Original subtitles

Look, you guys are the best Christmas elves I've ever had, but I can't afford to

pay you more than ten bucks an hour this year.

I'm really sorry.

It's fifteen dollars, or we walk.

I'm trying to be fair here.

I mean, who gets you guys benefits?

Who gets you off-season work?

And here you are, trying to cut me off at the knees.

I didn't mean it that way, and you know it.

Yeah, I know it, Drew.

And I'm sure the management's not just trying to get fat.

Oh, and I didn't mean it that way.

And you know it.

Look, how about eleven bucks an hour?

But you have to know that means I'm screwing over the Easter Bunny.

Yeah, like he brings in the kids.

Wow, eleven bucks an hour?

We'll do it for that.

Hey, look, giraffe boy.

The job description says, elf.

Now, metal midget?

That's another story.

Hey!

Hold on, there's no problem here.

My friends aren't competing for your jobs.

I mean, look at them.

Now you're just being a hattest.

Oh, that's me.

Okay, guys, we got it.

Let's go.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where are you going?

I told Saks to call at the meet-up price of fifteen an hour.

And I'm hoping they'll pay us under the table.

Shut up.

Well, well, well.

Ha, ha, ha.

Suddenly we don't look so tall, huh, Drew?

Man, I need somebody right away.

We could use the extra Christmas cash.

What do you say?

What, are you serious?

Okay, I got the jobs.

Is this one catch?

Whoa.

Looks like we're gonna be sexy elves.

Something wrong, sir?

Tell me something, Kerry.

What are some of the more imaginative ways I fire people?

Well, the price is right of your fire.

It is pretty novel.

And who could ever forget the famous halftime show you put

on for the guy who called in a sick from the Ohio State game?

Two, four, six, eight.

Who'll be living off the state?

It's you.

It's you.

It's you.

Better days, Kerry.

Better days.

I haven't told anyone this, but I went to Fire Hutchison this morning, and I...

I just didn't have the old stuff.

You mean you didn't fire them?

Ha, ha, ha.

Don't get me wrong, I fired them all right.

But afterwards, I didn't run over to the window and

enjoy the inevitable temper tantrum in the parking lot.

I just sat there, cradling my water balloon, thinking, what's the point?

Well, it's funny you should bring that up now, sir, because I've come up with a

system for downsizing that's less random and more humane.

See, here's what we do.

We take the employee's number of days missed multiplied by the number of days

late divided by seniority plus the number of customer complaints.

Okay.

Use your formula to reduce the workforce by three

percent, or it's back to the finger of fate.

Can we factor in stupid glasses and see who that knocks out?

Why, Birkbeck, sometimes you're just plain evil.

Why, thank you, sir.

Here's a question I don't want to answer to.

Are you just flirting with him?

Fight me, giant drummer boy.

Oh, by the way, here's your invitation to the office Christmas party.

Thanks.

Who are you bringing?

I'll pause here for your dignity.

Don't worry about me.

I got my eye on somebody.

Who's your date?

Putting a skirt on your dog?

You know, you really know how to hurt a guy, Mimi.

You know, you're tapping into a lot of pain and vulnerability here.

No, no, I'm serious.

I'm not setting you up.

I'm all alone for the holidays.

It's really bringing me down.

Oh, knock it off.

Nobody's believing you.

Ooh, boo, hoo, hoo.

Those the weasel.

Hey, good looking.

Hey, Drew.

I actually was talking to the cake.

Congratulations, Lisa.

Hard to believe she's getting married, huh?

I guess some couples are just meant to be, I guess.

Wow.

Drew, I'm really proud of you.

I mean, throwing Lisa a wedding shower, for God's sake, that's really classy.

Well, I'm glad she's getting married.

I mean, she doesn't spring chicken anymore.

What is she, 70?

Drew, who are we talking about?

Lisa, in appliances.

No, the person that's getting married is Lisa, Lisa, your ex-girlfriend.

Lisa?

My Lisa?

Oh, oh, my God, Drew.

I thought you knew.

You're not still attached to her, are you?

No, I'm not attached to my Lisa at all.

Oh, man.

Just get out of here.

I'll handle this.

Be sure I could use a friend right now.

Drew, leave the cake.

Lisa, there you are.

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks.

Come here, Drew.

Listen, I just want to tell you, I'm really touched.

You know, if the tables were turned and you were getting

married, I don't know if I could be so cool about it.

And here you are, throwing me and Trent a party.

Trent?

You're marrying Trent in men's furnishings?

That's what I said when I first heard about it.

Here I am, still saying it.

Hey, let's open my gifts.

Oh, look, you guys, this one's from church.

I think I got you the wrong size.

Let me just take that back.

Don't be silly.

Do you know my size?

Though things may be sagging and your sex drive is

lagging, I'll still be bragging what a hot number you were.

Come on, I wouldn't be that insensitive.

Gotta prefer...

I can't believe Lisa's getting married only three months after we broke up.

How could that happen so fast?

Buddy, take it from me.

The best thing to do is just to wish her well and move on.

Like the time you tried to run over your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend?

Hey, if she didn't want to get hit, she shouldn't

have been weaving all over her front lawn like that.

Hey, guys.

You guys are worn out.

That damn Santa's been riding us all day.

You know, we shouldn't have to put up with this garbage on our second jobs.

I mean, we've been busting our homes all day, picking

up kids, giving them candy canes, and what do we get?

Mommy, mommy, the giant bean is grabbing me.

Hello.

What's for you?

Who is it?

Santa.

How did he know we'd be at your house?

He knows when you were sleeping.

He knows when you were awake.

Hello.

Yes, I'll accept the charges.

Yes, Santa.

No, Santa.

Sorry, Santa.

What is it?

Santa's one phone caller.

Apparently, he woke up in the parking lot of the Capri Lounge in a bad way.

He wants us to bail him out?

Yeah, yeah.

But the good news is, we might see ourselves on cops.

Oh, yeah.

Good move, Bec.

You're here.

I need you to distribute the Christmas bonuses.

Oh, sure.

A tree will be planted in your name for the tree foundation.

Where do all those trees go, anyway?

No, pretty much around my house.

I'm landscaping.

So, Mr. Wick, are you excited about the Winford Ladder Christmas party?

Sadly, I don't have a date.

You know, I just had a crazy thought.

If you're not doing anything... Yes?

That'd be my guard.

We'll talk later.

Damn.

I was so close, he was going to ask me to the party.

I just know it.

Oh, I'm tingling all over.

Oh, holy night.

All right.

So, where was I looking for?

Oh, yeah.

A place to throw up.

Oh, gee.

And I did something nice for you.

I ran your firing program through the computer,

and the first two lucky firees are on their way up.

You said both guys up at once?

I can't fire two people at the same time.

It's going to be horrible.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What was I looking for?

Oh, yeah.

A way to screw you.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, hi, Stan.

Listen, I have a seat.

I just got to tell somebody to wait in the lobby.

Thank you, time.

I was just smoking in the lounge anyway.

Yeah, I know.

It's against the rules.

Hey, my formula works.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Trent.

There's my Lisa's fiancé.

What are you doing up here?

Well, Mimi said you wanted to see me.

Mimi.

Hey, listen, by the way, thank you for the wedding gift.

For an ex-boyfriend, you are really cool.

Oh, hey, Stan.

What, Drew called you up here, too, huh?

Uh-huh.

Are we employees of the month?

Actually, Trent, I called you up here to tell you what a great job you're doing.

Oh, keep up the good work.

Oh, cool.

I'd like to stick around and chat, but I think I might have left my register open.

Hey, why are you down here?

Would you close mine, too?

Yeah, sure, Stan.

See you later, Drew.

Thanks.

Oh, man.

So, Stan, I bet you're wondering why I called you up here.

All right.

I know a guy who can get you some stuff, but you've got to pay up front.

First, let me thank you for making this moment so much easier.

Secondly, how'd you like to stay home and smoke all day long?

Oh, man.

I would love that.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Look, Santa, we're bringing the kids in and out as fast as we can.

You kick me in the ass one more time and I quit.

Yeah, and stop calling me the dumb one.

The dumb one has a name.

It's Oswald.

Hey, look, for 11 months out of the year, I'm just a fat old man.

But for one month, I'm king.

This is my time.

Now bring in another kid, and this time, no wetlands.

The next kid that cuts the cheese on Santa gets five bucks, pass it on.

Hey, Elfie, right here.

Hey, don't take a picture of me doing that.

I could lose my job in New Rock.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

No, no, this is the one.

Now I got proof here that Santa's a jackass.

Okay, come on, guys.

Stand here.

Stand here.

Come on, Santa's nose looks like a road map.

Look at that, huh?

Break it up, break it up.

Jeez, I didn't know Santa's village needed a bouncer.

Hey, dude.

Hey, oh, Melissa, I'm glad to see you.

Come on, we need to talk.

Okay, but first let me thank you.

Trent said you told him what a great job he's doing.

You didn't have to do that.

You know, the one thing you never failed to do is surprise me.

Well, here we go again.

I called him up to fire him.

What?

Hold on, let me explain.

See, I came up with this totally objective formula

to determine which employees deserve to be fired.

Oh, sure, and somehow coincidentally it pointed to the man that I'm going to marry?

No, the coincidence is you're about to marry

one of the two guys who sucks at his job.

You're jealous!

I am not.

All right, fine.

If you're not jealous, then sit down with him and

tell him what he needs to do to save this job.

Okay, I'll talk to him, but this is not about jealousy.

You know, I haven't exactly been sitting at home since we broke up.

I got dumped by a married woman, had a couple of uncomfortable dates,

and there are several very attractive women who, in a moment of weakness,

or after just the right number of drinks, might possibly consider going out with me.

So don't you feel sorry for Drew Carey?

Drew, I need some petty cash for Santa.

He wants a bucket of chicken, a carton of smokes, and some medicine from Al's liquor.

I'm not buying Santa booze.

Come on, Drew, you can fire him tomorrow.

Right now, the guy's in a bad way.

Santa's starting to leave Las Vegas, if you know what I mean.

All right, if I am a small bottle of peppermint schnapps,

his breath will smell like he's been eating candy canes.

I hope you're planning on bathing him in it, too,

because his breath is just a tip of the iceberg.

Hey, Kate.

Uh, hi.

Wait.

You know, we haven't had much time to talk, you know, woman to woman.

I time my breaks that way.

Well, maybe I deserve that, but I don't have that many women friends, so if you

could just grow up and kind of put some of the things I've said about you aside,

I need some advice.

What's up?

Well, you know how men are naturally attracted to me?

Well, there's this one guy who's having a hard time working up the nerve to tell me.

Who is it?

Oh, like I'm gonna tell you, Miss Easy Pants Romance.

All right.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

If you could just, you know, put that aside, too.

Fine.

Well, there's nothing wrong with the woman making the first move.

Tell them you're not into playing games.

It's just I like you and I want to go out.

What do you say?

Well, that was worth it.

I was looking for a spell or a trick.

Never mind.

So, Mr. Wick, I need to ask you something.

I need to ask you something.

It's about the Christmas party.

As you know, I'm somewhat shy.

Well, you know what they say about the shy ones.

No.

What do they say?

Good lord, moment.

You've got a mouth that would make a street walker blush.

Speaking of street walker blush, that's a very provocative color, you've shown.

Looks even nicer in the morning.

Let me get to the point, Mimi.

There are quite a few ladies that I'd like to

ask out, but I've never been very good at it.

So, here's a list of 25 ladies I'm too shy to call.

You want me to call these women and invite them to the Christmas party for you?

Oh, well, boy, that's a lot to ask.

But you're a nice guy, so, sure, I'll do it.

You're a good soldier.

Carry on.

Is this Tanya?

Oh, I'm calling for Mr. Nigel Wick.

Have you been itching in any sensitive areas lately?

No?

Oh, well, that's all he wanted to know.

Good luck.

Bye-bye.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, man, I feel so bad about Stan.

Here I was gloating, and he's about to get the axe.

Well, they never see it coming, do they?

So, what's up?

I got to tell you, Tron, you're not doing so well.

What do you mean?

Yesterday you said I was doing terrific.

Yeah, but I reassessed a few things.

The absences, the lateness.

Leaving your counter to look at an accident outside.

I know.

I know.

I've been slacking off a little lately.

But, you know, Drew, this isn't exactly my dream job.

Well, maybe that's your problem.

I mean, look at your resume.

All in one year.

A paralegal, a gardener, ice sculptor, acupuncturist, career counselor.

You know, if things have a better chance of working out, if you just decide what

you want before you make a commitment, you know, you need stability.

You're about to get married.

Yeah, and I'm rushing into that, too.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Drew, you're right.

I'm making the same mistake I always make.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was just talking about work.

In your private life, you should just be as reckless as you want to be.

No, no, no, no.

Drew, you're on to something here.

Hey, you know, I took one of those aptitude tests once.

It said I should travel.

And what am I doing?

I'm stuck in a do-nothing job about to get married.

Drew, the thing said I had potential.

Oh, potential isn't good.

That's what they tell high school kids to make

them work harder when they're really just dummies.

Forget them.

You're getting married.

I can't do this, Drew.

Sure you can.

What are you worried about?

You have a job here.

Let me make it easy for you.

I quit.

Yeah, this is Drew Carey.

Can I talk to Lisa, please?

She's in the bridal department.

Oh, well, at least she hasn't made out her invitation yet.

Oh.

Well, at least she hasn't put a deposit on her wedding dress.

What?

It's not my fault.

Oh, my God, you look beautiful.

Thanks.

What's not your fault?

That you're the sweetest, most understanding,

forgiving person in the whole wide world.

Oh, my God!

You did it!

You fired him!

Drew, do you know how bad this is going to look?

You getting beaten up by a bride in the middle of the store?

I didn't fire him.

If you're going to hit anybody, hit Trent.

He's the one who's backing out of marrying you.

What?

Hey, better now than at the altar.

What the hell did you say to him?

Nothing.

We were just talking about how he rushes into things, then

all of a sudden he decided he didn't want to get married.

You are jealous.

You just can't let me go, can you?

Oh, you should talk.

You're the one that's having a hard time getting over me.

What?

Rushing into a marriage you're not ready for into a guy who doesn't even have a job.

What do you mean he doesn't even have a job?

Oh, yeah.

There's something else I forgot to tell you.

He quit.

All right.

I've heard enough.

Let's go.

What do you want?

Face or stomach?

Drew, I have to talk to you.

Hi.

Not now.

Drew, Santa's dead.

Oh, my God.

Our store, Santa?

What happened?

Where is he?

He's still on the throne.

We put the ropes around him so the kids can't get in.

We told him Santa's having a little nap with

his eyes open because he's always watching you.

What are you doing?

Who's watching Santa?

Don't worry.

I found a way to distract the kids.

What are they doing?

They're having a staring contest with Santa.

Hey, guys.

Hey, me.

Oh, my God.

I heard what happened to you guys.

Poor Santa.

And I can't believe his last words were, and to all, a good night.

Actually, that's just what we told the kids.

His real last words were, I'll see you in hell, as well.

Maybe there's a message here.

You shouldn't be mean and abusive, especially at Christmas time.

Or maybe you shouldn't eat just pork and cheese and wash

it down with a pack of smokes and a quart full of gin.

Yeah.

But I'm still holding my theory that you can eat

anything you want as long as you just walk a little.

Coming!

Hey, I'm walking to the door.

Now I can have more chips.

Lisa.

Hi, Drew.

So, where were we?

I just ruined your marriage and your life.

So... okay, stomach, I guess.

I'm not gonna hit you.

I'm not mad.

Trent told me it wasn't your fault.

Oh, God, I'm glad I heard you say that.

You know, I don't want to say anything, but, you know, jumping from job to job,

able to sleep, walking through life, frankly, I think he's kind of flaky.

And let's face it, he's no Weinstein, so...

Drew, he's in the car.

We're eloping.

Oh.

Okay, stomach again, I guess.

Look, he said it wasn't your fault, and he just freaked out a little,

but now we're okay.

Oh.

Well, that's great.

Let me go congratulate him.

No, no, no.

Stay with me.

Right.

So, where are you going?

We're gonna drive up to Niagara, get married,

and then take a driving trip across Canada.

And then Trent's gonna take some time off to decide what he wants to do for a career.

Oh, man, no.

That's great.

I'm really happy for you.

Thanks.

I should get going.

Oh, wait, I didn't even get you a wedding present.

Here.

Why don't you take these?

It's cold up there.

I'm gonna miss you.

What?

Hold on, wait a second.

If you don't want your naked pictures back, say, huh.

Huh?

Just kidding.

Take care of yourself.

Hey, Lewis.

Check it out.

Hey, they're cute.

Uh-huh.

They're looking at us.

Uh, Lewis, I think I know what they're staring at.

What?

You got a piece of popcorn, actor.

Right here?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Ready?