn't you say?

You know what was funny, though?

What?

That french fry.

Hey, I got more beer and cheese.

Well, I guess I'll head on back to the wife.

What?

Yeah, I didn't realize how good I had it.

She's not perfect, but you people and your piddly crap, my God!

You do this every night?

Keep this pace up every night?

What are we, the Rolling Stones?

Tell Nicky I'm sorry we missed her.

So, I have your blessing?

Son, when Nicky was a little kid, I told her not to take chances.

Apparently, I got through.

Welcome to the family.

Well, I guess our plan to show him a dull time really worked.

Yeah, glad we came up with that plan to make us seem totally shallow and dull.

How clever of us.

Dammit, come on, we know how to have a good time.

Hey, you think what I'm thinking?

Speedy in the backyard.

Let's make his dog howl at the moon.

Oh, yeah.

Call our lives meaningless.

I left my head on the pool table.

Most people just waved goodbye.

Kelly!

Oh, Brian!

I want to congratulate you both again on your impending nuptials.

And just to show I'm over that little crush

I had on you, I got you an engagement gift.

Well, you didn't have to do this.

An alarm clock, thank you.

It's something you can take with you on honeymoon.

You can put it next to the bed, you know, on your side.

Hey, what's this in here?

It looks like a little lens or something.

No, it's solar powered.

You must leave a light on it all times.

Oh, my God.

It's a camera.

You wanted to watch me on my honeymoon?

Does that disgust or titillate you?

Disgust.

Yes, you're right.