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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Kevin Malone,
you're next. Spit that out.
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00:00:04,855 --> 00:00:07,517
Spit. Okay, come on. Let's go.
3
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You look cute today, Dwight.
4
00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:15,698
Thanks, girl.
5
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So, yesterday Dwight found
half a joint in the parking lot,
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00:00:21,839 --> 00:00:24,034
which is unfortunate,
because, as it turns out,
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Dwight finding drugs is more
dangerous than most people using drugs.
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00:00:28,212 --> 00:00:32,239
Let's go over some of these
symptoms of marijuana use, shall we?
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00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:35,118
You tell me
who this sounds like.
10
00:00:35,753 --> 00:00:39,382
Slow moving, inattentive,
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00:00:40,191 --> 00:00:41,453
dull,
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00:00:42,226 --> 00:00:44,194
constantly snacking,
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00:00:44,929 --> 00:00:47,762
shows a lack of motivation.
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00:00:50,835 --> 00:00:52,132
Hey.
15
00:00:52,203 --> 00:00:56,105
I like the people I work with,
generally, with four exceptions.
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00:00:56,740 --> 00:00:58,867
But someone committed a crime,
17
00:00:58,943 --> 00:01:00,035
and I did not become
18
00:01:00,111 --> 00:01:03,547
a Lackawanna County volunteer
sheriff's deputy to make friends.
19
00:01:04,014 --> 00:01:06,039
And by the way, I haven't.
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I enjoy the tangy zip
of Miracle Whip.
21
00:01:44,421 --> 00:01:46,514
Jim does the best impressions.
22
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Sometimes he'll look up at me from his
desk, and he'll just be someone else.
23
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,821
Like, he'll go...
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00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,731
That's supposed to be Phyllis.
25
00:02:00,804 --> 00:02:02,362
I can't do it as good as he can.
26
00:02:02,506 --> 00:02:04,997
And the guys are saying,
"Chug! Chug! Chug!"
27
00:02:05,075 --> 00:02:07,009
But I'm so small
and all I had eaten that day
28
00:02:07,077 --> 00:02:09,637
was one of those Auntie Em
pretzels from the food court.
29
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,772
So I said,
"Is it okay if I sip it?"
30
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And they said, "No." But
Ryan seemed cool either way...
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Stop!
32
00:02:15,853 --> 00:02:18,378
This is not
"Kelly Kapour's Story Hour."
33
00:02:18,789 --> 00:02:22,589
Illegal drugs were consumed
on company property, okay?
34
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:25,058
Your ass is on the line, mister!
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My ass is on the line!
Now, I'm gonna ask you again,
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00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:31,860
what time did you
go home last night?
37
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6:00.
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00:02:40,544 --> 00:02:43,172
I didn't know that you were
at a party on Saturday night.
39
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:45,238
I go to a lot of parties.
40
00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:48,049
Okay, I'm gonna need to search
your car. Give me your keys.
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00:02:48,118 --> 00:02:49,847
I am not giving you my keys.
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00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,512
Don't make me do this
the hard way.
43
00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:53,489
What's the hard way?
44
00:02:53,557 --> 00:02:57,516
I go down to the police station on my
lunch break. I tell a police officer,
45
00:02:57,595 --> 00:03:00,587
I know several, what I suspect
you may have in your car.
46
00:03:00,664 --> 00:03:03,497
He requests a hearing from a
judge and obtains a search warrant.
47
00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:06,297
Once he has said warrant,
he will drive over here
48
00:03:06,370 --> 00:03:08,895
and make you give him
the keys to your car
49
00:03:08,973 --> 00:03:11,203
and you will have to obey him.
50
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:12,935
Yeah, let's do it that way.
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00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:14,978
Dwight! Is he bugging you?
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00:03:15,045 --> 00:03:17,536
Dwight, dude, you gotta take
a chill pill, man.
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00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:20,015
It was one joint
in the parking lot.
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00:03:20,084 --> 00:03:23,850
You know, you're totally
harshing the office mellow.
55
00:03:23,921 --> 00:03:25,980
I can't stop this
investigation. It is my job.
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00:03:26,056 --> 00:03:27,250
Whoa, you are a volunteer.
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00:03:27,324 --> 00:03:29,758
I volunteered for this job.
And that's not the same.
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00:03:29,827 --> 00:03:31,124
It is my duty...
Volunteer duty.
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00:03:31,195 --> 00:03:33,095
...to investigate
the crime scene.
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00:03:33,163 --> 00:03:37,190
I have six more interviews to go,
and then I will reveal what I know.
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00:03:37,268 --> 00:03:38,394
Narc!
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00:03:39,903 --> 00:03:42,667
If you are attempting to compliment
me, then you have done a very good job.
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00:03:42,740 --> 00:03:44,037
I wasn't attempting
to compliment you.
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00:03:44,108 --> 00:03:45,632
Well, you have,
because being a narc
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00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:47,267
is one of the hardest jobs
that you can have.
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00:03:47,344 --> 00:03:48,538
Okay. And I am very proud of being...
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00:03:48,612 --> 00:03:49,704
Why don't you just cool it?
Cool it!
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00:03:49,780 --> 00:03:51,873
So...
Dwight, please! God!
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00:03:51,949 --> 00:03:55,146
Dude, where's my office?
I totally lost it
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00:03:55,786 --> 00:03:59,222
because I was half-baked,
smoking doobies!
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00:03:59,590 --> 00:04:03,219
Doobie Brothers. I was smoking
doobies with my brothers.
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00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:05,223
Peace out, Seacrest!
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00:04:07,364 --> 00:04:09,832
Well, your office is behind you. Thanks.
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00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:13,100
Munchies.
Who wants some munchies?
75
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:16,234
I don't think Michael's
ever done drugs.
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00:04:16,807 --> 00:04:19,469
I don't know if anyone's
ever offered him any.
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00:04:20,044 --> 00:04:22,308
Oscar visited Mexico,
when he was five,
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00:04:22,379 --> 00:04:24,438
to attend his
great-grandmother's funeral.
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00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:28,417
What does that mean to a United
States law enforcement officer?
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00:04:28,986 --> 00:04:30,681
He's a potential drug mule.
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00:04:31,121 --> 00:04:34,113
Have you ever taken any
illegal drugs? No, I have not.
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00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:37,649
Do you think it's possible that
maybe you could have had some drugs
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00:04:37,728 --> 00:04:40,629
in your system
without you knowing about it?
84
00:04:41,465 --> 00:04:43,023
What are you implying?
85
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,658
Have you ever
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00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:49,130
pooped a balloon?
87
00:04:51,809 --> 00:04:54,334
Okay, I'm done with this.
88
00:05:01,085 --> 00:05:02,916
He sure left in a hurry.
89
00:05:03,253 --> 00:05:04,515
I don't wanna blow this.
90
00:05:04,588 --> 00:05:07,386
This is what all good law
enforcement officers dream of,
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00:05:07,458 --> 00:05:10,086
the chance to solve
an actual crime.
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00:05:11,628 --> 00:05:13,596
Do you know what this is?
93
00:05:13,664 --> 00:05:15,359
Yes, it's marijuana.
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00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:17,227
How do you know that?
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00:05:17,301 --> 00:05:18,461
It's labeled.
96
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:21,629
Damn it.
97
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:26,808
That is Northern Lights,
Cannabis indica.
98
00:05:28,679 --> 00:05:29,703
No.
99
00:05:30,481 --> 00:05:31,743
It's marijuana.
100
00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:34,196
I'm just saying that you can't
be sure that it wasn't you.
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00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,344
That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.
102
00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:39,685
Marijuana is a memory loss drug,
so maybe you just don't remember.
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I would remember.
104
00:05:41,024 --> 00:05:42,787
Well, how could you
if it just erased your memory?
105
00:05:42,860 --> 00:05:43,952
That's not how it works.
106
00:05:44,027 --> 00:05:46,086
Now, how do you know
how it works?
107
00:05:46,163 --> 00:05:48,063
Knock it off, okay? I'm
interviewing you. No!
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00:05:48,132 --> 00:05:50,692
You said I'd be conducting the
interview when I walked in here.
109
00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:53,498
Now, exactly how much pot
did you smoke?
110
00:05:55,005 --> 00:05:58,668
So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley
impression. I'd love to hear it.
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00:06:00,177 --> 00:06:01,269
Good.
112
00:06:02,212 --> 00:06:06,672
"Why do you keep cc-ing me on things
that have nothing to do with me?"
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00:06:09,486 --> 00:06:10,612
Is that supposed to be me?
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00:06:10,687 --> 00:06:13,554
Oh, hey, Stanley. I was
just doing an impression.
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I do not think that is funny.
116
00:06:17,928 --> 00:06:20,226
He does everyone in the office.
117
00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:21,330
Hmm.
118
00:06:26,203 --> 00:06:28,763
"I do not think that is funny."
"I do not think that is funny."
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00:06:28,772 --> 00:06:30,296
Jinx. Buy me a Coke.
120
00:06:30,374 --> 00:06:32,137
No, no! No talking!
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00:06:35,679 --> 00:06:38,807
Jim is not allowed to talk
until after he buys me a Coke.
122
00:06:38,882 --> 00:06:42,682
Those are the rules of Jinx and
they are unflinchingly rigid.
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00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,658
"Sold out"?
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00:06:51,728 --> 00:06:54,788
That has never happened
in the history of Jinx.
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00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,630
Sorry, it's not my problem.
126
00:07:06,243 --> 00:07:07,608
I know you're innocent,
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00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:10,511
but it can't look like I'm
treating you any differently.
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00:07:10,581 --> 00:07:12,048
I understand.
129
00:07:13,116 --> 00:07:15,311
Where were you
yesterday after work?
130
00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:18,143
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
131
00:07:18,322 --> 00:07:22,850
Who's he calling? Ratting
somebody out! Narc! Narc!
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00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,491
Kevin.
That is so good, Michael.
133
00:07:25,562 --> 00:07:27,496
Remember the narc bit?
134
00:07:27,564 --> 00:07:29,498
Okay, I will let them know. Uh-oh.
135
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,627
Who's in trouble?
Attention, everyone!
136
00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:36,162
Drug testers are coming in a couple
of hours to test everyone's urine.
137
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,299
What?
138
00:07:38,475 --> 00:07:40,067
What are you talking about?
Company policy.
139
00:07:40,143 --> 00:07:41,735
If drugs are found
on the premises,
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00:07:41,812 --> 00:07:45,771
there is automatic drug testing
conducted within 24 hours.
141
00:07:45,949 --> 00:07:47,280
Is that true, Toby?
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00:07:47,351 --> 00:07:49,615
When you sign
your job application,
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00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:52,484
you agree to comply
with random drug testing.
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00:07:54,791 --> 00:07:56,986
Two nights ago, I went to
an Alicia Keys concert
145
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,755
at the Montage Mountain
Performing Arts Center.
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00:07:58,829 --> 00:08:00,694
I had scored these
great aisle seats.
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00:08:00,764 --> 00:08:04,359
Anyway, after the opening act, this
beautiful girl sits down next to me.
148
00:08:04,434 --> 00:08:08,029
And I never get to meet girls
with lip rings and she had one.
149
00:08:08,105 --> 00:08:09,970
I don't know exactly
how this happened,
150
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,134
but one of her friends started
passing around some stuff
151
00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:14,890
and they said that
it was clove cigarettes.
152
00:08:14,945 --> 00:08:17,175
And I'm sure that it was
clove cigarettes.
153
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,511
Everybody in the aisle
was doing it.
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00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:23,618
Okay, attention, everyone! The
drug testing has been cancelled.
155
00:08:23,854 --> 00:08:28,154
Instead, I will be going around to each
of you and doing a visual inspection.
156
00:08:28,225 --> 00:08:30,819
No, you can't do that. I
can do that. It is my office!
157
00:08:30,894 --> 00:08:32,122
No, you cannot.
158
00:08:32,195 --> 00:08:35,926
It has to be official
and it has to be urine.
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00:08:40,971 --> 00:08:42,302
All right.
160
00:08:42,873 --> 00:08:43,931
Okay.
161
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:53,397
Kevin, what prescription drugs
are you taking besides Rogaine?
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00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,902
I'm not taking Rogaine.
163
00:08:56,371 --> 00:08:57,668
Angela, what about you?
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00:08:57,739 --> 00:08:59,969
I don't take
any prescription drugs.
165
00:09:00,041 --> 00:09:02,532
You're not on anything?
166
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:06,838
Good.
167
00:09:10,151 --> 00:09:13,143
So, the first time we went out to
dinner, it was like, whatever, fine.
168
00:09:13,221 --> 00:09:17,180
But I was so nervous. So this
time, I wanted it to be special.
169
00:09:17,359 --> 00:09:18,758
So I bought a new dress!
170
00:09:18,827 --> 00:09:20,867
One of those kinds that's
kind of low-cut at the top
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00:09:20,895 --> 00:09:22,760
to show something.
But not everything.
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00:09:22,831 --> 00:09:24,924
I mean, not everything, Jim.
I promise...
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00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:27,160
Hey, guys. What's going on?
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00:09:27,535 --> 00:09:29,901
We're just having
the best conversation.
175
00:09:29,971 --> 00:09:33,634
Okay, well, Michael wants to see
everyone in the conference room.
176
00:09:33,708 --> 00:09:34,708
But you know what?
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00:09:34,776 --> 00:09:38,405
We have a few minutes, so you guys should
definitely finish up your conversation.
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00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:39,845
Thanks.
179
00:09:41,816 --> 00:09:44,478
So, I was looking so hot...
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00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,447
It has come to my attention
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00:09:47,856 --> 00:09:51,917
that some people here think
that the use of drugs
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00:09:52,627 --> 00:09:54,254
is something to laugh about.
183
00:09:54,329 --> 00:09:56,524
We don't feel that way.
No, not at all.
184
00:09:56,598 --> 00:09:58,930
You were the one joking
around, calling Dwight a narc.
185
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,331
No, no.
186
00:10:00,902 --> 00:10:03,370
That was a test.
I was testing you.
187
00:10:03,438 --> 00:10:07,033
And you all failed. Miserably.
188
00:10:07,442 --> 00:10:11,242
When I said that Dwight was a
narc, how many of you defended him?
189
00:10:11,312 --> 00:10:13,803
How many of you said, "Hey,
you know what? He's right.
190
00:10:13,882 --> 00:10:18,285
"What he's doing is protecting this
office from the evils of drugs."
191
00:10:18,353 --> 00:10:19,411
Thank you, Michael.
192
00:10:19,554 --> 00:10:21,249
I am ridiculously anti-drug.
193
00:10:21,322 --> 00:10:25,452
I am so anti-drug that I am
above suspicion in any way
194
00:10:25,527 --> 00:10:29,463
that involves suspicion
or testing of any kind.
195
00:10:29,764 --> 00:10:32,289
Drugs ruin lives, people.
196
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:35,495
Drugs destroy careers.
197
00:10:35,804 --> 00:10:39,501
Take Cheech and Chong. Everybody
knows that Cheech and Chong are funny.
198
00:10:39,574 --> 00:10:43,670
But just imagine how funny they
would be if they didn't smoke pot.
199
00:10:43,978 --> 00:10:47,038
I want everybody
to take a look to their left.
200
00:10:47,482 --> 00:10:50,781
Now, I want everybody
to take a look to their right.
201
00:10:51,152 --> 00:10:55,816
One of those people
will be dead from drug use
202
00:10:55,890 --> 00:10:58,085
at some point in their lives.
203
00:10:58,793 --> 00:11:01,853
This year more people
will use cocaine
204
00:11:01,930 --> 00:11:04,330
than will read a book
to their children.
205
00:11:04,399 --> 00:11:05,798
Where did you get these facts?
206
00:11:05,867 --> 00:11:08,028
Are these facts scaring you
or are they not?
207
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:09,330
They are not.
208
00:11:09,404 --> 00:11:12,669
Do you think
that smoking drugs is cool?
209
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:15,106
Do you think that
doing alcohol is cool?
210
00:11:15,176 --> 00:11:16,234
No, I don't.
211
00:11:16,311 --> 00:11:20,748
And I have a glass of red wine with dinner
about once a week, for the antioxidants.
212
00:11:20,815 --> 00:11:23,113
Yeah, I have the same...
Okay. Enough, enough, enough!
213
00:11:23,718 --> 00:11:28,451
I have written down
a list of illegal drugs.
214
00:11:29,224 --> 00:11:32,421
Take a gander. How many of
these are you familiar with?
215
00:11:32,494 --> 00:11:34,587
Hookah is not
an illegal drug, Michael.
216
00:11:34,662 --> 00:11:35,662
Yes, it is.
217
00:11:35,730 --> 00:11:38,392
No, it's not.
It's a type of pipe.
218
00:11:39,033 --> 00:11:42,093
You can fill it with tobacco, often
mixed with fruit or other flavors...
219
00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:44,195
Okay, you know what, Toby?
220
00:11:44,339 --> 00:11:45,636
Pam, could you take this down?
221
00:11:45,707 --> 00:11:50,144
In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I
would like to test his blood and his hair.
222
00:11:50,211 --> 00:11:51,235
You can't do that.
223
00:11:51,312 --> 00:11:55,442
I can test anyone randomly,
and I have chosen you randomly.
224
00:11:55,517 --> 00:11:56,882
That's not random.
Okay.
225
00:11:56,951 --> 00:11:59,681
Eenie, meenie, minie, moe,
is random.
226
00:12:00,622 --> 00:12:04,558
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need a
volunteer to select one of these words
227
00:12:04,626 --> 00:12:08,460
and tell us of something tragic
228
00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:12,489
that happened in either their
lives or the lives of a loved one.
229
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:14,765
Yeah, Pam.
230
00:12:15,303 --> 00:12:17,703
I know that Jim
has an amazing story
231
00:12:17,772 --> 00:12:21,469
about a relative of his who got
caught up in the world of drugs.
232
00:12:21,543 --> 00:12:22,737
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
233
00:12:23,545 --> 00:12:25,479
Jim, it's okay. You can...
234
00:12:27,348 --> 00:12:29,748
This would be a good place
to let it out, Jim.
235
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:33,082
These are people you can trust.
These are people who care about you.
236
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:34,552
It's okay. Just...
237
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,814
We will not judge you.
We are here to not judge you.
238
00:12:37,892 --> 00:12:39,792
Oh, he's doing it. Okay.
239
00:12:45,366 --> 00:12:46,697
It's okay.
240
00:13:01,616 --> 00:13:05,052
Okay, are you sure? That looked
like it was gonna be good.
241
00:13:06,187 --> 00:13:08,417
All right. Okay, well...
242
00:13:08,923 --> 00:13:10,015
Wow!
243
00:13:10,124 --> 00:13:12,558
He really pulled out
the big guns.
244
00:13:12,827 --> 00:13:16,263
Fake crying.
I did not expect that.
245
00:13:18,132 --> 00:13:22,330
The point I'm trying to make
with all of this, people,
246
00:13:22,403 --> 00:13:26,237
is that I hate drugs.
I hate them!
247
00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:29,138
And based upon what I have seen,
248
00:13:29,210 --> 00:13:32,077
you all don't quite hate them
as much as I do.
249
00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:36,139
So, you are going to have
a drug test and I am not.
250
00:13:36,517 --> 00:13:38,815
No, you will be tested.
Yes, I will... Will not be.
251
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:42,219
No, you will be. That is the
law according to the rules.
252
00:13:42,290 --> 00:13:46,021
Okay, well, Dwight, just know
that I've been very busy today
253
00:13:46,494 --> 00:13:49,895
and I've got a lot of work to do and I
wasn't planning on going to the bathroom
254
00:13:49,964 --> 00:13:52,762
and I don't even know if
anything's gonna come out. Okay?
255
00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:54,495
So, good. Thank you.
256
00:13:57,005 --> 00:14:00,441
Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute,
Assistant Regional Manager.
257
00:14:01,075 --> 00:14:03,339
You might remember testing
my urine a few years back
258
00:14:03,411 --> 00:14:05,902
when I was applying to be
a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
259
00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:07,743
We test a lot of urine.
260
00:14:07,815 --> 00:14:09,407
Mine was green.
261
00:14:10,652 --> 00:14:12,176
Oh, right.
262
00:14:12,954 --> 00:14:14,819
How are you?
I'm all better.
263
00:14:14,889 --> 00:14:17,289
So, I need you to do some work
on the Saint Andrews account.
264
00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:21,124
I need your urine, I need some
filing done. What kind of filing?
265
00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,663
Just forget it.
Just the urine.
266
00:14:23,865 --> 00:14:27,266
That goes directly
to the tester. Just...
267
00:14:33,908 --> 00:14:35,569
I need your urine.
268
00:14:38,546 --> 00:14:40,605
Like in a cup?
Yes, in a cup.
269
00:14:40,682 --> 00:14:41,979
We're not animals, Dwight.
270
00:14:42,050 --> 00:14:43,574
For what purpose?
271
00:14:43,718 --> 00:14:45,358
It's none of your business.
Then I refuse.
272
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:47,388
Okay, all right, just...
273
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:51,789
I went to an Alicia Keys
concert over the weekend.
274
00:14:53,628 --> 00:14:57,496
And I think I may have
gotten high accidentally
275
00:14:57,699 --> 00:15:00,133
by a girl with a lip ring.
276
00:15:00,568 --> 00:15:02,229
Are you serious?
277
00:15:05,673 --> 00:15:09,302
I need clean urine for the lady.
278
00:15:13,948 --> 00:15:15,245
But that's illegal.
279
00:15:15,316 --> 00:15:16,578
Don't think of it that way.
280
00:15:16,651 --> 00:15:20,087
It's like urine
goes all over the place.
281
00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:22,549
You know, there's no
controlling it. It just...
282
00:15:22,623 --> 00:15:23,647
Not my urine.
283
00:15:23,725 --> 00:15:27,491
A cup could find its way under
the urine. It might be an accident.
284
00:15:27,562 --> 00:15:28,586
We have...
285
00:15:28,663 --> 00:15:30,062
Were you forced to do drugs
at this concert?
286
00:15:30,131 --> 00:15:31,359
No, just...
Is something wrong?
287
00:15:31,432 --> 00:15:32,626
Look, just...
288
00:15:35,236 --> 00:15:37,033
Just fill up the cup.
289
00:15:42,010 --> 00:15:44,706
Do you want
to give Michael your urine?
290
00:15:46,115 --> 00:15:48,948
I want him to have
all the urine he needs.
291
00:15:49,952 --> 00:15:51,783
You're not gonna get
my permission on this.
292
00:15:51,854 --> 00:15:54,379
I know that.
Don't you think I know that?
293
00:15:57,026 --> 00:16:00,427
Yeah, we do testing all
over the country. Cool.
294
00:16:01,330 --> 00:16:03,230
Hey, are you guys hiring?
295
00:16:03,299 --> 00:16:05,733
You want to work
at the urinalysis lab?
296
00:16:07,369 --> 00:16:08,893
Yeah. Maybe.
297
00:16:15,511 --> 00:16:18,139
My father's name
was Dwight Schrute.
298
00:16:18,414 --> 00:16:22,214
My grandfather's name
was Dwight Schrute.
299
00:16:23,352 --> 00:16:25,115
His father's name?
300
00:16:25,621 --> 00:16:28,249
Dwide Schrude.
301
00:16:29,024 --> 00:16:30,218
Amish.
302
00:16:36,098 --> 00:16:38,430
I loved my father very much.
303
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,559
Every morning
he'd wake up at dawn
304
00:16:40,636 --> 00:16:42,729
and make us biscuits with gravy.
305
00:16:43,205 --> 00:16:46,231
When I was little, my dad and I
played a lot of games together.
306
00:16:46,308 --> 00:16:49,539
My dad cheated a lot,
but I never busted him on it.
307
00:16:49,612 --> 00:16:51,944
I would have,
except I didn't know about it.
308
00:16:52,014 --> 00:16:56,314
He didn't tell me till years later.
And I was shocked when I found out.
309
00:16:58,153 --> 00:16:59,245
What?
310
00:17:00,356 --> 00:17:04,087
Did you wanna tell me something? You
look like you want to tell me something.
311
00:17:04,159 --> 00:17:06,059
You look like you have
something really important to say
312
00:17:06,128 --> 00:17:08,426
and you just can't
for some reason.
313
00:17:10,966 --> 00:17:12,866
Come on, you can tell me.
314
00:17:13,402 --> 00:17:15,666
Jim, you can tell me anything.
315
00:17:52,574 --> 00:17:54,235
I'd like a magazine.
316
00:17:54,309 --> 00:17:55,936
We just need urine, sir.
317
00:17:56,011 --> 00:17:57,410
I'd still like one.
318
00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:01,313
Dwight, well,
319
00:18:02,351 --> 00:18:06,117
I passed the test, thanks to
you and your untainted pee.
320
00:18:06,188 --> 00:18:08,748
Thank you very much.
That's great.
321
00:18:08,824 --> 00:18:11,258
What's wrong?
Where's your costume?
322
00:18:11,326 --> 00:18:13,021
It's a uniform.
323
00:18:13,328 --> 00:18:16,024
And I turned it in today when
I tendered my resignation.
324
00:18:16,098 --> 00:18:17,122
Why? What...
325
00:18:17,199 --> 00:18:20,066
I took an oath
when I was sworn in.
326
00:18:21,570 --> 00:18:23,435
And I broke that oath today.
327
00:18:41,223 --> 00:18:42,315
Here.
328
00:18:43,692 --> 00:18:45,455
Just buy it from me.
329
00:18:46,628 --> 00:18:49,096
I haven't talked to you
in hours and it's been weird.
330
00:18:49,164 --> 00:18:52,099
And I really wanna know what
the hell's going on with Dwight.
331
00:19:06,081 --> 00:19:07,639
Hi.
Hey.
332
00:19:07,716 --> 00:19:09,149
How much time do you have left
on your break?
333
00:19:09,218 --> 00:19:10,344
Ten minutes.
334
00:19:13,622 --> 00:19:17,319
Since you did such a good job
with the investigation,
335
00:19:17,659 --> 00:19:21,186
I decided to pull a few
strings, call in a few favors,
336
00:19:21,630 --> 00:19:25,760
and I've decided to make you official
security supervisor of the branch.
337
00:19:27,603 --> 00:19:28,831
Really?
Yes, sir.
338
00:19:28,904 --> 00:19:33,341
That's fantastic. Because I've always
felt that the security here sucked.
339
00:19:33,776 --> 00:19:35,403
So, you wanna...
340
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:42,649
"Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare
you an honorary volunteer corporal
341
00:19:42,718 --> 00:19:45,687
"in charge of assisting
all activities' security."
342
00:19:47,556 --> 00:19:49,547
Okay.
Here's your badge.
343
00:19:50,659 --> 00:19:52,217
Thank you, Michael.
344
00:19:52,761 --> 00:19:56,253
Very nice, great.
Can I have a gun?
345
00:19:56,765 --> 00:19:58,164
No. I don't have a gun.
346
00:19:58,233 --> 00:19:59,461
Okay.
347
00:19:59,902 --> 00:20:02,370
I'll have to bring in
my bo staff.
348
00:20:02,838 --> 00:20:04,965
I don't think so.
Don't...
349
00:20:05,808 --> 00:20:07,503
Good.
Thank you, Michael.
350
00:20:07,776 --> 00:20:09,038
No...
351
00:20:11,914 --> 00:20:13,973
I need to go over some
details with you. All right.
352
00:20:14,049 --> 00:20:15,710
First of all...
Well, thank you.
353
00:20:15,784 --> 00:20:16,978
Hank.
Okay.
354
00:20:17,219 --> 00:20:19,949
How many orange traffic cones
do you have?
355
00:20:20,222 --> 00:20:22,884
Two.
Oh, God.
356
00:20:23,258 --> 00:20:26,250
Wow. What a terrible day
to not be able to talk.
357
00:20:26,662 --> 00:20:28,755
Dwight was literally
carrying around his own urine
358
00:20:28,831 --> 00:20:30,662
and dressed like
one of The Village People.
359
00:20:30,732 --> 00:20:34,168
Why does he do the things that he
does for Michael? I just don't get it.
360
00:20:34,336 --> 00:20:37,305
What is he getting
out of that relationship?
28075
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