Original subtitles

Don't touch your face.

It feels like a piece of ham.

Okay, I have got room temperature soup,

some ice cream, and a little smoothie but no straw

because I've done some reading on dry socket

and it's really fucked up and there's no way my girl's getting it.

You're the one for me.

Do you reckon?

Like, how often does this shit happen?

It's cosmic shit, like, I didn't even know you,

boom, I love you and we've got a dog.

- I know, I know. - I always wanted a dog.

It's amazing, isn't it?

- He's so great. - Yeah.

Not Mum, I don't want her.

- Meggles? - Meggles, yeah.

- Hey! It's my best girl.

- "It's my best girl"? Oh, look at you.

- "It's my best girl"? Oh, look at you.

A man stole my wisdom teeth and I paid him for it.

I hope you're not too high for this,

but, um, I want to ask you something.

Oh, shit.

Ashley Marie Molden,

will you be my maid of honour?

You got engaged!

Rumi asked me last night

after we saw her friend's one-woman show.

Oh, sounds awful.

Hey, hey, Meggles, congratulations, that's huge.

- This is Gordon. - Thank you, Gordy.

I mean, obviously, you don't like her, but...

Hey, hey, come on, I like her. If you like her, I like her.

- God, you've got good hair. - There you go.

Well, I love her, so it's happening.

Whoa, speedy Susans.

Well, that brings me to my next question.

Um, will you be my maid of honour this weekend?

- What? - Rumi's parents own a restaurant,

so we thought, fuck it, pop-up wedding, let's go.

But my big face.

It's five days away, you'll be fine.

It's five days away, you'll be fine.

No, Meggles, I'm not going to be fine.

Okay, hopefully, when you come down, you'll just be happy for us.

- Huh? - Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

- She's gone. - Oh.

- She's mad at me.

- Oh, well, she'll be all right.

- Who's getting married? - Not sure.

You can touch your face, eh?

Yeah, I can touch my... You can touch my face.

- Gentle. - Yeah.

- Oh. - Don't touch... I know

you want to touch it, but you can't touch it.

- I ain't touching it. - Don't touch it.

- Touch your face. Touch your face. - Touch his... Yeah.

- Now this one. - Don't touch it!

- All right.

Nuptu-ale was a stroke of genius on Brett's behalf.

Although, maybe leave the, um, graphic design to me,

because it's a little bit scissory.

Okay, this is looking good. I think our bar's going to slap.

And, Bretty, you came up on my Tinder this morning.

And I love you, but your profile's dog shit.

Oh. What are you talking about?

You have Year 12 rugby photos on there

and one with sunglasses on the back of your head.

Actually, give it to me.

Why is Colin in all your photos?

Oh, chicks love wheelchair dogs.

Use what you've got, Brett.

- I'm homeless. - No, you're not. You're a seafarer.

- Talk about water views. - Just say

that you're chief executive officer of a microbrewery.

- For real? - But that's you.

Just say you're chief operations officer of a microbrewery.

- Sweet! - But I am. That's what I am.

- Are you? - Yes.

Okay, you're chief fucking...

- executive brewer. - Am I, though?

Of course you are, mate!

Yeah, we're firing on all cylinders again.

Daddy's taking care of all his babies.

- Thanks, Daddy. - Okay, stop saying "daddy".

- I am your daddy! - I'm your daddy.

- Okay, just a wee...

heart starter, I think.

Now, don't forget you're working, Crappster.

No, you're working, Crappster.

I'm basically in the bridal party.

Hey, listen, could you two do me a favour today

Hey, listen, could you two do me a favour today

and just make a bit of a big show of how pretty Ash is?

She's always pretty.

- Yeah, beautiful girl. - Yeah, good, good. Say that.

How do I look?

You look... good.

You look good.

- Is the tan too much? - Nup.

Yeah, because I said two-hour regular but she sold me on the two-hour dark

because there's probably going to be flash photography.

Why did you get a tan, though?

Just because my face was all puffy from the wizzys,

so then I cut my own fringe,

thinking that it would give my face a bit more structure,

but it made me look fat, so then I got the spray tan to look skinny.

But is it too much? She said it would still look natural.

- It does. - Yeah, cool.

Yeah, but, like, we can't have three brides today, so I just,

I need you to chill out, okay?

Oh, totally. I'm just trying to look good for you.

Oh, I feel sick.

Hey, hey, listen to me.

Meggles, you know, you don't have to do this

because we can just say that you've got a stomach bug or something,

and I can get you out of here,

get a hotel room in the city on Mum's points,

and we can just wait it out until this whole thing blows over.

and we can just wait it out until this whole thing blows over.

No, I want to get married.

Good! See? That was a test.

Look, I know you don't like her.

Oh, I like her.

- Ash. - Yeah?

- Come on. - No!

I don't know what you mean, dog. She's, hmm...

- I know she's a lot. - Mm.

But when I'm with her...

I feel like me.

And I've been looking for that for a while.

And you know what that's like.

- With Gordy? - Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm not marrying him today.

- What... Would you ever? - Well, maybe.

Have to be a pretty killer proposal.

- Wow, you just got really basic. - I know. I felt that.

- I really am basic. - Yeah, look at you.

- Darling, could... - Hi, Dad!

Oh! My little girl. Look at you.

- Mum would have been so proud. - Oh, I think so too.

She would have been backing you all the way.

Oh my God. She would have loved it.

Oh my God. She would have loved it.

Ooh! Hello?

- Oh.

Hi, Bernie.

Hello... you?

It's Ash.

Of course it is! Sorry, Ash.

I like your, um...

Megs, I'm ravenous. What's there to eat?

Oh, sorry. Food's not here till three.

Three.

- What are you eating, Ash? - Nothing.

Oh, I do beg your pardon. Um...

I'll... go get...

- Does it look like I'm eating?

- To life. To love.

- Uh-oh. Don't leave that up here. - So sorry to interrupt.

I'm just looking for a... a spot to put these. Just be a sec.

- Hi, Rumi. - Hi.

Do you have a sec? Could I grab you?

What can I do for you, good sire?

Thanks for asking, my liege.

No, seriously, I wanted to just

apologize in person for dinner the other night,

and I wanted to also thank you for trusting us

with your alcohol service today,

and we just want you to have a very special day.

Sounds like it was written by AI.

It wasn't.

- Did Ash tell you to say that? - She did.

- Yeah. - Yep, yep, yep.

Do you need a hand with that?

- Okay, mate. It's just

they're hard to do, and I know how to do it. That's all.

Oh, I know. I've just been sitting here.

I don't know how to do it. I'm so helpless.

Thank heaven you came in.

Okay, mate. Nice hat, by the way.

You can go now.

- Fuck me. - I will not.

- There you are. - Hey, yes, I am!

And I'm just leaving this particular room, though.

- Hello! - Hi.

Oh, um, crew, this is M's maid of honour, Ash.

Oh, um, crew, this is M's maid of honour, Ash.

Who's M? Oh, M. Yeah, that's cute.

Yeah, it's me. I'm the maid of honour.

I had my wisdom teeth out. Probably can't tell.

Oh, yeah, a bit old-fashioned, but, yeah, nice. Nice tradition.

It's nice to be asked, but, yeah.

Not a maid. Wink, wink.

I'm Rumi's maid of honour, Hayley.

- Oh, really? - What?

I... I just thought, um,

well, there's only one maid of honour, normally,

and I thought that that was me.

Normally?

Well, originally.

Right.

Well, I mean, if you prefer, you could be,

you know, person of honour.

No, I want to be Rumi's maid of honour.

It's just that I'm the maid of honour.

Sorry, I'm the maid of honour.

I'm... I'm wearing the dress, so I guess I'm the maid.

Well, you just said you weren't a maid.

Yeah, as a joke, because I'm not a virgin, you know?

Are you a virgin?

None of your business.

No, it's none of my business.

Ah! Guests arrive in 20 minutes.

Ah! Guests arrive in 20 minutes.

The ceremony starts at 4:00 p.m. sharp.

Please use the #suddenlycashmere, and #bouquetsandbuttonholes

can be picked up from me at 3:45, because I am the maid of honour.

Okay.

Look, I actually do need help with this.

- Hi. - Hi, welcome.

- Uh, Beer, Echo Park Brewery. - Thank you.

- Champagne's fine too. - Thanks.

Echo Park Brewery. Like us on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram.

Echo Park Beer?

Yeah, please help yourself. Artisanally crafted for the event.

- What's he doing here? - Who?

It's Lee.

- Oh my God! Thank you. - It's so awkward.

I told Mum not to bring him.

- I'm sorry. Oh, Gordon, Gordon, Gordon!

- Um.

- Hey, hey. - Um, you have to kick Lee out.

Oh! What?

No, why?

Because... because Meggles and Rumi don't want him here.

- Okay. - You know, he makes

- people uncomfortable. - Yeah.

- Not the right vibe.

- Mm-mm! - Okay, yep, got it.

- Yep, yep. - Okay, Trish.

- Well, I'll see you on the dance floor.

- See you there.

My God! She's had some bad work done.

- Hey, guys. Hey. - Oh, Gordon.

- Hey, guys. Hey. - Oh, Gordon.

- Oh! My boy. - Oh, hey! Hey, Lynelle, how are you?

Isn't this wonderful? What a marvellous day to celebrate

the love between two beautiful young women.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, about that. This is, I'm afraid,

it's a pop-up wedding, so for that reason,

there are no plus ones. I'm so sorry.

What about Joni and Walter?

I... I don't know who they are,

but, yeah, there's set meals is the thing, so, yeah.

Oh, well, Lee won't eat much.

- I'm fasting. - Oh, really?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, that's... that's cool,

but... but the other thing is, it's... it's assigned seating,

- so, yeah, there's no... - Oh, no, he doesn't need a chair.

- I'll squat. Utkatasana. - Oh, come on, man.

- I... I... I... - He's my wedding gift!

Yes, it is true.

I plan to capture the sirens in celluloid forever.

Right, I think they've got a photographer, probably, so...

Yeah, listen, I guarantee you, that photographer

is off somewhere right now,

taking a close-up of someone's shoes,

which no one will look at ever.

- Well, be that as it may, I... - You see, I'm setting up

a locked-off camera for the ceremony.

I've got GoPros for the dance floor.

I have a drone in the car for sunset,

and some fun little cameras for the toilets.

and some fun little cameras for the toilets.

- What's that? - Just some Polaroids

while people freshen up.

Keepsakes.

- It's actually pretty good. - Mm-hmm.

I've put a lot of thought into it.

I wish you'd put a bit more thought into what you were wearing.

Well, I'm just getting into the spirit of things.

- It's revolting. - Um... I...

- Oh! Perfect. - Oh!

All right now, ladies and germs, a bit of hush.

That's right now.

Yep, phones away and pages, beepers, all away now.

Let's just be with our brides.

Hmm? Uncle Tony, I see you made it.

Very impressive.

What an honour it is

for me to be here today

at the wedding of my gorgeous niece Renee.

at the wedding of my gorgeous niece Renee.

Oh, sorry, Rumi.

Odd, I used to change her nappy as a baby.

- Remember Uncle Tony?

Oh, she had the most beautiful skin you've ever seen.

I babysat her and I used to inspect her feet

because she had the most exquisite feet you've ever seen on a child.

Truly!

I watched you grow

into the fully formed woman that you are today.

And even though you won't let me near your feet anymore...

I think you're just fantastic.

Thank you. Thank you, Aunty Peta.

- And those feet led you to Megan... - Yes!

- Who's, oh well! She's lovely too.

So, a poem for the happy couple by Pablo Neruda.

When I cannot look at your face

I look at your feet

Your feet of arched bone

Your hard little feet

I know that they support you

And that your sweet weight Rises upon them

Your waist and your breasts

The doubled, purple of your nipples

Your wide fruit mouth...

Is it weird being here for you?

Well, I left my husband of 17 years, for a girl I'd known for four minutes,

and a month later, I'm working at her wedding.

Yeah, it's pretty fucked up.

Look at my Tinder though.

Okay, last time I was single, I was having sex with guys this age.

I've gone off, I've had a whole life. I made three humans.

I've come back, and I can still have sex with guys this age,

except, like, as a hot, experienced woman.

Hey, get your phone out. Let's have a look at yours.

Oh, yeah!

Got my eye on that little tadpole, Mr Pink.

- Hmm, sexy. - Yeah.

Oh, shit, okay, quickly, it's nearly over.

Grab the... grab the champagne.

I now pronounce you wife and wife.

And you may kiss the bride.

And you may kiss the bride.

Yeah, okay, okay, that's enough.

- All right, that... that'll do.

- - I mean, it's not Love Island, is it?

No.

All right, we're going to sort out the tattooed wedding rings now.

Other than that, I'll see you on the V floor.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Bit of housekeeping.

Don't use... there's two toilets down the end.

Don't use the second one. That's out of order.

I found out the hard way.

But enjoy your night,

and I'll go and touch base with Tammy.

It's called Men of Men.

And... and this is an app, or...?

And... and this is an app, or...?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it will be. - Uh-huh.

So, basically, you're a part of a dwindling monarchy,

- and the chalice has been... - Mm-hmm.

- In the family for generations. - Right.

But the person who drank the poison doesn't know until the end.

- Right. - There's also a village idiot...

- Uh-huh. - Who can hand out these idiot cards.

Now, if you get one of those, you've got to forget

- every armoury card you ever had. - Oh, wow!

So, you've got the silversmith,

- the blacksmith, the goldsmith. - Mm-hmm. A lot of smiths.

♪If you don't give up ♪

- ♪You can get it done ♪

- ♪If you don't give up ♪

- Hey. - Hi.

You like to dance, Lynelle?

- I love to dance. - Hmm.

- Could have gone professional. - Oh, I bet you could. Hmm!

I thought you were absolutely fantastic, uh, the other day at the...

Oh, thank you! Well, it's for a good cause.

Well, I don't know about that, but you were... you were tops.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Well, about the cause. What, it's Lee's cause?

Well, no, it's Women Against Women Against...

Sorry, I know what it is, but we...

we are at a lesbian wedding, so I wouldn't...

Oh, lesbians can be against women.

Well, I... I think they prefer to be, don't they?

- Oh!

Probably shouldn't joke about that.

Oh! You can't joke about anything anymore.

Hmm.

- ♪If you don't give up ♪

♪You can get it done ♪

Hi.

- Having fun there?

You know, these people...

are so beautiful and free.

But I don't think that they really want me here,

so I'm just wall-flowering.

- I'm sure they want you here. - No, no, they don't.

They're all about acceptance, but they don't accept me.

The world is a harsh place for a straight, white, older gent.

What I'm, somewhat clumsily reaching for here, Lynelle,

What I'm, somewhat clumsily reaching for here, Lynelle,

is that I think you're a very vivacious, very attractive woman.

- Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

And I've always really enjoyed our, you know,

our Farmville games and our Facebook banter.

- So have I. - Your Wordle streak is exceptional.

- It is! - Yes.

So, um...

Yeah, I just want you to know, that if you ever,

fancy being treated like the queen that you are,

my door is always open.

- ♪If you don't give up ♪

♪You can get it done ♪

Message received, Bernie.

I... I think the key with all of this stuff is,

from my experience anyway, is just listening to...

I mean, no one even asked me, my pronouns.

Not one.

Well, they don't ask me either, mate.

But if someone would just ask, instead of assuming.

Okay. What are your pronouns, Lee?

He.

It.

Oh. That fits.

- Would it like a drink? - Yes, yes, it would.

You know, in my... in my day, you didn't get to choose.

You're either A or B, and most of us just chose A just to fit in.

But if I'm to be terribly honest, there's plenty of B in me.

I mean, we've all sucked a cock or two, haven't we?

- Have we? - Of course we have.

Hey. How's the fringe?

Does it look like I got it done proper,

or that I cut it myself high on opioids?

You look beautiful, Ash.

Stop.

What about these ones? You think they're gonna make it?

Oh, I... I couldn't tell you.

Oh, I... I couldn't tell you.

You know what? Fuck it! They could outlast us all.

- Not us. No. Yeah. - No, no, not us. Not us.

Come here.

Yeah?

- I love you, Ashley. - Ooh!

- First time you've said that! - I know.

- Am I cool about it? - Pretty cool.

You've left me hanging.

I have thrown it out there a couple of times.

- Have you? - Yeah, and I've died.

I'm sorry. I'm a bit slow.

I love you too.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Why do you smell funny? - Oh, is it my mouth?

No, no, it's... Oh, it's...

- Oh! - Oh, it's the tan.

- It... Oh! It smells like a mix of... No.

- Don't, don't!

It's... it's like... it's like an apartment.

- Mm-hmm. - But...

it's had a high turnover of...

it's had a high turnover of...

- Tenancies. - Yes.

- Yeah. - With some low-level

- drug crime in there. - Yeah, look.

- These walls have seen a lot. - Hmm. I'm into it.

Bretty, can you get rid of these, mate?

- Gordonza! - Ah, Jimmy Dean!

- How you going, brother? - How are you, man?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, good, man. - Yeah, good?

- Having a good time? - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah!

Hey, we're all good, eh?

No hard feelings? You got the girl, all good.

- Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate that.

- Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, we texted for a little at the start of your thing.

But then I realized, yeah, I'd lost her, and I... I want to respect that.

Thanks, man.

That's cool.

- You all right? - Yeah, man, I'm...

- I'm knee-deep in poon so I'm good. - Ah, yeah.

But if I could do it all again, I'd probably do it differently.

She'll probably always be the one that got away.

Hey, cheers anyway, man.

- Hmm.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's probably enough hugs anyway. Cool.

Sorry to hear about your old man.

Thanks, man.

- Life only goes in one direction, eh? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.

Did he get to meet Ashy?

Yeah, he did, yeah, yeah.

- That's special. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪You set my body on fire ♪

♪You set my body on fire ♪

♪Move in a closer ♪

♪Let me see you kissing ♪

♪Wanna see you work it ♪

♪Hey, I got a lot of faith in you ♪

Oh my God! Look!

Ashy?

- Gordon, what are you doing? - You and I are the best.

We're just the best, and it makes so much sense to me.

And I want you to marry me.

Will you marry me, Ash?

Gordon, will you please get up?

This is... It's...

This is not our night.

- You're embarrassing him, darling. - It's okay. It's okay.

- You're embarrassing him, darling. - It's okay. It's okay.

Please, just get up.

Really?

Because we can...

we can talk about this later.

- Gor... - Ta-da!

It's a joke. It was a joke. It was... it was a full joke.

- Do you guys not get jokes?

Come on, fucking hell. It was... it was...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep filming. Oh, must film it.

Don't watch with your eyes and remember with your brain.

- Must be filming at all times. - She said no.

No, she didn't say no, because it wasn't a real...

You know what, your generation does not get humour at all.

Sorry, but it's been said.

Freddy, come on. Music, brother.

You're killing the vibe, man. What's happening?

- Sorry, I unplugged my phone to film it.

- Fuck's sake, dude.

Thank you!

♪My, my ♪

♪At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender ♪

♪Oh, yeah ♪

♪And I have met my destiny In quite a similar way ♪

♪The history book on the shelf ♪

♪Is always repeating itself ♪

♪Waterloo ♪

♪I was defeated, you won the war ♪

♪Waterloo ♪

♪Promise to love you forevermore ♪

♪Waterloo ♪

♪Couldn't escape if I wanted to ♪

♪Waterloo ♪

♪Knowing my fate is to be with you ♪

♪Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Waterloo ♪

♪Finally facing my Waterloo ♪

♪Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Waterloo ♪

♪Finally facing my Waterloo ♪

♪Finally facing my Waterloo ♪

♪Waterloo ♪

♪Knowing my fate is to be with you ♪

♪Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Waterloo ♪

♪Finally... ♪