Original subtitles

Travelling to Great Britain would be the single best thing

I have ever done.

Well, I'll, uh, have a chat with your mum.

There's no legal requirement to have her permission.

We need to get a camera crew out here now!

The gold is happening now!

They suggested we work with a young director called Yolanda Cox.

Morning!

The documentary was a bad idea.

I'm going to ask Heidi to completely cancel it.

So, Ingrid, here did you get to the other night?

(PHONE BUZZES)

Hello? Who's this?

It's Yolanda.

Is that the name of a person or a business?

Yolanda Cox, the filmmaker.

Heidi told me to fly out here. I'm down in the lobby.

What's...what's happening?

Oh, it's, um...

I've just got to, uh...

(WHISPERS) I'll explain later.

Um...

Hello. I'm supposed to meet someone. Um...

OK. Actually, I think I've seen her.

Uh, hi.

Julian.

Hi. Uh, that was a joke on the phone.

Obviously, I know that Yadira is the name.

It's Yolanda. Yolanda! Yes. Of course.

Oh! Yolanda of Hungary. Queen consort of James of Aragon.

I see that thou filmeth, forsooth.

Don't acknowledge me.

Just pretend I'm not here.

OK, I am gonna have to acknowledge you a bit,

because I need to tell you that it's looking like this documentary

is not going to happen.

What? Yeah. Really sorry.

So you're saying that I just spent a day on a plane for nothing?

No, no, no! We can still film something. Just not, um...

OK, this is an idea right off the top of my head.

How about we hire a classic Aussie "ute",

drive it Sydney to Perth.

Sorry, I'm just trying to get my head around this.

The Outback And Back Again with Julian Hartswood.

Channel 5 will lap that up.

I was told that we'd be making a film

about you meeting your son for the first time.

Yes. So why is that now off the table?

Well...

..the thing is, my son is autistic, and I became a little bit concerned

that maybe making a film about him might be a tiny bit exploitative.

Exploitative.

My work is not exploitative.

No, I didn't mean that. I'm calling Heidi.

Did you see my last film? Yeah.

And did you find it to be exploitative?

No! God, no.

I mean, uh, honestly, if anything, I thought, um,

did you let your subject off the hook a little easily?

Did I let end of life nurses off the hook too easily?

OK, look, I actually agree with you.

I think we should make this film.

Maybe we even have a responsibility to make this film.

Well, we do, because you told me to fly here from London.

OK. Here, here. Um...

Sorry, is this your stuff? Yeah.

Hi. May this extremely impressive young lady

leave her bags here for an hour or so?

Sure. OK.

Why don't you order yourself some breakfast, stick it on our room?

Uh, 102. I'll go and talk to my wife.

Actually, I'm dying to talk to Ingrid, too.

Oh, really? Why?

I find heteronormative creative relationships to be fascinating.

OK. Sure.

Um, yeah.

Anything you like off the breakfast menu.

Uh...the set one. Yeah.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Heidi!

I just spoke to Yolanda to check that she'd landed OK,

and she said that you're not sure about the documentary.

It's an about turn from telling me to put her on a plane.

Well, I'm just questioning, you know?

Is it definitely a good idea?

Could it be seen as a bit exploitative?

Well, I mean, you reposted a Nazi.

You should be thankful you've got something to exploit.

(LAUGHS)

But we need a positive story once the dust has settled,

so...you got any better ideas?

Strictly Come Dancing?

(LAUGHS) They're not gonna let you on Strictly, Julian.

The one where you sing dressed as a lobster.

Just do the documentary.

I was just making you breakfast in bed.

I want to say thanks, but I'm deeply suspicious.

Now, full disclosure, I dropped that piece of bread on the floor.

Oh! No, thanks.

But before I could stop him,

Granddad gave it a spritz of disinfectant,

then rinsed it under the tap

before putting it back in the toaster again.

Oh! I think it's an experiment.

We should humour him.

It's nice to see him taking an interest in science.

Austin, look at me.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Uh-huh. You looked away.

I had to blink! It's breakfast! A purely altruistic act.

After all, a boy should treasure his mother, right?

Oh, this thought has just occurred to me,

and given as I'm here, would you mind signing this for me?

I knew it.

It's just a little something that I've drawn up for my father

to prove to him I have your blessing to go and visit him in the UK.

Honey, you have my blessing.

It's just... Really?

I just have to find out if I can get time off work.

Ah, awkward.

You're actually not invited.

But the UK was something we were always gonna do together.

That was before you told me about Dad.

I can do this without you.

You don't even like going to the supermarket without me.

Mum, it's you who doesn't like going to the supermarket without me.

I appreciate the offer, but it's simply not needed.

I'm an independent young man.

Oh, by the way...

..we need a new toaster.

But before you say it, technically it's Grandad's fault,

which therefore proves I'm still independent.

He is proving less so.

JULIAN: Oh! What a liberty!

Oh! Unbelievable!

I am livid about that, actually!

What? It was just a drink. It was just a couple of drinks.

Absolutely no cigar.

What? What?

Uh, wait, what are you angry about?

The documentary maker.

There's a documentary maker, is there?

Yeah. She's downstairs in the lobby!

What?!

She just turned up out of the blue, largely uninvited.

Largely uninvited?

She said she really wants to talk to you, actually.

And you told her you'd come to your senses about the whole thing?

Well, I'm gonna do that now.

Gonna go right back down there and say, "Hit the bricks, lady!"

Um, unless...

Unless what?

Well, there's always a concern that she goes ahead

and makes the documentary anyway, without us, you know?

I mean, you know, Louis Theroux and Michael Jackson.

Uh, Nick Broomfield chasing Thatcher.

Would it be better if she was inside the tent pissing out

rather than outside the tent pissing in?

You know, getting it all over our sleeping bag and roll mats.

You know, collecting in little puddles where the ground's uneven.

You obviously still think making this documentary is a good idea.

Oh, I put to her quite robustly

my concerns about the documentary being exploitative and...

..well, I must say, she allayed my fears.

Did she? How did she do that?

Well, she, uh, you know, she...

..said it won't be.

Right, well, you're an adult.

You know, if you want to make it, fine, but keep me out of it.

So, that's a yes, isn't it?

That's an "I really don't care anymore".

Sounds like a yes.

It's a yes.

Hello!

Hearty.

Can I get this to go?

Yeah. Good idea.

Enough there for tomorrow and the day after.

Oh, I was gonna give it to the unhoused guy outside.

Yes. Yes. Good plan.

I, um, gave him some change myself the other day.

Um, and I had a chat with him, which is, um...

..it's just as important, isn't it?

You know you can't chat away your middle class privilege.

Chatting to unhoused people is patronising.

You want to chat about that?

Yeah. I mean...

..maybe later, because I've got a great update for you.

Uh, bit of news.

Uh, looks like we can shoot some stuff, um, for the documentary.

So I'm staying? Yeah.

We're gonna do this. Good!

I'll send Heidi my day rate.

Yes. Your day rate.

Um, how much is that?

Oh, well, it would be completely unethical for me to discuss fees

with the documentary subject.

Yeah, unless they're the ones that are paying.

Are you? Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.

And would you put a price

on documenting the discovery of your son?

Absolutely not.

What is money, anyway?

It's a total construct, wouldn't you agree?

Yeah. Right.

So you're pretty expensive, then?

My wife and I will be down for breakfast later.

OK. No worries.

I'm not worried.

Yeah, hi.

I was just wondering where we stand with the, you know, the ip.

The IP? The IP, yeah, that's what I said.

Of Big Bear? Yeah.

If I wanted to, um...

..take him and leave.

Just so I'm clear, you're meaning your illustrations or...?

Him. His image, his character, his essence.

He's a victim in all this, too, Heidi. He's an innocent.

Yeah, except he's not real.

He's as much our child as Florence.

Don't...don't tell her I said that.

No. And now there's Austin.

Yeah.

So, we have Florence,

Julian has Austin,

I'll take Big Bear.

Mmm, so you haven't seen the meme yet?

You killed Big Bear!

He'll be alright. I mean, it's sort of flattering.

It's not flattering, Julian.

He is goosestepping across the world wide web!

Yes, but thanks to your artistry, he actually looks quite dashing.

Yeah, but that is bad now! He's a fascist mascot!

He looks good moving, though, doesn't he?

I've always said, you know,

we should think about an animated series.

Who even are you?

You realise you're admiring a second online post by the alt right?

Your stupid midlife crisis

was going on social media in the first place.

Why couldn't you get a convertible or set up an artisanal cheese shop

like everyone else?

And now you've destroyed three decades of work

with your fat thumbs!

(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, good! That's good timing.

Is it? Is it, Julian?

Oh, hi! Yes.

Uh, darling, this is Yolanda, the, uh, filmmaker.

Yolanda, this is Ingrid, the woman I'm proud to call my wife.

Hi, Ingrid. It's so great to meet you.

Yeah.

Julian said you're not sure about appearing in the documentary.

Oh, I am sure.

I will not be appearing in the documentary.

Thank you so much for asking. It's very kind of you.

The thing is, for me, there is no film without you.

Well, I mean, I don't think there should be a film,

so I'm super relaxed about that.

OK, obviously there's the whole thing with Julian meeting his son,

which is fascinating and gives the film a narrative arc.

Yeah.

And then there's the whole context of the cancellation.

Yeah, sort of old news now, but...

No, it's very raw, current, destructive news, actually.

Of course.

It is a little one note. You know?

A little blah, blah, cancel culture, whatever.

So, for me, it would be really important

to explore your working dynamic too.

Yeah. Very productive.

And specifically, speaking as a woman,

your place in that dynamic.

Equal.

Oh, well, if you want to talk about that,

there's definitely some things I can share.

Yeah! 28 glorious years.

I mean, it feels to me

like you've always been more in the shadows.

I have been overshadowed. Uh, she said, "In the shadows."

This would be your chance to speak about your experience.

So, would you be happy to speak about that on camera?

You know, I'm feeling a bit...

..yes.

Great. Good.

Get it all on camera.

Decide what goes in the edit.

Yeah.

Get it all on camera.

Mum, I wanted to let you know that Mr. Nibbles does not appear

to be within the confines of his cage.

Have you checked the toilet? You know he likes to swim.

Mum! It's fine.

I'm perfectly able to deal with the situation.

I only wanted to let you know

that there's a guinea pig at large in the house.

Ah, there he is.

Caught the little devil.

Without any outside assistance.

I guess that's where I am now in life.

Able to stand on my own two feet and deal with adversity alone.

So, that's Mr. Nibbles in your hands, is it?

Yep! It is.

Hello, Dad. What are you up to?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Open your hands, Austin.

Squeak!

Granddad, we've been rumbled.

We needed another rehearsal. Mmm.

Alright, long story short, Mum.

I'd really like to go to London on my own, as an adult.

You'd miss me too much. Yes, I would.

But there is such a thing as a telephone, you know?

And besides, who would take care of Granddad?

I can look after myself.

Oh, but, uh, just this minute, my knees have gone.

Can you help?

Austin, we go together or not at all.

(SIGHS) That went well.

Oh!

So, I'm thinking we start with interviews with the both of you

in the lead up to the big day.

When you say "big day"...

When Julian and Austin meet for the first time.

Hmm, I think there might have been some miscommunication there.

Uh, we've already met.

I'm sorry, you've already met Austin?

Yeah.

Heidi told me I needed to come straight here

so I wouldn't, quote, "miss the gold".

This is supposed to be the opening scene.

This is... This is the inciting incident.

We could re-enact it. I don't lie to my audience.

Put a title on it. "Reconstruction."

It's a documentary film, Julian, not an episode of Crimewatch.

And loath as I am to throw yet another spanner into your works,

we did get an email this morning from our publisher's assistant

who's brought our flights forwards,

so we're actually going home tomorrow.

We can reschedule that.

Or...

Or what if Austin flew back to London with you tomorrow?

I mean, that would give us something to film.

Him coming into your life, into your world.

Yeah. Brilliant.

No, no. Sorry. Sorry.

Can I just...can I jump in here with a few issues with that?

Firstly, Austin's on the spectrum,

so, I mean, spur of the moment travel might be a challenge.

Yeah. Great. Second...

Secondly, Julian, you're gonna have to square that with his mum,

which I can't imagine is gonna be easy

because she doesn't really like you.

She likes me. She does...she does not...

Does she like you, Julian?

Would you like to have a conversation about that?

We could film that too.

And thirdly, Julian and I have a daughter together, Florence,

and she's not even met Austin yet.

Perfect.

Yolanda, I don't think you're really understanding

what I'm trying to say.

This is very emotionally dangerous for everyone.

The stakes are too high.

Yolanda...

I've just had a brilliant idea.

Uh, sort of building on your idea, if I may.

Please. Do I even exist?

OK, we book an extra ticket for Austin, but we don't tell him.

We give it to him, as a surprise, on camera.

Because autistic people are famously good with surprises.

It'd be brilliant! you know, he'll completely flip out.

Julian, can you hear me?

Austin might genuinely flip out.

Do you not remember Mel talking about his meltdowns?

OK. Forgive me. I'm spitballing here.

Um, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, we drop in at the house to say "goodbye"

on our way to the airport.

I give him a card. He opens it.

Inside is...a plane ticket.

Would that be good for the film?

I, uh... I'm just here to document.

But if that's what you would authentically do,

then I think you should go for it.

That means yes. Julian...

You have to run it by his mother first.

You have to check that she is OK with her only child

coming to London.

Absolutely.

And you also have to tell them

that you are planning to make a documentary about it.

I'm gonna book us a taxi.

Do you see how his behaviour forces me to be the sensible one?

I'm just an impartial observer, but yes.

Yeah. I mean, I don't want to be the sensible one.

I want to be the fun, vacuous one.

I want to be, "Let's all have a shower in the rain!

"Let's all go up on the roof!

"Oh, can I do a cartwheel?"

I once smoked a cigarette at Wimbledon on a really hot year,

and I might smoke another one soon.

I could talk about that on camera, if you like.

Oh, yeah. We'll get it all. Yolanda, you know what?

It's such a relief to have another woman here just to...

..just to witness the behaviour.

Ingrid. Hi.

Um, so sorry, I just can't sign your book right now

because I'm on holiday.

Hey, you've made it clear, OK? I'm a big boy.

Are you? Yes, I am.

I was just seeing if you wanted another coffee. It's my job.

Do I want another coffee?

No.

No, thanks.

He had a very raw energy.

Do you know him?

Luke? No.

Ah, Eric. Just the man.

What's that? Just the man.

I have a query, and I have determined

that you're probably the best person to answer it.

I don't know, Aussie.

Is it about your mum? No.

Is it about my mum?

Because what I told you was in confidence.

As a matter of fact, it is about your mum.

Or rather, because of your family's questionable life experience,

for which I am quite grateful in this instance.

OK.

You see, I'm concocting a plan to leave the country unaccompanied

and without alerting the authorities.

Oh. So I wanted to ask your advice.

Alright.

Do you think it is better to A,

leave a lengthy, but ultimately misleading note

to throw off any pursuers from the scent,

or B, disappear without a trace?

Without a trace. 100%. Leave no evidence.

Are you sure? Yep.

Walk with me.

When I was eight years old, my Uncle Barry took me to the footy.

He asked me if I wanted a pie. I said yes, of course.

Who would say no to a delicious pie at the footy?

So off he went.

And he never came back.

Is he maybe...

..dead?

Uh...

He was never seen again.

Do an Uncle Barry.

Do an Uncle Barry.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Austin's not here. He's still at work.

Oh, OK! Well, um, it's actually you that we wanted to speak to.

Uh, may we come in? Uh...

Hey, Dad, we've got guests.

Can you make sure you put some pants on?

I bloody would, if there were any dry.

Please. Sorry.

Don't tell me how to do my job.

G'day, Julian. Ingrid. Hi.

Uh, and who are you? Is this the daughter?

No, no. Uh, this is Yolanda, and she is a filmmaker.

Miranda. Yolanda.

Oh, American. Very exotic

Uh, a filmmaker? Yes.

We are collectively making a film. About what?

Ooh, uh, I suppose, um...

..identity, belonging, hope.

Yolanda's making a film about us.

It's about our dynamic,

how we...how we work together or don't.

Julian's choices and how they impact everyone.

Yeah. Right. And also about me getting to know Austin.

I mean, if you're happy with that.

Oh, that's very exciting.

Uh, no, no. I don't mean exciting.

Um, interesting. Yes. Yeah, I know.

Now, you were planning on telling me about this when?

Would you guys feel comfortable if I started filming now?

Yeah, 100%.

Should I, um... Should I go and look for some pants?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I don't think I am actually comfortable with this, no.

How about I just start and see how it feels?

Yeah, sure. So, action?

We don't say action.

See?

G'day.

Oh, don't look at the camera. Just pretend that I'm not here.

What sort of camera is that?

I'm...I'm a bit of a shutterbug myself.

Dad, why don't you go put some pants on, please?

That's bad, that's bad, that's bad. Yeah.

OK, so there's, uh, something I wanted to, um...

like, an idea I wanted to propose.

Oh, so this isn't the whole reason you're here?

Remarkably not.

No, you see, uh, we're due to go back to the UK tomorrow.

OK. Good. Good.

So, I mean, the main reason we're here

is to say goodbye to Austin.

Well, he'll be home soon.

But once we've said goodbye to Austin...

..I'm gonna give him this.

And for once, I'd like to credit an idea entirely to Julian.

It's a card for Austin,

and in that card is a plane ticket.

Would you look at that!

For Austin to come to London with us tomorrow.

Are you kidding?! What are you talking about?! Tomorrow?

Maybe stop filming. I have.

I'm sorry, but this just feels like a complete ambush.

Don't stop filming. I haven't.

What makes you think Austin can just go to London tomorrow

on his own?

He won't be on his own. I'm his father.

Oh, hardly. What, seriously? Plot twist!

No, you idiot! I mean, you don't even know him.

Yes, I do! We've bonded! Oh, really?

What's his middle name?

Trick question. He doesn't have one.

Is it...

Is it Julian?

Oh, wow.

What's his favourite food? Sandwiches?

Well done! Ahh!

Now, love, I just think you're in danger of being a tiny bit clingy.

Well, you asked me to tell you when you were being clingy

or desperate.

I'm not desperate. I'm his mother.

He needs me.

This is awful.

Wait. Mel, Mel.

Um...

I'm sorry. You're right. Um...

No-one knows Austin better than you.

You're his mum.

And, um...

..sorry, I got a bit carried away.

I didn't think about the practicalities.

Thank you. Thanks.

Right! So, yeah, we'll just sort of say our goodbyes

and then, um, yeah, maybe when the dust has settled,

we can talk about the possibility of a visit.

I mean, for him and you. Exactly. That's what I was thinking.

Don't look at the camera. OK.

OK. Any second...

(DOOR OPENS)

Now.

Austin, love, we're in here.

Ingrid and Julian are here.

I can see that. Hello.

Hi. Hi, pal. Uh, son. Uh... Hi, Austin.

Uh, this is Yolanda, and she is a filmmaker.

She's making a film about us. Oh, hello.

Good to meet you.

Uh, I just need a glass of cordial. I'll be right back.

Uh, we just came round to say goodbye, actually.

Our, uh, flight's leaving a bit earlier than we thought.

Um, we're going to be off tomorrow.

Oh, I see.

Well, can I come to the airport to wave you off?

Well, it's a really early flight.

We have to get to the airport at 4am.

That's OK.

Mum, could you give me a lift to the airport tomorrow at 4am?

Well, I think it's probably best if we just say goodbye now.

Yeah?

OK then.

But we were discussing the possibility of arranging a visit.

Yeah. Really?!

Yeah! That's great!

I'll get my leather diary.

Ooh, I'm sorry. Sorry, Austin.

I didn't mean that we would necessarily set it up right now.

It was more that when we get back, um, in the not too distant future,

we might arrange something.

Julian, it's been good to meet you. Great to meet you too.

Don't be a stranger. Ingrid. I'll have a hug.

Yeah, it was nice to meet you. Yeah, well, we're family now.

Yes. Yes, in a way.

And I'm sorry again about...

Oh, no. No, not your fault.

Julian's a complete idiot.

Oh.

And, um, keep going with your cartoons.

Oh, you mean my illustrations? Yeah. Illustrations.

Yes. And you. Good luck with the, um, paper.

Stationery.

Bye, Mel. Oop.

Great to... Great to see you again.

You too.

And Austin, it's been, uh, wonderful...

Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's it. In for the big one. Yep.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, son.

And, um, hey, we will sort out that visit, hey?

I promise. Yeah.

Thanks.

What's this? Oh, don't open that.

Don't open that.

I have a duty to open anything that's addressed to me in the mail.

This could be a court summons. It's not a court summons.

It's actually from me,

and I made a spelling mistake, so if I could, um...

What's this?

It's a plane ticket.

To London? For tomorrow.

This... This is the greatest moment of my life.

Did you know about this?

Well, yes.

And you're OK with me going alone, without you?

You text me the minute you get there.

I can't believe it.

I'm going to Great Britain! On my own!

No more Uncle Barry needed. I gotta pack.

Where's my dinner jacket? Is it pressed?

There's, um, actually a cinema quite near us

that does autism friendly screenings.

What on earth are you talking about, Julian?

Just saying.

You look after him or I'll chop your nuts off.

Wow.

Great. Great stuff, everyone.

OK, so let's take it from the top,

and maybe this time you say "balls" for the international audience.

You're in Great Britain now,

and what we do when we eat sandwiches

is say, "God save the King."

God save the King.

Good morning! The Billie Piper tour.

Thank you for suggesting this, Austin. It's one of my favourites.

Wait!

Excuse me. Sorry. You haven't seen a green Bedford van?

A couple of people got between us on a zebra crossing.

You know, it happens.

Just admit it, Julian. You've lost Austin.

Allow me to introduce you to the star of screen and stage,

Billie Piper.

You OK, Austin?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation