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Gentlemen, can we all gather around here, please?Okay, when we walk in we're absolutely quiet.

No talking, no joking, whatever.

We're going in to a maximum security prison

and you're being watched right now.

♪♪

[Charles]I heard about the program through a friend

and I think that this is a pathnthat I need to take.

To better find out, you know,

who I am as a person, you know what I'm saying,

as far as growing up in the streets

and possibly being one of these inmates.

[Chris] My desire to do this is to get shaken out

of whatever it is that's keeping me, like, stuck.

[gate buzzes open]

When I thought about the opportunity, it seemed just crazy enough

to, like, wake me up a little bit.

[man] Okay, gentlemen.

You're doing great.

[Chris] But I haven't yet decided how I feel about a hardened criminal who killed somebody

and is working through how to deal with that.

I don't know how to feel about them.

I've never really encountered any...

I've never met a person who killed another person.

[Brian] I mean, it'll be scary.

But that's kinda, I don't know,nwhat keeps me, sort of,Ninterested in it.

Like the sensation of me being in danger.

It has, like, a draw to it, because it's not, you know,

like the humdrum, you know, getinto your car, drive to work...

You know, go home, drive to the gym,

come back, eat dinner, watch TV...

[guard] Come off the yard.

Clear the track.

[James] Can we all stand for a minute?

If you will, um,

please close your eyes.

And I'd like for all of us to go inside to go outside.

I will call a chant,

"simbawe",

the way the lion walks, the way the lion is,

the way the lion be.

So that we can be that way also.

And after I say that word

you will answer, "shoo".

Let me hear that sound one time.

[all] Shoo.

And let it come from the navel.

[James] Simbawe.

[all] Shoo.

[James] Come on, now, I can't hear you. I can't feel you.

Simbawe.

[all] Shoo.

[James] Simbawe.

[all] Shoo.

[James] Simbawe.

[all] Shoo.

[James] Simbawe.

[all] Shoo.

[James] Simbawe.

[all] Shoo.

[James] Simbawe.

[all] Shoo.

-Simbawe. -[all] Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

-Simbawe. -Shoo.

Now, just breathe in to that.

Sounded a little bit like a train for a minute.

The train has pulled in to the station

and you need to get on.

Ashaya.

Here we are, we finally all made it into this circle.

Look around.

I had no idea what it's gonna look like.

I would be lying if I said I did.

All I know, is that there are a bunch of really intense,

dedicated, committed men sitting in this circle

who are willing to go anywhere with you.

However, you need to go

in whatever way that looks like.

I just wanna throw this out.

Over the years I keep hearing these distinctions

about guys from the street and guys from prison.

I say fuck all that. We're guys.

And we're in here struggling the best way we know how.

Our guys in prison,

we're gonna come in here we're gonna be authentic.

We're not gonna be who we are out there on the yard.

I ask that of you guys, too.

You know who you are out there on the streets.

Be more than that.

Not just us, not just the guys who have to wear fuckin' blue.

But all of us, let's be...

For four days, let's be what we could be.

Let's... Let's be that.

Amen.

[chattering]

All right, so, here's what I want you to listen up to

is in a moment, you're gonna go across this space

and pick one of these guys.

Look carefully and choose carefully.

'Cause this is an important choice.

You're gonna be with this man that you choose

for these next four days.

Don't cheat yourself, don't just wait for it to happen in any old way.

Get who you want.

Move to where you need to move.

So, here we go.

One.

Two.

Three. Go.

Okay, come back to where you were.

Put him behind you.

In silence, let's do it in silence.

Hey, James, are we supposed to take him with us?

Get him. Get him. Get him.

Get him. Go. Go.

Get him. Go.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay. So...

Take the men who are behind you,

grab some chairs, sit down together

and tell each other who you are.

Start there.

Just start right there.

Tell each other who you are, introduce yourselves.My name is Charles Tate.

Born and raised--

-Do you go by Charles? -Yes. Born and raised in LA all my life.

South Central, pretty much all over the place in LA.

One of the reasons why I agreed to come here was because

my biological father was in prison while I was born, so,

that's probably why one of my biggest, biggest fears is being locked up.

You know what I'm saying. Aside from dying, you know what I mean.

So tell me what, uh, what do you...

What are you looking for here?

Why did you come, and... and... What you really... What's your goal?

I thought... I thought I was gonna be a new, uh...

Like, figure out... Like, maybe it would bring me some clarity.

And I thought coming in here and talking with you guys, I'd get

some sense of why

I've gone through my life with a lot of opportunities

and I've never really taken a lot of them.

And I'm now 25 years old and...

I am no closer to figuring out what I wanna do with my life

than I was when I was, like, 15 or 16.

And when you guys walk out of the yard,

like what time, you know, you guys have been here for a while.

Say, when you look like a... you look like a little kid, I mean, really.

-Um... -You look young, too. All you gotta do is shave it off.

Yeah. I know, I look younger, um...

I'm assuming that there's guys that don't like to come out there, but maybe I'm wrong.

I mean, what goes on?

Exercise, uh...

Law library.

Sports.

Being able to see other people in their act and mingling.

But what's with your interest in how the situation is in prison?

I'm just trying to grasp, like...

What life you're going back to when you walk out the room, I guess.

Can I ask both you guys a question?

Yeah, that's cool.

Number one, what got you here and how long have you been here?

What got me here was one count of murder, three counts of robbery.

I've been here 22 years.

And I'm from San Diego, California.

South East, West Coast Crip.

I'm no longer affiliated.

I got, like, 75 years.

Yeah, I got a lot of time.

[Vegas] As far as these circles are concerned, I've been in these circles four years.

I've been locked up 19 years.

I'm in my 19th year now.

I'm doin' seven to life.

Kidnapping for purposes of robbery.

I started stealing.

And that was... There's some sense of excitement, you know, in that

and I was getting away with things.

You know, and then eventually,

I didn't get away with it.

You know, and I was 18

and I've been in here ever since, I'm 39 now.

So...

I almost chopped a guy in half.

And...

They found me guilty...

They found me guilty for, uh, attempted murder.

I... I paralyzed the guy for life.

I literally sat on his chest with a knife, like, that big

and cut a line, a jagged line, across the stomach.

Trying to cut this dude in half.

Part of me believes that that's just what the fuck life is

and there's nothing I can do,

think, be taught, to change it.

Um...

To change what, exactly?

Life or the bullshit?

My life and my place in life.

Because where you're at right now...

Like, physically right here?

No, no, no. In your life and your place in it.

Where you're at right now.

I'm discontent.

Would you be willing to go into these four days

open

to finding a new way to look at it.

Not to fix it, not to make 'em go away,

but to be able to look at 'em

-from a different perspective. -From another perspective.

Yeah, I'm willing to do that.

'Cause this shit done worse.

You know, it doesn't. It just fucking doesn't

Okay.

You need anything during this break?

Can I have some water or some shit, I don't know.

Get some water.

Do you guys want anything?

I'm good.

-You all right? -I'm good, thank you.

We got one.

A real live wire.

Dude.

[both laughing]

We do, that's why I'm laughing at

'cause I see myself as a man.

This man don't even know...

-It's just like looking in a mirror. -Exactly.

-It's just like looking in a mirror. -Exactly.

[chattering]

Let's do a check in, any man can start.

And we'll go around checkin' in.

What I want out of this weekend

I want to be able to get out of my way.

I wanna stop being my own worst enemy

and be able to connect with anybody I cross paths with.

I want us to be able to stand together and be kissed by God together.

That's what I want.

I'm in.

I'm Dark Cloud. These four days...

I wanna... I wanna... I wanna be vulnerable.

I wanna be vulnerable

and I don't wanna be scared to be vulnerable.

'Cause every time I... Every time I've made myself vulnerable I've been hurt

and I'm in with that.

I'm Kiks, I'm checkin' in

wanting to touch

certain parts of my, uh, my life.

I want to touch on the fears that I have.

My fear of loss of my family.

Of not knowing how they're doing.

Or what they're going through.

I wanna get into it. That's why I'm just... Get into this.

Well, let's stand up.

And if we could just push the chair just a little bit

without too much going...

I need each man in this group

to help me get to a place that, uh, I've been denying myself.

I haven't grieved

for my sister in a long time and I don't know how.

I'm tired of holding this in.

I'm tired of having that fear of

or that concern about when I get there

that I gotta pull back.

I wanna be open to it. I just wanna let the floodgates open.

But right now, as you g... brothers can tell

-I got fear. -Yeah.

What's the fear about?

That I'll lose something that I've had for so long.

That I'll lose that protective shield, that...

That armor that I wore, that vest...

Could you describe that piece of armor to me?

That one that keeps you, you know, keeps you from having to do that.

The armor looks like this.

It's not okay to cry.

It's not okay to mourn.

It's not okay to show that

you have tears, it's not okay.

I wanna feel what it feels like to... to mourn.

I wanna feel that.

I don't wanna bottle up that little kid.

That little kid that used to cry when his daddy used to whoop his ass.

Excuse my language.

I don't want to deny him

what he's always wanted.

I don't wanna take away what my dad took away from me.

Stay ready.

I don't wanna feel that pain no more, Veg.

I don't wanna... I don't wanna feel like...

I can't feel anymore.

I wanna be able to cry because my sister died.

I wanna be able to feel because I can't hug my mom.

That's what I want to feel, Veg.

And I don't wanna feel like no damn puppy.

I don't wanna feel like no sucker out here that just

don't got no emotions. I wanna feel like me.

I don't wanna be afraid of that.

I don't wanna have to pull back.

-You trust me? -I trust you.

Well, let's step into that fear.

Open up.

Open up to that feeling.

Trust me.

Take me there with you. I'll go there with you.

I won't let anything happen. I got you.

Veg, you know I'm fighting this.

I know.

Stick with it. I'm right here.

I'm not goin' anywhere. I'm not sailin'.

Feel it. Open up.

Let your hands go. Open up.

Don't put that armor back up.

Don't put that shield back up.

She's gone.

And what do you feel about that?

I'm sad.

Feel that sadness.

Don't stuff it. Don't run from it.

The feeling.

May I... May I touch your jaw?

Just relax your mouth. May I touch it?

-Trust me. -May I touch your jaw?

Okay. Relax your mouth. Open it up a little bit.

Open it up a little bit.

Just relax and let it go.

And just breathe.

Breathe through here.

Breathe in.

-And yeah... -Don't fight it.

Keep breathin'. Just breathe.

It's been a long time since your body let you breathe.

Breathe.

Yeah.

Relax your jaw. Relax it.

Let it go. Let it go.

Let it open. Let it open.

Breathe.

Yeah. Yeah. Breathe.

There it is. You saw. There it is.

-We all got your back. -Breathe.

Touch your stomach and breathe.

-We all got your back, Kiks. -Breathe. Bring it up.

Bring it up.

[crying]

Let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go.

[Kiki bawls]

Let it go.

Don't say that. Don't say that.

[Kiki sobbing]

Lie down.

It's been in there too long. Don't hold it.

[Kiki screaming] Oh, God damn it.

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

-I'm right here. -Let it out.

I'm right here with you, bruh.

I'm not goin' anywhere. I'm not goin' anywhere.

Kiks, I'm right here, brother.

Stay with it.

Stay with it.

[man] Go ahead. Let him let it out.

[Kiki] God damn it.

God damn it.

-Damn you. -[James] That's right.

[Kiki] What the hell did you...

God damn it.

[Vegas] Yeah, it hurts. I know it hurts. Let it out. -Breathe. -Breathe. Breathe.

Go ahead, bro. Go ahead. Go ahead.

I'm still here. I'm still here.

This is me. I'm still here.

Where you at right now? Talk to me, where you at?

[Kiki groaning]

Talk to me.

Kiks, I'm right here. I'm right here, Kiks. Talk to me.

-We ain't over yet. -Stay with it.

Talk to me.

Stay with that. Stay with that.

Don't hide it. Don't hide it.

Come on.

Take it in.

-It's already done. -It's already done.

You're just a man. All right. Come here.

It's fucked up. I feel him.

Yeah. It's not fucked up.

You know what I'm sayin'.

Charles, it's fucked up if you don't.

Just feel it.

Just feel it.

-I didn't expect this shit. -No.

Now you wouldn't have came if you did.

Just let it be here.

[exhales]

[Vegas] I'm right here.

-I'm right here. -Let's get some water.

Where you at? Talk to me.

I'm tired.

You're tired, yeah.

You're tired? Okay.

[chuckling]

No punches. No punches.

All right, man.

I know I don't know you like that, man, but...

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

That meant a lot, real, like you...

-Keep it up. Keep it up. -You got me goin'.

For real.

It took a lot of fucking balls to do what you just did.

You know what I'm saying?

I can tell you're a very, very proud motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?

That was some... That was some real, real shit, man, for real.

That fucked me up. Thank you.

When any man can start, let's check in to check out

for the evening.

I'm checking in and checking out.

Yeah, that was overwhelming.

But it was needed and that was necessary.

And I'm very, very, very grateful from my heart.

I'm out with that.

Check.

I got big love for you, Kiks, big love.

There's no words. I ain't even gonna try to belittle it with words.

I'm out.

I mean, I've been... It's an impossible time not judging

what the fuck's goin' on.

I'm placing all sorts of fucking values on the work that I saw.

The help of the work...

And...

I don't like being in that place, because...

I'm just kind of struggling.

I don't like judging all this shit, but that's what I fucking do.

You did a good job. You did an all right job.

You know. You ran a quarter mile.

You still got three more to fucking go.

That's it.

-I'm out. -Thank you.

For sure.

I like my two guys a lot.

I think they are... I think they want...

They want me to crack.

They keep, like, waiting for me to, like...

to do something, so...

I don't know.

Like, I realize that we live in a society where we shy away from, you know...

-Showing emotion. -...showing emotion and expressing ourselves

through tears, but, I mean...

I don't... I don't think that's a necessity either

in a situation like this that you have to start crying.

I think in the case of Kiki, he did.

-That's what he was there for. -Right.

He said, "I need to mourn for my sister,"

and they got him there and that was what he... exactly what he needed.

But I didn't come here looking to cry

and I don't wanna feel like I'm letting them down if I don't.

[man] Might you find a chair and let's go into silence.

Please sit down. Find a chair.

And let's go into silence, gentlemen.

This whole process of going down into the wound

is not an end in itself.

We're looking for something and we're bringing something back

out of that descent.

So, listen for it,

in this poem, it comes right in the last line.

"Those who will not slip beneath the still surface

on the well of grief

drifting downward through the black water

to the place we cannot breathe

can never know the source from which we drink

the secret water, cold and clear..."

Now listen.

"Nor find in the darkness glimmering

the small round coins

thrown away

by those who wished for something else."

Hey, can we,

kind of, try something here, to where we just

Just go around and name our betrayals, where we've been betrayed.

And just so you know, I have no agenda.

I have no process.

And I... I know you're gonna judge me.

I want you to know that.

'Cause I'm judging you judging me.

[exhales]

My earliest memory is when I'm, like, three years old.

And I'm standing there in a fucking diaper.

And my real dad just got home from the navy

and I don't know who the fuck he is.

And he's got this fucking battery operated robot

that's flashing and making all kinds of weird ass fucking noises

and he wants me to come get it.

I don't want that motherfucking thing.

I don't know who the dude is.

And I want nothing to do with him.

He tells me, "Ricky, come get this."

And I'm scared.

So, he walks over and he slaps the shit out of me

and he goes back, sits on the steps,

tells me, "Come get this."

And we played that out for I don't know how long.

In my mind it is hours.

And my whole life is followed with events just like that one.

And I don't know who my real dad is either.

I know when I started fucking up enough when I was 15

they sent me to live with some dude who said that was my dad.

And he's a piece of shit.

He's a fuckin' drunk,

he's a liar,

he's got a 14-year-old girlfriend

and I had 15 years worth of rage I wanted to give to him.

And I hurt that motherfucker everywhere I knew how to hurt him,

and I heard the same story,

"You're fucking crazy.

You're crazy.

Lock him up."

Peoples betrayed me my whole life.

The bike gang I was a member of.

Once I got locked up and I was no use to them no more, they were done.

The people I was willing to kill and die for, they were done.

I don't know what love really looks like.

I'm just now fuckin' learn...

Forty seven years old and I'm just now learning.

I don't wanna fuckin' be violent.

And that's what I know how to do.

Amen.

Growing up all my homeboys and everybody had their father

to do shit with.

You know, what I mean... I had a man that helped raise me, but

it wasn't my father.

You know what I'm saying, you know, and...

He was imprisoned in Louisiana when I was born.

And I read a couple of letters that he wrote to my mother.

He never referred to me as "my son",

you know, it was, like, "How's the baby?"

Why I didn't know.

I was fucked up, man.

I mean, how can you not wanna see your child?

You know what I'm saying? I'm a good motherfucker.

At least I think so, you know.

That shit hurts, man, 'cause I don't know my...

Never knew my... my place in this world, you know what I'm saying, you know...

Nobody to teach me how to be a man.

I had to do that shit on my own.

You know?

I don't mean... I don't know the story.

I don't even know if he even walked out of prison.

You know what I mean, but I just felt that, you know...

If he did,

you know, he knew where I was...

You know what I'm saying, I felt that he should have fucking tried to find me.

You know, I'll be 41 years old next year...

Well, next month, and...

I've always felt that empty spot in my life, man.

Like I was always missing something, like a part of me.

You know, and...

That's some... That's some hurtful ass shit, man.

That's some hurtful ass shit.

But...

-No buts. -No buts.

And.

-"But" takes away everything that came before, so... -Right.

Every day, and...

I just try to be what he wasn't to my...

I try to be to my kids what he was not for me.

Well, explain that.

How are you able to fill that space?

Number one, being there.

Constantly letting them know

how much I love them, not just through material things, but

actually saying the words, giving them hugs and kisses, you know.

Encouragement.

Do you think they feel any of that sadness

that you're pouring not in an attempt to feed them love?

Yes.

So, what's... What...

There's some sadness that's right there on the verge right now.

Why won't you let it out?

I thought I did.

It's right there.

And then you start biting your lip.

Almost... Almost as if to hold it in.

Keep it from coming out.

What do you think will happen if that comes out, man.If that... If that overwhelming sadness starts to come out of you

what do you think will happen?

-I couldn't tell you. -Right.

But what do you think will happen?

I know you could, you don't know but what do you think will happen?

If this is... If this is the limit of where you can get to right now,

this is where you can get to.

We're not measuring shit.

Well, so, if you're complete and, you know,

and you're good with where you're at right now,

then let's move around, keep going around the circle.

This ain't easy, you know, and for a first timer it's really not easy.

So...

So...

I mean, there's so many motherfucking betrayals,

I've visited my betrayals over and over and over again and...

I think the one that...

that I absolutely feel like it was a betrayal,

it happened when I was about 16 or 17

and this older brother

kinda took me under his wing.

He treated me like his little brother, he...

He taught me how to drink, he taught me how to

smoke weed, he taught me how to do all that shit and he...

And I trusted him and I started opening my heart to him.

And...

It was my first sexual experience with this woman and I told him about it.

And this motherfucker...

We were working together and I go to work the next day and this motherfucker,

he told everybody

about the shit that I had told him that I thought was...

was sacred, safe.

And then when I brought it to the motherfucker, what he tells me is,

"Oh, you pussy, motherfucker.

You just finally got some pussy, so what you tripping about?"

And that shit hurt me.

And from that point forward

I've made a conscious decision that nobody

would ever get me in that position again.

Where I feel like that nobody ever...

And what I decided to do was that

not only was I not gonna feel hurt about that,

I wasn't gonna feel hurt about any fucking thing.

So, the next thing was getting high.

The next thing at that was heroin.

I was a heroin addict for 22 years

because I didn't want to fucking feel.

Can I say something?

When you're talking about how this guy

aired your laundry

and... think the word you're looking for was sacred, 'cause Lani said it...

And that you weren't gonna show anybody whatever you connect to this

sacred thing inside you, or whatever feelings.

But what I notice about you, and again I don't know if this accurate or not,

is that you wear this sacred stuff

so everybody could see it.

But what you told, me at least, what I heard a second ago was

that that's not what you're showing people, so that's

something that keeps me, kind of, distant from you.

Which may be my own head fucking trip.

Is it?

Yeah, I wanna know that. Is that your head trip?

Which part?

All what you just said.

The capacity to judge me, motherfucker, that.

To judge me when I'm telling you

I'm putting my motherfuckin' heart out there, is that your motherfuckin' head trip?

Is that what you do? Sit there and judge me?

That's what I just did.

-Right. -Is it what you do, Brian?

Is that what you do in your life?

Because that... That shit you just said wasn't un-fucking-necessary.

Was it untrue?

Yeah, it's untrue, bitch.

Let's do this.

-Hold on. Hold on. -Did I call you a bitch? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

-Hold on. Hold on. -Did I?

Hold on.

Let's put this where it belongs.

Not where it can go.

Okay?

And right now, where it belongs... Look at me, Brian.

Look at me, Brian.

-Look at me. -What's going on.

What's going on, Brian?

[screaming]

[crying]

It's just like the fucking devil.

It's in there

and as long as you keep biting this down it's not goin' anywhere.

Don't bite it back down.

Don't bite it back down, you're right there.

You're right there. Look back over the edge.

Let's go back over the edge.

Let's go back over the edge.

Now is the chance to see what you got in there.

Now is the chance to measure yourself to see where you're at.

To see where you stack up against your own standards.

We already know you can bite it down, can you let it out?

Can you let it loose?

I just wanna fucking kill people when I feel disrespected.

I just wanna fuckin' kill 'em.

Yeah.

My fuckin' brain starts to short circuit.

[exhales]

I hear you. I hear you, Brian.

You know what... You know what came out of me, Brian,

to have that come out of me?

Anger and betrayal.

Because what I... What I was talking about just then

was how I put my feelings out there.

And they get it turned into something else.

And that's... For me what I experienced just then was just that.

Betrayal.

[crying]

It doesn't matter what I do here,

I'm not gonna get the respect that I want.

Or that I think I deserve or some bullshit like that.

I'm just not gonna fucking get it.

I'm just not.

-So what do we do with you? -What do you want to have happened here?

What will you get to a place where you think that there's a possibility

rather than you being so secure in knowing

no matter what I do it's not gonna work,

it's gonna be the same?

I just don't know what to do with it.

I hear you and that's good.

So, are you open to a suggestion of what it could look like?

Are you willing to trust without thinking and then drawing away?

Yeah, I instantly want to go to is it big enough?

Oh, I don't get... I get all the... What your mind says,

which is in the draw away process.

I'm asking you are you willing?

To simply trust a process,

to step through the motions and not worry about whether it's gonna work or not

or what it is.

-Are you willing to do that? -Yes.

Okay.

You guys, stand up.

Anybody's got any physical body issues,

I wanna know it, need to know it

'cause this is gonna be physical work.

What I want you to do

is I want you to know that

we are all here

hoping for things that you say can't happen.

[Brian screams]

Hold him.

God damn. Get the fuck off me.

Get the fuck off of me, motherfucker.

-In you. -Get the fuck--

In you.

In you.

Let it out. Let it out.

-Let it out. -Shit.

-Let it out, Brian. -Fuckin' shit.

Let it out. It's coming.

-Let it out. -Motherfucker.

-Goddammit. -In your head.

Scream down. Scream down.

[screaming]

Let it rip.

Let it rip.

Open your eyes. Open your eyes.

You need to be able to see what's goin on with it.

Look at me, Brian.

Who am I, Brian?

-Who am I? -My dad said I didn't have this.

Yeah, that's right.

-Who am I? -Look at him.

When you look at me, who am I?

There. There you go.

Yeah, that's right.

Brian, that's right.

Open your eyes.

Give it a noise.

[screams]

Yeah.

Give it a noise.

'Cause everybody's getting this sideways.

Holler.

Everybody's getting this sideways, Brian.

Girlfriends, friends.

Strangers.

Let it out.

-Keep your eyes open. -Keep your eyes open.

I'm fucking tired, man, let me go.

-All right. All right. -Let me go.

This is about letting energy go.

-That's all it's about. -Yeah.

Giving yourself permission on that energy.

What are you feelin' right now?

That's I guess I need to prove to you guys.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

What do you still have to prove?

-That's how... -Did he do more?

'Cause I wanna fuckin' do more.

Is that dad's voice you have, "This is not enough.

You ain't never gonna have enough"? Is that dad's voice?

Keep your head up.

-Got-- -I don't know whose voice it is, now it's my voice.

Now it's your voice, is it familiar?

Is that a voice that says you're self judging, is that--

I was just closed, shot down.

Sports, all that shit, shot down.

That didn't... You didn't just make that shit up, that's a tool.

You made that tool somewhere for a reason.

Let's go back to being not good enough

from your dad, not good enough.

-Sports-- -Yeah, I'm trying to understand it now.

-I gotta prove more to you guys. -Exactly.

Do you wanna do one more?

Do you wanna do one more?

We want you to go under the well and just

and just bring something up, that's all we're doing here.

This is just a start.

[exhales]

There are not gonna be any score cards.

I guess I can't go any harder than I did.

I can just do it again and again.

-That's more and more. -That's... That's true.

Are you willing to try that? You wanna do that?

I don't need to when I think of it that way.

Okay.

You said you don't need to.

You're saying you don't need to.

When you think about it like that, you don't need to.

That's power. You're giving yourself power right there, dude.

That's another way

to look at it.

You don't need to do it again and again.

You don't need to prove

anything

to anybody.

-That's your power. -Yeah.

So, Brian, these are steps. You've taken one.

It doesn't get fixed here like a light switch getting flipped.

-I know. -Get that.

[chattering]

So, I want to say something.

This doesn't mean anything, it's actually stupid.

But I'm moved to say it.

When you go back out in the world

people go, "What happened to your head, jigsaw?"

"Oh, I was in Folsom, I was fighting in prison."

[everybody laughing]

And that, pretty much, puts a cap on any concept

of competing or competition.

So...

You may wanna keep that fresh out there.

-Tell 'em it was a bunch of dudes... -Bunch of dudes.

-...jumped me. -Seven of 'em.

-Seven of 'em. -This was all they could do. This was all they could do.

Seven... He fought seven convicts.

I ain't never done that.

[all laughing]

I ain't never done that.

-Hey, Brian, bless your heart, man. -Bless you, man.

Bless your heart.

Can you take that in?

Looks like it touched or something.

And you know what, I do... You remind me of... of...

sometimes of me a little bit in gettin' in touch with that.

I used to put my head down.

And then I learned how to cry like a man, which was, like,up here.

And with your chin up and just let it roll proud, it's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

I'm sayin' you're in that natural state.

I did not like you.

I did not like you.

I had the same disease you did. I had gangs and gangs with judges.

I changed my view on you.

You are a lot like me.

You think too much. You judge too much.

But you're pretty courageous, too.

You didn't quit and I seen you fight yourself so you wouldn't quit.

And I connected to that.

[chirping]

[chattering]

You know, you just started gettin' closer.

I've been doing good, I'm trying to change my ways

and I'm trying to quit gang-banging

and everything to work.

Well, he can blow up...

Well, my dad is in prison, but he a good dude.

-You know what I'm saying? -Right.

Still trying to... You know what I'm saying, he been changing everything...

The negative things about himself, you know.

You know what I'm saying?

And be the best I could be for him.

So he can be half as proud of me and stuff.

Right.

-And she took... -She just don't come no more?

Yeah, she won't bring him.

Nobody should tell me she will,

but it's just games and stuff.

Yeah?

[crying] I'm tired of trying to see, man,

and it's not... nothing I can do to make it work, man.

-I've been trying. -Yeah.

Nothing I can do or say, man, for me to see my son.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, I want you to hear this, man, that we all have these things.

That we have to create for ourselves.

To keep goin' from day to day whether we in here or we out there.

I have them, too.

And I had to... I had to find something...

Something to hold on to.

You know, I gotta find something to hold on to.

And if I gotta create it for myself, then I gotta create it for myself.

I'm dealin' with too much pressure from the system, man.

Just being in jail and incarcerated.

Man, I can die, man. Any day, man.

Wouldn't nobody even know. Wouldn't nobody even care.

And they'd bury me somewhere on this prison grounds.

This shit don't work, man.

It's not working.

Ain't got to workin', man.

And I'm just about ready to quit this shit.

And whatever happens, man...

It happens.

[crying]

I just wanna sit next to you, man, that's all.

That's all. I just wanna sit next to you.

I just wanna sit next to you.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man.

Not very often someone take me to a place I don't know where to go.

And I'm sittin' there right now.

And I'm sorry.

It's sad, man.

I mean...

I'm facin' one of my fears

by, you know, agreeing to do this.

You know, and...

I know why I fear this so much.

It's fucked up in here.

You know.

It's dark. It's scary.

It's depressing.

You know, and...

All you wanna do is see your son, man.

That's it.

All he wanna do is see his baby boy.

That hurts me.

That hurts me a lot.

I've never

felt like I couldn't go on.

This is breaking my heart, man, like...

For real. For real.

And I pray to God, man, that you find some type of hope to live.

[crying]

Don't give up, man.

Please.

I don't know you like that, but I feel you.

Don't give up, man, seriously, do not give up.

Fight till the end of every single day, man, for real.

Fight for your son, man.

Nothin' else.

He gonna need you.

[crying]

I got somethin' I need to do.

Stand up.

That shit that you're talkin' about doin'

is bullshit.

And you know it.

That's bullshit.

That's a coward's way out

that you're trying to take.

Ain't no cowards where I'm from.

What I need you to do is grow the fuck up.

And do what you got to do for little Dante.

Do you hear me?

Do you hear me?

Do you feel me?

I feel you, brother.

Can I get that?

Can I get that?

Can I get that?

I need you to do that for me, please.

I need you to do that for me.

Give me some time. Give me a little bit of time.

Can you give me some time so we can figure out a way to work something out?

Can you give me that?

-I don't know. -Give me three months.

Give me three months.

If we ain't came up with a solution in three months

for something, then you can do whatever you want to do.

Can I get 90 days?

Thank you.

Thank you.

[crying]

Ninety days. Give me 90 days.

We'll figure something out, all right?

All right.

Clean yourself up. There are people lookin'.

[man screaming]

I'm good, man. Let's... Let's move on.

Let's move on.

Let's pull together right now. Stand up.

Get together before something fucking weird happens.

Now, we gotta get together.

We gotta be so close we can't even have the space to have anything fuck up right now.

Just feel what happened.

Just feel what happened.

Just feel what happened.

[man screaming]

[sobbing]

[screaming]

Oh, God.

[sobbing]

Tired of motherfuckers gettin' hurt.

Tired of us gettin' on the fuckin' edge and givin' up.

[sobbing]

So, let's remember Don, he talked about the intent.

Right there next to the wound. Right there next to the pain.

When we go deep, when we go down to the bottom,

right there next to where we hurt the most,

is where our medicine is at.

Let's remember that.

Stretch, like you said, Rick, stretch.

We gotta get stretched to be able to come back

with them shiny coins.

Somebody's gotta have some shiny coins.

Coins of all got blood on 'em.

Yeah? They're still gold.

I'm tired of the blood.

So, let's wipe 'em off.

Tired of the blood.

I'm fucking tired of people I love givin' up.

Don't.

Dammit, what are we doin'?

When do I give up?

When do I give up?

That's right.

[sobbing]

Why can't we be enough to hang on to?

Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.

You're gonna have your-your guides help you build

a little fort, a little place of security.

We've got some mattresses, we've got blankets,

and your-your guides have done this so they'll, they know...

They know how to do it, but...

Find a spot where you feel safe

and then build yourself a little cave.

A little fort...

and have your guides guard you.

And remember that they're awake for you so that nobody will bother you.

So, we're gonna begin to lower the lights.

I want you to follow my voice.

And I want you to follow my instructions.

I want you to imagine

floating above your own body.

I want you to imagine

floating higher and higher.

As you float

right through

the roof of this building.

Nothing can harm you.

Nothing can touch you.

As you move further

and higher

and farther away from this place

until there is no place

and then off in the distance you see something.

It's a little dot at first, a small something.

But you look up and you're looking into the face of a child.

You're looking into the face of you

when you were a boy.

And you ask him, "What's the deepest need, what's the thing you needed?

What is it? The thing that would have kept you safe.

Made you grow up whole, balanced, healthy."

And he reaches up and he grabs your ear with one little hand

and he pulls it down and he whispers in your ear...

That deepest need.

That thing that he would have needed

to grow in the direction

that you would want to, want him to grow in.

And when you're ready

I want you to write down your little boy's deepest need.

Thanks.

[sobbing]

I didn't expect it.

[crying]

So, I'm putting out a invitation for the men

who just took this, this journey

to share about their experience,

to share what they have in their journal.

Laying, you know, in the fort with my boys on the side of me

I still felt vulnerable.

Not physically, but emotionally.

I felt vulnerable.

Then when the drums started going and he started talking,

I left.

I was gone. You know, I forgot I was even here.

And I saw, you know,

little seven-year-old Charles

with a Jackson Five Afro, you know what I mean...

You know.

Yeah.

You know what I'm sayin'.

Just like, you know.

I brought it back,

"To be able to be a kid and not move from place to place.

To have a real father.

To not have to grow up so fast

and take care of everything and everybody

and to be an actual family."

My...

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Thank you.

[man sighs] That was deep.

Something that I've done for a long time

is to, like, rub the back of my thumb

and...

I probably started it when I was seven maybe.

And it used to bug the shit out of my dad.

Uh, [clears throat]

But I think it just reminds me

of the softness...

[sighs]

Anyway. The little boy,

his deepest need is not to be told what to do.

Thank you.

-Thank you. -Bless you, Brian. I guess I'll go next.

I've been kind of emotionally detached from this whole thing.

And I didn't really think

or give it the credit that it would get me at all

and...

I'll be honest, we got in there

and that music started and I was like,

"What is this hokey shit?"

This is like space music.

And I was like...

I didn't...

And I...

I know that sounds harsh, but I was...

But that's what I do, I-I'm always framing it.

I frame my experiences so that I can laugh about them later.

And I...

I went with it,

which I don't normally do.

And I haven't cried in, like...

I don't know how long.

It felt... It felt good.

And I... Basically all I brought back was

an image of myself when I was happy.

And I got a little red hoodie on.

With a little metal zipper and...

Yeah, I think I'm in with that then.

'Cause I was out for the whole of the time.

[all laughing]

-So I... -Nice to see you showing up.

Welcome.

Looking to see you clockin' in.

Only a little tardy.

[all laughing]

Hear. Hear.

Yeah.

Said he's a little tired.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

There's a few times today

that

emotions really tugged at me and...

and...

something kept tellin' me,

"Man, jump in. Jump in the fire. Jump in the fire."

And every time I get to that place

I run.

You know, I...

I pack up and I leave.

But I'm checking out the...

With the little bit of a...

Little bit of joy, though, 'cause I feel like I've gotten a little closer to Chris.

And, uh, so I'm checking out with that.

I'm out.

I don't know if I should do it.

[chattering]

I hate this shit.

I wanna beat the shit out of somebody, man.

-I've done that too many times. -Yeah.

Yeah.

When my mom and dad got split up,

I lived with my mom

and because my dad was alone I felt that he needed one of his sons to be with him.

I told my mom

that I wanted to live with my dad.

She didn't want me to.

She kept telling me what kind of a scumbag he is

and he used to do all these bad things

and I didn't believe her, I said, "No, he's not all that, you're lying."

And every time he fell, I picked him up.

Every time he needed something, I was there.

Whenever he needed a son, I was there.

I feel like it was all just a fucking scam

because everything he's fucking taught me is what got me here.

I didn't even know how much my mom needed me.

I didn't even think about that.

That's all right.

Yo, that's all right.

I don't know why.

That's all right. That's all right.

I don't know why I betrayed her.

[sobbing]

Fuck.

We're all gonna go home.

We're all gonna go home.

I don't wanna just fucking hurt people, man, fuck.

I know. I know.

[sobbing]

I don't wanna hurt nobody no more.

No. No. No. We got it.

I don't wanna hurt nobody no more.

-You're done. -It's good to feel that.

Stop.

[Dark Cloud mumbling]

Easy.

-It's all good. -You're already here, man.

-Cloud. cloud, we're here already. -I'm here for you.

-I'm here for you. -We're already here, let's keep doing it, pal.

-Your fight is my fight, so come on. -We're already here.

We're already here.

I stood by you, Cloud. Come on, you stood by me.

We're all here level to the ground, come on.

Let's let the pain out.

We're already there, Cloud, just let it go. We're already there.

What am I feeling?

Just stand up, homes.

Come on. come on, no. Don't do it.

-We're all cool? -He's gone.

-Where... -He's gone.

He's gone out.

He's gone.

[chanting Native American prayer]

[screaming]

Oh, fuck.

[man speaking]

[chattering]

The betrayal that I...

I'm hesitant to share

for whatever reason

comes from... from my dad.

[man screaming]

And it feels... It feels to me so much smaller than a lot of things that has happened

to many other people, so, I...

[man screaming]

I also get frustrated

even that I feel it at all.

But I'll keep it short.

I have a very clean memory, a very vivid memory of...

My dad used to work on cars a lot

and he used to spend a lot of time in the garage and...

I know at one point I tried to help him

and it was probably something small

and I think I went out there and he needed a particular

tool

and

I couldn't find it.

Like, I couldn't see it. I didn't know what it was.

And he tried to describe it to me and I couldn't...

I couldn't find it and I...

And I brought it back to him

what I thought it was and he said, "That's not it",

and I kept going back and forth.

Finally he said, "I'll do it myself",

and then when he grabbed it, he said, "Just go back inside."

"Go back with your mom."

He did that a lot when I was growing up.

He wanted... He always wanted...

I always tried to make the effort and I got, kind of, shut down.

And I...

I haven't yet figured out why, but it really bothers me.

Well, if you did know why,

what would the reason be, that would bother you.

I don't know, I just wanted to be out there with him.

[crying] And he wouldn't let me.

He kept shouting me down.

That's right. You're doing good.

I don't wanna...

He didn't mean to hurt me though.

I'm not mad at him.

I feel bad telling this story.

Have you ever had the chance to tell your dad

how that... How much that hurt you?

No.

That's something... That's something you've been wanting to do?

-Tell him? -Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

I planned to tell him that someday.

Well, I mean...

We could create a space for you to do it today.

If-if-if there were somebody in the circle here that...

That... that...

That could hold the, the energy of your father.

Somebody in here that you see that

holds qualities

and energy like your father does

-Can I tell you? -Yeah.

So, where do you want me?

That's fine right there.

I just wanna help you.

We'd work on the car together.

And you can teach me some things.

What was the message you got?

What's the story?

You said, "I'll do it by myself, go back in the house."

What's the message you got?

I couldn't...

I...

I wasn't gonna be the man he wanted me to be.

Right, and you say you've been carrying that for a while. All right?

-Right? -Yeah.

Yeah.

And how does that... How is that played out in your life?

I haven't known how it'd be really.

So what does that look like?

How have you carried that in your life?

Through your jobs.

-Your relationships. -Your relationships.

How are you playing this?

I can't comment on any of it.

-It scares me, I don't know... -Yeah.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Then that's good.

I don't know why I am crying.

That's perfect.

That's perfect.

That's perfect.

You're doin' perfect.

And it starts here. You've already started your work.

Stand up. Come on.

Come on. Here you go.

That's right. We have your back, Chris.

Here's what happened. You cut a deal with your father.

You signed a contract

the moment you walked in that house.

That last time you walked in the house

you cut a contract with your father

to feel as though you were the guy

that cannot get the job done.

And that's haunted you, you've used it.

You've fulfilled the contract, it's haunted you throughout your life.

And your whole body tells me that's true right now.

-Yeah. -Right?

I know that truth hurts right there.

So, here's what you're gonna do.

Each one of these men

identify something, some sort of a block.

Your job

is to get through this.

-Are you trying towards that? -Yeah. Yeah.

Turn around. Turn around and face, you and I.

Look at me. Look at me.

Now, stand up.

Fucking stand up.

There, you're taller than me right now.

-You get that? -Yeah.

-You're stronger. -Do you get that?

-You're stronger. -Look at...

Stand up.

Stand up.

-And hurt. -I won't do that.

Know that it's okay to hurt.

Know that it's just fine.

'Cause you got some... You got some bad dudes that got your back.

Now to remind you, even though you got us at your back

you gotta turn around and face these things in your life.

You gotta see what it's cost you.

What's it cost you? Be here, down here.

What's it cost you, man?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just now.

The whole first day, I didn't... I couldn't feel anything.

-Yeah. -I couldn't commence anything.

So...

This man's gonna point you toward what that represents.

That you can't feel.

I guess.

Walk up to the arm.

Walk up and put your chest on the arm. Just go put your chest on the arm.

And look at what it's cost you.

"Go back in the house with your mother."

Straight through.

With some intention.

-Stand up straight. Stand up straight. -Open your eye. -Stand up straight. -"Go back

-in the house... -Stand up straight.

...with your mother."

Stand up straight.

"I don't need you out here".

This is not using your chest, son.

-You know what you need now. -"Don't look at me like that."

You know what you need, you can take care of yourself.

-"Go back in the house with your mother." -Don't listen to that shit.

Don't listen to that.

"I said, 'Go back,' Chris."

Open your mouth and start teaching this guy.

"Chris, I don't need you out here."

Open your mouth and start teaching.

Chris, you're falling into this, you're not working here.

I can't... I don't know how to work this.

Yeah, that's the problem, you're gonna have to make a move.

What would it look like to work it?

-What would it look like to have intentions... -Stand up to this guy.

-...about getting past these arms. -Stand up to this guy.

-What's the risk for getting out of this confusion? -Let him just go back

-in the house with his mother. -Stand up to this guy.

Take some steps back. Take some steps back.

Don't step back. Don't step back.

Step back some more.

-Don't step back. That's it. -Yeah, step back some more.

That's it.

Keep it coming, Chris, I got your back.

Keep it coming, Chris, I got your back.

No.

-Tell him, Chris. -Keep goin', Chris.

-Show him. Get your life back, Chris. -"Go back in the house."

-"Go back." -Let him get out.

Get through this. Get through this.

Stand up, Chris. Keep goin', Chris.

Keep goin', Chris.

Keep it, yo.

Keep your eyes on this.

-Keep pushing, Chris. -That's right. You're there.

-Chris, you're there. -Keep your eye on--

-You're there. Stand up. -Stand up. Stand up.

-Look at-- Look at him right there. -Tell him.

-Tell him. -Tell him what you wanted.

-Tell him what you wanted. -Tell him.

-Right now. -One voice. One voice.

-One voice. -Quiet.

-One voice. -Come.

-That's it. Speak from-- -I'm good enough.

Yeah.

-Okay. -You are good enough.

You better fuckin' believe you're good enough.

-I'm good enough. -That's it.

That's right. That's right, man.

I am good enough.

-Bring it some peace. -You're goddamn right.

I believe you now.

What about later?

It's not up to you.

That's right. That's right, man.

-Damn right. -Okay.

I got it, my brother.

-Stand on your own, Chris. Stand on your own. -Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I've been waitin' on you.

Here, I've been waitin' on you.

I'm glad to see you.

You did good. Thank you.

-I mean it. -You know what I mean with that.

I'm proud of you, brother. I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

I'm checking out.

I used to have a '67 Shovelhead

that would get to 147 miles an hour

before it tried to buck me off.

And every time I'd push it right up to that motherfuckin' edge

and it starts shakin' and rattlin'

I'd bring it back down

I'd throw the kick stick down, the kick stand down, and say,

"Whoo!"

That's how I felt today.

I love God.

I love life.

And I love adrenalin edges.

And in this place it's hard to get to that fuckin' edge for me.

Without it bein' a bad thing.

So, when days like today happens

and I get pulled as far apart as I can be pulled

I'm alive.

I'm alive and I'm fuckin' grateful.

I'm out.

-Oh... -Wait.

[applause]

Hell of a lot better, man.

I feel good, man.

I feel blessed.

You know what I'm sayin', I, fuck, I done got some more strength, man.

I'm rollin' on.

That's it, man. I out, man. Thank you.

Dark Cloud?

Spirit name Black Bear sometimes flies with the White Owl.

I don't think I still, you know, I've really grasped

the entirety of it.

The hurts, feels good.

I'm ready for another round.

I'm out with that.

I'm Chris, checking out with

a sense of satisfaction

that's new to me.

I'm not normally comfortable with new things,

but this one seems to be a good fit.

And...

I think I've said all I needed to say. I'm checking out.

[all chuckling]

Brother G.

Signing one off.

Whoo.

You know, I've of... I've often wondered

why I was put here on the planet and...

for me, it's become real clear, it's about the fatherless sons.

I was a fatherless son.

My father was a fatherless son.

My grandfather was a fatherless son.

And my son

for a long time in his life was a fatherless son.

I don't have a right to tell another man what to do with his life,

but I can tell another man

what the consequences may be

for one fatherless son.

And so right now I have some, some sadness and some joy.

I'm sad because of the fatherless sons.

And I have some joy because things like this happen.

And circles like this in other places happen.

So that if one father

can go through what he needs to go through to be there for his son,

then all this shit is worth it.

All of it.

I've seen what this work can do.

I've seen it. I've felt it. I've experienced it.

It's the work, y'all.

It's the work.

♪♪