Original subtitles

What?

Listen to this.

Drew has his whole day planned.

Things to do with Lisa.

Afternoon, move Lisa in.

Nighttime options.

Share a silly secret.

Wash each other's hair.

That shouldn't take long.

Read a sexy story.

Give me that.

I'm trying to make sure everything goes alright.

This is the first time I've ever lived with a woman.

Oh my god, I'm gonna live with a woman.

Our little Drew's growing up.

Seems like only yesterday he was the older single man in the

neighborhood that all the parents kept their children away from.

Yeah, but now he's living with a woman.

Goodbye, police lineups.

Hey, Drew, how come you got coasters on all the bottle rings?

I can't see where my beer goes.

For your information, you put the coasters under the beer bottle in case it sweats.

So, do you sit on a coaster, Drew?

I'm knocking off.

This is serious.

You know, Lisa and I almost broke up a couple weeks ago.

Luckily, I came up with the idea of us moving in together.

Shut up.

It's gonna work.

Hey, remember the day I first moved in?

Like it was yesterday, Lois.

Couple crazy kids.

No furniture making minimum wage.

Things have changed.

Yeah.

They raised the minimum wage.

Hello.

Oh, holy Christmas, Drew.

This soup sucks.

It's not soup.

I'm simmering potpourri.

Well, I guess I shouldn't have put the hot dogs in.

Doylies.

Hey, pal.

Looks like a woman's coming over.

Woman on the ridge!

Woman on the ridge!

New age woman, independent woman.

Hey, look, Lois.

You're a fashion don't.

Okay, that's it.

Just put them back.

In the fan shape.

Drew, what are you doing here?

I'm freaking out.

That's what I'm doing.

What?

What?

Nothing.

Just act normal.

Hello, Lisa.

Hey, Drew.

Hello, Drew.

Hello, Lisa.

A carpet tree.

I always wondered where carpet came from.

Hey, thanks for getting Jay and his movers to help me, Kate.

I never thought anyone would do it for free.

Thanks for moving in with Drew.

I never thought anyone would do that for free.

At least, did you pack a litter box?

Oh, Miska doesn't use one.

She's toilet trained.

She's what?

Toilet trained.

She hops up on the seat and does her little business.

See, Oswald?

Even cats can do it.

Hey, at least I bury it.

Well, we're finally gonna do it.

God, we really are.

And I have a good feeling about this.

I mean, I don't care if all those women's magazines say it's a big mistake.

Ah, who reads that crap, Annie?

Uh-oh.

You'll have the door open.

Straits are getting in.

Come on, you.

Shoot.

Get outta here.

Wait, wait, wait.

These are my dogs.

Since when did you get two dogs?

My folks just moved into a condo where they don't allow animals, and since you...

And since you have such a great yard, I thought... You don't mind.

Oh, see?

The special surprises are starting already.

Oh, he likes you.

You know Mishka.

I love Mishka.

Yes.

And this is Chaplin.

Chaplin.

And Stinky.

Stinky.

Glad you get your name, huh?

Finally.

Come on, baby.

Oh, a veteran.

This is Speedy.

He's got a little hip problem.

Aw.

You know, I had an ant with a hip problem.

Oh, yeah?

But you have a lot less hair on your face.

No, we're gonna build you a special bed just for you, buddy.

Yeah.

Well, you know, they sleep in the bedroom with us.

Oh.

Now, Speedy, you're gonna see some things that you may not understand, but...

People do it facing each other.

Well, lookie here.

An employee change of address request.

Well, this must be a mistake, because Lisa put down 666 Pig Lane.

Isn't that your address?

One week and going strong, Mimi.

Jealous?

Oh.

Oh, shocking up with you.

Well, good God, I almost swallowed my tongue on that one.

Well, that would be bad.

And how would you feed from the high trees?

By any chance, does your mom know?

Well, that I'm living with Lisa?

I'm an adult.

I don't have to ask my mom.

She doesn't know.

She doesn't know.

I'm gonna call.

Put the lipstick down, Priscilla.

Put the phone down or I get pretty.

No, not my circus pink.

Well, I have a cold sore right here.

I'll call.

I'll call.

Hey, Drew.

Hey.

Hey.

How was your drive to work?

Great.

So, what's new?

Nothing much.

Oh, wait.

Last night?

Oh, you were there.

Well, then there was this morning.

Oh, you did it, actually.

So... So?

Oh.

Oh, by the way, they fixed the Xerox machine.

They needed some more toner.

Save a little something for dinner.

Oh.

Hey, Jake.

Hey, you ready for lunch, Drew?

Yeah.

Hey, uh, it's kind of upset on the phone.

Everything okay?

Yeah, I need your advice.

I got shot at a business opportunity, but I'm not sure whether to go for it or not.

Well, you came to the right cubicle, pal.

I can't tell you how many captains of industry sat in

that very chair, and I'll tell you what I told them.

Third door on the left, jiggle the handle.

My brother wants me to invest with him in a Dairy Queen.

Wow.

A Dairy Queen.

Yeah.

The only problem is it's in Farmington, Minnesota.

Yeah, yeah.

So let me get this straight.

You can get up at, like, 4 a.m.

and make yourself a peanut-buster parfait or... No, wait.

A dilly bar or... No, wait.

Wait, my head is spinning.

What are you waiting for, man?

Go do it!

Drew, I have to move to run the place.

Move?

Well, forget 4 a.m.

You could live there right underneath the nozzle.

Yeah, okay.

Now, if I move, what happens to me and Kate?

Oh, no.

I guess you have to break up.

Or she comes with me.

No, she's my best friend.

You break up.

It's very adult, Drew, but, um, it's a difficult situation.

Well, whatever you do, don't hurt her.

I'm gonna do to you what I did in 3rd grade when you played keep away with my pants.

You mean to hit yourself and run away crying?

Yeah, and let me tell you something, pal.

I cry a lot louder now.

Lisa?

Honey?

You gonna be in there long?

Sorry, Nishka.

You think you can get flushed this time?

Hey.

Oh, I can't stop thinking about what Jay said today.

How about you?

You know, I mean, uh, Kate Lee McLean, do you think she'd really do it?

Well, what if that happened to us, you know?

What if I were offered some big, million-dollar job in New York or something?

No, really.

Not a beautiful woman like Demi Moore pressured me into having sex.

Couldn't happen.

Remember the guy that won the lottery twice?

Hey, uh, is there any way we can train these dogs that would follow me around?

They're not following you.

They're following the food.

The food just always seems to be around you.

Clinton, you woke me up eating in bed last night.

It wasn't me.

That was your cat.

That's funny.

I don't remember my cat ever saying, Mm-mm, I loves me chips.

Hey, that was a private conversation between a man and his chips.

Okay, okay.

We'll talk about your diet later.

Should we get to the chorus?

Who's hungry?

Who's hungry?

I can't hear you!

Honey, I'm gonna go to the war saw and get a total pairs of the guys.

But we've got a brewery in the garage.

Yeah, but I feel like having a lunch here.

Okay, I'll miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

I'll be here.

No, you will.

Who's gonna miss Drew?

Who's gonna miss Drew?

Tim, give me a beer.

Man, what a night.

Tim, you don't know what it's like at my house these days.

Thank God I can still come here to get away from your problems.

Hey!

What are you doing here besides making that stool suffer?

Making yours jealous.

Just keep your hands off.

I'm here with the band.

Hey, Stosh!

If sex had a face, that would be it.

If nausea had a stomach, it would be mine.

So, I guess it's not going real well with Lisa.

You wouldn't be hanging out alone in a bar.

Look, I just came in to have a beer or two, and I'm gonna go home.

She's the one that should be tipping a few before battling the great white.

So, Amy, did you ever live with anybody?

I've had a toothbrush or two in my bathroom.

Well, if you don't mind me asking, how come it didn't work out?

I wasn't ready to be tied down.

Shut up!

Well, I mean, if you found the right person, it would have to work out, wouldn't it?

I can tell you're troubled.

Here's what you do.

You get off your bar stool, you get in your car,

and you drive until you find someone who cares.

Uh-oh, the polka sluts are circling.

Hey, go peddle your pierogies somewhere else, honey!

Hey, Drew, have you seen Jay?

He called up all nervous and wanted me to meet him here.

He said he's made the biggest decision of his life.

I think it's obvious what it's about, traditional burial or frozen.

I think he's gonna ask you to marry him.

Yeah, like that'll matter in a thousand years.

Why would he be thinking about marriage now?

I think I know.

I had lunch with him today, and he's got this

great business opportunity to move to Minnesota.

I hear wedding bells.

I love to hear those two special words.

Open bar.

What am I gonna do?

I never expected this.

I mean, I can't say yes.

We haven't even been dating a year yet.

I hope he takes it okay.

Here comes Wylie Coyote waiting for the anvil.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

Come on, let's all go to the bathroom.

Okay.

I can't listen.

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Okay.

Oh, Jay, don't.

What?

I'm tying my shoe.

Oh, go ahead.

Look, um, normally I don't move this fast, but something's

come up, and I don't think I should wait any longer to do this.

Oh, Jay.

I cosigned a loan for my brother, and I'm moving to Minnesota to run at Dairy Queen.

You know, this is all very romantic and everything,

but I can't let you go on with this proposal.

Proposal?

Um, you're not proposing to me?

Oh, geez, Kate.

I'm sorry that's what you were thinking.

Oh, I feel terrible.

So, you're just asking me to move to Minnesota with you?

Yeah, I feel worse.

So, what's this all about?

I told you I'm moving to Minnesota.

Uh -huh.

So, you're dumping me for a Dairy Queen?

Well, actually, it's one of those new ones with a drive-thru and a brazier.

But you don't want to hear about that.

Okay, so you're not proposing?

No.

And you're moving to Minnesota?

Yes.

I'm probably never going to see you again.

Probably not.

All right, that's it.

I am breaking up with you.

Kate, you're just upset.

Ten, nine... Hey, I don't know what you're doing, but you don't scare me.

Seven, six, five... You have anger issues.

Three, two, one... I'm not scared, but I'm leaving.

Kate, hey, are you okay?

She's moving to Minnesota without me.

Kate, if it makes you feel any better, you can hit me.

That didn't help.

She didn't have to hit me so hard.

Love hurts, buddy.

Oh, yeah?

I'm going to get in shape.

And when I do, I'm going to come back and kick love's ass.

Uh, Kate, are you sure you should be driving?

Yeah, it calms me down.

Move it!

Oh, great.

The police.

You said the police?

That's Lewis in the back crying.

Man, one day you're in love.

The next day is in Minnesota.

What's the point of it all?

The point is to stay between the painted lines.

Who cares?

Oh, Katie.

Okay, I got the wheel.

Grab her.

Guys, this is a terrible plan.

She's still got the accelerator.

I never told my father I loved him.

Oh, stop it!

Well, let's just go to Oswald and Lewis' place, and we'll

have a couple beers, and we'll sort this whole thing out.

Our house?

We never go to our house.

We don't even like to go to our house.

Wait, I know where we can go.

I know it'll make little Katie feel better.

We're going to J's!

Well, will we actually be stopping at J's,

or is this more of a drive-by type situation?

I am so glad you guys talked to me out of going to J's.

You know, tonight should have been the worst night of my life.

But thanks to friends like you and two pounds of cheap Chinese in my belly,

tomorrow morning is going to be the worst night of my life.

I gotta go pee.

Okay.

I see you guys are still buying in bulk.

When I was dating a Russian girl, I was trying to impress her.

Lewis!

Seat's hanging on the wall, Kate.

Hey, we got messages.

How many?

Twelve.

Yeah.

Hey, Lewis, it's Oswald.

Going to the worst side tonight?

Hey, Oswald, Lewis here.

You going to the Warsaw?

Lewis, you there?

It's Oswald.

I'm thinking about the worst side tonight.

Hey, it's me, Lewis.

You there?

This is Oswald.

Pick up if you're there, man.

Hey, maybe we should do something else tonight.

Now.

We'll get the rest later.

Oh, I see you almost finished your latest masterpiece.

Oh, yeah.

I call it, uh, petticoat junction.

You see, there's the hotel and, uh, Mother's Uncle Joe.

Still a-movin', sorta slow.

At the junction.

Ah!

There's a dead cockroach on a toothpick in there!

Yeah, I do that as a warning to all the other cockroaches.

You know, you guys have been great, but I'm ready to call it a night.

Come on, Drew.

You can drop me off on your way home.

Uh, no.

You're not ready to go home.

Yeah, I am.

No, you had all the Chinese.

Remember what my dad used to say?

Close the door if you're going to do that.

No, he said...

don't make Drew go home if...

if she's there and her dogs are there and her cattle pee's on his toilet as air,

she keeps singing as she never gets to the damn chorus.

Drew, is there something you want to talk about?

Don't make me go home.

Please don't make me go home.

It's the first time that's ever been said in this apartment.

Well, Drew, when you first move in with

somebody, there's always a period of adjustment.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, take Oswald with me, huh?

I mean, I used to come home at all kinds of weird hours working at drug code,

but, you know, when I got home, there was always a sandwich waiting for me.

I never made you a sandwich.

If you always made my bed, that was nice.

I never made your bed.

Well, that changes our whole relationship.

And our locks.

Wendy's?

Burger King?

McDonald's?

What am I, a rookie?

Come on, challenge me.

Drew, it's 3.30 in the morning.

There's not a fryer left gurgling in Cleveland.

You have to go home.

I know a little after-hours grill where you can get

some French fries and the cops will turn their heads.

Oh, Drew.

I don't want to go home.

I don't know what to say to her.

You know, it's crazy.

Years ago, if you'd have told me I'd end up

with a woman like Lisa, I wouldn't believe it.

And then, if you would have told me I was trying to get out of it, I'd say,

well, I can't really deal with that until I'm done defending my Mr. Universe title.

Drew, I know things aren't good for you at home right now.

And the only way that people can solve their problems is through open,

healthy communication.

Oh, you can just pull over here.

Thanks, Drew.

Vistally broken up!

Go, go, go, before it wakes up!

Dear Drew, I sense you're having some problems staying at my friend Laura's.

The animals are with me.

Please call me in the morning Lisa.

She left me.

I'm all alone.

Oh, I'm all alone.

Oh, the house is mine.

No more stupid stuff.

Oh, except for this one.

No more catching on my toilet.

Oh, I can rub my butt upon the cat tree.

Oh, the house is mine.

Do the butt tree dance.

Oh, you can rub your butt on the cat tree any time.

Oh, I see you got my note.

No?

What note?

Oh, this is from you?

Oh my God, no.

Drew, stop it.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, you should have seen my dance.

Although, my finale did not include the cat tree.

So, you weren't happy?

About as happy as you.

That bad?

Oh my God, honey.

Look, it's four in the morning, and I know you

gave up your place, and we invested a lot in this.

So, you know, if you want to give another shot, I mean, we'll go to counseling,

we'll read books.

I already called the cab.

Okay, let me help you with your bags.

Thanks, Drew.

I've had some fun times these last couple of weeks.

It's only been a week.

Oh, man.

I'll see your work.

Hey, one more thing.

Can I keep Speedy?

Well, sure you can.

Oh, that was your plan all along, wasn't it?

Yeah, see, most guys are nice to the crippled

dog to get the girl, but me on the other hand...

Hey, Steve, that's for dumping me right before the prom.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, Susie, that's for telling people I stuffed.

Move it.

That's for the C-minus, sister Beatrice.

Go, go, go.

Hey, you, you.

Who are we up to?

Uh, Pat Clemmons, seventh grade.

Oh, yeah.

That's for giving me mono.

Go, go, move it.