Original subtitles

Put up your hands.

That's an interesting Device you've got there...

First a ladder, then a rope.

- what else does it do? - oh,

Well, I'm glad you asked.

You see, it's a Flashlight, a camera...

Hand it over.

It's also a parachute.

Chief: yes, I will, sir.

We're all here so we Might as well get started.

What I'm about to tell you must Not leave this room. It's top security.

Top security? That calls For the cone of silence, chief.

Max, how do you expect to get five People into something that small?

Thinking like that would have Put the volkswagen people

Out of business a long time ago.

- max! - sorry, chief,

But the manual calls For the cone of silence.

Anytime a situation Like this arises,

You must follow the manual.

All right, max, lower it,

Lower it, lower it!

Take this chair away. Okay, 99, you Get around there with the chief.

You get in here with Me. No, 99, get in front

Of the chief a Little bit. That's it.

Okay, beautiful, beautiful,

Very good. That's perfect.

See, chief? I told You it could be done.

Look at that. There's Room for one more man.

Come on.

- okay, chief, go ahead. - dr. Waldo smith...

- what? - dr. Waldo smith of our p.L.K. Lab,

The man who invented The stolen formula 6076767.

- what's the number? - 6076... Never mind.

It's a false number used To protect the identity

Of the real number.

What's the purpose Of this formula, chief?

I'm sorry, 99, I can't hear You. That's my bad ear.

Oh, do you mind?

I said what is the purpose Of the formula, chief?

You don't have to yell Now, 99. That's my good ear.

- what? - that's my good ear.

I'm sorry, chief. What is The purpose of the formula?

We don't know, but if it Falls into the hands of kaos,

There is no hope For our country.

Chief, is there any evidence As to who might have stolen it?

- what? - I asked, is there any evidence...

Hold... Hold it a minute, fella.

Why don't you get around To the front of the cone?

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I asked, do you have any leads?

- we have been approached. - by whom?

What?

Listen, would you mind stepping To the rear of the cone?

That's much better.

Now who approached you, chief?

We don't know who It was. It was a call

From an informer. He said he'd call back.

- when? - what?

Not what, when?

- when what? - listen, chief,

Can we get out of this stupid Cone? We can't hear each other.

What, max?!

That's all for now. Ashkenazi, Crilleader, return to your posts.

- right, sir. - yes, sir.

- who are they, chief? - well...

Forget it!

Well, chief, I guess there's Nothing left for us to do

But to stay here and Wait for that phone call.

Excuse me, 99. Hello?

It's dr. Smith.

Hold on, dr. Smith, we'll Put you on the screen.

Max: the professor Sure took a beating

when kaos stole the formula.

Hello, dr. Smith, How are you feeling?

Fine, except for this Brain concussion.

Any news from our informer?

Not yet. Dr. Smith,

Could you describe the Capabilities of your formula?

Oh, yes, certainly. It's a catalytic agent

That turns water into vapor.

Uh, pardon me.

One drop of it is powerful Enough to dry up a body of water

The size of lake erie In less than an hour.

we have some Photographic evidence here...

Yes, that might Prove illuminating.

Finletter, my assistant, Was on this boat.

He was attacked by kaos Agents, and in order to escape them

He dove overboard, Forgetting he had

An ounce of the Formula in his pocket.

This is the same body of Water after he landed in it.

Poor finletter.

He's the only man who Ever drowned in dirt.

If kaos does control this Formula, in a matter of days

Every american will die Of thirst and starvation.

Pardon me.

Is our connection getting fuzzy?

No.

Then I'm going to faint.

- dr. Smith! Dr. Smith! - chief, contact's been made on my phone.

The informant wants To make an arrangement.

- he's gonna call back in five minutes. - thank you, crilleader.

- at last. - who's assigned to this case, chief?

Let's see who's number's up.

84.

- is agent 84 out there? - man: not here.

85. How about 85?

not here either.

Agent 86?

That's me, chief.

Man: melvin spearman, Paging mr. Melvin spearman.

Boy, I'm mr. Spearman.

Phone for you, Sir. Right this way.

- hello, chief. - how'd you know it was me, max?

Well, you see, chief, You're the only one

That I gave the cover Name melvin spearman to.

99 knows me as...

You're using more than One pseudonym on this case?

That's right, chief.

You see, that Way, if I get a call

And I'm not able to answer it

At least I know Who to call back.

Seems to make sense, And that worries me.

- have you made contact yet, max? - no, I haven't, chief.

Our man certainly picked an Odd place to hold a meeting.

There's a big awards Luncheon here

And the place is Full of celebrities.

Milton steeple, paging Mr. Milton steeple.

- hold on a minute, chief. - milton...

- I'll take that. - but it's not for you, mr. Spearman,

- it's for mr. Milton steeple. - I'm milton steeple.

- you're mr. Steeple, mr. Spearman? - yes.

Steeple is my maiden name.

Here's another half-dollar.

Hello, 99?

Hello, max. I'm at the Control savings & loan bank.

How much money do you need?

Well, I haven't Made contact yet.

You can only Withdraw $25,000, max.

Only $25,000? Why?

There's a new ceiling on bribes.

That's ridiculous!

Did you tell them it could mean The end of the united states?

How do you think I Got them up to $25,000?

Hold on, 99.

Hello, chief? 99 tells Me that the top price

They'll pay for Information is $25,000.

That's right, max. We're trying

To cooperate with the President, fight inflation.

But, chief, $25,000 is no kind of Money to pay for information.

Maxwell smart! Paging maxwell smart!

- 86, aren't they paging maxwell smart? - yes, chief.

- aren't you going to answer it? - no, sir.

why not?

I'm not using the name Maxwell smart on this case.

Max, that could be the contact.

- paging maxwell smart! - I'm maxwell smart.

You're maxwell smart too?

Well, you should have told me Sooner. We've got a special today,

Three for $1.

That phone.

- hello? - smart?

- who is this? - I've got the information you want.

I think it's time We met and talked.

Hold on.

- chief? - no, max, this is 99.

- how much do you want? - I don't know yet. Hold on.

- hello, chief? - no, max, this is 99.

Hold on.

Hello, chief, he Wants to make a deal.

- ask him how much. - right.

How much do you want?

Max, that's what I asked you.

Sorry, wrong number.

- how much do you want? - what's your top?

$25,000.

- honestly? - have I ever lied to you?

All right. Meet Me at precisely 4:00

In the revolving Door of the hotel.

in the revolving door?

That way you're Always in front of me.

Yes, hold on.

Hello, chief, $25,000 is okay.

I'm to meet him in the revolving Door at this hotel, 4:00.

99 and I will back you up.

Tell her to meet me Under the lobby clock.

Right, chief.

Hello? You're to meet the Chief under the lobby clock.

What did you say?

Max: sorry, sir, I'll connect you.

Hello, 99, meet the chief at The hotel under the clock.

Right, max.

Hello, it's a deal.

- 4:00, in the revolving door. - 4:00.

Everything's set. Goodbye, chief.

So long, 99.

Goodbye, whoever you are.

Siegelman! Paging Miss mildred siegelman!

Mildred siegelman?

I don't think so, but I'd Better take it just in case.

Hello, this is mildred.

Don't turn around, mr. Smart.

Well, you certainly took your Sweet time about getting here.

I had to be careful. I Thought I was being followed.

- you have the money? - you have the information?

Not until I get the money.

First the information.

- the money! - the information.

All right, we can keep going around In circles like this all night long.

maybe you can,

But I've got just about one More trip left in me before...

I think that was it.

All right, I'll trust you.

The formula was stolen by...

Right over there On the couch, max.

I'm in pain.

Don't exert yourself.

- 99, get the house doctor, will you? - right away, chief.

Max, do you have Any idea who this is?

I've seen that face Somewhere before, chief.

I've got it! That's Russell bediyoskin,

The famous movie actor. He plays character parts.

Are you sure?

I'm in pain.

Are you russell bediyoskin?

Help, I'm...

You recognized me.

Are you kidding? You're One of my favorite actors.

I'll never forget Your great dying scene

in "The edge of darkness."

I... I'm very good at dying.

In my new picture I do a Dying scene you won't believe.

Authentic.

I never knew how authentic.

You'll never top "Edge of darkness."

Max, forget the movies. Ask him.

- ask him what? - you know what. Ask him.

Chief, I can't ask a man for His autograph at a time like this.

That's all right. Have you got a pen?

Mr. Bediyoskin, we Just want to know:

Who was it that Stole the formula?

What?

- what'd he say? - he wants to be turned around.

- this is his good side... - man: chief, kaos is on tv!

Man: and if we do not receive

$1 billion... I repeat,

$1 billion... Within 48 hours,

We will unleash The terrifying power

Of formula 6076767.

your country will be Turned into a wasteland.

Remember, friends,

Now only kaos Has formula 6076767,

known to scientists Around the world

By the trade name "Dry up."

D-r-y-u-p!

A product now of Kaos, incorporated.

That's not a bad little show.

Oughta be on earlier For the kiddies.

What do you make of this, max? Do you think they're bluffing?

Pardon me, sir.

Your vest button is flashing.

Get lost, fella.

I hate drunks.

What are you, Some kind of a bigot?

- what's with your vest? - it's my shoe phone, chief.

I had a light installed Instead of a ring.

It's less conspicuous.

It certainly is.

86 here.

Yes, sir. Yes, he is, sir.

Just a moment, sir.

- what'd you just do? - I put the call on hold.

It's for you, chief. It's him.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, We saw the telecast.

Yes, in color. Yes, It was very pretty.

No, sir, we haven't been Idle. We have a witness.

Unfortunately, he's been shot

And we have to rush Him to a hospital.

Don't worry, sir, we'll Get that formula back,

Even if it means our lives.

Yes, sir. He's calling An emergency session

Of all our top Security officials.

What did he say, chief,

When you told him we'd get the Formula back even if it meant our lives?

He said we'd have to do better Than that. Here's the doctor now.

doctor?

Yes, I'm the hotel Doctor. You sent for me?

- yes, right this way, doctor. - all right.

- is this the patient? - yes he is.

- he's been shot. - I'm the doctor, I'll make the diagnosis.

Please hurry up. This is a Government emergency.

How does bediyoskin Fit into all this?

Why does a man of his reputation Need money so desperately?

Man: I can answer that.

And just who are you?

I am otto hurrah.

The same otto hurrah Who made "Edge of morning"?

The same, the Only, the original.

I'm glad you liked the picture.

You did like the picture?

I liked it so much, I saw it once.

Mr. Hurrah, do you Know russell bediyoskin?

- do I know russell bediyoskin? - yes.

It's unfortunate. He's my friend...

My friend who gambled Away his home, his wife,

And now perhaps his life.

Please, I would like to help.

If he needs anything... Money, blood, publicity...

What kind of Gambler is bediyoskin?

A losing one. It Doesn't matter...

Horses, dice, cards... He loses.

He's always on the edge of ruin.

Edge... Of ruin...

Not a bad title.

I love it.

Chief, the hotel doctor Is coming right down.

He's here already, 99.

That's not the hotel doctor.

- are you sure? - I'm absolutely positive.

The hotel doctor is a Woman. I just spoke to her.

A hypodermic needle?

Good work, max. Is he dead?

I think so, chief. Unless the Stuff in that hypodermic needle

Is penicillin, and I don't think it is.

Whatever he was going To inject bediyoskin with,

It would have Killed him instantly.

This is terrible!

One man killed and another man Wounded. Where are the police?

Well, we called them Before, but the line was busy.

Well, if you have no further Need for me, I will be on my way.

Otto hurrah will say goodbye.

Goodbye.

Chief, we've got to get Bediyoskin out of here right away.

Right. If we don't, Kaos will kill him

Before we can get him into Protective custody at the hospital.

But we'd better use our own Ambulance, disguised, of course.

What's available to us, 99?

Well, we have one ambulance Disguised as a flower truck

And another disguised As a bakery truck.

No good. We can't have them Speeding without attracting attention.

Max: wait a minute, chief.

Don't we have an ambulance Disguised as a garbage truck?

How can you explain a garbage Truck going 80 miles an hour in traffic?

Special delivery?

We have an ambulance Disguised as an ambulance.

We'll use the bakery truck.

- we'll have to get him out the back way. - I don't think

We should lift him. We'd better Carry him out on the couch.

Men...

Larrabee, clear The lobby. Careful.

Now we'll have to find somebody

To substitute for bediyoskin In the regular ambulance.

Yes, and we're gonna need Another couch too, chief.

Chief, whoever goes in that Ambulance is on a suicide mission.

I know, 99, but we've Got to have a decoy.

Who have you got in mind, chief?

Both: you, max.

Good luck, max.

Chief, what's wrong?

Nothing, 99. It's just not easy

Sending men out on missions Knowing they may never come back.

Last week... Two assignments, Two agents killed...

Balzac and nicholson.

I feel like a jinx.

Oh, chief, you're Just having bad luck.

He's having better luck Than balzac and nicholson.

Chief: over here, men.

Now be gentle with him. He's Got a bullet lodged in his ribcage.

Move the coffee table.

Be careful.

Gentlemen.

What hospital are You taking him to?

washington general.

So far so good. Now we've Got to take care of bediyoskin.

Right, chief.

Got your silencer on?

Okay, let him have it.

Hold it. It's a cop.