Original subtitles

You want to see me, Drew?

Yeah, Hank, come on in and have a seat.

So how are things on the security beam?

Oh, I can't complain.

You know, I'm just a foot soldier in the war on shoplifting.

Yeah, so listen, Hank, remember last week when I fired you?

I just wanted to call you in to remind you that you're fired.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, Hank.

Come on, listen, you've got to stop coming into work.

You're making the new guy nervous.

It's his hat.

You've got to give it back.

Well, you may have fired me, Drew, but you see, I'm not really fired.

It takes two people to do a firing, and I didn't agree.

Besides, I've got a wife to support.

I thought you were divorced.

Well, she's divorced.

I'm not.

Hank, please, you know, I don't like to do this, but it's my job.

Now, I had to fire you.

You were overzealous with all the customers.

No, I wasn't.

You told a 79-year-old woman to keep the cane over here and eat tile.

Hey, Drew, that's our policy.

Trust no one.

I mean, the minute you enter the store, you give up all your rights.

No, see, there's two things wrong with that.

First of all, that's not our policy, and second of all, you're fired!

Oh, no.

Hey, Drew, about that $10 out of you.

I'll pay you next week.

You said you're going to have it today.

Well, I don't have it.

I can't pay you money.

I don't have.

All right.

Let's see your wealth.

Excuse me?

Let's see if you have the money.

Open your wallet.

Hey, back off, old-timer, okay?

Open it.

No, open it.

Why am I arguing with you?

Weren't you fired?

Well, if I'm fired, then I'm not really here.

So it's going to be nobody kicking your ass all around this office in two minutes.

I'm not doing this because I'm afraid.

Yes, you are.

Okay.

Here, Hank.

Sign right here.

What for?

I'm transferring you over to collections.

You start tomorrow.

You can't do that to me.

I'm one of Sallie Mae Cosmetics' best reps.

Oh, yeah?

I'd like to see you try and repossess my makeup case.

You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands.

Hey, Mimi, I don't see Drew.

Is he here?

Trust me.

If he was here, you'd see him, no matter which way you look.

Now, get out of my face before I catch a bad case of the stupids.

Always a pleasure, ma'am.

Oh, wait a minute.

Uh, come back here.

Handsome and handsomer.

Hey, hold on.

Nobody calls us handsome.

This must be a trick.

Oh, I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

I thought you were two other idiots that I don't like.

It's not a trick.

Come on.

Well, as you know, I'm a sales rep for Sallie Mae Cosmetics.

More like a billboard.

Well, here's something you need.

A new line of cologne.

I can give it to you for ten bucks.

Oh, hey.

How come it says sample?

Oh, it doesn't.

It's French.

It's called Saint-Plé.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

Well, buy it now.

Get it cheap while the FDA drags its feet on approval.

Oh.

Oh, by the way, Sallie Mae is not responsible for loss of vision.

Kidney failure, birth defects, you know.

Hey, Kate.

Get ready to smell something wonderful.

I'm not gonna pull anything.

No, it's a French cologne called Saint -Plé.

Wait till you get a load of this.

Ever smell a cigar that's been sitting in a urinal?

Oh, I get it.

This is one of the pranks you're gonna play on Drew for his birthday.

Not bad.

But stand back, because this year I have outdone myself.

Oh, yeah.

I finally found a way to talk last year's Hey, Drew.

Look over there.

Oh, boy.

All right.

What do you have that's so great?

How about an entire day of practical jokes?

First, we're gonna reset his scale to make him think he's gained 30 pounds.

And then we're gonna let out his pants to make him think he lost 30 pounds.

There he comes.

Hey, guess what?

I'm getting a promotion.

Hey, congratulations.

Yeah, I'm gonna be the new regional personnel

director for all three Winford Lauder stores.

Hey, congratulations.

That's exactly how I want you to react when I actually get the promotion.

You see, we just had this meeting, and I offered

to update all the Winford Lauder training videos.

If I do a good job, I'm a shoo-in.

All I need now is an A-OK on the money.

Well, it's about time someone changed those training films.

They look like they were made in the 50s.

Yeah, I've seen those films.

They always got those guys with the skinny ties and the crew guns and the big glasses.

Well, I won't look so stupid when I'm regional personnel director.

For once, I'm gonna celebrate my birthday by getting ahead.

You know, since Denny's got rid of that free meal thing, I got nothing.

Hey, why don't you guys go down and watch without me?

I'll reach you down there and we'll celebrate.

All right, I'll get one.

Hello?

Oh, Ray, you have an answer for me on the money for those training videos?

What do you mean you have to inform me by registered mail?

You're two cubicles away.

Oh, yeah, well, how about this for company policy?

I can hit you with a stapler from here.

Oh, I got the money?

Thank you, sir.

By the way, after butt call, do you want your head back?

Hey, Drew, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure, sit down.

This is kind of hard for me to talk about, but I think my

boss might be coming on to me, and I'm not sure what to do.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

I was staring at your breasts.

This is sexual harassment, and I'm Drew Carey.

It's important to define what is and isn't appropriate behavior in the workplace.

The difference can be something as subtle as tone of voice.

For example...

Yes, ma'am, you wanted a package delivered?

Yeah, just one question.

Can I get it overnight?

No problem there.

But change the tone of voice and...

Yes, ma'am, you wanted a package delivered?

Yeah, just one question.

Can I get it overnight?

Um, I don't know.

If I can't get it overnight, can you guarantee it by morning?

Whoa, she stopped talking about a real package a long time ago.

Obviously, that crosses a line.

Another tricky area is physical contact.

In the course of a normal day, we touch many people.

Shaking hands, pat on the back, brushing Lynn off her shoulder,

all perfectly innocent.

But there's right touching and wrong touching.

Excuse me, your hair clip's falling out.

Right touching.

Excuse me, your hair clip's falling...

Oh, no.

Wrong touching.

Hey, buddy, you're fired.

It's important to remember that you have the right to put

a stop to this kind of behavior, even if it's your boss.

Good afternoon, Miss Boback.

I have a bottle of Rothschild 67 back at my place.

And I was wondering if you'd... Hold it, stop the camera.

Sir, what are you doing?

Connery.

Sean Connery.

That's very good, but I think it's important just

to keep things, you know, a little more real.

Oh, say no more, I'll do Michael Caine.

Older Burch, adore me, because I've got sensitive eyes and wavy hair.

Wow, you know, if you close your eyes, you think that was

Michael Caine himself throwing my promotion down the toilet.

All right, I'll do it your way.

Pardon me for having a range.

Try one more time.

About your race, Miss Boback, why don't I pick up some

wine and we go to a cheap motel to discuss this further?

Let's go to my place.

I got beers.

Hold it!

Amy, you're supposed to say no.

You try looking in those eyes and say no.

Okay, that's it.

I need some cooperation.

I got another video to shoot.

The store opens in an hour.

Amy, just do the line right this time.

Fine.

I'm sorry, sir, but your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable.

Yes, I think that'd be a little more convincing if you took your hand off my bum.

Just, uh, keep rolling.

We'll cut that out.

I will not go to your motel, but I will file a complaint against you.

And if that doesn't stop you, I can take you to court.

That's right.

Sexual harassment is a crime, and it's against

the law, and you don't have to take it.

You can sue, or if you have to, let your knee be the judge.

Shh, this is the best part.

This has been a Winfred Louder, Drew Carey production.

Very powerful, Drew.

I laughed, I cried, I fell to rest.

Ooh, I have to get to work.

I'm showing these to the board at 9 o 'clock, which means that they should be

carrying me on their shoulders to my new executive offices

by 10.30, which should be easy, because check this out.

My pants are loose.

I'm losing weight.

Losing weight, you say, huh?

How much have you lost?

Have you weighed yourself?

On your scale?

Well, what am I going to believe?

My pants are some silly scale.

I think I must have been that sit-up.

Guys, what's up the pranks?

It's not his birthday till tomorrow.

Oh, that's just a coming attraction.

Tamari wakes up in the little tiny bed.

Not bad, but my prank is going to blow yours away.

Check out what I did to Drew's office safety video.

Hi, I'm Drew Carey, and the next few minutes could save your life.

You know, a lot of people think that office safety is just a bunch of hot air.

Well, here at Winford Louder, we take it seriously.

Let's face it, accidents happen.

Oh, my God, where are the sounds?

I put in sounds.

I went to this guy's recording studio and put in funny sounds.

What do you mean, like snoring or train whistles or that

exciting sound a squirrel makes when you chase him around a pole?

What?

Worse, much worse.

And if I've got this tape, that means Drew has my tape.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for seeing me and for the opportunity to show you the next

generation of human resource training films.

What's wrong with the films we use now?

Well, all due respect, Mrs. Louder, kind of out of date.

I mean, nowadays, women are allowed to wear slacks, and men can have beards,

and the quote-unquote Nancy boys are now some of our best salesmen.

Mrs. Louder, I'm not going to make any bones about it.

I want Owen's job.

Kerry, I like this side of you.

Let me get it, Mrs. Louder.

Let me.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Hello?

Kerry, it's Kate O'Brien for you.

I can't believe she called me here.

Tell her I'll call her back.

Busy, bye.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, after seeing this, I'm

sure you'll view me in a whole new light.

Hi, I'm Drew Kerry.

And the next few minutes could save your life.

You know, a lot of people think that office safety is just a bunch of hot air.

Well, here at Winford Louder, we take it seriously.

Let's face it, accidents happen.

You'd be surprised how many happen right here in the office every day.

From your computer monitor to your pencil sharpener, danger lurks everywhere.

Uh-oh.

This could have been a real problem.

A little bit of a search projector could start an electrical fire.

Let me guess, Kerry.

You shot this after lunch.

I'm sorry, I'll turn it off right away.

Oh, Kerry, put a cork in it.

I'm enjoying this.

Scissors.

Letter openers.

Stapers.

Don't run with any of them.

Let's take a walk around the office and see if we can find any other hidden dangers.

For example, let me show you the right way

and the wrong way to pick up a water cooler.

Oh, no, not the water cooler.

Never bend at the waist.

Instead, let your lower body do the work.

Bend at the knees.

Slowly.

That feels good.

I don't think I ripped anything.

If you have any heart conditions, I should

warn you in the next scene I climb the ladder.

Don't worry!

But in birthday...

Oswald, Lewis, get out.

What do we do?

Maybe the laughing stock of the whole store.

That's what you did.

No one's ever going to take me seriously now.

There's no way in hell I'm going to get the promotion.

What, did you think that was going to be funny?

Well, it would have been if you played it at your party like you were supposed to.

You?

You did this to me?

Look, Drew, this will all blow over.

Just put it behind you and don't look back.

Don't play Kate for ruining your presentation.

She was just trying to keep up with us.

Oh, great.

What kind of hell are you guys going to put me through?

I better not wake up with another naked dummy in my mother.

Don't worry, buddy.

After all you've been through, we've called off all the rest of the pranks.

Yeah, all right.

You know, I've got to figure out a way to

get back some respect so I can get that job.

Or at least get people to quit following me around with matches.

Why don't you guys just go to lunch without me?

I've been munching on this all day.

Okay, buddy.

Okay.

If you don't think that's an improvement, you're wrong.

Blowing out your butt when it's not busy.

Look, did you come in here just to make the worst day of my life worse?

Or do you have something work-related to discuss?

Well, face it.

You're not going nowhere.

You're going to be in this cubicle forever.

You better start sucking up to the kid in the mail room with the dead eyes,

because he's going to be moving up to the top of this company before you.

No, he won't, damn it.

Judy?

Yeah, put Mrs. Louder on.

It's Drew Carey.

Drew?

And personnel?

Yeah, that's right.

Gassy Carey.

Oh, Mrs. Louder?

Yeah.

Listen, I know you're in the middle of a big meeting, but I insist...

No, I am asking if I can come down and address

the board for just a couple of minutes.

No, I don't have any more funny videos.

Thank you.

Show that kid in the mail room.

Today is not just my birthday.

Today is the day I show Winford Louder that I am no fool.

Ah, damn it!

I was holding Lewis.

How could you leave that cake in your truck all morning?

You knew it was made of tofu.

Well, Drew didn't seem to notice, and what's the problem if it got a little warm?

The problem is, wherever Drew just went, he's armed

with about a quart of spoiled bean curd in his belly.

Hi,

good afternoon, and just thanks for seeing me.

Are you going to burp the alphabet today?

No, no, not.

Actually, yesterday just wasn't one of my better days.

Somebody played A Child Is Prank on me, but, you know, you have my word that

something like that is never ever going to happen again.

So, you know, this is crazy.

Here I am trying to ask you to take me seriously, and what I should be doing is

showing you my record, which is down in my office.

I'll be back in just ten minutes.

Mr. Carey, don't move.

If you have something to say, say it now.

Okay, if I'm going to stay, then I'm going to sit,

because I always wanted to sit in one of these chairs.

Okay, then.

Let's cut to the chase.

I think I'm qualified for this job, and I think I deserve it.

Notwithstanding that little prank, which pretty much blew up in your face,

we think you're the man for the job.

Oh my God, really?

You're kidding.

You are our new regional manager.

All right, well, thank you.

Entitled only, and only for the next 30 days.

We're closing one of our stores, and the other

one's accidentally burning down next month.

You're getting a new parking space, a token raise, and a hearty pat on the back.

I wouldn't do that.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Well, I guess there's nothing else for me to do but to rush out of here and prove to

you that you chose the right man for the job, huh?

Here I go.

The boardroom looks great.

Those new ceiling tiles?

Because, boy, let me tell you...

How about those cavaliers, huh?

Did someone get the door for me?

Harry, you dropped your wallet.

It's yours.

Thank you.

Minimum wage.

Minimum wage plus five cents, thank you.

You're from UPS?

No, ma'am.

I'm with Global Parcel.

Oh, good.

Let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

Just get it to Spain.

Well, actually, Global only serves Ohio and Indiana, but I can get it to the

Pennsylvania border, and then we can give it over to World Wide Parcel.

And they can get it to Spain?

No, they can get it to Jersey.

Then we give it to Universal.

They're the big boys.

They can get it to Bermuda.

And then what?

Well, do you know anybody in Bermuda?