Original subtitles

BASKETBALL IS WAR.

TO LOSE IS TO DIE.

LAST SATURDAY,

WE GOT KILLED.

I AM ASHAMED TO BE YOUR COACH.

SHOULD WE TURN IN OUR UNIFORMS?

SHOULD WE JUST GIVE UP?

SHOULD WE ADMIT WE'RE LOSERS,

OR SHOULD WE STOP THE LOLLYGAGGING

AND START PLAYING SOME BASKETBALL?

NOW LISTEN UP, LADIES.

I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR MY HEALTH.

I DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR MY HEALTH.

I'M NOT DOING THIS 'CAUSE THE SHORTS MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.

I GOT BETTER SHORTS, SHORTS YOU'LL NEVER SEE.

NO, I AM DOING THIS FOR THE WINFRED-LOUDER DEPARTMENT STORE.

AND IF I'M GONNA VOLUNTEER MY TIME,

I WANNA SEE SOME EFFORT!

I WANNA SEE SWEAT! I WANNA SEE BLOOD!

I WANNA SEE SOMEONE GET HURT!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

[SOFTLY] YES.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

YES, MR. CAREY, SIR!

THAT'S BETTER.

NOW, I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO SAY HELLO

TO YOUR NEW ASSISTANT COACH,

MISS KATE O'BRIEN.

HELLO, MISS O'BRIEN, SIR!

CALL ME KATE. HI.

I USED TO PLAY BASKETBALL,

AND I USED TO BE 10 YEARS OLD,

SO, FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ABOUT ANYTHING.

AND DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO DREW.

HE'S JUST A BIG OL' TEDDY BEAR.

KATE, DON'T, UH, RUB MY STOMACH.

WHEN WE'RE IN A BUSINESS MEETING,

DO I COME UP TO YOU AND HONK YOUR BREASTS?

LISTEN UP, LADIES.

SOME OF YOU GOT A LITTLE WINDED LAST GAME,

SO, UH, WE'RE GONNA START THIS PRACTICE OFF WITH 10 LAPS.

[MOANING]

YES, PATRICIA?

I CAN'T RUN TODAY.

I JUST GOT MY EARS PIERCED, AND THEY HURT.

"I CAN'T RUN TODAY. I JUST GOT

MY EARS PIERCED, AND THEY HURT."

FINE, IF IT HURTS THAT BAD, WHY DON'T YOU

JUST GRAB YOUR LITTLE DOLLY AND GO HOME?

FREEZE! YES!

OH, SO NOW YOU CAN RUN.

GET BACK THERE.

YOU CAN ALL THANK PATRICIA HERE FOR 5 MORE LAPS.

OK!

AND THEN ICE CREAM AT MY PLACE,

AND THEN I'VE GOT HOME MOVIES

OF DREW SINGING THE LEAD IN PIRATES OF PENZANCE.

DON'T BABY 'EM, KATE.

THEY'LL BE THANKING ME NEXT FRIDAY

WHEN THEY'RE FIGHTING THE ENEMY.

DREW, WE'RE PLAYING CHUCK E. CHEESE.

YEAH, WELL, WE LET OUR GUARD DOWN FOR BABY GAP.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE.

[DRILL CADENCE] ♪ WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS GAME WITH EASE! ♪

Girls: ♪ WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS GAME WITH EASE! ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA KICK SOME CHUCK E. CHEESE! ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA KICK SOME CHUCK E. CHEESE! ♪

♪ MOON OVER PARMA, BRING MY LOVE TO ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ GUIDE HER TO CLEVELAND UNDERNEATH YOUR SILVERY LIGHT ♪

♪ WE'RE GOIN' BOWLIN' ♪

♪ SO DON'T LOSE HER IN SOLON ♪

♪ MOON OVER PARMA TONIGHT ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

DREW, IS IT READY YET?

YEAH, COME ON, MAN.

THE BROWNS GAME IS ALMOST ON.

HEY, I'VE NEVER MADE MY MOM'S BEER CHILI BEFORE,

AND I WANNA MAKE SURE I GET THIS RIGHT.

NOW, IT'S TIME FOR THE SECRET INGREDIENT. TURN YOUR HEADS.

GEE, DREW, SOUNDS LIKE YOU JUST POURED YOUR BEER IN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COMING.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY. YOU REMEMBER MY SISTER JANET?

HI! HEY!

HEY! HEY. HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, LOOK, SHE BROUGHT US A KID.

THIS IS GONNA LOOK GREAT IN THE BACKYARD.

UH, NO, NO, NO, NO!

THIS IS MY DAUGHTER MONICA.

WHOA! SOMEONE WE KNOW REPRODUCED.

SO, UH, JANET, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK IN TOWN?

WELL, MONICA HAS NEVER SEEN SNOW.

SO I DECIDED TO PACK UP ALL OUR THINGS

AND MOVE BACK TO CLEVELAND.

HEY, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE

COME TO CLEVELAND FOR THE SNOW,

BUT IT'S THE SLUSH THAT KEEPS 'EM HERE.

OH, IT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON.

THE INSURANCE COMPANY SHE WORKS FOR

IS PAYING HER BIG BUCKS TO RELOCATE.

OH!

YEAH, THE LAST STATISTICIAN RAN OFF

AND LEFT HIS WIFE AND THEIR 2.5 KIDS...

BILLY, AMY, AND JE...

WELL, YOU SURE LOOK A LOT BETTER

THAN YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE 15.

WELL, THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

NOT FOR ME.

I STILL LOOK LIKE MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK PICTURE.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU GOT RID OF THOSE DORKY GLASSES.

YOU MEAN HIS BIRTH-CONTROL GLASSES?

DON'T KNOCK 'EM. THEY WORKED!

GOD, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

I REALLY MISSED YOU.

SO, MONICA, READY FOR SOME OF THE INFAMOUS

CAREY ALL-MEAT BEER CHILI?

IT'S GOT BEEF, CHICKEN, PORK,

AND ALL THE ROAD KILL WE COULD CARRY.

I'M A VEGETARIAN.

SO WERE ALL THE ANIMALS WE KILLED TO PUT IN HERE.

I'VE SEEN VIDEOS WHERE THEY SHOOT COWS IN THE HEAD

WITH BOLT GUNS.

SOMETIMES THEY MISS AND THEY HAVE TO KEEP SHOOTING

UNTIL THE COW DIES.

IT'S REALLY GOOD!

HEY, MONICA, YOU PLAY BASKETBALL?

I DON'T REALLY LIKE SPORTS.

YOU DON'T LIKE SPORTS AND YOU DON'T EAT MEAT?

WHY DO YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE YOU DON'T LIKE SPORTS

'CAUSE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON A TEAM

COACHED BY ME AND DREW.

YEAH, MONICA, ALL THE GIRLS LOVE IT.

IT'S REAL LAID-BACK, YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST... IT'S JUST ABOUT FUN.

I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA, MONICA.

MAN, WHEN I WAS A KID, I WAS REALLY INTO SPORTS.

YEAH, SHE WON ALL THE TROPHIES AT SUMMER CAMP.

SUMMER CAMP? I FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

YOU GUYS WERE REALLY HOT AND HEAVY THAT WHOLE SUMMER.

YEAH. SHE WAS HOT AND HE WAS HEAVY.

THE GAME'S ON.

OH! WHY DON'T YOU GIRLS GRAB A BUNCH OF NAPKINS,

AND, UH, ME AND THE GUYS WILL BRING THE CHILI IN.

WHY'D YOU GUYS BREAK UP ANYWAY?

OH, SHE DUMPED ME FOR A GUY WITH A BIGGER CANOE.

SO, UH...

JANET'S LOOKING PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH.

HAS A NICE KID.

YEAH. I LIKE HER.

SO, UH, SHE SEEING ANYBODY?

DREW, SHE'S 10 YEARS OLD!

I WAS TALKING ABOUT JANET.

OH. WELL, UH,

ACTUALLY, I'M KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT JANET.

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A COUPLE OF YEARS SINCE THE DIVORCE.

I DON'T WANT HER TO TURN INTO SOME KOOKY OLD LADY

WHO TAKES IN STRAY ANIMALS

AND SLEEPS ON A BED OF ROTTING NEWSPAPER.

OH, HOW IS YOUR MOM?

SHE'S GOOD. THANKS.

OK, MIMI, JUST, UH,

GIVE ME MY MESSAGES AND LAY ON THE INSULTS.

I'M BUSY, DREW. THERE WAS JUST THIS LENGTHY CONTRACT

FROM THE TEMP AGENCY.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

OH, ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

I WAS GONNA SAY, "HAVE A NICE DAY.

I HOPE YOU SWALLOW YOUR TONGUE."

NO, YOU WEREN'T. YOU WERE BEING PLEASANT,

AND THAT'S WHERE YOU WENT WRONG.

GIVE ME THAT ENVELOPE.

"DEAR MR. CAREY,

"WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS.

"BLAH BLAH BLAH.

"ON THE OCCASION OF HIRING YOUR 100th TEMP FROM US,

"PLEASE ACCEPT THESE TICKETS FOR YOURSELF

"AND TWO GUESTS

"TO THE ROLLING STONE BENEFIT CONCERT

AT THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME."

AARGH.

YOU'RE GETTING STRONGER.

I CAN FEEL IT.

SOMEDAY WE MAY BE EQUALS.

UNTIL THEN...

DREW, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET US

FOR LUNCH IN THE LOBBY.

LEWIS IS STILL OUT THERE.

WAIT!

I HAVE SOMETHING IN THIS ENVELOPE

THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU GUYS FALL IN LOVE

WITH ME ALL OVER AGAIN.

WHO IS FREE SATURDAY NIGHT TO GO SEE

THE ROLLING STONES?

OH!

OH, NO, THANKS. I'M NOT THAT BIG OF A FAN.

BUT, KATE, IT'S THE ROLLING STONES.

WELL, NAME ONE SONG OFF THEIR LAST ALBUM.

BUT IT'S THE ROLLING STONES!

HEY, I GOT A DEEJAY JOB, BUT I MAY GET OFF EARLY.

OH, YEAH, HOW EARLY?

WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.

IT'S A SENIOR CITIZENS' DANCE.

YOU PLAY RECORDS UNTIL SOMEONE FALLS.

WAIT A SECOND.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK JANET?

OH, SHE'LL NEVER GO OUT WITH ME.

YOU KNOW, UM,

SHE'S A SENIOR, AND I'M A JUNIOR.

COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD A CRUSH ON HER.

AND IT'S A GOOD TIME.

YOU'RE NOT SEEING ANYONE.

PLEASE, I'M ALREADY USING THAT EXCUSE FOR NOT EXERCISING.

COME ON, DREW,

SHE'S JUST GETTING OVER HER DIVORCE.

SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO EASE BACK INTO THINGS WITH A NICE, STABLE GUY.

YEAH, WHEN YOU'RE JUST GETTING BACK ON THE HORSE,

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR FIRST RACE

TO BE THE KENTUCKY DERBY. YEAH.

WHAT AM I, THE PETTING ZOO?

YOU KNOW, DREW, IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU

TO GET BACK IN THE SADDLE, TOO.

I MEAN, THE ONLY OTHER PERSON OUT THERE IS LISA,

AND YOU CAN'T SEE HER.

MAYBE I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR HER.

AND THIS LISA THAT YOU LIKE BUT DON'T ACTUALLY SEE,

CAN OTHER PEOPLE SEE HER?

IS SHE HERE NOW?

SHUT UP.

I CAN'T SEE HER BECAUSE SHE WORKS FOR ME.

WELL, THEN THERE'S NO REASON

THAT YOU SHOULDN'T GO OUT WITH JANET.

SHE'S COMING OFF A BAD DIVORCE.

IT'S A PERFECT TIME.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ANYMORE IN CLEVELAND.

HER KID NEEDS A DAD.

SHE'S LIMPING, DREW.

YOU CAN SEPARATE HER FROM THE HERD.

WELL, OK, YOU TALKED ME INTO IT.

BUT IF SHE REJECTS ME...

WHO REJECTS YOU?

YOUR SISTER. HE'S GONNA ASK HER OUT.

NO WAY.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

YOU CAN'T DATE MY SISTER.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I DATED YOUR MOM?

EWW! HEY!

OK, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS.

LEWIS, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH DREW DATING YOUR SISTER.

DREW, I THINK IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA.

YEAH.

BUT WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT?

IF SHE DUMPS YOU, IT COULD BE REALLY AWKWARD.

AND IF YOU DUMP HER, THERE'LL BE NOBODY

TO COMFORT HER 'CAUSE EVERYONE

WILL BE TOO BUSY TRYING TO CATCH THE MONKEYS

THAT ARE FLYING OUT OF MY BUTT.

LEWIS, IT'S JUST A HARMLESS LITTLE DATE.

THERE'S NOTHING TO GET EXCITED ABOUT.

FINE.

ASK HER OUT.

FALL IN LOVE.

GET MARRIED.

HAVE A SUNSET CEREMONY.

I SEE PASTELS, MAYBE A GIANT TURTLE.

IT'LL BE JUST ONE BIG DREW AND JANET PARTY,

AND I'LL BE THE MAYOR OF LOVELAND.

OH, GOD, I HOPE THAT DOESN'T RUN IN THE FAMILY.

[SHOUTING] THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT, DREW.

[SHOUTING] YEAH, AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT'D BE A PROBLEM

SITTING NEXT TO THAT BIG SPEAKER,

BUT IT TURNED OUT OK. YEAH.

I THINK YOUR SMOKE ALARM'S GOING OFF.

NO, I THINK IT'S US.

OH.

YOU KNOW, MONICA'S GONNA BE REALLY UPSET

THAT SHE FELL ASLEEP AND DIDN'T GET TO SAY

GOOD NIGHT TO YOU.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I'LL SEE HER AROUND.

YEAH.

WELL...

GOOD NIGHT.

NIGHT.

SEE YA. OK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UH...

K-KEEPING AN EYE ON THE TABLE.

STAY.

STAY.

WELL?

IT'S KILLING ME. HOW'D THE DATE GO?

WELL, WE HAD REALLY GREAT SEATS.

YOU COULD ALMOST SEE THE ANGEL OF DEATH

RIGHT BEHIND KEITH RICHARDS.

NOT THE CONCERT, THE DATE.

OH, ROTTEN.

SHE WAS REALLY INTO NUMBERS AND STATISTICS

AND PRETTY MUCH BORED ME 72% OF THE TIME.

AW.

BUT MONICA HAD A GOOD TIME.

I MEAN, I SHOWED HER AROUND

THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

AND, UH, I EVEN SHOWED HER

HOW SOMEONE COULD CHOKE ON THEIR OWN VOMIT.

YOU WOULD THINK THESE ROCK STARS

WOULD KNOW THE RIGHT WAY TO THROW UP.

THEY DATE MODELS.

ANYWAY, I THINK MONICA AND I REALLY HIT IT OFF.

I MEAN, UH, I THINK SHE'S GONNA JOIN THE BASKETBALL TEAM,

AND I'M GONNA TAKE HER TO THE MALL NEXT WEEKEND.

WE'RE GONNA COUNT FAT PEOPLE.

OH.

I'M SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, DREW.

YOU HAD SUCH A BIG CRUSH ON HER.

YEAH. AND THE REAL SHAME IS,

NOW I'LL NEVER GET TO SEE THOSE MONKEYS

FLY OUT OF LEWIS' BUTT.

AFTERNOON, LISA.

GOOD AFTERNOON, DREW.

I'LL NEED THOSE REQUISITION FORMS THIS AFTERNOON.

SURE, I'LL HAVE THEM ON YOUR DESK BY 5:00.

I CHEATED ON YOU.

YOU MEAN, THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE

YOU'RE NOT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH?

WHO ISN'T SHE?

WELL, SHE'S NOT YOU.

I, UH, I HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT.

I HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT.

YOU WERE ON FIRE AND I PUT YOU OUT WITH A BIG HOSE.

THEN YOU TURNED INTO MY MOTHER, AND MY HANDS FELL OFF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

IT MEANS YOU SHOULDN'T REPEAT YOUR DREAMS TO ANYBODY...

EVER.

I'LL NEED THOSE FORMS IN TRIPLICATE.

THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS CRAZY.

WE STEAL THESE LITTLE MOMENTS TOGETHER

JUST TO TORTURE OURSELVES ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP

WE CAN'T HAVE.

SAME TIME TOMORROW?

YOU BET. UH...

I'LL BE, UH, I'LL BE DREAMING ABOUT YOU.

I'LL BE DREAMING ABOUT YOU, TOO.

I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK ON THIS, DREW.

YEAH.

SURPRISE!

HOLY CRA... I MEAN...

HI! HOW YOU DOING?

WELL, WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A NICE SECOND DATE

IF WE BROUGHT YOU LUNCH AT WORK.

OH, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

YOU KNOW, I ALREADY HAD A PICNIC FOR BREAKFAST.

YOU KNOW, DREW,

EVERYTHING JUST CLICKED LAST NIGHT.

MAYBE IT WAS FATE THAT BROUGHT ME BACK FROM CALIFORNIA,

BUT IT'S JUST SO WEIRD. I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT YOU IN YEARS,

AND NOW I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU.

ARE YOU SURE? HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED?

OH, YOU'RE NOT GETTING RID OF US THAT EASY.

LOOK, UH, MAYBE THIS IS THE KIND OF THING

WE SHOULD KEEP TO OURSELVES.

I MEAN, NOT BETWEEN US,

I MEAN, YOU KEEP IT TO YOURSELF,

I KEEP IT TO MYSELF.

TUNA SALAD OR CHICKEN SALAD?

[SIGHS] OH, THIS LOOKS GOOD.

HEY, LOOK, IT'S THE POWER RANGERS!

MMM MMM.

THAT WAS TASTY.

ALL RIGHT, GET OUT OF HERE.

NOTHING MORE TO SEE. SHOW'S OVER. LET'S GO.

HIT IT!

♪ IT MAY NOT BE SPRING ♪

♪ IT MAY NOT BE FALL ♪

♪ IT DOESN'T MATTER ♪

♪ WE'RE HAVING A BALL ♪

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHY? ♪

♪ NO, TELL US WHY ♪

♪ IT'S QUITE SIMPLE, YOU SEE ♪

♪ LIKE GETTING DOWN ON ONE KNEE ♪

♪ SO SAY GOODBYE TO BOO-HOO ♪

♪ AND HELLO TO ♪

♪ OUR NEW FRIEND DREW ♪

ISN'T SHE CUTE?

ONE MORE TIME!

ARE YOU SURE CHILI IS GOOD AFTER 5 DAYS?

MINE TASTES KIND OF TANGY OR...

METALLIC.

IT'S KIND OF BUBBLY.

I THINK YOU'VE CREATED SOME SORT OF CHILI LIQUEUR.

WOULD YOU GUYS JUST HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEM HERE?

I GOTTA FIND A WAY TO TELL LEWIS' SISTER I'M NOT INTERESTED,

AND I DON'T WANNA HURT HER FEELINGS OR HIS.

HEY, IT WAS JUST THE FIRST DATE.

WHY DON'T YOU WAIT TILL THE SECOND OR THIRD?

THE THIRD DATE WILL HAVE AN OPENING ACT.

COME ON, WHAT'S THE GENTLEST WAY

EITHER OF YOU EVER BROKE UP WITH SOMEBODY?

OH, WELL, I'M REALLY NOT THAT GOOD AT IT.

THERE ARE 43 GUYS WHO STILL THINK

I'M GOING OUT WITH THEM.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET IT.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT SHE FINDS SO OVERWHELMING?

I MEAN, IT'S NOT POWER.

IT'S NOT MONEY.

IT'S NOT LOOKS.

YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING BETTER THAN THOSE THINGS, DREW.

OH, YEAH? WHAT?

YOU KNOW.

NO, I DON'T.

YEAH, YOU DO.

NO, I DON'T. TELL ME.

WELL, SHUT UP AND LET ME THINK OF SOMETHING.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HEY.

HEY, LOOK. IT'S JANET'S BROTHER LEWIS.

YOU REMEMBER GOOD OLD REASONABLE LEWIS.

WHATCHA DOING?

OH, JUST EATING CHILI. YOU WANT SOME?

I GOT LOTS OF LEFTOVERS.

NO MORE CHILI, DREW.

I HAVEN'T HAD A BOWEL MOVEMENT IN FOUR DAYS.

UNTIL THAT HAPPENS,

I FEEL I'M A THREAT TO THOSE AROUND ME.

I GUESS I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU AND JANET.

I HEAR YOU TWO REALLY HIT IT OFF.

LEWIS, BUDDY, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, BUT...

WELL, MAYBE I DO.

♪ CRAZY ♪

♪ YOUR SISTER IS CRAZY AND LONELY ♪

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHE'S GOT THIS WHOLE RELATIONSHIP BUILT UP

IN HER HEAD THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

I DON'T THINK SO, DREW.

I THINK YOU MUST'VE SAID SOMETHING TO HER TO LEAD HER ON.

YEAH, I THINK I SAID SOMETHING TO LEAD HER ON.

I THINK IT WAS, "GESUNDHEIT."

LEWIS, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN US. NOTHING!

YEAH, RIGHT. JUST LIKE THAT SUMMER YOU MADE OUT WITH HER.

THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO.

WE WERE PLAYING SPIN THE BOTTLE.

THE BOTTLE CAME BETWEEN HER AND SOME GIRL WE CALLED "ONE LIP."

GUYS, GUYS, DON'T FIGHT.

IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT.

THIS IS INSANE.

I MEAN, LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN'T WANT.

BECAUSE OF MY SISTER,

I'M ARGUING WITH MY BEST FRIEND DREW CAREY.

COME HERE, DREW.

NO.

DREW, COME HERE.

NO. I DON'T WANNA.

COME ON, FRIEND.

NO. I'M AFRAID.

OH!

DREW, IF YOU HURT MY SISTER,

THEY WILL NEVER FIND ANY PIECE OF YOU.

NOT EVEN YOUR GLASSES.

REMEMBER, I'M A JANITOR.

I KNOW HOW TO DISPOSE OF THINGS.

IS THAT A THREAT?

YOU WANT ME TO SING IT TO YOU?

[DOOR SLAMS]

WELL, HE'S JUST A LITTLE EXCITED.

I'LL REASON WITH HIM AT THE WEDDING.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

THAT WAS VERY GOOD,

BUT DIDN'T WE AGREE THAT WHEN YOU COME UP

ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BASKET, YOU'D USE YOUR RIGHT HAND?

I CAN'T USE MY RIGHT HAND.

TODAY'S BACKWARDS DAY,

AND MY RIGHT HAND IS MY LEFT HAND.

PRETTY COCKY FOR SOMEONE UNDER 50 POUNDS, AREN'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, 5 PUSH-UPS.

THIS BITES!

IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO DREW.

YOU SHOULD SHUT UP!

HEY, OK, HEY.

15 PUSH-UPS.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO DO 15 PUSH-UPS?

WHAT, I BET YOU COULDN'T DO ONE.

SHUT UP! I BET HE COULD DO 50 PUSH-UPS!

WHO IS PAYING YOU TO KISS HIS BUTT?

WELL, AT LEAST HIS BUTT IS PRETTIER THAN YOUR FACE!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

EVERYBODY HIT THE SHOWERS.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

DREW... DREW... TRUST ME.

YOU'VE ENSURED YOUR PLACE IN MANY FUTURE THERAPY SESSIONS.

TRY TO RELAX, WOULD YOU, BUDDY?

YOU CAN GO TOO NOW, MONICA.

NAH. I THINK I SHOULD RUN SOME LAPS.

I GOT A LITTLE WINDED DURING OUR THIRD HOUR OF PRACTICE YESTERDAY.

HEY, COACH.

OOH, YOU LOOK GOOD IN SHORTS.

OH, HEY. I DO A STEP WORKOUT.

YOU KNOW, STEP TO THE REFRIGERATOR, STEP TO THE COUCH. REPEAT.

SO HOW'S MY MONICA DOING?

OH, GREAT.

JUST A, YOU KNOW, LITTLE EXCITABLE, THAT'S ALL.

SOMETIMES SHE GETS CARRIED AWAY.

WHAT'D SHE DO?

OH, NOTHING SPECIFICALLY.

IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, SHE JUST GOT IN A FIST FIGHT

DEFENDING MY PHYSICAL FITNESS.

THAT'S NOT CHOOSING YOUR BATTLES TOO WISELY.

WELL, SHE LIKES YOU.

I LIKE HER. I LOVE KIDS. I'M GREAT WITH THEM.

[HISSES]

SEE YOU MONDAY.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF DIFFERENT WAYS

TO APPROACH A RELATIONSHIP.

99% OF THE PEOPLE WOULD CHOOSE

A LONG, SLOW COURTSHIP.

LET'S TAKE IT SLOW.

LET'S GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

BUT THEN THERE'S THAT 1% THAT JUST CUT THROUGH ALL THE CRAP AND SAY,

YOU WANNA GET MARRIED?

JANET...

YEAH?

LOOK, THIS IS REALLY HARD TO SAY,

ESPECIALLY SINCE I'VE NEVER BEEN

ON THIS SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION BEFORE,

BUT... HERE IT GOES.

YOU'RE A REALLY NICE GUY, AND IT'S NOT THE HAIRCUT...

BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA WORK OUT.

I'M SORRY.

IT WAS THE PICNIC, WASN'T IT?

WELL, IT WASN'T JUST THE PICNIC.

I MEAN, WE HARDLY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, DREW.

I REALIZE I WAS MOVING KIND OF FAST

AND THAT THERE WASN'T A LOT OF CHEMISTRY BETWEEN US,

BUT I THOUGHT EVENTUALLY,

WE WOULD GROW INTO EACH OTHER.

MY DAYS OF SHOOTING FOR THE MOON ARE OVER.

I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH... SETTLING.

YOU'RE TAKING THIS REALLY WELL.

IT'S TOO BAD.

ALL THE STATS SAID THAT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN THE PERFECT FATHER.

REALLY? YEAH.

VERY STABLE.

ACCORDING TO THE CHARTS AT OUR COMPANY,

ODDS ARE YOU'D STAY IN YOUR SAME JOB FOR THE NEXT 15 YEARS.

REALLY?

AND YOU WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME

BECAUSE YOU'RE DESTINED TO HAVE ONLY ONE MORE SEXUAL PARTNER.

REALLY?

AND YOU'D BE THERE FOR MONICA.

AT LEAST UNTIL SHE FINISHES COLLEGE.

AND THEN WE GET A DIVORCE?

MM-MMM. HEART ATTACK.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, TELL MONICA I'LL BE OUTSIDE WHEN SHE'S FINISHED.

SO I GUESS THIS QUALIFIES AS OUR FIRST DINNER DATE.

YEAH, THIS IS GREAT.

DRIVING AROUND, BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, STARS ARE OUT.

HEY, YOU GONNA EAT THESE FRIES

THAT FELL IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG?

HERE. LET ME FEED 'EM TO YOU.

WATCH YOUR FINGERS.

MAN, I'M GLAD WE FOUND A WAY TO WORK THIS OUT.

YEAH, HOW ELSE ARE WE GOING TO BE ABLE TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER?

OH, I'M SORRY. I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF.

OH, MY GOD! IT'S BEEN 2 HOURS.

WHAT KIND OF A CARPOOL IS THIS?

AND WHY IS THERE A FRY IN MY HAIR?

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC

AND THEN THERE WAS ALL THAT CONSTRUCTION.

PLUS, YOU KNOW, THE SOBRIETY CHECKPOINT.

DREW GOT NERVOUS AND SAID I'M DRUNK.

DIDN'T HELP THAT YOU SAID YOU WERE BEING HELD HOSTAGE

AND YOUR DEAD MOTHER WAS IN THE BACK SEAT.

PLEASE. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

I'VE BEEN DOING FRANK IN FOOTWEAR FOR YEARS.

WELL, UH, THIS IS ME.

OH.

I'LL, UH, I'LL WALK YOU TO THE DOOR.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I WON'T LIVE LONG ENOUGH

FOR YOU TO WALK HER TO THE DOOR.

FINE.

I GUESS I, UH, I'LL TRY NOT TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.

NOT UNLESS I DON'T SEE YOU FIRST.

BYE.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

SO YOU WANNA GET HOME IN A HURRY?

HANG ONTO YOUR TEETH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE www.ncicap.org...