Original subtitles

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪ theme playing ♪

♪

- I'm surprised you didn't call in sick this morning, Fry.

Isn't it a special day?

- No, just my birthday.

All I want is to enjoy the quiet desolation of space

for a few peaceful hours.

ALL: Surprise! [party favor blowing]

- Uh, 'kay. This really wasn't--

- Happys birthdays! - Happy whatchacallit!

- Surprise! - Surprise!

[dribbling] - Happy B-day, Fry.

- Jeez. How many people did you invite?

- Only a few. Less than 40.

MORE GUESTS: Surprise!

[floor squeaks] - Surprise, sailor.

- [sighs] Thanks, everyone.

- What's the matter, Fry?

You look sick and so darn blue.

- Chicken cordon bleu!? B'kaw!

- I don't wanna talk about it. [sniffles]

[sighs, sniffles]

[megaphone feedback] - Attention, party people.

We got a code 99. Birthday boy unresponsive.

- We need backup.

So, I'ma turn the music back up. [clicking, whirring]

♪ disco music playing ♪

[cheering]

- Hey! Please, just--

[cheering]

[ship creaking, crashes] [alarm blaring]

- Emergency! All butts to battle cushions!

[engines straining]

We're being pulled off-course

by some huge gravitational force!

A black hole!

♪ dramatic sting ♪

- Scruffy begs to differ.

I see it as more of a gray-brown,

or perhaps toasted umber.

- Impact in three!

I mean, one!

[all screaming]

[ship creaks] [all groaning]

- Is everybody okay? 'Cause I'm not.

[wind blowing]

- Coming out! [clanging]

Ow! [spitting]

[fizzling, whirring]

♪ eerie music playing ♪

- We heard a girlish scream. Are you okay?

- Did anyone else see that?

- No. I was busy making a tourniquet

out of my tiny, tiny shirt.

- What kind of hellhole has Leela brought us to this time?

- A barren wasteland devoid of life.

Like Fire Island after Labor Day.

There's literally nothing here.

Except that tasteless suburban teardown.

♪

- [gasps] That's the tasteless suburban teardown I grew up in!

[door opens, creaks]

Whoa, weird.

I was just repressing a memory of this.

It's set up exactly like my 8th birthday party.

The theme was Game Night Afternoon.

♪ mystical music playing ♪

- What's wrong, son?

Worried about our boys in Grenada?

- No. It's just I-I'm not very good at games, Dad.

I don't wanna lose on my birthday.

- Oh, don't worry.

Not everything in life is about winning.

But most things are. Almost everything.

[knocking]

FRIENDS: Whoa! Happy birthday!

- Here's Josh Gedgie!

High five, best bud!

- Oh! So close!

[both laughing]

♪

I can't believe it. Everything is exactly how it was,

right down to the two-liter bottle of Dr. Peeper.

- What kind of weirdos would go to the trouble

of recreating a low-budget store brand birthday party?

- It was we! [whirring]

[all gasp]

- He meant us. It was us!

- I don't know. I thought "we" sounded better.

- Look, never mind the grammar.

How did you big-heads get my old house here?

- I'ds likes to hears about the grammars.

- Recreating Fry's house was mere child's play,

thanks to the power of our machine. Behold!

♪ dramatic sting ♪

It scours the minds of visitors

for powerful memories of conflict.

- And recreates those conflicts

in every detail!

- Today, we shall reenact

Philip J. Fry's 8th birthday party,

including all the thrilling children's games he played!

- I do enjoy Twister.

- No Twister! You wouldn't believe what the mean kids used to twist.

- Then, we shall begin with the classic

yet copyright-free game

Barrel of Primates!

♪ mystical music playing ♪

- Who's ready to link monkey parts?

KIDS: I am! Me!

- They call me Monkey Breath for a reason.

- Longest chain wins.

Players, start your chains!

[plastic clattering]

♪ tense music playing ♪

- You shall play as two traditional teams

of 17!

- Only instead of boring plastic pieces,

you shall be the primates.

♪ dramatic sting ♪

Kindly enter the barrels when ready. [beep]

[hissing, whirring] [yelling]

- I'm ready now. [snorts]

- Let the game begin!

- Uh, okay.

We should probably obey the heads.

- [giggling] This is kind of fun.

- Dang. You must work out a lot.

- I'm a leg. Every day is leg day.

♪ mysterious music playing ♪

[pained groaning, murmuring]

- I don't remember this being so hard when I was 8. Oh...

[groaning continues]

- Did we mention there's a twist?

- I knew you were twist guys! [beep, hiss]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

- Oh, great. A pool of acid?

- No. We're not monsters!

- It's actually a highly alkaline liquid.

That's the twist!

It'll dissolve you twice as fast as acid!

- But I have a fear of dissolving!

How do we get down from here?

- By falling, of course.

[all gasp]

For in another twist,

these party games shall be...

to the death!

♪ dramatic sting ♪

MRS. WONG: Although we kinda guessed that from the bones.

♪ light music playing ♪

- Ooh, and it's a real barn-burner!

Phil's the sentimental favorite,

but the smart money's on four-eyes.

- The name's Gedgie, and it may look close,

but I've got the Gedge.

[kids gasp] - Fry's still in it!

Ah-choo!

- Look at him hook!

- Impressive, but my superior dexterity will--

[stammering] Aah!

[crash]

- I... w-won at something?

I hope my grandma's proud of me down in Hell.

- [sighs] Nice job, Phil,

but I'll Gedge you next time. [laughs]

- [giggling] That never gets old.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[all groaning, wailing]

- I say, I say, I don't know how much longer

these old hollow bird bones can hold out.

- Why did you monsters dream this up?

And are the streaming rights available?

- Our motivations are three.

Mine is to gain knowledge

by making people crash on our planet

and subjecting them to bizarre experiments!

- As for me, I don't have any motivations.

- And I have two motivations!

Gambling, and making these cool masks.

Let the gambling begin!

- Fifty quids on the red team.

- A hundred quids on blue!

- [gasps] Listen up, people!

If we're going to survive, we all need to work together!

- Or we can shake the other team's bar

and make those losers fall first!

- I vote for the shaking thing.

[blue team groaning] [Bender laughing]

[wailing, yelling]

- Cut it out, Bender! Cheating is against the rules!

- There are no rules.

Oh wait. Here are the rules.

It just says, "Fun for ages 3 to 99."

- No wonder I'm not enjoying it!

- Now, hold on a minute.

According to the laws of calculus,

we might just be able to link chains

to form a stable structure known as a catenary.

[crack] [yelps]

Damn! My dribbling and differentiating arm!

[blue team screaming]

[splashing]

- Ah!

- Is okay. Is only water. Just as I foresaw.

[sizzling] Oh. Oh, wait.

[yelping]

♪ Squid Game -esque vocalizing ♪

[all gasping, murmuring]

[Amy crying]

- That game was not fun!

- Congratulations to the red team!

I'm sure you'll all want to celebrate with some birthday cake.

[Leela crying]

- My parents and my grandmother a-are dead!

[sobbing]

- I'm so sorry for your loss, Leela.

Can I have their cake?

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

- Where'd you get the snazzy candles?

- Our machine made them!

- Oh, right, right.

GAMESTER 1: The next game is a simple one.

Fry must blow out all the candles

in a single breath.

- I can do that.

- But, there's a twist.

- I like a good twist. That's what keeps the audience watching.

- For each candle Fry doesn't blow out,

the corresponding player will die!

- W-Wait, what, what, what?

- Don't worry, guys. I'm actually, like, really good at this.

[deep inhale]

♪ mystical music playing ♪

[deep inhale continues]

- [scoffs] That's a lot of candles, old man.

You'll never do it.

[inhales, blows]

♪

[blowing]

♪ dramatic sting ♪

[grunting]

[panting] [kids cheer]

- Good going, brother!

[blowing]

- Come on, gas bag! Blow your face off!

- No fair! I got about 12 wicks!

- Uh... look!

He's still blowing somehow!

It's going out! [snip]

[fire roaring] [Zoidberg whooping]

[all gasp]

♪

My only regret is not getting any cake!

♪ Pop Goes the Weasel playing ♪

[cranking]

[creaking]

♪ mystical music playing ♪

- And the winner

of the Tri-State Musical Chairs Championship

is Philip J. Fry!

Yay!

♪ Pop Goes the Weasel continues ♪

- [groans] It's been six hours.

Can't you at least play something a little catchier?

- No. We have one song, and we really like it.

[creaking]

♪ song stops ♪

- Oh, breadcrumbs.

- Nobody panic! Two to a seat!

- You heard her! Start panicking! Ah!

[all yelling]

- Oh! Oh! [grunts]

[muttering]

[squishing]

- Ow! Mom!

♪ Squid Game -esque vocalizing ♪

- Ah! B'kaw!

[nervous murmuring]

[weasel snarling]

[roars]

[screaming]

[slurps]

[belches]

[growls]

[whimpering, shivering]

- Who likes piñatas?

♪ mystical music playing ♪

[groaning, yelps] [body thuds]

- Good try, Bartholomew.

- No, it wasn't.

[grunting]

- [scoffs] That's impossible.

It'd take all three Hulks to break that.

Incredible, She, and Hogan.

[grunting]

♪

- That's the first time I ever swung a bat and hit something!

♪ tense music playing ♪

[beep] [whirring]

GAMESTER 2: Since no one likes candy,

we have filled our piñata with quids!

- I like candy.

[groans]

- [wails] My husband is dead!

I can't go on!

- Okay. [beep]

[bones crunch] [grunts]

- That wasn't candy.

- I didn't realize you were still alive.

[twang]

- Less yakking, more whacking!

[sticks clacking] [all grunting]

PROFESSOR: Oh! Ow... [thuds]

- Guys, I'm good at this.

The secret is backswing... - Ouch!

- ...and follow-through.

[squishing]

Whoop. Sorry.

♪ triumphant music playing ♪

- I'm rich! Finally, I can give up limbo

and start a professional sex league.

[thud] [elephant trumpets]

[grunts] Ah, hey, mon!

- Oh no! My side piece!

[elephant trumpets]

♪

- And now for the penultimate game!

- And then it will be over? Th-This is the last game?

- Penultimate means next to last.

You lose the vocabulary game! [beep]

♪

[Kif grunts]

- Kiffy! No!

[sobbing]

- This fiendish game will be a treasure hunt

for these orbs of horsehide!

- Blernsballs? - No, baseballs.

My mom had balls signed

by her favorite members of the 1962 Mets.

She hid them all over the house, and we had to find them.

- There are seven of you,

but only four hidden baseballs!

That's all we had. And the machine can't make baseballs.

It's not magic, for God's sake.

- Let the hunt begin!

♪ mystical music playing ♪

- [gasps] I found a baseball in the moldy tangerines!

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

- One ball left, kids!

And it's the grand prize,

signed by Choo-Choo Coleman himself.

- It's as good as Gedgie's.

♪ mysterious music playing ♪

[cabinet creaks]

Don't bother. I already checked the fridge.

- Yeah, but things get lost in there.

Just last night, we had bicentennial meatloaf.

Red, white, and green. [jars rattle]

♪

A-ha!

- Way to go, Phil! - That's my boy!

- B-B-But, I searched every inch of that fridge.

Fry must be cheating!

- That would explain why he's winning everything.

- I am not a cheater! I'm not!

♪ melancholy music playing ♪

[cabinets creak] [Bender whirring]

♪ tense music playing ♪

- Come on, Fry. This was your house.

Please tell me where the baseballs are.

- You want me to cheat?

I can't do that, Leela.

I am not a cheater. I'm not.

- Ooh, lookie-see what I found in the crawlspace!

Signed by both Bob Millers.

- [gasps] There's only one left!

Please, Fry!

I know you don't wanna cheat, but it's me. Leela!

The woman you occasionally say you love.

- I always love you, Leela,

but there are two things I just can't do.

Almost anything, and cheat.

♪ melancholy music playing ♪

- You're right.

You're sticking to your principles. [sniffles]

I'm proud of you.

[wailing, sobbing]

- I've never cheated in my life. Never.

But I'll do it. This once.

- Well, he cheated. You win that bet.

- Time to celebrate with a new mask!

[Fry sniffles]

- Please remember me as a guy who never,

ever cheated. Until now.

- As the last orb has been found, the hunt is over.

Winners, step forward.

You're not the winners. Who said you were the winners?

- I forgot to mention the winners are the ones

who don't find the baseballs!

That's on me, guys. [beep]

[fizzling] [wailing, sobbing]

- Ooh. That was some impressive reverse cheating, Fry.

- For the last time, I'm not a cheater.

Just shut up, Gedgie. I-I mean, Bendy.

- [gasps] How dare you mangle my blessed name!

- Whoa, whoa! Save it for the finale.

A game which will be played... to the death!

♪ dramatic sting ♪

- They were all to the death!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

- The final game shall be a test

of raw physical prowess!

Prepare yourselves

for a brutal, no-holds-barred match of... [beep]

Pin the Tail on the Donkey!

- Aw, he's a cute little whatchacallit.

[roaring, snarling]

Donkey. [growls]

- The beast is clad in armor,

save for this tiny area on its rear.

- It is the donkey's Achilles butt.

All its vital organs are clustered there.

- Just like me! [clanging]

GAMESTER 1: Simply pin the tail on the butt

to slay the donkey and claim victory.

- I'm shivering with excitement

because this game involves...

masks! [beep]

♪ mystical music playing ♪

- Phil, Semitic kid, it's down to you two.

- Yes! - Go, Gedgie!

- Woo-hoo!

- Yes! Everything's coming up Gedgie.

Beat that, REO Cheatwagon.

♪ mysterious music playing ♪

- [whispers] How's this for cheating?

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[kids yelling]

[stab] - Oh, well. I guess you can't win 'em...

♪ dramatic sting ♪

...all? - Look at my boy!

You stabbed that donkey like a professional donkey stabber!

- I'm so proud of you.

We'll go get your presents, so you can open them.

- Aw! - This party sucks!

- Told you Fry was a cheater.

- Happy birthday, Fry.

I hope you had fun cheating 'cause nobody else did!

♪ melancholy music playing ♪

[door creaks, slams]

[crying]

- But I didn't cheat!

- I lost a best friend a long time ago 'cause he thought I was cheating,

and I'm not gonna let it happen again.

- I don't wanna lose you either, Fry.

- So I'm gonna prove I'm not cheating.

Gouge out my eyes! - Good idea!

- Fry's suggestion is beyond horrific.

Therefore, we shall do it! - But, to make the game fair,

we shall remove the eyes of all the players!

- Wait, hold on. What, what? - Fear not.

Our machine can remove eyes painlessly.

[click, squishing]

[Fry screaming]

Oops! Sorry. I stepped on your foot.

- It's okay. I'm fine. [click, whirring]

- Let the animal abuse begin!

[roaring, snarling]

- Alright, you monster whosit.

I'm gonna stick this doohickey where the dealy don't whatsit.

[snarls, gulps]

[roaring]

- I'm sorry I called you a cheater, buddy.

- [sniffles] Thanks, Bender.

What do you say we team up and go out fighting?

- I say, aw yeah, baby!

Friends to the end!

[both yelling]

[Bender yelps]

My vital ass organs!

You are a cheater!

[grunting, gagging]

♪

- Bender? Bender?!

- Congratulations, Philip J. Fry.

You are the winner!

- Return his eyes that he might gaze upon

the horror he has wrought!

And the confetti. [beep]

[party horns blowing]

♪ melancholy music playing ♪

[crying]

[Donkey gagging]

[Fry grunting]

[roars]

- Well, that's that. I gotta get to church.

- The games are now complete.

The winner is... her. Whoever she is.

We thank the players for their efforts. [beep]

[all gasping, murmuring]

- How the shmeck are we alive?

- The machine can easily bring people back to life.

Did I not mention that either?

- Farewell!

♪

- Well, that was the second worst birthday party I ever had.

All I ever wanted was for people to believe I'm not a cheater.

- We believe you, Fry.

- Yeah, seeing as how that old lady killed you so easy.

- He went down like a sack of shoes.

- I sure did. Thank you, everybody.

- Group hug. Come on! Group hug!

♪ mystical music playing ♪

♪ melancholy music playing ♪

[cabinet creaks]

- Eh, you really think a games party is a good idea?

I mean, Phil's not much of a competitor.

- Yeah, I know. He still can't work a zipper.

But, he's my son, and I love him,

and I wanna give him a birthday

that'll leave him feeling like a winner for once.

♪ Ur Mum by Wet Leg playing ♪

[blowing]

♪

[record scratch]

♪

♪

♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪

- ♪ I feel so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

♪ music fades ♪

♪ When I think about what you've become ♪

♪ I feel sorry for your mum ♪

♪ You say we're all having fun ♪

♪ Do you know you're the only one? ♪

♪ Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ song fades ♪

♪