Original subtitles

Go, go, go, go!

Ah, hey.

Anybody for another yard of beer?

Come on, Drew.

If you drink your height, they'd aim a stall after you.

No, look, uh... No, thanks.

I still got half of mine left.

I got four inches.

In cold water?

Well, that's amazing.

All right, Cleveland State 1.

Hello, yes!

Hey, we gotta get a cab.

I gotta get to my frat party.

A frat party?

You didn't go to Cleveland State.

Yeah, you did.

He audited that class in conversational Spanish.

See?

And, uh, technically it's not a fraternity.

It's just a bunch of guys hanging around at a Greek restaurant.

Well, but it's across the street from a sorority.

Well, technically it's a home front with mothers.

You guys want to go?

No.

Still got a short update today.

No, that's yup.

She's cute.

Yeah.

Uh, who?

The woman that's got you so distracted, you missed the other woman checking you out.

Where?

Nowhere.

There is no other woman.

This is your only shot.

Go talk to her.

Okay, okay.

I'm just looking to meet women at bars.

I wonder if I got her attention somehow.

Aw, please don't sit at the bar, please.

Great.

Right in my line of sight.

Drew, ignore Mimi and go talk to the cute stranger, because if you don't,

you'll regret it the rest of your life.

You don't know that.

Yeah, I do, because I'll do this the rest of your life.

You, come here.

Yeah, you.

I want to talk to you.

Were you looking at my girl?

Now, when'd you get out of prison, like an hour ago?

Don't listen to him.

The pig's been staring at me since we got here.

Want me to kick his butt, babe?

Want your pumpkin?

If I ever catch you coming on to my lady again, you're dead.

Got it?

Dead.

One of us won't be sleeping alone tonight.

Ugh.

Not one of us won't be sleeping at all.

Uh, here, Tim?

I wasn't gonna take it.

Hi.

My name is... Bonnie.

Oh, true.

Sorry.

I just got out of a relationship.

My radar's been off for a while.

Normally, I don't have trouble picking up signals from

women, you know, whether they're real or imagined.

I guess what I'm trying to say... Real.

Oh, I knew it.

Uh, Tim, another one over here, please.

Uh, look, this is an odd question, but you're

kind of cute, and you're pretty nice to me.

Are you drunk?

It's okay if you are.

No.

When you were sitting with your friends, you seemed like a nice guy.

And I said to myself for once, I'm not gonna lie

in bed at night thinking, why didn't I talk to him?

He had a cute ass for Cleveland.

Buzz's beer, huh?

Yeah, me and my friends brew it in my garage.

You gotta come by and see it sometime.

Well, gee, that sounds like fun.

But why would I want to leave a perfectly good bar to see someone's garage?

Uh, well, for one thing, the beer's free.

Okay, so I've saved a dollar.

I'm trapped in your garage.

Go on.

Okay, you also get to see the world's oldest unused solo flex.

Okay, but I can only stay for a few minutes.

Wait, before I do this, is there anyone here who can vouch for you?

Oh, yeah, but they're at a halfway house partying with some unwed mothers.

Oh, quite a set-up.

I was expecting a keg and a strobe light.

Hey, I'm one of those guys that feeds women a lot of bull just to impress them.

Uh, you know, the trouble with these things is I take up so much room,

I have to pump my Porsche down the street where you can't see it.

How'd you ever get a permit?

Your neighborhood isn't zoned for something like this.

Well, we don't need a permit.

We're just a ricky-dink operation.

We don't need a permit.

Every business needs a permit.

Well, I guess when we take off, we'll look into it.

But for right now, what they don't know won't hurt them.

Besides, all those government types are too busy sticking their thumb up their butt.

Come on, right?

Drew, I'm a zoning inspector.

Wait, I'm still talking.

What I meant was, it must be hard working all day with your thumb up your butt.

God, I admire you.

Drew, I hate to do this, but your whole set-up is illegal.

I have to shut it down.

What?

Oh, look, why don't we talk about this on the way to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,

where you'll be going in your brand-new car.

See, cover.

Is that a bribe?

Hey, if asking out a smart, beautiful woman is

a bribe, then lock me up and throw away the key.

And, uh, you can put that key on your 95 World Series key holder.

Drew, it's illegal to give a bribe, and it's

just plain insulting to give a crappy one.

Look, I took out a second mortgage to pay for all this.

If I don't sell the beer, I'm gonna lose my house.

Look, a lot of people in this neighborhood run businesses out of their backyards.

Mrs. Orlando raises chickens.

Uh, the Sweeney's run an unlicensed daycare center.

Old man Levitt runs an auto body shop in his garage.

What are you doing?

Writing down names.

Oh, can I get a copy of that?

I want to see who's gonna beat me up.

Look, Drew, I wish I didn't have to do this,

but I just, I can't ignore these violations.

Man, if I could just have one date where I didn't have to hear that sentence.

Drew, this has nothing to do with you.

Look, you wanted to see the brewery, you saw

it, you shut it down, you had a full day.

Now I think you should leave.

And you didn't know anything about baseball, because that's a great key holder.

Well, I guess I'll never see you again.

Hey, I'll see you Monday when I post a citation.

Oh.

Well, I lost my brewery, lost my house, my woman left me.

All I got left is my beard, my cripple dog.

Hey, if I could get that drum, I'd have a country song.

Anybody else in a really good mood today?

Right a little behind today, Mimi?

If I'm not mistaken, you're only wearing primer.

Damn, I pulled a muscle last night.

I'd hate to see the other guy.

You're just jealous, because I got lucky.

What did you chloroform and drag home?

Uh, it just so happens I spent the evening with a lovely woman.

Thank you.

Word around the muffin cart is your lovely woman

came down hard on your little beer factory.

Oh, man, I gotta watch what I say.

Three ham and cheese croissants.

I think everybody's my best friend.

You know, there's a way around those zoning laws that won't cause you any trouble.

Oh, yeah, what's that?

What's in it for me?

Oh, give me 25 bucks.

50 bucks, and I'll tell you what that foul

odor is in your car and how to get rid of it.

All right, I'm desperate.

So what's your great idea?

I got invited to a party once called a rave.

They couldn't get a license to sell beer commercially,

so they sold maps to the place for 10 bucks.

Then when you got there, they gave you 10 bucks worth of beer.

They made tons of dough, and it was all perfectly legal.

Wow.

You got invited to a party?

You're welcome, jackass.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's sticking on my car?

You.

Hi.

I'm looking for the Department of Apologies and Second Chances.

Well, they're closed.

Can I help you hear bitterness and grudges?

You're gonna make me work for this, aren't you?

How about I take you to dinner Saturday?

You're in luck, because I found a way around my zoning problem.

So why don't you come around my place on Saturday?

I'm having a big party.

And I'm really glad you stopped by.

Saturday?

You got it.

What time?

That'll cost you three more M&Ms.

Oh, okay.

Is this how our relationship's gonna be from now on, Drew?

Give me a snickers, and I'll tell you.

Good evening.

Can I see your map, please?

Oh, I'm a friend of Drew's.

I freeze.

Jack, it's okay.

I'm fine with her.

Geez, does she really look dangerous?

The Scottish wildcat is soft and cuddly, Drew.

But when she's ripping out your entrails, she doesn't look so cute.

Well, you look great.

And you're just in time.

Do you chicken dance?

You bet.

In fact, if you cut my head off, I'll chicken dance for, like, another five minutes.

So, that was my chicken dance.

Hey, you're still here.

Oh, hey.

I hope you don't mind.

I brought a friend.

Drew, this is my friend Holly.

Hi.

And she works for the Cleveland Police Department.

Well, if love is a crime...

My friend Louis, he's one of the owners of Buzzbeer, also one of its best customers.

Yeah, I've been a bad boy.

Bad boy.

What you gonna do?

Listen to this.

So far tonight, we've raked in almost $900.

Hey, all right.

So, what are you guys doing, exactly?

You'll appreciate this being in law enforcement.

We're not, uh, technically selling alcohol.

We're selling maps to a party and giving away beer.

Sell it, Max.

So, you're soliciting to sell alcohol.

Uh-oh.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to shut down your party.

Oh, man.

The fuzz is trying to shut us down.

Sorry, Holly.

Guys, let me handle this.

Whoops.

I appear to have dropped my wallet.

Yeah, she really wants your bus pass and two Arby's coupons.

Look, Drew, you're a friend of Bonnie's.

So, if you get everyone out now and you give them their money back, I won't bust you.

You just lost your good thing, baby.

Hmm?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for this to happen.

Now you're gonna lose everything.

Oh, hey.

It's okay.

I got a way around this.

Hey, everybody.

Maps to my bathroom.

Only $5,000.

$3,000 for the bushes.

Good morning.

Sweet.

You're making breakfast for two.

Oh.

I'm glad you weren't mad about last night, Drew.

Hey, we've been over that.

You didn't know your friend was gonna bust up my party.

No, I mean when Speedy and I played keep away with your glasses.

You just wanted to see me run across the room naked.

No, you're not the first.

Look, I hope I didn't, you know, rush in anything you weren't ready for.

Drew, I'll have to trail of donuts up to your bedroom.

I was ready.

Oh, yeah.

By the way, that was the best foreplay I ever had.

So, uh, you know, last night, uh, last night was okay.

Drew, you're not supposed to talk about it.

We're supposed to be cool and pretend it's no big deal.

Well, secretly, we wonder where it'll all lead.

Hmm.

I'd like you to call me Conan.

You meant, uh, you meant the barbarian, not O'Brien, right?

Come on, Drew.

Want some coffee?

Yeah, you know what I love with that?

A rezoning waiver for my brewery and some cream.

Drew, I can't rezone you.

Well, then who can?

Well, it's not easy.

First you have to get a petition, then you have to go to the city council.

Oh, I know all about the city council.

My dad used to take me there when I was a kid so I could see government in action.

Then when he got back from the track, I told him what I learned.

And how hard could it be to get signatures on a petition?

You know, when I was a kid, there was this guy who actually got a petition to keep

Martians from owning property in the neighborhood.

Thank God, because next thing you know,

they're putting their spaceships up on blocks.

They had the little snot in those kids running around

shooting laser beams off all hours in the night.

Hey, Drew, we saw Bonnie's car in the driveway and we figured...

You stayed here on purpose.

Well, this is kind of awkward.

Hi,

Mr. Frazier.

I'm Drew, your neighbor down the street.

And I'm passing around this important petition to get signatures.

Oh, wait, I know you.

You're the carry boy.

Are you still living in your parents' house?

Yes, sir.

And are you keeping up your mom's garden?

Yes, sir.

Well, good.

No, Ma.

Come on down.

It's that nice gay boy from down the street.

And we need your signature so we can be free to keep making our beer.

Yeah, you see, we believe that the neighborhood

is actually improved by having our brewery.

Well, here, take a sip.

We think you'll agree.

Well, we'll drink with you.

Hey, you know what buzz beer?

Nobody drinks alone.

Cheers.

The sweet juice of freedom.

Hi, Mr. Carlson.

I haven't seen you on that makeup since you performed at my tenth birthday party.

So I guess you're still doing kids' birthday parties?

So you dress like that all the time now?

That's not sad.

That's not sad at all.

Um, listen, I was wondering if you'd be

interested in signing a petition for our brewery.

Oh, my.

That's a big yes.

Beer bomb.

Well, not that guy's roses.

Well, excuse me, Miss Manner.

What do you want?

Oh, that's rude.

On the next one.

Let's see if this guy's home.

Thank you.

We'll consider those changes in the leash laws.

Next business.

Mr. Jones.

Isn't this exciting, Kate?

Ordinary citizens making decisions that'll affect thousands of people.

Yeah.

Is this guy gonna talk about dog crap for the next 20 minutes, too?

Because if he does, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

That's all I'm saying.

I can assure you I'm not gonna waste your time with anything like that.

Last night, aliens visited my house again.

Oh, my God.

It's the same guy from when I was a kid.

As evidence today, I'd like to offer Exhibit A, Life on Mars.

Mr. Jones, the New York Post is talking about microscopic fossils.

Well, apparently they've evolved because that was

no fossil giving me a rectal probe last night.

Mr. Jones, thanks to you, I've been late to dinner

every Monday and not hungry for the last 15 years.

So I'm going to give you your damn study just so we can get home earlier.

All in favor?

All right, all right.

Wow, this system works.

Next business, Mr. Drew Carey.

Wish me luck.

Wish me luck.

I live across the alley from that guy.

Good afternoon.

I have a petition here to rezone Land Parcel No.

5039 for use as a microbrewery.

Denied.

All in agreement?

Agreed.

Sorry, next.

Wait a second.

There's a petition there signed by over 300 people.

You can't ignore that.

I can in a neighborhood of 15,000.

Especially when on the first page I see the names

of a dozen dead Cleveland Indian baseball players.

And the cast of Gilligan's Island.

Dean Mosswald.

Look, I didn't know about the zoning regulations.

But I'm following all the health laws.

I'm paying sales tax and we're coming out with a calendar.

You look like you work out.

Well, thank you.

Mr. Carey, there's not a politician in this state who's

voted more consistently for the easy access of liquor.

Agreed.

And this council just can't up and reverse

zoning laws that have served our city so well.

Low these many years.

Now, please sit down.

You forced me to use the word low.

Hold everything.

These letters came in hundreds and hundreds of them.

All supporting Drew's right to brew beer in his garage.

The people have spoken.

Wait, wait a minute.

These are all addressed to Santa Claus.

Big jolly white guy, huh?

Come on, work with me here.

If there's nothing else, Mr. Carey.

Oh, yeah, there's plenty else, pal.

I got a little thing here called the Bill of Rights.

Bill of Rights.

Bill of Rights.

I think we got our next alien guy.

Hold it.

Bonnie?

I'm the zoning inspector who first noticed Mr. Carey's violation.

I brought some people from his neighborhood I think you should meet.

If you shut down, Drew, you're shutting them all down.

This is the farmer.

He grows vegetables in his backyard.

He puts food on our plate.

This is the mechanic.

Without him, the wheels of our nation would stop.

Oh, yeah.

And this is my neighbor.

The loving, caring teacher that runs the unlicensed staycare center.

And this is the taxidermist.

The guy who... jeez, don't hold that up.

We could go on.

There's the Tupperware sales lady.

The masseuse.

Legitimate.

The other masseuse.

Hello, Tina.

These people are American councilmen.

A country that was built by people running businesses out of the backyards.

And if you don't want to give this community the right to make a living,

then you better be prepared to ban something else, pal.

And I'm talking about the American dream.

Is it me?

I attract these people like flies.

Sure do, buddy.

And we're coming back every week with the same sappy routine.

And I'm going to bring him with me.

And this thing's just going to get smellier and uglier.

So, what do you say?

Well, I don't want to put all these people out of business.

My great-grandfather started business in his garage and

eventually wound up polluting over two-thirds of Lake Erie.

In his memory, I'm proposing a two-year study on the effects of rezoning,

during which time you can't all stay open.

What is invited back to my place for free beer?

Boy, I can't wait to see you drunk.

Lock your doors.

They're looking for tall guys.

Congratulations.

I hope this makes up for busting you.

Are you kidding me?

You sniffed me.

I can't wait to tell my mom.

Your mother?

Well, she's more than my mother.

She's my best friend.

Hey, you're still here.

Okay, okay.

Now, remember, you're Altoid and I'm Deltoid.

Right, right.

And our spaceship runs on beer and we need much fuel to get back to our Daleks.

But now that light stuff, because it makes the engine knock.

Who is it?

Martians.

Not me.

I'm Deltoid.

He's Altoid.

You guys, huh?

Bigfoot's here.

Elvis will be here any minute.

What the hell is this?