Original subtitles

# Beautiful

# Life's too short

Those go in the back.

I'm pausing. En route?

- Take your time. - Ugh.

Elphaba.

Cowardly lion.

I'm obviously Tin Man.

You don't impress me.

Thanks for the snack.

Wanna help me choose sugar daddies?

Are you serious?

They start to all look the same.

We need a rating system.

I would usually use soft quarter, half hard,

but that's a foreign language to you.

We use dry, moist, sopping wet.

Okay.

What do you think of him?

Dry.

Picky. What about him?

Dry.

Girl.

Well, is he nice?

No, he is not nice. None of them are nice.

They're weird, self-absorbed jerks

incapable of having a relationship

they don't have to pay for.

Everything they do is transactional.

Life is just a shopping spree to them, and my ass is nothing

but a piece of butcher meat

approaching its best before date.

Okay, moist then.

Hmm. How about him?

Oh, like a bucket of wet. Like, like he's a super soaker.

He even makes me a little wet.

Oh, boy girl couple.

I'll note that for Mickey.

- For Mickey? - Yeah.

If it's a proper sugar mama, I note it for Tab,

but sugar mamas are as rare as tits on a unicorn.

Mickey's like sexually ambivalent.

Undeclared.

I don't know why he can't just say Bi or Omni

or Pan or whatever.

So a boy girl couple is a good fit

for his general ambivalence.

The husband is so hot. Maybe I should keep him for myself.

- Oh my God. - No.

I've learned my lesson about vaginas.

They're like soggy bread to me.

Okay, can I please get back to work?

Thanks for letting me use your vag-o-meter.

You're disgusting.

- Hugs. - Oh my God.

Mickey, I made you a date tonight.

Dinner for three.

Yes, I'm a very lucky man.

I'm the lucky one, really.

Yeah. There's not a lot of couples on the app.

It's actually where we met.

Oh.

We had a happy ending.

- I married my daddy. - Wow.

So you married your sugar daddy

and now you want a sugar baby.

It's the new American dream, I guess.

Well, you see Mickey,

when you get your happy ending, you turn the page,

and there's a whole new chapter.

A boring chapter.

A real life chapter.

Yeah, I get it.

It's only fair.

Liam got to play around

for 30 years before he married me.

So I'm dating you.

- Dodie. - Dodie.

We only play all together.

Cool. Cool.

So how does it sound?

I mean, you guys seem like you know what you want.

I'm game. Honestly.

Real life.

It isn't for everybody.

Now you two.

Come on.

That's not our deal.

Here.

Look.

Barely any stubble.

You might not even know the difference.

Dr. Love.

Oh, you can call me Tab.

I'm, I'm not really a doctor.

- Well, I am really Jacob. - Right on.

Have a seat.

Drink?

Soda.

Take your shoes off.

Sure.

Put your feet up. Relax.

Vodka soda.

Would you mind taking your socks off?

Are they dirty? Sorry.

I normally try to put them in my roommate's laundry bag,

but they've been kind of unreliable lately.

Well, that's nice of them though.

No, they don't know.

You have really nice feet.

Thanks.

How many toes?

10.

You mind if I take a closer look?

At my toes?

Okay.

You got a piece of lint.

Mind if I watch TV?

Go ahead.

What are you doing here?

I thought I tried throwing myself at you, see if we stick.

You're not exactly the sticky type.

I've been living like a nun for months.

I've experienced the miracle of my mangina sealing over

and making me a virgin again.

- Sounds painful. - Very.

But I'm about to reenter the land of the living.

Put myself out there

and I just thought maybe it would be better to get

with someone who makes me wet.

I think you're taking the vagina

metaphor a little too far.

I don't think I can pull out now.

You tick all my boxes.

So before I sell my ass to the highest bidder,

I want to give true love a chance.

You know, love is a seller's market.

And I'm not buying.

Sorry!

That was good.

Fuck.

I don't know why I thought two would be enough.

That was a long date.

Yeah, I was drunk so I just crashed there.

You should charge more for an overnight.

I'm not an escort.

Oh, so you're genuinely interested in being part

of an intergenerational throuple?

What about you? How's your date?

He just smelled my feet.

That's it?

Yeah.

You gonna see him again?

We'll see if he calls.

I mean, if he doesn't, send him my way.

I got pretty big feet.

You're not interested in being third wheel

on a sex tricycle?

Oh no. I definitely am.

Dodie is like, insatiable,

but I gotta get a little extra so I can pay Costas back.

Don't pay Costas back.

Just block him and never see him again.

And maybe change your name.

- Yeah. I'm not you. - I know. It's so sad.

All right, I'm gonna take a nap.

I did not get a lot of sleep last night.

Do you think my feet are too small?

Thanks for hanging out.

I've got a lot of places to be nowadays.

Lost your job?

Kind of.

I'm in the states undocumented,

and not a lot of work opportunities.

You're not Mexican.

Yeah. Yeah, good guess.

So, I'm wondering if you know another guy.

I know several guys.

Another guy to join in.

Oh, like a, like a fourth

in our quad, truple...

For a gang bang.

Wow. Yeah, you're really going there.

Yeah. I'm trying to be a supportive husband.

You don't know anyone?

When I told all my friends

I was gonna marry a girl 30 years younger than me,

they all told me I was an idiot.

They said she wasn't ready to settle down.

And you don't want to give them the satisfaction

of being right.

My friends are all married, or they're divorced and toxic.

It would just change a 30 year friendship, you know?

Yeah, I could see that.

I'll tell you what. I think I know a guy.

I'm sure he'd love to have sex with Dodie,

and I don't think it would affect our friendship too much.

I gotta say though, this is moving pretty fast.

Well, I'll make it worth your while.

You like, meant with money, right?

That's my ring.

Hey, Eugene.

- Colton, thanks very much. - That's my ring.

This is my engagement ring. You may congratulate me.

He gave it to me first. That's my ring.

Well, if you wanted it, you shouldn't have given it back.

I didn't love him.

Well, then your loss is my gain.

Do you love him?

What could it possibly matter to you?

You gave him my engagement ring.

That ring belonged to my great aunt Lavinia

who died in 1898.

What did you think I was gonna do? Return it?

Well, I didn't think you were gonna recycle it.

Oh, honey.

How many people have worn that ring?

Lavinia. My mother.

Maybe two or three other fiances before you.

You gave me a used ring?

A family heirloom.

You didn't want it.

That doesn't mean I want to see it on somebody

else's finger.

You know, he goes to my school

and you bring him to my restaurant?

I didn't think you cared.

- I don't. - Oh, then,

then why were you banging on

my door in the middle of the day?

Huh?

You may have been engaged a dozen times.

- Five. - But I have been engaged once

and it doesn't matter if it was only for 16 hours.

- 14. - It meant something to me.

Look, I'm really sorry

that I didn't take your feelings into account, Buddy.

But I can't very well take the ring back

from Colton, now can I.

Well your next fiance, give him something else.

Not my ring.

Deal.

Okay, good.

How long have you guys been married?

Year and a half.

And we were together three years before that.

How about you two?

- Also a year and a half. - As roommates.

We're not married.

You two kiss.

We don't really have that type of relationship.

- Come on. - You come on.

It's not gay if a girl's watching.

You kissed Liam.

Yeah, I'm attracted to Liam.

Ugh!

I clean your piss off the bathroom floor.

Okay. It's not sexy.

How do you know it's not Bud's?

Bud sits when he pees.

You're probably not as good as Bud, anyways.

- You kissed Bud? - Jealous?

No, I'm not jealous.

I'm just wondering when you kissed Bud.

Okay, Dodie,

stop torturing your fuck boys.

Troublemaker.

We're all here for you.

Now, unwrap your presents.

Shirts.

Well, I don't know why I thought three would be enough.

# So give me one kiss goodbye

# Don't try to make me stay for a while #

# Give me one kiss goodbye

# Shouldn't lie, won't come back #

# Just give me one kiss goodbye #