Original subtitles

I need to tell you that it's looking like

this documentary is not gonna happen.

Just do the documentary.

I'd really like to go to London on my own, as an adult.

We go together or not at all.

I've just had a brilliant idea - we book an extra ticket for Austin

but we don't tell him.

Because autistic people are famously good with surprises.

I'm going to Great Britain! I've gotta pack.

Where's my dinner jacket? Is it pressed?

You look after him, or I'll chop your nuts off.

(BIG BEN CHIMES)

Couldn't sleep either, eh? Oh!

This jet-lag is very disconcerting.

I ate almost continuously for 24 hours

but now I'm hungry again.

Same here. I'm all at sixes and sevens.

Good morning. Hello, Ingrid.

Ah, you like cooking.

Making sandwiches doesn't really count as cooking.

Well, it looks interesting. Thanks.

Would you care for a bite?

I don't know.

No need to be alarmed. It's the chemistry of flavour.

Or basic science, as I prefer to call it.

Help yourselves. OK.

Well, you're in Great Britain now

and what we do when we eat sandwiches

is say, "God save the King."

God save the King. God save the King.

Oh. Ah! Ooh.

Oh-ho! What is that like?

A fair-trade wasabi chocolate bar

or is it quite a lot more like that stuff

we used to paint on Florence's nails to stop her biting them?

Actually, it's not. This is chocolate spread with English mustard.

Mmm. I like it. That makes two of us, Dad.

Well, two against one. (RETCHES)

You OK? I can't feel my tongue!

(LIVELY MUSIC)

"Mother, I am now approximately 16,993km away.

"I ate all six in-flight meals

"and I must..." Oh, OK.

He's listed everything he's eaten.

Ooh, I think I'm having separation anxiety.

Or, like...phantom child pain? Is that a thing?

I mean, I've got a pain in my right arm.

Well, it could be that... or a heart attack.

Did you feel like this, Dad, when I went overseas?

No, not at all.

The doctor said my heart-rate steadied

and that pain in my jaw - gone.

I missed you terribly.

JULIAN: Toast and cold-extracted honey?

Oh, actually, could I try the Marmite?

What? Do you know what?

I'm not sure I feel like toast. You always have toast.

I make you toast every morning. I know.

But I mean, you do that without asking me.

That is a gigantic assumption. Yeah but you like toast!

Do I, though? Do I, actually? I don't know that I do.

You know what? I think... Can I try...can I try the muesli?

What? (PHONE BLEEPS)

Who is that? Oh, it's just Heidi.

I'm meeting her for lunch. Ooh, great.

We can update her on the documentary.

Uh, no, I mean it's just me, actually, and, um...and Yolanda.

Yolanda? But I need Yolanda!

I'm, uh, taking Austin round London.

You know, it's gonna be some really valuable stuff.

Some really moody, emotive emotions.

I mean, a lunch -

is that really a subject for a serious documentarian?

Sorry, Julian - is this documentary entirely about you?

No. No.

No, of course not. You have carpet in your bathroom?!

I can't believe I didn't notice that last night.

It's actually the original. I'm not sure it's very hygienic.

Yeah, well, it's soft underfoot. He has very sensitive soles.

And cosy, when not damp.

We were just talking about today and, uh...yeah.

Now that we don't have a camera, I was thinking...

maybe we just chill out at home.

So you want me to put my life on hold until a camera becomes available?

No! No. I mean, I...I can do things without filming them.

Can you, still? Would you like to go sight-seeing?

Well, I do happen to have a collection of ideas.

As you know, I've always had a strong passion for British culture.

You have mentioned that, yeah.

And there's someone I've long admired for their British sensibilities,

their sophistication and manners.

Is it Jarvis Cocker? I think it should be Jarvis Cocker.

I love Jarvis Cocker. No, it is not whoever that person is.

It's Billie Piper.

Yes, of course.

The singer-turned-actor, star of screen and stage,

my long-time favourite Doctor Who companion

and she's also the co-creator of a certain streaming hit known as...

BOTH: I Hate Suzie.

So what I mostly want to do today

is visit landmarks of her career

from 1998 to 2015.

You do know that Madame Tussaud's

is basically chock-full of famous British people

and they're all in one place?

No?

No. I see.

A touring retrospective of Billie Piper's career

sounds absolutely wonderful.

The only problem with that

is it could take weeks or months to organise.

Actually, that's been sorted and paid for through Gawain's Bespoke Tours.

As they like to say, "You name the person, we set up the excursion."

Ooh, that's a half-rhyme. I very much fear it's real.

When did you do this? Before I left Australia.

Via the World Wide Web.

Well, fellas, that sounds completely amazing

but unfortunately, I have this lunch that isn't gonna eat itself, so...

Don't worry, stepmother -

I'll provide you with a minute-by-minute report

when Dad and I get back.

You don't like that, do you?

Mmm.

I hope this isn't something that you feel obligated to do, Dad.

I'm more than happy to go alone.

No, on the contrary - I'm curious to see what a bespoke tour looks like.

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

(CAR BACKFIRES)

And whether it's possible to remain unmurdered taking part in one.

Ah! (CHUCKLES)

Good morning! Good morning, good morning!

And welcome to Gawain's Bespoke Tours.

Yes. I call my van 'Flattery', because it'll get you nowhere!

(CHORTLES)

My jokes could be worse - they could me mine.

Alright. The Billie Piper Tour.

Thank you for suggesting this, Austin. It's one of my favourites.

My pleasure. Yes. So...

Oh! Before we start, I should just declare a small conflict.

Yeah... Do you know Billie personally?

Pfft! Well...

I played Paramedic Number 3

in season 2 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

Alas, I didn't have any actual scenes with Billie

but I did converse with her at the craft services table.

What did you say? I said hello.

And what did she say?

She said hello back. You know?

And then she said...

"Would you mind passing the soy sauce?"

Then she smiled.

Then she took her sushi back to her trailer. That's how she rolls.

That's it? Mmm.

He spoke to Billie Piper, for god's sake - hello!

And I passed her the soy sauce.

Yeah, it was a wonderful story, Gawain.

I feel I've learned not just about Billie Piper

but the entire human condition.

I just wonder if the story might be even further improved

by the addition of some content and a point.

Don't mind Dad, Gawain. He's a writer.

Oh! Oh, right, yeah. What other TV shows were you on?

Oh! Well, let's see. How long have you got?

Uh...ooh, Casualty, Cambridge Spies,

Party Animals, The Bill, uh...

I was what was known as a 20-worder,

which is a term used to describe a very good actor

whom the industry have deemed

unfit to say any more than 20 words per episode.

Why is that? 'Cause I didn't go to Eton, Austin.

That sucks.

Alright!

Buckle up and let's go to the first location

on the Billie Piper Magical Mystery Tour!

(PHONE RINGS)

Heidi! Heidi.

Heidi, what's this about a lunch without me?

Never mind that. I just wanted to talk to you before you saw the news.

Oh, no. What now? Oh, my heart.

No, no. It's really...it's nothing.

I mean... No, actually, it's a little bit bad.

Heidi, spit it out.

Big Bear's image has been used to promote a Proud Boys rally.

What? Yeah, I know.

Not ideal. He's on some fliers, a poster or two, some banners...

Not ideal?! Oh, poor Big Bear!

Oh, they're using your image too, obviously.

Oh, fantastic. That is fantastic.

And Ingrid? What about her face?

Well, I guess one of the perks

of you stealing the limelight all these years

is that so far, Ingrid has escaped the fire.

Well, what are we going to do? This is a disaster!

Well, I am trying to get you an appointment

with this really great defamation lawyer

who specialises in online cleansing.

She works out of an office in Shepherd's Bush.

I'll let you know what time she can do.

We'll just nip this in the bud

before they erect a shrine with your face on it

in their underground bunker.

That's not a good thing, Julian. OK. Fine. Have a nice lunch.

Thanks.

Right. Billie Piper.

My attention is 100% on Billie Piper.

Oh, good.

Is everything alright at home? Is everything OK?

It's fine.

A banner? What...what, of our baby bear?

It'll be fine. You know? I mean, no-one will see it.

Uh, m-maybe... I...I'll fix it!

And there is a plan. Will...will you, though? Will you?

I'm trying, Ingrid! You know, I mean...

This is me being open, transparent!

This is our life's work!

Big Bear is destroyed!

Well, he hasn't been destroyed. He's just...gone into hibernation.

He's not hibernating, Julian.

He's been caught in a very violent trap.

He's probably left a foot behind. He's losing a lot of blood.

He's...hopping through the forest, being trailed by a hunter,

who's about to turn him into an ornamental rug for Nazis!

Well, I'll say it again, you know? I...

Bye. (SIGHS)

Sorry, gentlemen. OK! Stop number two!

What's this, Gawain?

Well, this is a... Ooh.

This is a sleep centre.

It's where adults go to learn what babies do naturally.

Great. Wonderful. Why are we here?

Well, what a lot of people don't know

is that at the height of her career...

(MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)

..Billie suffered from insomnia.

So this is where her insomnia was treated?

It's where it should have been treated.

I think it would have given her a lot of comfort.

Ooh, and as a side note, just down that road there

is a restaurant where I once declined to share a tiramisu dessert

with my then-girlfriend

and she broke up with me!

I'm very sorry to hear that, Gawain.

If only I'd parted with a couple of spoonfuls,

life would have been quite different!

(GRUNTS) Excuse me, uh, Gawain.

I wonder if we might skip a bit of Billie's life

and quite a lot of yours

and go straight to BBC TV Centre in Sheperd's Bush,

where they would have discussed casting Billie in Doctor Who,

even though she probably never set foot in the building,

because the show itself is filmed 149 miles away.

So we're gonna skip the apartment Billie lived in

when she was performing Reasons To Be Pretty at the Almeida Theatre?

Where's that apartment?

Belsize Park. Well, that's, um...

North. You have the street address, don't you, Gawain?

He's not gonna have the street address!

All he's done so far is taken us to a couple of random buildings

and pretended they have something to do with Billie Piper.

Uh, 33 England's Lane, Belsize Park.

Since Austin's paid...

..I'm inclined to follow his direction, sir.

Northwards!

INGRID: This is so exciting.

What do you think is the first step for my book?

Should we, um, meet with the publishers, or maybe...

I guess we need to scope out a marketing strategy...

I think the first thing is to come up with a good idea.

Yeah, I mean, obviously, but that's the easy bit.

Yes and I... I don't tend to have ideas.

Ideas just kind of find me.

Find you! Right. Yeah.

Well, I was thinking, firstly, we could surround you

with a few key people, a supportive network that...

No. No, because I want to do this on my own.

This is my solo debut.

This is my George Michael I-Want-To-Break-Free moment.

That's Queen. Whatever.

I want to illustrate this and write it.

Authorstrator.

Illustrauthor. Both.

Right.

Uh, well, sometimes when your area of expertise is one thing

and you're trying to do another, it can be...

No, because just because I'm known for doing one thing,

that doesn't mean I can't do another thing.

It might be indicative. No, Ringo.

Ringo - not known as a lyricist. Octopus's Garden.

Any good? But that's...that isn't...

That's not the point.

In terms of idea generation, there is one person...

But I've got so many ideas! So, so many ideas!

It would take a massive tractor

to plough the fertile fields of my imagination.

Seriously, I've got so many ideas,

the right side of my brain is actually making this eyelid droop.

Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. It hurts!

Well...like? Well, yeah.

So...

Quite excited.

I've been toying with the idea of doing a book about a cuckoo.

It's called Coo-cuckoo.

And...done a few preliminary sketches.

Like...massive cuckoo in a nest,

going, "Cuckoo-ooh.

"Cooo-cooo!

"Cuckoo!

"Cuck-oh!"

And then, like, in bigger font,

"Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

"Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

Like, that would be in a larger font.

Bit repetitive.

No, because I'm going to use a really interesting typeface.

Right. Any other ideas?

Well, I...I think one...

Thank you.

..brilliant idea is so much better than millions of shit ones.

I completely agree.

Now, this is the building

in which Billie Piper won GQ Woman of the Year, 2006.

I thought she was presented with that award at the Royal Opera House.

She was presented with the award at the Royal Opera House, yes,

but it was in this location

that GQ's best and brightest decided she should win that award.

I imagine the selection process was quite robust.

Lily Allen would have had her supporters.

As would Kate Winslet. (MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)

Amy Winehouse. Her Majesty, the Queen.

2006 was a very competitive year for British women.

Oh! Ooh, ooh. And you see... you see that cafe just there?

Yeah.

That's where my father told me he was very ill

and only had six weeks to live.

I was only 12 at the time. Damn!

Yes - but it turns out the doctors mixed up his results

and he was fine - he lived till he was 87.

But it was still a very stressful day!

I get that. Dads can be difficult.

I'm still in the car, Austin. Oh, yeah. That's right.

Nazi!

Such unnecessary behaviour. Tell me about it.

(PHONE RINGS) Sorry. I've gotta take this.

Uh, Heidi, I really need to see that lawyer.

Some guy just mouthed 'Nazi' to me in the street!

4:15. Her name's Sloane Matthews.

Don't be late. OK.

Uh, send me the address. Um, how's your girls' lunch?

Yeah, it's...it's fine. Yeah.

We're just, sort of...I don't know, bouncing around some ideas, really.

Ideas? Heidi, are you cuckolding me?

What, with myself? No.

I'm just working on something separate with Ingrid.

You know, I think it's maybe smart business if she, sort of,

canters along the path by herself for a little bit.

Oh, right. Really? Oh, Julian!

You're sounding very needy. Well, that's just lovely, isn't it?

I'm being dragged round South London on some wild goose tour

while you two are boozing it up

at some no-doubt very expensive luncheon,

talking about how to leave me behind - thanks a bunch!

(SIGHS)

Trouble at t' mill? It's complicated.

Been there. No, you haven't.

I told you, I'm not using a flipping ghost writer!

Sean's more of a creative facilitator.

But it says 'ghost writer' right there!

Just take another look at his CV, because...

No. No!

Take another look at his CV, because it's about getting the ball rolling,

the juices flowing, Ingrid.

We need to figure out a story.

I just don't want a bossy man bossing me about any more!

No, you boss him about! You're the boss. It's your project.

Is it my project, though? Yes.

Yes, why...why ponder over what Cuckoo does?

Why...why labour over the words,

when really, you could be focusing on what's most important - your art?

I do prefer to focus

on the most important thing about a picture book,

which is the pictures...

Mmm, so just pop over to his studio, riff out some ideas...

I don't think you can say 'riff' any more.

I think it's a bit embarrassing. FYI.

Oh. Thanks.

You'll tell him your Cuckoo idea.

See if he's got any others that are worth exploring.

Audition him.

So I am still the authorstrator-illustrauthor?

Just without the boiled egg of actually having to write it.

Bingo.

GAWAIN: Ah, yeah - not part of the official tour

but my personal highlight - that building there, that big one,

that's where Billie had her first-ever dance class,

at the tender age of five.

Ooh. Yes.

And as an interesting side note,

I once saw a man have a fatal heart attack on that very street corner.

(MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)

I held his hand as he lay dying.

The last words he said to me were,

"One of my nostrils is bigger than the other."

It's funny what stays with you, isn't it?

Gawain, could you pull over for a second?

Uh, listen, mate, uh, the Big Bear fiasco's turned ugly

and I really need to see a lawyer.

You've got our home address, right? Yeah, I do.

OK. Use that to get a cab home when the tour's finished.

Keep the receipt.

OK? Yeah? OK.

And then there were two.

Yeah, just relax, Austin - you're alone with a stranger in a van.

What could possibly happen?

MEL: You look after Austin... or I'll chop your nuts off.

Ooh, wait!

(PHONE RINGS)

VOICEMAIL: Greetings! You've reached Austin Hogan.

I'm unable to take your call right now...

(ENDS CALL)

(PHONE RINGS)

WOMAN: Directory assistance.

Hi. Yeah. I need a number for Gawain's Bespoke Tours.

Sorry. We have no record of that.

Ah, OK. Uh, could we just try 'Bespoke Tours'?

Also no.

It definitely exists - I've just been on one of his tours.

Yeah. That's not my concern.

OK! Thank you.

Taxi!

Hey, Austin. It's me.

Uh, just checking everything's OK with Gawain and, um...uh, Billie

and, um...yeah.

You know, just, uh, checking in.

Heidi, I just...I was just thinking, maybe...

uh, could you...could you give me a call?

Austin, it's me.

When you get to Shepherd's Bush, could you just...

uh, wait till I get there?

Sorry, uh...hi. Hello.

Hi. Uh, so, uh, slight change of plan.

Could we go to, uh, Television Centre?

Yes, just pull up here. Uh, I won't be a second.

DRIVER: Alright, mate.

Uh, anyway, yeah, she's covered in glitter and he's got no...

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I've lost my son.

How old is he?

He's 28 but, um, he's not from round here

and he's not answering his phone, um...

Uh...look, he's autistic but I... Right.

I'm not entirely sure how capable he is, to be honest, but, uh, I mean...

Look... Aargh!

I mean, if it was you and you'd lost your grown-up autistic son in London

but you had a slightly crucial meeting in 5 minutes' time,

would you, uh, A, find your son or would you, B...

Hey, mate, it's A.

Just go and find your flipping son.

Alright!

Alright! Yes! Yes! Yes!

I'll find my flipping son!

Just had a 3B at the gate.

Yeah. Totally off his head.

Anyway, right, so she's got this knife and he's in this mini...

BILL: Let me guess - you've lost him.

Is that Austin? Ah, hi, Bill.

No, no - we were just, um...well, we just got slightly separated...

I was wondering if he'd called you.

Where are you?

Uh...uh, London. He give you the slip?

No! We were just, um...

I mean, a couple of people got between us

on a zebra crossing, you know?

It happens. Uh, so he hasn't called?

What street are you on?

Uh, sorry - bad connection. Try again?

Just admit it, Julian. You've lost Austin.

No, no, no. It's, um...

Oh, you numpty!

We'll send you the 360 link.

You were right. Grab your onesie. We're going to London.

And this, my Australian friend,

is the end of the tour.

I have it on good authority

that it's sometimes where Billie comes

to write her television shows.

So you think I'll see Billie in there?

Probably not, no.

Didn't think so.

Well, I appreciate your efforts.

Your tour was simultaneously better and worse than I expected.

Oh, that's very... that's very kind of you.

Thanks. (CHUCKLES)

Hang on - you didn't tell me

about your personal side note for this location.

Austin, old pal...

this happens to be the very last stop on my very last tour.

Thank you for making it so special.

That's alright. Any time.

But...what are you gonna do with yourself now?

Property management in Spain.

And once I'm settled there,

I'm going to fulfil a lifetime dream.

Have doctors make your left nostril as big as your right?

Correct!

The booking's in your name. Thank you, my good man.

I wish you all the best.

And thank you for using Gawain's Bespoke Tours.

No problem. The final tour.

You're Billie Piper, aren't you?

Shh. (WHISPERS) Sorry.

The lavender Earl Grey will put hairs on your chest.

Actually, I've already got quite a few hairs on my chest.

As you can see.

It's an expression. Oh!

An idiom. Yes, that's right. An idiom.

Now, I want you to know, I don't hate Suzie.

(LAUGHS)

Well, no, you're not supposed to.

The subtext is that she's actually quite lovable.

Ah. I don't do subtext.

Uh, just text.

If I'm meant to find her lovable, then mission accomplished.

(CHUCKLES) What's your name?

Austin.

I'm a forklift driver from Australia,

who harbours ambitions to become a writer.

Of books. Right.

Well, Austin, I was a singer,

who harboured ambitions to become an actress,

who harboured ambitions to become a writer.

You've got...at some point, you've just gotta stop harbouring -

you've gotta start doing.

Hmm. That is a fair bit to take in.

JULIAN: OK. Turn left here, then 1.7 miles.

So, Heidi had quite an exciting idea.

I'm going to meet with a creative facilitator.

OK. Which... Yeah.

Is that different from a ghost writer?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know.

But I just think it's gonna be really good for us,

A, to develop creatively

and B, to, you know, have a bit of space from each other.

Space? What sort of space?

Well...I...I just don't like toast, Julian.

And I quite like to sleep in the studio.

(PHONE CHIMES) Uh, here.

I've got heels on cobbles, Julian.

OK. I'll take... Heels on cobbles.

Yeah, so there's no such thing as a perfect time to write -

just, you know, the perfect time is now.

And don't write for anyone else but yourself.

And never read what you've written until you get to the end -

just get it all out, all down on paper

and then, you know... then go back and tinker.

Question, R-E muses.

I don't have one. You need a muse.

I'll be your muse.

Thank you. But I'm not familiar with the politics of muses.

But just don't tell anyone, OK?

Because...I'm a muse to a lot of people.

You have my word, Billie. (MESSAGE ALERT CHIMES)

Oh. Hang on.

Austin!

Dad. Stepmother.

Allow me to introduce you to...

the star of screen and stage,

Billie Piper.

Billie Piper?

She's not here!

Are you OK, Austin?

But we were talking for ages!

She gave me some writing advice and she said she would be my...

Your what, Austin?

(SIGHS) Never mind.

Come on, mate. It's been a long day.

Let's get you home.

So what happened to Gawain?

Oh, he retired to Spain. Why?

Due to a problem with his nostril.

Can't take the plate, mate.

Excuse me - there was an Australian guy sat there.

Do you know where he is? Uh, he left.

He left? He left.

He asked me to be his muse.

And I said yes.

See, that's actually quite...funny.

I'm...I'm a muse to quite a few people,

like Rod Stewart -

yeah, and that's unsurprising

but most recently, um, Taylor Swift.

I mean, she didn't...didn't ask me

but I could, like... I could sense it.

Ah.

Ah!

Uh-huh.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

What is the process with Sean - he writes the book

and then you pretend to the public that you wrote it?

That's ghosting!

So, this is where the magic happens.

I'm, like, so obsessed with the idea of doing a book about a cuckoo.

It's with a heavy heart that we terminate

our association with you and Big Bear.

The book will be shredded in the morning.

People will be wiping themselves with it by next week.

We can't let that happen!

I wouldn't know how to do that without breaking in.

No-one's breaking in to anything.