Original subtitles

( knocking on door )

Help me. Help me.

I just never get tired of this business.

Ahh...

think I just hurt myself.

Wake up. Wake up.

They're after me! They tried to kidnap me!

Don't let them get me. Please, you must help me.

There there, now. You're perfectly safe here.

Now why don't you just sit back here and relax

and tell me who you are?

I-- I'm Miss United States.

Miss United States? That's an odd name for a girl.

Well, it's just my title.

My real name is Tisha.

I came in town for the beauty contest.

My daddy told me to come to you if I needed help.

Your daddy? Who's that?

Herman Heinschmidt.

Of course, Herman Heinschmidt,

the famous American scientist.

Well, that clears up a lot of questions.

Let's see, the Chief should still be in his office.

Look, you just sit back and take it easy.

I'm going to call the Chief. Everything is going to be all right.

Hello, Chief, this is Max.

I've got a Code 16 on my hands.

Code 16? Hang on Max, we'll get you out.

- ( sirens and alarms wailing ) - All personnel, red alert.

Code 16. Code 16.

( sirens and alarms continue wailing )

Chief...

Williams, you take this.

Larrabee...

Johnson...

hang on, Max.

Chief, will you stop all that yelling

so I can tell you about my Code 19?

19? I thought you said 16.

16, 19, what's the difference?

About $5,000.

All right, men.

- ( alarms and sirens stop ) - All personnel, all personnel.

Code 16 canceled. All clear.

Repeat, all clear.

Max, I wish you'd study your manual.

Sorry about that, Chief, but I've never had a code 19 before.

As a matter of fact, I've never had a Code 16 before.

All right, Max, you've got a Code 19--

woman being pursued by an unknown assailant, right?

- Right. - Who is she?

She's the daughter of Herman Heinschmidt,

the famous American scientist.

Well, you better let her stay there tonight.

Right, Chief. I'll call you in the morning.

Hold on a minute, Max.

You're spending the night at my apartment.

Well, Chief, is that advisable with a code 19?

That's an order, Max. Herman Heinschmidt is a personal friend of mine.

I'm not going to let his daughter spend the night with an unmarried agent.

Chief, do you know how long it will take to get a married agent over here?

Max, I don't want any agent over there.

Give her a gun to protect herself and tell her

not to open the door for anyone.

Right, Chief.

I'm going upstairs and change my clothes.

I'll be down in a few minutes.

If you need me, just call.

All right, Tisha, I have to go now,

but here's what I want you to do--

I want you to take this gun,

and if anybody comes to that door--

I don't care how innocent he looks--

I want you to shoot first and ask questions later.

- You understand? - I understand.

- Mr. Smart... - You can call me Max.

Max...

thank you.

You're welcome.

- One more thing-- - ( bullet ricochets )

Forget it.

( theme music playing )

( knocking on door )

Is that you, Mr. Smart?

Yes, it's me, Max. Open up.

How did you find out about that?

- How did I find out about what? - That secret panel.

That's my own personal and highly secretive invention.

( giggles ) How exciting.

Yes, I use it so I can get in when I forget my keys.

Tisha, what are you wearing?

Oh, I took the liberty of borrowing a pair of your pajamas.

- I hope you don't mind. - No, that's all right.

- My, you are neat man, Mr. Smart. - Uh, thank you, Tisha.

Shirts in one drawer and socks in another drawer,

classified information in another drawer.

I couldn't get the top drawer open though.

I always keep that drawer locked.

Why? What's in it?

Pajama bottoms.

Listen, Tisha. You better get dressed.

We've got to go down to CONTROL headquarters and see the Chief.

He wants you to look at some pictures

so maybe you can identify your would-be abductors.

Ooh. I'll hurry.

Wait a minute, Tisha. Did anybody try to get in here last night?

No, your landlord came to the door, but I wouldn't let him in.

Good girl. What did he want?

He wanted to know if there was a girl in your apartment.

- I told him no. - Good. What did he say to that?

He said you better take something for your cold.

Yes, well, why don't you go get dressed, Tisha?

- I'll hurry. - And...

don't put those pajama tops in with the classified information.

Mr. Smart, I'm in terrible danger, aren't I?

Yes, Tisha, but don't worry about it. You're in good hands.

You'll be protected 24 hours around the clock

by a CONTROL agent who is highly intelligent,

extremely perceptive

and absolutely fearless.

- Oh. - What's the matter?

Well, I was hoping it would be you.

Miss Heinschmidt, this is the Chief.

Chief, this is Miss Heinschmidt.

- Miss Heinschmidt. - Hi.

Uh, Miss Heinschmidt, do you think you could identify

the men who tried to kidnap you last night?

I'm afraid not.

It was dark. I couldn't see.

Well, I can confirm that, Chief.

Last night was a very dark night.

Well, who'd want to kidnap little ol' me?

Your father is a very valuable scientist.

There are certain people who'd like to get hold of him.

Like who?

Tisha, there is an organization of shrewd, determined men

who have been trying to get control of this country

for a number of years. Perhaps you have heard of them.

Oh, you mean the republicans.

No, we mean KAOS.

- KAOS? - Max: Yes.

A monstrous organization of evil

dedicated to the destruction of the free world

and the systematic subjugation

of every man, woman and child on this planet.

Oh, my daddy wouldn't work for them.

He hates to see children subjugated.

- Miss Heinschmidt-- - Would you call me "Miss USA"?

It sounds so much nicer than "Miss Heinschmidt."

Miss USA, it's obvious you are in great danger.

I must recommend that you withdraw from the contest.

Withdraw from the contest?

Well, I can't. I simply can't.

But your life may be at stake.

It doesn't matter.

I love this contest and all that it stands for--

beauty, cooperation, friendliness,

and $10,000 in prize money.

Chief, can I talk to you for a minute?

- Yes, Max. - Excuse us.

Chief, she just gave me an idea.

Forget it, Max.

No, Chief, you don't understand.

It's obvious from what this girl tells us

that KAOS has infiltrated this contest.

Now if we want to ferret them out

we're going to need this girl's help.

It's dangerous, but she seems willing.

Yes, so what we have to do is assign a CONTROL agent to her,

someone the girl can trust.

Max, I want you to stay by her side 24 hours a day and guard her.

This is your case, Max.

All right, Chief, but there's one problem.

I'm going to be the only man there.

Those girls will all be trying to make a play for me.

Why, they'll be all over me like a swarm of locusts.

So what's the problem?

When am I going to find time to work on the case?

You know, Carlson, I always wanted to wear one of these opera hats.

It's neat the way they fold up.

- Smart! - What is it, Carlson?

- That hat doesn't fold. - Well, I can see that.

Oh, don't!

( bullet ricochets )

Say, Carlson, it's a good thing I got this umbrella.

Again.

Did you tell him about the camera?

I was just about to.

Give me the umbrella, Max.

Be careful, Chief. It's not only an umbrella,

- it's a rifle. - I know, Max,

and it also has a high-speed camera in the handle.

This is the lens and this is the shutter release.

Oh, I get it, Chief. If a KAOS agent attacks me,

I can take his picture.

Max, the purpose of this umbrella is to take pictures of the contestants.

Get the film back here. We'll process them and put them through the computer.

Chief, do you think it's fair

to judge the girls on looks alone?

Max, we are not judging the contest.

I have a suspicion that one of the entrants is a KAOS plant.

Now, the computer will make the identification.

You've got to take a picture of every girl in that contest.

- In bathing suits? - Any way you want.

Okay, bathing suits.

Max, if my hunch proves correct,

one of the photos will identify a beautiful KAOS agent.

Well, what will we do with the rest of the pictures, Chief?

What do you suggest?

50-50?

Come, we go.

Did you ever see so many gorgeous females?

Tisha, to me this is just another job.

Let's go.

What happened?

You fell over the luggage.

Right.

Shh. Don't make a sound.

We have to check out this entire suite

and make sure it isn't bugged.

You take the bedroom. I'll take the living room.

- Did you find anything? - Nope, did you?

- No. - Well, what do we do now?

Call the desk and have the maid make up the room.

Gosh, Mr. Smart, you're too nice to be a secret agent.

Well, there are good secret agents and there are bad secret agents.

There are? Well, what's the difference?

Well, the good secret agents are on our side.

The bad secret agents are on their side.

Hello, this is room 613.

Would you send a maid up, please?

- Thank you. - Golly, Mr. Smart...

you sure are taking good care of little ol' me.

I sure hope there won't be any trouble.

Well, I don't think there will be, Tisha.

Although there's something that's been bothering me.

Somehow I feel that I've seen that face somewhere before.

- What face? - The face on that fat stupid chaperone.

- So I'm fat and stupid, eh? - Quiet.

You could afford to lose a little weight, stupid.

You'll pay for this, Mr. Maxwell Smart.

Maxwell Smart?

- Yes. - Are you certain?

Yes, I saw his picture in the post office at KAOS headquarters.

Oh, and I assume the presence of Mr. Maxwell Smart

will change the nature of our mission.

Yes. Before we get the girl, we must kill Smart.

But how? We are under strict orders

to do nothing that will attract attention to ourselves.

Yes. Wait...

there is to be a cocktail party this afternoon

in suite of Miss USA, no?

Yes.

What better way to commit a quiet murder

than in a noisy party?

Pardon me, but could you tell me where the hors d'oeuvres are?

- I was looking for a piece of cheese. - Cheese?

- ( clicks camera ) - Thank you.

Would you like some champagne?

No, I'm sorry, but I'm not drinking.

I notice you're not drinking either.

It's humble custom to drink only tea.

I took the privilege of ordering some.

Oh, here it is now.

Permit me, please.

Would you care to join me?

Good idea.

Do you like your tea strong?

Just a couple of more dunks, please.

Here, I'll take that.

- To your health. - To yours.

( sizzling )

I've heard of strong tea, but this is ridiculous.

Pardon me.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Oh, yes. Thank you very much.

It's a delightful party.

Yes, it is.

American men. Mmm.

So exciting, so suave,

so-- so debonair.

Well, thank you for saying so.

You just put the lit end of the cigarette in your mouth.

Yes, well, that way I don't get too many ashes on the floor.

Oh, I feel terribly warm.

Would you be kind enough to open a window?

Certainly.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention, please?

I would like to propose a toast

to the ladies of the contest--

the most beautiful girls in the world.

( applause )

( screaming )

What happened?

Well, either KAOS just lost one of its agents

or the people in this hotel just aren't tipping enough.

Here's your umbrella. Have you taken enough pictures yet?

Are you kidding? I'm on my third handle.

Listen, I've got to get the film from this back to the laboratory

and have it run through the computer.

Then we'll know which one of the contestants

is the rotten, vicious, evil KAOS killer.

Oh, I hope it's nobody nice.

Look, the party's beginning to break up. Now I am going to leave.

I want you to stay here in this room. Don't budge.

Have you still got the gun I gave you last night?

- I sure have. - Where is it?

- On the table next to the bed. - Good.

Back at your apartment.

Have you got a headache?

Carlson, this film was smuggled out of KAOS headquarters.

It contains pictures of their top staff,

codebooks and maps of their global network.

We've got to be especially careful with it.

It cannot be duplicated. I'll stand by while you develop it.

I understand, Chief. I'll use extra fine developer.

- Would you close the door, please? - Oh, yeah.

Careful now.

Max: Carlson?

Anybody here?

Carlson, are you in there?

Both: Don't open the door!

Whatcha got there, Chief?

Nothing, Max. Absolutely nothing.

Well, I've got something here--

pictures of every girl at that hotel.

Process it, Carlson.

Carlson, have you noticed

that the Chief is getting a little moody lately?

Max: Miss Transmania?

We've identified her as the KAOS agent.

Now look at this picture.

Who's this, Chief?

That's Dimitri Sokolov, a deadly KAOS agent.

Now look at this picture.

Why, that's Miss Transmania's chaperone.

Wrong, Max. That's Sokolov.

That's Sokolov?

What's he been taking, hormones?

Max, Sokolov is not her chaperone. He's her husband.

These KAOS agents are in the room next to Tisha's.

I've got to get back to the hotel. She's in danger.

Max, whatever you do, remember rule five of code 19.

Uh, I've forgotten rule five, Chief.

But I know rule six.

- Rule six? - Yes, Chief.

Rule six states that all CONTROL agents

must memorize rule five

before proceeding to rule six.

- Max. - Yes, Chief?

Do the words "get out" mean anything to you?

Bye.

Well, she started it.

All right, inside. Come on, move.

All right, get over there.

Okay, let the girl go.

Now back up against that wall.

Come on, move.

Now turn around and put your hands up.

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Miss Formosa, this is no time for tea.

Is always time for tea. Tea refreshes.

Dimitri: Good work, comrade.

You will receive a hero's medal from our government.

( gasps )

You see, my country also wants

daughter of famous American scientist.

But we're all working for the same cause.

Comrade, we're all members of KAOS.

That is true, but your brand of KAOS is weak and confused.

Only in our country is their pure KAOS.

And now Mr. Smart, you're about to become an ex-control agent.

Wait a minute. Couldn't I just resign?

( groans )

Golly gee, that wasn't very nice, was it?

No, it wasn't.

But I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha,

in the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.

Well, after all, it is my third beauty contest.

Max, you did a fine job.

Well, thank you, Chief.

You know, there's one thing that puzzles me about all this though.

I don't understand how the computer

failed to identify the KAOS agent who was

posing as Miss Formosa. I'm sure I sent in a picture of her.

Let me show you, Max.

Here are different girls from that same area of the world.

This one is the KAOS agent.

This one is a student.

This is the real contestant.

This one's a dental technician.

The computer's only human after all.

I see, Chief. To the computer, they all looked alike.

( intercom buzzes )

Hello? Oh, yes, Carlson. Right away.

I have to go down to the lab to see Carlson.

- Wait here, Max. I'll be right back. - Right, Chief.

( phone rings )

CONTROL headquarters.

Code 16? Hang on, 27. We'll get you out.

( sirens and alarms wail )

Now hear this. Now hear this.

All personnel stand by. Code 16. Code 16.

Red alert! Red alert!

( sirens and alarms continue wailing )

Here, Larrabee, take this.

Chief: Max, who sent in the Code 16?

Agent 27, Chief.

I've got to contact the White House.

Chief, what is a Code 16?

Invasion from outer space.

Put me through to the president.

Hello, 27, this is the Chief. Who is it, the Martians?

Code 15?!

Max, this is a Code 15, not 16!

Missed it by that much.

( theme music playing )