Original subtitles

TED: Kids, there's more than one story of how I met your mother.

You know the short version,

the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella.

But there's a bigger story.

The story of how I became who I had to become

before I could meet her.

And that story begins here.

...dary!

Legendary!

Dude, I am so excited that you're single again.

We are going to conquer New York City.

I already have a girl from work lined up for you.

Right boob bigger than the left boob,

which some choose to look at as bra half empty,

I choose to look at as bra half full.

I don't know.

Robin and I broke up two weeks ago.

I'm... I'm not ready.

When will you be ready?

It was a good question.

After a big relationship ends,

you need some time to recuperate.

Robin took a trip to Argentina,

and I went through my usual routine.

I grew my breakup beard.

Ted Mosby, suit up, 'cause here's the plan.

There's a Miss Nassau County pageant.

We'll pretend to be judges

and, yes, our votes are for sale.

I'm not ready.

I repainted the apartment.

Finish Line of a women's 10K.

Salty girls on an endorphin high

who just want to lie down.

Yeah. I'm not ready.

And the truth is, I was doing really good.

Female acrobats from Montreal. Hmm.

Super flexible. We are going to get Cirque de So-Laid.

(singsongy): What up?

Barney, come on, we've covered this.

LYNN: Robin!

Hey, guys.

I just got in last night.

Um, uh, this is Gael.

Hola.

Okay, I'm ready.

(razor buzzing)

TED: I just can't believe her.

We have this totally amicable split,

everything's cool.

And she comes back from vacation with that guy?

You know what she's doing?

She's trying to win the breakup.

What do you mean "win the breakup," old-timey inventor?

What our 21st president, Chester A. Arthur,

is trying to say is that

in every breakup there are winners and losers.

It's not a competition.

Now, your 80-day balloon race around the world,

that was a competition.

That's my wife.

Of course it's a competition, Lil.

How else do you explain... what's his name?

Gael.

I'm sorry, Gayle?

Gael.

Kyle?

Gael.

Girl?

It's pronounced "guy-el."

It means "joyful."

That is why I live my life by bringing joy,

good energy and happiness to others.

Especially those less fortunate that I.

I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?

What a jerk.

I don't go to your stupid country

and try to seduce women with my sexy accent.

That's a great point, Persian nightclub owner.

Oh, and he's a masseuse.

With a massage, everything is connected.

I can touch your foot, cleanse your kidney.

I can touch your earlobe,

and slow your heartbeat.

One time, I used warm water to make a guy pee.

Of course, I didn't make a career out of it.

Career?

Such an American idea.

My career is living. Windsurfing.

Making love.

Sometimes at the same time.

BARNEY: How?

How would one do that exactly?

Seriously, don't giggle. Tell me.

Not possible.

You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board.

How do you know? Glad you asked, Lily.

I have crafted a list of every vehicle--

land-based, aquatic and airborne--

in which/on which it's possible to have sex.

And of those 33 vehicles,

I have had sex in/on 31.

Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible.

Oh, P.S., in order to hit 33, all I need is

bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.

To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.

This conversation never happened.

All right, you're suited up, I'm bearded down.

Let's get out there and win this thing.

Yes!

You guys, have fun on your double date.

Oh, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry, there was a lull.

And then we fell asleep on the beach

while counting the stars.

Do you want to have dinner with me? Uh, us?

There was no lull.

You just think he's incredibly hot.

No, I don't!

Not incredibly.

It's a little hard to believe how hot he is.

But, I mean,

she's serious about him.

The girl never marries the hot guy.

Well, you did.

I'm one of the lucky few.

Lily, Ted is our best friend,

so let's get something straight:

Male Gayle is not hot.

He's not our friend. Don't even look at him.

Just... no eye contact.

So that night, as Lily and Marshall

did their best to hate Gael...

Hey, Robin. Gael.

...Robin pulled me aside to check in.

Now, I'm sure she meant the best,

but she said the worst.

I just want to make sure you're okay with this.

"I just want to make sure you're okay with this"?

Damn it! I can't believe she's the one that gets to say that.

She's winning, isn't she?

(chuckles): Not for long.

Okay, pep talk. Take a knee.

Ted, tonight we're going to get

you someone way hotter than Robin.

Okay, Robin's a ten.

Fine, we'll get you a 12.

Or, you know...

two sixes.

Failing that, four threes.

And break glass in case of emergency,

we'll go to Staten Island, I'll get you 12 ones.

Ted, my boy, I am going to re-teach you...

Amy. Ted.

Barney.

Ted, we are back!

Up here.

Up high.

Fivin' it up five-style!

I'm sorry this is all so weird.

Weird, why would it be weird?

Because you used to date our best friend

or because my wife thinks

your new boyfriend is incredibly hot?

I do not! Shut up!

Oh, my God!

I just hope Ted's okay.

Hmm.

I hate to see you so tense.

I mean, we had a really clean break up, you know?

We really acted like adults,

so the last thing-- oh!

(moans)

Gael, are you a properly licensed massage therapist?

What? Are you legally

certified by some type of governing entity?

I train for three years at an institute in Buenos Aires.

I have a card. I can show you.

Is the card laminated?

What do you mean "laminated"?

Covered in protective plastic.

Oh, yes. Damn it.

He checks out.

Ted. Ted.

Ted. Ted.

What?!

Let's bail, this place is dead.

Yeah, you're right.

We're both totally striking out.

Exactly, plus,

we're on a tight schedule. I've got this entire evening

perfectly planned out-- spoiler alert:

our last stop is an after hours club

so after hours, it's three days from now.

What up.

Are you blind?

I'm making out with a 12. I am winning.

Yeah, but I didn't get to help.

So you're saying you want me to throw away

a super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her?

Apology accepted. Let's go.

Who's the suit?

This is Barney. Barney, Amy.

I'm not gonna remember that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

random chick from earlier tonight,

as you shall henceforth be known,

Ted and I have a schedule to keep.

Oh, well, you can check off 8:54, dress up like a dork

and bother the cool kids.

Beat it, nerd.

Wow. Wow.

Great stuff, Tommy Lee.

See, what you don't understand is

I'm Ted's wingman.

It's a sacred bond, much stronger than any...

They're making out again.

(mutters): Massage therapist.

And you know what, "Gayle"?

Your piece of chicken looks a little tense to me.

Oh, oh, does that feel good, Mr. Chicken?

Well, guess what?

I didn't wash my hands.

Got him.

Lily!

We carry so much ancient emotion

in our neck and shoulders.

Things we should have let go of years ago.

I forgive you, Mom.

Lily, we are Ted's best friends.

Our job is to hate that guy.

Oh, yeah, that's what I was doing.

I was just building him up so a few minutes later,

I could totally cut him down.

Weren't you wearing a bra?

The night was going great.

Amy was cool and dangerous.

She found a friend for Barney.

She even paid for drinks...

sort of.

They know us here.

You're gonna get us in trouble.

Tell me something.

Do you ask your tailor to leave extra room

in the crotch for your huge vagina?

You... your vagina...

Ted, this chick is crazy.

We're leaving. Good idea.

Let's all go back to my place.

Your place? Thanks but no thanks,

1994 Courtney Love.

I have a hot tub.

Okay, this is actually pretty nice.

I like your tatts.

Thanks, you can play with them if you want.

They're a hundred percent real.

No, your tatts... toos, your tattoos.

(laughs)

Thanks.

You should get one.

Wrong. Ted has a classic, clean-cut look

that never goes out of style

season after season, burn.

Yeah? Well, I think he would look hot with some ink.

No, he wouldn't. Yes, he would.

No, he wouldn't.

Yuh-huh. Nuh-uh.

I'm ready to do anything you want by the way.

Anything. Right now.

Ted, who are you gonna side with on this tattoo thing?

I think I'd look way hot with some ink.

Yeah, you would. Yeah.

(groans)

Oh, my God! Tyler?

Mommy! Daddy!

She's back!

Damn it, they're supposed to be in the Hamptons. Run!

Sorry. I used to nanny

for those jerks before they fired me.

So unfair. Unfair?

I wouldn't let you take care of the imaginary kids

I make up to score with single moms.

That's it, Ted.

We're going home.

(whistles)

Ted?

Ted, you okay?

Hello, Ted. Robin and I are about to make

fantastic aquatic sex on this windsurfing board.

And I just want to make sure you're okay with this.

Okay, how do we do this?

I think your leg goes up, up...

Okay, how about if I, um...

No, mine...

I'm okay.

In fact, here's how okay I am.

I'm getting a tattoo.

You're not getting a tattoo, it's not you.

Ted, you are heading down a dark path.

That dark path is my driveway.

But you need a plan

and you need a wingman!

This is so going in my blog!

Want to have sex?

Okay.

TED: And underneath,

it should say, "I win."

And then it should have flames coming out the bottom.

(gasps): Fire!

We should start a fire.

After this maybe.

Oh, man, this is going to be legend.

Wait for it.

And that's all I remember.

The next morning, I woke up alone back home.

(heavy sigh)

(laughs)

Hey, buddy, how was your night?

You know, it was great.

I met this crazy girl, I almost got a tattoo.

Don't worry.

I didn't, but it was...

It was amazing.

I think it's safe to say, I am winning this breakup.

(whispers): Look.

Oh, my God.

What?

Nothing.

This J. Crew catalog.

Who brings two Golden Retrievers in a canoe?

(gasps): We got to call Barney.

Way ahead of you.

Hey, guys, what's the big emergency?

Oh, and B the W:

I am never speaking to Ted again.

Mm. Really? Never?

Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?

What?

(clears throat)

Ted?

Could you grab me

the fondue pot?

(whispers): He has no idea.

(gasps) Mm-hmm.

And up we go.

MARSHALL: Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

What?

Ted? Mm?

I came here this morning because...

I want to apologize.

Apology accepted, Barney.

As you can see, I do just fine on my own.

I don't need a baby-sitter.

BARNEY: See, all this time,

I thought you needed a wingman to fly,

but the truth is, you...

you've got your own wings now.

TED: Mm.

Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating.

(stifled laugh)

Growing in your cocoon.

And last night... (stifled laughter)

...you burst out of that cocoon like a...

like a majestic, uh...

Gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon?

I was always bad at science.

(quietly): He's going to say it!

A butterfly?

(laughing)

(both laughing)

What?

Nothing, buddy.

Ow! Why did that hurt so...?

BOTH: Ooh.

(muffled laughing)

TED: Oh, my God!

I have a tattoo!

Oh, that's not a tattoo.

That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.

A tramp stamp.

You know, a ho tag.

Ass antlers.

A Panama City license plate.

TED: And suddenly, it all came back to me.

...dary! (laughing)

Legendary!

Man, I am so winning this breakup.

Mm. I just broke up with my boyfriend Steve.

He was totally annoying. He was, like,

"I think you're the one, I want to marry you."

What a wuss.

(laughs) Do you think

exes can be friends?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, we're still friends, right, Steve?

Hey, your name is Steve.

And her

ex-boyfriend's name is Steve.

What are the odds of that...?

Wait.

(tattoo tool humming)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Give me this.

Aah, aah, aah, aah!

Oh, yeah, that'll get it out.

Maybe you should try club soda.

Ow. Damn it, it really hurts. I need, like,

some ointment or something.

What's this?

Spanish massage oil.

Spanish massage oil?

What happened here last night?

Last night got weird.

(singing soft melody in Spanish)

Feel the emotions release.

(teary): Think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade.

You're beautiful.

I am beautiful.

Experience your food.

*

Try the mango.

Okay, that's enough of the fruit.

We're sorry, Ted.

It'll never happen again.

It meant nothing to us.

It just felt really, really, really good.

Oh! I can't even look at you two right now.

Ted...

(laughing): He got a tramp stamp.

(laughter)

All right, first of all, this isn't one of those,

"I came all the way over here because I want you back" things.

There'll be no startling confession of love,

no sweet indie rock song that swells up

just as we're about to kiss, none of that crap. Got it?

Okay. Good.

Now, here's the thing.

It sucks that you came back from Argentina

with someone as awesome as Gael.

And I know I have no right to be upset at you.

We're broken up, life goes on, whatever.

But you know what? We-We never did this.

We-We had this polite breakup

with no irrational yelling, and...

and that's just wrong!

So, I'm going to yell irrationally for a little while,

and you're just going to have to stand there

and deal with it, okay?

If you feel like you need to do that, then...

I think I do!

I really think I do!

So now I'm yelling!

You shaved. I did!

I liked the beard. I liked it, too, but it was getting kind of hot!

Maybe in the winter, I'll grow it back out!

(quietly): Okay, I'm done.

I know it was weird showing up with Gael.

I'm sorry.

Look, us breaking up-- it was the right thing.

But it took some time to get over you, you know?

I-I'm still getting over you.

But you? You were over it

the minute they started the in-flight movie.

Over it?!

My first three days in Argentina,

I cried my eyes out.

I missed you

so much.

I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am,

but the truth is... it was really lonely.

And that's why Gael happened.

You weren't trying to win the breakup?

I was trying to survive it.

(sighs)

Okay.

No.

See, look, that all sounds good, and

we'll still be friends and move on, but...

did he have to be so hot?

The guy's an Adonis.

He's not an Adonis.

He's the Cadillac of rebound guys.

Marshall has a crush on him!

The guy's perfect.

He's not perfect.

Oh, come on.

He's hot, he wind surfs, he massages things.

Name one way I'm better than that guy.

You're bigger.

Don't patronize me. If anything,

he may even be a little bit taller.

No. Ted... you're bigger.

I win!

(laughing)

TED: Kids, I can't remember exactly

what helped me get through the whole Robin-Gael incident.

I'm sure that it was something profound and meaningful,

and not at all macho and petty,

but after that, I was back on my feet.

And what followed was a new era in my life, a crazy time

unlike anything that came before.

It's funny looking back at those days,

knowing now exactly what I was heading towards.

And what was heading towards me.

* Somebody hold me...

(sighs, phone rings)

Go for Barney.

Hey, man, it's Marshall.

Check your e-mail.

Sent you something.

What is it?

Just a new Web site.

Slapcountdown.com.

(beeping)

What does this mean?

(beep)

M-Marshall?

Ma...

No.

(beeping)

(screaming): No!