Original subtitles

Well, chief, agent 59 reports

Everything's absolutely Normal in south america.

- how normal? - two revolutions and one assassination.

What a week.

Well chief, we've got Everything here under control.

I think we can lock up and Go home for the weekend.

An excellent idea.

Oh, chief, I forgot something. I'd like to talk to you

- about one more thing. - what, max?

I don't think we should talk Right here in the open, chief.

I think we should use The cone of silence.

Oh, max, every time we Use the cone of silence

Something terrible happens.

Can't you just write it To me on a piece of paper?

- people can read a piece of paper, chief. - I'll burn it afterwards.

- ashes can be reassembled. - I'll eat the note.

They could operate On you and get it back.

All right, max... The cone of silence.

Chief, could I work The controls this time?

All right, max, But I'm warning you,

This is your last chance.

Now what was...?

What was it you Want to know, max?

Chief, could you let Me have $20 until payday?

You're gonna say You got me in this thing

Just to ask for money? Are you out of your mind?

Are you serious? Are You completely insane?

One question at a time, chief.

Max, raise the cone of silence.

You're not angry, Are you, chief?

How would you feel If some simpleton

Used a class-a Security procedure

merely in order to Borrow $20?! I don't believe it!

Would you believe $30?

Max, raise the cone of silence!

I can't, chief, the Controls are outside.

Well, how are we Gonna get out of here?

See if you can slip down Under the cone of silence, chief.

I can't, max.

The arms of the chair Touch the cone of silence.

Maybe I can slip out this side.

Okay, see if you can.

The emergency alert!

99, what's going On? What happened?

Max, kaos has sabotaged a Nuclear reactor in the midwest

And it's running wild. If it Isn't stopped with 72 hours,

There's gonna be a Nuclear explosion.

My gosh, we could Lose the whole midwest.

We'd better get down to the Lab and see professor carlson.

- maybe he can give us some advice. - right, max.

Wait a minute, 99. I've Forgotten something.

What?

I can't remember. It Probably wasn't important.

- come on. - let's go.

What do you mean you forgot?

With all the excitement about the Nuclear reactor and everything, I...

Wait a minute, chief. You're not gonna let this

Affect my efficiency Rating, are you?

I'm up for agent of The year, you know.

I should, but if you complete This mission successfully,

- you still have a chance. - thank you, chief.

I want that silver cup more Than anything in the world.

How does the tooth cap feel?

Do you think it Will stay in, chief?

It will adhere to the Tooth immediately.

It's made of a new Tissue-thin plastic.

You won't even know It's in your mouth.

- good, chief. - now, max, remember,

If that nuclear reactor Isn't fixed within 72 hours,

It'll produce a Devastating nuclear blast.

The plans to fix it are On microfilm in that cap.

It's a big Responsibility, chief.

It certainly is. The future of The midwest is in your mouth.

It couldn't be in a safer place.

Oh, come in, 99.

I was just briefing max on The nuclear reactor mission.

Right, chief. I just picked up The train tickets for chicago.

Train tickets? I thought We were in a hurry.

We are, but the airport is fogged In, so you'll have to go by train.

I want you and 99 to Pose a honeymoon couple.

Wait a minute, chief. Shouldn't We save the honeymoon cover

Until we have a Mission a niagara falls?

No, max.

Now kaos will be right on your Tail and they'll stop at nothing

To get at that Cap. So be careful.

- right, chief. - oh, and one more thing...

This mission is so top-secret That for the next 72 hours

You'll be entirely on your own. You Won't even be able to contact control.

You won't know me And I won't know you.

- good luck, max. - I beg your pardon,

I don't believe we've met.

- max, where's the microfilm? - in a cap in my tooth.

Oh, no. I wish the chief Hadn't done that again.

Why not?

Don't you remember Agent 42 and agent 18?

- they were both found dead. - and toothless.

Max, don't look now. I think Those two men are kaos agents.

There's one in a belted Raincoat. I think that's ross benito.

Don't be ridiculous, 99.

Not everybody in a belted Raincoat is a secret agent.

I know that, max, but I recognize Them from the kaos mugshots.

Well, there's only One way to find out.

- you stay here. - right.

- well, max? - I think they're following me, 99,

But I'm still not convinced They're from kaos.

Now I'm convinced.

- max, you've gotta get rid of the tooth. - you're right.

I can't take a chance On being caught.

- we'll have to split up. Use plan 4-a. - right, max.

- hey, watch where you're going. - excuse me,

- I'm sorry. - what are you doing?

Psst.

- are you all right, 99? - I gave him the slip, max.

What happened to the kaos Man that was following you?

- I eliminated him. - what did you do with the body?

Cost me 20¢. Remind me to Put it on my expense account.

What did you do with the tooth?

I had to slip it in some guy's Mouth. Come on, let's go get it.

Right.

Man over p.A.: your Attention, please.

train leaving for Columbus, chicago

and joliet state penitentiary

- now boarding on track Four - all right, franco,

- come on, let's go. - all aboard.

99, I've just got to Get that tooth back.

But, max, how can you? That man's in the penitentiary.

It's all very simple. I've gotta Get into the penitentiary,

Into his cell and Into his mouth.

Max, why don't we Just call the chief?

I can't do that, 99. You know I can't contact control.

This mission is too top-secret.

Besides, my Reputation is at stake.

I'm up for agent of the year.

But, max, this is an emergency.

In 72 hours that nuclear Reactor will blow up.

The entire midwest will go.

Well, 99, no one cares more About the midwest than I do.

I'm sure that's true, max.

- I'm not gonna let them down. - I'm sure you won't.

After all, 99, some of my best Friends are midwesterners.

- waiter! - what are you gonna do, max?

- I'm gonna have myself arrested. - how?

By not paying the check.

I don't want you to be embarrassed, So you'd better get out of here.

Right, max. Good luck.

- waiter? - yes, sir.

- check, please. - hmm.

Thank you. Now if you'll Just call the manager...

But, sir, isn't the Bill added correctly?

- oh, it's added beautifully. - then what seems to be wrong?

Nothing, I'm just not paying.

Uh, I'm mr. Schulman. Is something wrong?

He... He doesn't Wanna pay the bill!

That's right... I'm Not paying the check.

So you might as well get it Over with and have me arrested.

Well, sir, if you left Your wallet at home...

I did not leave My wallet at home.

I deliberately came in Here without any money!

Uh, well, perhaps you're A little short this week.

That's all right. You Can pay us next week.

We will trust you.

What are you talking about? This is an open-and-shut case

Of premeditated fraud, And I demand justice!

Take it easy, sir. Look, What's the trouble?

Did you lose your job? That's Nothing to be ashamed of.

It could happen to any of us.

I did not lose my job. Now are You gonna have me arrested

Or am I gonna call the cops?

You don't want That kind of trouble.

Think of your wife. Think of your kids.

Look, if you're having Financial problems,

Why don't you let me Help you out a little bit?

Me too, I'd hate to see A young man like you

- turning into a no-good. - how about it, folks?

- let's help this young no-good out. - yeah, come on.

- max! - how do I look, 99?

- oh, so handsome. - I know that, 99.

- what I mean is, do I look dangerous? - oh, yes, max,

Very dangerous. You've Got to get arrested this time.

Don't worry. It's as Good as done this time.

Is that cop still Around the corner?

Yes, he is, max.

- max, someone else is coming. - good.

When I stick him up and yell... And that cop is bound to hear him...

I'm as good as in jail. Now You'd better get out of here, 99.

Right, max.

All right, buddy, This is uh... Uh...

- a stickup? - right, a stickup.

Uh, go ahead, my boy. Express your hostilities.

I am a psychiatrist, I Understand these things.

- what are you talking about? - what is it, the same old story...

A broken home, feeling of Rejection, a competitive mother?

Look, don't confuse me. This is my first stickup.

Father fixation, sibling Rivalry, inferiority complex?

Tell me, my boy. Speak freely. What is it you are trying to say?

I'm trying to say "Hand Over your money."

- you don't want my money. - I don't?

No-oo, what you want is love,

Friendship, understanding,

Communication, a Sense of belonging.

Police!

Yes, and you want The police too.

You are deliberately trying

To get yourself arrested. And do you know why?

You bet your sweet Life I know why.

Police!

Guilt. You are trying To punish yourself

For crimes you are Not even aware of...

Your failure to your mother, Your failure to yourself.

I don't believe this.

Are you gonna stick Them up or aren't you?

My boy, there's no time to lose.

Mental health is passing you by.

In other words, you're Not gonna stick 'em up.

Here is my card. I'll see you at my Office tomorrow morning at 9:00.

There you can talk openly

And find out where You are really going!

If you had stuck them Up in the first place,

I'd be there already.

Hey, buddy, there's a Law against littering.

I know it, officer, and It's a darn good law.

What are you, some Kind of a wise guy?

- what's your name? - maxwell smart.

Listen, I can't hang around Here. I gotta go to work.

You'll stay right here while I Finish writing out this ticket.

Look, copper, I don't have Time for tickets. Now beat it!

Listen, one more word out Of you and I'll run you in.

- oh, really? - that's right.

Hold this.

Mr. Smart, I hope you realize

That deliberately defying an Officer is a serious offense.

Yeah yeah, I know, your honor.

I hope you throw the book at me.

Well, I don't think That's necessary.

Since this is your first Offense, I'm letting you off

- with a warning. - a warning?!

Now don't thank me. Just see That it doesn't happen again.

- case dismissed. - now wait a minute, your honor.

If you don't mind, I'd like to say A few words in my own defense.

All right, mr. Smart.

Well... Now look, your honor,

First of all, what I don't understand

Is how a nice white-haired, Old fogy like you

Can let a litterbug Like me loose in society.

You oughta be Ashamed of yourself.

Now, mr. Smart, control yourself, Or I'll cite you for contempt.

- you're a disgrace to the bench. - that'll be 30 days.

- suspended sentence. - suspended sentence?!

This is an outrage. What Are you, on the take?

Listen, fellow, if you're Looking for a bribe, forget it.

That'll be 90 days In the county jail.

Not enough. How did you Get your job? Blackmail?

Let me tell you This much, buster...

I got a few friends in high Places and I'm gonna see

That you end up in night Court in staten island.

That will be one year

In the state penitentiary!

Thank you, your honor. The defense rests.

All right, Leave me alone. I can walk.

Hello, sweetheart. What do You know? What do you say, kid?

Sit down, take a Load off your feet.

Max, how Are they treating you?

Like the common Ordinary criminal I am.

I can't tell you what it does to Me to see you in prison uniform.

Why? What's the Matter? Doesn't it fit?

- have you seen franco? - no, I can't get near him.

He's in with the murderers, And I'm in with the misdemeanors.

Oh, max, you've absolutely Got to get into his cell!

And when you do, You can use this.

- what is it, 99? - it's a cake.

Oh, no, I'm on a diet.

Max, I baked dental Instruments into the cake.

- you did what?! - shh, max.

You baked dental Instruments into the cake?

That's a fantastic idea, 99. Where did you get it?

It's not so fantastic, max. It's an old trick, really.

People have been baking Things into cakes for years.

You know, a horrible Thought just struck me, 99.

What?

What if somebody thought Of baking a file into a cake?

Why, it could disrupt Our whole prison system.

- come on, get down here. - don't push, don't push.

- get over here. - I'm warning you, you dirty copper,

- keep your filthy hands off me. - oh, come on over here.

Okay, that did it. Hold this.

Listen, I hope I Wasn't out of line

With that crack About a filthy copper.

All right, smart. Come on, get in there!

Oh, hi. I'm maxwell Smart, your new cellmate.

Well, I'm murray And he's franco.

Hi, murray. Hello, franco.

Gee, he's got a beautiful smile.

Are you kidding? Franco, he never smiles.

That's probably because he's Got nothing to smile about.

Uh, franco, Listen to this one...

A funny thing happened on The way over to the prison.

- knock it off. - knock it off?

He probably heard that one.

Hey, what's a young punk Like you doing in my cell?

- I slugged a guard. - you did? For what?

Since when do you have to have A reason for slugging a guard?

Eh, that's the kind Of talk I like to hear.

Why don't you grab that Bunk? It got a good mattress.

Wait a minute, Franco, you can't do that.

- that's my bunk. - shut up.

- oh... - take my bunk, it's got a nice mattress.

- thank you very much. - knock it off, you two.

I'd like to have a Little peace and quiet.

Franco is getting sleepy.

What are you doing?

Well, I was just...

I oughta beat your brains out.

Shh! You'll wake murray.

What's that thing on your head?

Well, it's just something I Found in a chocolate cake.

What was you looking In my mouth for?

Well, you'll never Believe this, franco,

But I'm a tooth collector.

You'll never believe this...

You know why I am in jail?

I murdered my dentist!

Chickie, the guard.

Franco,

Why did you murder your dentist?

If it wasn't for that fink,

My uppers would be in my mouth

Instead of that Glass over there.

Here's the cap With the microfilm.

Good, max. I'll get it

To our chicago Contact immediately.

And you'll still have the Chance to be agent of the year.

When is the chief gonna Get me out of here?

Oh, within 24 Hours, I'm sure, max.

There won't be any problem If you stay out of trouble.

24 hours? Hmm, That's just perfect.

That will give me a chance To finish the license plate

I'm working on in shop.

Over there.

- hello, 99. Chief. - chief: hello, max.

Gee, it was nice of You to come and see me.

Oh, you've done such a wonderful job, max. We're so proud of you.

That's right, max. The whole Country owes you its thanks.

The country is welcome, chief.

And max, it gives me great pleasure To bestow upon you the title

- of agent of the year. - congratulations, max.

Here's your silver cup, Max. You've earned it.

Oh, gosh, chief,

That's awfully nice. I Don't know what to say.

What's this, chief?

Oh, those are Coffee grounds, max.

We were one cup short In the office this morning.

Look, chief, when am I Gonna get out of here?

We're working on it, max. The wheels are in motion,

But these things take time.

Time? But I've been here For six weeks already!

99, say something.

I'll wait for you, max.

Look, chief, if the other guys In here find out who I really am,

I could be in a lot of trouble.

Oh, no, that's all right, max. The Chief had a talk with the warden.

They figured out something To solve that problem.

What?

Solitary confinement.

Oh. Well, that's swell,

But look, chief, I'd like to get Back to control and go to work.

Max, I don't exactly know How to tell you this, but,

- well, control does have certain rules. - so?

One of them is against Hiring ex-convicts.

Well, I've been prepared For something like this.

What do you mean, max?

- I'm busting out of here tonight. - how?

Well, I've learned a few Things while I've been in here,

And one of them is how To carve a piece of soap

Into a perfect Imitation of a pistol.

It's a little Small, isn't it, max?

Well, I had to wash, didn't I?