Original subtitles

You're in Great Britain now,

and what we do is say, "God save the King."

God save the King.

Ooh, I think I'm having separation anxiety.

I've been toying with the idea of doing a book about a cuckoo.

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!

I'm not using a flipping ghost-writer.

Sean's more of a creative facilitator.

It says ghost-writer right there.

So tell him your cuckoo idea.

See if he's got any others that are worth exploring.

I'm going to meet with a creative facilitator,

and I'd quite like to sleep in the studio.

(PHONE RINGS)

Julian. Monica!

Sorry to have kept you!

Digestive? No, thank you.

Oh. Hang on. Are they the ones with dark chocolate?

Milk chocolate. Ee! Ee! Ee! (LAUGHS)

I wanted to give you a few days to get over your jet lag

before we brought you in.

Uh-oh.

You know we're appreciative of everything you've brought

to Stone and Crow over the past 20 years.

But it's with a heavy heart...

No, not a heavy heart.

It's with a heavy heart that we terminate our association

with you and Big Bear.

No can do! I have a watertight contract.

Clause 23 B of that watertight contract

refers to reputational damage being grounds for instant termination.

What kind of world is it

where a single mistake can lead to a loss of livelihood?

The real world. That's callous.

In fairness, I did say it was with a heavy heart.

You know, I've just become a father for a second time

to a child with special needs.

We are thrilled for you.

But that child is 28 and completely capable of looking after himself.

But no, you can't buy them back

because the books have our logo on it,

and we don't want to be associated with fascism.

You know what?

Fine.

I've despaired of this publishing house for some time,

with your ghost writers and your collabs

and your comedians who "write" children's books.

I'm the last of the true professionals.

No wonder I'm out.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

Still not sure secretly coming to London is a good idea.

I just need to keep an eye on him.

It's a bit like stalking.

It is not.

Austin won't even know we're here.

I think that's the definition of stalking.

You look nice.

So do you.

Is the, uh...is the toothpaste part of the look?

No, I'm just going to Sean's studio.

He's going to pitch me some story ideas.

Yes! Good. Yeah. What is the process for Sean?

I mean, he writes the book,

and then you pretend to the public that you wrote it?

That's ghosting!

Yeah, in which case, I was wondering why you didn't ask me

if I ghostwrite your book.

Because you've been cancelled.

Yeah, but no-one would know I was involved, would they?

'Cause I'd be the ghost-writer.

But the publishers would know. And they've just cut ties with me.

Yeah, I thought you might know about that.

Yeah, well, they said that they wanted to tell you themselves

and in the spirit of us no longer telling each other

really quite important stuff, I thought I'd let them.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. No, that's right.

I'm really pleased they're putting so much effort into your career.

Even if it is with Shifty Sean.

Shifty Sean?

Yeah, we call him that because he loves alliteration.

Shifty Sean writes like shit.

Sorry, who calls him that? Literary types.

(LAUGHS)

Do you mean you?

Yeah. Brilliant. OK, I'm off.

A quick question. Yep.

Um...

When are you returning to the marital bed?

'Cause I really don't sleep well when you're not there.

Well, it's only been a few days. You'll get used to it.

I don't want to get used to it.

Julian, you have to allow me some time to process the fact

that you fathered a child with another woman

while we were together, and then destroyed the thing

that creatively sustained us for 25 years.

And you snore.

I don't snore. You do. You snore!

It's a terrible, terrible sound.

In Australia, I was listening to you.

I was like, "I ought to record that."

I thought, "I won't do that. That would be mean."

And I thought, "Actually, hang on,

"he fathered a child with another woman while we were together,

"and then went on to destroy the thing

"that creatively sustained us for 25 years.

"Maybe I will." And I did, and listen to it.

You sound like a pickerel frog

who's been dragged around inside an antique wardrobe.

(SNORING)

And then...

(LOUDER SNORING)

No, no, that's not me snoring. You've done that on GarageBand.

That is you.

And then... "Why is Big Bear wearing shoes?

"I specifically said no footwear or corduroy."

That's intrusive.

And FYI, I would never put Big Bear in corduroy.

I can't be held responsible for my subconscious.

I don't even know who that guy is. He probably supports Arsenal.

I'm going. Hey!

Hey!

Well...

Good luck with your fancy ghost-writer.

And, really, good luck with...

..your stuff.

(CRIES)

Are you crying, Dad?

No, no. I'm just doing a little bit of face yoga.

9 out of 10 doctors agree that it really helps

to temper the pain of losing everything you care about.

Well, I'm still here.

Yes, yes, of course you are. Sorry.

And, um...

..that means a lot, obviously.

I'm trying to think of a fun way

to segue out of this awkward moment.

Um...

I'll just walk off.

What time is it in Canberra right now?

Don't fret about Nibbles. The neighbours will feed him.

Do I look like I'm fretting?

Having some time away will actually help you wrestle some power back

into your relationship.

We have equal power.

No you don't, Dad.

You treat him like a king.

You're always blowing smoke up his arse.

What does blowing smoke up your arse even mean?

How did it become a thing?

It's not the point.

I reckon it'd be an unpleasant experience

for both the blower and the blowee.

But the book will still be out, right?

No, no. It's being pulped right now.

Publisher wants to rid itself of any connection with me.

Pulped? Yeah.

The books will be shredded,

then chemicals and water will be added,

turning it into baby wipes and toilet paper.

We can't let that happen.

It's happening.

Book will be shredded in the morning, then, um, yeah,

people will be wiping themselves with it by the middle of next week.

Right!

We need to save the remaining books.

Do you happen to know any booksellers

that'd be willing to sell them?

Well...

There are one or two independent booksellers that owe me a favour,

but, uh, we'd have to get them out of the warehouse first.

I mean, I wouldn't know how to do that without breaking in.

No-one's breaking into anything.

And, uh, don't say anything provocative.

Don't worry. I'm actually quite good with the working class.

I mean, Ingrid's posh, but I'm more sort of lower middle, middle middle.

You know, my grandfather worked in the Welsh coal mines.

He was a graphic artist.

He used to paint the danger signs.

I mean, I'm not one of those Eton-educated wankers

that's trying to take away their beloved NHS.

Although I do believe that the market

is a fair distributor of economic reward.

Ooh, I should text Yolanda.

Tell her we're about to do something embarrassing.

She'll love that.

Get down! Down!

Um, yeah. This way.

Is this a Toyota SAS 18 three-wheeler, I see?

It is, yeah.

The Toyota three-wheeler is a magnificent piece of machinery,

but the Komatsu 20 BX50 Hysters are probably my favourite.

You know your stuff for a safety guy.

Most of you jokers know nothing about the machines

you're trying to protect us from.

And what's your favourite forklift, then, sir?

I, um, sort of like all forklifts, mate.

Um, I don't think they should be discriminated against

on the basis of wheel count or whether or not they're hipsters.

Hysters. Precisely.

Um, I don't suppose you could point us in the direction

of the Julian Hartswood books.

Oh, not here.

This here, from that pylon to the wall, is all Sally Rooney.

What? Strike a light!

Yeah, she's very popular.

You might want to try zone two for, uh, Julian Larwood.

Hartswood.

Thank you very much.

For today's purposes, you don't care enough about Julian Hartswood

to correct anyone's pronunciation of his name.

I'm playing the character of a safety inspector

who's a very big fan of Julian Hartswood.

Well, I'd be very keen to see the data on Julian Hartswood fans

in the safety inspector community.

Oi!

That's the wrong way.

Follow me.

This is, uh, miscellaneous and, uh, emerging.

And, uh...uh, books by racists being pulped is right here.

Thank you for your help. No worries.

We close in 10. Be sharp.

Sure.

Two sides to every story, Taffy.

Clowns.

Aye-yi-yi.

A year's work reduced to this.

A year?

It's, like, 32 pages long, right?

And it takes you 11 days just to write one page?

Yeah, well, writing is rewriting.

But this page just says "splat".

Well, it takes a lot of craft to distil a complex idea

into a single onomatopoeic word.

More than half of these pages just say "splat".

Yeah, we're here to save the books, OK? Not review them.

Why don't you start packing them away?

We just need to bribe a forklift driver

to get all the books out to the delivery bay.

Bribe them? How much?

Whatever's missing from your wallet.

What?

Austin! It's not stealing.

It's just forward planning.

Why, I oughta.

Oughta what? Never mind.

Whatever.

(PHONE RINGS)

Ooh. Uh, yeah. Hello, darling. It's me.

I'm with Austin, and we're at 218 Hornsey Road, Tufnell Park.

I need you to whizz over here in Tiggy.

It'll all make sense when you get here.

That's assuming you haven't run off

to the south of France with Sean.

(LAUGHS) I'm joking.

As if you'd run off with Britain's champion of the exhaustive simile.

Yeah, we get it, Sean.

Things are like other things.

But seriously, don't run off to the south of France with Sean.

Um, anyway, as I say, 218...

(PHONE BEEPS)

Timed out.

Well, let's hope she gets that in time.

Dad, I feel like I bring a lot of bad luck into your life.

What?

No, mate! Come on.

Well, I hate to be a contrarian, but I think I do.

Things have been on a downward spiral for you

ever since I first showed up, namely your marriage.

Well, that's not your fault.

Then why do I feel responsible?

I don't know.

That's what I thought.

I'm gonna go get some crackers from the vending machine.

Austin, don't be like that.

I'm not sure when I'll be back.

Austin!

Austin!

Could you get me some barbecue hoops?

Now, before we start, tell me,

would you prefer the Dutch porcelain look

or something a little more leopard, chains and diamonds?

Oh... (LAUGHS)

No, um, you know, both are lovely.

This is really about what makes you feel comfortable.

You're the one that has to look at me.

Ah.

Oh, the Dutch...Dutch pot.

If I can say that. Thank God.

Great. Yeah. Lovely.

I've already changed three times today.

(LAUGHS)

So, this is where the magic happens.

Please make yourself feel comfortable.

Yeah. Great. (VIBRATING SOUND)

My word, what was that?

The call of a pelican

at a temperature of 25 degrees centigrade

creates the optimal condition for creativity.

I thought people were using brown noise now.

Nobody really works with brown noise anymore.

No?

I'm trying to think of when that was last cool.

Maybe when I had a Walkman.

Yeah.

But we can put on brown noise if you like.

No, no, no. No, no. No. No. Great.

I...I want to be maximum now.

Excellent. (PELICAN CALL)

Now, Heidi told me about your cuckoo idea.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm, like, so obsessed with the idea of doing a book about a cuckoo.

Well, I think a cuckoo is a duplicitous bird

and therefore an unworthy protagonist.

Can you generalise like that?

I mean, surely there are some decent cuckoos.

No, I think you'll find all cuckoos are bad.

So, I've been collating a few ideas as starting points for the book.

Ring the bell, if any take your fancy.

OK, I can't see a bell. Imaginary.

OK. (LAUGHS)

Tinkle, tinkle.

Sounds weird.

What is the most maligned animal in the animal kingdom?

The shark. The shark.

I'd argue it's the toad.

The toad? Do you think?

Do people really slag toads off a lot?

I mean, how many human deaths

are toads responsible for every year?

Do you mind if we just pretend it's the toad for the time being?

Yeah. Alright. Yeah, whatever you want.

Well, this is a story about a toad who's backed into a corner,

commits a crime, and finds himself in prison.

Like Wind In The Willows by Kenneth Grahame?

I don't know.

I've never read Wind In The Willows by Kenneth Grahame.

I thought of this independently.

Well, yeah.

What about a story of a sad kid

who finds solace in a giant piece of fruit

growing in his back garden?

James And The Giant Peach by Roald Dahl.

What?

I thought of that independently!

OK, OK.

This one's actually my favourite idea.

A little prince.

The Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

That is an all-time children's classic.

What?

I thought of that independently. Independently.

Are you taking the piss out of me? Because that is not very nice.

No! (PHONE RINGS)

Sorry. Do you mind if I...

No, please. ..take this?

Can I go...? Yeah.

Hello? Austin? Are you alright?

Hello, stepmother.

It's come to my attention that ever since meeting you,

your marriage to Julian has gone from bad to worse.

Oh.

Oh, Austin.

Well, you know, we are going through a minor rough patch,

but there's really nothing for you to worry about.

See, I believe there's a correlation

between that rough patch and me coming into your lives.

These problems were there long before we met you, Austin.

But I'm the one who brought them to the surface.

And...that is good.

You know?

The truth sets you free.

And first, it does tend to make you miserable.

I want to thank you for everything you've done for me,

but I don't like seeing you guys fight,

so I think I'm going to take my leave.

Goodbye, stepmother.

No... Austin. Austin.

JULIAN: Austin!

Everyone's gone home.

I think you can come out now!

Austin! (PHONE VIBRATES)

Sean?

There you are.

Hey, Sean, this has been just such an adventure,

but, um, I'm afraid I really don't think it's going to work.

Oh.

Sorry. Uh...

OK, um, just... just out of interest...

..what turned you off?

Was it the...the ideas or the shirts?

Yeah.

Quite bigoted about cuckoos.

OK, look...

..a cuckoo stole my Gameboy when I was a kid,

and I never got over it.

Sorry for your loss, but maybe it's time to forgive the cuckoo.

(PELICAN CALL)

Don't think the pelicans are helping.

That's just an eagle attacking the pelicans.

It's OK.

I've, um, misplaced Austin. Yes, I know.

You know that he believes that he's the reason we're not getting on.

I told him it's not his fault.

Well, the message isn't getting through.

What did you say? I said, "It's not your fault."

So you didn't get to the bit where you told him

that you could have saved Big Bear if only you'd apologised,

but you elected not to?

Austin!

Oh, shit. You're such an idiot.

You're an idiot.

Toothbrush, toothpaste, earplugs, moisturiser and an eye mask.

And they give it all to you in a little zip-up bag.

You do realise I travelled economy, don't you?

Yeah, I do.

Well, don't you think telling me all the wonderful things

that happened to you in premium economy is a bit insensitive?

Well, I just thought you might like to know

what happens in premium.

Incentivise you to save money for next time.

How much extra did you pay for premium economy?

Please, we just call it premium.

How much, Dad?

1,500 bucks.

What else did you get? Leg room.

You have extremely short legs.

What else? Anything else?

Cabin crew were very nice to me. They were very nice to me as well.

So, basically, you paid $1,500 for some toiletries.

Jeez, these stakeouts take a long time, don't they?

Yeah, especially when you find out premium economy is basically economy

with a complimentary eye mask.

Are we sure this is the only exit? Yeah. No. I don't know.

Hey. (WHISTLES)

Look.

Austin, it's Julian. Hello, Austin.

Calling Austin Hogan. This is Ingrid speaking.

I'm with Julian, and we just wanted to make it crystal clear

that any turbulence that we've been experiencing

in our relationship is one million percent nothing to do with you.

Just because Julian's not a very nice person,

that is not your responsibility.

Hi, Austin.

Um, what Ingrid said, uh, except for the bit

about me not being a nice person, 'cause I am a nice person.

I've just done some not so nice things.

But as Julian always says, action is character.

And Julian's actions have been the actions

of a not very nice character.

And even if he did do some nice things at the beginning,

they have been cancelled out by his not very nice actions of now,

which I understand.

Austin, Ingrid and I are going to have to agree to disagree,

but all this is to say that this isn't your fault, mate.

And if you want to find us, we are waiting in the loading dock foyer

on the east wing of the building.

Where'd you get those?

Oh, I got them in the... they were in the medical box.

Only packet. Can I have one?

I'm feeling a bit no.

No.

Please? I said no.

Give us a crisp. I said no.

I've had a really long and trying day. No.

Raiders are up 32-12 against Manly!

Why do your mates call you poker eyes?

Well, when I started at ASIO, staff were tested to see how susceptible

they were to giving away secrets under interrogation.

And you crumbled straight away.

The contrary. They got nothing.

They'd look into my eyes and it was just like I'd had a cup of tea,

hence the name Poker Eyes.

Alright, then.

Look into my eyes,

and if you can tell me what I'm thinking, I'll give you £5.

You're wondering if the Raiders will give Ricky Stuart

another three year deal.

Hang on. Maybe I wasn't in character.

Let's do it again from the top.

You're thinking, "When I get home to the hotel,

"I'm going to order room service spaghetti bolognese."

OK, hear me out.

We lean into the whole Twitter controversy,

turn Big Bear into an adult series

that we can then turn into premium television.

OK.

Breaking Big Bear.

Game Of Bears.

Big Little Bears.

Battlebear Galactica.

Or we could do a feature.

Bearback Mountain.

Bear Witch Project.

A Bear Is Born.

Who's going to play Big Bear, though?

Benicio del Toro? Or Antonio Banderas?

(SPANISH ACCENT) Are you Big Bear?

(SPANISH ACCENT) I am Big Bear. Are you?

No, I am not.

Or we pivot into the non-binary space.

Tilda Swinton.

Please get into the nonbinary space.

You and Joanne Rowling should write a book together.

What, are you saying that's not my space? What's my space?

Your space is more of the old cis white man

getting run out of the business space.

You're really good at that. Oh, right. And what's your space?

The, uh, what I lack in talent, I make up for in snark space?

Ouch.

Austin, please come out.

Your father genuinely needs you.

Changing the subject for a moment. Yeah. Please.

Do you or do you not agree

that a cuckoo is a completely amazing protagonist

for a picture book?

Honestly?

Yeah.

Yeah, that could work. Yeah.

Mummy cuckoo doesn't want to look after her egg.

I mean, for legitimate reasons. No judgement.

So she drops it off in a warbler's nest,

and it's the story of a young cuckoos journey

to try and discover his genetic family,

only to discover the place he really belongs...

BOTH: Is in a family of warblers.

You're annoyingly good at that.

OK, here's the plan.

I'm going to do one last sweep,

you back Tiggy up to the loading bay doors.

I'm going to grab a few copies for family and friends.

If Austin's not here by the time we load it up,

we call missing persons.

Gotcha.

I thought you said you only had one packet.

Oh, well, that was a lie.

You're getting this, aren't you?

Oh, I'm getting everything.

Where are the rest?

Too heavy! You're a weakling.

No sign of Austin?

Do you reckon he's still here?

I mean, surely he's got out somehow.

Yeah. We better call him.

Hi! Austin! We're off now!

Ingrid's brought some fresh bread,

and we're going to make some chocolate spread

and mustard sandwiches.

And then take in a Doctor Who marathon.

The Tennant and Piper years.

And, Austin...

..we love you.

(HONKING)

Open the boot! Open the boot!

Austin?

Austin!

Austin, you genius! You genius!

You clever, clever, clever man!

Let's do this! We have to move!

You didn't get that from your father.

No.

OK, let me just... Oh, guys. Come on!

Even my mother can lift better than you guys!

(SIGHS)

Should I just go give him a little cuddle?

Under no circumstances.

Alright, poker eyes.

Let's get you back to the hotel so you can call Canberra

and check on how Nibbles is going.

Does separate bedrooms mean

no creative workshops outside office hours?

I think no creative workshops outside office hours until...

..we work out what direction

we want our out of office hours to take.

Good night, Austin.

It's good to have you back.

Good night, Stepmother.

Creative workshops outside office hours means sex, right?

Yes, mate. Yeah.

Sounds about right.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Florence. My half sister.

I actually stink. Yes.

It's my Phantom series. I think you should exhibit.

Wait, is that our dad? Yeah.

What is going on with this documentary screening?

How promising is a rough cut? It's really promising.

What could possibly go wrong?

Welcome to my film.

(CRIES)

Oh, my God.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation