Original subtitles

- anything yet? - no, sir.

- hi, chief. - hello, max.

Well, we got here as fast As we could. What's up?

Well, I'm sorry to disturb You in the middle of the night

But we're facing A terrible crisis...

The possible destruction Of the entire world.

Well, couldn't it have Waited until morning?

What happened, chief?

- kaos has a nuclear bomb. - doesn't everybody?

Max, kaos is the only private Organization to have the bomb.

Don't you know what that means?

Their stock will go way up.

It means that they Can use the bomb

Without fear of retaliation.

They are not a country And we don't know

The location of Their missile base.

Could kaos be bluffing, chief?

Well, they promised to prove it

In exactly 72 hours

- if we don't give them what they want. - how?

By blowing up one of America's largest cities.

Did they say what city?

All we know is that They threatened

To wipe out the city containing

Our finest intellectual Minds and greatest leaders.

Well, at least Washington is safe.

What does kaos want, chief?

Kaos wants the total disarmament

Of every nuclear Nation in the world.

But chief, if we give them that,

They'll be the only Ones with the bomb.

Why, they could rule the world.

And if we don't, they'll Blow it up city by city.

What are we going to do, chief?

Wait a minute. That Must be collins.

- who's collins? - collins is our agent in algiers.

He's checking out a lead That the kaos missile base

May be somewhere In the sahara desert.

What's the matter, larrabee?

I don't know. He Stopped sending.

That means kaos must Have caught up with him.

It's ironic. Today marked his 10th year as a control agent.

- send that, larrabee. - what's that?

"Happy anniversary."

This is it.

It's not much to go on.

But forsythe, the british agent Who was working with collins,

Located the arab informer. And From what he was able to learn,

We're quite sure That the missile base

Is located somewhere In that area.

Well, that's great, chief. Now all we have to do

Is to send in some Low-level bombers...

No, that won't do it, max. The base is underground.

Now, we'll have to send in Two agents to do the job,

And we've got less Than 72 hours left.

the pentagon has ordered Me to hand-pick two people...

Two people who can Work together as a team,

Who know how each Other will think and react...

two people who will form

a perfectly balanced Coordinating team.

- chief, I know just the team. - who?

Huntley and brinkley.

Max, I need two control agents.

We could swear them in.

Please, max, I've Made up my mind.

- you and 99 are going. - right, chief.

Now I really hate to Hand you this assignment,

But I have no other choice. You're The best working team I've got.

Well, we won't let You down, chief.

Max, this will undoubtedly be

The most dangerous Mission you've ever gone on.

You probably Won't get back alive.

If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time.

I don't know the meaning Of the word "Fear."

You'll have to Parachute from 6,000 feet.

I think I just learned it.

Max, have you ever Jumped from a plane?

- yes, chief, once during the war. - when?

Just before it took Off for overseas.

Max, will you and 99 go down to the Lab and check out your equipment?

Here's something you can Eat in case of an emergency.

- our uniforms? - no, the buttons.

Mmm. Salted. Good.

In extreme heat, salt Is essential to the diet.

But be sure you don't eat the Top button of your uniform, 86.

Why?

It's a geiger counter. When you come close

To where the missiles are Buried, it will start beeping.

Oh, the old Beeping-button trick.

Well, that's it. You'd Better get started.

Your plane takes Off in 30 minutes.

99, I wonder where forsythe is.

He was supposed to Be here an hour ago.

Max, look. Is that him?

I hope so.

Forsythe?

Maxwell smart?

- yes, and this is agent 99. - hello.

Sorry we're late.

We had some difficulty slipping Out of casablanca last night.

I see. Who's that?

Oh, this is hassein. He'll Guide us to the missile base.

Oh, glad to have You along, hassein.

- doesn't he understand english? - perfectly,

But kaos had his tongue cut out

Because he was an informer.

I see.

What did he say?

He's telling us We'd better move on.

And I think he's Right. Come on, 99.

All right, all right. We're Coming hassein. No need to holler.

Forsythe, I think We're being followed.

99, forsythe's been hit.

Forsythe, where Have you been hit?

He's trying to say Something, max.

- he's dead. - what did he say?

He asked me to get My knee off his chest.

Do you think they're Still following us, max?

Probably, 99. They're Not going to give up

Until they get Every last one of us.

If only they'd come out And show themselves,

At least we'd have a Chance to fight back.

That's their strategy, max.

They undermine their enemy And make them more vulnerable.

What we've got to do is keep Far enough ahead of them

- so that we are out of range. - right, max.

It isn't going to be easy, 99. This heat is vicious.

We've got to keep going, max.

- wait a minute, 99. - what is it?

- I've got an idea. - what?

Why don't we sleep during The day and walk at night?

- oh, max, there's no time. - oh, okay.

How about sleeping during The day and running at night?

Max, there's no Time to sleep at all.

- we've got to keep going. - right, 99.

- max! - where's your canteen?

Oh, it's in my pack with The rest of my gear.

Well, don't you think you Ought to keep your water handy?

Not necessarily, 99.

You see, because of My rugged training,

I have tremendous endurance.

Why I am practically impervious To sun, heat and thirst.

I can go miles and miles and miles Without touching a drop of water.

- you can? - I have to.

I forgot to fill my Canteen before we left.

Here, use mine.

Oh, no no no, 99. I Wouldn't touch that.

It's a well-known fact that men can Stand the heat a lot better than women.

Max, it's the other way around.

It is?

Be careful, max. Some of That is getting in your mouth.

Thank you, 99.

You're welcome, max.

Max, what's happening?

Max, look, hassein is waving to Us. He's trying to tell us something.

Come on, 99.

It's getting worse, max!

We'll never live through it.

99, my throat is scorched. I can hardly swallow.

I know, max.

Listen, 99, I know This is a long shot,

But I've got to ask you anyway.

What is it, max?

You don't happen to have a Can of cold beer on you, do you?

Max!

Max, where are you?

Right here, 99.

Oh, max.

You won't believe this, 99,

But I'm standing on my toes.

Max.

Max, I don't see Hassein anywhere.

He must have gone Off and left us.

Max, we're lost. We Don't know where we are.

I know, 99.

I'm going to take a look Over that sand dune.

What is it, max?

What is it, max?

It's hassein. They Buried him up to his neck

And put a canteen of Water just out of his reach.

Oh, those dirty, evil,

Rotten, barbaric...

99, shh. Keep your voice down.

We don't want to get them Any madder than they are now.

Max, have you lost your buttons?

I was hungry, 99.

But, max, why did You eat them all?

Why didn't you save Some for later?

Did you ever try to eat Just one salted button?

Once you get Started, you can't stop.

Max, you didn't Eat the top button.

Oh, no, 99, I...

Oh, max, you ate The geiger counter!

I thought one Tasted a little stale.

Now what are we going to do?

I don't know, 99, but I've got To have another salted button.

I've just got to Have one more...

Just one more salted button.

No, max, don't.

99, I've got to Have that button.

Max, if you eat that Button, my clothes will...

I don't care, 99. I've got To have that button.

I'm warning you, max. If You come one step closer...

99, give me that button.

Thank you, 99. I needed that.

Now can I please Have that button?

Get hold of yourself!

We've got 24 hours to find That missile base and destroy it.

You're right, 99.

Come on. Let's get moving.

Good thinking, max.

Keep going, 99. We've Got to keep going.

Oh, go on without me, max.

I can't go any further.

Of course you can, 99.

You said that an hour ago And look how far we've come.

- how far have we come? - about 30 yards.

We're using up all our energy Getting up and falling down.

I think we'd do a Lot better if we

Just stayed down Here and crawled.

We're not going to make it, max.

They're going to Find us here dead.

Max, look!

Look! We're saved!

- where? Where, 99? - out there, straight ahead.

I don't see anything.

Oh, max, can't you see It? As clear as day...

An orange juice stand!

- an orange juice stand? - yes, I can see it. Right out there.

Where? Where, 99? I Don't see anything.

Oh, max. Straight ahead.

No, it's a mirage, 99. It's a mirage.

You're seeing things.

- are you sure? - I'm positive, 99.

One large orange, please.

Max, where are we?

Heaven?

I don't think so.

Then it must be an Arabian playboy club.

You are in the Humble tent of ahmad,

A simple bedouin trader.

I see. How long Have we been here?

A mere hour or so.

We found you lost And dying in the desert.

Well, we're certainly indebted To you for saving our lives.

Tell me how it came to be

That the two of you

Were wandering Alone in the desert.

Uh, yes, well, you see...

We're on our honeymoon.

In the middle of the sahara?

Yes...

Well, you see my wife happens To be crazy about the beach.

you are welcome In the camp of ahmad

For as long as you wish to stay.

We will do everything to Make your stay enjoyable.

well, thank you Very much, ahmad.

But I have some very important Business to take care of,

And I'm afraid it can't wait.

If you must move On, may I suggest

You wait until dark and Travel in the cool of the night?

Well, thank you very much, Ahmad, but we must be moving on.

- time is of the essence. - ahmad.

If mr. Smart's Business is so urgent,

then perhaps it would Be rude of us to delay him.

Nonsense, jamal. Where Is your hospitality?

Our guests will dine With us this evening,

And I shall have my daughter Fatima dance for them.

Well, we certainly wouldn't Want to offend your generosity.

We'd be most happy to dine With you and leave tonight.

Splendid. I shall make the Arrangements for your departure.

Would you like a camel?

No thanks. I'm Trying to cut down.

Ahmad, why are we Being so nice to them?

They are control agents.

Why do we not cut their throats?

No. If we kill them, other control Agents will take their place.

But if we overextend ourselves With kindness and hospitality,

They will leave here never Suspecting that we are kaos.

But is it not dangerous That they be here?

They are liable to Find our missiles.

Hardly. The missiles Are well disguised,

And they could never find The underground entrance

As no one is allowed to enter The tent of my daughter's.

Besides, they're not suspicious.

What if they get suspicious?

Then they will die.

Now put your dagger Back in your scabbard.

Ahmad...

What is it?

I do not have a scabbard.

You do now.

We must see to it that Smart and that girl

Make their way Back to civilization

And report that there is no kaos Missile base here in the sahara.

Then when they search The rest of the world,

We will be free to Unleash our missiles

And destroy their Cities one by one.

Yes. First new york,

Then london, paris, rome...

- tel aviv. - no, not tel aviv.

Why not tel aviv?

Really? You don't look it.

What's the matter, my friend?

Not feeling well?

I'm afraid I've had a little Too much wine, ahmad.

I wonder if you would think It was terribly rude of me

If I stepped outside For a bit of fresh air.

May allah go with you.

Oh, thank you, but I'd rather go alone.

Hi.

Now look, fella, I Don't want any trouble.

But I'm going to Search this tent.

Do the words, "Get out" Mean anything to you?

Okay, there's a little Saying you may have heard of.

It goes like this... "The bigger They come, the harder they fall."

Haven't heard of that one, eh?

Okay, here's one you may like...

"The quality of Mercy is not strained."

Good.

Move out with the caravan. We'll join you in a few minutes.

The missile is set to Go off in 30 minutes.

New york is the target.

Splendid.

Now the world will know That kaos keeps their threats.

As for you and the Young lady, mr. Smart,

I leave you to the mercy of The unmerciful desert sun.

You'll never get Away with this, ahmad.

Goodbye, mr. Smart.

I guess this is it, max.

It's no use, 99. I can't Get these ropes untied.

Max, look. Someone's coming.

Fatima, what are you doing here?

I sneaked away and Came back to save you.

But why would you want to Save us? You're ahmad's daughter.

He lied. I am not his Daughter. I was his slave.

I have been waiting for the Right opportunity to escape.

Then it was you who inscribed the Message in the bottom of the goblet.

- yes. - here, cut 99's ropes.

I'm going to the control panel.

Max! Max!

Well...

That does it, 99.

That's marvelous, max. How did you do it so fast?

Well, I didn't have time To dismantle the missile

So I reset the Directional control.

It's set to go off In a few minutes.

- for where? - straight up then straight down.

It will wipe out everything... The control room and the missile.

And us!

Oh, max, what do we do now?

Run 99, run.

Well, there it goes, 99.

Oh, max. What a terrible Weapon of destruction.

Yes. You know, china, Russia and france

Should outlaw all Nuclear weapons.

We should insist upon it.

What if they won't, max?

Then we may have to blast them.

It's the only way to Keep peace in the world.