Original subtitles

Morning, Drew.

Morning.

Drew.

Morning.

You need your signature carry?

Sign here, sign here, sign here, sign here, sign here, sign here.

Morning, Kenny.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Say, have you noticed anything unusual around here today?

No, can't say that I have.

Oh, what can I do for you, sir?

Nothing.

I just came out to tell you what a great job you're

doing and how much we value you as an employee.

Now, how about that raise?

Consider it done.

In fact, I'm giving you more than you asked for.

Raise and respect.

I knew it.

Stinking aliens.

We saw what happened, Drew.

Let us help you.

Not so fast.

Uh, who won the 1969 World Series?

The Zargon Flipsters.

Wrong.

It was the Mets.

The 69 Mets were from Zargon.

Forget aliens!

18 to 49-year-olds!

Follow me!

Freeze!

Can you tell me where the ammonia fountain is?

I'm just a regular customer, not an alien from the planet Zeon.

Die, you unholy bastard!

Clean up in lady's shoes.

Single file, no talking.

All right.

Who are you?

What do you want?

We've come here to enslave you, put you in cubicles, and

make you work long hours with no chance of advancement.

How long do we get for lunch?

45 minutes.

Nobody takes my lunch hour.

Man, I'm out of power.

Say, uh, how big are those cubicles, anyway?

Special delivery for Mr. Alien.

Yeah, package of death.

Sorry, Drew.

Guess we gotta get probed now.

Time to burn dinner.

It's been a catchphrase.

What do you think?

Shoot him, you're beautiful with your kids in.

Step aside.

I can't!

He's got me by the throat!

I was talking to the alien.

Told you this wouldn't work.

Dominoes doesn't deliver where you're going, pig.

Oh, look, that isn't the mothership.

Bite me, doughboy!

That's all I need to hear.

Ah, that was a close one.

Not only are we aliens, but Lewis has impregnated you with his seed.

Who's your alien, baby?

What's your problem?

I dreamt I was a horrible creature with pale skin and a bad haircut.

Bite me, doughboy!

I always wanted to do that.

Moon's over.

Before I bring my...

Come on, Drew.

We got the truck waiting downstairs.

We gotta get out of here before the storm hits.

It's supposed to be the worst storm in a hundred years.

I can't.

Mr. Witch keeping the store open.

Everybody's gotta stay until closing time.

He's pretty roughing you guys.

It's not so bad.

If the sun explodes, we get to wear shorts.

Okay, well, if you're gonna stay, let's decide right now

how you're gonna communicate with us from the beyond.

All right, how's this?

I'll reject you in the form of a beautiful woman.

Oh, my God!

The dead have been trying to reach us for years!

Perry, I gotta go.

Finish these reports.

My kid's school's closing because of the storm.

I gotta pick him up.

Oh, so if you have kids, you get to go home.

Yeah, I got millions of kids, technically.

I mean, who's to say when life begins, really?

That's gross, Kerry.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Larry.

You know, single people have lives, too, you know.

Yeah, I guess you better call your four girlfriends

in a thumb and tell them you're gonna be late.

Oh, look, it's a clown show under the big tub.

What's the matter?

You're mad because people are worried about their kids.

You know, maybe someday you'll wake up and you won't be such a selfish pig.

Mimi, I have to leave early.

I'm not staying.

But my water just broke.

Well, step back.

These are new shoes.

Mimi, I really, really need your help.

Please?

Crap.

Why was I born with this big heart?

Go on.

Get out of here!

Hey, uh, since you're staying, maybe my four girlfriends

in a thumb can go out to dinner with pleasure-me Pete.

Attention, everyone.

There's been a severe thunderstorm warning.

This is to remind employees with family that they may go home to their loved ones.

Those of you without loved ones, like Kerry here, will

stay here and join me during this refreshing summer shower.

Ah, this sucks.

Just as we don't have kids, we get stuck here doing everything we need.

Yeah, tired of picking up the slack just because I choose to be single.

Choose, you say?

Yeah, I choose to be single the way you choose to be double.

Oh, man, we're losing power.

Ah, great.

Okay, you know the drill.

Get everybody together on the main sales floor.

I can't believe this is almost my last hour alive, probably.

I gotta spend it staring at you.

Thank you, God.

Okay.

This is it, everybody.

Power's out in the whole building.

Now, according to the manual, you have to lock down all the

registers, check the store for customers, and after that...

Here, tilt down, would you?

Take a head count of all the employees.

When we finish with that, we'll all be back here at the face.

Yeah, and when the flood starts, we can all march two by two into Drew's ass.

Hey, it's not my fault we're all stuck down here cowering like animals.

Stupid store policy.

I didn't write this junk.

Yeah, well, I think it's time we change it.

I say we burn this sucker down.

I got it.

Everybody else gets benefits around this place.

Parental leave, maternity leave, flux time.

And what did the single people get?

A big steaming bowl of Jack.

That's right, Mimi, and it's not even fresh Jack.

So what are the single people gonna do about it, huh?

Stop being so damn choosy and settle down.

I say we form a new kind of union.

A union that no one's ever thought of before.

A union made up of nothing but single people.

Yeah!

Boom!

Yee-haw!

I hate to admit it, but I think the pig's got a good idea.

It's just what we need.

Thank you, Mimi.

We should give Drew the credit and we should make me the president.

Yeah!

Wait a second.

It's my idea.

I should be the president.

You'll screw it all up.

I know what I'm doing.

I come from a long line at truckers.

We don't care what you did on your break, Mimi.

Just humor the big baby and we'll have an election tomorrow night and then you can

humiliate him publicly and vote me most popular.

I mean, union president.

Well, well.

What do we have here?

An unauthorized union rally.

Hey, where's Kate O'Brien?

She must be back at her workstation.

Working.

I'm not.

I'm right here.

You brought this on yourself, Wick.

Mr. Wick.

Mr. Wick.

You abuse people and they're going to fight back.

We're forming a union and there's nothing you can do about it.

What's that?

Tornado siren.

I move and continue this meeting in the basement.

All in favor, run for your lives.

You go ahead with this union carry.

You'll never get a promotion.

I'll shut down this door when pigs fly.

Yeah.

There goes a cow.

I suppose under the circumstances I could count that.

Apparently everybody got out okay, but your store is a real mess.

Says here it's going to be closed for three days.

Yeah, I drove by this morning looking for my mom's laundry.

And the laundry room.

And my mom.

Hey, you're still going through that singles rally tonight, aren't you Drew?

Because Lewis and I thought we should really be there.

To support you.

You know, if we do come to this meeting, should we bring some, you know, protection?

This isn't a mixer, Lewis.

Even if it was, protection from what?

Being by yourself?

Awful, high and mighty for a guy who had to create an entire union just to meet women.

I did not.

I'm the president of I'm going to get me some union.

Oh, my God, that's uncanny.

That's Drew.

That's who I was doing.

I'm going to get me some.

I'm going to get me some.

I'm going to get me some.

Kind of doubt it.

You know, that's what gives singles a bad name.

You know, it's not just about get me some.

Being single is a great life.

You're only responsible for yourself.

You get to read a good book every Saturday night.

I swear to God, I couldn't get any better.

You look like you're going to cry.

Shut up, it'll pass.

Larry, what are you doing here?

Working a cubicle and this is your house?

Nice life.

Look, me and the other employees with kids just had a real angry meeting at Chuck E.

Cheese.

They sent me over here to tell you that if your crappy

union ruins even one of our benefits, you're out of there.

Just a second, kids!

Hey, listen, Almana, you don't come to my house and threaten me.

You do it at work like everyone else.

You don't know how to do it.

How hard it is to work and to still find time for your family.

I treasure those few moments I get to hold those precious bundles in my arms.

That's it!

I warned you!

Now we're going back to Chuck E.

Cheese and I swear to God I'm going to kill that rat!

Oh, this stinks.

I tried to do something nice and now half the store hates me.

Now, I might as well just give it up anyway.

No one knows what I'm trying to do.

Hey, we're all victims of this single's crap.

It's like when I call in late and they go, oh, I'll party in all night, huh?

But someone with a kid calls in, it's, oh, is the baby sick?

What, are you going to have a kid to get sympathy?

Isn't it just as poignant to be up vomiting

all night because you've mixed vodka and gin?

Next time, it's life-size.

All right, that's it.

This rock might as well have been the Dolly Madison pie they worked on my head

when I was running for president of the chess club back in high school.

Remember what I did then?

Ate the pie.

After that, I went after him.

I took him to the whole chess club by myself.

By the time I got done, there was retainers and broken black glasses everywhere.

I remember that fight.

That was a funny fight.

It wasn't funny for them.

They learned you push Drew Carey once, he backs down.

You push him twice, he gets angry.

You push him three times, he rolls about a ball.

You push him times four through ten, you get a

combination between playing possum and name calling.

You've given up patience to push him eleven times.

Boy, there's trouble because he gets his mother.

And let me tell you something, you push Mrs. Carey once.

Is anyone still here?

Can I help anyone?

No.

Good.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Ugly.

Shroking.

Broken.

Mr. Wick.

I lived with the wrong dad.

Oh, but sir, they're just... The poor souls.

The wind.

Blew their privates right off.

Have you been here all night?

Yeah.

Oh.

Okay.

Why don't I just go get something?

No, no, don't leave me.

Take me home with you.

Wow.

You must be really messed up.

Oh, man.

This is so great.

All these women are single.

And they can't lie to you.

They wouldn't be here if they weren't single.

One of them tried to switch her ring to her other finger.

But we got her.

What's that cologne you're wearing?

Ah, desperation.

I think you put too much on.

What's that scent you smell of?

Look, it's, uh...

It's kind of nice.

You like it?

It's called Why Am I Talking to Somebody I Already Know.

Hey, have you guys been talking to people?

Because I've been talking to people.

And it looks like I'm going to lose this thing.

Got a gut feeling, huh?

No, they told me you're going to lose this thing.

Drew, we can't let Mimi win.

I'm pushing you as the perfect singles candidate.

Just go with me.

Hi, Sally.

Thanks for being here.

Joe, your divorce finally came through.

Welcome to our side.

Vote for Carrie.

He'll never marry.

Great slogan, Kate.

Thanks.

Drew Carey, never had it, never will.

Just keep pumping out those great slogans, don't you?

Yeah.

Mary, glad to see you here.

Really need your support.

Drew Carey, who date him?

You'd have to be drunk.

Let me see those buttons for a second.

Drunk.

Hey!

Long time no see.

Give it up, pig.

Hey, look, it's the Rainbow Coalition.

Before we start, I just want you to know it's going to be a fair fight.

May the best man or woman win.

Okay, I'm feeling pretty good.

Let's start the voting.

Okay, everybody, can I have your attention?

Now, we've all been here to meet the candidate's beer busts.

You played the Singles Union beer softball game.

You've been to the issue's beer chili cook -off.

It's been a beer-filled busy day.

All right, now, all in favor of Mimi, as the new president

of the Winford Louder Singles Union, raise your hand.

Got it.

All in favor of me, Drew Carey, the guy who hired you.

Got it.

What is it?

It's a tie.

You're my best friend and it's a tie?

Wait a minute, I forgot to vote.

My best friend, it's a tie.

Wait a second.

Wait.

If I could get some concessions from Mr. Wick,

how many of you would consider a revote?

Hello?

Mr. Wick?

The single employees demand flexible hours.

Less overtime and equal dibs on the vacation time.

Uh-huh.

He says... Yes!

Wait a second.

Don't fall for that.

It's one of her stupid tricks.

Oh, you don't believe me?

Whose voice is that?

Oh, my gosh.

It's Mr. Wick's voice.

I don't know why he's singing I'm a little teapot, but it's Mr. Wick's voice.

That's all we ever wanted.

Which means we don't need a union anymore.

Which means we can open the bar a minute early.

I still don't understand why animals attack.

I'm going to grab a couple beers and console Drew.

You guys want anything?

No.

Good.

You mean anyone interesting?

No.

You?

Nah.

The whole thing felt kind of hollow.

I heard this one guy say, Hey, can I check your union label?

No, I got a better one.

I heard a guy say, Hey, what do you say we boycott our clothes?

Then what happened?

And then I said, Hey, what do you say we boycott our clothes?

Smooth.

Thank you.

Well, you know, the good part is Kate was going to vote for you.

So you would have been president, in theory.

I'm lying here next to a woman, in theory.

Want a beer?

Yeah.

Hey, you think we're ever not going to be single?

You and me?

We'll find somebody.

I worry about Kate and Oswald, though.

You know what I worry about?

I worry that sometimes when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain.

And eventually it's going to kill me.

I'll tell you what, when I find somebody, we'll invite you over for the holidays.

Say, Mommy just had a thought.

Let's pretend that you're a big movie star and I need your autograph.

Sure.

Why does it say authorization?

That's the name of the movie, dunce.

Sorry, sorry.

Keep signing.

The faster you sign, the faster we'll get to Tubby Time.

Tubby Time again?

I'm going to be the cleanest man in the world.