Original subtitles

Hey, buddy, got a cigarette?

Uh, yes, I do. Thank you.

Wait a minute. Could I borrow One of your cigarettes?

Oh, certainly.

- where are you hit? - in the arm.

I better put a Tourniquet on that.

Give me your arm. Wait a minute.

Max: kaos, eh?

- then that bullet was meant for me. - what are you talking about?

I'm talking about this kaos emblem On your back. Where did you get it?

- how did that get there? - "How did that get there?"

Are you trying to tell me you don't Know how that tattoo got there?

You can't expect a fella To remember everything.

All right, get on your feet. I'm Taking you downtown for questioning.

All right, smart, but I've got news for you.

You're not gonna Live through the day.

You got a price on your head Of a quarter of million dollars.

A quarter of a million Dollars? You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding!

Is that american Money or kaos scrip?

american money!

With that kind of a Price on your head

Every killer in the country Is gonna be after you.

you don't stand a chance!

Oh, really? Well, I've Got news for you, fella...

Anybody who tries to Collect that reward

Is gonna have to do It over my dead body.

Siegfried: you fools!

Incompetents! Bunglers!

Dummkopfs! Sissies!

You call yourselves killers?

You are not worthy of the name.

In the past three weeks

Maxwell smart has Personally eliminated

No less than 11...

Do you hear me, stupids?

Maxwell smart has Personally eliminated

No less than 11 of Our most vicious,

Brutal, cold-blooded agents!

Some of whom were My best, dearest,

Sweetest, kindest friends.

And all because of Your bumbling stupidity!

But let me tell you this...

Who is responsible for Putting this pitcher over here?

This is another example Of your stupidity!

It belongs over here.

Now, we did our best

To try to disguise our Better-known agents.

Maxwell smart Recognized them like this.

Now, listen to this...

I am still offering

$250,000 for maxwell smart,

Dead or alive.

If... Correction! Dead or dead!

This reward may Act as an incentive

To other organizations of evil To try to make an honest buck.

Now get this through Your thick nitwit skulls!

I warn you as of right now...

If maxwell smart is not killed

Within 48 hours

The annual kaos bingo Party and barbecue

Is canceled!

Max, I don't blame You for being nervous.

Kaos is very anxious To get rid of you.

Quarter of a million Dollars. And tax-free.

That's an enormous reward. The biggest I can remember.

I know.

I'd make an attempt To collect it myself

If I could figure out a Way to live through it.

Max, the important thing is For you to be more careful

- than you've ever been in your life. - you're right, chief.

This whole thing is Beginning to get on my nerves.

The news is all over control.

Why, do you know that the Boys in the lab have a pool

To guess how long I'll be alive?

Wait a minute, chief.

You don't suppose That anybody in control

Would make an attempt On my life, do you?

I think you ought to Get of town for a while.

- why? - max, you're very tense.

I think you can use the rest.

Look, chief, I'm not Gonna run away and hide.

Max, your nerves are shot.

You know who are your Friends or who are your enemies.

Next thing you know, You'll be suspecting me.

That's not true, chief.

If there's one thing in This world I'm sure of

It's the fact that You and I are friends.

Well, I should Certainly hope so.

All right, now, Just take it easy.

One false move and You're a dead man.

Pull your hand out Of your pocket slowly.

Sorry, chief.

Don't ever pull a Handkerchief on a friend.

Max, I'm worried about you.

You really are jumpy.

Don't worry about Me, 99. I'll be all right.

Max!

It's just a car backfiring.

I know that, 99.

- I was just practicing. - for what?

For the control track meet.

99, there was something Very strange about that car.

Max, they tried to kill us.

So, that's what it was.

- did you get the license number? - no, max.

I wonder if it was a kaos Car or a control car.

What are you doing, 99?

Oh, max, I'm hunting for My electronic finder.

Agent 13 is in the area

And we're supposed to Locate him and get his report.

Oh, okay.

Listen, max.

13 is someplace near.

13? 13, can you hear me?

Max, I think he's in The vending machine.

I think you're right, 99.

You stay here and let me know

If you see any Suspicious cars coming.

Right, max.

- is that you, 13? - no, it's the abominable snowman.

Of course it's me.

All right, what Have you got, 13?

You name it... Pneumonia, Bronchitis, frostbite, the flu.

Look, 13, I feel very sorry For you but I'm in a hurry.

I don't know, 86. I've got Get out of the spy business.

I'm supposed to be a Secret agent, not a penguin.

Look, 13, have you Seen any kaos agents

Loitering around here In the neighborhood?

Well, what's the matter now?

You could at least Say gesundheit.

- all right, gesundheit. - it's too late now.

The reason I ask About the kaos...

I haven't had such a chill since I asked the chief for a raise.

I'm asking you, 13, if any kaos...

Gesundheit!

Yeah, now you're talking.

All right, what's Your problem, 86?

Kaos has offered a quarter Of million dollars for my death!

Wow, with that kind of money

I could retire in Florida or arizona.

The last gesundheit He gets out of me.

- 99, look at that. - what, max?

Well, don't you see anything unusual About the way that man is walking?

Not particularly.

He favors the ball Of his right foot,

Like a man who's been Raised in goat country

And has had to walk Sideways up hills a lot.

There's only one Man in the world

Who has a distinctive Walk like that.

- who, max? - his name is valdez

And he's one of Kaos's top assassins.

I'd know that walk anywhere.

You'll see, 99.

He has an evil face, A big black mustache

And a scar running Across his right cheek.

- what are you gonna do, max? - I'm going after him, 99.

- you stay here. - max, be careful!

All right, valdez, on your feet!

Would you get off of me, mister?

I think you've broken my arm.

Sorry about that.

You see, I thought You were an old friend.

Max, eat your soup.

It's human to make a mistake.

99, isn't that waiter New around here?

I haven't seen him before. Why?

I don't like his looks.

How is your soup, 99?

Fine.

Here, try mine.

- fine. - oh, I thought it was poisoned.

All right, fella, now just what did You have in mind for this stiletto?

It's for that gentlemen's steak.

Oh. Sorry about that.

There.

Let's skip lunch, max.

Maybe you're right, 99.

Come on, let's go.

- hold it, 99. - what is it, max?

That man over there.

That's a man?

Yes, it's a brilliant Disguise, 99.

But that so-called woman Is actually melvin forester,

Bag man for the kaos syndicate.

notice the twitching in the Neck muscles. That's the giveaway.

Max, don't you think you better To have a look at melvin's face

- before you do anything? - we don't have time, 99.

I've gotta get him Before he sees us.

Max, you're already up on one Count of assault and battery.

Shh!

Would you believe two counts?

Max, you need a rest.

You can't go around Jumping on innocent people.

Besides you're in Greater danger all the time.

What do you mean?

Well, they raised the price On your head to $500,000.

$500,000? That's a Half a million dollars.

That's terrible, chief.

I mean a quarter of a million dollars Is reasonable price for killing a man,

But a half a million Dollars caters to greed.

Kaos must be getting frantic.

You're probably closer to Breaking this case than you think.

I don't think so, chief.

Well, why do you think The price was raised?

Inflation.

Max, I want you get Out of town for a while.

Go to some nice resort Somewhere and relax.

Swim, play some tennis, Take a girl out dancing.

Chief, what are You talking about?

You can't ask me to Give up my career,

To give up a life of Adventure and intrigue,

To go to some country Club and become a has-been,

Lie around playing Golf and tennis.

- and besides... - what?

I've got nothing to wear.

Maybe now I can get some rest.

Who is it?

It's me, max.

Who's me?

99.

How do I know you're not Someone pretending to be 99?

You don't.

Oh. Well, what do we do now?

Why don't you look at Me through the peephole?

Good idea.

99.

Max.

- are you alone? - yes.

Good.

- come in, 99. - thank you, max.

Okay, 99, what's up?

- I came to say goodbye. - to whom?

To you. The chief said you Were going away for a rest.

- I'll miss you, max. - oh, thank you, 99.

You're welcome. I guess I better Be getting back to control.

- uh, 99? - yes, max.

I don't suppose you'd Consider leaving by the window.

No, thank you.

Well, so long, 99.

All right, start Talking! Who are you?

Max, it's me, joe Freebish, agent 63!

Are you kidding? I've known Joe freebish for years.

Well, let me up And I'll explain.

All right, get on your feet.

Now get your hands up.

Get over there.

Who are you really?

I've been telling you... I'm joe freebish, agent 63.

Sounds like joe's voice, max.

Yes. And it's joe's build, But it's not joe's face.

Well, didn't you hear about the Train wreck I was in last week?

Oh, yes, you almost got killed.

I was very self-conscious About those scars.

Now look.

Now go ahead, 99. You, too.

- now, feel these cheeks. - well, I...

No, please, be my guest.

Huh, huh? Now, pull on my nose.

It's perfect, isn't it, huh?

- very nice. - tell the truth, 86.

Is this a great Face, or isn't it?

It's okay, but I'm still not convinced You're the real joe freebish.

I've been telling you I am joe!

Maybe he is joe, max.

Well, there's only Sure way to find out.

What happened in cairo

On the night of april 3rd, 1963?

Only the real joe freebish Would know the answer to that.

All right.

- so that's what happened? - uh-huh.

I still get letters From the tall one.

- and then this is all plastic surgery? - right.

I don't understand. Plastic Surgery takes weeks to heal.

Not when dr. Noodleman does it.

Isn't he the one who Does plastic surgery

For control agents Without charging anything?

That's the one. He's A great humanitarian.

Tell me, joe, where is This doctor located?

His office is in town in The conway building. Why?

I've gotta clear something up.

And maybe I can bring An end to this business

Of going around Jumping on people.

Where are you going, max?

To ask dr. Noodleman A few questions.

It must be very Gratifying, dr. Noodleman,

To give people New hope, new life.

He who is blessed with a gift

And does not share It lives in darkness.

I must remember that.

I'm getting a little tired of "A Coward dies a thousand deaths."

Say, that one is Fantastic, doctor.

What did he look like Before the operation?

Noodleman: he had a Little button nose.

But...

I hate little button noses.

Doctor, I came here to ask You for some information.

It's always a pleasure To serve control.

Doctor, I have a theory

That while facial Characteristics can be altered,

Flares and twitches are a Different matter. Is this true?

Very true, mr. Smart.

You see, doctor, I've arrested Certain criminals lately.

Criminals that I Thought I recognized.

Then later you discovered You were mistaken.

Yes, unless...

Unless, those certain criminals have had Certain plastic surgery performed, hmm?

exactly!

Now, doctor, I understand that You can perform plastic surgery

- that heals almost immediately. - that is correct.

You see, doctor, I Have reason to believe

That kaos has somehow Gotten ahold of this technique.

That's why I came to you.

I was hoping perhaps you could Give me a list of crooked doctors.

Did you look in The yellow pages?

Uh, no, I thought perhaps you Could narrow it down faster.

- what's the matter, doctor? - possibly nothing.

Would you mind stepping into My examining room for a moment?

Sit right down, mr. Smart.

Well, what is it, doctor?

Probably nothing.

But as long as you're here, We might as well take a look.

Make yourself Comfortable. I'll be right back.

Maxwell smart is in my office.

Is there still a $500,000 Reward for his death?

Good.

No no, don't send anybody.

I'll kill him myself.

Now, mr. Smart...

Let's have a look.

What is it, doctor?

This little scar on your cheek,

How long have you had that?

Since I cut myself Shaving this morning.

Well, as long as we got you here

May as well patch it up.

- how does it feel? - it's a little tight, doctor.

Good.

Uh, I know this is a Silly question, doctor,

But why am I being strapped in?

Well, so you won't move.

We wouldn't want You to move and, uh...

Risk spoiling your plastic Features now, would we?

Doctor, when I learned what You had done for joe freebish

Something in my brain snapped.

What was that, mr. Smart?

Well, I realized that Some other doctor

Was performing the same Operation for the kaos syndicate.

Impossible.

I'm the only one who Knows the technique.

Doctor, I'm gonna Ask you a question

And I want you to Tell me the truth.

Are you going to kill me?

Yes.

Wouldn't you like a little more Time to think over your answer?

This will only put You to sleep, mr. Smart.

You won't feel a thing.

And when I wake up I'll be dead.

Exactly.

Don't move, noodleman, Or you're a dead doctor.

My hand... You ruined it!

- I'll never operate again. - all right, larrabee, get him out of here.

Freebish and 99 telephoned me After you left your apartment

And told me where You were going.

So I decided to come over here Just in case you got into any trouble.

Nothing I couldn't Handle, chief.

Good work, max. I'm Glad this case is closed.

What do you mean This case is closed?

- this case isn't closed. - why not?

Because it's shocking, absolutely Shocking that a quack like that

Could be a control Doctor for 10 years!

I want a complete and thorough Investigation of this entire matter.

Who's in charge of our Medical security division?

- max, the case is closed! - who is it, chief?

You!

That's what I said, Chief. The case is closed.

99, these files of dr. Noodleman Are absolutely fantastic.

He must have changed the faces Of over 100 kaos agents, max.

Yes, but at least we have Pictures of what they look like now.

We should be able to Round most of them up.

Good news, max. We've Received additional information

On the $500,000 reward Offered for your death.

- what about it, chief? - it runs out at midnight tonight.

You mean in four hours I'll stop being a marked man?

Absolutely. You won't Have to worry any longer

About who your friends Are or who your enemies are.

Oh, come on now, chief, I never really thought...

That's all right, Max. I understand.

Believe me, in your place I would Have felt exactly the same way.

I wouldn't have Known who to trust.

In that case, I Wonder if you and 99

Would mind doing me a favor Until the deadline runs out.

- certainly, max. - what is it?

Stick 'em up!

I mean, there's no use taking Any chances now, is there?

Hey, up, up!