Original subtitles

I was in the top 10% at the Harvard School of Psychiatry.

Yeah, I got one of these at the carnival.

All I had to do was shoot a duck.

Look, Miss Boback, if you want to hire me to be your expert

witness in this sexual harassment case, I suggest we get started.

All right, all right.

It's real simple.

All you got to do is say that I'm damaged and then I collect two million bucks for

all the pain and suffering inflicted by my boss, Mr. Wick.

But you got some real good stories about crazy people Oh, huh.

I'm working on one right now.

So, tell me in your own words what exactly your boss did.

Well, we were gonna make believe that he was sexually harassing me and then I was

gonna sue the store for big bucks and then we were gonna split the dough.

So what you're saying is no actual sexual harassment took place?

Well, I grabbed him a couple of good ones before he got away.

So, your boss never actually harassed you?

He knew that I had feelings for him and he used my feelings to get me to go on with

that scam and then dump me for another woman.

And it was your broken heart that caused you to try and mask your pain with that...

garish makeup?

If by garish, you mean pretty...

and I hope you do...

then no, I've always looked like this.

Would you be interested in being a case study?

Yeah.

If you want to go out with me, just say you want to go out with me.

I'm sorry.

I can't go out with patients.

You took an oath.

Okay.

Listen, you say I'm ruined for other men and collect a check.

Are you in or are you out?

Miss Mowback, you're obviously a fascinating woman.

Uh, let me sleep on it and I'll, uh... I'll get back to you.

Okay.

Oh, by the way, if you meet anybody with multiple

personalities, you might want to borrow one.

Finally, but you're too late.

She's society's problem now.

Oh,

I got a valentine.

That's my mom.

Some son you are.

This is the woman who gave me a birth to you, and

after seeing you, still claimed you from the nursery.

All she can do is open her cart.

Oh.

Thanks.

I usually have Oswald open them.

Oh, here's hoping you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

Dad's having prostate problems.

You might want to get your jobby check.

Hey, there's a Valentine's recipe on the back.

Oh, high fiber.

Good for your jobby.

You know, this would be great for the Valentine's

dinner that Oswald and I are cooking for Nikki and Kate.

Oh, man, women get all mushy when guys cook for them.

Hey, can I get in on this?

Pinky would love it.

Are you still dating a guinea pig girl?

Guinea pig girl is demeaning, Drew.

She tests experimental drugs for drug code.

She's no different than you or me.

Yeah, except we don't crave cheese every time we hear a bell.

Pizza's ready.

Confused by the second bell, our subject is paralyzed by indecision.

What if there's a bigger pizza behind the door?

Oh,

it's Officer Barker.

Can I ask you a few questions?

Yeah, come on in.

I'm, uh, checking out some suspicious noises that

were heard in the neighborhood between 8 and 11 p.m.

last night.

Oh, well, you know, these are the ones where these walls are paper-thin, and.

..

well, sometimes my coughs sound like I'm passing gas.

I'm talking about the incident down the street at the Embers.

What incident?

A little domestic problem.

Mrs. Embers chopped up her husband with a meat cleaver.

Oh, my God.

There was such a nice couple.

Last time I saw her, she was holding his hand.

That's what she was doing when we picked her up.

Look, Officer, this may not be related, but I was watching Drew's house the other

night, and Mrs. Embers came over and borrowed an

ax, a sheet, and a whole bunch of garbage bags.

And here's the weird part... some sugar.

You're gonna have to come down and give a statement tomorrow.

The station's just down the street.

Yeah, yeah, I know where it is.

Right.

Thanks.

Hey, Officer.

Hey, Drew, I heard about your neighbors.

I mean, I just saw Mrs. Embers yesterday when I delivered

that extra-large freezer and all that surgical equipment.

You're gonna have to come down and give a statement tomorrow.

The station's just down the street.

Yeah, I know where it is.

Right.

Boy, horrible news, and good news all on the same day.

What are you talking about?

Oh, and Kate and I are moving in together tomorrow.

You... what?

You're moving in with Kate?

Yeah, aren't we skipping a little step here?

Well, like what?

Like discussing it with Drew.

Why should we talk about it with you?

Because I care about you, man.

Did you hear about the neighbors?

You moved in with the wrong person.

Next thing you know, I'll chase my dog around the yard looking for your head.

What's the big deal?

I mean, we've been dating for months, and don't worry, big guy.

I'll be paying my half of the rent until you find another roommate.

And who's gonna pay for my emotional abandonment, hmm?

What?

I'm just kidding.

I'm happy for you.

Oh, I'm the happiest S.O.B.

you'll ever walk out on.

I can't believe this.

It's... it's too soon to move in together.

Uh, you're just freaking out because you're not ready to move in with Nicky yet.

It has nothing to do with me and Kate.

You mean Nicky?

I said Nicky.

Oh, yeah, you did.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, so what I'm telling you is you're going way too fast.

You got to slow it down, like me and Kate do.

That time I heard Kate.

Of course you did.

She's right there.

Oh, yeah.

My fault.

Oh, I'm so glad you're moving out of here.

That's the most disgusting bathroom I've ever seen in my life.

Did you guys ever clean it?

We would, but the bacteria ate our sponge.

Hey, Drew, did you pack my stuffed animals?

They're in the truck with the princess phone and the glass unicorns.

Finally, my place is going to look like a woman lives there.

Okay, ready to roll.

What?

What's that?

It's my pet parakeet.

Oh, a little guy can really hold his breath, can't he?

He's stuffed.

Problem.

That thing gives me the creeps.

He's my pet.

He's coming.

No, he's not.

He's coming, case closed.

Let's ask him.

You want to come?

Nothing.

He's shy, case closed.

He's coming.

I don't want this damn thing in my house.

Lewis, you take it.

I don't want it.

I can't believe you just did that.

It was an accident.

You liar.

Is this what it's going to be like when you move in?

Yeah, if you throw everything I love out the window.

Is this how you're going to treat our children?

If you keep them stuffed in a glass case, yes!

Oh, look, Polly wants an ambulance.

Would you hear that?

They haven't even moved in together yet.

They're already at each other's throats.

So this might not work out?

Dare I dream?

I'm going to go blow up his doll.

Unless he's gone.

You okay?

I can't believe it ended that way, I mean.

One minute we're yelling at each other, and the next minute it's over.

I never told you this when you were going out, because you would have beaten the

crap out of me, but you guys are totally wrong for each other.

Well, you always thought that, huh?

Yeah, well, you know, it was, uh...

You were lonely, and she was convenient, you know?

You popped into bed together, you thought it was a relationship.

I mean, I don't want to sound crass, but you're

probably thinking with little Oswald instead of...

Hey, when you said it was over, what's over?

I meant the fight, not the relationship.

Oh!

You wanted me and Kate to break up from the beginning, and you still do.

Looks like I stuffed the wrong friend.

I meant that in an angry way, not in any kind of sexual...

So, bite me, screw you, and kiss my ass!

All anger.

Is this really necessary, Carrie?

I'm sorry, sir.

You and I both know you never harassed me and me, but before the board spends any

money on your defense, they want you to take a polygraph test.

Fine, but make it quick.

I hate being bound up tightly like this.

All right, all right.

I like it.

All right.

Okay, the first thing the board wants to know is, have you ever been guilty of

sexual harassing anybody else on any other job?

I categorically deny that I have ever been a monkey.

That's cheating, sir.

No, it's not.

Look, Carrie, while I respect you, and you have a great future in the store,

Bob, you know he could get better.

Carrie, this device is a demeaning parlor trick.

I'd rather be put in a dress and passed around

the docks by a bunch of drunken sailors.

Well, it should be clicking.

That was a blatant lie.

This machine is the one with the sick desires.

What's going on?

Getting ready for court?

This is gonna be your downfall, Mimi.

You can lie to me.

You can lie to the court.

If you want, I'd give you a lie in front of my car.

But you cannot lie in this machine.

Well?

Well, let's see.

Go ahead.

Ask me a question.

All right, first I have to ask you a base question.

Uh, Mimi Balbec.

Did you invent the automobile?

Yes, I did.

Give her something more difficult, something impossible for her to say yes to.

It'll set this thing off like a pinball machine.

All right, uh, hey, Mimi.

I'd like to get out the butter and massage oil

and do a little slip-and-side with me later on.

Sounds great.

God!

Yes, yes, yes!

She's pure evil, kid.

Package for a backstabbing bastard.

Sign here.

Do you need a pen?

I need to see some I.D.

You know me?

Oh, I thought I did.

I can't believe you're jealous of me getting Kate.

I'm not jealous of you and Kate.

I'm not gonna lie to you and protect your feelings.

I should've told you this a long time ago.

You guys just aren't right for each other.

That's not true, and I've got proof.

It's right here in Kate's magazine.

Check it out.

How to slow down your man in the sack.

No, no, not that one.

But it's circle.

No.

This one, it says how to test you and your mate's compatibility.

I took it.

Kate and I are perfect match.

You can't take a compatibility test alone.

You're scared to let Kate take this test with you, because you know I'm right.

I ain't scared of nothing.

Well, apparently, you're scared of good English.

Shut up, Mr. Know-It-All.

I'll tell you one thing, Kate and I are more

right for each other than you and Nicky are.

Well, if that is so wrong, it's funny.

Nicky and I are soulmates.

Why?

What did you hear?

Did she say something?

I'm not so cocky now.

Are you, Mr. I'm not so cocky now?

Why, did you take the test?

Well, I'll tell you what, Mr. Repetitive Insult.

Why don't we all take the test?

Well, memorize the questions and we'll subtly

slip them into our Valentine's Day dinner.

And when you and Kate fail it, and I know you will,

just promise me you'll talk with her and deal with it.

Well, I'll talk to Kate.

If you promise to talk to Nicky.

Fine.

Fine.

Kerry, I'm ready to beat the machine now.

I read that if you distract yourself, it can't truly read your emotions.

All right.

Ask the question!

All right.

Uh, my first question is, uh, why'd you do that before I turned the machine on?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Ho!

You know, I remember a time when you couldn't get fresh basil in February.

Remember?

Mm-hmm.

Mm -hmm.

This is so cute.

The little rascals make dinner.

Well, you're not getting any help tonight.

You're on your own.

Ooh, but this looks a little rough.

Yeah.

Thanks, honey.

She almost curdled my burnets.

Do they have to be so rough?

Well, better go out there and see how my date's doing.

I know jokes about Pinky's job.

She's feeling a little weird since she started testing that cat vaccine.

Where's my little kitten?

I'm right here.

Just a...

Salmon curl cats.

I love salmon curl cats.

Ready?

Ready.

May the most compatible couple win.

Gee, I hope you're thirsty.

I could drink two to five of these glasses of wine, but I'm not

sure if that's way too much, not enough, or just about right.

What do you think, Mickey?

I don't know.

That sounds about right to me.

Great.

Five?

That sounds like a lot to me.

Really?

Sorry.

I got something in my throat.

Drinking.

Boy, that always makes me think about having kids.

Hey, uh, Kate, how do you feel about public education?

I kind of like the idea of homeschooling.

Homeschooling?

That doesn't make any sense.

Where do you do your homework, school?

Got you there.

I guess that's something I really don't have to worry about.

I don't think I want kids.

What?

Oh, I'd like to have a whole litter.

I'd be happy with just one.

Really, just one?

Maybe two.

Really, just two?

Maybe three.

Are you saying that because you really want three kids?

Do you think that's what Oswald wants you to hear?

I'd really only want one.

Speaking of kids, isn't it fun making them?

Say, do you prefer touch me in the morning, or afternoon to light,

or midnight at the oasis?

Is touch me in the morning the same as quick, I got to go to work?

Hey, I made up for that last night.

Oh, yeah.

I know what my Katy Bear likes, and that's

not to discuss sexual matters during dinner.

That's right.

Pinky, you want another croquette?

Pinky, you want another croquette, huh?

Pinky, you want another croquette?

I propose a toast to health, wealth, and happiness

in whatever order is most important to you.

Nikki?

What?

What's the order?

Uh, I don't know.

Health, I guess.

And then I guess wealth.

Yeah, the hell with happiness.

Happiness is the top for me.

And I don't care if I'm ever rich.

Poor and happy, can do.

My idea of happiness is to lay around in the sun grooming myself.

Maybe chase a bird or two.

Me too.

Oh, it's a timer in the kitchen.

Dinner's ready.

You like dinner, don't you?

Man,

I can't believe how bad I'm doing.

Uh, no offense, but you two ever think about talking during a meal?

Shut up, I'm coming back in the second half.

Yeah, right.

Hey, where's the wine?

I could use another two to five glasses.

Oh, and hey, it's domestic.

Boy, you know, I think American workers are the hardest-working people on the planet.

You'd have to agree with that, wouldn't you, Nikki?

That's not on the test.

Give me one lousy point.

Actually, in Japan...

So, technically, we're not.

I thought this was supposed to be a romantic dinner.

What's with the 20 questions?

Oh, does examining a relationship make you

impatient, suspicious, or happy with your mate?

Just shut up and kiss me.

So, uh, how do you feel about public displays of affection?

Oh, come on.

I'm the one who wanted to do it in the library.

It was story time down the hall.

I don't believe you, Drew.

You're the one who told me you wanted to do it in an airplane bathroom.

What, are you kidding?

I could barely get my cell phone on one of those things.

I mean, they're getting smaller.

Kate, when two people are in love, how long do

you think they should wait until they get married?

I don't know.

I guess when they have that look in their eyes, they should just do it.

Kate, will you marry me?

Yes.

Let me see your eyes.

Nikki's got the look, too.

Uh, you want to get married?

Come on.

We're perfect for each other.

Come on!

Okay.

Sir, no.

Good boy.

Hey, we're getting married.

You should do that, too.

Drew, are you serious?

Yeah.

I can't believe this.

We're all getting married.

It's great.

I got a really good feeling about this.

Hope you enjoyed your evening.

Oh, yeah.

Your friends are lovely.

And this wine is lovely.

It's a Chardonnay, 1995.

Oh.

Nice bouquet.