Original subtitles

Anyway, congratulations, Smith.

Not even a year, and you're off to our annual management training seminar in Hawaii.

You must feel good about that.

Then again, you must always feel good.

You're as fit as a fiddle.

Look at you!

Now, Carrie, if there's not too much of a strain on your heart, waddle over to the

benefits department and process Smith's paid leave.

And no grazing by the vending machine.

You know, sir, I thought maybe I could go to Hawaii this year.

You know, I was hoping to try out my new Speedos, my tanning lotion.

Oh, I get it.

You use the tanning lotion to get into the Speedos.

Well, you'll have to do it somewhere else other than Hawaii because you're not going.

But, sir, last year you said maybe this year.

Well, you should know by now, Carrie, when I say maybe, it means no.

With maybe next year, huh?

Thank you, sir.

Hey.

Hey, can't guess what?

In the broadest sense of the term, I just had sex.

Drew, you're not going to Hawaii again.

I'm sorry.

I don't care about going to Hawaii.

I got Baywatch tapes.

I got takeout.

You know what really kills me?

Everybody knows the guy who goes to Hawaii is

the next guy to get the next big promotion.

So who are they sending?

Some pretty boy named Smith.

You know, he looks fit and energetic.

Survey just assumes that he's the best man for the job.

I'm a big guy, so they just assume that I'm slowing out of shape.

You know, Drew, a lot of big things are fast.

Dampening elephants, jumbo jets, the bus and speed.

Okay.

Are you done comparing me to massive things?

Carrie, I need a copy of this report.

Chop, chop.

Now, I need you to run down to the...

What am I thinking?

Oh, Brian, run this down to the copy room, will you?

I'll do that, sir.

Time me.

Carrie, this is a watch, not a calendar.

Oh, yeah?

Here we go.

Wow, is he fast and not that big.

Okay, much like tropical fish, I believe he'd grow to the size of his environment.

The only reason he's not bigger is because his cubicle isn't bigger.

Here you go, sir.

Two copies.

Well, it took me a few seconds and I feel great.

Hey, what's that over there?

Not bad, Carrie.

Perhaps you're in better shape than I thought.

This is gone, sir.

Never mind.

Well, on the other hand, running up and down

the hall, how did he get you in a Wheaties box?

Oh, darn, it's empty.

I'll fill that, sir.

What do you want?

The red top or the blue top?

I should call a doctor now.

Let me see.

Sorry to interrupt while Drew shows you how much water he can retain.

But you forgot to sign these important papers.

Oh, right here you forgot to dot an I.

Oh, and on this one, here's a C that kind of looks like an E.

Oh, and in here, this is a G that looks like a J.

No, that's clearly a G.

No!

No, it's a J.

No, it's a G.

No, no, no, no, it's a J.

It's a G!

You can see it's a G from here, even with all

the sparkly things and stars shooting out of it.

The reason the bottle's empty is because the water cooler's broken.

Ha!

It's my wife found it was a store nurse and she was hammered.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm in the worst shape of my life.

You know, they're right.

I can't even lose a few pounds.

I don't deserve a trip to Hawaii or a promotion.

Come on, Drew, so you're not Mr. Universe.

You're not in that bad a shape.

Hello?

It's your feet calling.

Long time, no sea.

Okay.

You're right.

It is getting bigger.

Damn, my hair thickening shampoo.

Where'd you get that stuff anyway?

Oh, it worked.

Doug Coase tested it on hamsters.

That's a hamster?

Oh, my God.

And look at the size of my hands.

Hey.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, have a beer.

It's full size.

It just looks puny in my giant hands.

Hey, what's with the beer?

You guys are supposed to be helping me lose weight.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we talked about it and we decided it would be

easier just to have the rest of the world get patter.

I'm serious this time.

I got a whole program worked out.

Step number one, no more lettuce on my cheeseburgers.

See, it's the rough edge that blocks the meat from falling out.

So, what's the cheese for?

The cheese opens the door.

Why don't you just join a gym?

It's not a good enough shape to join a gym.

I don't want anybody to see me like this.

Problem is, where do guys like me go?

I think we're there.

And this will be my gym.

Got to have a word with my trainer.

Hey, bartender.

Hey, give me a water.

Ah, make a light beer.

Ah, what the hell?

It's a light beer.

Make it three.

Your friend, take it from a guy who had the same problem.

Switching a light beer ain't gonna help you lose weight.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Have one on me.

Tim, give this guy a big, frosty mug and mind your own damn business.

Let me show you something.

That's how fat I was a year ago.

Who's that behind you?

That's my neck.

Wow, how'd you do it?

Well, I used to be a pharmacist.

Oh, speed, huh?

No, no.

Believe me, I tried every diet and gimmick in the world, but nothing worked until I

figured out how to make my cravings work for me.

That's when I came up with the beer diet.

Yeah, I got one until you drink, you pass out, you don't eat for two days.

Good times, good times.

No, what I did was, I added vitamins.

Then I came up with my own blockers to stop the carbs in

the beer from turning into sugar, which turns into fat.

I call it... Vita beer.

Oh, beer diet.

Wow.

How much is it for these babies, huh?

Well, 50 bucks a bottle at the stores, but, uh,

I don't know, I could give it to you for 45.

Well, how long does it last?

So it depends on how much you drink.

We can't afford that.

Okay, maybe we can work in a different way.

I need to take some before and after pictures of

Vita Beer's success stories to show to investors.

How about I give you the pills it costs and you

let me take a picture of you without a shirt on?

Hold on, did you just be the swim coach at the Lakewood Community Center?

Don't worry, nobody's gonna see these pictures

except for potential investors and clients.

One year ago, huh?

I'll tell you what, give me the first bottle for free, you got yourself a deal.

Here, this is my card.

Call me on Monday, we'll set up a photo shoot.

A photo shoot, huh?

You don't have to climb on a horse, do I?

Because I have allergies.

Hey guys, look, I just got a new diet.

You lose weight just by freaking beer.

And this is my first workout.

Feel the burn.

Feel smaller already?

That's just because you're sitting next to Lewis' head.

Hey, my head's not that big.

All the places to use that shampoo, why my head?

Hey there, sweet cheeks, cut me off a piece of that.

Wow, diet must be working.

It's all thanks to Vita Beer.

Tell your friend.

Hey, Sam, it's been good.

Yeah, it's only been two weeks.

Wow, I could have stopped traffic if I would have worn my bicycle pants.

Gerald, what's all the honking about?

Say hello to the honking.

Why would they be honking at you?

Hey, Stanley, I like it.

Isn't it obvious?

Why do women go to a Brad Pitt movie?

I'm shaking my money maker out here.

I'm the maker for change.

Look,

even guys are gonna go.

You know what else?

I think I might have found an ab this morning.

Drew.

What?

Look behind you.

Why?

Somebody check me out from behind?

No.

Turn around and look up.

Look up at what?

Whoa, look at the gun.

And of all the nerve, put my head on my dad's body.

Saw the billboard.

It wasn't my idea.

That picture is only supposed to be seen by potential investors.

Well, who'd guess that a guy that makes something called Vitabear would lie to you?

You know, holding a horn like that, it kind of looks like the Partridge Family bus.

Yeah, yeah, hurt destroyed anyway.

You're already helping people to lose weight, because just this morning,

I saw a bunch of them throwing up right in front of your billboard.

Well, what are you wearing?

Oh, I packed my head in ice.

Yeah, I figured that growth was just due to swelling.

A couple more hours and I'll...

sometimes he freezes up.

Be right as rain.

Aren't you embarrassed to walk around town with that thing in your head?

Don't worry about it.

That's why I wore the mask.

Well, thanks a lot for coming by, but there's

nothing you can say to make me feel any better.

Oh, yeah?

You remember that teacher who said you'd never be famous being fat and dumb?

Looks like you got a call to make.

And, you know, more people in America look like you

than, you know, the way they really want to look.

Yeah, you know, people are probably honking because they're proud to see

someone secure enough to pose like that, huh?

They're not laughing, honking, pointing, and making snide remarks at you.

They're laughing, honking, pointing, and making snide remarks with you.

You know, you're right.

And if one of you gives me another compliment, I'm not going to punch you in

the face and go to the emergency ward with you.

All right, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Excuse me, I'm here about the sales position.

Oh, yeah, hi.

Drew Carey.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, you're the guy on the billboard, aren't you?

Yeah, just, uh, have a seat.

Get down to business here.

You know, I looked at your resume, and, boy, you know, you seem to have a lot

of sales experience, and people have a lot of eyecess.

Hey, eyes up here, buddy.

Come on, lift your shirt up.

I want to tell my wife I touched it.

No, that's it.

It brings all the debt out of here.

Come on, let's go.

Just a little one on the side, huh?

Mr. Wick!

Mr. Wick!

What is it, Mimi?

Drew's too fat to do his job.

I was afraid it might come to this.

Look, I know about the billboard, and I'm sorry,

but I'm afraid you're gonna have to get it down.

I can't take it down.

I called the owner of Ida Bear.

He says there's nothing I can do.

I signed a release, and I have no, uh, recourse.

Well, I have a bigger problem.

Well, when people pitch in a Winford Louder employee, we'd like them to think

of someone who might be around for the next 10 years.

Sir, that's smacks of looks-ism.

Don't talk to me about looks-ism.

How many times have I not been taken seriously because I'm too damn good -looking?

Mr. Riddle, sir?

Get the billboard down, carrier.

I'll be forced to give you a position where

you don't have to interface with the public.

You mean... That's right!

Night basement guy.

Ooh, tough spot to be in, pig.

I've been in tougher.

Let me tell you something.

One way or the other, that billboard's coming down by tomorrow.

Yeah, well, that's why I had this made for the board of director's luncheon.

Paul,

it's the ice pig.

Oh, my God.

This thing is huge.

No one's ever seen underneath Drew's stomach.

It's like the other side of the moon.

I read that one day, people will live on Drew's stomach.

Or everybody just shut up.

We gotta hurry up and tear this thing down before anybody sees us.

Hey, Lewis, why don't you cover us with your enormous head?

All right, okay, all right.

You had your fun, okay?

Turns out it was just a figment of my imagination.

So no more side effects or after effects?

No, no, they tested the shampoo and a couple of horses and they're fine.

What are you people doing up here?

What are you doing up here?

Somebody left a message on my machine telling me

you were gonna tear down the billboard tonight.

Oh, somebody hugged and had the guts to leave their name?

Mimi Bobak.

She works with you.

She said to say hi.

You guys are in a lot of trouble.

As soon as I fix this thing, I'm calling the cops.

What the hell?

Is that a flap or a gill or...

All right, buddy.

Now I'm gonna show you what it's like to be

humiliated in front of everybody in Cleveland.

Oswald Lewis, grab his arm.

Come on, hey, get out!

Good.

Hey, don't listen to him, Drew.

There's plenty of stuff on you that doesn't look good.

No, no, no, I'm serious.

That's two years of pre-medic dermatology.

That mole looks suspicious.

Now, why don't you let me down and I'll take a look at it.

Yeah, right, buddy.

This is for every chubby kid who's ever been

humiliated in a school like bullies like you.

Cheese!

She has a stupid beer diet, pal.

See you shrink.

You guys, we gotta get going.

There's some cars coming.

Oh!

Maybe I should have that mole looked at.

Hey, Drew, it's just like your real stomach.

I hope you ate some cheese so you can open the door and let the farmer out.

Mimi, when would I find Kelly?

Um, wherever women are crying.

Sir?

I need some of the pension files.

I don't know where Carrie put them.

Oh, they're right here.

Are you sure we should invade his privacy like this?

Oh, well, if you don't think... Just a formality covering my arse, Kelly.

Mimi, if you can hear this, it's already too late.

Told you we shouldn't have done this!

Amateur.

Okay, let's see.

Ordinarily, it's the red wire first to diffuse.

That's the story of Carrie's life.

Either it goes off too early or it doesn't go off at all.

What's the matter, Mimi?

Computer crash?

Nice one, Drew.

One of your best.

Why so late, pig?

I went to the doctor to check out an abnormal growth.

Are you okay?

Better than okay.

Turns out the mole was nothing and I had a complete physical.

I finally have actual proof that I am in great shape.

In fact, I'm so happy, I'm gonna set you up again.

Hey, Mimi, just went to the doctor to check out an abnormal growth.

Oh, well, why didn't you just do what your mom did and call it Drew?

You know, I never thought I'd be happy to see your face again,

but after that little scare, it's amazing how nothing's changed.

Beat it, clowny.

Hey, Drew, everything okay at the doctor?

Just a normal mole.

Man, you're lucky.

I knew a guy at Drug Co.

who had a growth.

They removed it and found out his entire body was ravaged by spiders.

I heard it was a giant cactus filled with spiders.

I heard it was a woman's behalf hairdo.

I heard it was Richard Gere.

The point is, I'm in great shape, I deserve

a promotion, and I'm gonna get it right now.

Mr. Wick!

Yes, can I?

Next time a trip to Hawaii comes up, I wanna have it.

How's this afternoon sound?

Like you're inking my chain.

No, no, I mean it.

Here's your ticket.

Smith's coming back early.

In fact, he'll be waiting for you at the airport.

Oh, couldn't handle the pressure, huh?

Apparently not.

He's dead.

Oh, my God.

How'd he die?

Heart attack.

He might have lived, but apparently, they had difficulty getting the shot of

adrenaline through his highly developed pecs.

Doctor was told me I had the perfect chest for a rib spreader.

So, Mr. Wick, I hope this tragedy has proved to you that people who appear

physically fit aren't necessarily the best ones for the job.

But I like strong, healthy-looking people.

Ugly people make me sad.

Well, don't you worry about it, Mr. Wick, because I'm going to prove you wrong.

I'm going to Hawaii, I'm going to that seminar.

I'm going to prove to you that I'm the best management

executive material this store has ever seen.

Oh, no, the seminar's over.

You just have to go there, put the ticket on the

casket, collect the body, and come back here.

Well, just exactly how long am I going to be there?

Two hours.

Just enough time to check out the beautiful beaches and get back to the airport.

Traffic permitting?

Oh, that's okay.

I can't go in the sun anyway.

Because of my mole.

Never mind.

There's plenty of other things to enjoy.

In fact, you and Smith will be changing planes at Tampa and Minneapolis Aloha.

Hey, I get to take a date, guys, through three airports.

Gotta buy some film.

This is me and Smith in Hawaii.

He's the one in the box.

This is me and Smith in Tampa.

He's the one in the box.

This is me and Smith in Minneapolis.

I'm the one in the box.

We were horsing around.

Will you stop looking at these now?

Your vacation pictures are keeping me out.

I wonder what happened to that Vitabear guy.

Heard he went out of business.

Oh, so I guess they took that billboard down, huh?

Yeah, I heard they put up another one yesterday.

Thank God.

Hey, Drew, what's this letter here from New Lifestyles Cruises?

It looks like a check.

Ah, must be a mistake.