Original subtitles

( exotic music playing )

This is the prince's suite, Max.

Boy, he must be driving the house detective crazy.

Max, they're his wives.

Sure, Chief.

Prince Abu Ben Bubi, this is Agent 86.

Be seated.

I'm assigning him to security duty here at the suite.

86, your job is to protect the lives

of the prince and his wives.

- 86! - Huh? Oh, yes, Chief, right.

Uh, tell me, Your Highness,

how many wives do you have?

33...

going on 34.

Just met a nice girl recently.

- We're going steady. - How do you support them?

Max, Prince Bubi is a very wealthy man.

His country produces more oil than any nation in the world.

Well, it had better. After all, he's got a 33-car family.

Max, there are certain factions in the prince's government

that would like to break his oil contract with the United States

and turn it over to iron curtain countries instead.

That will never happen. Not while I'm alive!

Well, if you will excuse me, gentlemen,

I must prepare for lunch.

Max, I hope you realize how important it is to keep the prince alive.

I certainly do, Chief, and the first thing we have to do

- is to get him away from his wives. - Why?

Well, with all that fanning he could catch pneumonia!

Max, there are only 18 hours left

before the prince returns home.

I'm placing this suite on blue alert--

extreme emergency conditions!

I don't think you have to worry, Chief. After all,

there were two attempts on the prince's life

and both of them failed.

Max, KAOS must succeed in killing the prince

while he's visiting our country.

Then they'll be able to turn his people against us

so they'll sanction the breaking of the oil contract.

Now if the United States ever loses that oil--

Don't worry, Chief. If that happens,

- we can always depend on Herbie. - Who's Herbie?

Herbie is a friend of mine who owns a gas station.

He's got a lot of oil.

See if Agent 13 is at his post. I'll call headquarters.

Right, Chief.

13? 13.

13, are you there?

No, I'm out on my pony playing polo.

Of course I'm here.

Look, I know you've got a lonely job, 13,

but there's no need to be so sarcastic about it.

Well, it does have its compensations--

the other side of this chimney opens at the Harem girls' suite.

Listen, 13, if you're feeling a little cooped up

- and you would like to be released... - ( knock on door )

- Chief: Cover me, Max. - Right, Chief. I'll see you later.

It's all right, Max. It's room service.

Just put it on the table over there, please.

That's the prince's lunch, Max. I think you'd better taste it.

No, thanks, Chief. I've already had lunch.

All food should be checked out before the prince eats them.

There's always a possibility of poisoning. Now taste it.

Hmm, smells delicious. What is it?

Camel's ears boiled in goat's milk.

- Now taste the coffee. - Hmm?

- ( gulps ) - Taste the coffee.

No, thanks, Chief. I don't drink coffee. It keeps me awake.

Taste it, Max! That's an order.

Wait a minute, Chief. What if this coffee is poisoned?

Then it won't keep you awake.

- Well? - ( coughs )

- What's the matter? - Needs a little sugar.

Max, I have to go to my post. Now remember, I'll be sitting in my car

parked downstairs right outside that window.

- If anything happens, signal me. - Right, Chief.

Here. Your tip is on there.

( Max knocks ) Prince, your lunch is ready.

Right this way, Your Highness.

Well, you'll see what we have for you today.

- ( sighs ) - There you are, Bubi.

Ahhh... what is it?

Ears of a camel boiled in goat's milk.

Terrific.

Certainly is a noisy candle.

Yes, sounds more like a fuse than--

- What is it? - Dynamite. Hold it.

( explodes )

Sorry about that, Chief.

( theme music playing )

Well, that's a good thing that you weren't in the car

when the dynamite hit, Chief.

I would have been if I hadn't stopped on my way out to get

a pack of cigarettes. So cigarettes saved my life.

And they say smoking is bad for you.

Max, we've learned that one of the prince's wives

- is a KAOS agent. - Which one?

We don't know. It could be the tall exotic one,

it could be the short voluptuous one, it could be--

I'll check them all out immediately, Chief.

Max, he has 33 wives.

So it will take a little time.

- ( intercom buzzes ) - Yes?

- Man: She's here, Chief. - Send her in.

That looks wonderful. Turn around.

- Excellent. What do you think, Max? - Well, it's very nice,

- but will your wife wear it? - Oh, Max,

it's not for his wife, it's for me.

99! You oughta be ashamed of yourself

walking around in public like that.

Max, it's a disguise. That's 99's job.

I'm assigning her to pose as one of the Harem girls

to find which one is a KAOS agent.

You can go, 99, but remember--

as soon as you're sure which one of the wives is a KAOS agent,

do nothing but watch her closely.

She's probably only an inside contact.

Right, Chief. Then when she contacts the assassin, we'll be ready for him

- when he strikes. - Exactly.

I better be going, Chief. Anything else?

- No. - Max: Yes!

One more thing, 99-- as soon as you get in that Harem Suite,

I want you to take the blanket off the bed immediately!

- What do I do with it, Max? - Hang it over the fireplace.

- Max! Go on, 99, and good luck. - Thanks, Chief.

Now, Max, the Pentagon has just informed us

that we are to have international help on this case.

- Oh, really? From what country? - Israel.

Israel?! Israel is going to save the life of an Arab prince?

Israel has excellent relations with prince Abu Ben Bubi's nation.

It's vital to the Israeli government that no harm comes to the prince.

What kind of help are they gonna give us?

Well, they have an espionage unit

comparable to our own CONTROL organization.

- It's one of the finest in the world. - What's it called?

"Your Espionage Network and Training Academy."

It's referred to by its initials, Y-E-N-T-A.

- YENTA. - YENTA?

They know everything that's going on everywhere.

They're a small organization,

but they've assigned their top man to the case.

- Who is he? - Hmm?

- The man from YENTA? - Agent 498.

- ( horn blows ) - That's the international hotline.

- That may be YENTA calling. - ( blowing continues )

CONTROL speaking. Yes, go ahead, YENTA.

Mm-hmm. I was afraid of that.

Right, I'll have Agent 86 meet him at the airport.

That's quite all right. I understand. Goodbye.

What's the matter, Chief? Bad news?

- Le Moco. - Le Moco?

He's KAOS's top assassin.

He's been given the assignment of killing the prince.

I'll be ready for him, Chief.

Max, Le Moco is no ordinary assassin.

He's fiendishly unpredictable

and a master of disguise and voice impersonation.

In 27 assignments he has never failed yet.

That's quite a record.

His parents must be very proud of him.

He doesn't have any parents, Max.

They were his first assignment.

Le Moco was seen at the airport in Algiers

where he booked passage on a plane to Washington.

Was 498 on the same plane with him?

No, Le Moco would've recognized him.

498 is flying here now from Tel Aviv.

He'll arrive in Washington 10 minutes before Le Moco does.

You'll meet 498 at the airport

and he'll point out Le Moco when his plane lands.

- You'll take Le Moco into custody. - Right, Chief.

Now, you'll use the fountain pen signal to identify yourself.

Pretend your pen isn't working, and 498 will identify himself

- by offering you his pen. - Got you, Chief.

Uh, Chief, what time does 498's plane arrive?

In exactly 15 minutes.

15 minutes?!

Why did YENTA wait so long to call?

They work on a limited budget, Max.

They have to wait until after 6:00 for the long distance rates to change.

Lucky they didn't drop us a postcard.

Here, try mine.

That's a beautiful pen you have there.

- 498? - No, $1.19.

I buy them by the gross and give them away for bar mitzvahs.

- Agent 498? - Who else?

- Maxwell Smart? - Yes.

- When is Le Moco due? - Wait a minute,

aren't you gonna ask, "How was your flight?"

All right. How was your flight?

Don't ask.

Man over P.A.: Attention, please. Algerian Airlines

flight 5 from Algiers now arriving gate 1.

- That's Le Moco's flight. - Wait a minute.

Here's what we do-- we go over to customs

and check out every passenger that comes through.

You'll point out Le Moco. I'll get him,

you cover me.

What are you gonna do? I'll use my "shh."

- What's a "shh"? - It's what you call a silencer.

- Well, that's the last of them. - It checks out--

there were 65 people aboard, he's the 65th one

- through customs. - Wonderful.

So where is Le Moco?

He must have slipped through without our noticing him.

Am I gonna get it for this!

Le Moco loose in the city-- the prince is a sitting duck!

Come on, my car is right outside.

We'd better get back to headquarters immediately.

I'll be right with you. I have to call Tel Aviv.

- Tel Aviv? Now? - I promised my mother I'd call her

the minute I arrived. She worries.

This is Le Moco.

I have arrived undetected.

( exotic music playing )

( music stops )

Max, you oughta be ashamed of yourself!

Why, 99? I'm just doing my job.

You don't have to do it so well.

Can I help it if I love my work?

- Besides, it's part of my plan. - What plan?

Well, I don't have it all worked out yet.

But I'm trying to find out which one of the wives is the KAOS agent.

How are you going to accomplish that by kissing them?

Well, that's the part I haven't worked out yet.

Listen, I already have an idea of which one is the KAOS agent.

I'm just waiting for her to make her move.

Well, you better get back inside and keep your eye on her.

As Your Highness wishes.

Would Your Highness like his water pipe filled?

Forget it, I've already smoked three gallons today.

Max, you've got to be careful.

Le Moco is going to be here any minute and he's going to mistake you

- for the prince. - That's exactly our plan, 99.

While Agent 498 is back at my apartment guarding Abu Ben Bubi,

I'll be here waiting for Le Moco and catch him red-handed

trying to assassinate the prince.

Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.

There's something more important than medals, 99.

- What? - It's after 6:00.

I get overtime.

13?

Say, 13, that's a great disguise.

What disguise? I'm on fire.

Listen, 13, will you please stop with your petty complaints?

This is an important case!

- Now, have you got anything to report? - Yeah, yeah.

Just when I pinpointed which Harem girl was the KAOS agent,

she lit a fire in the fireplace, and 99 hung a blanket over it.

- What did she look like? - Well, she was about the same height

as 99, same hair, same figure as 99.

- There was one slight difference. - What was that?

She had a match in her hand.

- Thanks a lot, 13. - ( footsteps approaching )

( knock on door )

- Who is it? - Male voice: It's the maid.

Hello, operator? This is Maxwell Smart,

Secret Agent 86. Get me CONTROL headquarters immediately.

- Chief: Hello? - Hello, Chief? This is Max.

- What is it, Max? - Listen, Chief,

I'm gonna need some help. Three assassins just tried to kill me.

- What happened? - I've got all three of them, Chief.

Oh, good. If there's any more trouble,

I've assigned agents 24, 25 and 26 to help you.

Good. Where are they?

24 is in the hall closet, 25 is a window washer

and 26 is disguised as a maid.

Do you think you know how to contact them?

Well, I'm not sure, Chief, but I think a medium might help.

Max, you didn't!

You couldn't, you wouldn't!

Don't get excited, Chief.

I think the maid has a 50-50 chance to pull through.

Hold it, Chief.

- Did you send anybody else? - I hope not.

( clangs )

Boy, am I glad I wore this instead of my sweater.

( clangs )

99!

99, our plan worked perfectly!

Le Moco just left here thinking he killed the prince,

but the prince is still safely stashed away in my apartment.

Has that girl made a move yet?

Good. Now we've still got to capture Le Moco.

He should be contacting her any minute.

You better get back inside and keep an eye on her.

( whispers ) Psst, Max.

- What is it now, 99? - What did she say?

- What did who say? - The girl you were just talking to?

She didn't say anything. I did all the talking.

Oh! Oh, 99, don't tell me that wasn't you.

Me, Max? I've been watching that girl.

Then I saw her come out and talk to you.

- What's wrong? - What's wrong? What's wrong?!

Nothing is wrong, except that I told her the whole plan--

the whole plan to the wrong girl! I thought it was you!

Oh, Max, what are we gonna do now?

She's probably contacting Le Moco right this minute.

That means that Le Moco will know

that the prince is still alive and in my apartment.

I gotta get over there right away.

- You get back inside and hold her. - Right, Max.

I actually don't think

I could tell us apart myself.

Should Le Moco learn of our plan and come here,

he'd never expect to find two princes.

I am most fortunate

to have a man as capable as you to guard me.

Le Moco is a vicious killer!

He might try to shoot me,

to stab me, to poison me.

But the important thing is you should live and be well.

- ( knock on door ) - I'll see who it is.

- Who's there? - It's me, Maxwell Smart.

- What are you doing here, Maxie? - Le Moco is wise to us.

I'm to take the prince away from here immediately.

Let's go. Prince?

But first we must call your CONTROL headquarters

and let them know that you got here before Le Moco did.

( Le Moco's voice ) Don't touch that phone.

So you are not Maxwell Smart.

Tsk, there's only one man who could master a voice

so perfectly-- Le Moco.

At your service.

( chuckles ) Well, Le Moco, the joke's on you.

You don't know which of us is the prince and which isn't.

That's true.

So I will have to kill you both.

Well, we never figured on that one, did we, Prince?

Adieu, gentlemen. ( cocks gun )

Prince! Your Highness!

Hello, Bubi.

Wait a minute, there's something definitely wrong here.

One of those two men is Le Moco! Quick, give me the gun!

Don't do it. He's Le Moco.

- Who are you? - I'm Prince Abu Ben Bubi.

How do I know you're not Le Moco?

You can believe him, Smart.

- And who are you? - I'm Agent 498.

Oh, no, you're not. I just left agent 498 a few hours ago

and he hadn't even started to grow a beard.

Well, we know you're Maxwell Smart.

Don't confuse me.

( Max's voice ) How do you know that I'm not Maxwell Smart?

Hey, that's very good.

What other impressions do you do?

Hold it right there!

Get up. Drop the gun.

Wait a minute, what is this? Max, which one is you?

- Right here, Chief. - Right here, Chief.

- Right here, Chief. - No, he's Le Moco. I'm Max.

Don't fall for that, Chief. I'm Max.

- I'm the prince. - I'm hungry.

Quiet, all of you. One of you is Le Moco-- which one is it?

- Not me. - Not me.

- Not me. - Not me.

All right, which one is the prince?

- I am the prince. - I am the prince.

- No, he's the prince. - No, he's the prince.

Hold it!

Now, what was your question again?

Max, come here.

- Now, which one is the prince? - Eh...

I'm not sure, Chief, but there's one way to find out.

- How? - Number one, what's your name?

My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.

Max: Number two, what's your name?

My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.

- Number three-- - Hmm, hmm...

- How many wives do you have? - Max, stop it!

There's only one way to find out who is really the prince.

Right, Chief. Will the real Prince Abu Ben Bubi

- step forward? - No, Max,

the real prince is the one with the real beard!

I'll start with number one.

( grunts )

Max! Max, where are you?

Right here, Chief. That's Le Moco on the ground. Tear off his beard.

That's Le Moco, all right.

Good shooting, Max. You got him.

- Get him a glass of water. - He's dead,

- it wouldn't help. - It wouldn't hurt.

- Max, are you all right? - That's not Max, 99.

- Oh! Oh, Max. - ( moans )

- 99, that's not Max, either. - Oh!

- Max! - ( moans )

99, Max is over there.

- Oh, Max, are you all right? - Yes, I'm fine, 99.

Max, you amaze me. Le Moco's makeup

and voice impersonations were perfect.

You had to get off that shot in a split second.

How did you know it was Le Moco and not really the prince?

Well, it was really quite simple, Chief.

You see, number one looked too much like the prince

to really be the prince.

Number three didn't know how many wives he had.

So I picked number two.

Well, with all that rolling and scuffling around,

How did you know that number two was number two?

- Huh? - How did you know it was number two?

Oh, well, that was just a lucky guess.

Goodbye, 498. I've enjoyed working with you.

Oh, likewise, I'm sure, 99.

And you, Smart-- I feel towards you

like I feel towards my own brother-in-law.

- Brother. - No, brother-in-law.

I don't talk to my brother.

- Goodbye, 498. - Goodbye, Chief.

And if any of you ever get to my country,

be sure and give me a call. I'll be happy to show you around.

You can reach me at that number.

Oscar's Delicatessen.

Say, that's a great idea, using a delicatessen for a front.

What front? That's the business we're in.

We only do spy work during our slack season.

Ooh, well, I'll miss my flight, gotta run.

Goodbye and good luck.

Well, that's one more case closed.

Sometimes I wonder what it's all for--

all the destruction, killing, murdering.

Well, as 498 would say,

it's a living.

( theme music playing )