Original subtitles

# Life's too short

Okay, shower and shine, boys.

Veet, veet, we have assignments.

Are you having a stroke?

I made us all dates.

Everyone here is still daddyless

and the groceries ain't gonna buy themselves.

How did you make us dates?

I have your passwords.

I logged in as you, impersonated you,

made you seem hotter and more personable

than you actually are,

and made a commitment for you

to meet him at a particular time and place.

Hotter how?

Well, maybe I don't wanna go on a date with this guy.

That attitude is why you're gonna die alone and penniless.

On the street.

Not in this apartment, because you can't pay the rent.

All right, well,

you and I don't really have the same taste.

Taste is not a factor, I went with the highest bidder.

I'm changing my password.

You are going on this date

and you're putting out and you're getting paid.

Otherwise, as your pimp,

I'll have my hired muscle rough you up.

Thank you, Bud?

Thanks for looking out for me

when I'm too depressed and lazy

to manage my own social life.

You're the best friend I ever had, Bud.

I thought you were, Bud.

So, Enrique, what are you looking for exactly?

Oh, something super caj,

that just fits in with my life, you know?

Okay, well, what kind of thing

would fit in with your life?

Have you ever been to Key West?

No.

Cabo?

No.

Tokyo, Venice?

I've been to Canada and Disney World,

that's pretty much it.

Do you wanna travel?

Yeah, I guess so.

I want a travel companion,

see the world, have fun, good food,

some romance, take in the sights.

Yeah, I mean, it definitely sounds like

you wanna sex traffic me across a lot of borders.

I totally do.

Yeah, well, I tend to like to get to know someone

at home a little bit before I agree to participate

in their international sex slave ring.

What's this?

That's the gift we agreed to

for this initial meeting, in a public place.

Wow.

I guess I'm a good negotiator.

Yeah, I've overstayed my visa,

so I can't really do any traveling.

But thank you for that, that's perfect.

It's Tab, right?

Yeah.

I'm Daffyd.

Daffyd.

So are you gay or bi or?

I'm gay for pay.

Is that a sexual identity now?

Yeah, it's got its own category on PornHub.

So what brought you to the site?

I'm dying.

Huh.

This is a leaflet poster from "Miss Show Business",

the concert Judy did with Nelson Riddle

in 1958 in Chicago.

An ad for Modern Screen magazine

with Jackie O on the cover.

But, if you look, you can see Judy and Rock Hudson

below in the insert.

Ah, TV Guide, 1964 with Judy on the cover.

My goodness.

And as you can see,

I have a collection of dolls from across the century.

They're mostly Judy in character in her films.

I have every album she ever put out,

playbills, sheet music.

So you want me to trade you sex

in exchange for Judy Garland memorabilia?

This collection is worth at least $20,000.

You're a real fan.

There's only one thing

I love more than Judy Garland.

Very talented.

Who's your little friend?

Dorothy, just dropped in from Kansas.

Careful, she kills witches.

Okay, find a partner, choose a spot on the floor.

Lift your left heel over your right knee

and find that assisted glute stretch.

That's as far as I go.

Oh, I've seen those hips stretch farther.

My hips are out of practice.

And release.

Flip.

So how long are we talking?

Six months, the doctor said, on the outside.

For what?

Bowel cancer.

Ugh, that's not cool.

Right?

Same shit that killed my pappy, my dad, my brother.

Fuck.

I outlived them all.

Even with screenings every five years,

it still got to stage four before they caught it.

Even though we all knew it was coming.

They can't cure it?

I ain't even gonna let them treat it.

If you saw what my brother and father went through,

you wouldn't either.

All that chemo, radiation,

cutting out chunks of bowel.

I'm not going out that way.

I'm gonna enjoy every minute I have left.

Sorry to dump all this on you,

I just figured you should know what you're getting into.

What am I getting into?

The best six months of my life.

Uh!

What are you guys doing?

Naked video games.

Living life to the fullest.

Who's your friend?

Daffyd.

Bud.

You want a beer? A doobie?

I'll take a hit.

Yeah.

So is he like living here now?

He's not living at all, he's dying.

He's got months to live.

He just wants to be one of the guys,

live that carefree life like us.

Do what we do.

We don't play naked video games.

Why is that?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Since when did you become Catholic?

Whenever somebody's dying.

Hmm.

Hey.

You get butter?

Yeah, what do you need it for?

Popcorn.

Right.

Anything you guys wanna tell me?

Tab's got a new daddy,

he just wants to be one of the guys.

And you?

I'm making the snacks,

I'm one of the guys, it's soccer night.

Hey, guy.

Guys.

Bud.

Bud.

There's an antiques lady here.

Oh guuuuurd.

Hi, I'm Irene Hartenfels, doll dealer.

I spoke to Tab last night about a Mildred Morton Dorothy?

Over here.

Don't mind them.

Oh my.

What's she worth?

Mm, hard to say.

Hmm, maybe three to five.

Hundred? Thousand?

Bucks.

$5?

She's not even a good fake.

Fake?

Oh honey, faker than a hooker's orgasm.

Look, if you ever want to verify a Mildred Morton,

you just pull off her panties

and take a look at her little taint.

See, there should be a double M embroidered

and a Roman numeral for the run.

But you have nothing but a bare taint, son.

I apologize for wasting your time.

Any serious dealer would know better.

Can I ask what you paid for it?

My last shreds of dignity.

Oh.

You gave me a fake Dorothy doll.

I'm shocked.

Oh no, you're not.

Oh well.

I gave you a real handjob for a fake doll.

Well, there must be a lesson in there somewhere.

I should call the cops.

Oh, go ahead.

"Oh, officer, the doll I got

for giving a 60-year-old man a handjob

turned out to be a craft project from Michael's."

Give me something valuable.

Give me that signed playbill from Carnegie Hall.

They're all photocopies.

You're a fraud.

You monster!

I get two blowjobs a week from greedy twinks.

Put that down, put that down!

This I can sell.

Petty thief!

You call the cops.

Ah!

You're still here.

Buddy.

Just hanging with the guy.

Oh, I think I drank too much.

Bathroom.

Oh, oh, oh God, oh my God, oh God, oh God, oh.

Oh my God, oh my God.

What is he still doing here?

Pooping.

I can't ask him to leave, he's dying.

If he dies in our bathroom,

you're paying my share of the rent.

Is that guy still here?

His body's still here,

his spirit seems to be going toward the light.

How'd your date go?

He wants a travel buddy.

That's why I chose him for you.

You're our traveler.

How am I a traveler?

You're literally on a trip abroad, stealing American jobs.

But you stole my job.

I thought you could use a break.

Are you wearing a jock strap to work?

I get more tips.

See, no panty line.

Touche.

Are you okay?

Pulled my groin.

So you should take table 12.

Gays?

One gay that you know.

If you don't want the table, I can just take it.

You stalking me now?

I like the sushi here.

You need more time with the menu?

Have a seat.

You trying to get me fired?

Just thought I'd see

if you had any repressed memories come back,

like you sitting there, me across from you.

You saying I...

Nothing.

Whatever happened,

it must have been too traumatic to recover.

And you can't take it back, cat's outta the bag.

Well, put the cat back in the bag, tie a knot,

and toss it in the creek.

Too late, I already fed the cat, domesticated it,

and now it's a sweet little pussy, purring in my lap.

But you didn't declaw it so you better cross your legs.

Are you saying you've changed your mind?

I don't think one little word

that I might or might not have said

in a moment of casual weakness should change anything.

Most people would say that word changes everything.

Most people.

Ooh, sorry.

Tab's room is down the hall.

Thanks.

You okay, man?

You were in there for quite a while.

Oh, being one of the guys is pretty hard on the stomach.

Tell me about it.

How about you?

You've been in here a long time, you doing okay?

Not really, no.

What could be so bad?

I lost everything.

I'm in so much debt, I can never pay it back.

How much debt?

30 grand.

30 grand? That's less than a new car.

You can pay that off.

You know how much debt I'm in?

800,000, more, 880,000.

Debt on my house, two cars, a couple of timeshares.

And that's not even that bad for this city.

Being in crippling debt is just normal adulthood.

Shit.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

How about this? You're gonna die in debt, everyone does.

Even if you've paid off your house, got a big 401k,

the day you die,

you're gonna owe a credit card company

for the last two times you filled up your car.

We all live in debt.

We all die in debt.

Yeah, I mean,

that actually does make me feel a little better.

So your wife called,

she's a little worried.

Hi.

Just hanging out with the guys.

Yeah.

# Give me one kiss goodbye

# Don't try to make me stay for a while #

# Ooh