All language subtitles for Get Smart S02E20 The Girls from KAOS.DVDRip.NonHI.cc.en.HBO

- Camptown ladies sing this song.
- Doo-dah, doo-dah.

- Camptown race track five miles long.
- Oh-de-doo-dah-day.

( singing )

- Is that you, 24?
- Yes, 86.

Are you sure
you weren't followed?

Absolutely sure.

Are you ready
for my report?

Go ahead.

All right, to begin with,

after the most thorough
investigation on my part,

it is my considered belief

that there is absolutely nothing
suspicious about this museum.

What about the
anonymous tip

that the museum
is somehow tied in

with the mysterious

disappearance of four
CONTROL agents?

Negative.

- Are you sure, 86?
- I'm absolutely positive.

I'm willing to stake my reputation on
that observation.

As a matter of fact,
it's my considered opinion

that this museum is one

of the few safe places
left in the world

where CONTROL agents
can meet.

Well, I guess that's it.

I'll see you back
at headquarters, 24.

Oh, incidentally,
that's a fantastic disguise.

But take my advice:
do something about your voice.

It's a dead giveaway.

( theme music playing )

I don't understand it, Max.

If nothing suspicious
is going on at that museum,

why hasn't Agent 24
been heard from

since your meeting
two days ago?

I don't know, Chief. Maybe he was picked
up on the way back.

Picked up by whom?

Well, the way
he was dressed,

it could've been
by a couple of sailors.

Max, what are you
talking about?

Well, Chief, the last time
that I saw Agent 24,

he was wearing a dress,

lipstick, high heels
and a brunette wig.

Agent 24 wasn't
working in disguise.

He wasn't?

Oh, well, in that case,
when he gets back,

he better have a long talk
with the CONTROL psychiatrist.

Agent 24 is
a good agent.

I don't know why
you're knocking him.

Well, okay, Chief, if you feel that way
about it,

when he gets back,
I'll take him dancing.

Here's something
interesting.

It says here the mummy
of the Egyptian

King Tut IV is due to arrive
in the United States today.

Oh, really?
When is his daddy due?

No, Max, his mummy.
King Tut IV is dead.

Oh, and you want me
to find out who killed him.

Max, he died more
than 3,000 years ago.

Oh, that's bad, Chief.

It's gonna be very difficult
to round up witnesses.

Max, you're missing
the point. Now listen,

it says here
that King Tut's mummy

is going to be
placed on exhibit

at the museum
starting tomorrow.

Now, oddly enough,
the mummy of another pharaoh

arrived at the museum
three days ago.

Was he dead too?

Of course!

They certainly do
a lousy job of packing.

Max, that same day
Agent 24 disappeared.

And the mummy
of another pharaoh

arrived at the museum
12 days ago.

And that was the day

that Agent 47 disappeared.

Right. Now do you see
why I'm so suspicious?

No.

Max, I want you
to go back to the museum

and check everything
out thoroughly.

And you'd better wear
a disguise because they might

recognize you from before.

Oh, and incidentally,
Agent 13 is staked out there

doing surveillance.

- If you need him, contact him.
- Right, Chief.

- Wait a minute, Chief,
I just thought of something.

- What is it?

If there's another mummy arriving
tomorrow,

isn't there a good chance
that I'll disappear too?

- I doubt it.
- Why?

Because I'm not
that lucky, that's why.

What's the matter
with you lately, Chief?

You go from a bad mood
to a terrible mood just like that.

Get going, Max.

Right, Chief.

24?

24?

24? Are you around here, 24?

Camptown ladies sing
this song, doo-dah, doo-dah...

Camptown racetrack
five miles long...

( singing in response )

- Oh, it's you, 13.
- Of course it's me.

- Well, how are things going?
- Terrible!

What's the matter now?

How would you like somebody
to water you six times a day?

Listen, 13, if you
hate your job so much,

why don't you get into
some other line of business?

Because I'm a trained
espionage agent.

And besides,
it runs in the family.

Your father is a spy?

No, my mother.

- Really?
- Yeah.

She was very big
in World War I.

No kidding?

What's her name?

I don't know.
She won't tell us.

Listen, 13,
have you seen 24 around?

No.

Well, have you noticed anything
suspicious going on here?

Oh, yeah, keep your eye on
Dr. Ramsey, the museum curator.

If ever I've seen a sinister character,
it's him.

There's nothing
I can put my finger on,

it's-- oh, 86, will
you do me a favor?

What?

You won't tell the Chief that
my mother's a spy, will ya?

Well, okay, but why?

I don't think
she's on our side.

Mr. Smart?

I beg your pardon?

Aren't you Maxwell Smart,
the secret agent?

Why do you say that?
I mean...

what do you know
about Maxwell Smart?

Well, I know
that Maxwell Smart

is handsome
and fearless,

and that he's
a dedicated battler

against evil
and injustice.

And that he's
the kind of man any girl

would fall instantly
in love with.

- Of course, if you're not him...
- Who says I'm not?

Oh, I'm so relieved
that you're him, Mr. Smart.

Tell me this:

Since my true identity is such
a closely guarded secret,

how were you
able to recognize me?

I saw your picture in one of
the secret agent fan magazines.

Oh, yes, of course.

That must have been the May issue of
"Popular Espionage."

No, it was that
picture of you in

"True lmpossible
Spy Stories Monthly."

They did a story on me?

Actually, it was
an advertisement

for a decoding device.

Oh, I forgot about that.

The little Handy-Dandy
Pocket Decoder.

You looked wonderful in the ad. I went
right out and bought one.

My name is Lisa Smith.

I'm assistant curator
here at the museum. And--

I'm a little concerned about things that
are going on here.

What sort of things?

That's just it. So far, it's nothing I
can put my finger on.

That's strange.

I just heard about another finger
exactly like yours.

Tell me, Miss Smith,

has the mummy of King Tut IV
arrived yet?

No, but it's
due any minute.

Well, I'll tell
you what you do--

if you notice anything suspicious,
here's my card.

Just call me.

I don't understand what these letters
and numbers mean.

Oh, well, just use your Handy-Dandy
Pocket Decoder.

Name, please.

KAOS Agent BR-29,
Dr. Ramsey.

Correct.
Ticket, please.

Now when you're
ready to return home,

try to notify me at least
10 days in advance,

especially during
the holiday season.

All right,
out you come.

KAOS International wants
another CONTROL agent

kidnapped and shipped out
in my place immediately.

Mmm, I see.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Now let me see,
we want a CONTROL agent

approximately 5'9" tall,

who weighs in the neighborhood
of 150 lbs.

( clicks, whirs )

Who is the next CONTROL
agent to be a guest

of KAOS European
headquarters?

Which of our enemies
will we have the pleasure

of kidnapping and torturing
for information?

Maxwell Smart.

So you made a contact
at the museum for us.

That's very interesting.
Who is it, Max?

I can't give you that information
right out here in the open, Chief!

It's highly confidential.

I demand
the Cone of Silence.

Max, the Cone of Silence
is not operating properly.

Can't you just
whisper it to me?

Chief, five of our
best agents have disappeared

on this case already.

Then write it on a piece
of paper and pass it to me.

Do you realize that an innocent girl's
life may be in danger

because of this information?

How about writing it
in code in disappearing ink?

Absolutely not, Chief.
This information is too vital.

We'll have to use
the coughing code.

Max, the coughing code
has been dispensed with.

Too many agents were
giving each other colds.

I don't care, Chief.
Either we use the coughing code,

or we wait until
the Cone of Silence is fixed.

( sighs )
All right, Max,

the coughing code.

Let me have
the information.

( coughing )

That's very interesting.

( coughing )

That's very strange.

Wait till you
hear this, Chief.

( coughing )

Wow.

Just one question, Max.

- ( coughs )
- Aw, that's a tough one, Chief.

Would you mind
rephrasing that cough?

( coughing )

Oh, well that
I don't know.

But take my advice, Chief:
see a doctor.

That's a nasty cough
you've got there.

Max, do you swear that everything you've
coughed

is the absolute truth?

Absolutely, Chief.

Miss Lisa Smith is the assistant curator
of the museum

and she works
for a Dr. Ramsey.

And she told me
that she thought

there were some strange things going on
at that museum

that she couldn't
put her finger on,

but the first time
she saw anything suspicious,

she would call me.

( coughs, sneezes )

- ( coughs )
- What'd you say?

- God bless you.
- ( phone buzzing )

Hello?

Oh, yes, just a moment please.
It's for you, Max.

Hello, Maxwell Smart here.

Mr. Smart, this is
Lisa Smith at the museum.

Chief, it's her!

Yes, Miss Smith,
what can I do for you?

You asked me to call
if anything suspicious

happened at
the museum, Mr. Smart.

Well, something has,
and I'm very worried.

Could we meet somewhere
later today?

Well, yes, of course.

How about my apartment,

about 6:00? My address
is on the card.

Thank you, Mr. Smart.

I'll be there.

What'd she say, Max?

She has some information
for me, Chief.

Wants to meet me at my place
tonight about 6:00.

I don't think
I approve of that.

Don't worry, Chief.
I'll be a perfect gentleman.

Max, what do you know
about this girl?

She might be leading you
into some kind of trap.

Well, I suppose
that's possible.

Here.

Before you
discuss anything,

slip one of these
into her drink.

- What are they, Chief?
- Truth serum in pill form.

Once she's taken it,
all you have to do is ask her

if she's on the level.
She has to answer truthfully.

Well, all right, Chief.

If it'll make you
feel any better, I'll put

one of them in her drink.

But I'm telling you this,

I know my women.

And this is one girl
I'd trust with my very life.

Then after you distract
Maxwell Smart, Miss Smith,

slip this little knockout pill
into his drink.

After he passes out,
we'll do the rest.

What is the rest,
Dr. Ramsey?

A little trip
for Mr. Smart--

a trip that'll mean
a victory for KAOS

and death
for Maxwell Smart.

( chuckling )

- ( knocking )
- ( clears throat )

- Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir, Monsieur Smart.

( speaks French )

And a que será será
to you.

( hand crunches )

Well...

I'm so glad you could
make it, Miss Smith.

( door clicks shut )

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.
( lock clicks )

I will.

Well, shall we have a little champagne
before we talk?

- Please.
- I think you'll enjoy this.

Oh, I intend
to enjoy it very much.

Would you like
a little in your glass?

Yes, please.

This is a very
special champagne.

- Notice the year.
- Oh, yes,

1969?

Yes, it's
an advance bottle.

I understand that that will be
a very good year for wine.

- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.

Light?

You really have
a charming apartment.

- Thank you.
- ( sighs )

Well...

Well...

Mr. Smart...

Miss Smith...

I was wondering if you would mind
dimming the lights.

It's rather bright in here.

Good idea.

I was just going
to suggest that myself.

Would you care
for some music?

No, thank you.

I'd rather we just talk.

Ah, yes, the lost
art of conversation.

Well, exactly what did you
want to talk about, Miss Smith?

In a moment.

But first, to you.

Excellent champagne.

Are you kidding? This is the cheapest
champagne I could buy.

Now, Miss Smith,
I want you to tell me

the complete
and absolute truth.

Miss Smith?

Sound asleep.

I wonder if it was
something I said.

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Hello, Chief,
this is Max.

- Well, you've done it again.
- I've done what again?

You and your truth pill.

The only thing it did
was to put her to sleep.

Sleep, Max?
That's impossible.

Let's face it, Chief,
the way you run CONTROL,

nothing is impossible.

Max, you are talking
to your superior!

Let's be honest, Chief,
you may be my boss,

but the only thing
superior about you

compared to me
is your salary.

Max, what's come over you?

I don't know, Chief.

I apologize.

It's not your fault
that you're not the

smartest man in the world.

Max, could you
have somehow taken

that truth pill by mistake?

Could I have taken
that truth pill by mistake?

You know something, Chief,
I think you're right.

And it's giving me
a terrible headache!

Max! Max, are you there?

Max!

Weight: 149 lbs,

height: 5' 91/2".

Strange,
according our file,

he should be
exactly 5'9" tall.

You forgot the half inch
for the bump on my head.

I'm sorry, Max.

If you weren't a CONTROL agent
we could've had fun together.

What are you doing?

In case the box is opened
by customs, Mr. Smart,

we want them to find a mummy,
not a captured CONTROL agent.

I hope you realize
what this means, Doctor.

What's that?

You'll never get your license renewed in
this state again.

He's wrapped
for shipping, Doctor.

Good.
Put a "Handle with care"

label on the mummy case,
Miss Smith.

How about
"Rhis end up"?

( beeping )

Oh, that's the shortwave,
Miss Smith.

- Will you answer it?
- Of course, Doctor.

( beeping continues )

Now then, Mr. Smart,

something no sophisticated traveler
should be without.

What is it, a new way
to serve martinis?

A relatively harmless serum

which will render you
completely rigid within the hour

and keep you in that condition long
enough for us to ship you

to KAOS headquarters
in Europe.

Ow!

Doctor, do you
have a Band-Aid?

It's KAOS
International calling.

Coming.

( whispering )
Max?

Max, where are you?

- ( Max groans )
- Oh, excuse me.

- Max: Chief.
- Max?

Is that you?
Are you all right?

I'm lying here bandaged
from head to foot

and you ask me
if I'm all right.

You'd make some lousy
ambulance driver.

I'll unwrap you.

Hurry, Chief.
They gave me an injection,

and I'm supposed to turn

rigid any minute and stay
that way an entire week.

( footsteps approaching )

Somebody's coming.

Dr. Ramsey, look.

Drop it.

Now the gun.

( Max groans )

- Sorry about that, Max.
- Drop it!

( Max thuds )

It's all right, Max.
It's Agent 13. We're safe.

Drop it!

Dr. Ramsey, I presume.

Correct. And you must be
the Chief of CONTROL.

- That's right.
- How unfortunate.

Now I'm afraid I shall
have to kill you both.

You first, Mr. Smart.

You wouldn't
hit a lady, would you?

( laughs )
Well, I-- no.

- Good.
- ( grunts )

( groans )

Everybody stay
right where you are.

Chief:
All right, 13,

get them out of here.

All right, you two,
on your way.

( grunts )
Max, how do you feel?

Are you kidding, Chief?

I've got a terrible headache, every bone
in my body is broken

and I've got heartburn.

Max, I had no choice.

It's all right, Chief.
I understand.

There was nothing
else I could do--

- It's all right, Chief. Forget it.
- They had me covered

- all the time, Max--
- Drop it, Chief!

I wish I hadn't said that.

Just stand him up
over there.

That'll be $2.40.

$2.40? The meter
only read $1.90.

Yeah, well,
we charge 50¢ extra

for trunks and dummies.

Here, keep the change.

Well, Max, the case of the disappearing
CONTROL agents

is a closed book,
thanks to you.

Thanks to us, Chief.

No, Max,
thanks to you, remember?

I'm "not the smartest
guy in the world..."

Oh, come on, now, Chief,

you're still not annoyed
over that crack I made

while I was under the influence
of the truth pill?

No, Max, of course not.

The question is what are
we gonna do with you?

According to the CONTROL lab,
there's no antidote.

So you'll be like
that for the next week.

Well, why don't you
put me on sick leave?

'Cause you're not sick,
you're just stiff as a board.

Well, what do you
suggest, Chief?

Max, why don't you take your vacation
during the next week?

My vacation?!

Are you kidding?

How much fun could I have
in this kind of a condition?

Well, I'm sorry, Max.
Regulations are regulations.

Either you take your
vacation next week,

report here for work
Monday morning,

or you'll be
docked a week's pay.

Now, wait a minute, Chief.
Let me get this straight--

if I don't leave this office,
you have to pay me, right?

That's right. Now shall I
call you a cab and take you home?

Now just let's
figure this out.

The cab takes me
home now, that's $2.20,

50¢ to carry me
upstairs,

then $2.20 to bring me
back again here Monday.

If it's all the same
with you, Chief,

I think I'll
just stay here.

I could act as night
security guard.

Well, what are you gonna do
if something happens?

You can't press
the alarm button.

Well, I could fall down

with a tremendous thud.

Well, I'll tell them to
listen for you downstairs.

- Good night, Max.
- Wait a minute, Chief.

One more thing--

I hope I wasn't out
of line with that crack

about you not being
the smartest guy in the world.

It's all right, Max.

( Max thuds )

Max:
Of course, who am I to say?

( theme music playing )