Original subtitles

That's my Phallum series. I think you should exhibit.

I'm going to have an exhibition. Of what?

Wait, is that our dad? Yeah.

I wondered if you might be willing to take a DNA test.

What, now?

Is that a problem? Looks nothing like me.

Mind you, we haven't had the results of the DNA test yet,

so maybe he isn't my son after all. (LAUGHS)

Good for PR, though, right?

Wait.

Game Of Scones - Doing Britain On The Spectrum, A Book By Austin Hogan.

For those who are fans of the English language in its purest form, well,

England may not be the place for you.

For instance, when British people invite you for a drink, it's not one,

it's 50, plus a kebab and stealing a shopping trolley.

And being in a bit of a pickle means we're all going to die.

Hello, sir. Welcome. Please take a seat.

Ah. Thank you.

Perfect sometimes means pretty good,

but most of the time it means horribly inadequate.

When the British describe somebody as fit,

they don't mean that the person is in good health.

They mean the person is stunning.

And also in good health.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, squirrel, I'm so sorry that I had to bail last night.

Are you OK? You sound really rough.

Yeah, I've been on and off the loo all morning.

You know what, I have muesli for breakfast now.

Yeah, it's gone through me like a Lamborghini.

And I had this awful Piers Morgan anxiety dream.

He was telling everyone that I was the finest artist of my generation.

Mum, imaginary Piers Morgan has great taste.

No, poppet, it was chilling.

Tell me, is it too late to pull the plug?

Mum,

your paintings have been hung and they look amazing.

Is there a dialogue between them, though?

Adjacent paintings are supposed to have a dialogue between them.

You can't shut them up.

It's gonna be brilliant.

Is it though? Yes. Brilliant.

It's gonna be the best. Is it? Is it going to be the best?

You are the best. It's the best. Everything is the best.

You know what? You're the best. You're the absolute...

I'm gonna have to go piss into the loo again. I love you so much.

I love you, poppet. I love you so much.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Florence is all over everything at the gallery.

So my paintings are not just well hung, they are also hung well.

Is that a penis joke? Yeah.

Yeah, because there are lots of penises in the paintings.

Yeah.

I'm just so nervous. What if people don't get them?

Or if they do get them,

but they think, "Yeah, she's just another 10% royal, 100% perv person."

I'm going to have to leave the country.

Tell me about it. I know all about lying low.

Sorry, was I talking about me briefly?

Let's return to talking about you. So what are your plans for the day?

Dunno. I might call Heidi.

See if anyone wants to buy that documentary.

I've got this really odd rough patch of skin just here.

What's that part of your arm called? It's not called muscle, is it?

Upper arm. Upper arm? Yes.

I've got a rough patch of skin on my upper arm here,

and I thought I might exfoliate.

And then you're going to come to the private view?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Then I'm going to come to the private view.

And you're going to bring Austin?

Not necessarily.

Um, he left yesterday. He's, um... He's gone on an adventure.

What? Mm.

And you're cool with that, are you? We're certainly fine with that?

That's...that's safe suddenly, is it? He said he wanted some space.

Well, I'm feeling that's a bit bullshit. He doesn't want space.

He wants you to tell him he's valued.

No, he's a literal person. Doesn't do subtext.

He's just seen footage of you saying that you don't think he's your son

because he's nothing like you.

Yeah, and that barely sentient director should have deleted that

instead of jamming it into the end of the timeline.

But, Julian, that's completely irrelevant.

The point is that Austin saw it.

He's doing this because he wants your attention.

He wants you to acknowledge that he is very clearly your son.

(PHONE RINGS)

Is that me or you?

What?

Oh.

Hello?

Austin's phone's been off for a day and a half now. What's going on?

Yes, yes, he's, uh... He's gone exploring. He, um...

He wanted some space.

Well, I'm just trying to get a handle

on how many times a father can lose his son in a week.

Well, I don't think this officially counts

as me losing him because he actually told me he was going.

What? And you just went, "No worries. Whatever."

"Make sure you turn your phone off before you go."

He'll be fine. He left a note.

What does it say?

Um... Hang on.

Yeah. "That great charmer. Dirty room."

What does that even mean? I have absolutely no idea.

But it has a certain joie de vivre, doesn't it?

Like a young Hemingway conquering Paris in the 1920s.

He's not Hemingway.

You find him, or I'll call the Daily Mail and I'll tell them

you're not just a fascist,

you're a horrible father.

Go for it. They'll probably give me a column.

I'll call the Guardian then.

What? How dare you?

Mel! Mel?

Point of information.

If you haven't found Austin,

you probably shouldn't come to my private view.

"That great charmer. Dirty room."

What?

Were you a little perplexed by the menu, too?

And that's why you're just having toast?

Mmm... Yeah, I didn't love the sound of the butt milk pancakes.

I get that, but I still might try the beef hamburger with sheeps for lunch.

If you do that, I'll have the Diet Cock.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Did you read the sign per chance?

Uh, sure. But there isn't a queue.

A queue is defined as a line or sequence of people.

But you're just one person.

You and I are a line or sequence of people.

You sure know a lot about English for an Australian.

I'm actually writing a book about how the English misuse English.

Really? And what are your findings?

That the English misuse English, of course.

(LAUGHS) Right. Like on menus?

And in reality.

For instance,

when the British say that something's quite good, they mean it's bad.

But when they say that something's not bad, it's quite good.

OK, interesting.

And when the British say that something is interesting,

they think it's nonsense.

(LAUGHS) No, I genuinely think it's interesting.

I'm a writer too, but the journalist kind.

Cool. Yeah, you'd think so.

My job is to scout out celebrities

who stay here after having a fight with their spouse.

Why do they come here? Convenience.

Most celebs live in Primrose Hill. So this is their nearest hotel.

Has David Tennant been here?

Oh, I don't know. I've only been doing this a week.

I eventually want to get a place on the Westminster round.

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)

I'm Austin.

Lucy.

Should we split a Scissor salad?

(LAUGHS)

OK, so the nude portrait of Edward, 8,000.

What?!

Seriously, he's not a compelling subject. No more than 1,200.

He voted leave.

But you're overruled.

Um, Geoffrey from next door? £1,000.

£9,000. No, no.

Wait, Mum, look, it's a lovely painting.

Is it?

I mean, yeah, it might have been a bit chilly when you painted it.

I don't think he should be more than £900.

I passionately disagree.

The model's just getting changed.

Model? What model? What model?

Oh, you said you needed to finish the painting of Julian,

and that you'd rather watch Cats again than have him sit for you.

Which I said as a joke, because I quite liked Cats.

Yeah.

What's the RSVP situation? Bad. Yeah.

But I'm sure they'll just start, you know,

floating through this afternoon.

You see, they are crap. And why are they all different prices?

They're all the same size. Mum. Mum!

They are different prices because some of them have penises

and some of them don't.

And, squirrel, are we still living in a world where that affects the price?

Ingrid.

Hi. Hello. Goodness me. Hello.

Huge. Wow. I'm the model you booked.

Yeah. Goodness me. Wow. Hello.

Massive fan of Big Bear. Yeah.

Yeah. OK. Well, I mean that, you know, it's always so nice to hear.

Good. Yeah.

So when did you get into... into Big Bear?

35.

Ah. Yeah. They spoke to me.

Did they? Mm.

Well, I mean, they are really lovely stories.

See, I was more into the pictures than the words.

They reminded me of my childhood growing up in Australia.

Sorry. (SOBS)

Sorry, I don't want to touch, but, are you alright?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I can... I can be upset and hot at the same time.

I'll see you on the floor. OK.

Yeah.

He's in a lot better shape than Julian.

That's absolutely fine.

I'll just...paint from memory.

He left midday yesterday saying he needed space.

MAN: OK, call me back in two days if he hasn't turned up.

No, Constable.

I will not be calling you back in two days if he hasn't shown up,

because in two days he might be dead.

I'm not sure what else I can do.

Well, then maybe I'll find someone else who can help.

Like who?

I don't know, a maverick ex-cop who's been run out of the force

because his colleagues wouldn't take him seriously.

You do that, sir. Well, maybe I just will.

You have a very good day. No.

(HANGS UP) You have a very good day.

'Dicktwitch'?

Hm.

Oh, dear. Is that the best you can do, knobcreek?

Um...

Come on, come on then.

No, I thought not.

Yeah.

Your translations are all spot on.

Oh, but if you want to be thorough,

you should have a separate section focusing on inebriation,

because that's really important to British people.

Could you explain that, please?

Well, when the British want to use a euphemism for being drunk,

all they do is take a noun, any noun,

and add 'ed' on the end of it.

Like arseholed,

mashed, shitfaced, plastered, floored, hammered, wasted, zombied,

or my personal favourite, wankered.

'Zombied'... Pringled.

Oh, there's so many more.

Car-parked. Sloshed. Pyramided. Titted. Buzzed. Slaughtered.

Wellied. Loaded. Sozzled.

Trousered. Banjoed. Bathtub.

Kennelled. Stewed. Autopsied.

Interesting.

Boiled. Lashed. Pissed. Fooked. Angled.

Gutted. Goosed.

Rinsed and shit-arsed.

What's the difference between shitfaced and shit-arsed?

Uh, two beers. Sounds about right.

(LAUGHS)

How many famous people have you seen who have been kicked out of home?

None. I don't know why this week's the week

every celeb's decided to have a harmonious relationship.

Do you have KPIs?

My editors know I can't force celebs

to have an argument with their spouse,

but at the same time, I can tell that they're getting impatient.

I've got a story for you.

Do you know Julian Hartswood? Yeah.

Big Bear guy. Just got cancelled. (LAUGHS)

He's also my dad.

I've run away from home

and he's engaged what used to be known as London Twitter

to try and find me.

I don't know if your editors will like it,

but the story is yours if you want it.

Oh, they'd like it.

But I'm fine. Are you sure?

Won't you get in trouble if you don't give them a story?

Someone will get kicked out of home sooner or later.

Maybe we should let your dad know where you are.

I don't know for certain that he's my dad.

We never received our DNA test results,

so I've given him a clue as to where I'm staying.

If he's my real dad, he'll find me. If he's not, he won't.

A cryptic DNA test. Exactly.

Well, we better get back to the hotel

just in case he is your real dad.

Very well, then. (LAUGHS)

Don't shoot the messenger,

but "That great charmer" may refer to Austin,

and the "Dirty room" may refer to a place of ill repute.

He wouldn't go to one of those places. He's a romantic.

Well, he's away from home. He's a young man.

Well, did you go to places of ill repute when you were his age?

I certainly did not.

Are you sure? Yeah, I am sure.

Then why would Austin?

No, I don't think he would.

Good.

I don't know why I thought that.

Afternoon. Sir.

I don't suppose Billie Piper's around, is she?

I'm not authorised to comment on the coming and going of our patrons.

Right. Yeah.

Um, a cup of tea to start with?

Uh, yes.

If you wouldn't mind getting a strainer and putting in ginger,

cardamom, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, then adding black pepper,

black tea leaves, hot water and hot milk?

So, a chai then? Yes. Exactly. Yeah.

Hi.

(GASPS) Sorry.

Uh, uh...Julian Hartswood.

Look, I...

I know you.

Well, I...I don't... It's not from your books.

I mean, I know you're from that weird white supremacy stuff.

Yes. Yes, exactly.

Uh, that's me.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, look. Strange question.

Um, the other day when you were here,

I was wondering if you spoke to a young Australian man.

You know, I did. I did. He... He asked me to be his muse.

I said yes, and then I went and I came back and he'd gone.

Right. OK. Yeah. Because he's gone again.

And I'm a bit worried. I'm his dad. And, um...

Well, I was wondering if he'd sought you out

because I know he's a big fan.

I'm sorry, I just... I haven't seen him since.

Good. Sorry.

What are you going to do to get your career back on track?

Well, I thought I might make a documentary to sort of show me

in a more favourable light.

That doesn't work.

And then I thought about hiring a defamation lawyer.

Spenny. Yeah.

It doesn't work.

And then...

Well, I suppose if all else fails, I mean, I could always...apologise.

Yeah, I think that's...that's the best way that tends to work.

No. Thank you. It's chai.

Oh, it's chai.

Chai guy. Chai guy.

(LAUGHS)

What's that?

Oh, that is a note my son left on the kitchen table

before he walked out of our lives forever.

I mean, I don't think it means forever. Look, he's...

I actually think he's testing you. That's...

I think that's an anagram.

Can I see that? You know anagrams?

Yeah.

Well, I don't see you coming up with any ideas.

I'm too busy hosing down your howlers.

(SIGHS)

This is a tough code to crack.

That complicated brain of his has constructed quite a matrix.

Oh, my God.

I've got it.

So, "that great charmer" equals Margaret Thatcher.

"Dirty room" equals dormitory.

He must be staying at the Margaret Thatcher dormitory in Primrose Hill.

Huh!

I've always thought that's the most terrible name for a hotel.

Well, they don't really call it that anymore.

What do they call it now? The Darth Vader Inn?

The MTD.

I mean, everyone knows what those initials stand for.

Well, I mean, they could stand for anything. They...

People could say, "I'll meet you at My Toxic Doughnut."

"My Tangerine Dream."

"My Tiny Ding-a-ling."

Actually, you know,

I... (LAUGHS)

I once heard someone call it "My Tremendous Derriere,"

which is...

..I mean, unironically represents a standard of derriere.

And that makes... (LAUGHS)

Brilliant. (LAUGHING)

Oh...

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

Are you sure this is it?

Because there's a Meg The Arch-Tartar Dormitory in Ealing.

Oh, don't that be like that.

I'm just saying, if you're using letters to make words,

there's plenty more where that came from.

I have to have faith

that my grandson wouldn't stay at Meg The Arch-Tartar.

Ah, but he would go to a place of ill repute?

Get down, Dad. Down, down, down, down, down!

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHS) Yeah. That is crazy.

Oh, my God.

He's growing up, Mel. Oh, Dad!

Austin.

Hi.

When you said you needed space, uh...

..did you require space

or did you require me to say how much I loved and valued you?

I required space,

and I required you to tell me how much you loved and valued me.

Uh...

Look, I, uh... I deeply regret what I said in the documentary.

Uh, my statements did not reflect my true feelings

and had no basis in fact.

(SPEAKS LATIN)

I didn't catch that last bit.

It's a bit of Latin to show you how serious I am.

"The gods take care of injuries to the gods."

So he's saying that you're a god

and your fellow gods are punishing him for his misdoings.

I hope not too much. Mm-hm.

Uh, this is my friend Lucy.

Lovely to meet you, Lucy.

Look, I hate to break up the tea party,

but I need to get you to your stepmother's exhibition.

Uh, Dad, would you mind busying yourself

so I can properly say goodbye to Lucy?

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Outside.

I really don't want to have to set any gods onto you.

And stay off Twitter. Yeah.

I'm texting. But, yeah, sure.

Lucy, I would like your number so I can organise for you to be paid

for co-writing Game Of Scones,

as it's clearly going to be a best seller.

I don't want a co-writing credit. Why not?

You gave me 10 or 11 lines that are 15% to 17% funnier

than anything I've written.

But I was just riffing off your idea.

But if that was all a clever mirage

so you could get my number and ask me out on a date,

then, yeah,

you better call me about that co-writing credit.

OK, maybe I will, Lucy.

(GIGGLES)

(GENERAL CHATTER)

Hello, everyone. Hi. Hello.

I just want to say thank you so much

for coming to support the artist formerly known as my mother.

(APPLAUSE)

And, yeah, just wanted to let you know,

if you wanted to buy a painting, you can't.

They've all been sold!

(EXCLAMATIONS AND APPLAUSE)

Yes, apart from the one of my father.

Um...

Which is fine, because I want that one.

(LAUGHTER) Oh.

I just want to say thank you so much to all of you

for coming to support my new venture.

Or can I say, my return to form!

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah. It means so much.

Florence, thank you for believing in me.

And Heidi,

thank you for your stuff as well.

And...and Julian...? Is Julian here?

I know he's not everyone's cup of tea right now,

but, um, I do want to thank Julian.

He's been my partner and he's been my muse.

And one thing we can all admire about him

is that cancellation hasn't changed him.

He still has the same sense of unbridled narcissism

and self-importance he had when he was popular!

(LAUGHTER)

No. Stop. It's mean. Stop it! Stop it. It's mean. (LAUGHS)

Um, yeah, anyway, no,

so I did want to say, um,

Julian, wherever you are...

I'm here.

..thank you from the bottom of my heart.

To Julian.

To Julian.

You alright? Yeah.

Where did you go?

I have some big news, actually. Oh, yes?

I met a woman.

(BOTH GASP)

I want to apologise to you

if my previous apology about being a thoughtless arsehole

wasn't, well, apologetic enough.

Well, that's very sweet. And obviously I forgive you.

And I apologise to you if I've...

I don't think I've done anything wrong, actually.

Right.

I do have to say something I don't think you're going to like.

Oh, no. Yeah.

Oh, no, no. Chest pains. No. No.

It's just, like right now, I'm feeling a little bit, like,

do I want to follow him some more,

or do I want to, you know,

finally, at long last, follow myself?

Right.

And you'll be staying in the studio until you figure that out?

Yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Mum.

Tell me. Highlights? Lowlights?

Lowlight?

That would have to be Julian's documentary.

Zero stars. Would not recommend.

I liked meeting a journalist called Lucy.

Five stars. No notes.

Quick question, Mum. Are you a racist?

Of course I'm not a racist.

That's a relief, because Lucy is a person of colour.

Lucy is stunning.

How do you know that?

Did Dad send you a photo of her?

No, sweetheart...

Any woman you like is going to be beautiful inside and out.

Thanks, Mum. I really wish you were here. London is amazing.

Well, I hope to get back there one day.

I really hope so too, Mum. Love you.

I love you too. Bye, love.

The kid'll be fine.

Time to let him have a crack on his own.

He can look after himself, can't he? Yeah.

And that's all because of you.

Alright, Dad.

There you go. I've upgraded you to premium on points.

Do I get an eye mask?

Yep. And an orange juice or a champagne upon boarding.

(LAUGHS) Whoo!

But don't get too excited

or people will know that you've never travelled premium before,

and it'll be embarrassing.

Oh, really, Dad?

You think I'm going to lose my shit

over an orange juice and an eye mask?

Maybe not.

But the extra leg room might push you over the edge.

I got it. You're good, Dad.

Is this mine? I believe it is, Dad.

Just so you know, Dad,

I don't think we really need the results of the DNA test,

because you unlocking the anagram tells me that you're my real father.

That's, um... It's very sweet of you to say that.

Um, the thing is, I did unlock the anagram

after someone pointed out to me that it was an anagram.

Who pointed it out?

Uh, I can't remember her name now.

Uh, hangs out at the Chamberlain Tea Room. Billie something?

Billie Piper?!

Yeah. She says hello, and, uh... Oh, yeah. That you bailed on her.

She bailed on me.

Now, that's a fine way to treat your muse.

She told me that would be our secret.

Um, oh, you should also know

that I've decided to withdraw the documentary from the market.

But wasn't the documentary your path to redemption?

Yolanda and I never really were on the same page.

Um, but it doesn't matter, because I'm changing career.

I'm going into publishing.

Mmm! Yeah.

I have, uh, found a book that I quite like by an emerging writer.

I mean, it's a little bit rough around the edges,

but, uh, it's got a very refreshing and distinctive voice,

so, uh...

..so we'll see how that goes.

Alright, Dad, I'm off to bed.

Goodnight.

(PHONE CHIMES)

(TAPS SCREEN)

# Big Bear sometimes follows the king

# Yeah, Big Bear can do most anything

# Big bear, he's blue and he's brave

# Big bear, he ought to have a parade

# But Big Bear doesn't want a fuss

# He's just a big blue bear doing what he must

# Big Bear is blue and he's brave

# Big Bear, he's blue and he's...

All together. # Brave! #

Boring!

Whoo!

I wrote the song.

I did the pictures. Who liked the pictures?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation