Original subtitles

The big news is that you have a half-brother, Flo, called Austin.

Famous children's book author, son he never knew he had,

tracks down his dad - there could be a book in it.

Or it could be a documentary.

I think we should make this film.

We even have a responsibility to make this film.

Get down! Down!

Does separate bedrooms mean

no creative workshops outside office hours?

'Creative workshops outside office hours' means sex, right?

Yes, mate. Yeah.

OK. So I'm male and I'm silent.

Yeah. Honestly, I can't...

Oh, come on! It's... No, I can't think.

I just literally can't think of a single silent character.

Well, there's hundreds of them. You're so bad at this game!

No, I'm not. I'm reigning family champion, thank you very much.

Well, that's only 'cause you give us such obscure ones.

Go on. Um, OK.

Oh, am I Batman?

Batman? Batman talks all the time!

Why would you guess Batman? Do you see yourself as Batman?

It's all about how you see me, isn't it? You wrote it.

Ah! Austin, your go.

So, to re-cap, I'm known for being on television...

Yes. And film and stage. And stage, yeah.

I'm regarded as an expert in my field.

Definitely. I'm English.

Yes. Very.

Well-bred. Certainly.

Talented and awarded in my field. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'm regarded as a national treasure. BOTH: Yes!

And I Billie Piper?

Nearly. Uh...close?

I mean... Ish.

I've never been to a slumber party before but if I'm not Billie Piper,

I think it's time to retire to my quarters.

You...you can take the sticker off.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Well, now time for the shipping forecast,

issued by the Met Office,

on behalf of the Maritime and Coastguard Agency

at 0500 on Tuesday, 8 August.

The general synopsis...

(MOANS) (YELLS) Holy shit!

Oh, my... Bubs! Hi!

Bubs! Hello!

What are you doing here? What are YOU doing here?

Mmm. Oh, my god.

Mum, does that come on every morning?

Yeah, well, I like waking up to the shipping forecast.

I mean...oh! Oh, my god, Mum! It's 5:00am! It's so early!

The day doesn't start for another six hours.

Well, I like it. Helps me prepare for the day.

What - for all the sailing you're going to do?

How are you?

What time did you get here?

It must have been late. I...did try to go into my room.

But then I realised... I'm sorry!

It was fine. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I haven't actually, um, met my secret half-brother yet,

so it's probably a bit soon for a top and tail.

Yeah. Well, that was very wise.

Save the pyjama party for the next couple of days, eh?

Mmm. Mmmmmwah! Missed you.

Mum, he does know that I'm coming, right?

Yeah, of course he does!

Yeah, we were just expecting you today, in the daylight.

Well, I like driving at night. Yeah. Fewer witnesses.

Exactly.

I do have a question. Mm-hm.

It just seems...very snug in here.

I...I don't know - maybe somebody is sleeping in here full-time.

You're very perceptive, my Florence. Have I told you that before?

Yes. Yeah.

I am just, um...

..taking a bit of space, you know?

Trying to work out what my next, uh, thing is.

You know? Mmm. Deep-sea fishing?

(CHUCKLES) I have to say, that does sound very appealing.

Mmm.

Morning, Austin! Ah, good morning, Geoffrey.

I'm just off down that new deli down on the corner.

They've got some beautiful hummus down there.

That sounds marvellous. Yeah.

Hey, you cleaned up at the darts, didn't you?

Yes. I believe I am what you would call a natural.

Yeah, well, you're better than your dad, that's for sure.

No, he let me down quite badly, actually.

I'm not surprised. He's not very sporty.

Hey - they've got a new competition running next week.

500 pounds cash prize.

Interested? Want to team up?

500 pounds.

Otherwise known as a monkey. You remembered! Well done! Good boy.

Well...gooday!

You remembered! (LAUGHS)

Austin...you'll say hi to Ingrid for me, will ya?

Will do. Alright.

Take care, Geoffrey. I'll save you some hummus.

BILL: I think he's set for a day at home.

Fancy some sight-seeing?

Ever since I was a boy, I've been fascinated with Stonehenge.

Come in.

Oh, Austin! That's so sweet. Thank you so much.

That's alright. Uh, hello, Florence.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Hi, Austin. Hi. Sorry.

We didn't mean to surprise you.

Florence snuck in under cloak of darkness.

That's OK. Did you drive through the night?

Yeah, I did, but I do it all the time and it's fine.

Goodness, I'm... Sorry. I'm surprised. Hi! Hi.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Florence, my half-sister.

Um...do you hug? Or...or is a handshake OK?

Uh, have you washed them recently?

No, she hasn't. Maybe later, then.

Sure. Totally. That's...that's fine.

I mean, I'm gonna get a shower in a minute anyway. I just...

I actually stink. Yes.

But I have a question - can I interest you in some breakfast?

Awww, you don't need to do that, Austin.

I'm...I'm just gonna have muesli.

Florence, how do you feel about gentleman's relish

with honey and marmalade on toast with eggs?

Uh...yeah, gentleman's relish - is that...

That's anchovy paste. Anchovy paste.

Gentleman's relish and marmalade does sound delicious...

Great! I'll get started.

OK. So, you remember how I told you he doesn't really do sarcasm?

Yeah. Oh, sh... Enjoy!

Is he gonna make it?

Gonna make Ingrid a cup of tea.

Already done. Florence might like some, though.

Florence?

You should warn her that driving at night

increases the risk of a fatal car crash.

Right. Yeah. Well, I'll be sure to tell her off about that.

Um, so...what, you guys have met?

Um, how'd it go? I mean, was it OK? Was it awkward?

I'm sorry, mate. I should have been there.

Ingrid was there

and also, Dad, sometimes I think that the pomp and ceremony

would make things more awkward.

Oh, yeah. Quite right.

So...how did she seem?

She needs a good wash. Oh.

OK. Well, I'll be sure to tell her that as well.

I already did.

I believe that honesty is very important in a family,

even between half-siblings.

Ah. I couldn't agree more.

You know, Austin, I think you're gonna be an amazing influence

on Julian and this family.

I really do. Absolutely.

Although sometimes, I think a little white lie

to preserve someone's feelings is permitted.

Should I have said that she smelt nice?

Usually it's better to compliment something else,

like, um...I don't know - "I love your hair."

Her hair is very messy. Now, sit down and relax, Dad.

I'm making everybody breakfast.

So, Austin, have you got any plans for today?

I was gonna pick up some more cheese.

Great! Great. I think we need more cheese.

That's what I thought.

I was joking. I mean, it... t doesn't matter. Sorry.

So, what is going on with this documentary screening?

Ah! Yes.

Well, uh, it starts at 4 o'clock, so I thought we'd get there about 3:30,

grab a few snacks, maybe some popcorn.

But who's coming?

Well, I mean, the four of us, Heidi, Ginny and Sue...

It's only just a handful, really. It's only a rough-cut screening.

Oh - uh, Heidi has invited a few buyers but no replies yet.

Buyers? Surely it's too premature for buyers.

No, no, this is exactly what you do, you know?

Bit of light flirting, tease them with the promise of it.

But how promising is a rough cut? It's really promising.

Is it, though? Have you seen it? I'm right across it.

OK. Well, that makes me feel a lot better.

What could possibly go wrong? I'll wear my business suit.

First impressions are very important. Quite right. Yeah, me too.

I'm gonna pop on one of my best suits, really look the part.

What, you mean one of the suits you had made in Turkey in the '90s?

The '90s is back in fashion, I'll have you know.

Is it?

(CHUCKLES)

Actually, they're not all made in Turkey.

I've got a really nice blue one here, from that photoshoot with GQ.

What photoshoot with GQ?

Oh, what the hell?

Julian, did you get asked to do another photoshoot without me?

And you sold a bloody suit! I'm sure you were there.

Well, if I was there, where's my designer contraband, then?

Ooh! That's nice. Very dapper.

Florence has gone to the studio to look for some hacksaws and machinery.

Should I be concerned?

No, she's got a side hustle making jewellery out of objet trouve.

Discarded rubbish.

Yes, it's extremely hygienic and highly profitable.

Was that... Sorry.

Uh, more sarcasm. Sorry, Austin. Oh, no. Please don't apologise.

I love replaying every sentence to determine if it's genuine or not.

Nice. Very good.

OK. (CLEARS THROAT)

What do you think? No. Horrid.

Annie Leibovitz said it really suited me.

I know you like blue

but that's a very different thing from it suiting you.

Blue's always been my favourite colour.

Yeah, well, I mean, sometimes, your favourite colour...

doesn't work for you anymore.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's just complex, isn't it?

I mean, that's not even blue - it's...it's Prussian slate.

OK. I just really love wearing Prussian slate.

Well...

at the moment,

Prussian slate isn't sure if it loves you wearing it.

Is Prussian slate gonna be worn by someone else?

That's not what this is about!

Prussian slate doesn't want or need to be worn by anyone else right now.

Just...you need to wear grey.

Grey? Is that... Who's grey?

Nobody's grey. Grey's just a colour. Oh, good.

Grey's actually very sophisticated, Dad.

The foreign minister back in Canberra always wears grey.

In that case, my mind's made up.

I'll wear Prussian slate.

Good for you.

I can't see anything through this incessant drizzle.

They say that often, the most unlikely hypothesis

is the correct one.

Who says that? Mathematicians.

Really?

Well, just because it doesn't make sense to you,

doesn't mean it's not true.

It doesn't make sense to anyone. It does!

Otherwise, how would I know about it?

Dad... Melanie, just hear me out.

They could see that the ancient people

weren't gonna be able to manage on their own,

so they popped down and used their advanced technology

to buzz around a bit and voila!

Stonehenge.

Hey, Flossie! How are you getting on?

Oh, my word! What are these all doing out?

Well, I just found them when I was moving some boxes.

Oh, that is Wolfie.

Who's Wolfie?

Wolfie from the Vienna School of Art has the most amazing co...

I just have...I'm sorry, I just haven't seen these for ages.

Were they out the back? Yeah, they were just hiding.

It's my phallum series.

It was feminist, for reasons I no longer recall.

Jesus Christ, Mum - is...is that Dad?

Yeah. 20 years ago.

OK, Mum. No, focus, please.

I think this should be your next thing.

Well, this is my forever thing.

This is...I just...I just put this on pause when I...

They are really good.

Are you serious? I think you should exhibit.

What?! Exhibit?

Mmm. These?

Poppet? Chockie mow-wow? Oh, thanks.

Oh, having a clear-out? No!

Florence thinks I should exhibit these.

What? But where?

Ooh, I actually have a mate in East with a space. Let me just...

Yeah, let me just give him a call, OK?

The nudes. Right.

No, well, yes, I mean, I've always been, uh...

very supportive of your, um...nudity, er...uh, nudes.

My phallum series. Phallum series.

Have you been supportive?

'Cause I remember your actual words were,

"Oh, well - as long as it's tax-deductible."

Yeah, well, supportive of both of us.

But, uh, are you sure you want to exhibit?

You know, are you ready for that, uh, scrutiny?

Well, I don't need your blessing, Julian.

This is me going back to my creative source.

No more paws, no more claws, no more ears, no more vestigial tails.

I'm going back to what inspires me - Man.

Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't realise that working with me

on a beloved series that brought joy to millions

was quite so soul-destroying.

Obviously it wasn't but I've been through a lot of pain, Julian,

and I just need something good to come of it.

What are you doing? I think we should have a bonfire.

Kind of a cremation, a ceremony.

Great! Yes! Let's set fire to our entire life's work! Fabulous!

Well, it... Fine. You have the sketches in your office, then.

If I'm going to do this exhibition,

I'm going to need space to finish my canvasses.

I'm feeling a bit...no.

I'm feeling a bit...no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

First you decide to start sleeping in here,

then you decide to start... painting willies again!

And burn all our history?!

Don't be such a cry-baby!

Is that...Geoffrey from next door?

BILL: OK. So, giants.

People were bigger then,

so they could pick up the stones and carry them from Wales.

Giants? What, "Fee, fi, fo, fum?"

No, OK. Fine.

Alright - what about that fellow, Merlin?

I mean, who are we to say that magic doesn't exist?

Have you ever seen any magic?

Well, good magic would be so good,

you wouldn't even know it was magic, right?

Dad, I really don't think Merlin built Stonehenge.

(SIGHS) If we can't get out of the sodding car,

we'll never know, will we?

Come in. Ah, hello, Florence.

How are you? I'm great, thanks.

What d'you think?

Very...

I like your hair.

(CHUCKLES) You don't have to give me false compliments.

It's alright. We can do literal.

I love literal. OK. That's good.

Because I do think that the earrings are quite ugly.

But I admire your creativity.

And your hair certainly looks a lot better than it did this morning.

Well, thank you. And you, my friend, are in a wicked suit.

Thank you.

Well, I came to say that we need to leave shortly for the cinema.

Oh, right! The, uh...the documentary...viewing...thing.

Yes. OK.

Refreshments will be provided. Great.

Do you like popcorn? I love popcorn.

And see, if you put small bits of chocolate in

with the sweet and salty, it just...

Delicious. That does sound delicious.

OK. Well, I'm gonna go get ready, I guess. Get changed.

Oh, are these your paintings?

No! They are Mum's. Pretty racy, huh?

Personally, I don't approve of graphic nudity.

However, I am aware that a lot of people do love it.

Yeah. Well, she's planning on doing an exhibition, so...

They'll be on display in public?!

(LAUGHS) Yeah! Wait...is that our dad?

Yeah. I really wish I didn't see that.

I know.

(CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

I recognise everyone here.

Well, I'd expect even you

to recognise 10 of your closest friends, Julian.

Apart from those people with Yolanda. Are they buyers?

No.

So who's coming? Channel 4? The Beeb?

No. The art channel?

No. So really, no-one replied?

Well, I want to get it out there! You know, share it with the world.

Julian, have you considered that, on the whole,

you might be a tiny bit shit

at knowing what to share with the world and when?

Actually, Channel 5 will take a look next week,

once the final cut is finished,

so there is some, sort of, morbid, car-crash curiosity.

Anyway, news flash -

I have some quite exciting news to share.

You've reconsidered working with Sean?

Are you sleeping with Sean?

Actually, don't answer that.

I have realised that, while there are no original stories,

particularly Sean's,

there is original art

and I have been always - and still am, actually -

quite an original artist.

Really? I'm going to have an exhibition!

Oh! Of what?

Of my nudes. The phallum series.

I've got around a dozen of them.

Some of them are unfinished

but anyway, Florence has this friend who has a gallery...

I'm sorry, but do you...are you...

oh, do you mean those paintings of Julian?

Yeah but they're not all of Julian.

No, apparently some of the men from the neighbourhood also feature.

He posed for me, Julian.

It's not like he and I had a secret child

that I kept hidden for decades.

Yeah. Walked into that, didn't I?

I'm...I'm going... (MUTTERS)

Ingrid, look, I know that you're a very free woman...

Well, I...I actually am. Yeah but you know, artists.

Typically hard-off, aren't they?

Yeah but that doesn't apply to me. I am aware it's a privilege.

Great. But...what are the real monetisation opportunities?

Heidi, I don't expect you to understand this

but I'm doing it kunst fur die kunst -

art for art's sake, for the sheer wild joy of it.

Happy for you.

Anyway, Florence has got this friend who's got a gallery in Shoreditch,

E2RT - it's got a slight mould problem...

Oh, great. Classy. Can't wait.

Which...which is perfect, 'cause it needs to be a bit squalid

for my phoenix-from-the-ashes moment, you know,

or I'm not gonna be taken seriously.

Yeah. Um, I don't know.

Have you considered what price point you want to sell these paintings for?

Yeah, Florence says, like, 10 grand each.

Is there room on that phoenix for me, as soon as I'm not so busy anymore?

(LAUGHS)

Be careful - I'm hot. Mmm.

Do you like lemonade? Yeah.

But I prefer it flat.

Oh, my god, me too!

I just like the flavour. Same here.

Do you sneeze when you look at the sun?

Sometimes.

OK. How about...

Do you get the hiccups if you laugh too much?

Actually, that's happened only once but yes.

This is amazing. I suppose it could be the genetics.

Oh, do you get the squits if you drink too much milk?

Uh...no.

I actually happen to love dairy. Oh.

Particularly cheese. I must just get that from Mum.

Um, can we have a bit of schtum, guys?

Guys, can we have a little bit of...schtum?

Thank you.

Um, it's wonderful to see some of our favourite faces here today.

Welcome to my film. Yeah.

Well, uh...my money, my ideas, so it's probably more my film, really.

(LAUGHS) So sorry, everyone.

We don't have any idea what we're doing.

We're not actually film-makers. Well, no, I...I am.

Award-winning, actually.

Like I say, without financing, what have you got?

My integrity. Money makes the world go round.

It's, um, wonderful to see some of our, uh, fave...

Oh, sorry. I've done that bit.

Hello.

S-sorry, Austin - did you want to say something?

Yeah, I would, if that's alright.

Thanks.

Hello. I'm Austin.

I've met three of you already.

I just wanted to say thank you

for coming to support my dad and stepmother.

Dad has been working very hard on this documentary

and we hope it will assist him

in being recognised for something other than re-posting a Nazi,

as he has barely shown any racist qualities since then.

Thank you so much, Austin.

The best introduction to art is no introduction to art.

Hear, hear. As a fine artist, I agree with that.

Be an embryo, ready to evolve.

Empty.

But it is a bit of a myth that we can ever actually be empty.

I mean, all us are basically full, aren't we, of blood and ideas...

(OTHERS BEGIN SPEAKING AT ONCE) ..so many of our favourite...

This dynamic isn't working. Can we please just roll the piece?

Ro... Uh, roll it, please. Yeah.

Yep.

(POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYS)

Are you nervous?

AUSTIN: All my life, I have wondered where I came from.

I was on a quest to understand my origins

and now I have finally found them.

I am an Englishman and I am the son of an author.

Separated by thousands of miles.

I didn't even know of his existence.

I love marmalade

and also Marmite, as long as it's not too strong.

These are two condiments recognised the world over

for their British heritage

and I hope that I will be recognised for mine.

We were on a path. Birds were flying down and...and landing near us.

Before I found my father, I was stuck.

I wasn't sure how I was gonna fit in in this world.

There is this thing, when you are,

um...a bit royal

that does kind of mess with your head, 'cause you're like,

"Well," you know, "does it mean anything?"

You know, the divine right of kings, am I different?

I didn't know my father.

I thought that I was the product of a sperm donor.

He didn't know about me but...

you know, I wonder, can you feel a father's presence,

even when there's absence?

Don't know. Can you? Is he joking?

I don't know. I hope so.

The sun was shining and the path was a little bit muddy

but...it was beautiful.

(SIGHS) I wasn't there.

And now I am.

"And now I am."

To be a father, or to be a good father -

um, I think it's about...balance.

You know, since meeting Austin,

I've had to re-evaluate, really, everything.

I did eventually come to see that he's a narcissist

but if somebody is a narcissist,

that means they just have something to work on.

I've...I've made mistakes.

No shit, Sherlock.

I've lapsed in judgement but...

you know, I'm...

..I think I'm evolving.

Your past does not equal your future.

That's Tony Robbins.

Shh!

I mean, our entire relationship

was based on the birth of this fictional creature -

this Big Bear was our firstborn.

What appealed to me most about Big Bear is that he's adventurous

and he's always trying to look on the positive side.

And now Julian's...

..effectively killed him.

(FLORENCE LAUGHS) That's not funny!

Mum, what the hell?

It's not funny! So much!

And, um...well, I mean, not very many marriages survive...

..the death of a child,

fictional or...

Well, I mean, they probably do survive fictional deaths.

Thinking about it.

Julian's a good father...

You look great.

..in that he doesn't try too hard.

I mean, he's best at play.

He is the hero of his own story

and the rest of us are the supporting cast,

which is...which is fine.

The fool doth think he's a wise man but the wise man knows he's a fool.

That's definitely Shakespeare.

As You Like It, act V. Touchstone.

(WEEPS)

(HEIDI LAUGHS) Oh, my god.

(SOBS)

How DID they get it here?

We'll never know. Was it aliens?

Merlin? Giants?

I'll have to go to my grave wondering.

Drive me mad.

Do you want to get out? Seems to have eased a bit.

Well, it's too bloody dark now.

(SIGHS) This country!

JULIAN: Fathering is not something perfect men do.

Fathering perfects the man.

I think that's...was that William D. Wattles?

I think so.

I...I am a human.

At the end of the day, I am a human. Yes, I'm a father but I am a human.

We are a family.

Where am I? Where's Florence?

Dad, that's really hurtful.

Family in metamorphosis.

Oh, my god.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Whew! Really takes you on a journey, doesn't it?

I didn't really like the music. No?

Well, we can change that.

Very artistic, in an artistic-licence sort of way.

Thank you.

Why did she do all that filming

if she was only gonna use you crying on a stool?

It's not finished, though, is it? No.

No. OK. So...yeah. I have thoughts.

Congratulations, Julian. It really is your...Octopus's Garden.

Oh, thank you, Heidi.

I think.

Are you coming?

I'll be there in a minute.

I like to stay for the entire credit sequence,

out of respect for everyone who worked on it.

Well, I'll see you out there. Do you fancy another lemonade?

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Sorry. Uh, Yolanda, do you mind if I take this?

OK.

Heidi! Hi. Yeah.

No, no. It's fine. We've had to...

It's a lot of noise from the rain.

Yeah. Austin?

Yeah, no, he's...he's doing really well. Yeah.

He's playing ball. Yep. Um... (LAUGHS)

No, I don't really see it, myself.

No, he's nothing like me. Absolutely nothing like me.

Mind you, we haven't had the results of the DNA test yet,

so maybe he isn't my son after all. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

Good for PR, though, right?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

OK. Yep. Yep.

Austin... (ON SCREEN) Absolutely. Yeah.

Righto. Yep...

Wait!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

I'm just trying to get a handle

on how many times a father can lose his son in a week.

He's gone exploring. He wanted some space.

I'm actually writing a book about how the English use English.

And what are your findings?

That the English misuse English, of course.

Your paintings have been hung and they look amazing.

So my paintings are not just well hung - they are also hung well.

Is that a penis joke? Yeah.

I'm a writer too but the, uh, journalist kind.

Cool!

I have some big news - I met a woman. Oh!