Original subtitles

Hey, Dizzy. Best hangover cure - sardines on toast.

Simone.

Just because he plays guitar

does not mean that you're in love with him.

Bye, Brian.

And remember, Joe Rogan is not a scientist.

MAN: Ozzie, my man!

All the best for tomorrow, mate.

Austin! Come on, mate!

We've actually got a lot more in common than you think.

Like, we both really like...

..your mum.

The only thing that we have in common, Eric,

is that we're both forklift drivers and are 60% water.

Goodbye, Eric. Heads up!

Hello, Tam.

I have prepared for you

a list of Meryl Streep's best performances in films,

for which she did not receive an Oscar,

starting with Death Becomes Her and ending with The River Wild.

Oh. Thank you, Austin.

And good luck tomorrow. Thank you.

He'll never see it coming. Indeed, he won't.

(PHONE RINGS)

Heidi. Uh, hi. WOMAN: Julian.

Oh, thank God. I've been trying to get hold of you for hours.

So, what's going on?

Have you been on Twitter, or X,

or whatever it is they're calling it these days?

No. Well, you're trending.

(LAUGHS) That's fantastic!

No. Not fantastic, Julian. You're a hate figure.

Well, envious of success. British disease, I'm afraid.

No, I think it's probably got something to do with the fact

that you retweeted a white supremacist.

Retweeted a what?

A Nazi.

Ingrid. Oh! Sorry.

I just got off the phone with Heidi. The signings off today.

Uh, Dymocks have pulled out.

That's annoying. Yeah.

Why has Big Bear got no shorts on?

Oh, it's just ideas I'm sketching.

I think maybe shorts and no top,

but not no top, no shorts, it's...it's a bit kinky.

Well, he's an innocent, Julian. He hasn't got sex organs.

Hasn't he? 'Cause that's a major creative decision.

I might have wanted to do something about that

further down the line. Oh, might you?

You so did Dymocks give a reason why they didn't want to do the...

Oh, it's just a fuss about nothing.

Basically, I re-X'ed, um... What?

Retweeted something about freedom of speech,

which I defy anyone who cares about an open democracy to disagree with.

And that's why they've cancelled?

Well, it transpires that the original tweetee was, um...

..is, uh, quite a prominent, um, rather active, um,

very successful in his own rights,

uh, neo-Nazi.

Julian. Jesus!

Well, how was I supposed to know? he didn't have any of the gear on?

And I re-emphasise - the tweet itself

was a perfectly reasonable statement.

By a neo-Nazi.

Well, newsflash, bad people are sometimes right

about certain things.

I mean, I know that nuance

is now lost from our discourse, but it's true.

There are probably some things you'd agree with Hitler about.

Julian, please don't choose this as a hill you want to die on,

or your obituary's just going to read,

"Julian Hartswood, co-creator of Big Bear,

"who thought Hitler had a couple of good points,

"was stoned to death yesterday by woke toddlers."

Fine. I take your point.

Do you really think I'll get an obituary?

Is this going to impact the rest of the tour?

No, no, no. I spoke to Heidi.

She's going to put her PR guy on it first thing in the morning.

I mean, tomorrow, it'll all be yesterday's news anyway.

Will it? Yeah.

But will it? I think so.

Will it, though?

I'm going to go and take a shower.

Stick some pants on that bear.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello! Ingrid!

It's Monica from Stone and Crow.

Oh, hi.

Listen, with everything that's going on,

I just wanted to reach out to let you know

how much we value working with you.

Hopefully for a long time to come.

Oh, well, thank... thank you so much.

That... That's really good to know. I'll let Jules know.

Well, I meant YOU.

Oh.

Incidentally, I was talking about you with Nathan's sister's team.

He's looking for a new illustrator.

We thought you'd be a brilliant fit.

Oh! Wow...

Um, obviously, I'm very flattered, but, um...

I've never worked with anyone other than Julian.

Well...have a think about it.

4:30's perfect. Yeah.

Uh, sorry. What was your name?

(ON PHONE) Uh, it's Odin. Odin. Fantastic.

Well, thank you, Odin.

We shall see you later. Yeah. OK! Thank you.

No, no. Thank you. Yeah. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Are you trying to get uncancelled?

Negatory. Cancellation acceptardo.

Oh, no. You're not trying to find a workaround.

I found one.

I called a few bookstores, and, um...

..these guys, uh, The True Reader,

are more than happy to host us.

Or...

..we could have a day off.

Boring. Oh, thanks.

Don't you have to run it by Stone And Crow?

No point. They'll all be in bed now anyway.

No, they can find out tomorrow and actually feel quite embarrassed

they didn't have the moxie to organise this.

What can I do? What can I do?

I think just stand there.

Five minutes.

Over there.

I'm so sorry, guys.

It's alright. You're just doing your job.

We'd be so grateful if you didn't remember us like this.

It's such a shame. I was brought up on Big Bear.

I think we all were here. Careful!

That's a beloved childhood icon.

If it had been anything other than racism,

I think you probably would have been OK.

They're just really strict on that here, unfortunately.

Me too.

'Cause I didn't actually retreat anything racist.

It was actually about freedom of speech.

Luckily, there are still some bookshops in this city

that understand that crucial distinction.

So sorry. Bye.

My childhood was a lie.

How would YOU describe that font?

I mean, at the very least, I'd have to say Germanic.

Honestly, makes me think of the New York Times.

Yeah. You don't think it has overtones of racism?

No. Loads of papers use it.

Daily Telegraph, and they're not...um...

Let's just get the stuff inside.

Julian, there's quite a lot of copies of Mein Kampf.

OK, well, it's a historical document.

Lots of bookshops have it. Oh, yeah?

In a window display, in the original German?

Really?

Hey, you two. Hey.

Can I get you anything, like a tea or a coffee?

BOTH: Uh...

Oh, a coffee would be great. Yeah, coffee would be great.

Actually, do you know what?

I fancy a tea, but, um... yeah, not too strong.

OK. Just show it the bag.

Show it the bag.

Yeah. Too easy.

(WHISPERS) Julian. Julian.

Did you see their knuckles?

Yeah. 'Hate race'. And you know what? Me too.

It's a social construct. Very divisive.

Julian.

BOTH: Race hate.

We need to get out of here now. We need to go.

What are we going to do with the books?

Forget the books. They're gone. They're gone.

I'm not leaving Big Bear here.

He looks like he's heiling Hitler.

No, Julian, wait.

So, how long have we been on the website?

I don't know. A couple of hours. OK.

And nobody's here, so maybe nobody saw it.

We need to get it down now. Right.

OK. Um...

Odin?

Yeah.

Such a pretty name.

Um, what is the Wi-Fi password, please?

Oh, Dresden45.

Capital D.

(WHISPERS) Crap. Crap, crap, crap.

OK, you do that.

If anybody comes in, you tell them it's been cancelled, OK?

OK. What were you gonna do?

I'm just going to go and say I'm terribly sorry.

It's like a terrible misunderstanding kind of thing.

Really? Are you sure? Maybe I should...

No, I don't think... I think, let's be honest,

I have got a less confronting face.

What's wrong with my face?

I'm a massive fan of your face.

I just think there are circumstances in which your face

might be deemed...

..punchable.

And I just think it'd be really nice

if we could eliminate that possibility.

You think I've got a punchable face? Oh! Don't do that!

I'm not doing that! I am trying...

I am trying to fix your boo-boo

by getting into the mindset of a disappointed racist.

That's really hard for me.

Hello? Hello.

Uh, Big Bear or racism?

I'm here for the signing.

Ah, great. Uh, sorry.

Um... It's cancelled.

As in, it's not happening anymore.

Oh, well, that's a disappointment.

OK.

Is that a...copy of the book? Yeah. It is.

Um, look, I'll tell you what.

Uh, let me just sign that for you quickly.

What's your name? Austin Hogan.

Uh, how do you spell Austin?

A-U-S-T-I-N. OK.

There we go.

Thank you. Bob's your uncle.

My uncle's called Jim Hogan.

Great.

I was wondering if you could also sign these.

Oh... I mean, it's entirely our fault.

We should have done our research.

It's just this isn't... really our ethos.

Of course. I totally understand.

I actually find it quite abhorrent, to be honest.

Yeah. A lot of people do. And I get it.

I know all about finding things abhorrent.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, do you take sugar with your tea, or...

Do you have honey?

I thought I was the only one who liked honey in their tea.

Oh, no. No, I'm obsessed with it.

Julian sometimes calls me honey because I love it so much.

Cold-pressed.

You are an absolute dreamboat.

I know.

There's also another reason that I came today.

Mm-hm? I wanted to tell you something.

I'm pretty sure that I'm your son.

I'm your son.

OK. I'll... I'll be right back.

OK.

That's a little surprising.

3G, 4G, 5G -

like, you just don't know what they're putting in the water.

(WHISPERS) OK, we need to get out the back.

We need to get out the back, now. What's... What's going on?

We haven't got a back exit. Have you got a panic room?

Yeah, I've got a concrete bunker.

Great. That's where I keep my guns.

OK. Julian...

I don't want to go in the racist bunker.

There's a maniac out there. Oh, shit.

A guy just wandered in off the street,

said he thinks he's my son.

And did you ask him why he thinks he's your son?

No. Why not?

Because he's a maniac. And why is he a maniac?

Because he thinks he's my son.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Yes.

Thank you.

Hello. Ah, hello.

Hi.

My name's Ingrid. I'm Julian's wife.

Ah, good to meet you. I'm Austin Hogan.

I think you're a supremely skilled artist.

Ah! Amazing. Never gets old!

And I think that you have excellent taste, sir.

Thanks.

Now, I understand that you believe that Julian might be your father.

That's correct.

Excuse me.

Do you have anything on the Great Replacement theory?

Oh, uh, that's over here, actually. Oh, cheers.

Should we do this somewhere else? Yeah, sure.

Racists first.

Here we go. One decaf latte with hazelnut milk.

One lemonade. Thank you.

Um... Austin. Uh... (STIRS LOUDLY)

Um, what was that about?

I was just doing that to make it flat.

I prefer it that way. Right. Yeah.

But I think... Well, there's no way I could be your father.

So, Austin, why is it that you feel that Julian might be your dad?

First of all, I've never been to Australia before.

And, uh, cards on the table,

I actually find Australian women quite frightening.

Not attractive to them. All Australian women?

What? Kylie?

Well, I don't think his mother's Kylie, is she?

My mum's not Kylie. She's called Mel Hogan.

Never heard of her.

She lived in London for a period in her 20s.

And she said that she met you

while she was working as waiting staff

for an outside catering company.

Oh, but, Julian, you did used to do that when we first met.

Yeah. That's true. And for a while beforehand.

I brought a photograph of her from around that time, right here.

Well, Do you recognise her?

Austin, I...I...I... do remember your mother.

Yeah. Oh, my God!

But there's no way I could be your father.

I mean, it was... It was only a couple of times...ish.

Surely a baby requires more sustained...

Sorry - are you arguing the toss about how babies are made?

Austin, um...

The thing is, your mother, I mean, as far as I remember,

was, um...

..no better than she ought to be.

Oh, Jillian, please don't be the kind of guy

who says the kind of thing I think you're thinking of saying.

She was not without the attention of young men.

And, without judgement, liked a good time.

Say you're slut-shaming this poor young man's mother.

My mom seemed pretty certain.

But I consider myself a man of science.

Right? Yeah. Good.

So I wondered if you might be willing to take a DNA test.

Yeah. I'm not going to say any more without a lawyer present. Come on.

So... Sorry, Jillian, he's not accusing you of murder.

I must apologise for my husband.

Julian is excessively concerned about his money.

OUR money! No, I'm not.

Oh, I should have made this clear.

I'm not interested in money or anything like that.

You see, I'm on a quest

to understand who I am and where I come from.

OK. Yeah.

I suppose I could do a DNA test.

Great.

What, now? Is that a problem?

No. Just, um...

I mean, I... (STAMMERS)

I thought it'd be in a couple of weeks or something.

Um...

I will need you to fill this up to the line.

With what?

Saliva.

Yeah. Good. Austin...

How old are you?

28 years and two months.

28 years and two months, plus nine...

Yeah, just before we met. No.

No, that's not quite right.

Yes, it is. Sorry. The saliva has suddenly gone from my mouth.

No, because we've been together for 29 years, and a bit.

Ah, right.

Austin, I don't suppose you're 30?

I'm so sorry. Would you excuse me?

Sure.

I'll be right back. Sure.

Where are you going? Back to the hotel.

Don't particularly want to see you, to be honest.

Why? Because you've had an affair!

Shh! We might get papped.

We're not going to get papped, Julian.

Nobody knows what the hell we look like.

Anyway, I didn't have an affair! You're massively overreacting.

Oh, am I? Because 28 years and 11 months ago, Julian,

we were together.

IF I slept with this woman... Well, you just said that you did.

OK. If or when I slept with... Well, it's 'when', isn't it?

Alright! When I slept with this woman, you and I...

We had been together for two months.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

You had a thing with that diplomat from your book group.

With Wyndham? Yeah.

Are you serious? Yes.

Wyndham was 92!

He hadn't had an erection since John Major had been in power.

Maybe so, but... Ah, how do you know that?

Well, because I used to give him a lift to and from book group.

Oh. And, yes, OK.

So, once, I took him to a doctor's appointment,

and I didn't bring him home again

because that was where he died!

Look, can we just park this, just for today?

We've got a lot going on.

Have WE got a lot going on, Julian,

or have YOU?

Listen, uh, I'm going to have to make a move,

but it was, uh, really nice to meet you, Austin.

And, um...

Yeah, drinks are on me.

Put your wallet away.

I didn't bring my wallet.

Right. OK. Yeah, well, I don't mind splashing out.

What do you mean, splashing out?

Well, 'put your wallet away' is a British term

meaning the other person will pay.

And 'splashing out' is a British term meaning...

..it's really expensive.

Splashing out.

Thank you. That's very instructive.

Maybe we could meet up again tomorrow?

Ah, well... We'll be in Sydney tomorrow.

What about the day after that?

Melbourne? What about the day after that?

Adelaide. Day after that?

The point is, we're travelling through

a series of Australian cities, and then we're going home.

OK, well, I prepared a printout for you.

It contains some information about me,

including my contact details.

When you have some free time, you could let me know.

Um...

Well, I'll be in the UK.

I've always wanted to visit Great Britain.

Look...

Austin, um...

I don't want you getting the wrong idea here.

How do you mean?

We have completely separate lives. We... We don't know each other.

Not yet, we don't.

Yeah, but what I'm trying to say is,

even if I am your biological father...

..that it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean your dad.

Your dad here in Australia, that's your real dad.

I don't have a dad here in Australia.

Right.

I probably should have mentioned this earlier,

but I'm on the autism spectrum.

Makes sense.

So I apologise for any faux pas I may have made.

You haven't made any faux pas.

Thank you for the lemonade.

Yeah. Um...

Um...

Something for the road? Um...

Granola bar? Apple?

I'm good. Thank you. OK.

I'll get it.

Uh, hi. Uh, could I get the cheque?

Hi. Hey. Hello?

No, hi. Hi, Monica.

It's Ingrid Hartswood here.

Apropos of our, um, our call this morning.

Um, yeah. I don't know what time it is there.

Um, I actually don't know what time it is here.

It's been a bit of a day.

Also, I'm terrible at maths,

but you haven't answered, so that's probably good.

Sorry. I'm wittering.

I just... Yeah, I wanted to leave a message

before I, um...

..doubted myself, to say that

I would love you to intro me to some other authors.

Um, so much so, actually,

I think I'll ask Heidi to have a think as well.

Um, so, yeah, I'm V-V-V-V-V excited about that.

So, um... Yeah. Don't be a stranger.

Yeah? Um, sorry. This is a message. You're not there.

Um, but, yes, we'll speak soon. Bye.

WOMAN: Austin, how'd it go?

I don't wanna talk about it.

What, is that because it didn't go how you'd hoped it might?

I can't answer that without talking about it.

I'm going to my quarters.

Don't worry, love.

Meeting your dad for the first time

is always a tough day at the office.

Besides, the...

..guy probably thinks it's a cash grab.

What?

Well, you raised that boy on your own,

so he owes you back-payments, with interest.

I don't want his money. Really?

I mean, he's a famous kid's book author,

and we haven't got a pool.

Oh, hi. Hi, Julian. How are you? Where's Ingrid?

Oh, she's, um...

She's, uh, she's just popped out for a moment.

Oh, right. I'm not going to beat around the bush.

It's very bad news.

(SIGHS) OK. OK.

Look, I'm sorry. As far as we knew,

it was just another independent bookshop.

What was? Nothing.

Uh, sorry, you talk.

OK, well, there's, um... Oh, Russell!

Yeah. There's somebody that I want you to meet.

This is, uh, this is Russell.

He's from Superb PR. Russell.

Ah, Julian. Lovely to meet you.

I grew up on Big Bear, yeah?

Russell looks expensive.

Yes, he is, but he's also a PR genius, aren't you, Russell?

He handled that incident

with Harry Styles and the marrow, didn't you? (LAUGHS)

Well, what was that?

Exactly.

Now, Julian, first of all, we need to do a little bit of firefighting.

Then we'll turn to rehabilitating your reputation, longer-term.

Now we'll start by putting out a statement.

Oh, yes. I've been thinking about this.

Um, I think we stand firm and say, storm in a teacup, you know?

Didn't know the guy was a racist, deplore all that stuff,

but still think he made a fair point about freedom of speech.

Yeah, we could do that.

Then take all your money out of the bank, shred it,

and have a very expensive bonfire.

You think it's a bad idea?

I think we want to end the storm quickly,

not turn it into an argument.

Simple apology, rounded off with

something about how you're committed to educating yourself.

Oh, fine. OK, great.

Now, what about black friends in the industry

who might be willing to tweet something supportive?

Hmm. Yeah. Black friends. Um...

I just sort of scanning through them all,

trying to pick the right one.

Do you want to get back to me on that?

Yes, please. Yeah, yeah. Great.

Now, in terms of rehabilitating your image, longer-term,

I think we want to get out some positive stories,

like your charity work.

Charity work. Yeah, yeah.

Who are your charities?

Well, I texted blankets to UNICEF,

during Young Adam on Film4, just before Christmas.

Why don't I draft something and you can check it?

Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah. Great.

Oh, by the way, uh, Jackson received an email...

Jackson! MAN: Coming!

Yeah, uh, it's probably just one for the lunatics file,

but it's from a woman who says that her son,

who's... Mm!

Oh. So YOUR son is coming to a signing.

Uh, yes, I've met him. It's been quite the day.

Oh, you alright? Well, not really. No.

I mean, this guy turns up, saying he's my son.

Ingrid's livid because it was when we were first dating.

And then, to cap it all, he tells me he's autistic.

I'm sorry. Did you say the guy's autistic?

Yes. Yeah.

That could that could be a good story.

How do you mean?

I mean, famous children's book author,

son he never knew he had tracked down his dad.

The son's of autistic.

They spend some time together.

Dad goes on a journey of understanding,

a positive transformation.

There could be a book in it. Could be a documentary.

Yeah, I like it. I love it.

(LINE RINGS)

WOMAN: Hello. Oh, hi.

Uh... May I speak with Austin, please?

Is that Julian?

Is that Mel?

Yes. Goodness me.

You haven't changed a bit, uh, vocally.

How have you been?

Um... Good. Yeah.

Still into the Cardigans?

No. Not really.

No. Right. Uh...

Would it be possible to... to speak with Austin?

Alright, just a sec.

Austin? Yes, Mum?

It's, um...Julian.

Oh!

Hello? Austin, look, I'm...

I'm so sorry about today.

The honest truth is, you sort of caught me a bit by surprise.

That's... That's alright. I can understand that.

I mean, I had time to mentally prepare for our meeting,

but you weren't really able to do that.

Right! Yes. I mean, it was just such a shock.

But, I mean, of course I want to see you again.

Um, we're not actually travelling to Sydney tomorrow evening,

so perhaps, I don't know, we could...

..grab some lunch tomorrow.

What do you mean - eat lunch together?

Yes. Yeah.

I'd really like that. Thank you, Mr Hartswood.

Oh, please. 'Mr Hartswood'... Just call me, um...

Just a call from Mel. That's Austin's mum.

She suggested lunch.

Mel! You don't look a day older.

This is my wonderful wife, Ingrid,

who also doesn't look a day...

Julian, drop it.

I apologise about my family. It's kind of embarrassing.

I'm just trying to break the ice.

Why did you have sex with my mother?

(COUGHS)

Have you had your prostate checked, Julian?

I sort of feel like I'm having it examined right now.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation