Original subtitles

So, being married-- different, not different?

It's the same. Mostly.

Except I think I might be getting carpal tunnel.

My hand keeps cramping up.

I thought the whole point of getting married was

that you didn't have to do that anymore.

No, it's from writing all the thank you notes.

Mostly. Yeah.

You're writing constantly.

There's forms we have to sign,

our death folders,

thank you notes. Whoa, whoa.

What are death folders?

It's this thing they recommend you do

in case one spouse dies unexpectedly.

It's all the information

your spouse might need

all in one convenient location.

LILY: Yeah.

Account info, important addresses,

a letter to the other person.

All that stuff.

I'll get the next round.

Thanks.

I am such a jerk.

Yeah.

Wait, why?

I didn't know that I was supposed to write a letter.

All Lily's gonna find

in that folder are a bunch of bank statements

and a funny list of things to do with my ashes.

Marshall brownies.

Number six. Yeah.

Oh, God, I am a bad husband.

No, uh, no, I'll just write,

I'll write Lily a letter tonight, everything'll be fine.

That's right.

Unless...

you die between now and then. Ooh.

But...

come on, that's never gonna happen. Yes!

If there's one thing we can state

with absolute certainty

it's that Marshall Eriksen is not going to die

before writing that letter.

BARNEY: No way at all.

In fact, I dare God

to smite down this perfectly healthy...

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I get it.

Okay, you guys know I'm a little superstitious,

and you guys are trying to freak me out.

Well, guess what? It didn't work.

So, there.

You guys are jerks!

TED: So after Robin and I broke up,

she needed some time away.

Away from her normal home, her normal life,

and it turns out, her normal self.

I was just so uptight in New York, you know?

I mean down here everybody shares everything.

It's like we're all one big shimmering ball

of positive energy.

I wonder if anyone's ever thought that before.

Here.

Eat.

If we run out of fish,

I will catch more with my hands.

(drums playing)

A drum circle!

They're different every time.

Let's go watch!

And here I am at the drum circle.

Whoa, are you topless?

Ted, check this out.

Seen 'em.

Wow, it seems like a great trip.

Oh, it was.

I feel like the Robin who left

is not the same Robin who came back, you know.

Wow, there's a lot of nude people in here.

You haven't changed, Scherbatsky.

You're a sophisticated, scotch-swilling,

cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating,

gun-toting New Yorker.

Just shoes and a shirt.

That's a look.

What you are not is a massage-giving,

windsurfing, bongo-playing,

teetotaling, vegan, peacenik, hippy

like you soon to be ex-boyfriend, Gael.

Back me up here, Ted.

I'm just happy Robin's happy.

Thank you. LILY: Man,

this is like a "Where's Waldo"

of exposed genitalia.

Except that it's really easy to find Waldo.

I'm evolved...

and I'm enjoying living my life

a little bit closer to the way Gael

and I did in Argentina. Please.

Vacation romances have an expiration date.

Gael's got a "best if banged by" sticker on him.

Once your romance

starts to stink, you'll dump his ass

down the drain like sour milk

and go back to being "Unevolved Robin,"

the one we actually like.

Back me up here, Ted.

I'm just happy Robin's happy.

I'm telling you, within three days...

Ooh, here he comes. Switched to big words.

Within a triad of solar periods,

you'll recognize your dearth

of compatibility with your paramour

and conclude your association.

My journey was transformative.

And I reassert my commitment

to both the aforementioned paramour

and the philosophies he espouses.

What are we talking of?

Baseball?

This is all gonna return to masticate you in the gluteals.

Support my hypothesis, Ted.

I'm just jubilant my former paramour's jubilant.

That night Marshall sat down to write the letter

he hoped Lily would never have to read.

"My dearest, sweetest, Lily pad.

"Let this letter be a small beacon,

"a tiny firefly to help light your way

"through the years ahead.

"My love for you persists

"higher than the Himalayas.

Deeper than a Scottish loch."

(sobbing)

"If I died under suspicious circumstances,

"then beware.

"Trust no one.

Not even Ted."

"Especially not Ted."

"Know that I'll always be there in your heart

"whenever you need me,

"and that my love for you will never die.

"Love... (sobbing)

your marshmallow."

(inhales sharply)

"M.

"ATM pin code: 5-4-5-9.

"Teacher's pension account:

"A-3-9-3-2.

"Cancel Vogue.

L."

My windsurfing board...

it had floated away.

And the shark...

he was getting closer.

They say to escape

you punch a shark in the nose.

But I said,

"Brother shark,

we are both children

from the same Earth mother."

(sighs)

And that's all I remember until the hospital.

That guy. Yeah.

That guy.

Look at how easy he has it.

You and me, we have to bend over backwards

to get a woman to, well, bend over backwards.

But that guy...

Every woman in the bar is hanging

on his every slightly mispronounced word.

And why?

He's better looking than us.

No.

Because he's from out of town.

Mmm.

With and accent and an innocent smile,

you don't even have to try. Yeah.

Plus automatic out,

you're leaving in a couple of days.

God, I wish we were tourists. Yeah.

Actually...

You know where I've been meaning to visit?

(camera shutter clicking) Okay, okay, we're from a small town

in the south of France.

Our plane leaves Sunday morning.

(with Southern accent): Uh, hey, uh, howdy, ladies.

Hate to bother you.

We seem to be a little bit lost.

Would you happen to know which street

the Statue of Liberty's on?

Actually, it's on its own island.

Oh! Oh, it's right...

Ah. Thank you very...

Uh, my name is, uh, Ignatius Peabody Nobel.

From East Westerton, Missouri.

And this is my friend, Ted.

Hi, um, I'm Colleen.

Hi, Colleen. This is Lindsay.

Hi, Lindsay.

So, hey,

you-you-you ladies, been awful nice to us.

What do you say...

Ah, never mind. No...

No, what is it?

Well...

it's just we're leaving Sunday morning.

It sure would be nice to have some real New Yorkers

show us around. Yeah.

Well, we're busy tonight, but...

maybe tomorrow afternoon?

After lunch?

Well, hotdog!

Should we...

you want to just meet here

in front of Mac... MacLaren's Pub?

It's kind of a lame bar, but sure.

Really? It doesn't seem that lame to me.

It's pretty lame.

I think it's cool.

We'll see you tomorrow. BARNEY: All right.

I'm just saying it seems like a kind of bar

a lot of cool people would hang out at.

Okay, all right.

So, Gael, huh? Mmm.

Still going strong?

Yeah, it's great.

Amazing, fantastic, awesome.

Ooh, that's one too many.

What's going on?

Well, now that I'm home,

I'm finding myself getting annoyed

at things that I loved on vacation.

Here, taste.

Experience your food.

Oh.

So good.

Here, taste.

Experience your food.

Ooh, sofa, ooh, sofa.

Sofa, sofa, oh.

(grunts)

Ooh. We're alone now.

I must have you.

(laughs)

(moans)

Ooh. I must have you.

Laptop, laptop, laptop!

(sighs)

And you know what else?

I'm still finding sand everywhere.

I mean, we haven't been to the beach since Argentina.

Where is all coming from?

Well, maybe you're just going back

to the person you were before the trip.

But I don't want to.

I was so happy down there.

No, you know what?

I'm done complaining.

I'm evolving.

Just gonna

go with the flow.

Wow.

Gael, you're peeing while I'm in the shower.

Okay.

Okay, old Robin would have been like, dude, ocupado.

But now, you know what, I'm cool with it.

Pee it up.

In fact,

when you're done, why don't you come in here and join me?

Don't mind if I do, love.

(screams)

Gael, there's some weird du...

Hello. Hey!

Good news!

I made some new traveling friends today,

and they'll be staying with us, how do you say...

indefinitely!

ALL: G'day!

Ooh, here.

Will you sign this thank you note?

Wow.

Both sides.

You wrote on

both sides of a thank you note to my third cousin

for a blender that you haven't even taken out of the box.

Wow, that's...

It's a really nice blender. Well, if you love

that blender so much, why don't you just marry it.

I can't. I married you.

That's how we go the blender.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing's wrong.

What could be wrong?

Except that when you die I'm gonna find out

that your parting words to comfort me for all eternity

were "Cancel Vogue."

How can you open my letter?

That was not a letter.

It was barely even a text message.

Next time you write something

that short, at least have the courtesy to make it rhyme.

Marshall, wait.

This was our first fight as a married couple.

Oh, baby.

Oh... Oh.

Kids, when you visit New York, there's countless fun things

to see and do.

And yet, Colleen and Lindsay took us to Tater-Skinz.

COLLEEN: This is our favorite restaurant

in the city.

Yes, I'm sure this is the best

of their 57 "spudtacular" east coast locations.

I'm going to run to the restroom.

I'm gonna go, too. (growls)

(Ted groans, Barney laughs)

This is the easiest date ever.

You know what I'm gonna try next?

A knock, knock joke.

Easiest? Somehow we have managed

to find the two lamest New Yorkers of all time.

Ted, Ted, Ted. Dude, I am looking at you.

What? Right.

Stay with me.

We are on the cusp of moving from out-of-towners

to in-their-pantsers.

Ay-o.

All right, Ignatius,

one more hour. Nice.

Nice. Hey, nice. Hey...

Hey, our friends invited us to a party.

You guys want to come along? Knock, knock.

Who's there? Yes, we do.

(all laughing)

(cheering on television) Quick announcement.

I am

so glad that you're here, fellow travelers.

A couple rules--

not even rules.

Let's call them guidelines for harmonious living.

Guideline for harmonious living

number one--

the kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee.

G.F.H.L.

number two--

marijuana is illegal in the United States,

even when baked into a blueberry muffin

that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast

right before they leave for their job as a TV newscaster.

"This just in:

look at my hand, how weird is my hand?"

is not an appropriate thing to say on the air.

And number three, I...

(all cheering)

And number three is please keep the noise to a minimum.

I have to take a nap.

I'm still pretty baked.

(gasps)

Everything's so bright, even at night.

No wonder the city never sleeps.

(Barney and women laughing)

Hey, if we're going north,

why did we cross over the FDR?

We should have taken the Hudson.

(scoffing): Now he knows all the streets.

Someone's been watching too many Steinfeld reruns.

(women laughing)

(laughs sarcastically)

Where are we even going anyway?

148th and Brook Avenue.

A hundred-- in the South Bronx at this time of night?

We're going to get killed.

Ted, I think these local New Yorkers

know more about the city than we do, so relax.

We're in very capable hands.

(siren wails)

There were three of them, at least two guns--

they took all our money.

Well, I only had traveler's checks.

Hey, babe.

I've been thinking about our fight.

Yes?

I'm really, really...

surprised that you haven't apologized to me yet.

Wow, you really want to open this up again.

Oh, I forgot, you open everything up,

even if you're not supposed to until I'm dead.

You know that this is important to me.

Why won't you just write the letter?

Because I can't bear the thought of not being with you,

not even for long enough to write you a stupid letter.

Really?

Yes, really.

Plus, I know as soon as I write it,

you're just going to open it up and read it again.

Lily, I won't, I promise.

Okay.

I'll write you a letter for my death folder.

Do you mind, um, maybe slipping

in a little bit of dirty stuff, too?

I tell you what.

How about I make it all dirty stuff

and slip in a little clean stuff?

You're the best.

And maybe a couple Polaroids?

Come on, let's get out of here.

This night's a disaster. What?!

This night couldn't have gone any better.

We just survived a mugging.

You know what that means.

"Thank God we're alive" sex.

"Thank God we're alive" sex.

It's even better

than "I can't believe you just proposed to me" sex,

which I've only had, like, four or five times.

Ted, please, we are so close.

All right, I'm in.

I've never worked this hard for anything in my life.

Whew!

Wow, I think we all need

to go back to our place and recover.

Yeah.

I just want to celebrate

the fact that we survived.

You know?

Mm-hmm.

Me, too.

So where do you live?

What, West Village? Close.

West Orange.

West Orange, New Jersey? Yeah.

You guys live in New Jersey, not New York?

Theodore. Yep.

New Jersey? Teddy. Yeah, but don't worry,

it's pretty much New York. TED: Oh.

No.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. New Jersey is not "pretty much New York."

You are not "pretty much New Yorkers."

And how would you know? Because I live here.

That's right, I live here.

Yes, we're full of crap.

Yes, we pretended to be from out of town

so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning.

But you know what's even worse than that?

Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not.

Because this is the greatest city in the world

and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker.

So why don't you girls crawl

into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel

and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"?

Because I will do a lot

to get laid,

but I am not going to New Jersey!

(huffs)

(in accent): You're not from Missouri?

Well, I will be a monkey's unc...

Ew. Right.

Can we get a ride?

Hey, um, sir,

can we get a ride, too?

Newark, born and raised.

(drumming)

(sighs)

Can you please keep it down?

(sighs)

What happened to you, man?

You said you wouldn't change, but look at you.

No more tan, no more beaded braids,

no more lush,

untamed forest of leg and armpit hair.

You're back at work.

What gives?

Well, I have to have a job.

"I have to have a job."

God, that's so American.

I'm Canadian. You know that.

What about the important things like making your own jewelry

and lying on the beach

and thinking about peace?

God, don't you care

about thinking about peace?

Wow.

I just realized something.

That you've lost your way.

No,

that you really suck.

You're boring and lame

and you're getting sand everywhere.

Seriously, where is all the sand coming from?

You're not the real me.

All you are is me on vacation

trying to get away from a break-up.

Don't you remember Argentina?

Don't you want to go back?

What are you doing?

Shh...

Let this happen.

(Robin gasps, drumming)

All right, everyone out.

I said everyone out!

(frustrated growl)

(drumming stops, panicked shouting)

All right, we're leaving, we're leaving, okay.

Michael Moore was so right about Americans.

I'm Canadian!

Robin,

you okay?

No, I'm not.

Listen, Gael,

I need to talk to you about something.

After they broke up, Robin went back to being Robin.

(sighs)

Welcome home, Scherbatsky.

Oh, good to be back.

Although it's weird.

Vacation Robin popped into my dream again last night.

Listening.

This time we went all the way.

Tell you one thing.

She may be sandy, but that chick knows what I like.

Okay, I'm done.

But I really don't want you reading this unless...

you know, something happens.

Can you swear to me you won't open it?

Totally. What does it say?

Marshall, I'm serious.

Okay.

I promise I won't, I won't open that until you're dead.

(quietly): Okay.

And through 22 wonderful years of marriage,

Marshall kept his promise

until November 1 of last year when, sadly...

"Busted! I knew you'd read this.

You suck, Marshall, you totally suck."

That's it?

I suck?

Lily. Yes, you suck.

You said you wouldn't read it

and you did. Well, you didn't keep your promise either.

I don't see any dirty pictures in here.

Oh, fine,

I'll take the dirty pictures.

I don't want 'em now.

What is that supposed to mean?

What?!

Nothing.

Nothing.

You're beautiful.

I would love the photos.

Have I told you how beautiful you look?