Original subtitles

You're trending. You retweeted a white supremacist.

Retweeted a what? A Nazi.

Jesus!

Well, how was I supposed to know? He didn't have any of the gear on.

I'm pretty sure that...

..I'm your son.

JULIAN: There's no way I can be your father.

It was only a couple of times...ish. INGRID: Sorry?

Are you arguing the toss about how babies are made?

AUSTIN: Probably should have mentioned this earlier,

but I'm on the autism spectrum.

I mean, famous children's book author, son's autistic,

dad goes on a journey of understanding.

There could be a book in it. Could be a documentary.

So...perhaps,

I don't know, we could grab some lunch tomorrow.

I'd really like that.

Thank you, Mr Hartswood.

Oh, please! "Mr Hartswood".

Just call me, erm...

..Jules.

Call me Jules if you like.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind me calling you Dad?

Or how about...

..my middle name's Tristram.

No. Sorry, uh...uh, Father.

Uh, D-Dad.

Uh...Dad's cool.

OK, then.

I guess I'll see you tomorrow for lunch...

..then...

..Dad.

Mum.

Dad and I have arranged to go out for lunch tomorrow.

'Dad'? At a restaurant.

A restaurant? That's a bit formal.

Maybe I should come with you. I'd actually prefer that you didn't.

Well...I'm a good plus one. Mum!

I'm a grown man. I know.

But...I don't know. I'm fun.

Are you trying to muscle in on my quality time with Dad?

Why did you tell me about him if you didn't want me to meet him?

Well, you sort of backed me into a corner.

Technically, you were sitting at the table.

A metaphorical corner.

And I'd had a big glass of rose.

Anyway, a restaurant?

Let's just go together.

Mum! I can do this on my own.

What if at the restaurant, what if there's a screaming child?

Why would there be a screaming child?

Are...are you trying to add to Austin's list of no-go locations?

Restaurants are fine, Austin.

Thanks, Grandad.

At least one person is beginning to make some sense around here.

Just let him meet the man for lunch.

I just don't know what his intentions are.

Well, you should have worried about his intentions

28 years ago. (LAUGHS)

Yes. Thank you, Dad.

FLORENCE: (ANGRILY) No, no. Thank you.

I mean, really, it's great explaining to everyone

what it's like growing up with a racist as a father.

Hang on. I may as well just drop out of uni.

The best revenge, Florence, would be first-class honours.

First of all, Flo, I don't see why you'd need to quit uni.

FLORENCE: Oh, really?

Everyone knowing you're a massive racist doesn't give me cause?

Well, that doesn't make YOU a racist.

The first move there should have been to deny BEING a racist.

Well, I'd hope everyone here knows that.

FLORENCE: Do you know what?

Do you know that the lecturers give trigger warnings

when I walk into class?

Well, I suppose that is thoughtful.

It's just a misunderstanding, you know. We're...we're sorting it out.

The reason we're actually calling

is 'cause we have some big news to tell you, Flo.

Your father's had an affair with an Australian woman.

What? Dad!

You've only been there for a few days.

It was almost 30 years ago, and it wasn't an affair,

and that's not the big news.

Well, if it wasn't an affair, Julian, what was it?

The big news is that you have a half-brother.

I've discovered I have a son here called Austin.

Yes, it was the sort of non-affair that produces a baby.

I mean, you're just trolling my mental health now.

Crusts, Grandad?

Well, I'm not an animal.

Right. I've had a brainwave.

Debatable.

Well, I was thinking, it might be more fun

if Julian comes here to the house today for lunch instead.

You know, more fun. Yeah?

Well, I don't want to offend you both, but...

..I'm not sure I want Dad to meet you guys

before he's properly bonded with me.

Well, he's already met your mother.

More than once, I'd say.

Righto, Dad.

My father is a man of letters.

He lives in London, for God's sake.

He's used to mixing with artists, judges, ombudsmen.

Well, I...I do sudoku.

MEL: Look, if he comes to the house, Austin,

you'll be able to show him your models.

I did think that a great way to get to know me could be

a PowerPoint presentation!

MEL: There you go.

I think you're onto something there, Mum.

Good grief. Well, uh, thank you very much. (SIGHS)

You're up early. Where have you been? Swimming.

Remember when Big Bear's barn burned down?

He's devastated but then realises he can see the moon?

Yeah. I've had one of those moments.

Like, maybe there's a silver lining in this for me too.

I mean, after all,

to rebalance the marriage, I now feel that I am owed my own, A...

..baby...

A baby? ..and, B, extramarital wham-whams.

You're 51. That's not physically possible.

I mean, I'm...I'm talking about the first one, not the second.

Oh, that's just not true.

Isabella the trumpeter saw a doctor, Dr Rostami, in Cyprus,

who helped her conceive naturally, more or less, at the age of 53.

Well, that's certainly a thought to get the passions racing. (LAUGHS)

A glib remark, Julian?

And it wasn't technically extramarital,

as we weren't married at that point.

Is this semantics as well?

It was more like extra...curricular?

No, that doesn't sound, erm... Extracurr...extracurricular?

Oh, very well put, Julian. What? So I'm maths and she's netball?

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) I didn't mean that.

(CONTINUES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Shit.

Idiota! Idiota!

Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

One oat latte.

Thanks.

Nice tatt.

(LAUGHS)

..toos.

Did it hurt?

(LAUGHS) Uh...nup.

I've always wanted a tattoo.

Don't do it.

Pure skin's much sexier.

Ingrid. Luke.

Yeah. No, that's, uh...

Is there, um... (LAUGHS)

..anything else I can do for you, Ingrid?

I don't know! (LAUGHS)

Um...I was thinking of maybe taking up

an extracurricular activity

and...just wondered if you...

..had anything you'd recommend.

Have you ever tried bouldering?

Beg your pardon?

Oh, yes.

N-no. Um...

But I have been truffle-hunting in the Dolomites.

MAN: Order up.

Excuse me.

Right.

Truffle-hunting in the Dolomites!

JULIAN: Ah. Hello.

There you are. Yep.

Erm...just had a call from Mel. That's Austin's mum.

Let me guess. Austin's a twin.

Oh, no. She suggested lunch at her house today.

Oh, how very nice.

You and me and the woman you had a non-extramarital affair with.

Well...actually, she didn't specifically mentioned you by name.

Ah, but I'm sure you're invited.

Erm...I just thought it'd probably be a bit boring for you, you know.

Why don't you just stay here and, um...relax?

Shall I? Shall I do that?

Uh, yeah.

No.

No. No, of course not.

You should, erm... Because I AM coming.

Great. Yep.

(INAUDIBLE)

Is that what you're wearing? Is that what YOU'RE wearing?

Well, minus the apron.

What are you making?

Vegetable lasagne. Salad. Wine.

Mum! These people are from Great Britain, for Pete's sake.

Home of Rosamund Pike, Billie Piper, David Tennant,

The Great British Bake Off.

Now, where is it? Ah!

Now, what about this?

Lobster thermidor.

I'm making vegetable lasagne, Austin.

If you want lobster thermidor, you can make it.

OK, so...

..where do we keep the lobsters?

(INGRID SIGHS)

What's that?

Yeah, Heidi's PR guys drafted a statement.

(INDISTINCT ACCENT) "I wholeheartedly apologise for the offence caused."

What accent do you think you're doing exactly?

South Africa, I think.

Could be Holland.

Erm...

..yeah.

Erm...how about

"I apologise IF any offence was caused"?

I think that's more my voice.

If it was your voice, Julian, it'd be more nasally and obnoxious.

I think you should just leave it. Whole thing's a bit kneejerk anyway.

(SIGHS)

I think we should just park it.

I'm feeling a bit DON'T park it.

What time is it ready?

That comes out of the oven at quarter past.

Is that by the clock on the oven or your timepiece?

Clock on the oven.

Can you give me your timepiece?

I'd like to synchronise it to the clock on the oven.

It's synchronised.

You weren't accurate when the clocks changed

and it's been three minutes out for months.

No, it hasn't.

You're perpetually three minutes late, Mum.

I thought you were doing it to wind me up,

only I realise it's merely neglect.

(DOORBELL RINGS TWICE)

I'll get that.

JULIAN: Mel! Wow.

Uh, you haven't changed a bit.

Erm...

..you don't look a day older.

This is...

..my wonderful wife, Ingrid...

..who also doesn't look a day...

Julian, drop it.

(MEL LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Hello.

Hi. How's it going?

Yes. Sorry, what?

Oh, sorry. Lovely to meet you.

Oh. Oh. (LAUGHS)

Now, Julian, before we do this, I need to know.

Are you fully in on this? You're not gonna bail?

What, on lunch? No, we've brought wine.

Erm...yeah. Very expensive wine.

Why is Australian wine so much more expensive than French?

Julian!

No, I mean bail on Austin.

Like, you...

..I don't want you waltzing into his life and right back out.

Waltzing? So before we do this, are you in?

Right. Um...

That's sort of...putting me on the spot a bit. (LAUGHS)

He's autistic.

He's vulnerable.

Yeah, well, so am I!

Uh, we wouldn't actually be in this predicament if...

..I don't know, you'd thought to tell me I had a son

sometime in the past few decades!

Julian! You're shouting.

I'm not shouting! Whoa!

Why does anyone with clear diction always get told...

Shall we take this, uh, tete-a-tete inside?

Better acoustics.

(DOOR CLOSES) Oh! Goodness.

It's Julian, right? Hi. Yeah.

I'm Bill. Or William if you want.

William! Hello. Yes.

I don't actually know why I said that. It's...it's just Bill.

Right. Uh, this is Ingrid, my wife.

(LAUGHS) Thank you so much for having us.

It's a pleasure.

Uh...Julian, uh,

I've got something for you.

Oh!

It's, uh, 28 years too late, but, uh...

Don't give him the condom, Dad.

Well, I can't now!

You've ruined the punchline.

Ah!

Hello, Dad.

Hello, Ingrid.

I apologise about my family.

It's kind of embarrassing.

I'm just trying to break the ice.

Great.

You look very smart.

Yes. Thank you.

Um...uh,

may I start you off with a beverage?

Oh! Yes, indeed.

That's very kind.

This is very, um...

..laminated.

I was trying to give him this, but your...your...your mother ruined it.

It's an excellent joke, Dad, and you tell it well.

Excuse me a moment.

Hope you didn't buy it especially, Bill.

BILL: Oh, no, no.

They've got a little dish of them down at the doctor's.

I was, uh, getting my bloods for my prostate.

Have you had your prostate checked, Julian?

(SIGHS) Sort of feel like I'm having it examined right now. (LAUGHS)

That's the wit of the British right there.

(LAUGHS)

Do you know who you remind me of?

Uh...no. Go on.

Uh, Hugh Grant? No.

Hugh Laurie?

No. (LAUGHS)

Mrs Brown's Boys.

The bloke in the dress!

Brilliant! (BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

So... (BOTH LAUGH)

This is incredibly awkward.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Bit of a shock.

Um, but...

..no hard feelings.

Hard feelings? Why...?

Well, you obviously didn't know about me, so...

..it's not your fault.

Or...

..did you?

Well, not until after we broke up.

Broke up? What, do you... you mean you were...?

Uh, I...I think we were actually

technically seeing him at the same time.

You have got to be kidding me.

I mean, I thought WE were a couple until he said we'd not had the chat.

What chat? And then you guys went to Italy?

Hang on. What...uh...

Florence, maybe? Oh! You've got to be kidding me!

He...he said the tickets were non-refundable.

(GASPS) Anyway.

Uh, uh...look, he obviously definitely chose the right woman.

I mean... He... What an absolute toad.

You know what? I might actually have one of these too.

What a colossal clod-humping...

..fink.

Doctor puts on gloves, bit of lube on the finger.

It's over in a few minutes.

I was, uh,

quite worried b-beforehand, uh, you know, but, uh,

in the end, I think, erm, not an unpleasant experience.

Not that I... I got aroused or anything, but...

It'd be fine, uh, if I did.

I mean, I'm... I'm not homo...uh, uh...

..uh, um, erm...

..if...if... people accuse me of being gay,

I'm...I'm...I'm flattered.

Not that it's an accusation, but... hey, you know, it's not a crime.

Well...well, it still is in some African nations, sadly, and...

..even in this country.

They didn't let 'em get married until 2017.

Uh, uh, I guess the point I'm trying to make is,

I didn't mind having a finger in my bum. (LAUGHS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

I'll have a glass of red wine.

You got it, Dad. A large one, please.

Austin tells me your book tour's been cancelled.

Hmm. Cancelled.

That word again, Julian.

Storm in a teacup. (LAUGHS) Is it?

Yes. Yes, it is. Is it, though?

Yes. Is it actually?

Yes, it is. AUSTIN: Correction, Grandad.

I did not say that Dad's BOOK TOUR has been cancelled.

Thank you, Austin. I said DAD'S been cancelled.

I mean, uh...

Julian reposted a racist on social media.

I didn't know the guy was racist, and the post itself wasn't racist.

So you just repeated something not racist that a racist said?

Exactly. Yeah. Well, that's fine.

Thank you, Austin. You're the first person to take a rational view.

You must be concerned it'll affect sales.

Yes, I think it WILL affect sales. I think the jury's out.

I think the jury's very much in.

I think the jury's out. MEL: Dad.

Julian and Ingrid didn't come here to answer your questions.

Correct. They came to answer MINE.

(SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT)

According to your Wikipedia entry,

it mentions you've been six times nominated

for the British Book Awards for children's literature

and won three times.

Mmm.

But on your publisher's website, it states that you've won only once.

Oh. Curious. MEL: Austin.

How many of these questions

are about inconsistencies with the, uh, Wikipedia page?

18. Maybe skip over these questions.

If we skip them, they won't be resolved.

Austin, just skip them.

Fine!

Why did you have sex with my mother?

(COUGHS) Oh!

Uh, uh...uh, Austin, mate, you can't ask that.

Sorry. He's very direct. (JULIAN COUGHS)

Doesn't beat around the bush. (LAUGHS)

Pun intended. (LAUGHS)

Uh, no, no, no. Pun not intended.

INGRID: Julian IS his dad.

I think Austin should be able to ask whatever he wants.

And I, for one, would love to know that answer.

BILL: Oh.

Uh...well, Austin, erm...

..I mean, we were very young.

Erm..

..I mean, your... your mother was very attractive.

I mean, IS very attractive.

Was, uh, very attractive.

And...we got to know each other.

And...

..I came to respect her enormously.

Then...

..one thing led to...

..another.

I mean, the world of events catering is a very charged atmosphere.

So...you know...

Not for one minute did I think it would lead to...

..uh, a child.

Yeah.

Do you not know how sex works?

(LAUGHS)

It's a fair point.

Maybe we go back to the Wikipedia questions.

Let's go back to the Wikipedia questions, then.

Were you at any point intending

to ask for my mother's hand in marriage?

Oh, that is such a good question, Austin.

JULIAN: (SIGHS) Honestly...

..I mean, it popped into my head, once,

uh, while we were actually, um...

Sorry, is that a bit too honest?

I...I can be a bit too honest sometimes.

I...I think that's why I... I became a writer, erm, actually.

Um...

Well, I have a question for you, Austin.

Sure. How long have you known about me?

Well, Mum always told me that I was conceived

with the help of a sperm donor.

(LAUGHS) Which is kind of true, really.

But then, when I told her that I was coming to your book signing,

because I'm an all-time Big Bear fan,

she finally admitted the truth.

You told him I was a sperm donor?

Uh, would you care to see one of my castle models, Dad?

Erm...

Wait a minute.

When did you find out you were pregnant?

Couple of weeks after I got home.

How long were you two actually shagging for?

Three months. Two weeks.

Look, you should actually be flattered.

I was trying to choose between you and you won!

Or...

..did you choose me because our holiday was non-refundable, Julian?

Yes, I've...I've been told.

JULIAN: Oh... (LAUGHS) ..well, I'm sorry.

Some of us have to work for a living.

And did you marry me for my financial cushion?

Oh!

I have Edinburgh, Durham and...

..Windsor.

(SIGHS)

So nice to have a base, isn't it?

Ooh, they've waved their magic wand in here.

Hey.

That Bill's a character, isn't he?

(LAUGHS) I mean, maybe a tad broad, but, uh...

What are you doing?

Spritzing perfume.

For, uh...?

I'm going out.

For...for a walk or...?

You know, I'm just having so many unmanageable emotions, Julian.

I think it's best if I have my affair now, get it out the way.

You're gonna have an affair NOW?

Yeah. Well, I mean, or what?

Have my heart turn black and age in dog years?

But affairs take a while to brew, don't they?

You know, to marinate.

Oh, is that so? So I'm told.

You're quite the sexpert all of a sudden.

I'm not a sexpert.

You don't think I CAN have an affair.

Well, I'm just saying.

I mean...

..we're not getting any younger, are we? (LAUGHS)

Watch me.

I said WE. I said WE'RE not getting any younger. WE!

Wait! What about the baby? Let's go to Cyprus.

It's not either/or, Julian.

(DOOR OPENS) What do you mean, it's not either/or?

You're gonna have a baby as well?

Where there's a willy...

..there's a way.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I didn't get to give my PowerPoint.

Oh. Maybe next time.

Mum, Grandad,

do you think I personally came across OK?

Because I'm very keen to ingratiate myself with my father and Ingrid.

Partly for emotional reasons

and partly because I'd like to visit Britain.

Oh! Austin. As always, you were a delight.

Topnotch, pal. Good.

Now, I jotted down a few notes on how YOU performed,

a list of positives and work-ons.

Mum, your outfit could have been a little more formal/ladylike,

but on the plus side, you smell great.

Grandad, you did not smell great.

Really? We're getting a performance review, are we?

Would you prefer I emailed it? Possibly.

Make sure you copy in Grandad.

Roger that.

LUKE: Ingrid.

Hi.

You remember me? (LAUGHS)

Remember you? Of course.

(LAUGHS) What can I get you?

Something...

I don't know. What do you recommend?

I'm feeling a bit...

..daring.

Oh, really? Mmm.

Maybe...uh...

Spicy margarita.

Spicy margarita! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Sorry. Um...

Yeah, but I'll...I'll... I'll have that.

The hotter, the better.

Hot and spicy coming up. (LAUGHS)

No. You have to guess.

How old do you think I am?

Um...

..well, your face is...

But your decolletage...

Ooh. My decolletage.

Low blow.

I'm gonna say...

..42?

Nicely done.

I'm 51.

Honestly, over 35, I think it's hard to tell.

Ingrid.

Mm-hm?

Have you ever been with a younger man?

When I was younger. Yeah.

Since being older.

Oh, I see.

Erm...

..no, I haven't.

Just how young are you?

30.

30?

And I, uh, finish in half an hour.

Drink me?

Drink... Sorry, I beg your pardon?

Drink with me?

Oh.

Ooh. (LAUGHS)

Can I phone a friend? (LAUGHS)

29 minutes.

Hot.

Go.

Hot.

Hot.

JULIAN: Yeah, she's just gone out for a bit.

We're, um, uh...

Oh, that's fine. It'll all be fine. You know.

I think she just wants to, you know...

..show me that she has some, uh...

..you know...

..that she's taking this lying down.

I mean, not lying down.

Won't be lying down at all.

Huh.

MAN: So...just the club sandwich, then?

Yes, please. Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

(CRUNCHES)

For me, it's...

..it's not just a sport.

It's a spiritual thing. You know? (LAUGHS)

Just out there alone on the water,

in the majesty of nature.

Just you and... (LAUGHS)

..the ocean.

(LAUGHS)

I never thought of snorkelling in that way before.

You...should really give it a go. Yeah.

You'd love it. (LAUGHS) Yeah?

I've done it three times. (LAUGHS)

Only sunk once.

(LAUGHS)

We're just here. Oh, right. Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Careful. Oh! Oh! Watch out.

Careful. Me too.

(LAUGHS)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(KEYS CLATTER)

(LAUGHS)

Whoo!

(LAUGHS)

Would you like a drink?

Yeah.

Actually, I'd quite like some water.

When I get back, you can tell me some more weird stuff

about the old days.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, we used to have a kind of video called Betamax.

Discman.

(LIQUID POURS) Nice pics.

Is this your mum?

That is my ex-girlfriend, Deborah.

That's my mum.

When you were a kid, was TV really...

..black-and-white?

Whoa.

I'm sorry, I'm just...

..I'm just... I'm just feeling a little bit, um...

Are you having a vasomotor dilation?

I beg your pardon? Hot flush.

Uh...

That is...

I'll get some ice cubes.

So sexy. (SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Ingrid.

Did...did you...

No. No.

Sorry. You...you don't have to answer that.

I got a bit drunk.

Me too.

I actually got locked in the gym.

And I ate a LOT of food.

(LAUGHS)

Well done.

That's very pathetic. No.

Look. Look.

I'm sorry. Really.

Are you?

I know.

It's just...you know, I just...

..needed...

No, no, no, no, no. Don't...have a revenge affair.

It's just... it's such a lot to process.

It was ages ago.

I hadn't fallen in love with you yet. We'd only just begun.

And we had a holiday in Italy, but what WERE you to do?

Well, precisely.

Well... (SIGHS)

..no, I mean...

..obviously, I loved you more than non-refundable tickets.

Do you?

You know I do.

Do you, though?

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

OK.

Julian. Menopause...

What about it?

Does that turn you on?

No.

Erm...

..should it?

Uh-uh.

I was wondering whether you might like to spend the day

hanging out together.

I think it's important that we bond.

Just checking in about the documentary.

I want you to manage your expectations, Julian,

because it's not gonna happen overnight.

JULIAN: I could never forgive myself

if I didn't capture these precious moments in 4K.

Morning. Morning!

You secretly making a documentary? What?!

Are you secretly making me make a documentary?

Dad? Do you think we bonded today?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation