Original subtitles

- Camptown ladies sing this song. - Doo-dah, doo-dah.

- Camptown race track five miles long. - Oh-de-doo-dah-day.

( singing )

- Is that you, 24? - Yes, 86.

Are you sure you weren't followed?

Absolutely sure.

Are you ready for my report?

Go ahead.

All right, to begin with,

after the most thorough investigation on my part,

it is my considered belief

that there is absolutely nothing suspicious about this museum.

What about the anonymous tip

that the museum is somehow tied in

with the mysterious

disappearance of four CONTROL agents?

Negative.

- Are you sure, 86? - I'm absolutely positive.

I'm willing to stake my reputation on that observation.

As a matter of fact, it's my considered opinion

that this museum is one

of the few safe places left in the world

where CONTROL agents can meet.

Well, I guess that's it.

I'll see you back at headquarters, 24.

Oh, incidentally, that's a fantastic disguise.

But take my advice: do something about your voice.

It's a dead giveaway.

( theme music playing )

I don't understand it, Max.

If nothing suspicious is going on at that museum,

why hasn't Agent 24 been heard from

since your meeting two days ago?

I don't know, Chief. Maybe he was picked up on the way back.

Picked up by whom?

Well, the way he was dressed,

it could've been by a couple of sailors.

Max, what are you talking about?

Well, Chief, the last time that I saw Agent 24,

he was wearing a dress,

lipstick, high heels and a brunette wig.

Agent 24 wasn't working in disguise.

He wasn't?

Oh, well, in that case, when he gets back,

he better have a long talk with the CONTROL psychiatrist.

Agent 24 is a good agent.

I don't know why you're knocking him.

Well, okay, Chief, if you feel that way about it,

when he gets back, I'll take him dancing.

Here's something interesting.

It says here the mummy of the Egyptian

King Tut IV is due to arrive in the United States today.

Oh, really? When is his daddy due?

No, Max, his mummy. King Tut IV is dead.

Oh, and you want me to find out who killed him.

Max, he died more than 3,000 years ago.

Oh, that's bad, Chief.

It's gonna be very difficult to round up witnesses.

Max, you're missing the point. Now listen,

it says here that King Tut's mummy

is going to be placed on exhibit

at the museum starting tomorrow.

Now, oddly enough, the mummy of another pharaoh

arrived at the museum three days ago.

Was he dead too?

Of course!

They certainly do a lousy job of packing.

Max, that same day Agent 24 disappeared.

And the mummy of another pharaoh

arrived at the museum 12 days ago.

And that was the day

that Agent 47 disappeared.

Right. Now do you see why I'm so suspicious?

No.

Max, I want you to go back to the museum

and check everything out thoroughly.

And you'd better wear a disguise because they might

recognize you from before.

Oh, and incidentally, Agent 13 is staked out there

doing surveillance.

- If you need him, contact him. - Right, Chief.

- Wait a minute, Chief, I just thought of something.

- What is it?

If there's another mummy arriving tomorrow,

isn't there a good chance that I'll disappear too?

- I doubt it. - Why?

Because I'm not that lucky, that's why.

What's the matter with you lately, Chief?

You go from a bad mood to a terrible mood just like that.

Get going, Max.

Right, Chief.

24?

24?

24? Are you around here, 24?

Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah...

Camptown racetrack five miles long...

( singing in response )

- Oh, it's you, 13. - Of course it's me.

- Well, how are things going? - Terrible!

What's the matter now?

How would you like somebody to water you six times a day?

Listen, 13, if you hate your job so much,

why don't you get into some other line of business?

Because I'm a trained espionage agent.

And besides, it runs in the family.

Your father is a spy?

No, my mother.

- Really? - Yeah.

She was very big in World War I.

No kidding?

What's her name?

I don't know. She won't tell us.

Listen, 13, have you seen 24 around?

No.

Well, have you noticed anything suspicious going on here?

Oh, yeah, keep your eye on Dr. Ramsey, the museum curator.

If ever I've seen a sinister character, it's him.

There's nothing I can put my finger on,

it's-- oh, 86, will you do me a favor?

What?

You won't tell the Chief that my mother's a spy, will ya?

Well, okay, but why?

I don't think she's on our side.

Mr. Smart?

I beg your pardon?

Aren't you Maxwell Smart, the secret agent?

Why do you say that? I mean...

what do you know about Maxwell Smart?

Well, I know that Maxwell Smart

is handsome and fearless,

and that he's a dedicated battler

against evil and injustice.

And that he's the kind of man any girl

would fall instantly in love with.

- Of course, if you're not him... - Who says I'm not?

Oh, I'm so relieved that you're him, Mr. Smart.

Tell me this:

Since my true identity is such a closely guarded secret,

how were you able to recognize me?

I saw your picture in one of the secret agent fan magazines.

Oh, yes, of course.

That must have been the May issue of "Popular Espionage."

No, it was that picture of you in

"True lmpossible Spy Stories Monthly."

They did a story on me?

Actually, it was an advertisement

for a decoding device.

Oh, I forgot about that.

The little Handy-Dandy Pocket Decoder.

You looked wonderful in the ad. I went right out and bought one.

My name is Lisa Smith.

I'm assistant curator here at the museum. And--

I'm a little concerned about things that are going on here.

What sort of things?

That's just it. So far, it's nothing I can put my finger on.

That's strange.

I just heard about another finger exactly like yours.

Tell me, Miss Smith,

has the mummy of King Tut IV arrived yet?

No, but it's due any minute.

Well, I'll tell you what you do--

if you notice anything suspicious, here's my card.

Just call me.

I don't understand what these letters and numbers mean.

Oh, well, just use your Handy-Dandy Pocket Decoder.

Name, please.

KAOS Agent BR-29, Dr. Ramsey.

Correct. Ticket, please.

Now when you're ready to return home,

try to notify me at least 10 days in advance,

especially during the holiday season.

All right, out you come.

KAOS International wants another CONTROL agent

kidnapped and shipped out in my place immediately.

Mmm, I see.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Now let me see, we want a CONTROL agent

approximately 5'9" tall,

who weighs in the neighborhood of 150 lbs.

( clicks, whirs )

Who is the next CONTROL agent to be a guest

of KAOS European headquarters?

Which of our enemies will we have the pleasure

of kidnapping and torturing for information?

Maxwell Smart.

So you made a contact at the museum for us.

That's very interesting. Who is it, Max?

I can't give you that information right out here in the open, Chief!

It's highly confidential.

I demand the Cone of Silence.

Max, the Cone of Silence is not operating properly.

Can't you just whisper it to me?

Chief, five of our best agents have disappeared

on this case already.

Then write it on a piece of paper and pass it to me.

Do you realize that an innocent girl's life may be in danger

because of this information?

How about writing it in code in disappearing ink?

Absolutely not, Chief. This information is too vital.

We'll have to use the coughing code.

Max, the coughing code has been dispensed with.

Too many agents were giving each other colds.

I don't care, Chief. Either we use the coughing code,

or we wait until the Cone of Silence is fixed.

( sighs ) All right, Max,

the coughing code.

Let me have the information.

( coughing )

That's very interesting.

( coughing )

That's very strange.

Wait till you hear this, Chief.

( coughing )

Wow.

Just one question, Max.

- ( coughs ) - Aw, that's a tough one, Chief.

Would you mind rephrasing that cough?

( coughing )

Oh, well that I don't know.

But take my advice, Chief: see a doctor.

That's a nasty cough you've got there.

Max, do you swear that everything you've coughed

is the absolute truth?

Absolutely, Chief.

Miss Lisa Smith is the assistant curator of the museum

and she works for a Dr. Ramsey.

And she told me that she thought

there were some strange things going on at that museum

that she couldn't put her finger on,

but the first time she saw anything suspicious,

she would call me.

( coughs, sneezes )

- ( coughs ) - What'd you say?

- God bless you. - ( phone buzzing )

Hello?

Oh, yes, just a moment please. It's for you, Max.

Hello, Maxwell Smart here.

Mr. Smart, this is Lisa Smith at the museum.

Chief, it's her!

Yes, Miss Smith, what can I do for you?

You asked me to call if anything suspicious

happened at the museum, Mr. Smart.

Well, something has, and I'm very worried.

Could we meet somewhere later today?

Well, yes, of course.

How about my apartment,

about 6:00? My address is on the card.

Thank you, Mr. Smart.

I'll be there.

What'd she say, Max?

She has some information for me, Chief.

Wants to meet me at my place tonight about 6:00.

I don't think I approve of that.

Don't worry, Chief. I'll be a perfect gentleman.

Max, what do you know about this girl?

She might be leading you into some kind of trap.

Well, I suppose that's possible.

Here.

Before you discuss anything,

slip one of these into her drink.

- What are they, Chief? - Truth serum in pill form.

Once she's taken it, all you have to do is ask her

if she's on the level. She has to answer truthfully.

Well, all right, Chief.

If it'll make you feel any better, I'll put

one of them in her drink.

But I'm telling you this,

I know my women.

And this is one girl I'd trust with my very life.

Then after you distract Maxwell Smart, Miss Smith,

slip this little knockout pill into his drink.

After he passes out, we'll do the rest.

What is the rest, Dr. Ramsey?

A little trip for Mr. Smart--

a trip that'll mean a victory for KAOS

and death for Maxwell Smart.

( chuckling )

- ( knocking ) - ( clears throat )

- Bonsoir. - Bonsoir, Monsieur Smart.

( speaks French )

And a que será será to you.

( hand crunches )

Well...

I'm so glad you could make it, Miss Smith.

( door clicks shut )

Won't you sit down?

Thank you. ( lock clicks )

I will.

Well, shall we have a little champagne before we talk?

- Please. - I think you'll enjoy this.

Oh, I intend to enjoy it very much.

Would you like a little in your glass?

Yes, please.

This is a very special champagne.

- Notice the year. - Oh, yes,

1969?

Yes, it's an advance bottle.

I understand that that will be a very good year for wine.

- Cigarette? - No, thank you.

Light?

You really have a charming apartment.

- Thank you. - ( sighs )

Well...

Well...

Mr. Smart...

Miss Smith...

I was wondering if you would mind dimming the lights.

It's rather bright in here.

Good idea.

I was just going to suggest that myself.

Would you care for some music?

No, thank you.

I'd rather we just talk.

Ah, yes, the lost art of conversation.

Well, exactly what did you want to talk about, Miss Smith?

In a moment.

But first, to you.

Excellent champagne.

Are you kidding? This is the cheapest champagne I could buy.

Now, Miss Smith, I want you to tell me

the complete and absolute truth.

Miss Smith?

Sound asleep.

I wonder if it was something I said.

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Hello, Chief, this is Max.

- Well, you've done it again. - I've done what again?

You and your truth pill.

The only thing it did was to put her to sleep.

Sleep, Max? That's impossible.

Let's face it, Chief, the way you run CONTROL,

nothing is impossible.

Max, you are talking to your superior!

Let's be honest, Chief, you may be my boss,

but the only thing superior about you

compared to me is your salary.

Max, what's come over you?

I don't know, Chief.

I apologize.

It's not your fault that you're not the

smartest man in the world.

Max, could you have somehow taken

that truth pill by mistake?

Could I have taken that truth pill by mistake?

You know something, Chief, I think you're right.

And it's giving me a terrible headache!

Max! Max, are you there?

Max!

Weight: 149 lbs,

height: 5' 91/2".

Strange, according our file,

he should be exactly 5'9" tall.

You forgot the half inch for the bump on my head.

I'm sorry, Max.

If you weren't a CONTROL agent we could've had fun together.

What are you doing?

In case the box is opened by customs, Mr. Smart,

we want them to find a mummy, not a captured CONTROL agent.

I hope you realize what this means, Doctor.

What's that?

You'll never get your license renewed in this state again.

He's wrapped for shipping, Doctor.

Good. Put a "Handle with care"

label on the mummy case, Miss Smith.

How about "Rhis end up"?

( beeping )

Oh, that's the shortwave, Miss Smith.

- Will you answer it? - Of course, Doctor.

( beeping continues )

Now then, Mr. Smart,

something no sophisticated traveler should be without.

What is it, a new way to serve martinis?

A relatively harmless serum

which will render you completely rigid within the hour

and keep you in that condition long enough for us to ship you

to KAOS headquarters in Europe.

Ow!

Doctor, do you have a Band-Aid?

It's KAOS International calling.

Coming.

( whispering ) Max?

Max, where are you?

- ( Max groans ) - Oh, excuse me.

- Max: Chief. - Max?

Is that you? Are you all right?

I'm lying here bandaged from head to foot

and you ask me if I'm all right.

You'd make some lousy ambulance driver.

I'll unwrap you.

Hurry, Chief. They gave me an injection,

and I'm supposed to turn

rigid any minute and stay that way an entire week.

( footsteps approaching )

Somebody's coming.

Dr. Ramsey, look.

Drop it.

Now the gun.

( Max groans )

- Sorry about that, Max. - Drop it!

( Max thuds )

It's all right, Max. It's Agent 13. We're safe.

Drop it!

Dr. Ramsey, I presume.

Correct. And you must be the Chief of CONTROL.

- That's right. - How unfortunate.

Now I'm afraid I shall have to kill you both.

You first, Mr. Smart.

You wouldn't hit a lady, would you?

( laughs ) Well, I-- no.

- Good. - ( grunts )

( groans )

Everybody stay right where you are.

Chief: All right, 13,

get them out of here.

All right, you two, on your way.

( grunts ) Max, how do you feel?

Are you kidding, Chief?

I've got a terrible headache, every bone in my body is broken

and I've got heartburn.

Max, I had no choice.

It's all right, Chief. I understand.

There was nothing else I could do--

- It's all right, Chief. Forget it. - They had me covered

- all the time, Max-- - Drop it, Chief!

I wish I hadn't said that.

Just stand him up over there.

That'll be $2.40.

$2.40? The meter only read $1.90.

Yeah, well, we charge 50¢ extra

for trunks and dummies.

Here, keep the change.

Well, Max, the case of the disappearing CONTROL agents

is a closed book, thanks to you.

Thanks to us, Chief.

No, Max, thanks to you, remember?

I'm "not the smartest guy in the world..."

Oh, come on, now, Chief,

you're still not annoyed over that crack I made

while I was under the influence of the truth pill?

No, Max, of course not.

The question is what are we gonna do with you?

According to the CONTROL lab, there's no antidote.

So you'll be like that for the next week.

Well, why don't you put me on sick leave?

'Cause you're not sick, you're just stiff as a board.

Well, what do you suggest, Chief?

Max, why don't you take your vacation during the next week?

My vacation?!

Are you kidding?

How much fun could I have in this kind of a condition?

Well, I'm sorry, Max. Regulations are regulations.

Either you take your vacation next week,

report here for work Monday morning,

or you'll be docked a week's pay.

Now, wait a minute, Chief. Let me get this straight--

if I don't leave this office, you have to pay me, right?

That's right. Now shall I call you a cab and take you home?

Now just let's figure this out.

The cab takes me home now, that's $2.20,

50¢ to carry me upstairs,

then $2.20 to bring me back again here Monday.

If it's all the same with you, Chief,

I think I'll just stay here.

I could act as night security guard.

Well, what are you gonna do if something happens?

You can't press the alarm button.

Well, I could fall down

with a tremendous thud.

Well, I'll tell them to listen for you downstairs.

- Good night, Max. - Wait a minute, Chief.

One more thing--

I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack

about you not being the smartest guy in the world.

It's all right, Max.

( Max thuds )

Max: Of course, who am I to say?

( theme music playing )