Original subtitles

Good morning, Pig.

Good morning, Mamie.

Did you do something to your hair?

My hair is exactly the same.

Oh, well.

I guess the snakes change colors.

Well, that's odd.

I thought weebles wobbled, but they didn't fall down.

What was that for?

That was for snitching that I was late yesterday.

Okay, fair enough.

Could you do me a favor and give me last year's evaluations from the file cabinet?

I'm not that stupid.

You think I don't know that this thing's been booby-trapped?

That's for putting equal in my sugar.

Well, the joke's on you, because now I get to be barefoot all day long.

Will you need some new shoes?

I'll make you some.

Now, where did I put my anvil?

Here's your stupid file.

You could have just printed out your own copy.

I already entered it in the computer.

What?

You've been messing with my computer?

What did you do, plan a virus?

No, I helped you open your own pig site, www.big.pig.

I'm warning you.

Have you been screwing with this?

Bite me.

Bite me.

Bite me.

Don't call it.

That's it.

I'm not playing any more of your pity games.

I have work to do.

Oh, man.

Now we'll know if you touch all the donuts.

What's so funny?

Nothing.

I'm just smiling along with you.

Oh, great.

Now I need a wet nap.

Well, I always keep a box on hand, just in case my

prayers are answered and it starts raining baby back ribs.

You mean in case you're brown-nosing and you

need to clean off your portable boss seat?

Just give me one, please.

No, wait.

Get your own.

You know what?

You deserve what I put in your top left -hand drawer.

Oh, yeah?

You open it.

Wimp.

Ooh, a dirty magazine.

Mimi, I'm so disappointed in you.

Crazy glue injected into your wet naps in a dirty magazine.

And it must be my lucky day because your fly's open.

What?

Why is it open?

Yeah.

I think the sales reports get in here now.

Now I know what your weekends look like.

Love

evaluation time.

Ask, prepare to be kissed.

Drew, I know everyone's gonna be sucking up to you today, but I'm just gonna be

brutally honest, and I know that you're gonna give me a fair evaluation.

First of all, you're losing way too much weight.

You know, I'd be concerned about that too, Kate.

And second of all, you should be careful how

often you dull out that thousand-watt smile.

How's a gal supposed to concentrate on her work?

Is that why women turn their heads when I walk by?

And finally, with no disrespect to Denzel Washington, you are the sexiest man alive.

Hey, Kate?

Yeah?

You did pretty good, not cracking a smile this year.

Drew, I was being totally sincere.

Gotta go.

Looking hard, swine butt.

Hey, you can't touch those.

They're confidential.

It's okay.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna look at them except the puff

piece you wrote on your little pencil holder, Lisa.

Wait a minute, this is no Valentine.

Needs to show more maturity in the managerial area,

occasionally lacks patience, stupid and blind.

I didn't write that.

She's dating you, isn't she?

Am I so mean today?

Run out of Mimi Chow?

Hey, Drew.

Uh, thanks, Mimi.

I'll take those papers right to the recycling bin for you.

Yeah, you mean these evaluations?

Oh, look, here's Lisa's.

I wonder what it says.

Nice try, Mimi, but Lisa's much too secure in her job to want to see her evaluation.

Isn't that right, Lisa?

Secure?

Yes.

Curious?

Yes.

Wishing I'd said yes last night.

Maybe.

No job's worth that, honey.

You didn't write anything bad, did you, Drew?

No, in fact, I remember a little something about asset to the company.

I'll see you tonight for dinner.

Oh, wait, you know, I can't.

I'm going clothes shopping with Kate.

Kate wants your advice on buying clothes?

No, I want hers.

We've been doing it every year since high school.

She even taught me what side of the gap to shop on.

Oh, well, that's okay.

Actually, I just remembered I'm going shopping with my friend Antonio tonight.

He wants me to help him pick out a cup.

Lisa, she's my best friend.

Yeah, and I'm your girlfriend.

Well, why does this have to make you so crazy?

Hey, don't call me crazy!

Oh, honey, we're both getting a little upset.

I think it's time.

Okay.

What I like most about you is... your sense of humor and your sexy voice.

And what I like most about you is...

you make me laugh, and you cry at movies.

That'll do, pig.

That's all he said.

That'll do, pig.

And you knew what he felt.

But you just have a great time with Kate.

But please, remember, things go on clearance for a reason.

Yeah.

Like, I'm going to buy yellow spandex pants again after all those papaya jokes.

Hey, Drew.

I found this basket on my desk, and I'm allergic to muffins.

Oh, you mean just like you were last year on evaluation day.

Oh, really?

Is today evaluation day?

I didn't know.

I don't know.

Let me check.

Anyone have a pen I can borrow?

Yep.

It's today.

Well, anyway, I figured, you know, you being the greatest guy in the world and all.

..

Attention, office.

The evaluations are already in management's hands.

There's no longer any reason to bootlick Drew Carey.

Here, give me a little hand off my basket, Drew.

Since you were allergic, allergic to tubby hands on my basket.

Drew, come on down.

I don't want to.

These pants have a problem.

Oh, sure.

Blame the pants.

Come on.

How bad could they look?

Well, there was the famous MC Hammer pants incident.

And, of course, Drew was the last actual member of members only.

Okay, I'm coming down.

What's wrong?

They look great.

Yeah, but they wrinkle weird.

What do you mean wrinkle weird?

I don't know.

They kind of, you know, they tent.

Oh, come on.

I'm sure you're making a mountain out of a mole here.

Come on.

Have a seat.

Man, I've seen puppets before, but that's a three-ring circus.

Wow, is there still snow on top of it in the summertime?

We have to discuss this, because I'm either

taking them back or I'm buying 20 more pairs.

Who is it?

Someone who needs more maturity in the managerial

area to be a greater asset to the company?

Well, the big top's coming down.

Hey, guys.

Drew, can I talk to you?

Want to see what I can do with my new pants?

Drew, that evaluation you wrote questions my home management technique.

I don't think so.

I think you're exaggerating.

Oh, I exaggerate.

Why didn't you put that in my evaluation?

There wasn't any room after all the bad stuff I put in there.

Just because I'm your girlfriend, you're worried that people will think

you're playing favorite, so you're tougher on me.

Not exactly.

Not exactly what?

Not exactly.

I was being honest.

Sit down, Drew.

Show her the trick.

Look, I put some good things in there, too, but I have to be objective.

You know, I take my job seriously.

Wow, you must really think I'm bad at my job.

And how can you call me immature?

I wasn't the one in the bathtub yelling, Hey, look, it's a jacuzzi.

Look, come on, have a seat.

The thing I like most about you is...

I can see what you like best about me.

That's it.

Don't walk out on me.

You're walking out of my pants.

That is just great.

That's just what Lisa and I need right now.

How did she get hold of her evaluation, anyway?

There's only one person diabolical enough to have done this.

Mimi Kate.

Who do you think you'd be, Kate?

I'm gonna get back at Mimi in a way she will never forget.

She's gonna rue the day she ever decided to mess with Drew Carey.

This is my independence day.

Hey, Drew, I got a big day tomorrow night.

I think I can borrow your pants.

Gotta thank you, Chuck.

I could have never read up Mimi's desk like this all by myself.

Careful with that, Drew.

We wouldn't want those to detonate too soon.

I can't believe you had all these instructions right off the internet.

Yeah, you'd be surprised what you can pick up in the teen chat room.

Hey, that reminds me.

I gotta log on and tell Brittany what happened on 90210.

Sorry, Drew.

Lisa wouldn't take any of her gifts.

But she did say she'd come up and see you.

By the way, if you're apologizing to somebody, you

might want to give them something better, chocolates.

What?

They're Belgian chocolates.

No, Belgian chocolates.

Imitation chocolate substitute.

Man, I got them from the same guy who sold me my brand-new Follex.

Hello, Drew.

Did you want to talk about something work -related,

or do you want to give me a diamond norkless?

Okay, I thought about what you said, and you're right.

Maybe I did overcompensate just a little on

your evaluation, because you're my girlfriend.

It's not just that.

It's your job.

I have to know sometimes you'd put me first.

It goes without saying I'd be there for you.

Hey, let's take the rest of the day off.

We'll say we're sick.

Today?

I got some pranks I want to watch.

Oh, so now you've got pranks that are more important than me?

I'm getting back at Mimi for showing you your evaluation.

She didn't show me my evaluation.

Yes, she did.

No, she didn't.

Don't tell me Mimi didn't show your evaluation.

I got trolls about to explode.

I walked into the sales manager's office and asked to see my evaluation,

and he showed it to me.

Oh, my God.

I've got to get busy.

Honey, why don't you grab your coat and go downstairs?

I'll be just a second.

Okay.

I can't believe we're doing this.

What I like most about you is if anything

explodes, at least I won't be described as a loner.

Mimi, what happened to you?

None of your beeswax pinhead.

I'm trying to show some concern.

Obviously, you injured one of your hind legs.

I hurt my leg running to get the bone.

It turns out my sister's been rushed into emergency surgery.

She's probably under the knife right now.

Oh, Mimi, I'm so sorry.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone

with my thoughts until the hospital calls.

Don't go behind your desk.

I mean, maybe you should just take the day off.

I can't.

I used up all my sick days following kiss on tour.

Well, uh, at least let me get you a more comfortable chair.

Hey, you ready, Drew?

Almost.

Okay, I'll wait.

No, that's not necessary.

Look, uh, it'll only be a second.

Why don't you just go wait down in the car?

Oh, by the way, I parked in the sun, so you might want

to put a towel down in the car before you sit down.

You are so thoughtful.

Hang on, bud.

Hello?

Hello?

It's for you.

Of course it's for me.

It's my phone.

Keep your hands off my crap.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, I took her to the hospital.

They're going to do it right away.

Okay, bye.

Touch one more thing and you're going to know how a popsicle feels.

Um, I was just taking your trolls over to my desk, because I'm going to take the day

off, and I thought you might like to sit closer to

the sun, because you're such a beautiful flower.

No way, Drew.

I know you.

You probably got that rigged or something.

Uh, don't hurt yourself in and over.

Let me get that.

Hey, maybe.

Have you got a pen I can borrow?

I'm sure.

Uh, no, not that one.

It's empty.

$15,000, $14,000.

I got it.

I'm starting to like this.

Hello.

No, you idiot.

Wrong number.

Hey, by the way, uh, Henderson told me about your sister.

Is there anything we could do for you?

Well, a little prayer wouldn't hurt.

Insult man.

Insult man from Mimi Bobick from Drew Carey.

Oh, my God, I forgot.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, you got to be Mimi.

That photo of you sitting who's black and white, but

are those your eyelids or two monkeys bending over?

Oh, look, Hal, I think that's enough, okay?

Hey, hey, what?

Did the trailer park cancel the dance?

Good night, everybody.

Drive safely.

Look, everybody, I made a bad choice.

I scheduled all this stuff yesterday to get back at

Mimi for something it turns out she didn't even do.

It's okay, Drew.

It's just that on this day of all days...

Drew, are you ever going to stop tormenting this poor woman?

Yes, absolutely.

I am done.

Okay, now I'm done.

Mimi, I am so sorry.

Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Well, you could work for me today.

Sure, anything you want.

Just stop crying, okay?

Oh, by the way, the hard drive crashed and I have to re-enter everybody's everything.

What?

Oh, yeah, but cheer up.

My sister's in the hospital.

It's just for liposuction.

You made me pray for your sister's liposuction?

And light a candle, because I'm going to get a pedicure.

Sorry, Jeremy.

You've got to wake up.

You could lose Lisa.

You left her in a car and forgot all about her.

Yeah, look, I know I messed up, but you know how

hard I am working to make this relationship work.

I just wish I knew if Lisa and I were meant for each other.

There's no way to know.

I mean, how does anybody know what's going to happen in, like, 20 years?

I know.

In 20 years, there'll be no cars, no money, and sex will be with machines.

So, in other words, for you, almost nothing will change.

Look, you know, I'll be okay.

I'll just sleep on it tonight, and by tomorrow, I'll know what to do.

Well, I don't think she's going to wait outside till tomorrow.

What do you mean, she's here?

Now?

Oh, do you want us to stay?

Yeah, we'll stay.

Yeah, we'll stay.

Lisa, you didn't have to do that.

You didn't have to bring me all the stuff I left over at your house.

Well, I thought you might want these things back.

Well, look, let me start by apologizing.

True, true.

It's not about that.

It's about... well, everything.

I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Move in together.

I think we should move in together.

You know, that's been our biggest problem, is we just don't see enough of each other.

This way, we'll see each other all the time.

You see, it'll be perfect.

We'll have to get along.

Get along?

Hell, we'll have to love each other.

Why don't we think of this before?

We've been too busy fighting.

Oh, this is going to be great.

Let's celebrate.

True.

The bedroom.

Oh, yeah.

Even better.

True.

You will self-destruct in five seconds.

I'll pull.

Get me up.

Move it.