Original subtitles

Woman over p.A.: flight 93 from boston

now arriving, gate 7.

Max, why does professor Whitaker have to transmit

His rocket fuel formula to The american scientists verbally?

Because, 99, the Formula is so vital

That the british refuse to have It transmitted any other way.

There's absolutely nothing on paper. It's all in professor whitaker's head.

I'll bet there are a lot of countries That would like to get hold of the formula.

You bet your sweet life there Are... China, russia, uruguay...

Max, uruguay doesn't Have any rockets.

Of course they don't Have any rockets, 99,

But if they ever get some, They'll have the fuel for them.

The chief says that british Intelligence has assigned an agent

Named alex chain to Protect the professor,

And that the mission Is considered so vital

That he's listed as expendable.

Woman over p.A.: flight 704 From london now arriving...

That's their flight, max.

flight 704 from London now arriving...

They were supposed to Meet us here, weren't they?

- yes, they said they would be here. - yes, all right.

- professor whitaker? - yes?

- I'm maxwell smart. - oh, how do you do?

How do you do? This is agent 99.

So nice to meet you. And this is mr. Chain.

How do you do?

How do you do? Now professor whitaker, If you'll be kind enough to come with us.

Yes, of course.

Woman over p.A.: Professor whitaker, phone call.

- excuse me, please. - professor whitaker, phone call.

Excuse me.

Max, look!

Good work, 13.

Anytime, 86.

It's a lucky thing for Me you were in there.

I've been in here for 72 Hours without a break.

72 hours? You must be starved.

No, but I'm dying for a smoke.

Max, at this moment, America's greatest scientists

Are on their way here to Meet with professor whitaker.

Will our top scientist, Professor einstock, be here?

I had to pull a lot of strings, But I finally convinced his employer

That it was essential for The security of our nation.

- who does he work for, chief? - the wattel toy company.

The meeting is Going to be held here

In this office tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, to ensure Professor whitaker's safety,

I want him to stay at Your apartment tonight.

Oh, not my apartment Again, chief.

I'm getting complaints From the landlord

About the gun Battles in the hall

And the bombs in the lobby and The knife fights in the elevator.

When you rent an apartment to a secret Agent, you'd better expect those things.

But, chief, he doesn't Know I'm a secret agent.

Then how do you explain people Attacking you and shooting at you?

Well, I told him I worked for The bureau of internal revenue.

Max, a hotel is too vulnerable. It has to be your apartment.

With all those secret security Devices and protective weapons,

It's the only place where the Professor will be really safe.

now max, I want you to use All anti-kidnapping measures.

Kidnapping? But they tried To kill him at the airport.

No, max, those were Not conventional bullets

They used. They used Tranquilizer pellets.

They intended to Kidnap the professor.

Max, whitaker and chain Are outside waiting for you.

I want you to take Them to you apartment.

Now remember, kaos is Expert in the art of kidnapping.

I know, chief. Do you Remember the time

That kaos kidnapped agent 95?

They tortured him for 30 days.

By the time we rescued Him, he was a total loss.

Why, he was ranting and raving. You Couldn't understand a word he said.

- whatever happened to agent 95? - he went into politics.

Gentlemen, professor whitaker

Has arrived safely

Because of the blundering Of agent sidney here.

Ah. The rest of you have never Seen pictures of professor whitaker.

I want you to examine These photographs

And burn his face Into your mind.

Now these are Pictures of alex chain,

The british secret service agent Assigned to guard the professor.

Remember his face also.

Now before we continue With the business at hand,

Agent sidney here will give Us the kaos financial report.

For the fiscal year just ended,

Kaos, incorporated, showed A gross income of $980 million,

Which after taxes

Left us a net income Of $980 million.

The figures speak For themselves.

We've had a lousy year.

Our stock is dropping rapidly.

It hasn't been this low Since the day hitler died.

Sidney: we must kidnap Professor whitaker

And make him divulge the Secret rocket formula

and sell it on the open market.

Otherwise there'll be no christmas Bonus come mussolini's birthday.

Now if you happen To find yourself

Looking down the Barrel of a kaos revolver,

You merely ask for a last drink.

Nobody could refuse a Chap a request like that.

Now,

When you release the Handle on this soda siphon,

It triggers that Wall lamp over there.

Watch.

It never misses.

Yes yes yes. Dastardly clever.

Brilliant.

Sorry, sir. Are you All right, professor?

Yes yes yes yes. But Don't worry about me.

Go ahead and answer the phone.

But the phone isn't ringing.

It isn't? Oh.

Well, perhaps they'll Call back later.

Now, professor, this is An extremely clever device

In case you're Taken by surprise.

You merely reach over and Press one of these buttons.

What's it do?

Well, it releases a Net from the ceiling

That falls and Traps your assailant.

How ingenious. Is It this button here?

No, it is not that button There. It's this button here.

Now I must warn You, professor, never,

Never at any time Sit in this chair.

- why not? - because there is a revolver

Concealed in the Arm of this chair,

And when you sit on the cushions, It releases the trigger mechanism.

Anybody standing in front of This chair will be killed instantly.

Oh, dear. Well, I'm glad You told me, mr. Smart.

Is there anything else we Should be acquainted with?

Yes, there's one more thing, Professor. Come with me.

An invisible shield.

A ceiling-to-floor, Wall-to-wall, plastic shield.

Bulletproof, airtight, And completely invisible.

Well, where is it? How does it work?

It's really quite Simple, professor.

It works when I sit on the Edge of the desk like this.

I have just lowered The invisible shield.

Now, nobody on that side Of the room can reach us.

Bullets, poison gas,

Nothing that kaos can Dream up can reach us.

Why, you can't even see A reflection or a glare.

yes, I know, professor.

But believe me, The invisible shield

Is right behind you.

Who moved the desk?

I must personally congratulate Your control scientists

For creating such brilliant Methods of protection.

Well, thank you very much. That's Very kind of you. It's quite a compliment.

Yes yes. Well, with such devices

And you and Mr. Chain to guard me,

My life is 100% safe.

You're very kind, sir.

Well, would you believe...

90%?

Professor whitaker Is sound asleep.

Good. Well, I hope this won't Be too uncomfortable for you.

Oh, don't give it a thought.

What are you doing?

Standard procedures

In cases of joint security.

One of us gets up, he'll Wake the other one up.

But as I remember this,

You're supposed to tie one End of this to the professor.

I know that, chain,

But I didn't have a piece Of string long enough.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

The door. There's Somebody at the door.

Gentlemen, th-th...

There's somebody At the door! Oh!

Get him! Get him!

There's somebody at the window!

But who's this?

It's the professor. Sorry About that, professor.

Well, I guess that takes Care of our late visitor.

- yes. - good shooting, professor.

Oh, well, uh, thank you.

Uh, from hunting Grouse, you know.

Well, now that They've tried and failed,

I guess we can all go back to Bed and get a good night's sleep,

Undisturbed.

You're underestimating The enemy, my friend.

Kaos never gives up.

I give up.

This just hasn't been Your day, has it, sidney?

So why do I allow you To remain with kaos?

I give you opportunity after Opportunity, and yet you keep failing!

So why do I keep giving You another chance?

Sidney, tell me why.

I don't know, uncle boris.

Sidney, pass me The boom-boom box.

Good, sidney. Very good.

You see, when you Put your mind to it,

You can do something.

Gentlemen,

I have placed a bomb in the Living room of the apartment

That will kill agents Smart and chain.

But professor whitaker... He'll be Killed and we'll lose the formula.

The professor is asleep In the upstairs bedroom.

He'll be safe from the blast.

The bomb is remotely controlled

From this box.

When I press that button, The bomb is activated

To explode at 12:00 midnight...

Exactly five minutes from now.

What's wrong now?

I have to put this Alarm clock someplace.

The ticking is keeping me awake.

Smart, that clock isn't ticking.

It's an electric alarm clock.

Oh. Then it's probably a bomb.

Both: a bomb?!

Get ahold of everything that Ticks and throw it out the window!

Ah, this here.

That one.

What are you doing? That was no Clock! That was a priceless vase!

- oh, I'm sorry about that, old bean. - what's going on here?

It's nothing, professor. Kaos Just planted a bomb in my apartment.

Shh!

Our watches. Quick, get Rid of your wristwatches.

Yes, you've got it. Here, here.

Shh!

It's still here.

It's coming from the desk.

- it's coming from the desk. - it's coming from the desk.

It's "Doming" from the "Cesk."

It's "Doming" from the "Cesk"?

What are you talking about? Shh!

A bomb must be planted Somewhere in the desk.

Now, let's see. Wait a minute.

That pack of cigarettes. I've never Seen that before. That's not even my brand.

- it's not my brand either. - and I smoke a pipe.

Well, then, kaos must have disguised The bomb as a pack of cigarettes.

Why, there's no telling How long it's been here.

It could go off any Second! I'd better get...

Don't touch it! Don't you know That anything that portable

Could go off with the Slightest movement?

I'll get a pail of water, And we'll submerge it.

Good. Now, professor, look.

I want you to stand Right over here.

Now I'm going to lower The invisible shield.

That way, if the bomb Goes off, you'll be safe.

Yes yes.

Just don't sit there! Come on!

Be careful!

Easy does it now.

In a moment, we should have Ourselves an ineffective time bomb.

Or a pack of soggy cigarettes.

Oh, good show, smart!

Good show!

What kind of a crazy Bomb is that? It likes water!

Get it out! It might Explode any minute!

Have you ever dismantled One of these things?

No, but I once saw One of our agents do it.

He was awarded a Medal by the queen.

Posthumously, of course.

Yes. Well,

I've got some tools Here someplace.

We're gonna have To take a chance

And dismantle this ourselves.

Now I want you to Get a pencil and paper

And write down everything I do.

In case anything goes wrong, the Chief will want a complete report.

- right. - let's see here.

I'm ready to start.

He's ready to start.

Uh-huh. Look at this, chain.

It has a hair-trigger release

And a delayed-action circuit.

Hair-trigger release,

Delayed-action circuit.

- mind if I smoke? - are you kidding?

Do you know how Dangerous that could be?

Oh, it's all right. I don't inhale.

Chain, look.

There's the automatic timer.

It's set to go off At 12:00 midnight.

Well, it's almost that now. We've only a few seconds left.

Wait a minute, now.

Easy does it.

I've got the detonator Wire... Right here.

In my hand.

The detonator wire must have Pulled out when it fell on the floor.

Oh, smart, that was a close one.

Hello.

Max I was just about to leave the Office. How's everything going there?

Well, chief, we Just had a close one.

Kaos tried to get rid of Chain and me by planting a bomb.

- what? - it's okay, chief. We dismantled it.

What about professor Whitaker? Is he all right?

He's perfectly okay, chief.

- do you want to talk to him? - yes.

Uh, professor whitaker, The chief wants to talk to you.

Uh, chief,

I wonder if you could Call back in a little while.

Professor whitaker is sleeping.

We have failed again!

At this very moment, professor Whitaker is at control headquarters

Transmitting the rocket fuel Formula to those u.S. Scientists.

It is now too late For kidnapping.

If we can't have the Formula, nobody else will.

Professor whitaker Must be killed!

But we can't get into control Headquarters to kill him.

Then we must find a way to Draw him out of the building

Before he completes The transmission.

But how? How?

Does anybody here Have an answer?

What would make him walk out Of a meeting of such importance?

Sidney...

Sidney, I asked for an Answer, not a question.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Doesn't the Professor have a niece

Attending a private School in new england?

Yes, he does.

Well, that, gentlemen,

Is our answer.

You've done a fine job, Max. Another few hours,

And our scientists will have the Last of the rocket fuel formula.

Chief, have all of these Men been checked out?

Max! These are the most distinguished Minds in our defense department.

They've devoted their Lives to their country.

Each one has the nobel prize and The distinguished service medal,

And each is a special advisor to The president of the united states.

I know that, 99, but Can they be trusted?

- chief? - what is it, larrabee?

I'm sorry to disturb you, But I think this is important.

What is it?

- it's a message from the professor. - oh, thank you.

Excuse me, professor. This Wire just came in from your niece.

- cynthia? Is she all right? - oh, yes, she's fine,

But there's an urgency involved.

- I thought you ought to see it right away. - oh, thank you.

- what is it, chief? - the professor's niece

Is leaving school And eloping to mexico.

She's changing planes at the washington Airport and wants her uncle to meet her.

- she'll only have a few minutes. - just like her mother...

Beautiful but headstrong.

Strange. She never mentioned Anyone in her letters.

Professor, under the circumstances, I'm afraid I can't let you go.

Oh, but I must. The Duty of a guardian

Sometimes exceeds The duty of a scientist.

- I could send chain or smart. - no no no no no.

This is something a girl would Only discuss with her family.

I am sorry, but I must Go. Excuse me, please.

No, chain, you stay here.

Max, you and 99 go to the airport With the professor, and be careful.

Don't worry, chief. We'll be all right.

Chief, I still don't Trust these men.

I'm gonna station a couple of Extra guards outside the door.

I want to make sure That the secret formula

Doesn't leave this room.

All right, max.

It's just not like cynthia To do something like this.

You don't think it's some Kind of kaos plot, do you, max?

No, I don't, 99, but just to make Sure, I'd better contact agent 13.

Right.

Oh, hi, 86. What's up?

Professor whitaker's niece is due to Arrive any minute, so keep your eyes open.

- right. - oh, by the way,

As long as I'm here, let me Have a pack of cigarettes.

- king-size or regular? - regular.

- filter or non-filter? - filter.

- mentholated or plain? - plain.

- domestic or imported? - forget it, I broke the habit.

Woman over p.A.: flight 93 from boston,

now arriving, gate 7,

- that's her flight. - yes.

- is that her? - hmm? I believe so.

- uncle harold. - oh, yes.

Excuse me, excuse Me. Cynthia, my dear!

But if I had only Reached him in time!

- I see. - it wasn't your fault, max.

Thank you for calling me.

You can breathe easier. He responded To the surgery. He's going to live.

- oh, that's wonderful news, chief! - but you don't understand.

He was my assignment, And I failed!

You didn't fail, Max. Come with me.

Chain: and so you see, gentlemen, Utilizing the general concept

of the third dimension Carried to the fourth power,

we find that mx-squared

Minus g2 over the speed of light

gives us the equivalent Of the m5 quotient.

So, whitaker taught chain

The formula just in case.

No, max. Whitaker Never knew the formula.

But I don't understand, Chief. He was a scientist.

No, 99. Chain is a scientist.

Whitaker was the agent... The expendable agent.

But, chief, that's impossible.

Chain looks like an agent. Whitaker looks like a scientist.

That's what gave british Intelligence the idea

Of switching their roles To make whitaker the target.

And it worked.

So that's why chain was Such an unreliable agent,

And why whitaker was Such a terrific shot.

Yes, I'm sorry we couldn't Let you in on the plan, max,

But they felt the fewer Who knew it, the better.

Well, I don't know, chief. I don't Understand how british intelligence

Could take such A foolish chance.

- what foolish chance? - well,

How could they believe that Kaos would be stupid enough

To think that a bumbling idiot Like chain could be a secret agent?

Well, let's just say they've Gotten used to the idea, max.