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1
00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,639
TED:
Kids, there's more than one
story of how I met your mother.
2
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:06,172
You know the short version,
3
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,907
the thing with your mom's
yellow umbrella.
4
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,311
But there's a bigger story.
5
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,653
The story of how I became
who I had to become
6
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,979
before I could meet her.
7
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,783
And that story begins here.
8
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,086
...dary!
9
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,618
Legendary!
10
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:21,122
Dude, I am so excited
that you're single again.
11
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,415
We are going to conquer
New York City.
12
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,587
I already have a girl
from work lined up for you.
13
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,356
Right boob bigger
than the left boob,
14
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:29,395
which some choose to look
at as bra half empty,
15
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,570
I choose to look
at as bra half full.
16
00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:33,299
I don't know.
17
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:35,174
Robin and I broke up
two weeks ago.
18
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,903
I'm... I'm not ready.
19
00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:39,137
When will you be ready?
20
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,443
It was a good question.
21
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,635
After a big relationship ends,
22
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,106
you need some time
to recuperate.
23
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:45,705
Robin took a trip to Argentina,
24
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,646
and I went through
my usual routine.
25
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,551
I grew my breakup beard.
26
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,353
Ted Mosby, suit up,
'cause here's the plan.
27
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,015
There's a Miss Nassau
County pageant.
28
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,163
We'll pretend to be judges
29
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,658
and, yes, our votes
are for sale.
30
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,429
I'm not ready.
31
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,428
I repainted the apartment.
32
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,260
Finish Line of a women's 10K.
33
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:04,226
Salty girls on
an endorphin high
34
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,625
who just want to lie down.
35
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,037
Yeah.
I'm not ready.
36
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,939
And the truth is,
I was doing really good.
37
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,342
Female acrobats
from Montreal.
Hmm.
38
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:17,405
Super flexible.
We are going to get
Cirque de So-Laid.
39
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:18,975
(singsongy):
What up?
40
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,252
Barney, come on,
we've covered this.
41
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,451
LYNN:
Robin!
42
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:22,422
Hey, guys.
43
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,080
I just got in last night.
44
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,156
Um, uh, this is Gael.
45
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,919
Hola.
46
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,457
Okay, I'm ready.
47
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,143
(razor buzzing)
48
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:49,275
TED:
I just can't believe her.
49
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,880
We have this totally
amicable split,
50
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,281
everything's cool.
51
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:54,113
And she comes back
from vacation with that guy?
52
00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,478
You know what she's doing?
53
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:56,876
She's trying to win the breakup.
54
00:01:56,917 --> 00:02:00,487
What do you mean "win the
breakup," old-timey inventor?
55
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:03,021
What our 21st president,
Chester A. Arthur,
56
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:05,186
is trying to say is that
57
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,256
in every breakup there are
winners and losers.
58
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,725
It's not a
competition.
59
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:11,202
Now, your 80-day
balloon race around the world,
60
00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:12,732
that was a competition.
61
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:14,671
That's my wife.
62
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:17,072
Of course it's
a competition, Lil.
63
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:19,474
How else do you explain...
what's his name?
64
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,637
Gael.
65
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:24,549
I'm sorry, Gayle?
66
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,508
Gael.
67
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,477
Kyle?
68
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,647
Gael.
69
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,785
Girl?
70
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:37,960
It's pronounced "guy-el."
71
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,431
It means "joyful."
72
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:43,000
That is why I live
my life by bringing joy,
73
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,600
good energy
and happiness to others.
74
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:48,543
Especially those
less fortunate that I.
75
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,899
I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?
76
00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,439
What a jerk.
77
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,884
I don't go
to your stupid country
78
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:57,878
and try to seduce women
with my sexy accent.
79
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,511
That's a great point,
Persian nightclub owner.
80
00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:04,219
Oh, and he's a masseuse.
81
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,592
With a massage,
everything is connected.
82
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:10,591
I can touch your foot,
cleanse your kidney.
83
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,094
I can touch
your earlobe,
84
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,255
and slow your heartbeat.
85
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:18,226
One time, I used warm water
to make a guy pee.
86
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,226
Of course, I didn't
make a career out of it.
87
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:22,298
Career?
88
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:23,696
Such an American idea.
89
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:26,867
My career is living.
Windsurfing.
90
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,537
Making love.
91
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,977
Sometimes at the same time.
92
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,212
BARNEY:
How?
93
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:35,377
How would one do that exactly?
94
00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:39,024
Seriously, don't giggle.
Tell me.
95
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,252
Not possible.
96
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,558
You cannot have sex
on a windsurfing board.
97
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,790
How do you know?
Glad you asked, Lily.
98
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:47,625
I have crafted a list
of every vehicle--
99
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,461
land-based, aquatic
and airborne--
100
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,567
in which/on which it's
possible to have sex.
101
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,869
And of those 33 vehicles,
102
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,641
I have had sex in/on 31.
103
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,370
Windsurfing board,
not on the list, not possible.
104
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:02,337
Oh, P.S., in order
to hit 33, all I need is
105
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:05,506
bobsled and the Apollo 11
space capsule.
106
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,116
To get that last one, you'd have
to break into the Smithsonian.
107
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,578
This conversation
never happened.
108
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:14,148
All right, you're suited up,
I'm bearded down.
109
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,757
Let's get out there
and win this thing.
110
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,559
Yes!
111
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,031
You guys, have fun
on your double date.
112
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:22,299
Oh, for the hundredth time,
I'm sorry, there was a lull.
113
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,930
And then we fell asleep
on the beach
114
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,434
while counting the stars.
115
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:28,336
Do you want to have
dinner with me? Uh, us?
116
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,837
There was no lull.
117
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,641
You just think
he's incredibly hot.
118
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,043
No, I don't!
119
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,244
Not incredibly.
120
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,646
It's a little hard to believe
how hot he is.
121
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:39,509
But, I mean,
122
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:41,377
she's serious
about him.
123
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,315
The girl never marries
the hot guy.
124
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:44,951
Well, you did.
125
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,285
I'm one of the lucky few.
126
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,721
Lily, Ted is our best friend,
127
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:50,987
so let's get something straight:
128
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,594
Male Gayle is not hot.
129
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,497
He's not our friend.
Don't even look at him.
130
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,229
Just... no eye contact.
131
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,534
So that night,
as Lily and Marshall
132
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:00,997
did their best to hate Gael...
133
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:04,444
Hey, Robin. Gael.
134
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:05,842
...Robin pulled me aside
to check in.
135
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,543
Now, I'm sure
she meant the best,
136
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,735
but she said the worst.
137
00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:12,047
I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.
138
00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:14,349
"I just want to make sure
you're okay with this"?
139
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:17,022
Damn it! I can't
believe she's the one
that gets to say that.
140
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,220
She's winning, isn't she?
141
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,021
(chuckles):
Not for long.
142
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,123
Okay, pep talk.
Take a knee.
143
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,685
Ted, tonight we're going to get
144
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,555
you someone way hotter
than Robin.
145
00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:29,004
Okay, Robin's a ten.
146
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,299
Fine, we'll get you a 12.
147
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,971
Or, you know...
148
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,670
two sixes.
149
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,402
Failing that, four threes.
150
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,507
And break glass
in case of emergency,
151
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,569
we'll go to Staten Island,
I'll get you 12 ones.
152
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:43,608
Ted, my boy,
I am going to re-teach you...
153
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,349
Amy.
Ted.
154
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:51,422
Barney.
155
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,086
Ted, we are back!
156
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,055
Up here.
157
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:03,231
Up high.
158
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,873
Fivin' it up
five-style!
159
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,337
I'm sorry this is
all so weird.
160
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,869
Weird, why would it be weird?
161
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,614
Because you used
to date our best friend
162
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,640
or because my wife thinks
163
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,505
your new boyfriend
is incredibly hot?
164
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,354
I do not! Shut up!
165
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,108
Oh, my God!
166
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,178
I just hope Ted's okay.
167
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,346
Hmm.
168
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,824
I hate to see you so tense.
169
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:30,364
I mean, we had a really
clean break up, you know?
170
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,130
We really acted like adults,
171
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,859
so the last thing-- oh!
172
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,164
(moans)
173
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:41,369
Gael, are you a properly
licensed massage therapist?
174
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,371
What?
Are you legally
175
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,743
certified by some type
of governing entity?
176
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:48,383
I train for three years at
an institute in Buenos Aires.
177
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,108
I have a card.
I can show you.
178
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,813
Is the card laminated?
179
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,275
What do you mean "laminated"?
180
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,453
Covered in protective plastic.
181
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,423
Oh, yes.
Damn it.
182
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,151
He checks out.
183
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,518
Ted. Ted.
184
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:05,326
Ted. Ted.
185
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,498
What?!
186
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,132
Let's bail, this
place is dead.
187
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,233
Yeah, you're right.
188
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,574
We're both totally striking out.
189
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,300
Exactly, plus,
190
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,704
we're on a tight schedule.
I've got this entire evening
191
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,267
perfectly planned
out-- spoiler alert:
192
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,365
our last stop is
an after hours club
193
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,837
so after hours, it's
three days from now.
194
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,236
What up.
195
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,777
Are you blind?
196
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,783
I'm making out with a 12.
I am winning.
197
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:29,045
Yeah, but I didn't get to help.
198
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,052
So you're saying
you want me to throw away
199
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:33,824
a super hot girl just because
you didn't help me get her?
200
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:36,064
Apology accepted.
Let's go.
201
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,529
Who's the suit?
202
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,428
This is Barney.
Barney, Amy.
203
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,159
I'm not gonna remember that.
204
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:42,304
Now, if you'll
excuse me,
205
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,859
random chick from
earlier tonight,
206
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,497
as you shall
henceforth be known,
207
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:47,943
Ted and I have a
schedule to keep.
208
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,538
Oh, well, you can check off
8:54, dress up like a dork
209
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:51,911
and bother the cool kids.
210
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,009
Beat it, nerd.
211
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,610
Wow. Wow.
212
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:56,783
Great stuff, Tommy Lee.
213
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,550
See, what you don't
understand is
214
00:07:58,579 --> 00:07:59,949
I'm Ted's wingman.
215
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,450
It's a sacred bond,
much stronger than any...
216
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,582
They're making out again.
217
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,345
(mutters):
Massage therapist.
218
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,086
And you know what, "Gayle"?
219
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:11,162
Your piece of chicken
looks a little tense to me.
220
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:16,531
Oh, oh, does that
feel good, Mr. Chicken?
221
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,134
Well, guess what?
222
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,995
I didn't wash my hands.
223
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,003
Got him.
224
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:24,606
Lily!
225
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:27,338
We carry so much
ancient emotion
226
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,914
in our neck
and shoulders.
227
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,582
Things we should have
let go of years ago.
228
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:34,252
I forgive you, Mom.
229
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:38,353
Lily, we are Ted's
best friends.
230
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,345
Our job is to hate that guy.
231
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:42,657
Oh, yeah,
that's what I was doing.
232
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:45,790
I was just building him up
so a few minutes later,
233
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,596
I could totally cut him down.
234
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,300
Weren't you wearing a bra?
235
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,604
The night was going great.
236
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,766
Amy was cool and dangerous.
237
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:58,805
She found a friend for Barney.
238
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,369
She even paid for drinks...
239
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,477
sort of.
240
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:03,979
They know us here.
241
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,351
You're gonna get
us in trouble.
242
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,548
Tell me something.
243
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,450
Do you ask your tailor
to leave extra room
244
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:11,251
in the crotch
for your huge vagina?
245
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,560
You... your vagina...
246
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,431
Ted, this chick is crazy.
247
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,629
We're leaving.
Good idea.
248
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,001
Let's all go back
to my place.
249
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,799
Your place?
Thanks but no thanks,
250
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:26,531
1994 Courtney Love.
251
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,566
I have a hot tub.
252
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,170
Okay, this is
actually pretty nice.
253
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,977
I like your tatts.
254
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,410
Thanks, you can play
with them if you want.
255
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,776
They're a hundred
percent real.
256
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,952
No, your tatts... toos,
your tattoos.
257
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,615
(laughs)
258
00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,624
Thanks.
259
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,016
You should get one.
260
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:52,757
Wrong. Ted has a classic,
clean-cut look
261
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,193
that never goes out of style
262
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,957
season after season, burn.
263
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,797
Yeah? Well, I think he
would look hot with some ink.
264
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,773
No, he wouldn't.
Yes, he would.
265
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:02,802
No, he wouldn't.
266
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,166
Yuh-huh.
Nuh-uh.
267
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,135
I'm ready to do anything
you want by the way.
268
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:09,614
Anything. Right now.
269
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,548
Ted, who are you gonna side
with on this tattoo thing?
270
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,680
I think I'd look
way hot with some ink.
271
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,146
Yeah, you would.
Yeah.
272
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,854
(groans)
273
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,316
Oh, my God!
Tyler?
274
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,664
Mommy! Daddy!
275
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:25,060
She's back!
276
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:27,902
Damn it, they're supposed
to be in the Hamptons. Run!
277
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,830
Sorry. I used to nanny
278
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,596
for those jerks
before they fired me.
279
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,474
So unfair.
Unfair?
280
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,673
I wouldn't let you take care
of the imaginary kids
281
00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:40,506
I make up to score
with single moms.
282
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:41,710
That's it, Ted.
283
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:42,712
We're going home.
284
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,383
(whistles)
285
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:45,811
Ted?
286
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:48,916
Ted, you okay?
287
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:51,419
Hello, Ted.
Robin and I are about to make
288
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:54,151
fantastic aquatic sex
on this windsurfing board.
289
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,657
And I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.
290
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,104
Okay, how do we do this?
291
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:05,029
I think your leg
goes up, up...
292
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,695
Okay, how about if I, um...
293
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,144
No, mine...
294
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,838
I'm okay.
295
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:12,270
In fact, here's
how okay I am.
296
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,965
I'm getting a tattoo.
297
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,307
You're not getting
a tattoo, it's not you.
298
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,453
Ted, you are heading
down a dark path.
299
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,921
That dark path
is my driveway.
300
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:25,290
But you need a plan
301
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:26,648
and you need a wingman!
302
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,456
This is so going
in my blog!
303
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,761
Want to have sex?
304
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:37,431
Okay.
305
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,504
TED:
And underneath,
306
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,972
it should
say, "I win."
307
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,472
And then it should have
flames coming out the bottom.
308
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:45,814
(gasps):
Fire!
309
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,739
We should start a fire.
310
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:49,705
After this maybe.
311
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:52,283
Oh, man, this is
going to be legend.
312
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:53,582
Wait for it.
313
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:54,923
And that's all I remember.
314
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,718
The next morning,
I woke up alone back home.
315
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,359
(heavy sigh)
316
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,334
(laughs)
317
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,913
Hey, buddy, how
was your night?
318
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,982
You know,
it was great.
319
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:26,851
I met this crazy girl,
I almost got a tattoo.
320
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:27,880
Don't worry.
321
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,775
I didn't, but it was...
322
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,177
It was amazing.
323
00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:34,088
I think it's safe to say,
I am winning this breakup.
324
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,456
(whispers):
Look.
325
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:39,492
Oh, my God.
326
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,556
What?
327
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,863
Nothing.
328
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,425
This J. Crew catalog.
329
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:46,373
Who brings two Golden
Retrievers in a canoe?
330
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,835
(gasps):
We got to
call Barney.
331
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,070
Way ahead of you.
332
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,965
Hey, guys, what's
the big emergency?
333
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,677
Oh, and B the W:
334
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,478
I am never speaking
to Ted again.
335
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:58,580
Mm.
Really? Never?
336
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:02,081
Not even if, say,
butterflies flew out of his ass?
337
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,415
What?
338
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,620
(clears throat)
339
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:05,921
Ted?
340
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,853
Could you grab me
341
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,957
the fondue pot?
342
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:11,790
(whispers):
He has no idea.
343
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:14,656
(gasps)
Mm-hmm.
344
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:17,874
And up we go.
345
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,168
MARSHALL:
Thank you.
346
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,400
Mm-hmm.
347
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,474
What?
348
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:24,242
Ted?
Mm?
349
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:27,011
I came here
this morning because...
350
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,980
I want to apologize.
351
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,979
Apology accepted, Barney.
352
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,811
As you can see, I do
just fine on my own.
353
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,577
I don't need a baby-sitter.
354
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:37,075
BARNEY:
See, all this time,
355
00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,117
I thought you needed
a wingman to fly,
356
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,722
but the truth is, you...
357
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,493
you've got your
own wings now.
358
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,162
TED:
Mm.
359
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,331
Since you and Robin split,
you've been gestating.
360
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:47,559
(stifled laugh)
361
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,964
Growing in your cocoon.
362
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,967
And last night...
(stifled laughter)
363
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:55,369
...you burst out of
that cocoon like a...
364
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,072
like a majestic, uh...
365
00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:01,165
Gosh, what is it that
comes out of a cocoon?
366
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,378
I was always
bad at science.
367
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,310
(quietly):
He's going to say it!
368
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,745
A butterfly?
369
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:07,879
(laughing)
370
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:09,315
(both laughing)
371
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,519
What?
372
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:11,680
Nothing, buddy.
373
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,018
Ow! Why did that hurt so...?
374
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,086
BOTH:
Ooh.
375
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:18,894
(muffled
laughing)
376
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,586
TED:
Oh, my God!
377
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,695
I have a tattoo!
378
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,001
Oh, that's not a tattoo.
379
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,573
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.
380
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,641
A tramp stamp.
381
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,310
You know, a ho tag.
382
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,569
Ass antlers.
383
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,606
A Panama City license plate.
384
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,682
TED:
And suddenly,
it all came back to me.
385
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:39,881
...dary!
(laughing)
386
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,213
Legendary!
387
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,922
Man, I am so winning
this breakup.
388
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:49,423
Mm. I just broke up
with my boyfriend Steve.
389
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,216
He was totally annoying.
He was, like,
390
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,628
"I think you're the one,
I want to marry you."
391
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:54,790
What a wuss.
392
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,097
(laughs)
Do you think
393
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:57,659
exes can be friends?
394
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,167
Yeah, sure.
395
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:01,369
I mean, we're still friends,
right, Steve?
396
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,801
Hey, your
name is Steve.
397
00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:05,766
And her
398
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,105
ex-boyfriend's name is Steve.
399
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,581
What are the odds of that...?
400
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,480
Wait.
401
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,052
(tattoo tool humming)
402
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:16,481
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
403
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,776
Give me this.
404
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:19,047
Aah, aah,
aah, aah!
405
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,386
Oh, yeah, that'll
get it out.
406
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,960
Maybe you should
try club soda.
407
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,319
Ow. Damn it, it really hurts.
I need, like,
408
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,587
some ointment
or something.
409
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,025
What's this?
410
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,530
Spanish massage oil.
411
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,934
Spanish massage oil?
412
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,267
What happened here last night?
413
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:42,636
Last night got weird.
414
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,211
(singing soft melody
in Spanish)
415
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,740
Feel the emotions release.
416
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:16,811
(teary):
Think I just got over
being chunky in the ninth grade.
417
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:19,953
You're beautiful.
418
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,679
I am beautiful.
419
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,817
Experience your food.
420
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,063
*
421
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,631
Try the mango.
422
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:38,366
Okay, that's enough
of the fruit.
423
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:41,673
We're sorry, Ted.
424
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:42,901
It'll never happen again.
425
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,235
It meant
nothing to us.
426
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,141
It just felt really,
really, really good.
427
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,743
Oh! I can't even look
at you two right now.
428
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,175
Ted...
429
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,646
(laughing):
He got a tramp stamp.
430
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,192
(laughter)
431
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:07,928
All right, first of all,
this isn't one of those,
432
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,700
"I came all the way over here
because I want you back" things.
433
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,270
There'll be no startling
confession of love,
434
00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:13,899
no sweet indie rock
song that swells up
435
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:16,573
just as we're about to kiss,
none of that crap. Got it?
436
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,143
Okay.
Good.
437
00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:19,341
Now, here's the thing.
438
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,142
It sucks that you came
back from Argentina
439
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,484
with someone as
awesome as Gael.
440
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:25,279
And I know I have no
right to be upset at you.
441
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:26,982
We're broken up, life
goes on, whatever.
442
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,853
But you know what?
We-We never did this.
443
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,181
We-We had this
polite breakup
444
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,047
with no irrational
yelling, and...
445
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,485
and that's just wrong!
446
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,360
So, I'm going to yell
irrationally for a little while,
447
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,018
and you're just going
to have to stand there
448
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,356
and deal with it, okay?
449
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,991
If you feel like
you need to do that, then...
450
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,156
I think I do!
451
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,634
I really think I do!
452
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,902
So now I'm yelling!
453
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,902
You shaved.
I did!
454
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:51,404
I liked the beard.
I liked it, too, but it
was getting kind of hot!
455
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:54,408
Maybe in the winter,
I'll grow it back out!
456
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:57,311
(quietly):
Okay, I'm done.
457
00:17:57,344 --> 00:18:00,484
I know it was weird
showing up with Gael.
458
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:01,853
I'm sorry.
459
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,853
Look, us breaking up--
it was the right thing.
460
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,915
But it took some time to
get over you, you know?
461
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,155
I-I'm still
getting over you.
462
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,690
But you? You were over it
463
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,764
the minute they started
the in-flight movie.
464
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,033
Over it?!
465
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:16,661
My first three days
in Argentina,
466
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,056
I cried my eyes out.
467
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,567
I missed you
468
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:20,829
so much.
469
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:23,767
I wanted to go
and prove how adventurous I am,
470
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,443
but the truth is...
it was really lonely.
471
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,043
And that's why Gael happened.
472
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:32,105
You weren't trying
to win the breakup?
473
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:34,845
I was trying to survive it.
474
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,121
(sighs)
475
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,479
Okay.
476
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:38,687
No.
477
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:41,318
See, look, that
all sounds good, and
478
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:43,724
we'll still be friends
and move on, but...
479
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,226
did he have to be so hot?
480
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,228
The guy's
an Adonis.
481
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,400
He's not an Adonis.
482
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,358
He's the Cadillac
of rebound guys.
483
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:51,997
Marshall has a
crush on him!
484
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,371
The guy's perfect.
485
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,600
He's not perfect.
486
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:55,704
Oh, come on.
487
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:59,035
He's hot, he wind surfs,
he massages things.
488
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:01,271
Name one way I'm
better than that guy.
489
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,308
You're bigger.
490
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:04,443
Don't patronize
me. If anything,
491
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,147
he may even be a
little bit taller.
492
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:09,149
No. Ted... you're bigger.
493
00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:11,220
I win!
494
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,621
(laughing)
495
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,392
TED:
Kids, I can't remember exactly
496
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,891
what helped me get through
the whole Robin-Gael incident.
497
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:20,063
I'm sure that it was something
profound and meaningful,
498
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,662
and not at all macho and petty,
499
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,425
but after that,
I was back on my feet.
500
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:29,235
And what followed was a new era
in my life, a crazy time
501
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,469
unlike anything
that came before.
502
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,414
It's funny looking back
at those days,
503
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,780
knowing now exactly
what I was heading towards.
504
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:41,609
And what was heading
towards me.
505
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:45,518
* Somebody hold me...
506
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:49,958
(sighs, phone rings)
507
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,119
Go for Barney.
508
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,258
Hey, man, it's Marshall.
509
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:55,734
Check your e-mail.
510
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:56,862
Sent you something.
511
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,226
What is it?
512
00:19:58,265 --> 00:19:59,695
Just a new Web site.
513
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,932
Slapcountdown.com.
514
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:04,998
(beeping)
515
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,737
What does this mean?
516
00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:07,773
(beep)
517
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,207
M-Marshall?
518
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:10,912
Ma...
519
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,289
No.
520
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,288
(beeping)
521
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,820
(screaming):
No!
33056
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