Original subtitles

What do you mean you don't have it?

It says here beauty supply store.

Well, maybe this will jar your memory.

Excuse me.

I am on the phone doing very important business, lady.

Do you know how hard it is to get somebody to refill my keg of dippity-doo?

Oh, great, they hung up.

What the hell do you want, Miss Buttinski?

Mummy!

Oh, crap.

Motherwick, why don't you wait in my office?

If you need to settle your nerves, there's a little brandy hidden under the scorch.

That's it, Mimi.

This attitude of yours, this wild makeup, your outrageous manner of dress.

Oh, you noticed, did you?

Yes, I did.

And I want you to take your lunch hour, go home, remove all that makeup,

change your clothes, find a new outfit, and

come back here looking like a professional.

I don't think I heard you.

You can't represent me at the front desk looking the way you do.

Perhaps if we were Winford, Lauda, Barnum, and Bailey.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with my makeup or my clothes.

You're just used to seeing people who don't care.

Look around!

These people threw themselves together in 20 minutes tops.

I get up at dawn to look this good.

So that's what scares the moon away.

Hey, ain't your fight, hedgehog?

That's enough, Mimi.

I'm reassigning you until you're ready to conform.

Karen, what's the worst job in the store?

I've already got it, sir.

Karen?

I guess it would be reorganizing the archives in the sub-basement.

That's it, then.

Unless you're willing to reconsider.

Come on, Mimi.

You don't want to go down there.

You can adjust.

Just cut it down to one coat.

Forget it!

I'm not changing for anybody.

Not gonna break me wick.

I could do time in the whole stand-in on my head.

I'm experiencing mixed emotions here, sir.

Half of me is sad and the other half wants to

beat the hell out of that half for being sad.

Permission to dance a jig, sir.

Neither of us wants to see that, Karen.

Now, just find me a replacement for Mimi.

Right away, sir.

Excuse me?

I forgot something.

Uh,

just a note, sir.

While she's down there, you might want to get her tired of playing with it.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, instead of loser insulin.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Hey, what are you doing behind the bar?

Tim had to run some errands, and he wanted to put

someone responsible in charge that he could trust.

Go pick a fight so I can pull the gun.

Wait a minute.

I've always wanted to do this.

Huh?

One buzz beer is coming up.

Look, I'm Tom Cruise.

You're supposed to twirl it, then open it.

Like this one.

That was a 30-year-old bottle of scotch, anyway.

You lose, you buy.

Not fair.

I wasn't wearing my cup.

Hey, what are you guys doing back there?

Oh, Tim asked us to watch the bar.

So, what do you have?

I'll have a gin and tonic.

Okay.

What's in that?

We know.

Oh, forget it.

I'll have a buzz beer.

Make that two buzz beers.

Okay.

Why don't you go down to the end of the bar?

Come on, I'm right here.

Come on, I want to slide it to you.

All right, but be careful.

Okay, we're on the honor system.

Hey, watch it, pal.

I'm sorry, man.

It was an accident.

Yeah, like your face is gonna have an accident with my fist.

Hey, whoa, whoa.

It's all right, though.

It's not worth fighting.

Well, you spilled my beer all over me.

Yeah, well, you know, you were asking for it

standing there, minding your own business now.

Here, let me take my beer.

Hey, thanks, man.

Don't I know you?

Yeah, it took you long enough.

Man, Drew, you haven't aged a bit since high school.

You still look like you're 40.

You're bad, bad Simon Tate.

Wow, I didn't recognize you without my underwear pulled over my head.

Hey, you guys remember Simon Tate?

Hey, you're Lewis.

Yeah, and I'm not sure if I recognize you.

Let me give you a hint.

Hey, you're Kate, right?

Flatsy, flatsy, you're flat, and that's that?

Congratulations, you got something going on there now.

Hey, look about that.

You know, I was kind of a jerk in high school.

You know, my parents were breaking up and all, and I wasn't handling very well.

But that's just a reason.

It's not an excuse, so...

Look, I wouldn't blame you if one of you guys

just wanted to take a shot at me right now.

Lewis, come on, settle down.

That was ages ago.

Yeah, but I can still taste that urinal cake.

Yeah, I'm really, really sorry about that, you know.

If I had any money, I'd buy you all a beer.

Ah, you're poor.

Lewis, you drove over here in an AMC matador.

Shut up.

Look, there's been a lot of water under the bridge, so

why don't you sit down and tell us what you've been up to?

Well, I went to California.

I did a stint in the Navy.

I came back because my mom took a fall and it affected her memory.

Actually, I shouldn't even be here tonight because I'm grounded.

Oh, hey, there's the manager.

I've got to give him my resume.

Man, you know, you learn to use the computer, you sharpen up your office

skills, and you end up begging to be a busboy.

I hope you get it.

You know, I'm glad I'm going to get a chance to make things up to you guys, you know.

This might sound a little corny, but it's

time I get a few checks and I done good bucks.

Wow.

Has he changed?

I always thought he grew up to be a murderer.

There's something in the murdering field.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel sorry for the guy.

Yeah, you know, he saved my neck a couple minutes ago.

Hard to believe that's the same guy who made me a nervous wreck for four years.

Four years, Drew?

Yes.

My first day of freshman year, he told me he was

going to kill me on my last day of senior year.

Every time I saw him in the hall, it was like 1,080 days, Drew.

800 more days, Drew.

The worst part was he didn't graduate, so I get calls at college.

As soon as I pass algebra, Drew.

Hey, how'd it go?

Hey, it went great.

It's in the bag, man.

I can't wait to tell Mom.

Hey, listen, before you call her, how's your typing skills?

Well, 95, 100 words a minute.

Why?

Well, I'm in personnel over at Winford Louder,

and I'm looking to replace an executive secretary.

Are you interested?

What?

Hey, everybody deserves a second chance.

Hey, I won't let you down, Drew.

I know all that stuff.

I used to be in the steno pool in the Navy.

Isn't that a girly job?

Drew, Simon doesn't know where to file these vacation requests.

Have you seen Mimi?

Nobody's seen her for a week.

She's still doing time down in the sub -basement.

Do you know the number down there?

There's no phone.

You have to use this pneumatic tube.

They put someone down in the bowels of the store without a phone?

I wouldn't worry about Mimi.

Where it is, someone's been killing all the alligators down there.

I heard that the cheese disappeared from all the mouse traps.

Oh, so we know she has crackers.

Drew, we have a problem.

What's in the bag, Chuck?

A head?

Yeah.

Mimi did this to half the mannequins in the store, and now she's missing.

I think she might be loose in the duct system.

I hear if she has to, she can live on drywall.

I'm worried, Drew.

We have a disgruntled employee down there that's bent on revenge, and she's

dangerously close to the store's operations room.

Oh, God help us.

She's found the fuse box.

Hey, boss, you're gonna have to find somebody to cover for me this afternoon.

I'm going golfing with Wick.

You're going golfing with the boss?

Boy, you're moving up quick.

I'm not even allowed to talk to him outside the building.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm the big man on campus again.

Man, this is just like in high school.

This is the best job I ever had.

Simon, what's my little bulldog doing away from the phone?

Who's Simon?

Brilliant choice to replace Mimi, Kelly.

It's nice not to be visually assaulted when I step out of my office.

Hey, hey, Drew, look here.

Just like when we were kids, huh?

I'm just kidding, little buddy.

Here you go.

You might want to watch that, Simon.

Pee-wee is kind of sensitive about his height.

Oh, no, no.

I tease him, he laughs.

Well, this is a place of business.

Just take it easy, okay?

Okay, you got it, boss.

Hey, hey, you going somewhere?

I wish to clean up now.

Oh, okay, where's your dollar?

Please, I wish to clean up now.

Oh, you haven't heard the new rules?

Yeah, Mr. Rick, you need a dollar to get into his office.

Simon, what are you doing?

Hey, don't look at me.

Mr. Rick said he didn't want all kinds of people going in and out of his office.

Okay, thanks.

Hope you got a dollar to get out.

Simon, you can't take money from the cleaning people.

No, I'll give it back to him later.

I'm just having fun.

Well, give it back to him now.

I think I said later, Drew.

I'm trying to have fun.

You're not trying to ruin my fun, are you, Drew?

No, no, no.

Because that would be a mistake.

Yeah, I was just going to say, hey, why don't we go downstairs and beat

the hell out of that guy with the wandering eye?

Hey, another one you're talking about.

Max, don't ask any questions.

Just put on your dark glasses and take your break.

Now!

Don't stay too late, Drew.

There's been Mimi sightings all over the store.

Did you see what happened to the makeup counter?

That was no boating accident.

Get a break.

Everyone's going crazy around here.

Hey, pig.

Welcome to Mimi Soft.

Download this.

How'd she scan that?

So she got into a couple computers.

Big deal.

Heal, Antonio.

Mimi?

It's time for dinner, Antonio.

I hope you're not on a fat-free diet.

Oh, man.

My own dream.

I made a fat-free joke about myself.

Drew!

It's a dream within a dream.

I got to get out of here.

Oh, it's not a dream.

Drew!

Mimi, where are you?

Over here.

Where?

Here.

Marco!

Polo!

Marco!

Polo!

Mimi, how are you going to stay down there?

Why don't you come back up?

Giving a wick?

No way.

I just wish it wasn't so dark down here.

I'm so lonely.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

What?

I can't hear you.

Mimi, Mimi, you're fading out.

Come closer.

I'm so weak.

What is it?

It's okay, Mimi.

I can forgive you for that, because I...

Ow!

Missed!

Send out a donut!

I don't want to do that to my worst enemy, let alone a donut.

Where's all my candy bars?

Simon, are those my candy bars?

Nope.

Come on, Simon.

I'm sure those are my candy bars.

No, but I'll let you watch them while I go to the john.

And if anybody touches these candy bars, heads are gonna roll.

I'll show him.

Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch.

Simon?

Simon?

Oh, good.

He's gone.

Mr. Wick, you're here.

Good.

I need to talk to you.

At no time.

He'll be back soon.

Oh, wait.

You don't like Simon anymore, either?

Good.

I think it's time for you to let him go.

I'd love to fire him, but you have to.

I can't.

I've got slender wrists.

That's actually the Wick coat of arms.

Two slender wrists against a field of heather.

Oh, really?

Well, the carry coat of arms is a guy ducking behind a guy with slender wrists.

You fire him.

Look, you're the one that recommended him.

Plus, he's made an ungodly mess at the files.

I need Mimi to come back up here and reorganize everything.

I don't care what she looks like.

Just get her back up here.

Wee-hee!

Look what I found!

Show some spine candy.

Fire him!

Now, you're pretty fast on those slender ankles.

Okay, Speedy, this is Skipper, Bee, Shakespeare, Cassette, Skye, and Rockford.

Guys, this is Drew's dog, Speedy.

He's new in the neighborhood.

He's a little bit different from you.

But he can run, bark, bite, and sniff, but as good as any of you.

All right, now get out there and play.

Get out there.

Go on.

But stay in the yard.

And remember, you pee on it, you bot it.

Hey, have you guys seen the neighbors?

Everybody's outside looking for their dogs.

Yeah, we left a note with their cats.

Oh, it's nice to see Speedy making some new friends.

Look, they're really getting along.

Well, they're really getting along.

Didn't know Speedy could do that on wheels.

Yeah, it's kind of like John Voight and James Fondin coming home.

See why I call him Speedy?

Yeah.

Hey, remember that great idea I had about Howard Simon?

Uh-oh.

No, it's fine.

Everything's working out great.

Really?

No, that's my impression of a guy who makes good decisions.

No, here's my impression of a guy who's really upset.

He's a nightmare.

I got to fire him, but he's nuts.

He's right back to where he was in junior high.

Today he made Wilson call himself a duty head.

Drew, there's like 20 dogs having sex in your backyard.

It's Donkey Caligula out there.

I'll get the hose.

Whoa.

Never gonna let that dog lick my face again.

Are you okay?

I heard a rumor that you tried to fire Simon and he beat the crap out of you.

Actually, that's tomorrow.

Drew, you can do this.

You're his boss.

Just fire him.

No, you don't understand.

He's become that guy we were all scared of in high school again.

He's not that big, but he's got this look in his eye.

I'll let you know he's capable of anything.

There's something wrong with his head.

I always thought he was like hearing voices or something.

Welcome guys to hear voices.

Never hear anything good.

Hey, go track down the president.

Tell him what a great job he's doing.

Climb to the top of the watchtower and just enjoy the view.

Who made the solid Bonjourgie?

Drew, this guy is all bark.

Deep down, all bullies are really cowards.

Yeah, he gave you all the time in the world to get away.

The only warning he ever gave me was, hey, Lewis, you're bleeding.

I think he's scared of you.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can take him.

Yeah.

He's a scrawny loser who couldn't get a job till you helped him out.

Drew, you're a wrecking machine.

Ask any buffet line.

That's right.

Do to him what you did to the sizzler at Easter brunch.

Yeah.

And I ate on the way over there.

More fan mail from the Phantom?

Yeah.

Greetings from Empress Mimi of the Underworld.

From now on, your surface laws no longer apply to me.

P.S., I have found access to the cafeteria.

Operation Dessert Storm begins at noon tomorrow.

Oh, man, I sure am glad Wick didn't ask me to go down there and get her.

Just remember, don't shoot till you see the yellows, blues, and aquamarine of her eyes.

Oops, missed a spot.

Missed a spot.

In my homeland, I was surgeon.

Simon, we need to have a talk we should have had a long time ago.

Oh, sure.

It'll cost you a dollar.

It's not gonna cost me anything.

I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen.

Okay, look, I'll give you a big chance here.

And you turned on me.

This isn't just my work.

This is my home.

These people aren't my employees.

They're my friends.

There's no room for a bully around here.

That takes a lot of guts for you to say that, Drew.

Yeah, yeah, I got a lot of guts.

And you know why?

Because you may act tough.

But deep down inside, behind that clenched jaw and

that vein, it's starting to throb out in your head.

Deep down inside, you are just an insecure little boy.

I can still feel a ribby that break!

Oh, my God, I'm in the sub-basement.

Mimi!

What

the hell's the matter with you?

It's just been a while since I've seen you.

I like what you did with your face.

I just stood up to a bully.

Doesn't look like you stood up for very long.

My friends told me to stand up to him.

That all bullies are cowards.

Let me tell you something.

This bully was no coward.

He beat me.

That he beat me some more.

He was a very, very brave bully.

You idiot.

Like, nobody's ever been beat up by a bully before.

Yeah, but I fired him.

And that's the point.

That's why I came down here.

Mimi, I got good news.

You can come back up amongst the top dwellers.

Go back up there?

No way.

I'm the boss down here.

No jerks breathing down my neck.

No distractions from my work.

Best of all, no pigs undressing me with their eyes.

Well, this may just be the concussion talking, but...

It would really mean a lot to me personally if you would come back up.

I want a 50% raise.

Three extra vacation days so I can go to Club Med for singles.

Hey, if they let you in, sure.

Forget it.

It's still not enough.

What the hell do you want?

I want you to understand how I feel.

You don't know what it's like to be treated like some kind of leper.

That's where you're wrong, Mimi.

I know what it's like to be humiliated.

Oh, please.

Look, you have to promise you'll never tell anybody this, but...

I was in third grade, and it was Christmas time.

And I had to play a sheep in the school nativity play

because I couldn't fit into the shepherd costume.

You couldn't fit into a shepherd's costume?

They're robes for God's sake.

Oh, that's terrible.

There's more.

I crawled through the entire play, and it wasn't until I sat on a bale of hay

that I realized that my bare butt was exposed

because I'm sure I'll be around out of my costume.

Why weren't you wearing any underwear?

You only get one story.

Now, look, you have to promise you won't tell anybody about this.

Drew, I swear I won't repeat it to anyone.

Good.

Because for 15 years, everybody called me badass.

Don't worry, Drew.

It's our little secret.

Oh, by the way, the cafeteria is now open for lunch.

What?

Oh, nothing.

Gotta get some sleep.

Oh, I know it always works.

Hey, I'm getting tired.

Can't you stick a pill or something?