Original subtitles

[STUDENT 1 COUGHS] Oh, my God. I'm coughing.

-STUDENT 2: Do you like it? -STUDENT 1: I like it.

STUDENT 3 [ON PA]: This is an announcement about Picture Day.

Freshman class portrait at 9:30. Sophomore class portrait at 10:30.

Juniors will be during lunch.

[CHATTERING]

That wasn't hard.

-Shut up, bitch. -You shut up.

Okay, man.

I'm like a giant.

-Cherry bomb! -[LOUD BOOM]

♪ True love seed ♪

♪ In the autumn ground ♪

♪ True love seed… ♪

Comb?

Mirror? Comb? No?

Mirror?

-Comb? -Banzai!

Oh! Fuck off, asshole.

♪ Deep in the winter ♪

I'll take it.

♪ True love Deep in the winter white snow ♪

So, what's your name?

[SIGHS]

Talkative. I like that.

How's your day going?

Yeah.

Dinner tonight?

Are you asking me out?

Yes.

I'm not going on a date with you. You're 12.

-You're funny. I'm 15. -[LAUGHS]

How old are you?

You're not supposed to ask that.

You're not supposed to ask a girl how old she is. Annoying.

You're right. It doesn't matter to me.

How are you gonna pay for dinner?

If I say yes and we go on a date for dinner, how are you gonna pay?

-You say everything twice. -[LAUGHS]

-I don't say everything twice. -You do.

What is this "say everything twice"?

Come on. How are you gonna pay?

Do you go to the movies?

Of course I go to the movies.

-Did you see Under One Roof? -Yeah.

You're looking at Tony.

There's, like, a million kids in that movie. I don't know a Tony.

I want you to have dinner with me, not my work.

I'm not trying to brag, but you did ask how I was gonna pay for dinner.

Mmm, you're such an actor. You're such an actor.

What else have you been in?

-This House is Haunted. -No.

-Two Beds, Two Baths. -Mm-mmm.

I've done three sketches on The Merv Griffin Show.

-Did you see me on… -All right.

Don't list your whole résumé. It's braggy. I'm not going on a date with you, man.

You're 15.

"Man."

I like that.

"Kid." How about that?

I'm not going on a date with you, kid. You're 15.

Don't call it a date. It's not a date. Just come say hello.

I like the way you look.

-I like talking with you. -[SCOFFS]

-Where do you live? -Encino.

[CLEARS THROAT] Encino? I live in Encino. Where in Encino?

-On Hatteras. -Hatteras and what?

Ugh! Creep. "Hatteras and what? Hatteras and what?"

-I'm not telling you where I live. -I'll be at the Tail o' the Cock tonight.

-I don't care where you'll be. -I go Thursday for dinner.

Where are your parents while all this is happening?

They're working. Just come say hi.

ALANA: Just shut up.

GARY: I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I take my brother Greg to Tastee-Freez around 6:30. He's in bed by 7:30.

Wait, you go all the way from Encino to Tail o' the Cock for dinner?

-I live in Sherman Oaks. -Oh, come on.

I take my brother Greg to Tastee-Freez around 6:30. He's in bed by 7:30.

I slip around the corner to Tail o' the Cock for my dinner.

That's where I'll be. I'm not trying to pressure you.

You are pressuring me. You are. That's what you're doing.

If you wanna come and say hello, if it's convenient within your plans,

-I'd love to see you. -[SCOFFS]

Convenient within my plans? Wait, you leave your brother alone?

How old is he?

He's eight. Nine.

[GIGGLES] You're hilarious.

You can't even keep your own stories straight.

What are you? You're like a little Robert Goulet, Dean Martin or something.

-Where'd you come from? -Sherman Oaks.

[CHUCKLES] Huh! Sherman Oaks.

-Hi, Alana. -Hi, Cindy.

Did you know we got a big movie star here?

Gary Valentine.

Your name is Valentine?

Valentine.

-CINDY: Should I get an autograph? -Don't bother.

I've been right here the whole time.

I get this feeling I was meant to know you, Alana.

You know I'm 25, right?

I could be your friend, but I can't be your girlfriend.

-That's illegal. -You give me hope.

This is fate that brought us together.

-This is fate. -Shut up.

Card.

Anyway, I'm trying to spend my time with you.

-Is that bad? -Stop that.

Turn your legs around. Not too down. Look up, look up.

Uh, close your mouth just a little bit.

Just see a little bit of teeth. Little bit of teeth. Go on, like a tiger.

And off it. Go on. Next. Next.

How have I never seen you before? How have we never met?

Stop talking so much, slimy.

We'll see. I doubt it, but we'll see.

Now I gotta get back to work and you have to get back to class.

Stop using time as an excuse, Alana. Our roads took us here.

Stop sounding like a philosophy guy, Albert Einstein. Maybe I'll see you later.

I'm not gonna see you later.

Just get your chin up just a little bit like that, darling.

[CHUCKLES] Chin up, chin up.

I met the girl I'm gonna marry one day, Greg.

Oh, yeah?

And you're gonna be my best man.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: So, two down and Garvey the batter.

I'll be at the Tail o' the Cock if you need me.

Love you, Greggo.

Love you, too.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Steve finished the regular season with I 11 RBIs,

-three more than Jimmy Wynn. -[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ANNOUNCER CONTINUES ON TV]

Don't be creepy, please.

Will you stop with the googly eyes?

Excuse me, Don.

Can I have two Cokes?

DON: Sure, Gary, you got it.

Thank you.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Stop.

What?

I can hear you breathing.

Stop.

-Breathing? -Yes.

[DISHES CLATTERING]

So, Alana, what are your plans?

I don't know.

What's your future look like?

I don't know.

How do you like working at Tiny Toes?

I hate working at Tiny Toes.

-You should start your own business. -[ALANA CHUCKLES]

What business should I be in?

I don't know. What do you like?

I don't know.

You're an actress. You should be an actress.

[CHUCKLES]

So how'd you become such a hotshot actor?

-I'm a showman. It's my calling. -Ugh.

I don't know how to do anything else. It's what I'm meant to do.

Since I was a kid, I've been a song-and-dance man.

Come on.

Ever since you were a kid? Song-and-dance man?

Where are your parents?

My mom works for me.

-Oh, of course she does. -Yes, in my public relations company.

In your public relations company?

-Because you have that? -Yes.

-And you're an actor. -Yes.

And you're a secret agent too?

[CHUCKLES] Well, no, I'm not a secret agent. That's funny.

Are you joking?

Well, no, I'm not.

That's a lot.

It gets complicated.

I'm sure. And all that math homework you have to do after everything.

My mom's in Las Vegas right now taking care of the Hacienda Hotel,

which leaves me back here.

We do PR for Tail o' the Cock and Chadney's.

-I like Chadney's. -You like Chadney's?

-[CHUCKLES] Yeah. -Do you like Japanese food?

-I don't really know what that is. -The Mikado?

-I'm taking you to the Mikado next time. -Next time?

-Yeah. -[ALANA CHUCKLES]

The food's magnificent.

You're sweet, Gary.

You're gonna be rich in a mansion by the time you're 16.

[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna be here,

taking photos of kids for their yearbooks when I'm 30.

You're never gonna remember me.

I'm not gonna forget you.

Just like you're not gonna forget me.

If I ask for your phone number, would you give it to me?

Why should I give you my phone number?

So I can call you. [CHUCKLES]

-I don't know, Gary. -Why not?

How are you gonna remember it?

It's only seven numbers.

[SIGHS]

758-4686.

-756-4686. -You already got it wrong.

758-4686.

-All right, Don Rickles. -[CHUCKLES]

Don't call me all the time, okay?

We're not boyfriend and girlfriend. Remember that.

Well, you know.

I know.

[CHUCKLES]

ALANA: Hi, Dad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up?

What?

What's going on?

Nothing.

What time is it now?

10:00.

What'd you do?

I told you what I was gonna do this morning.

-What? -Go to dinner with Lisa.

-Lisa? -Yeah.

Who the fuck is Lisa?

Dad, you know Lisa.

-Lisa? I don't know Lisa. -Yeah, she works with me at Tiny Toes.

-What? -Yes.

[TV PLAYING]

[DOOR SHUTS]

Where were you? Why are you dressed like that?

Were you on a date? Looks like it was a long date.

[SIGHS] Get out of my room, Este.

[DOOR CLOSES]

ANITA: "His name is Jerome H. Frick.

His friends know him simply as Jerry, and his attractive young wife as Mioko.

Their new restaurant Mikado

is a delightful dinery featuring foods of Japan

and it should be quite authentic,

for Jerry had a restaurant some 15 years in Tokyo.

The entire staff, with the exception of Jerry, is Japanese

and those "little doll" waitresses are dressed fittingly in colorful kimonos.

Give it a try. We think you'll be delighted."

Oh, that's wonderful, Anita.

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, of course. It's just wonderful.

-Thank you. -ANITA: Of course.

Uh, do you think we should mention something about the serenity, though?

The, uh… The pleasant quiet?

Yes, and I wish that we had space to include everything,

because it's such a beautiful restaurant, but if we choose one thing…

Right. Okay. Let's just…

[THICK JAPANESE ACCENT] Oh, Mioko, how you think of this?

What you think of item for newspaper?

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Oh! Oh, Yoko-san.

[NORMAL VOICE] I think the cuisine is not mentioned.

She's wondering if we mentioned the cuisine.

Of… Uh…

-The cuisine? -JERRY: Mm-hmm.

I think we did talk about that, didn't we?

-I… I might… I have an earlier draft. -[PAPERS RUSTLING]

[ANITA CLEARS THROAT]

Here it is. "There is a complete roster of Japanese appetizers available

while sipping American or Japanese spirits.

For the daring, sashimi is offered.

But don't worry, there are many American dishes too.

Mikado is for the gourmet and the non-gourmet alike."

[THICK JAPANESE ACCENT] What you think of that?

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[NORMAL VOICE] Much better talking about the cuisine than the waitresses.

-Thank you. -ANITA: Oh, fantastic.

-I will make a note of that. -Sure.

That's what we'll send to the paper.

Thank you so much for coming in to G and G Agency.

Really appreciate it, Anita. Thank you so much.

-Arigato. -ANITA: Of course.

[THICK JAPANESE ACCENT] Oh!

RADIO ANNOUNCER: 7:20 with Charlie.

I'll make that call to the girl selected by the computer…

So…

I'm afraid you're gonna be upset with me.

I can't take you to New York for The Jerry Best Show

I have to go to Las Vegas.

-I'm not upset. -No?

No. Why is that bad?

Well, you can't go to New York without a parent or a guardian.

They're not gonna let you do the press tour without a chaperone.

♪ Our love is alive ♪

♪ And so we begin ♪

♪ Foolishly laying our hearts On the table ♪

The Salisbury steak is delicious. How's the chicken?

Delicious.

♪ Our love is a flame ♪

♪ Burning within ♪

♪ Now and then Firelight will catch us stumblin' in ♪

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me, sir. Could I offer you another beverage?

I beg your pardon?

Can I get you something else to drink?

What's your name?

-Um, it's Brenda. -Brenda.

-Mm-hmm. -GARY: That's a beautiful name.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, I'll take two Cokes, Brenda.

Okay.

Are you one of the actors?

Yes, I am.

♪ So many things that I never knew ♪

♪ Whatever it takes Baby, I'll do it for you ♪

Hola.

¿Cómo está?

-I'm Lance. -ALANA: Hi.

-Me llamo Alana. -Alana.

[CHUCKLING] Bien. Bien.

-Hey, Gar. -GARY: Lance.

How's things back here? Pretty smooth ride, right?

-Mm-hmm. -Never flown this bird before.

♪ Our love is a flame ♪

-What'd you have for lunch? -Salisbury steak.

I had the chicken.

They did have steak back here? Good, good.

All right. Well, hey, very nice to meet you, Alana.

I'll see you on the tarmac.

Charmed.

Wow, super-hot chaperone, Gar. Nice one.

That's my friend. Don't think about that.

Oh, man, are you kidding?

My mind's racing, doing circles around that track.

Hello, boys.

-Hey, Lucy. -Hi, Lucy.

Hey, Mark, how ya doing?

-Good. How are you? -[LAUGHS]

-Hey, Tim. -Hey, Lucy.

Harold.

My name's Henry. You know it.

-How ya doing, Lucy? -Hey, Lance.

And, Valentine, don't. Just don't in here.

What's that? What is that? V? Is that for vagina?

Why are you doing that? Why do people keep doing that?

It's peace and love, baby.

Aw, shut it, you little shit.

Now, cut the comedy and don't be an ass out there.

Good show, everybody.

ACTOR: Thank you, Lucy.

[CHATTERING]

Sweetheart, do not embarrass Mommy, okay? Have fun.

-[CHATTERING] -Break legs. Break legs.

Watch for me on stage. I'll send you a signal.

-I'll make a joke just for you. -Okay.

CREW MEMBER: Straight ahead.

Keep going straight ahead to the stage.

To the right.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

Lucy, I wanna tell you how much we enjoyed your visit tonight.

Before you go, I'd like the audience to meet those wonderful 18 children…

-Wonderful. -…who played the kids in Under One Roof

I think they'd like that.

-Are they back here? -Yes.

And here they are!

[BAND PLAYING LIVELY TUNE]

Rise and shine.

ALL: ♪ We rise and shine every morning Bright and early ♪

♪ Go somewhere else If you want to sleep till noon ♪

♪ Bicycle riding and skating And bowling and dating ♪

♪ The sound of guitars not quite in tune ♪

♪ Sometimes it seems like We're going 'round in circles ♪

♪ And we get hung up On every little thing ♪

♪ Pick up your toys, make your bed Off the telephone ♪

♪ Why do they act just like children? ♪

♪ It's a garden That's full of noisy flowers ♪

♪ And they're all yours ♪

♪ Mine ♪

♪ And ours ♪

♪ Life is a ball If you have the bounce to live it ♪

♪ A lollipop, any flavor, sweet or sour ♪

[WHISPERS] I'm his chaperone.

♪ That's all part of living ♪

♪ For love is to share It's yours, it's mine, it's ours ♪

-I'm his chaperone. -Shh!

♪ Across the ocean ♪

♪ Some days are calm But you know when it gets rough ♪

♪ It's gonna take everybody ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ If we work together, we'll make it ♪

♪ On the way, there'll be sunshine There'll be showers ♪

♪ And they'll be yours ♪

♪ Mine ♪

♪ And everybody, pow, pow, pow, pow! ♪

♪ And they'll be yours ♪

♪ Mine ♪

♪ And ours! ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Lance, how's things in Hollywood for you?

Things are going real well, Jerry.

I just did a guest spot on Banacek with George Peppard for NBC.

-George Peppard. That's great. -Thank you.

How about you, Gary?

Uh, well, last week I did Three Beavers.

Leave It To Beaver?

Three Beavers.

[PEOPLE GASPING]

JERRY: Hi, what's your name?

MARGO: Thank you for asking, Jerry.

-Boo. -MARGO: My name is Margo.

JERRY: Hi, Margo.

[CHATTERING]

-PARENT: There you are, my… -LUCY: You little shit!

-[SQUEALS] -You worthless prick!

You think you're funny, huh? You think you're funny?

Humiliating me in front of millions of people.

These are my fans. You cannot treat me like this.

This is the end for you. I'm coming to get you.

Baby, are you okay?

She didn't seem too happy.

No. Is she like that all the time?

More or less, yeah.

How are you doing?

-Good. -Good.

All right, I should go get out of these pajamas.

-Okay. -I'll see you.

Bye.

-Thank you, William. -Thanks, Vic.

Right down the stairs, young man.

Gary?

-Gary Valentine. Nice to see you. -Vic. Nice to see you.

What've you been up to?

I was in New York on a PR trip for Under One Roof The Jerry Best Show

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, my God, you're huge.

-Oh, hi, Gale. -Wow. [CHUCKLES] Gary.

-GARY: Nice to see you. -You've really grown a lot, huh?

-GARY: Yeah. -Good. You're eating your vegetables…

VIC: And action.

You can wear the new Sears 10-in-1 suit this way.

Or this way.

[FABRIC RUSTLING]

Or try this all-new vest suit look. Or seven other ways.

Perfect, man. You still got it. Thank you, Gary. Really appreciate it.

-Thank you. -Thanks for coming in.

How ya doing?

Good. Divorced, but losing weight, so very nice. Oh.

-Well, you look great. -Thank you.

How about a cold read?

Sure, let's do it.

And action.

"My face is a…" [CLEARS THROAT]

-Sorry. Can I do it one more time? -VIC: Sure.

"My fa…"

"My face is a pimply mess and I don't know what to do."

Cut. Fantabulous! You still got it, man.

-Thanks. -Really terrific.

-GALE: Thanks, Gary. -Good to see you guys.

-GALE: Great to see you. -ASSISTANT: Bye, Gary.

-GALE: Bye, Gary. -Bye, you guys.

[CHATTERING ON RADIO]

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Todd Rundgren's new album.

Now, if you have a pair of headphones,

you better get 'em out and get 'em cranked up,

'cause they're really gonna help.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Something/Anything? written, performed and produced by Todd Rundgren,

now on Bearsville Records, wherever tapes and records are sold.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Mom, do you wanna eat the burgers in the car or at home?

-Do you wanna go home? -Let's go home.

CLARK [ON TV]: What should Mom do? Sleep with the kids,

tell Henrietta no, or make sure they all have their own sleeping bags?

"Make sure they all have their own sleeping bags."

CLARK: …a coed slumber party.

What should Mom do, Mike?

MIKE: No question in my mind. Tell Henrietta no.

Provide separate rooms, uh-uh. Tell Henrietta no. That's…

CLARK: Mike would say, "Henrietta, no. " Sheri?

SHERI: I would love to sleep with the kids,

but I think as long as she's only 13, I agree.

[LAUGHTER, CHATTERING ON TV]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello?

GARY: is Alana there?

Yeah. Who's this?

Lance.

Yeah, hold on one second.

Alana, it's Lance.

LOUIS [ON TV]: I believe that you should provide separate rooms.

I don't think you should call the party off..

Hello?

Lance?

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I can hear someone breathing.

[CHATTERING ON TV CONTINUES]

[PHONE RINGING]

The phone's ringing.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[ALANA BREATHING]

CLARK: Louis says provide separate rooms. Tracy?

TRACY: I'd tell Henrietta no because she's too young.

[LAUGHTER ON TV]

CLARK: Mike and Sheri were the only couple

who agrees with telling Henrietta no.

Not one of you have said… Suggested sleeping with the kids.

[SINGING IN HEBREW]

♪ Amen ♪

Nice.

Lance

are you ready for nice dinner?

Very ready.

-Thank you for having me again. -Good. Wonderful.

Are you ready to do a berakah on the challah?

Oh, wow, thank you.

However, I must respectfully refuse. I'm an atheist.

You're Jewish.

Well, you're certainly right. I was born into Judaism,

but my personal path has led me to atheism.

You see, I just can't believe there's a God

when I see all the suffering in the world.

Vietnam, you know?

So, with all due respect, no, sir. I can't do the blessing, but thank you.

What does your penis look like?

What?

What does your penis look like?

Like a regular penis, I guess.

Is it circumcised?

Yeah.

Then you're a fucking Jew!

Why would you do that? Why would you do that?

He was maybe gonna be my boyfriend.

Listen, young lady, you don't bring this idiot to Shabbat dinner here.

Listen, Dad, he's an atheist and an actor, and he's famous.

-But he's Jewish. -He was gonna take me out of here.

Este, don't you even look at me. You're always looking at me.

-Oh, my God. I didn't say anything. -What are you doing?

What are you doing? What are you thinking?

"I'm Este. I work for Mom and Dad.

I'm perfect. I'm a real estate agent. Alana doesn't have her life together.

Alana brings home stupid boyfriends all the time."

-I mean… -I knew it.

I knew that was what you were thinking.

You're always thinking things, you thinker.

You thinker! You think things!

Gotta stop fighting with everyone all the time.

Oh, fuck off, Danielle.

[SCOFFS]

["AC-CENT-TCHU-ATE THE POSITIVE" PLAYING]

♪ You've got to accentuate the positive ♪

♪ Eliminate the negative ♪

♪ Latch on to the affirmative… ♪

SALESPERSON: Hello, baby. How can I help you?

What is that?

That is a bed made of water, sweetheart.

What's your name?

GARY: Gary.

Gary, won't you come in and take a closer look at it?

It won't bite.

♪ His last remark ♪

♪ Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark ♪

♪ What did they do ♪

♪ Just when everything looked so down? ♪

SALESPERSON: Come on, baby.

♪ Man, they said we better ♪

♪ Accentuate the positive ♪

♪ Eliminate the negative ♪

♪ Latch on to the affirmative ♪

It's nice, isn't it?

Hop on.

♪ Do you hear me? ♪

[WATER BUBBLING]

Groove on that.

♪ You will hear about Eliminatin' of the negative ♪

♪ And an accent on a positive… ♪

GARY: How much does it cost?

OWNER: $69.95. Do you dig it? Do you love it?

Nobody's gonna sleep on mattresses anymore.

That's old hat, Jack. That's for squares.

GARY: Do you sell a lot of these?

No, you're my first customer.

GARY: How long has it been out?

OWNER: Just a couple of days. It's modern edge.

Out-there sleep-and-dream technology.

Liquid luxury for you.

You can impress your lady friend.

♪ To illustrate my last remark… ♪

ANNOUNCER [ON RADIO]: Teen-age Fair, Hollywood Palladium.

Rock with Jericho, Crystal Fire, Nirvana, and others.

Bigger, more fun, the Teen-age Fair.

Friday, April 2nd, 6:00 to midnight, then every day through Easter…

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[CHATTERING]

Come on, boys.

[ANNOUNCER CHATTERING ON PA]

Sonny and Cher, Tim. Sonny and Cher.

Nope. No Sonny.

[CHATTERING CONTINUES]

We're not open yet.

-You're the real Herman Munster? -Can I have your autograph?

No, we're not open. Yes, I'm the real Herman Munster.

But you can't be here right now. You can't go through here.

Go on!

David!

Hey, Gary. I got a really good idea.

Okay.

Um, I have my dad's pipe.

So, we should give your customers some weed to help sell waterbeds.

Yeah, that is actually a good idea. Do you mind grabbing lights from the car?

-Yeah, okay. -Thank you.

Weird-ohs. Let me see…

Taco minibike.

Black light. Photo booth.

Okay. Let's sell some beds.

There's my star. There's my star.

Magical. Magical. Head right here, facing that way.

Lovely. Lovely. Look that way. Look that way.

Arm like this. Arm like this.

Who wants to be famous? Who wants to be famous?

-Hey, Gary. Gary. Hey. -Just guess the amount of…

I know where I can find some LSD. Think that would be better than the weed?

No, no, no. Keep it with the grass, man.

Keep it with the grass. Keep it with the grass.

Have you guys ever been to the ocean?

-Yeah, why? -Sure.

You remember that relaxing feeling of just laying on the water?

-Laying on the water? -Yeah.

Have that every night with a Soggy Bottom waterbed.

Keep the energy up, Kiki.

[CHATTERING ON PA CONTINUES]

Hello, gorgeous.

Hello, handsome.

Come here often?

No, 'cause I'm not a teenager.

I'm selling earrings for my friend Jojo.

Is your bottom soggy? Having trouble sleeping?

Well, now that you mention it…

Boyfriend trouble?

No boyfriend.

So I don't really have trouble.

Well, that's good.

Let me introduce you

to the greatest invention in sleeping since the innerspring.

I've seen these before. These are far out.

Oh, hi, Kiki.

Hey, Alana.

What are you doing here?

ALANA: Seeing this little David Cassidy.

-What are you doing here? -I'm working for him.

ALANA: Is that so?

So, how many dots is it?

KIKI: Who knows? I don't think they even counted.

-Hey! -ALANA: Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

-KIKI: Gary. -ALANA: What's going on?

-KIKI: Gary! -ALANA: Gary! Officers?

-Whoa, what's going… -KIKI: Gary!

-What? Officer… -KIKI: No, Gary! No!

-No! Gary! -ALANA: There must be a mistake.

-KIKI: Gary! -Gary, what did you do?

Officer, what did I do?

Officers, he's innocent. He's a kid.

-He has rights! -Officer, what did I do?

-What are your badge numbers? -What did I do?

I will be reporting you to the chief of police immediately

when I get outside.

Where's he going?

Gary, don't worry. Don't worry. I'm gonna find you, okay?

Don't worry, okay?

[SIREN WAILING]

DISPATCHER [ON RADIO]: 187 suspect is wearing a blue shirt

with long red-brown hair.

Suspect is armed and dangerous.

[GROANS]

Fuck off, teenagers!

DISPATCHER: 187 suspect headed south on Vine, turned left on Selma.

Headed south on Argyle. Made a left into the Palladium.

Suspect is wearing a blue shirt, white pants.

-White male, aged 16, long red-brown hair. -I…

I'm not 16, I'm 15. My birthday is not till next month.

OFFICER: You're going to jail, big boy. You're going to jail for murder.

Have fun in Attica, dickhead.

[GROANING]

[CLICKING]

[CLANKING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, that's him.

That's not him.

Come on.

[HANDCUFF CLANKING]

Come on.

Come on!

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[DOOR OPENS]

What did you do?

Did you murder someone, huh?

What, do you have drugs on you?

What did you do, Gary?

["BUT YOU'RE MINE" PLAYING]

♪ When people say you're not my kind ♪

♪ And that your clothes are out of line ♪

♪ And that your hair Isn't combed all the time ♪

♪ You're not real pretty but you're mine ♪

-[LAUGHING] -KIRK: No, I… No, I threw it out.

Hey, "Soggy Bottom" sounds like someone shit their pants.

[LAUGHS]

I know, I know.

-That's not good. -I know.

That's only funny to you guys. But when someone wants to buy a bed,

they don't wanna think about shitting, or shitty diapers, or shit in pants.

A bed's not just for sleeping, Alana.

Well, if it's not just for sleeping, I think you mean it's for sex.

"Soggy Bottom" isn't making anyone hot or horny.

-It doesn't make you hot? -No.

MITCH: "Everybody's talking about waterbeds these days, right?

And it's with good reason,

because the waterbed is the greatest thing to happen to sleep

since the invention of the innerspring."

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

"If you've been thinking about getting a waterbed,

now you can have one delivered to your very door.

All you gotta do is call

the world's largest manufacturer of waterbeds: Pacific Waterbeds.

They present Fat Bernie's king-size waterbeds."

I love the name. Yeah.

"A six-foot-by-seven-foot waterbed, you got a $100 value for only $39.95.

It's $39.95 for your very own king-size Fat Bernie waterbed if you act now.

Call 451-3631 and have a Fat Bernie waterbed

delivered COD right to your very door,

with a ten-day, money-back guarantee if you're not satisfied.

Your loved one will love you for it."

Well, whomever he or she may be, or maybe you have two or three,

or maybe you wanna tell somebody that you love them,

you're not exactly sure how you're gonna do it,

you can tell them with a king-size Fat Bernie waterbed.

You'll even love yourself for it.

Maybe all you wanna do is just ensconce yourself

in your own king-size waterbed with nobody around to bother you.

That is some real narcissism, okay?

It's KPPC Pasadena. We've got The Doors coming up next.

[CHUCKLES]

["PEACE FROG" PLAYING]

CREW MEMBER: You're right. You're always right.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[PHONES RINGING]

Fat Bernie's. How may I help you?

-Oh, great. -Shit. Shit.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Pacific Waterbeds presents Fat Bernie's waterbeds.

How may I help you?

♪ In the street, the town of Chicago ♪

-Hiya, Gene. -Hi.

-What do you got today? -Hi, Gene.

-Hello. -Just some boxes.

♪ Just about the break of day ♪

♪ She came in and she drove away ♪

♪ Sunlight in her hair ♪

♪ Blood in the streets Runs a river of sadness ♪

♪ Blood in the streets It's up to my thighs ♪

♪ The river runs down The leg of the city ♪

♪ The women are crying Red rivers of weeping ♪

♪ She came in town And then she drove away ♪

♪ Sunlight in her hair ♪

[CLANKING]

Assholes!

Take it.

-I got 400. -GARY: 400.

-150. -I have 400.

And then you have… [CHATTERING]

TIM: Wait, I think there might have been 19 there.

[LAUGHING] Not that good of a start.

-MARK: No, we had 21. -GARY: No, we only had 19.

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

"Fat Bernie's…"

It's small on the bottom.

Too many "Fat Bernie's."

Yeah, but it can be small. That's fine.

And then…

Let's try…

[CHATTERING ON TV]

Are you left-handed?

Yeah. You didn't know that?

No. I've never met anyone left-handed before.

Really?

♪ Blood on the rise, it's followin' me ♪

-Gary! [CHUCKLES] There he is. -GARY: Jerry. Good to see you.

-How you doing? -Good to see you, my friend.

-All right. -Hi, Mioko.

No, no, no. Mioko is gone. This is my new wife, Kimiko. [CHUCKLES]

-Hi, Kimiko. -Pretty as a picture.

Who's this pretty thing?

This is my lady friend, Alana.

-How do you do, Alana? -Business partner.

-A pleasure. -Nice to meet you.

Jerry, I wanted to talk to you about this.

Hold up, hold up. Let's do it right.

Let's sit down and have something to drink first, okay?

-Sounds great. -After you.

-Thank you, Jerry. -[LAUGHS]

JERRY: Oh, Gary, I love you, and I wanna do anything for you.

But I just don't really think these fit in my restaurant.

We're Japanese, and this waterbed business is strictly American.

[THICK JAPANESE ACCENT] Uh, Kimiko, what you think of this waterbed?

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

JERRY: Mm-hmm.

What did she just say?

[NORMAL VOICE] It's hard to tell. I don't speak Japanese.

Gary, I wanna help,

but can I help without putting these out inside everywhere?

Oh, hey, Alana.

Hey, Frisbee.

You work here?

Unfortunately. What are you doing?

Helping my friend with his waterbed business.

-Gary? -Yeah. You know him?

Yeah, I love that kid.

-You love him? -Uh-huh.

How do you know him?

He's in here all the time. He's a friend of Jerry's.

Yeah.

He's cute for a little hustler.

He's also really smart and a good businessman.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, do you still work at Tiny Toes?

No. No, I'm partners with Gary now.

Oh. The "Hand Man."

Did he try and get a hand job from you?

Yeah, he's asking all the time.

Good. I'll pass the baton off to you.

Okay, I'll see you later, Frisbee.

Okay. Say hi to your sisters for me.

[SIGHS]

ALANA: I could describe the sensation

as a soft, spongy, slow-motion trampoline without the great bounce.

Sexier. Sexier. Make it sexier.

TED [ON PHONE]: There's no… I can't… There's no floor model for me to try?

No, but you can get the bed

and if you don't like it, we can do a money-back guarantee.

Alana, you have to be sexier or he's not gonna buy it.

-I'll give you a call back. -Don't let him get off the phone.

What's your name?

Uh, Ted.

-Ted. -Yeah.

Ah, Ted, I love that name.

Okay.

-My name's Alana. -Hi, Alana.

Can I come and install the bed for you?

What?

I'd lay it down and show you how it works.

It moves in a similar way to the ocean,

wet inside.

And it takes some getting used to, but once you're in there, ah, Ted,

I don't think you're gonna be asking any questions.

Sounds like you just sold a waterbed, Alana.

Tell me, what time can you be over with that bed?

Oh, well. Eager. [CHUCKLES]

I have to wait until my work is done.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

I have a mean, old boss that makes me work all day.

Why don't you tell Fat Bernie you have work to do and get out of there?

Oh. Fat Bernie is so mean, Ted.

Sounds like it.

He keeps me locked up inside.

But you know what, Ted?

What's that?

I know you're gonna love our wet beds.

-You know what they come with? -What's that?

A wood headboard.

And that wood is strong and sticks straight up against the wall.

That sounds great.

We don't have wood headboards.

I'm gonna hand you off to my associate Kirk

and he's gonna take down all your information

and I'm gonna be at your place later, Ted.

Thank you for calling Fat Bernie's. Have a nice day.

What are you doing? We don't have beds.

Well, we better get some, because water in a plastic bag is a water balloon.

With a frame, it's a bed. Let's go to Northridge Lumber…

I wrote good dialogue. You're improvising too much.

You told me to make it more sexy.

I told you to make it more sexy.

I didn't tell you, "Go over to the guy's house and get in his bed."

I told you I'm a good actress, Gary. I told you.

Don't tell me to make it more sexy, man.

If you want it more sexy, I'll make it fucking horny.

♪ Oh, woman, I can feel your warm face ♪

So, just say yes. To whatever she asks you, just say yes.

Let's say, if she asks you if you can sing, say yes.

If she asks if you can dance, say yes.

I can sing, and I can dance.

No, I know. I know. I know.

I'm just saying that if she asks you if you can do something

that you might not know how to do, just say yes.

Because you can always learn how to do something

once you get the part.

So just say yes to whatever she asks.

Whatever she asks, just say yes.

-Just say yes. -Okay, I got it.

Okay. Hi, Janice.

JANICE: Hi, Gary.

-GARY: Mary. -Oh, darling.

So, Gary tells me that you've been studying

at Everywoman's Village with Milton Farmer.

ALANA: Yes.

I love his work with young actors. He is a miracle worker.

[ALANA CHUCKLES]

You have a warm smile,

which is very powerful.

And you have a very Jewish nose

[LAUGHS] which is becoming very fashionable.

I am getting a lot more requests for Jewish girls.

ALANA: Really? That's great.

[PHONE RINGS]

No.

No.

[LAUGHING] No.

Love to Tatum.

Are you athletic?

You seem to have a very firm body.

Yes.

Do you know how to horseback-ride?

Yes.

Uh, do you know how to do fencing?

Yes, I can fence.

-Basketball? -ALANA: Yes.

-Baseball? -ALANA: Yes.

-Soccer? -ALANA: Yes.

Any other sports or special skills that I should know about?

I studied Krav Maga.

[SCRIBBLING]

Well, I don't know what that is. What is Quick Draw McGraw?

ALANA: It's martial arts from Israel. It's used in combat.

My dad was in the Israeli army. We all know it. [CHUCKLES]

So it's a form of karate, let's say.

It's more like, "How to use a pen to stab someone's eye out."

You're a goddamn fucking fighter, aren't you?

I like that.

I can see that.

You come here trying to be all pretty for me,

but really, you remind me…

Of a dog.

Of an English pit bull dog

with sex appeal and…

A very Jewish nose. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

Uh, do you know any other languages, besides English?

Hebrew.

Besides Hebrew.

ALANA: Oh, I'm so sorry. Um, Spanish.

MARY: Oh.

-French. -MARY: Oh.

Latin.

And Portuguese.

Bueno…

Fantástico. [LAUGHS]

[SCRIBBLING]

Would you be willing to work topless?

Yes.

No.

You will lose out on work if you're not willing to do nudity.

So you'd be naked in a movie, but you wouldn't make out with me?

You'd show the whole world your boobs, but I'm not allowed to see?

You told me to say yes to everything.

I told you to say no to that.

-Well, I didn't know what to say. -Say no!

I would get naked in a movie if it gave me the part.

Actresses get naked in movies all the time.

What's wrong with that, Gary?

Because there's too much nudity in pictures right now.

-Oh, come on. -And you're my friend. We're friends.

And you'd do it in a movie, you'd show your boobs in a movie,

but you wouldn't show them to me!

Why won't you ask someone your age to see their boobs?

Because I'm asking you!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Do you really wanna see my boobs?

Yes.

-Where's Greg? -He's in his room.

Can I touch them?

No.

If you ever say anything to anyone, I'm never speaking to you ever again.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Do you think it's weird I hang out with Gary and his friends all the time?

No.

I think it's weird.

It is whatever you think it is.

I think it's weird that I hang out with Gary

and his 15-year-old friends all the time.

["LISA, LISTEN TO ME" PLAYING]

Are you happy?

Yes, I'm happy. Are you happy?

If you're happy, I'm happy.

Of course I'm happy! You look so great.

Really?

Like "Land Ho," as it says on the sign.

-You can just float away on it. -Riverboat.

Great for your back and your neck.

And Arabian vinyl is the best kind of vinyl.

Nothing will puncture it. We've tested it under, like, the worst conditions.

This is our "Big Bernie." It's the "Serious Sleeper."

That right?

"It's the classic design copied by all the others."

Guys, calm down. Don't wrestle on the bed, okay?

I know she likes the bean bag, but you need the Big Bernie.

♪ You've been silent for too long ♪

♪ Once another man Took her on a younger day ♪

Sue Pomerantz.

SUE: Gary Valentine.

[LAUGHS]

This is our "Arabian Night," our highest-end model,

and also made from 100% Arabian vinyl.

This is Fat Bernie's personal king-size mattress.

He has the heater, the headboard, the side ashtrays, and the lamp fixtures.

Hmm. And what happens if Fat Bernie falls

asleep while he's smoking in his waterbed?

That is a great question.

Actually, the water is too cold to allow the cigarette to burn through.

-Oh, that's smart. -Uh-huh.

So, it's cold?

Well, in the summer, it is, and in the winter, it isn't.

Let me take you over here, "Land Ho, the Riverboat,"

made with, also, Arabian vinyl…

[ALL CHATTERING]

Fat Bernie's waterbeds and bean bag chairs.

Hi, welcome to Fat Bernie's.

Hi.

Welcome to Fat Bernie's.

Hi. And who is this, Gary?

-Gary. -SUE: Hi.

I'm the manager here. I'm Alana.

GARY: Alana, Sue. Sue, Alana.

SUE: Hello, it's nice to meet you.

Hey, Gary, can I steal you for a second?

I just wanna see how you want these orders written out.

GARY: I'll be right there.

Well, I really need to know soon,

because I really want the paperwork to be correct.

We don't wanna get it wrong on the first day, do we?

I'll be right there.

Is everything okay?

Yes, of course.

Is that your girlfriend?

No, that is not my girlfriend.

Does it seem like she's my girlfriend?

Kind of. [SCOFFS]

No. I mean, no. She works for me. She used to be my babysitter.

Oof!

I'm so high. Kirk got me stoned.

[LIQUID POURING]

Okay.

I'm very happy, Gary.

Mm-hmm.

Congratulations.

-We did this together, didn't we? -Uh-huh.

-We did it. -We did it.

Are you happy?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[KISSING]

Hey, come back, toots.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Sunday Night Movie presents

some of the most outstanding feature films in motion picture history.

Excuse me. What the fuck?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MOTI: Alana.

JACK: You know, Rainbow, you're a complete mystery to me.

I don't know a word about you.

I don't know who your friends are, if you've got parents.

MOTI: Alana!

If you're in some kind of trouble,

you can tell me, you know.

ALANA: There's no mystery here, Frankie.

I come from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

I know, I've heard all the jokes.

[CHUCKLES] I didn't say a word.

It gets better.

You have to pass through Faithful to get there.

That must be quite some cross to bear.

[CHUCKLES]

My parents are dead.

They were killed in an automobile accident five years ago.

They were nice people.

Nothing really happens in Intercourse, you know.

So, as soon as I graduated high school,

I grabbed my bag and my guitar and I came to California.

And cut-a-rooski.

That was wonderful.

Thank you, Alana.

This says you know how to ride a horse.

Yes.

SAM: And you speak Portuguese.

Mm-hmm.

Rainbow loves horses and archery. That's a subplot we've been developing.

We would wanna make sure that actresses under consideration

are capable of doing these things.

Yes, I can do both.

Thank you, Alana. Thank you for coming.

I feel like I've been with Rainbow for ten minutes.

Don't you, Jack?

Absolutely.

ALANA: Thank you, Mr. Holden.

You know,

you remind me of Grace.

Kelly?

[ENGINE REVVING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[HAND BRAKE CLANKS]

WAITER: Mr. Holden, another martini, sir?

Yes, please. Another?

Sure.

Make it three.

I've never had a martini before.

They're good.

[PIANO PLAYING]

The jungle.

That's where I'm most myself.

Not this jungle.

Africa.

Oh. Yes, Africa.

I saw two of my best black friends beheaded in the Congo.

I'll tell you intimacies I've shared with no one.

But don't ask me about Kuala Lumpur.

Is this lines or is this real?

You're such a delicate creature.

You are Rainbow.

-I'm Jewish. -[LAUGHS]

What's funny?

-[COUGHING] -It's true.

Is that Rex damn Blau?

Who said Blau?

JACK: Right over here. Blau!

Jack!

Wait till you meet this character.

[CHUCKLES]

Jack goddamn Holden. Bang!

You son of a bitch from hell, get over here.

You shiny, golden, tall, inexpensive prick.

JACK: [LAUGHS] My goodness.

-It's so good to see you. -There is God's…

[CHATTERING]

-GARY: Think of any six numbers. -Okay.

-I can guess them. -Okay.

You're thinking six, three, four, five.

[LAUGHING]

-Henri! -Always happy to see you.

-Good to see you as well. -Are you staying?

I'm great, yes. Of course.

Hey, we can always do takeout tonight.

[CHATTERING]

Interesting development to the plot, Henri.

Well, let's not have any trouble, please.

No trouble. This is Tail o' the Cock. This is my place. Yes, I'm staying.

It's a table for four, please. Table 38?

Tonight you might want a different table.

-What do you think? -Table 38, Henri.

With direct sight lines.

Direct sight lines, huh? Okay.

[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]

[LAUGHING]

Have you ever seen him on a bike?

-JACK: I see it spin. -Good…

I know you know I knew, and know I do.

REX: I'm patient. I'm a patient man.

[CHUCKLES] The hell you are.

HENRI: Someone will be right over.

-Thank you, Henri. -Thank you.

JACK: Watch, you gotta watch him.

-REX: Oh, yeah. -JACK: No.

Whatever it isn't.

Jack, you know what I got out there in the parking lot right now?

[JACK LAUGHS]

I… Mmm!

650cc.

No, no. You mischievous man.

A wonderful Desert Sled. It's out there for you, Jack.

It's built for you.

-I'm seeing it spin now. -JACK: It's spinning.

I know it's spinning, and it's gotta spin back.

REX: Come on, you know you want it. You know you need it.

-Gary, Gary, I see Alana over there. -Shh.

Kirk, assassin's focus. Gritted teeth and fixed bayonets.

-[JACK AND REX GRUNTING] -[CLATTERING]

-REX: Armand! -Okay.

-What are you guys talking about? -Bastard.

What are we doing?

ARMAND: Yes, Mr. Rex?

Armand, I need three wingback chairs from the bar.

I need a bottle of Everclear. I need plenty of grease from the kitchen.

And I want you to meet me on the eighth hole

by the sand trap, dos minutos. Pronto.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

We're burning daylight!

[LAUGHS]

I gotta do some prep. I'll see you kids later.

[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]

[KIRK SLURPING]

Did you see No Time For Honor?

-SHARON: With Jack Holden? -Yeah.

GARY: Do you guys wanna order martinis?

I can get us martinis. I'll get us four martinis right now.

The bridges span a narrow gap between two targets.

They're the most important targets in all of Korea.

Consequently, they're fortified accordingly.

Although we're only over the targets 30 seconds, it's a lifetime.

We're going to Korea?

I don't understand. But I'm sexy, right?

Every gun imaginable is hidden in those mountainsides.

-And the men behind the guns… -Uh-huh.

…they know where we're coming from and where we're headed.

We're gonna fly right between them.

We're gonna fly low and straight

with no element of surprise.

And they're just sitting there,

waiting for us, hoping we'll come.

Those are the Bridges of Toko-San, Nancy.

REX: Ladies and gentlemen, good people of the Cock,

put that dinner down.

-That salad can wait. -[PIANO STOPS]

Let that steak get cold.

'Cause tonight, we have a man who needs no introduction, really.

His name is Mr. Jack Holden.

-[DINERS EXCLAIM] -[SHORT PIANO RIFF PLAYS]

REX: That's right. And if you've seen his pictures,

then you know that every goddamn one of them

has got Jack riding a motorcycle,

as if it's the only way to travel.

[LAUGHTER]

Whether he's in the jungle or he's in Manila

or he's in Paris or if he's in Rio de Janeiro.

They don't have taxis in the desert.

-[LAUGHTER] -REX: Thank you, Jack.

And for those of you who perhaps may have seen

a little film called The Bridges of Toko-San

-[CROWD EXCLAIMS] -Yeah.

Kirk.

Jack and the beautiful Grace Kelly.

Well, tonight you're lucky, 'cause tonight,

we bring Toko-San right here to Encino.

[ALL CHEERING, WHOOPING]

That's right. That's right. Thank you. Thank you.

On your feet now. Follow me to the eighth hole.

Here we go.

Would you mind to play Grace?

Jack, I don't know how to ride a motorcycle.

You just have to hold on tight.

Let's ride.

That's my Rainbow. Rainbow rides.

-Fire up those lights. Now! -[ENGINES RUMBLING]

Hold on, people. Single file.

Single file. There we go.

Okay. Right along the ridge. Right along the ridge.

Thank you, good people. Ándale!

Okay, Armand, will you handle that crowd for me?

Okay.

All right, people. I need some more flame.

-[ARMAND SPEAKING SPANISH] -More flame.

God.

It's a great night for a jump.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

All right.

Can I have some quiet on the set?

[CHATTERING STOPS]

Roll sound.

Roll camera A. Roll camera B.

Okay. Mark it.

Action, Jack.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Do you even remember what my real name is?

CROWD: Oh!

[PANTING]

Keep your gas. Attaboy. Attaboy.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Looks like he's coming in hot.

I'm coming, Nancy!

REX: Yeah!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD EXCLAIMS]

[PANTING]

[GROANS] I fucked up Danielle's guitar.

Are you okay?

I fucked up Danielle's guitar.

-[CROWD MURMURING] -Oh, man.

I'm all right!

[ALL CHEERING]

[CROWD CHANTING] Toko-San! Toko-San! Toko-San!

[ALL CHEERING]

This man needs a drink!

-To the Cock! -To the Cock!

[CROWD CHANTING] Toko-San! Toko-San!

["LET ME ROLL IT" PLAYING]

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[FIREFIGHTERS SHOUTING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

♪ You gave me something ♪

♪ I understand ♪

♪ You gave me loving ♪

♪ In the palm of my hand ♪

♪ I can't tell you how I feel ♪

♪ My heart is like a wheel ♪

♪ Let me roll it ♪

♪ Let me roll it to you ♪

♪ Let me roll it ♪

♪ Let me roll it to you ♪

♪ I wanna tell you ♪

♪ And now's the time ♪

♪ I wanna tell you That you're gonna be mine ♪

♪ I can't tell you how I feel ♪

♪ My heart is like a wheel ♪

♪ Let me roll it ♪

♪ Let me roll it to you ♪

♪ Let me roll it ♪

♪ Let me roll it to you ♪

[CHATTERING ON TV]

REPORTER [ON TV]: They will reduce oil production by 5% a month

until the Israelis withdraw from occupied territories.

If the Arab countries keep that pledge,

it would reduce their production by almost 50% in one year.

According to some of our leaders,

as the Arab oil embargo continues,

the situation will become increasingly worse,

and we may be forced into a gas rationing program.

RICHARD NIXON: The immediate shortage will affect the lives

of each and every one of us.

In our factories, our cars, our homes, our offices,

we will have to use less fuel than we are accustomed to using.

-The fuel prices need not mean… -Did you know there was an oil embargo?

Wait, what?

Do you understand any of this?

REPORTER: Major tie-ups like these are becoming more frequent in Los Angeles.

-Will your gas supplies… -ALANA: Huh?

…hold out very long?

The beds are made from vinyl, Gary.

Vinyl is made from oil.

-It is? -Fucking duh.

What did you think it was made out of? Gold?

I don't know. I thought it was, um…

-What? Magic? -I thought it was…

Like a scientific fabric. I thought it was like a rubber.

Which is also made out of oil, dipshit.

PERSON: I tried to pump gas on the way home last night

and had a little success.

What little money I had on me, I got a couple of dollars' worth,

but I'm afraid for the weekend.

["LIFE ON MARS?" PLAYING]

♪ It's on America's tortured brow ♪

♪ Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow ♪

♪ Now the workers have struck for fame ♪

♪ 'Cause Lennon's on sale again ♪

♪ See the mice in their million hordes ♪

-It's the end of the world, Greggo. -[HORNS HONKING]

♪ Rule Britannia is out of bounds ♪

♪ To my mother, my dog, and clowns ♪

♪ But the film is a saddening bore ♪

♪ 'Cause I wrote it ten times or more ♪

♪ It's about to be writ again ♪

♪ As task you to focus on ♪

♪ Sailors fighting in the dance hall ♪

♪ Oh, man, look at those cavemen go ♪

♪ It's the freakiest show ♪

♪ Take a look at the lawman Beating up the wrong guy ♪

♪ Oh, man, wonder if he'll ever know ♪

♪ He's in the best-selling show ♪

♪ Is there life on Mars? ♪

[ENGINE DIES]

[ENGINE CRANKING]

-JON: Hey, fellas. -GARY: Hello.

JON: Which one is in charge? Are you in charge?

Yeah, I'm in charge.

May I just speak with you for a second?

-Yeah, sure. -Thanks.

-You can tell your crew to stop. -Stop for a sec, guys.

Um…

So, this is what I wanna say to you. Um…

-Do you know who I am? -Yeah.

Do you know who my girlfriend is?

Barbra "Streizand."

[SIGHS] Barbra Streisand.

-"Sand." -"Sand." Yeah, like "sands."

-Like the ocean, like beaches. -Barbra "Seisand."

[SIGHS] No. It's "Streisand."

"Sand."

-Streisand. -Streisand.

Barbra Streisand.

Barbra "Streizand."

JON: Are you fucking with me? All right, let's get past that.

Hopefully, you never fucking meet her. She'll fucking…

You think I'm bad. We're going to the movies right now

and I'm on my way to pick her up, so I'm gonna leave you here,

but I wouldn't normally leave somebody in my house when I'm not there,

but I have to, because you guys are so late.

I'm sorry. There was no gas.

That's an excuse I'm gonna shove up your fucking penis hole, man.

-[SIGHS] What's your name? -Gary.

Gary. Gary. How big is your penis hole?

It's regular-sized.

Hmm. How would you know?

Imagine what that would feel like, if I shoved that excuse up there.

-That would hurt a lot, right? -Yeah.

JON: But that's what I'd like to do.

I'm sorry. I don't wanna make you any more late than you are.

You can leave.

Look at you, you cocky motherfucker.

I like it.

We speak the same language. We're both from the streets.

Yeah.

I didn't see it before. That's… Wow.

Wow, you get right in there and you do it.

Wow. You have a little, um…

You have a tincture in your left eye. It means you're deficient in vitamin K.

I'm like a fucking doctor.

You need to take more vitamin D and cod liver oil.

You see that Daytona Ferrari?

-GARY: Yeah. -Yeah, that's mine.

Gary, that's filled with gas. That's gonna get me to the movies on time.

'Cause I'm not a shithead, idiot fuck-up. I'm Jon Peters.

My only problem in life is that I love tail too much.

I love it. I love it so much.

I love it so much. Is that your sister?

No.

-It's your girlfriend? -No.

I love it so much, it's gonna kill me one day.

-You know how much tail I get? -GARY: No.

JON: All of it.

It's all mine.

-You like Barbra Streisand? -GARY: Yeah.

-JON: You do? -GARY: Mm-hmm.

JON: Do you?

Yeah.

I do, too. Gets boring, but, you know.

Yeah.

I'm gonna kill you and your family if you fuck up my house.

-Okay? Do you have a cat? -GARY: No.

-You got a dog? -GARY: No.

-You have a brother and sister… -GARY: Brother.

Yeah. Your brother? I'm gonna choke your brother out in front of you, okay?

Steve's gonna look after you while I'm gone.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Gary. I want you to be horrified.

-GARY: Okay. -Your life's on the line.

But you know from that, right? It's the way of the streets.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[HONKING]

Ms. Streisand? Hi, it's Steve. Mm-hmm.

Yes, he just left.

I also thought you might wanna know that he ordered a waterbed this evening.

Right now. Mm-hmm.

Four small children and a girl or a young woman.

To be honest, I don't know what she is.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.

Yes. Uh-huh. Sure will. Thanks, Ms. Streisand. Uh-huh. Bye.

Okay.

[WATER GURGLING]

I used to work with Julie Andrews.

-Hmm. -Hmm.

She was difficult.

Mm-hmm.

[WATER GURGLING]

He said he was gonna kill Greg.

[WATER SPLASHING]

We're done. Let's go.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

Boo!

[LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

-"I'm gonna choke your brother." -Uh-huh.

I kept it inside, but what I wanted to say was,

"No, I'm gonna choke you."

-Oh, yeah? -I would've said it.

I was trying to stay cool, though. I was trying to stay…

[TIRES SCREECH]

Scooch over.

Oh! Back it up. Oh, fuck.

Oh! Oh!

We're going back up the hill, okay?

Okay.

Oh! How'd it turn out?

It was good. It went well.

You didn't fuck up my house, did you?

No.

You okay? Can you see okay?

-Yeah. -Well, why don't you just…

Why don't you just back in the driveway, and then you can go straight.

Steve. Steve.

You blew it, man. You blew it.

Did she call?

STEVE: No.

Goddamn it, Steve.

Where the fuck is the…

There's no gas-o in the goddamn car-o, Steve-o.

Motherfucker.

How long you guys been together?

-Me and her? -Yeah.

-We're not together. -We're not together.

Why not?

I don't know.

I'm 28.

-What's that? -I'm 25.

You're 25? When's your birthday?

-December. -December.

Are you a Capricorn? Sagittarius?

-Sagittarius. -Sagittarius.

December what, 13th?

-Fifteenth. -Fifteenth.

I was only two off. [LAUGHS]

What do you wanna do if you're not gonna do hair?

Do you have sisters or brothers or anything?

Sisters.

Are they older or younger?

Older.

So you're the youngest?

How about your dad? Do you have a good relationship with your dad?

-Yeah. -What's he do?

-Real estate. -Oh, yeah?

Did he teach you how to drive?

You're really good at it.

-Thanks. -Yeah.

It's not easy. Gary can't do it.

All right. Just slow it down now, okay? There she is.

Okay, do you have enough room? Yeah?

ALANA: Mm-hmm.

-You sure? -I think so.

I parked on the side so no one would hit it.

Here. I don't want you to have to bear the burden in case we hit it.

Why don't I take the wheel

and then you just put your foot on the clutch and just feather the brake.

That's it. We'll do it together, okay?

Yeah, we'll do it together, okay?

Here we go. Oh, yeah. Smooth. Smooth, yeah. Just breathe.

We got it. Yeah, we got it. I think we got it.

Look. Look, look. Over there. You see? We got it.

We did it. That's so good, Alana.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

-ALANA: Yeah. No. -JON: We didn't hit it at all.

-ALANA: I… -Oh, you smell so good.

Whoo!

Oh, Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary.

Get some gas and I'll be on my way.

[RUMBLING]

Oh, shit. Look at this line, man.

[HORNS HONKING]

Fucking sardines packed in. Okay. Go, just make a left here.

I'm not waiting in this motherfucker.

All right, let that car just go past. There you go.

Okay, now stop it. They'll move out of the way.

Yeah, yeah, okay. Okay, stop the car.

[TIRES SCREECH]

God. Fuck. Son of a bitch. Fucking shit!

What you got, motherfucker?

Fucking Chumash territory!

Goddamn sons of bitches don't even know where they are.

Yeah, motherfucker, that's right.

It's my nozzle now.

Go. Let's go. Let's go.

-Just reverse it. -Now?

Reverse, reverse, reverse.

-It's your move! -Okay. Relax.

It's my nozzle.

[GARY CHUCKLES] Want some gas, Jon? I got your gas.

I got your gas right here, Jon.

Jon Peters' Ferrari.

[ENGINE IDLING]

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[ENGINE STOPS]

[GLASS SMASHING]

No. Oh, no.

[ENGINE CRANKING]

Where are we?

I don't know.

No, no, no, we ran out of gas. You have to push the truck.

Why the fuck are you staring at me? Push the truck. What are you doing?

[GRUNTING]

Get in.

[BRAKES SQUEAKING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TRUCK RUMBLING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hold on.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

[PANTING]

[CREAKING]

If we get lucky and make the light at Ventura,

I can make a right and get us to the 76 station.

If you make the left, the Mobil station's closer.

I'm gonna blow this stop light.

I trust you.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GARY LAUGHING] Oh!

Oh, my! Alana!

Hard-core! Hard-core, Alana!

Fellas, you okay back there? You okay?

Oh, my. We did it! You did… Alana, you did it.

I did… We did it!

-[CLANGING] -Oh!

[LAUGHING] How did we survive?

[KIDS CHATTERING, CHEERING]

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHATTERING]

Ah!

What the… [LAUGHING]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

JON: It's a goddamn news stand in the middle of the fucking…

[GRUNTS]

Fucking middle of the goddamn motherfucking street…

Yeah, that's right.

WOMAN: Did you hear that whole thing that went down

with that other instructor at the courts the other day?

-JON: Hey. -Hi.

JON: Do you like peanut butter sandwiches?

-Peanut butter? Not really. -JON: No?

WOMAN: Creamy or nutty?

-JON: However you like it. -WOMAN: I like it a bit nutty.

JON: Who's got the better backhand?

-[WOMAN LAUGHING] -You do. You got the backhand.

No, you have the serve. You have a bigger serve.

-You got a good ground game? Yeah. -WOMAN: Yeah, I got a ground game.

[PHONE DIALING]

[SIGHS]

[LINE RINGING]

-BRIAN [ON PHONE]: Hello? -Brian?

Yes?

Hi, it's Alana Kane.

Alana.

[CHUCKLES] Wow. Hi. How are you?

ALANA: I'm good. How are you?

I'm doing fine.

What are you doing?

Not much.

I was calling to see if you still work for Joel Wachs?

Yes, I sure do.

Well, do you need volunteers?

We always do.

Do you mean you?

Yes.

Alana, please come and work with us. We need you.

I've seen how you do your homework.

Oh, my God, you remember that?

[LAUGHS] Yes, of course. How could I forget?

We need you.

["SLIP AWAY" PLAYING]

♪ What would I give For just a few moments ♪

♪ What would I give Just to have you near ♪

BRIAN: Alana.

-Hi. -How are you?

Good. How are you?

I'm good. It's good to see you. Let me introduce you to everybody…

[CHATTERING]

♪ Oh, I need you, darling ♪

♪ I want to see you right now ♪

♪ Can you slip away Slip away, slip away? ♪

Joel, you're the youngest councilman in the city.

-You're also its only bachelor. -JOEL: Yes.

How do you find time for a social life?

Being single means I have more time to work,

and a councilman's schedule pretty much ruins a social life anyway, so…

What do your dates say about that?

They're not saying anything. I'm not going on any dates, so…

As you can imagine, it's probably pretty difficult

for somebody to be a part of all the social events

that I'm a part of, keep up with my busy schedule.

But I imagine someday soon, somebody's gonna come along

who'll wanna share that with me, so…

Certainly you have some prospects?

I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Boy, have I got the girl for you."

And I've met some pretty magnificent women through my district residents.

But I'll tell you what I tell them, and that's:

"I'm sorry, but my time is spoken for."

-Well, good luck. -JOEL: Thank you.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Let's get one photo for the paper, Councilman "Wauchs."

-It's "Wachs." -Wachs. Wachs.

If you don't mind, let's have you… Yeah.

Let's have you stand with your mother over here.

Have a nice little picture of you guys, and…

♪ Somewhere where we're both an unknown ♪

♪ And just can you slip away Slip away, slip away? ♪

Meet a friend of mine. This is Alana Kane.

-She's a volunteer. -Hey. Volunteer, wow.

-It's an honor to meet you. -What a pleasure.

No, I'm honored to meet you. Thank you for coming on board.

-I have integrity. -[CHUCKLES] Me too.

-I know. -Honest.

-Mm-hmm. I'm that too. -Okay. [CHUCKLES]

This is public land which the state bought for $34,000

when everyone knew it was worth millions.

Sam Yorty and his cronies would gladly destroy

this beautiful 225,000-square-acre mountain chain

for favors, payoffs, and ugly houses that only their friends can afford.

But it needn't be that way, you see.

I understand it's crazy,

and everybody's talking about a revolution,

but it doesn't have to be that.

All that we need are people in positions of power

to remember to be who they were when they were voted in.

And cut. That was great.

-I think that was the one. -That felt good.

-Yeah, that was terrific, Joel. -It did.

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

-You ready? We good? -[CAMERA WHIRRING]

-Yeah. -Okay.

What would you say to the people that think

you're too young and don't have enough experience?

I would say, "Thank you very much for the compliment."

GARY: Sorry, just… Can you say that again? We didn't get that.

-Really? -GARY: Yeah. Yeah.

ALANA: Sorry, Councilman. [CLEARS THROAT]

Everybody rolling? Good?

One more time.

So, Councilman, what would you say to the people that say

you're too young and don't have enough experience?

I would say, "Thank you very much for the compliment."

The way I look at it…

I'm sorry. Are you rolling? Are you rolling?

I think we rolled out.

[CAMERA STOPS]

-We're gonna need to take five. I'm sorry. -It's okay. It's okay.

STAFFER: So, Joel, don't forget. Tomorrow, you've got that

-Toluca Lake neighborhood council thing. -JOEL: Yeah.

STAFFER: They'd love you there at 10:00.

JOEL: What's been going on with the pinball? Art's calling me.

-STAFFER: You hear about Judge Sachs? -JOEL: I did.

STAFFER: It's over. He lost five games to nothing, so that's done.

JOEL: That's it?

STAFFER: Pinball will be legal again in LA for the first time since…

-JOEL: Wow. -STAFFER: It's been illegal since 1939.

-Can you believe it? -I can believe it.

It's an outmoded discriminatory law in the first place,

so of course it took this long.

If I'm gonna call Art, I need to know 100% that this thing is passing.

It's passing. It's done. I talked to all my people at the court.

It's over. It's… Decision comes out tomorrow.

GARY: Yes, it's Gary Valentine.

I started a new company and I'm looking for some pinball machines.

[CHATTERING ON TV]

No? Okay.

Thank you for picking up my call. Have a good day, Jimmy.

[HANGS UP PHONE]

[CUP CLATTERS]

Are you doing what I think you're doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

ALANA: Calling people about pinball machines.

That's what I'm doing.

Because?

Because we could be the first place open that has them.

Because we could start "Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace."

You know, we spent the day with a great man

who's really trying to make a change in how this city runs

and the only thing you fucking heard was, "Pinball machines are about to be legal."

I heard other things, too.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yello. Gary Valentine here.

Don, thank you for calling me back so swiftly.

"Swiftly"? Who are you?

Yes. Yes.

Is there a time that's convenient for you within your plans

that I could come lay some eyes on the equipment?

-[SCOFFS] Give me a fucking break, Gary. -Great. Great.

I'm ten minutes away. I'll be right over. Thank you so much, Don.

I'm not driving you.

That's great news, 'cause I can drive myself.

Mmm. You're gonna go on your own?

-Big man. -Yes, I am.

You smoke those cigarettes, you're gonna throw up like a little bitch.

These cigarettes? These ones right here?

King-size Mayburn.

You don't have the balls.

I'm cooler than you. Don't forget it.

I don't need you to tell me whether I'm cool or not, old lady.

-What was that? -I said, "Milady."

-What was that? -"My lady."

I don't need you to tell me whether I'm cool or not.

You're not cool, and your breath smells.

Says you. And you're old.

I'm old?

I don't know what's cool?

Changing the world isn't cool?

Go ask Brian if you're cool.

I will. Who thinks you're cool, Gary? Your waterbed fans?

Sue, Kirk, and Mark? [SCOFFS]

I hang out with more people than that.

You don't even know what's going on in the world.

You think that the world revolves around Gary Valentine

and whatever stupid shit you come up with.

-It does. -It doesn't. It's about more.

-No, it's not. -Yes, it is.

Alana, you would still be taking pictures at my high school of children

if it wasn't for me.

You're talking about pinball machines.

I'm a politician.

I need to get my life together.

So, get it together.

Where are you going?

I'm going out.

Okay, I'll take you.

Come on, you wanna go see these stupid pinball machines or what?

Gary, I'm gonna take you. It's fine.

Gary.

What is your problem? Don't you get in that car.

Don't you fucking get in that car.

Gary fucking Valentine, if you get in that car,

I will never speak to you ever again.

[ENGINE STARTS]

♪ I see a house, a house of stone ♪

♪ A lonely house ♪

Just stop!

♪ Seven rooms, that's all it is Seven rooms of gloom ♪

♪ I live with emptiness Without your tenderness ♪

♪ You took the dream I had for us ♪

♪ You turned my dreams into dust ♪

♪ I watch a phone that never rings ♪

♪ I watch a door that never rings ♪

♪ Bring you back into my life ♪

♪ Turn this darkness into light ♪

Good morning. This is Alana Kane calling from Councilman Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you at a good time?

I'm calling to ask if you've heard of the councilman's efforts

to reduce corruption in our local…

Well, fuck you, then.

So, what's going on with the analysis?

-That's Len Barton's thing. -Mm-hmm.

They're small, but…

Good morning, this is Alana Kane calling from Councilman Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you at a good time?

Yes, I'm calling…

-Alana. -I'm so sorry, I have to go.

-Oh, sorry about that. -Sorry.

-Is it okay if I tell you something? -Yeah.

Um, I've been known to be a little forgetful, absentminded, and…

Look at me, I can't even remember what I'm saying.

But ever since you've gotten here,

I've been very organized, capable, and inspired.

So, thank you for that.

Thank you, Councilman.

That's it.

Good morning, this is Alana Kane

calling from Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you at a good time?

I'm calling to ask if you've heard of the councilman's efforts

to reduce corruption in our local…

Well, fuck you, then.

[PHONE RINGING]

Councilman Joel Wachs' office. This is Alana. How may I help you?

-DANIELLE [ON PHONE]: Hey, it's me. -Oh, hey.

What are you doing?

Working. What are you doing?

Gary just came by and dropped off a flyer for his Pinball Palace.

What did he say?

Well, he wanted to see if we would go.

And he wanted to make sure you knew about it.

What else did he say?

Well, I think he misses you.

He said that?

No, but he looked really sad.

And sweet.

He asked about Brian.

Mmm.

You should just go to his pinball store.

I can't. I'm working.

But they have free Pepsi.

And it's open till midnight.

Pepsi… -There's a band. -Free Pepsi.

Danielle, I'm eliminating state property tax for the elderly

and saving the mountains and you're talking about free Pepsi.

Brian, do you see that guy over there?

Number 12 guy?

ALANA: Yeah. I think he's spying on us.

He keeps looking over here like a creep.

He doesn't look weird to you?

He does, a little.

He's been there all morning. Go say something to him.

BRIAN: Just leave him.

If he stays there too long, I'll say something.

Can I help you?

I don't know.

You're staring at our office.

Yeah, my eyes need someplace to go.

What are you doing here?

I'm waiting for my friend.

Who's your friend?

No one you'd know.

Move it. Away from our office. Go down the street.

Well, this is a free country.

So why don't you just go on back to your little office

before I start asking you questions.

Is there a problem?

Not for me.

Why don't you get out of here?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm on my way.

-What was he saying? -I don't know.

-Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace. -Come out tonight to the Pinball Palace.

Come to Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace tonight.

Guest band and free Pepsi at Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.

2001. Fireball. Jive Time. Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace, tonight.

Kirk's gonna pick you up after school. Hand as many of these out as you can.

-Okay. -Okay. I love you.

No age limit at Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace tonight.

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace. Opens at sundown.

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.

Pinball Palace. Opens at sundown.

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.

Ladies.

Hi, Gary. Please step up over here.

You have a date tonight, sir?

I hope so. I hope so.

That's great. Jacket.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[MACHINE CLANKING]

Hey, hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.

Buddy. You're gonna break the machine.

Hey. Hey, man, cool out.

Hey, can you hear me? Buddy, stop!

Hey, I'm telling you to fuck off, man.

Okay. Okay, you're out of here. You're out of here.

Come inside when you're ready to be cool.

What is this? What is this? Bikes to the side. Bikes to the side.

-Jack, Matty, bikes to the side. -They are on the side!

Bikes to the side. You're blocking the entrance!

Hand me that jacket.

-Here. Don't know whose it is. -Yeah.

I'm really glad you're here.

Have I told you that?

I'm glad I'm here, too.

[PHONE RINGING]

Councilman Wachs' office. Alana speaking.

JOEL: Alana, I'm so glad I caught you.

-Oh, hi, Councilman. -Hi.

I was wondering, if you're not too busy, if you could come meet me for a drink?

-Me? -Yes, you. It'll be nice, right?

We could have a quick drink. I was thinking Rive Gauche?

That sounds nice.

Just one… one small drink.

I don't wanna keep you too long, but…

You should… You should come… Come straight away. It's important.

-Right, straight away. -Thanks so much, Alana.

-See you soon. -I'll see you soon.

[HANGS UP PHONE]

The Councilman forgot his wallet.

-Again? -Yeah.

He's never gonna win, is he?

What do you mean?

He's a mess. Forgets everything.

If it's not his wallet, it's his keys or his briefcase.

I've gone to his house three times to pick up paperwork.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean he's not gonna win.

I'll go with you.

No. No.

Just finish locking up.

Okay.

ALANA: Found it.

Guess I'll see you later?

Sure.

Wanna meet at Tarzana Bobs?

Tarzana Bobs. Sounds good.

-ALANA: Goodbye. -Bye.

["WALK AWAY" PLAYING]

[ELECTRONIC GUNSHOTS]

Stop playing. Stop playing. Leave.

-But I put my money… -Leave. Leave.

-But I… -I own the place. Leave.

♪ I got myself in The worst mess I've been ♪

♪ And I find myself Startin' to doubt you ♪

♪ Seems to me ♪

-Hello, Este. -Hey.

-Hey, Gary. -Hey.

This is really great.

[LAUGHS] Someone did their toes.

-I did do my toes. -I like them.

-I like them. -Thank you.

-Thank you for coming. Really. -It's a big night.

-You ladies look great. -Thank you.

Did you get a chance to talk with Alana?

-Fuck! -Is she gonna come?

-You know where she works, right? -Yeah.

♪ Seems to me You don't wanna talk about it ♪

♪ Seems to me You just turn your pretty head… ♪

Are you telling me to go? I…

Yeah.

Go.

♪ I've got to cool myself down Stomping around ♪

♪ Thinkin' some words, I can't name ya ♪

♪ Meet ya halfway, I got nothing to say ♪

♪ Still, I don't s'pose I can blame ya ♪

DINER: Yeah, I spoke to her, and I said, "No, it's not possible to do that."

-[CHATTERING] -[CUTLERY CLINKING]

JOEL: Alana!

Alana.

-ALANA: Hi. -JOEL: Hi.

I wanna introduce you to my old friend, Matthew.

-Oh, nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

This is Alana. She works with me on the campaign.

She's been such a terrific help. She helped me with those TV spots.

Yes. I helped with the "Integrity" billboard.

That and, like, a hundred other things you've done. Don't be shy.

[CHUCKLES]

ALANA: Things come easily when they matter so much.

It's funny, we were just talking about that.

-ALANA: Really? -Yeah.

-WAITER: Madame. -ALANA: Hi.

May I get you something?

Uh, a martini.

Martini. Vodka or gin?

Vodka-gin.

Would you like an olive or a lime with it?

-Yes. -WAITER: Yeah, madame.

Why am I even staying in this?

JOEL: Did you have any trouble finding the place?

-Oh, no. -No?

No, I come here all the time.

[CHUCKLES] That's good.

And now you're dragging this poor girl into it.

Can we please just enjoy dessert and settle down?

Everything's gonna be fine. Alana's got her drink coming.

Is that your campaign slogan?

"Everything is gonna be fine

as long as no one finds out who I really am."

I'm dealing with so many things that you don't understand.

So tell me.

Do you have any idea how uncomfortable I am all day long?

I can't understand. No. Because you don't tell me these things.

The one time… The one time that I wanna feel comfortable,

you go out and make me feel uncomfortable.

-I haven't done anything to you, Joel. -Okay.

I didn't call this girl. You called her.

Okay, but you're upset that I called her.

Yes, I'm upset, because nothing is about me.

-Nothing is about us. -I forget who I'm dealing with here.

"I'm Matthew Marshall and it's always about me."

No. No, no, Joel.

It's never about me, and that's why I'm sad.

Well, look.

We're here, we're having dinner.

You asked me to come to dinner. I'm tired, and I'm here at dinner.

What more do you want from me?

I want you to myself.

Well, that's just not how the world works, is it?

MATTHEW: I don't know.

Well, then you need to grow up.

There was a man hanging around the office earlier and he's here now.

That's why I called.

You see, I don't think it's wise

for my personal life to distract from what our first priority is.

What is our first priority?

[SIGHS]

There's the community, my campaign, and everything that I'm working towards.

Yes, and that's that, and this is dinner, so what are we working towards?

So, Alana, you came to meet me for a drink.

Um, you were running late,

and now you're going to be taking your boyfriend, Matthew, home.

[MATTHEW LAUGHS]

Is she gonna be taking her boyfriend to his house or to your house?

JOEL: Would you please keep your voice down?

She's going to be taking you to your house.

Are you gonna be coming there?

Can we just discuss this at another time, please?

MATTHEW: Are you gonna come to my house tonight, Joel?

JOEL: Can we please just discuss this at another time?

-Do you want me to… -JOEL: Okay?

-Do you want me to wait up for you? -JOEL: No, Matthew.

Thank you both for coming.

Let's go paint the town red.

-JOEL: So nice of you… -And black and blue.

JOEL: So nice of you guys to…

[SIGHS]

[VOICE BREAKING] Thank you, Alana. You're very sweet.

[SNIFFLES, SIGHS]

Do you have a boyfriend?

Yes and no.

I don't know.

Is he a shit?

Yeah. Yeah.

They're all shits, aren't they?

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Thank you, sweetheart.

You have a very powerful feeling.

Thank you, Matthew.

[CRYING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Very cool. What do you play?

-Guitar. -Me, too.

Where's Gary?

Are you okay?

Where's Gary?

He left.

-Where'd he go? -I don't know.

[CHATTERING]

HENRI: Miss Alana. Good evening.

Is Gary here?

No, Gary didn't come in tonight.

-You haven't seen him? -No.

Do you need some help?

No, thank you, Henri.

[GROANING, LAUGHING]

GARY: Oh, my God.

["LISA, LISTEN TO ME" PLAYING]

♪ Don't you know where you belong? ♪

♪ Darling, Lisa, you can tell me ♪

♪ You've been silent for too long ♪

Everyone, everyone!

May I have your attention, please?

Let me introduce to you, Mrs. Alana Valentine.

Idiot.

♪ Runnin' scared ♪

♪ Then she found him ♪

♪ Or maybe he found her ♪

♪ His were gentle words She had never heard before ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, she had never heard before ♪

Hi.

Hi.

I love you, Gary.

["TOMORROW MAY NOT BE YOUR DAY" PLAYING]

♪ Hey, if it's love you want Then you better be lovin', boy ♪

♪ If it's smilin' you want You better get to smilin' ♪

♪ If it's good times you want ♪

♪ Baby, get your good times now ♪

♪ Now, now ♪

♪ Babe, baby, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Oh, Mama, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Oh, honey, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ 'Cause tomorrow may not be your day ♪

♪ Tomorrow may not be your day ♪

♪ You know we all have our sad times ♪

♪ And then again We all have our glad times ♪

♪ But everybody in this whole damn world Need a friend ♪

♪ A friend, a friend ♪

♪ Somebody just to help you through ♪

♪ Oh, baby, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Oh, Mama, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Oh, sugar, don't you wait too… ♪

♪ Meant to be your day ♪

♪ Tomorrow may not be your day ♪

♪ There's a change in the ocean A change in the ground ♪

♪ There's a change in the sunshine A change in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ There are changes in your life, so ♪

♪ Baby, get yourself a good time ♪

♪ Good time, good time ♪

♪ Oh, baby, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Mama, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Baby, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Tomorrow may not be your day ♪

♪ One time ♪

♪ if it's love you want Then you better be lovin', boy ♪

♪ If it's smilin' you want Then you better get to smilin' ♪

♪ If it's good times you want Baby, get your good times now ♪

♪ Now, now ♪

♪ Baby, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Oh, Mama, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Oh, baby, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Oh, honey, don't you wait ♪

♪ 'Cause tomorrow may not be your day ♪

♪ Oh, chuck 'em down, chuck 'em down ♪

♪ Oh, chuck 'em down Chuck 'em down, honey ♪

♪ Chuck 'em down, chuck 'em down ♪

♪ Take it, baby ♪

♪ Chuck 'em down ♪

♪ Baby, don't you wait too long ♪

♪ Chuck 'em down, honey ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

["BUT YOU'RE MINE" PLAYING]

♪ When people say you're not my kind ♪

♪ And that your clothes are out of line ♪

♪ And that your hair Isn't combed all the time ♪

♪ You're not real pretty but you're mine ♪

♪ We have a great, big, old society ♪

♪ That won't make room for folks Like you and me ♪

♪ But I got some real sad news for them My friend ♪

♪ They're on the outside looking in ♪

♪ We've got a great thing going ♪

♪ And it's gonna keep right on growing ♪

♪ And I hope that soon They'll see the light ♪

♪ But until that time ♪

♪ They'll have to blow their mind ♪

♪ 'Cause it ain't us That's gonna lose this fight ♪

♪ So when we're walking, I don't care ♪

♪ When all those people stop and stare ♪

♪ If they'd look in your eyes ♪

♪ They'd see ♪

♪ You're not real pretty But you belong to me ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, now ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, now ♪

♪ When you're lovin' me, baby ♪

♪ And when I hold you, baby ♪

-♪ When you kiss me, baby ♪ -♪ When I kiss you ♪

♪ I know you love me, baby ♪

♪ When I hold you ♪

♪ You know I'll never leave you ♪

♪ When I touch you ♪

♪ I know I'll always love you ♪

♪ Every day now ♪

♪ You know I love you, baby ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ You know I love you, baby ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪