Original subtitles

Boy, skull mugs, scary signs.

Hey, how come we didn't do a Halloween promotion for Buzz Beer?

Halloween's a crazy pagan holiday.

Her beer's classier than that.

Remember our slogan?

A beer that throws up smooth.

Yeah, but we still need a promotion.

Hey, I got it.

We put something spooky in every bottle.

We already do that.

Hey, how about Lewis and I dress up in costumes when we deliver the beer?

No, no costumes.

It's so professional.

Looks like you're going to the bank every Halloween

having to show two forms of ID to the Riddler.

Come on, Drew, you got to get into the spirit of it, you know.

Hey, you know, drug code said we could wear costumes to work this year.

I'm thinking of going as a burglar.

You're the night janitor.

The only other guy there is an armed security guard.

Yeah, you know, why don't you, uh, why don't you gain some weight and go as a mop?

Why don't you lose some weight and go as Earth?

Hey, I'm not fat.

Then I'm not skinny.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, I'm gonna have some more chili cheese for ice.

You want some?

Nah, that cracker filled me up.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

Did you notice the way I just walked in here?

I thought we weren't supposed to watch you walk anymore after our little talk.

That still stands.

What I meant was, I'm over this, I need a man to fill a complete thing.

For the first time, I walked into the Warsaw without scoping the room.

That's good news.

Uh, Kate, I'm really happy for you, but you didn't scope

the room because it's always the same people in here.

We know everybody.

Look, turn me down, turn me down, turn me down, turn me down.

Gay.

Turn me down.

Oh, wait a minute.

Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.

Drew, these women aren't all gay just because they wouldn't go out with you.

Yes, they are.

They wouldn't go out with us either.

You know, that is a point.

We're not meeting anybody new here.

Maybe it's time we ought to try a new bar.

But why bother?

I mean, I enjoy talking to you guys way more than some

handsome stranger who just sat down over there in the corner.

Hello, new blood.

I don't look unattainable, do I?

No, you look easy.

Thanks.

Excuse me, kitty.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, oops, sorry again.

Hey, are we all right?

I'm fine, thank you.

I'm just a little embarrassed.

Hi, I'm Kate, and these are my strictly platonic friends whom I'd never date.

Drew, Oswald, and Lewis.

You can just call us the eunuchs.

Wow, eunuchs.

I should do real well at this bar.

Listen, can I buy you guys a beer?

Hey, we like this guy.

Come on!

Gee, I bet there's a story behind that shirt.

The devil.

Yeah, does your dry cleaner mix up your laundry too?

Some just swim in here in the Holy Spirit's boxer shorts.

Actually, my buddy's made this for me.

It's just the nickname.

Huh, devil, huh?

So how do you get a nickname like that?

Oh, just stuff.

So what can I get you guys?

Look at us.

What can't you get us?

How about one round of beer?

I'm out of work.

Things are a little tight right now.

This waiter's gonna take forever.

Let me get those beers.

Well, he seems nice enough.

For the devil.

It's just a nickname.

Yeah, nicknames don't mean anything.

I remember Drew had lots of them.

Turf Top.

Shut up.

Four Eyes.

Shut up.

Lord of the Fries.

Shut up.

Fat Masterson.

Shut up.

Lewis had nicknames too.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Loser with Turf Top.

Shut up.

Loser with Lord of the Fries.

Shut up.

Loser with Fat Masterson.

Shut up.

But they call me.

Shut up, Oswald.

Oh yeah.

Good times.

Drew, stop!

There's something wrong with that coffee!

Oh my god, what?

It was the last cup and you had it.

Hate you in the morning.

Hate you in the evening.

Hate you at suppertime.

Oh how I hate you.

Hate you all the time.

Here's a memo from Mr. Wick.

Don't sing to me unless you want a fist full of troubled jerkwad.

Jeez, you kissed the boss's butt with that mouth?

What?

Mr. Wick wants us to wear costumes to work on Halloween?

No way.

It's the most I said.

Maybe we should think about this.

It has some merit.

Very sound thinking.

And then I said Carrie's a complete horse's arse and we all had a jolly good laugh.

What's wrong with costumes?

If I may speak to thee, my lordship, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

In fact, I think it encourages employee camaraderie and goodwill towards customers.

So a tiny between two buses.

Bite me, blow-dough.

Stop it, you two.

Anyway, clown face is right, blow-dough.

Now, which have you seen less of, Prince Albert or William of Orange?

Uh, sir, I'm just afraid that management will

lose a certain amount of respect in costumes.

Really?

Do you respect me any less now, Carrie?

No, sir.

Well, do you respect me any less now, Carrie?

That wouldn't be possible, sir.

What?

Back to work, you two.

Get in there, Birkbeck.

Cripes.

Hey, Drew.

Jack, what's up?

Gates, I do for a break for another half hour.

Yeah, I know.

I'm here to see you.

Oh, this is all so sudden.

It's all right.

No, I'm finding a job, huh, buddy?

Nothing.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's me.

Hey, you lose that attitude right now, mister.

I've been in personnel almost eight years, and I know for a fact that there's a job

out there for everybody, no matter how unskilled, uneducated, or unmotivated.

Some of them work right here.

You got anything open?

Maybe.

The least we can do is get you on file.

Can I have your, uh, full name?

You gonna check this out?

I am now.

Okay, it's the devil.

T-H-E-D-E-V.

Wait a second.

Uh, could you slow down?

My pen's out of blood.

See, with a sense of humor like that, you're about to get something sooner or later.

Okay, full name, real one this time.

That is my real name.

I am the devil.

Oh, that's funny, because your voice is a lot higher than it is in my head.

Come on, Drew.

Put down the devil.

Everything's under that name.

Look, Jack, I'm really busy.

I don't have time.

It's not Jack.

Jack's just a name I use these days to fit in.

Believe it or not, there was a time when Beelzebub

was as common as Jack, but legally, it's the devil.

Oh, look, come on.

Let's see your driver's license.

The devil.

Jersey, huh?

You know, I think with all that power, you take a better picture.

Where's your horns?

You know, you have one bad hair day in the 13th century.

All of a sudden, you've got horns.

Well, I guess we can skip the psychological profile.

What, uh, what, what were your last jobs?

Well, I've had my hand in this and that, um, used

car sales, the DMV, the post office, and UNICEF.

Nobody's all bad.

Oh, you know, there's nothing here for the, uh, Prince of

the Arctis right now, but I'm sure to keep my eyes open.

Cool.

Listen, I have to show the unemployment office that I'm out looking.

Would you mind, um, signing this piece of paper?

Oh, the devil wants me to sign something.

That always turns out good.

That, my friends, is why I always end by saying, boys, what's the name of the game?

Drew's a big jackass?

No, it's bowling.

This is nine ball.

Oh, man.

See, Oswald?

Nobody beats saturated fats.

You want to play another game?

Case I hear you.

Jeez, I hope she didn't go over that jack guy.

Does he have a van?

I bet the devil has a really cool van.

He's not the devil, Oswald.

He's just some wacko who thinks he's the devil.

Kay, where have you been?

Guys, you would not believe the day I've had.

Suddenly, I am the luckiest woman alive.

Uh-oh.

I'm buying Jack lunch, right?

They forget to give us a receipt?

I get it free.

The devil, you say?

Then, you know how bad I wanted the apartment upstairs?

The newlyweds are getting a divorce.

They've been married a week.

How lucky is that?

Kay, and I think you better sit down.

What's up?

Are you okay?

Yeah, well, you know, uh, Jack came by my cubicle today.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said you'd help, but he is such a sweet guy.

Yeah, well, he's got a couple of quirks.

Such as?

He thinks he's the devil.

He can be.

No, he's serious.

I checked it out.

Today, I pulled a TRW report on the devil.

What'd it say?

Oh, not much.

He's got five credit cards.

He pays them all off every month.

He's evil, I tell you.

Evil!

Come on, do not get off.

He's just kidding around with you.

No, he's not.

This guy's even got his double name on a check-cashing card at Pick and Pay.

Good morning, Mr. Devil.

Paper.

Plastic.

Human skin.

Okay, so he's got a dark sense of humor.

We all do.

Oswald, remember your little joke when you worked at the Oregon Bank?

Hey, you want some onions with that liver?

I didn't even make the lunch hour on that job.

Look, I'm serious, Kate.

This guy's nuts.

Look, at least talk him tomorrow, because if you don't, I will.

Yeah, you know, you're gonna take this stuff serious.

I mean, we had a guy at Drug Co.

who said he was the president of the company.

Let me just give you a little tip.

Corporate presidents don't spank you and then drive off on a moped.

Oh, that's scary.

And now we've gone beyond scary.

That's just upsetting.

Bite me, dough girl.

Hey, uh, you're dating a guy called the Devil and he addresses Joan of Arc.

You think he'd be once burned twice shy.

You're bloody good, Carrie.

See, now you've joined in and had a bit of fun.

Everyone won't think you're such a tight -hassed stick-in-the-mud buffoon, will they?

I didn't know they did, sir.

And why would they?

Delightful people carry on.

Hey, Kate.

Great costume.

Finally get to wear the weekend clothes to work, huh, Drew?

Bite me, bug boy.

I finished that security check on the Devil, Drew.

The Devil's clean.

So who do you want me to look up next, Drew?

The boogeyman?

Hey, look, it's three guys dressed like Dilbert.

Hey, Jack.

Kate, you look hot.

Hey, Mimi.

Ready to go and watch it?

Uh, wait a second, Kate.

Don't you have something you need to talk to Jack about?

Ugh, I can't believe you're making me do this.

Jack, would you tell Drew that you're yanking his chain?

He really thinks you believe you're the Devil.

Oh, man.

This always happens.

Because of the nickname, right?

Yeah, and because I am Satan.

Let's go to lunch.

What?

What is wrong?

What's wrong is that we've been seeing each other for

weeks, you'd think this Devil thing might have come up.

Look, I know it takes some getting used to, and I'm sorry I lied, but it's no big deal.

No big deal?

I really liked you.

You were the sweetest, most gentle guy I've met in a long time.

Now I can't date you because you're in that job.

Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

We have a deal.

A deal?

When?

What kind of deal?

Remember the other day at lunch, you said you'd sell your soul for a milkshake.

That was just an expression.

I want a milkshake.

I want to be president.

I want a spot between Seinfeld and ER.

It's all the same thing.

It's a contract.

You're stuck with me.

So what if I don't go along with our little deal?

What are you gonna do?

Follow me around and do creepy things?

The Devil does not follow.

I am so far ahead of you.

Wherever you go, I'll already be there.

It's gonna look like you're following me.

Oh, great.

You're just another jerk.

Another jerk?

See?

Wow, that was pretty weird.

Weird.

Stop it.

Stop it.

True.

This is ridiculous.

We're acting like he is the Devil.

Listen, I've dealt with guys like this before.

If you don't need him or we're never gonna get rid of him.

And he hasn't done anything we can go to the cops about.

Okay, mister.

I'll play along.

In your little... Devil world.

What does it take to get someone out of bondage?

You can exchange them for another soul.

All right, take hers.

Oh, man.

It's bad enough down there as it is.

I read somewhere where you're a betting man.

Why don't you and I play a little game of nine ball for Kate's soul?

Ah, now that's interesting.

If I lose, I give up Kate's soul.

What if I win?

Oh, if you win.

You can keep me in middle management for the rest of my life.

I've got news for you.

No!

Okay, look.

If I lose, you can have Kate's soul, my soul, and

I'll even throw in the soul that Teppu just hired.

It's a deal.

I'll see you tonight.

Soon, all your worldly desires will be fulfilled.

Damn, I forgot the validate.

Drew, here's the files that...

you wish.

I want you, pal.

You are going down.

Down!

Oh, wait a minute.

Up.

You're going up.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Shouldn't we just beat the crap out of him and run?

We tried that before in third grade with little Timmy Hawkins, remember?

Next thing you know, the devil's mom is calling my mom.

I have to mow their lawn for a month.

None of the other kids in hell are allowed to play with me.

Well, you better win, because if you don't...

I'm never going to get this guy out of my life.

Don't worry, Kate.

Nobody beats Drew on his own table.

Is there anything we can do?

Yeah, get that garlic out of here.

He's not a vampire, Oswald.

Oh, and I suppose the devil's above that sort of thing.

Okay, let's go.

Jack, you break.

Make it a good one, because you're going to need it.

Yeah.

The devil went down to Georgia.

He was looking for a soul to steal.

He was in a bag, but he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal.

When he came across this young man's song on the fiddle and playing it hot,

and the devil jumped up on a hickory stump and said, boy, let me tell you why.

Okay, double or nothing.

I'm sure I can find a couple more souls.

Wow, you're going to sell out your friends.

It's fun, isn't it?

So, can I break again?

Hey, go ahead.

Thanks.

Hey, look, there's God.

My shot, my lord.

Now, stand back and I'll show you how mere mortal cleans the devil's clock.

Yeah, buddy.

Size it up.

Come on, Drew.

You got it, buddy.

Yeah, okay.

Look at that.

You're up.

Hang on, I got an idea, okay?

Say, Jack, did you know that a person pure of heart can steal the devil's soul?

Got your soul.

Got your soul.

No, you don't.

Oh, really?

Really?

What's this?

A thumb, moron.

Oh, the devil is no inner child.

It's sad, really.

Uh-oh, here we go.

I'm going to lose my soul.

Your soul?

How about that poor guy at work, when ready time

tells him his ex -assignment's a turtle damnation?

Well, I guess it's up to me to help with the devil himself.

I'm not touching the devil.

I'm not touching the devil.

The last guy who did that has to wipe a fly's mouth for eternity.

It's your shot.

Okay, Kate, we'll do it your way.

Louis, hold him.

I'm going to sit on the devil's head and see how he likes wearing a butt helmet.

Stupid.

Jack, what are you trying to prove here?

You want to be the devil?

You're the devil.

You could be good King Wenceslaus for all I care.

I just want you to leave me alone.

Nope.

We have a contract.

Well, a real man wouldn't need a contract.

Excuse me?

What, are you afraid you're not man enough for me without being the devil?

That's ridiculous.

That's it, isn't

it?

The only way you can get a woman is to steal her soul.

I never thought of it like that.

Kate, if I hadn't been the devil, just Jack, the ordinary guy you met by

accident in a bar, would you have kept going out with me?

Well, sure, if you were really that guy.

Kate.

Yeah?

Who do you think invented the sensitive guy routine?

Kiss me, I'm hurting.

All right, that's it.

Oswald, hold my coat.

Kate's soul in the corner pocket.

The devil's about to take a virgin bride.

You've got my coat.

What'd you say?

Corner pocket in the virgin.

Kate is mine.

Did, uh, did Kate tell you she was a virgin?

Yeah.

Is that a virgin?

If you're going to a virgin, take Lewis.

I can cook.

You told me you were a virgin.

Was I drinking?

Because, um, sometimes I'm a virgin when I'm drunk.

Okay, all right.

Wait a minute.

There's some leeway here.

Have you ever...

Just a little bit.

Forget it!

I cannot believe you guys.

I met a nicer class of people in Gamora.

Hey, if you want a virgin, get out of Cleveland.

Yeah.

You may not get a regular, but we got it once.

Coming.

Ooh, scary costumes.

Oh, let's see what we got here.

Oh, chocolate bars.

You know, these are bad for your teeth.

Why don't I take these and I'll give you some of these

yummy granola bars my doctor suggested that I eat.

What else we got?

Oh, no, this is trouble.

Taffy apples.

You know, these can have razor blades in them.

I have an X-ray machine, so I'll take these and I'll

give you this can of tuna and this exercise video.

You're welcome.

Happy Halloween.

Coming.

Hope you have Abba's Abba's.

Trick.

Or what?

Nothing.

Just trick.

I already bought that outfit.

That's for wearing it first.