Original subtitles

Woman on p.A.: flight number 103

to los angeles Arriving at gate three.

- doctor, don't move a muscle. - why not?

That's a fountain Pen you're holding.

You security men don't Miss a thing, do you?

All public buildings Are supplied

With ballpoint pens, Not fountain pens.

It takes a trained eye like mine

To detect a thing like this.

One tap with this point

And you could have Been blown to bits!

Now watch carefully While I remove the detonator.

Now, do you know what we're Going to find in this rubber tube?

Ink?

Right. We'd better Get out of here fast

Because that ink might Activate the paper.

Come on, doctor, let's go.

Now in exactly three And a half minutes

You'll be onboard that plane And my job will be finished.

In the meantime, just relax And I'll contact headquarters.

Hello. This is 86 Calling control.

This is 86 calling Control. Come in, control.

Hello, chief? This is 86.

- what is it, max? - mission xyx03

- just about completed. - what do you mean, "Just about"?

Isn't dr. Pliny on the plane?

No, chief, but he will be

In exactly one Minute and 40 seconds.

Then call me back in exactly One minute and 41 seconds.

Come on, chief, don't tell me

That you're still Worried about dr. Pliny.

after all, he is in my Protective custody.

And I've got agents stashed All over the terminal.

I'll be with you in A minute, doctor.

Max, I have a strange feeling

That dr. Pliny is in danger.

Don't be silly, chief.

We're standing right Near the boarding ramp

And dr. Pliny is Right beside me.

On the floor.

Max, is dr. Pliny in trouble?

That all depends, chief.

depends on what, max?

On whether his flight insurance

Covers being strangled In the terminal.

13, what did you see?

Nothing. I'm on my lunch break.

A man has been murdered. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Not from 12:00 to 1:00.

Listen, 13, if you don't Straighten up and fly right,

I'm gonna see that on Your next assignment

You're put inside Of an incinerator.

- are you threatening me? - yes.

You can't do anything To frighten me.

Last week I was in a stove, the Week before that in a chimney,

- the week before that... - never mind.

Forget it, 13. Didn't you Hear or see anything at all?

No, I'm sorry, 86. I didn't...

Hey, I got an idea. Why Don't you ask agent 36?

- he's stationed in locker 39. - right.

thanks a lot, 86.

Sorry about that, 13.

Let's get back to the Murder of dr. Pliny.

Did you bring the murder weapon?

Yes, chief, I have It right here.

Obviously the Work of the choker.

He's strangled 375...

Of the free world's Top scientists

And we've never even Gotten an eyewitness account

- of what he looks like. - or her.

- what do you mean? - after all, chief,

The choker could be a woman.

Well, man or woman, the Choker must be stopped!

Right. Listen, chief,

I have to go down to the Lab and check on something.

- I'll see you in a few minutes. - all right, max.

We may have an Eyewitness, chief.

That's the break we've Been waiting for. Who is it?

A cab driver by the Name of andrew bubinski.

Send him in.

- andrew bubinski? - yeah.

What are you guys, some Kind of spies or something?

Mr. Bubinski, can you tell Us exactly what you saw?

I seen this mugger Choking this old guy.

He was pulling on his tie.

- you saw this happening? - sure.

Didn't you think it was strange?

Look, mister, I Work the night shift.

I don't think nothing's strange.

- did you get a good look at the assailant? - what do you think?

- I was standing right there waiting. - waiting?

I thought after they Finished they might want a cab.

What I'm trying to Get out of you is:

Can you describe the man?

If you want to make a Buck, you gotta hustle.

What did the killer look like?

Well... He wasn't too tall.

He was kind of pale And weak-looking.

With this long nose And black beady eyes.

- that's him. There, there! - where, where?

That's maxwell Smart, one of our men!

He's the killer. I saw him.

Of course you saw me. I was guarding Dr. Pliny while he was being strangled.

He had the guy pinned. I Saw it with my own eyes.

All right. Thank You, mr. Bubinski.

- he's got killer's eyes. - I have not!

That'll be all, mr. Bubinski.

- sure you don't want a cab? - no.

How about you, killer?

- get him out of here. - come on!

That's some swell Witness you've got there.

It's too bad. We were counting on That man for a description of the choker.

Hello?

Oh yes, 77.

What?

Oh. All right, thank you, 77.

They checked the Airport thoroughly.

They didn't come up with Anybody even remotely suspicious.

Stymied again.

Only one plane took off After dr. Pliny was killed.

- the choker must be on it. - where was that plane going, chief?

- casablanca. - I'm ready, chief.

No, max, not you. The Choker might recognize you.

Not necessarily, chief. He was inside the locker.

- he might recognize your voice. - but I can change my voice, chief.

I can play any part. Get a load of this...

No, max, forget it. I'll have To take you off the case.

But I've spent a lot of Time on this case, chief.

I'll arrange for you to take a Little time off. You need a respite.

Is that anything Like an aspirin?

No, max, a rest. A Vacation, a respite.

If there's anything I don't need At this time, chief, it's a respite.

I personally want To avenge the death

Of my very good and dear Friend, dr. What's-his-name.

Max, you're starting on a Two-week vacation immediately.

- do I have to, chief? - that's an order!

Okay, chief, okay.

You'll be left all alone

Without my experience And know-how.

You'll be making hundreds Of decisions without my advice.

And loving it.

No, carlson, I'm afraid Disguise hb-61 won't work.

- she just doesn't look like a boy! - thank you, chief.

But, chief, the Oriental houseboy

Is the best disguise We've ever had.

Agent 39 used it to crack The hong kong smuggling case.

Carlson, agent 39 was An oriental houseboy.

He was?

Try costume ld-813.

Hello, this is the chief.

Oh, hello, max, what is it?

Listen, chief, I've been thinking.

Good, max. The vacation's Helping already.

No, chief, I've been thinking that the Reason you're sending me on vacation

Is because you're not Happy with my work.

Oh, put it this way: you're Work's as good as it's ever been.

Oh, good. Then I can Go back on the case.

- no, max. - look, let me put it another way, chief.

Are you angry because of What happened to dr. Pliny?

Why should I be angry just Because a man you were protecting

Was strangled while Standing right beside you?

Oh, then I'm back on the case?

No, max. Absolutely, positively

Definitely no!

Listen, chief, if you're Undecided I can call you back.

Chief?

- oh yes, 99, that's much better! - it's lovely, chief.

- but what's my cover? - a vocalist.

You're kidding?

I've heard you sing, 99. You're very good.

But I'm an amateur!

You just turned Professional. Congratulations.

We're booking you into the Bent parrot cafe in casablanca.

The bent parrot... The watering hole

Of the world's most Notorious double agents.

Yes, a melting pot of criminals Of all races and creeds.

- and the headquarters of the choker. - right!

They have a policy of Hiring offbeat singers.

I'm not offbeat, Chief. I'm off-key.

You better not be, 99. Your life may depend on it.

- right, chief. - oh, 99?

- yes? - don't say anything about this to max.

Oh, chief, I wouldn't! He'd Be absolutely crushed

If he knew I was Taking over this case.

He might try to follow You to casablanca.

That's why I'm putting him On a plane to canada today.

Listen, chief, why don't you join Max? You could use a vacation.

Just imagine it... An isolated Cabin on a snow-clad mountain,

Just you and max...

I don't understand, chief. You Didn't have to drive me to the airport.

I want to make sure You get on that plane.

Why are you trying to get rid of me? You're supposed to be like a father to me.

All right, max, I'm your father.

Now make believe you're a good Boy and I'm sending you to camp.

- okay, but on one condition. - what's that?

- if I get homesick can I come back? - no, max.

- gee, dad. - cut it out, max!

All right, do me one Favor, will you, chief?

What?

While I'm gone, try to keep the case open.

last call for flight number 14, leaving for quebec.that.

- now boarding at gate six. - have a good vacation, max.

Emcee: and now, Ladies and gentlemen,

Direct from the Boy-boy club in new york,

We present for your Elegant dining pleasure

a songstress who Needs no introduction,

An enchantress Of 1,001 nights...

I can see you're Impatient to meet her,

So without any further delay,

Here she is!

Pardon, monsieur, are you Perhaps an american tourist?

Tremendous guess!

You are dressed A little strangely.

After all, the Temperature here is 101°.

Oh really? Well, I Find it quite chilly.

I find that hard to Believe, monsieur.

Would you believe Comfortably cool?

I don't think so.

How do the words "Heat Prostration" grab you?

Hello, long distance? I Want to call washington d.C.

Operator: you can now Dial washington direct.

the area code is 202.

Operator, the light Is a little dim in here.

I wonder if you'd Mind dialing it for me?

- yes, sir. - the number is 547-2791.

thank you, sir. That will be 75 dihars

for the first three Minutes, please.

Operator, I'm Dialing from my shoe.

is that a private Shoe or a pay shoe?

- private. - under what name is the shoe listed, sir?

- maxwell smart. - thank you, sir. I will connect you.

- hello, chief? - max! Nice to hear from you.

How's the weather up There among the big pines?

Uh, a little warmer Than we expected, chief.

Don't give up, max. Maybe tonight You'll have a nice snowstorm.

Uh, I doubt that Very much, chief.

Oh, chief, by the way,

How is 99?

99? She's fine, max.

Oh. Uh...

Is she there? I Mean in washington?

Sure, max. She's right in The next room working.

- you want to talk to her? - no, that's all right, chief.

- just tell her I said hello. - okay, I'll do that.

Chief, you remember Our conversation

When we decided the Choker might be a woman?

Yes, max, but forget the Choker. Just enjoy your vacation

And try not to get frostbite.

That I can promise you, chief.

- hello? - chief, 99.

Hello, 99. Trouble?

Well, not exactly, chief.

But there's a man Here in casablanca

That looks exactly like max.

It couldn't possibly Be max. He's in canada.

I put him on the plane myself.

You're absolutely certain That he's in canada, chief?

Absolutely certain, 99. He called Me from there not five minutes ago.

Hmmm. Chief...

Do you remember the cab driver?

Remember he said he Saw max kill dr. Pliny?

Maybe this man who looks Like max is really the choker.

I think you're right, 99.

- shall I put plan 7 into action? - right away, 99.

Oh, and one other thing, 99...

The man you're dealing With is a deadly assassin.

Don't let the fact that he looks Like max slow your reflexes.

If he makes one Questionable move...

I'll know it's not max.

Where have you been? I've Been waiting for you all night.

Are you talking to me?

You sound strange. You have a cold?

No, I'm All right. What's up?

I want guns and ammunition.

I'll pay your price, No questions asked.

Well, not so fast, fat man.

First we'll have a few beers And we'll listen to the music,

- then we'll talk business. - I need the guns immediately.

We're planning to Overthrow the government.

Which government?

What's the difference as long As we make a profit?

Yes, well, I gotta go Along with you on that.

Contact me within 12 hours.

I shall be waiting For your call.

Did you get the information?

Look, buster, you know What's gonna happen

If sophia?? Sees Me talking to you?

He's gonna slap my teeth out and Keep me in the stomach for mumbling.

Now get lost.

Ladies first.

- ladies ask. - light me.

Look, why don't you let me Order you a ham sandwich?

Quit fighting me.

All right, baby, I don't Know what your game is,

But whatever it is, Let's get to the part

When we put our Cards on the table.

I've gotta talk to you.

Okay, you've got two Minutes. Start talking.

I can't talk to you here.

Come to my dressing Room in about five minutes.

All right, what am I gonna Get in your dressing room

- that I can't get here? - me.

- play it again, sam. - my name ain't sam.

Don't confuse me. I'm new in casablanca.

Put your hands up very slowly.

Now maybe I can help you.

What are you looking for?

Well, I could say The maltese falcon,

But you'd never believe me.

Back up.

stand still.

Now are you or are you not max?

Max who?

Maxwell smart.

- well, I could ask you the same question. - ask it.

Are you or are you Not maxwell smart?

If you are maxwell smart,

You'd better speak up Fast before it's too late.

I am no more maxwell Smart than you are 99.

Max!

99?

Max, I thought it was you,

But you're supposed To be in canada.

Well, I thought that You were in washington.

Oh, max, I feel so much Better now that you're here.

Look, let me get out of This and we'll compare notes.

What have you found out so far?

nothing much, max.

I've been concentrating on you.

Frankly, I think this Is a wild goose chase.

I think the choker is 5000 miles from here.

I don't know. I don't think so.

I think he's probably Closer than we think,

possibly right under our noses.

maybe after we get to know

some of those Characters in the bar...

max?

No!

Max, you're all right!

Yes.

He fell for the old False neck trick.

And this is what saved Your life, eh, max?

- right, chief. - and you, 99,

You did a particularly fine job.

Oh, thank you, chief. I Enjoyed every minute of it.

And you know something?

I think blondes Do have more fun.

This false neck is an ingenious Device, max. Who made it for you?

The ingenious device Department, chief.

- oh, of course. - you see, I first had the idea

About three weeks ago when The laundry sent back my shirts

With too much Starch in the collar.

Tell me, max, how did you know

That the singer at the Bent parrot was really 99?

Well, after all, chief, I am a trained agent.

Nothing gets by me but the wind.

The first thing I Noticed was her walk.

It's very hard to Disguise a walk.

then there are certain Vocal characteristics.

Speech patterns, eh, max?

Right, chief. You know What really gave her away?

- the way that she said two words. - what were they?

She said, "I'm 99."

But what if I hadn't Said anything, max?

Well, there are Other methods, 99.

For example, there's smell.

As I stand here right now,

I'm taking notice of that Cologne that you're wearing...

Seductive, subtle,

Feminine, mysterious.

But max, I'm not Wearing any cologne.