Original subtitles

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind me calling you "Dad"?

I mean, famous children's book author. Son's autistic.

Why did you have sex with my mother?

Dad goes on a journey of understanding.

There could be a book in it. It could be a documentary.

Why did you tell me if you didn't want me to meet him?

You sort of backed me into a corner.

Technically, you were sitting at the table.

I think it's best if I have my affair now. Get it out of the way.

Have an affair? Now?

Drink with me? I beg your pardon?

Drink with me?

Whoo-hoo!

Ohh.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hello, Dad. This is Austin.

Oh, hi! Austin. Oh, I'm glad you're up.

I wasn't sure if it was too early. I get up at 6:50.

I'm currently ranking flags.

Flags? Oh! Right.

Uh, you're into flags, are you?

Oh, yeah. Good!

Good. Yes. I really like the Welsh one. You know, big red dragon?

I have to tell you, it hasn't made my top 50.

I see. So, uh, pray tell, what is at number one?

I really like the LGBTQI flag, but that's not a country,

so I've gone with Japan.

I'd reconsider Wales. I won't be.

Excellent.

Um, listen, Austin, um,

Ingrid and I aren't going to be in Australia much longer...

Because all your book tour dates are cancelled.

Yes. Because you retweeted a Nazi.

Yes, I did.

So I was wondering whether you might like to spend the day

hanging out together?

Yes, I would. Very much.

I think it's important that we bond.

Well, yes. I mean, I'm so glad. I would really like that too.

Uh, maybe you could show me around Canberra?

That can be arranged.

Great!

How long can you commit to the bonding process?

Because I don't think two hours would be long enough.

If we've bonded by three hours, we should be golden.

Three hours? Yeah. Perfect.

Great!

OK, well, shall I come and pick you up, then?

Yes. That would be lovely. (HANGS UP)

Fantastic.

Hello?

Austin?

Oh, Heidi.

Yeah, just checking in about the documentary.

Just, uh, wondering how we're, uh, looking.

Any headway? Yes.

I've had a very positive chat with, uh, Rohan Helm from Bicarb Films.

Do you know Rohan? No, no.

He recommended we work with a young director called Yolanda Cox.

Great. How soon can she get out here?

Sorry? How soon can she be in Canberra?

(LAUGHS) I think we're really getting ahead of ourselves there.

It was just an initial chat, but I'm happy to set up a meeting.

No, no! That's no good!

We need to get a camera crew out here now!

The gold is happening now!

You know, what...what do they want this film to be about?

You know, a beloved and much maligned children's author

getting to know his long lost autistic son,

or a beloved and much maligned children's author

talking about how he met his long lost autistic son

a few months back?

Hmm. So we're referring to ourselves as beloved now, are we?

Heidi, these people are documentarians.

They need to be where the action is.

David Attenborough doesn't go, "Oh, I'm sorry,

"we didn't film this bit because we were sitting in London

"deciding whether we could be bothered to go to the savanna."

Just stick her on a plane! I'll pay.

OK, look, I'll call them and tell them that you're keen,

but I want you to manage your expectations, Julian,

because it's not gonna happen overnight.

What about the night after overnight?

It takes at least bloody 24 hours to get to Australia.

Heidi, I'm gonna hang up now because I want to be on my own.

And ironically, I'll be feeling less alone

than how alone I feel talking to you right now.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

What? What time is it?

Hmm?

What are you doing? Uh, just, um...

I'm just going out.

Where?

Shopping.

Shopping? Yeah! Shopping.

Shopping? What?

Hello, darling!

Mum, what's going on? Is everything OK?

When was the last time your father went shopping?

Um...

I dunno.

I remember when I was little, he got up one morning

to go and get himself an e-reader.

Yeah, and that's when he had to start taking statins.

I just don't know what to think. He's gone shopping again.

He hates shopping.

Mum, has he banged his head on something?

Well, I suppose becoming an international hate figure

and discovering you have an adult son

is the equivalent of a head bang.

But do you think it's possible

that he's just feeling really, really guilty

and he's gone to get me a present?

No. No.

If Dad's gone shopping, he's shopping for himself.

How can you be so sure? I mean, I think I do deserve a present.

Yeah, that may be so, but you...

..you know, you have married a narcissist.

A narcissist? Your father's not a narcissist.

OK, I did a few modules of psychology at uni,

and I can say with quite a lot of confidence that Dad is a narcissist.

And do you know what else

an exaggerated sense of self-importance can lead to?

Cheating.

That and...and shopping.

So you don't think I'm getting even a bad present?

No.

Like a Mexican fiesta skirt or a family of brass crabs?

You know, here, they sell coin purses made of kangaroo scrotum.

Mum, I'm gonna go now.

Sorry. Yes. I was just getting really bad present anxiety.

Thank you for helping me workshop the possibilities.

You're very valid, Mum. Goodnight. Night, squirrel.

Yeah. Night. Love you.

MAN: (CHUCKLES) Squirrel. Shh!

Who's...who's that?

But I just don't understand why I can't come along.

Because you're meant to be working.

I'll call in sick. Mum!

If you came along, you'd be a distraction

from the important business of bonding,

which is also time pressured,

given this is Julian's last day in Australia.

He's right, you know.

Jesus, Dad, are you just permanently eavesdropping

around corners these days?

Sorry, love. 30 years of working at ASIO will do that to you.

Oh, Dad, you were in data entry.

But sometimes I'd analyse that data.

Did you get paid to analyse it? No, I did it of my own volition.

But I managed to come up with some interesting theories

that nobody was interested in.

Sadly for them.

And for Australia.

Look, seriously though, love, let him go.

He needs to do this.

What if it goes badly?

Are you worried about it going badly...

..or it going well?

Oh, hi!

Huh?

How was shopping?

Good! Shopping was good!

Yeah? Yeah.

What did you get? Something for you, actually.

Something to wear.

Oh!

The reason being, I've arranged for us to spend the day with Austin.

He's going to show us the sights. Oh, that's fantastic.

I'm really proud of you, actually, for taking that step.

And I'm really keen that everything is, um, documented,

if you will, on camera.

So I was thinking, you know, you're quite creative.

Uh, maybe you could film us today, capture the memories.

Sure!

Then we could put together a little video package for Austin

as a parting gift.

Yeah! I will make sure my phone is fully charged.

No need.

Meet chesty and head strap.

I could never forgive myself

if we didn't capture these precious moments in 4K.

Now, how do I turn you on?

That's not how.

Hi!

Mark it.

There she blows!

Oh, thank you kindly.

Good morning. Morning!

Have a lovely day. Yeah! You too.

(CHUCKLES)

They're friendly here, aren't they?

Still don't know why we couldn't get a taxi.

Oh, I just thought this would be more fun, you know?

Me at the wheel, you at the...

..lens.

I don't understand why I have to wear these now.

Oh, yeah.

Just thought you could film me, you know, for Austin.

What, just film you driving? Yeah.

And talking. My thoughts and feelings, that sort of thing.

Alright. Yeah.

And...go.

Oh, yeah. Big day.

Big day. Driving over to see Austin.

Um, going to spend the whole day together,

and I'm, uh, not sure how I feel, really.

Sort of nervous.

Excited.

This could be the beginning of an incredible journey.

Have you stopped? Cut. Cut, yeah.

Don't need to say "cut". I'm just going to turn it off.

OK. Right. What do you think?

What? What do you think?

Oh, yeah.

I thought, you know, had a whiff of the Michael Palins about it,

which Austin's probably not in the right age range

to really appreciate.

But apart from that, I thought it was quite sweet.

Cool, cool.

I was worried that the, um...

..just a bit worried that the...

..the journey stuff was laying it on a bit thick, but, uh...

..I think it needs it, don't you?

What? Uh, nothing.

OK, if you want to, um, maybe...

..maybe, like... yeah, grab an establisher.

Just... Ka-koom!

And, um, just make sure you're getting everything.

Just keep turning, whatever happens.

Sorry, can you hear everything I'm saying?

Yeah. OK. Good.

I just wondered if the band had come down over your ears or something.

Good, good.

Hi. Hi!

I've, uh, come to pick up... Yeah.

Austin, your father's here.

AUSTIN: Mum, I can't find my brogues. Where are they?

Uh, just put your sneakers on, love.

Fine!

Oh, uh, you need to familiarise yourself with that.

Oh, right.

So he, uh, carries this card with him?

(READS) "I am autistic. I may be having a meltdown if stressed..."

A melt...meltdown?

Is that... Is that something that's likely to crop up?

It's just best if you keep that on you.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

I, uh...

Yeah, I'll just pop it in my pocket.

Ah!

I'm ready! Austin! Hi!

Um... Ooh, OK!

So, yeah. Alright.

Honestly, it's so good to see you, mate.

Um... I, uh...

This opportunity to spend some time with you

just...just, to me, means so much.

Thanks. You're getting all this, right?

I suppose so.

Hey! Austin! That's a big bag.

Oh! Come on, Austin. # What's in the bag?

BOTH: # What's in the bag?

# Let's see, let's see... #

Do you want to join in? It's The Big Bear stage show.

I don't think I'm familiar with it. Big Bear's Big Bag?

No? No.

I was just wondering, you know, if you had anything fun in your bag.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Now, I planned an itinerary of activities

so that we can enjoy some father/son/stepmother bonding time.

Great. Yeah.

And when I say stepmother,

I don't regard you as "wicked", Ingrid,

because you pretty much subvert that wicked stepmother stereotype

that's used in fairy tales.

Yeah, well, don't get me started on the stepmother stereotype.

It's basically misogynistic bollocks.

Bollocks. I think I've heard that expression before.

They don't have bollocks here? I don't think we need to swear.

Oh, well, the literal meaning is...cullions.

That sounds worse. Gonads.

Testes, family jewels. Kind of double Yodas.

Just ignore her. Googlies. Contents of a ball sack.

That's a red card. Right.

OK, but what we use it for in British English

is to mean "a bit rubbish".

So, me wearing these three cameras on a day that's as hot as this

is such a load of bollocks.

But I'm doing it because my husband, whom I love...

..has asked me to.

Mmm. Thank you. I love you too, honey.

Oh, thank you. Again.

I love you, too. Ingrid?

I want you to know that I don't love you

because I don't really know you,

but I do respect you a lot.

Oh, I'll settle for that.

So, what now?

I didn't have my preferred amount of planning time for this,

but I've decided to settle on at least two locations

that are personally and historically significant.

OK, great. Yeah, I had a couple of ideas too.

I thought maybe we could, you know,

dip our toes in that great big lake in the middle of town

and talk about our feelings,

just for the sheer cinematic majesty of it.

Uh, no, my plan is better.

Right. Uh, so where to first?

(FRENCH ACCENT) Enjoying the European ride, Austin?

I prefer public transport.

Statistically, it's safer than international drivers.

Yes. Quite right.

Ah, the old Parliament.

I was thinking more parks and galleries.

This part of it is half bonding and half re-education.

Huh.

This is where the Australian World War II War Council met

when in Canberra.

After meeting in this room, Menzies addressed the nation

by saying, "My fellow Australians, it is my melancholy duty

"to inform you that Great Britain has declared war upon Germany

"and that as a result, Australia is also at war."

This is great, Austin, but I actually read history at Cambridge.

I...don't need an education about the world wars.

Then why is there over 2,000 hits

on the search term "Julian Hartswood Nazi"?

Just 'cause I reposted a Nazi, it doesn't mean I am one.

I detest Nazis.

I'm always making fun of them! Aren't I, Ingrid?

Where's she gone? I even do an inappropriate German accent.

(GERMAN ACCENT) Not because I hate the Germans,

but because I think of them when I think of Nazis.

Dad, associating Nazis with all German people in general is racist.

Look, the point is, Nazis can be very, very clever,

and one of them very, very cleverly tricked me into reposting him,

but I sincerely regret it

and I hope everyone's going to finally forgive me!

Well, I think you do an excellent German accent, Dad.

Thanks.

What's next?

Let's just say the next place is pretty special.

There you are. What are you doing behind there?

You wanted cinematic.

I'm getting some dappled luminescence through the weave.

Are you sure you're not just filming the curtain?

Not completely sure. No. Yeah.

You OK, mate?

It's Eric from my workplace. My nemesis.

Our company makes the panels for here.

Austin! Your mum still got the hots for me?

She's never mentioned you, Eric.

Well, she doesn't need to.

She says it all with her eyes.

Don't be alarmed, Dad.

I've been told that Eric's not being mean.

He's just being "humorous".

I don't think he is being humorous.

And I think Eric ought to learn some manners.

Oh!

And, uh, why don't you tell me a bit more

about what you think, mate?

Well, how would you like it if I made jokes

about your mother's sexual peccadilloes,

which I'm sure are myriad?

My mother's in jail.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know that.

It's alright.

We're hoping she's gonna get executed.

No, no, no, I'm sure that's not gonna happen.

No, no, we've been working on getting her executed for months.

Don't the Australian government have rules around that?

Well, that's what her lawyer reckons is gonna happen,

so that's who I'm choosing to listen to.

When was the last person executed in Australia?

Ronald Ryan. February 3rd, 1967.

Think they're bringing it back for Eric's mum?

Sorry, did I say "executed"? I meant exonerated.

We're hoping she's gonna get exonerated, not executed.

Next stop, new Parliament House.

Do you know what?

That actually looks like a half decent monument.

I mean, it's not Big Ben, is it? But, you know, fair play.

Oh.

Um, sorry, Austin, uh, where are we going?

I want to take you somewhere that's meaningful to me.

A place that should be meaningful to all writers.

Oh, right. Fantastic.

That sounds good. Uh, can't wait to see it.

Alright, we're here. I'm sorry?

Dad, this is my mother's workplace.

Oh, what? My mum's workplace.

She's the queen of stationery.

Whenever the politicians need something to write on or with,

they go to her.

Let's do this, shall we?

I think we cut.

Do you mean stop? Yeah, I mean cut.

You're not a filmmaker. You say stop.

Stop. No.

Austin! Hello! Hi, Mum.

Well, this is a nice surprise.

Sorry, Ingrid. You need permission to film down here.

Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.

Mum has any paper you could want?

Inkjet, laser, bright white, glossy, card stock, resume...

Recycled. Hi, Mel.

I need a packet of A4 satin finish, please.

Yep. Afternoon, Austin.

Behaving yourself? Good afternoon, Foreign Minister.

This is my biological father, Julian,

and my non-wicked stepmother, Ingrid.

I'm not secretly filming you, I promise.

Oh, don't get my bad side.

You don't have a bad side.

(LAUGHS) We've just met.

And, Julian, of course. I know you. Really?

DFAT flagged you after your tweet,

but I made sure you weren't pinged as a security risk.

DFAT is the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade.

I just figured you're Austin's dad, how bad could you be?

Quite bad.

Oh! I'm watching you! (BOTH LAUGH)

No, I am watching you.

Uh, how did you know that he was my father before I knew?

It's not my first day on the job, Austin.

Touche.

Still living in Tanza Road, Hampstead?

Yes. Yes.

Lovely. How's Flo?

Yeah, well, you know... She's good.

Shame about the new partner, though.

The new partner?

Oh, it's only early days.

OK.

Oh, uh, Julian,

you're late responding to the NHS bowel cancer screening service.

It's free and could save your life.

Love that bag.

Ooh, it's not my bag, actually.

Maybe we should organise a dinner

with the Australian foreign minister?

That sounds great.

Yeah, and then at the right moment, I could just make myself scarce.

Leave the two of you together.

Yeah.

Sorry, what? You were practically gawking at him!

Oh, grow up, Julian.

I just thought he was very statesmanlike.

You know, that's quite unusual for a politician these days.

Oh, I see! you were admiring his statesmanlike qualities.

Well, listen, I don't think that you have much moral ground

to stand on, but if you do want to have a conversation...

Actually, hold that thought.

Wouldn't this be a great spot - just an offer -

to grab, like, an establisher of the location before we leave?

You know, so they've got something to cut to in the edit?

Hmm?

They?

Who's they, Julian?

The royal they.

Me!

Julian, I never thought I was going to have to ask this, but...

..are you secretly making a documentary?

What?

Are you secretly making me make a documentary?

OK, there was a vague suggestion from Heidi

that it might improve my current public image "situation"

if I were to take part in, say, a documentary

that showed me in a more positive light.

You know, for example,

a film about me getting to know my autistic son.

I can't believe you.

I can't believe you!

So you're pretending to get to know your own son

who is on the spectrum for personal benefit?

Getting to know Austin and personal benefit

aren't mutually exclusive, you know?

Do you know, that is something only a narcissist would say.

I can't have anything to do with this.

Give me the key. Don't be like that.

The key, the keys. Keys.

Thank you.

Sorry, Austin. Got to go. Bye.

Oh, my God. Where's Ingrid going, Dad?

Oh, my God. Slight change of plan.

Um, Ingrid's going to, um...

..going to go and do something,

so I thought, wouldn't it be fun if we went home by public transport?

Wonderful idea. Let's do it, Dad.

Cool. This way, I think.

Yes. There's a bus stop there.

(ODD COUPLE THEME PLAYS)

I give Canberra's public transport system an A-minus.

A-minus! Very good.

And yet, for a capital city that has so many buses,

the drivers are surprisingly polite.

That is unusual.

Have you ever played Banana Car? No. What's that?

When you spot a yellow car, you have to say "banana car".

Cool. Yeah. Let's have it.

Banana car. What?

Very good.

Very good.

Banana car!

It's orange. Yeah.

Try again, Dad.

Banana car! What? Where?

Are you sure that's not the same car?

Nope. 100%?

Mm-hm.

Come on, Julian. Relax, Dad.

It's just a game, not a competition.

You won't be saying that when I grind you to dust.

I'd like to see you try it.

As...

As the wise man says, there is no love like a father hath for his son.

It's a sentiment I'm only able to fully grasp now.

Take two. (CLEARS THROAT)

Plonker.

As the wise man said, um...

What is that quote?

There is no love like a father hast... Hast? Hath.

OK. Take three.

In the bin, you bastard.

(SIGHS)

Thanks for today, Austin.

That was a really good day.

Indeed it was.

You know, uh, Ingrid and I

aren't going to be in Australia much longer,

and, uh, I was wondering, um, when we get back and everything,

uh...maybe you'd like to come and visit us?

Travelling to Great Britain

would be the single best thing I have ever done.

Fantastic! OK.

Well, I'll, uh, have a chat with your mum,

see what we can arrange.

Why do you need to chat to Mum?

Well, I think we need her permission.

There's no legal requirement to have her permission.

Yeah, well, uh, all the same,

I feel like I'd need her to be OK with it.

OK.

Take care of yourself.

Dad...

..do you think we bonded today?

Yeah! I think we did.

I think we did.

OK.

OK, Austin is clearly quite vulnerable.

Quite vulnerable.

His mother hands him over with a printed safety warning.

Yes! OK! I said he's vulnerable.

And, um, perhaps the documentary, though well-intentioned...

Was not well-intentioned, Julian.

..though not consciously not well-intentioned...

Please stop.

OK, well, the documentary was a bad idea.

I'm gonna ask Heidi to press pause.

By which I mean I'm going to ask her to completely cancel it.

I think that is for the best.

For Austin.

For Austin. Yeah.

And also, it's quite good

because I've deleted all the footage.

What?

What, you...you took a unilateral decision?

Yeah, well, I found the stuff that you shot in the loo

where you say there is no love greater than a father for his son,

and...and I was overcome by a kind of red mist

and then I was sick, and I was like, "Bin, bin bin."

Two things.

Firstly, obviously, I never meant to harm Austin.

And secondly, the love a man has for his wife and daughter

is so profound

it exists in its own separate category of love.

Well, maybe you can try behaving as though you care for someone

other than yourself.

Sorry, we're actually having a private conversation.

That's fine. I'm just here to take your order.

Ah! Of course.

Sorry, I just thought you were a random eavesdropper.

So, Ingrid, where did you get to the other night?

Who's this? Yolanda Cox, the film maker.

I'm down in the lobby.

I'd really like to go to London on my own, as an adult.

We go together or not at all.

I'm concocting a plan to leave the country unaccompanied

and without alerting the authorities.

You've already met Austin? Yeah.

This is supposed to be the opening scene.

This is... This is the inciting incident.

I just had a brilliant idea.

This is very emotionally dangerous. The stakes are too high.

Perfect.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation