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And now, live from San Antonio, this is Joe Rogan.

What's up? What's happening? San Antonio!

The world got weird, but we're all together.

We're all together.

And I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but here in Texas.

Fuck, yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

Thanks for coming out, folks. Thank you very much, appreciate it.

This is my new home state.

I've been living here for four years, I fucking love it.

I love it here. I'm never moving.

The only adjustment I've ever had to make is Texas weed.

You think it's the same. Texas weed is different.

Because Texas weed is grown on Texas soil.

And I believe the soil has memories.

Because if you smoke too much Texas weed, like…

We gotta give this land back.

Dude, what the fuck did they do?

I heard that every Buc-ee's is built on an Indian burial ground.

Yeah.

That might be misinformation.

Don't say you heard it from me. I am known for that shit.

Buc-ee's is where I take all my friends from California.

They're like, "Why do you like Texas?" I take them right to Buc-ee's. "Behold!"

Behold the kind of gas station possible

in the land of the people who conquered the Comanche.

If you've never been to Buc-ee's,

it's like if you were in the middle of a cocaine binge

and you decide to make the ultimate gas station. And you fucking did it.

You really did it. You got a pile of your dad's oil money, like--

Whoo!

"I wanna sell kayaks!"

I want my gas station now, pickled alligator dicks

and Chuck Norris action jeans.

Woo-hoo!

How come you can't vote here?

If you could vote for Trump at Buc-ee's, the aliens would land.

They would go, "What the fuck are you people doing?"

I'm very invested in aliens being real.

If they're not, I'm gonna feel so fucking stupid.

I've had so many dumb conversations about them.

The dumbest argument that aliens aren't real,

"If aliens are real, why don't they land on the White House lawn?"

Oh, when you go fishing, do you check in with the president of the lake?

No, you just trick those dummies with fake food

and pull them up, take pictures of them,

drop them back in the water,

and they're like, "What the fuck just happened?"

Exact same things the aliens do to us.

I think aliens look at us the same way we look at Waffle House fights.

They just observe, like, "What the fuck is going on?"

If you could come from another planet, you think you'd wanna talk to Biden?

Like, "Take me to your leader."

"I got hairy legs. My uncle got eaten by a cannibal.

Come on, man."

I think…

I think if I was an alien, I would treat us the exact same way the aliens do.

I wouldn't give a fuck who's in the Pentagon.

I would find some dude cooking meth in Arkansas,

and I'd teleport him up into the spaceship and explain to him telepathically

that time is an illusion, even though you can measure it,

and all humans are the product of accelerated evolution

put here to give birth to A.I.

Then I'd drop him back off in the woods.

And say, "Now go tell someone, bitch.

Go tell them how I touched your butt."

What? What's that all about?

The alien anal probe, we all know.

Why do we know that? Why is that always a part of the story?

Because it makes the story more ridiculous.

Makes people less likely to believe.

I think they're going, "What if somebody believes him?

Put something in his ass.

Make him love it. Make him just jizz all over himself."

Just, "Oh, shit. Oh, God."

Imagine if you have your greatest orgasm on an operating table in a spaceship?

"Oh, Jesus."

You're gonna leave that part out.

Your story's always gonna seem suspect.

People gonna go, "Is that all?" "That's everything. The whole story."

Maybe that's how they get our DNA. That's how they get cum out of donkeys.

I used to host Fear Factor, and, uh…

And…

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

This is a true story.

Fear Factor was canceled because we made people drink donkey cum.

I'm the only guy in Hollywood that lost a job because people had to drink cum.

Usually, that's how you get a job.

And look, first of all, wasn't my idea. Okay? I just worked there.

And the way Fear Factor would work, I would show up,

they'd give me a script of what the contestants had to do.

I would read it and go, "What the fuck?"

But on one day in particular,

it said they were playing horseshoes

to see who had to drink the most donkey cum.

And I said words I never thought I'd say.

"I don't think you should make people drink cum on TV."

When I'm the voice of reason, you've got a really fucked-up program.

And here's the thing, they had buckets, like Home Depot buckets, of cum.

And I'm like, "How did you get that?"

You can't just have that.

You gotta tell me how you sourced it, okay?

You gotta be real clear right away.

We got laws, okay?

So I asked the handler, "How do you get it?"

He goes, "You take a cattle prod and you stick it up the donkey's ass

and you shock his prostate, and they just bust."

And I was like, "Whoa, that is so fucked up."

Then I was like, "What does that feel like?"

Like, you don't wanna know. Like, what if it's your favorite thing?

Like-- You can't even tell anybody.

If that was your favorite thing, you gotta keep that to yourself.

No one is gonna understand.

They ask you, "What's the happiest day of your life? Birth of your child?"

Like, "Eh.

That was pretty good. But one time, I got abducted by aliens.

They stuck the finger of God up my ass, and I jizzed out of every cell in my body.

And I been chasing that dragon ever since.

I'm on my rooftop every night with a flashlight going:

'Come back. Come back. Come back'."

If they're real and they're watching--

If they were gonna come, they would have come during COVID.

It's good to see everybody having a good time.

The country's almost back to normal before World War III.

COVID was just so strange.

We lost a lot of people during COVID, and most of them are still alive.

Yeah. Right?

Right?

There's a lot of people that I don't fuck with anymore.

Before COVID, I would have told you

vaccines are the most important invention in history.

After COVID, I'm like, "I don't think we went to the moon."

I think Michelle Obama's got a dick. I think Pizzagate is real.

I think there's directed-energy weapons in Antarctica.

- Oh! - I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I don't think Michelle Obama's got a dick, but I believe all that other shit.

Here's one thing we found out during COVID.

How disgusting men are.

Because here's a pop quiz: how many ladies got fired

because they got caught masturbating during Zoom calls?

Was there even one?

Out of all the crazy bitches out there,

not even one is like, "Show me your fucking spreadsheet."

Not even one? Not even one.

Dudes were dropping like flies.

It was the number one reason why men in executive positions got fired.

I just made that up, but doesn't it make sense?

You believed me. It tracks.

Men are so gross you can't even set up in front of a camera with a--

With a computer with a webcam pointed at us without a guy thinking,

"What does this camera see if I get down like this here?

Keep a poker face.

If this dog stops barking so I can keep my hard-on."

You're on an election call, like, "January 6th, lock them up.

Lock them all up."

Here's the thing about jerking off. Everybody does it,

but if you get caught, you're a fucking loser.

"You fucking loser." And you feel it too.

You're like, "Oh, no, I can't believe I got caught."

"Everyone knows. Everyone's gonna know.

Oh, no!"

I've only been caught once in my whole jerking-off career.

But it was by my wife, and she was so upset.

She goes, "I can't believe you did it while I'm at home." I'm like…

"I do it while you're sleeping right next to me." I do it like this.

I do tiny strokes just to not wake the master.

I put a glass of water on the bed to make sure I'm not making any ripples.

I like to live dangerous.

I eat supermarket sushi. I don't give a fuck.

Whoo!

I like to take fake risks.

I like to take edibles before I get on airplanes.

Listen. It's a way to find out what really bothers you.

I don't like to give advice. I don't give a lot of advice.

But I will say this. 200mg is the right dose.

Don't do it.

Don't do it. But if you're gonna do it, that's the number. This is why.

If you wanna know what's in the basement, you gotta go down the stairs.

You gotta go look around. A lot of people are like, "I like to microdose.

It makes food taste better, makes sex feel better."

Uh-uh. You gotta get to, "What are memories made out of?"

You know? You gotta get to, "Maybe the universe is God."

You gotta get to that place.

The airport is the best place to be high in public.

This is why. Because no one notices. Because everyone's acting weird.

No one acts normal at the airport.

They're all standing around, talking quiet.

They're all worried they're gonna die. When you're high, you blend right in.

And you don't have to do any thinking. They tell you what to do.

"Get in line." I'm like, "Okay."

"Walk up here."

"Give me your ticket. Sit down. Don't lean back." "I won't. I won't."

Strap yourself into your chair. And every now and then, they come by with water.

You're like, "Whoa."

You're going 500 miles an hour, 30,000 feet in the sky,

thinking about people you fingered in high school, going…

And you don't think you're gonna make it. "I can't keep doing this." But you can.

It's like a near-death experience you always survive.

And all my friends that don't like weed say the same thing.

They're like, "Dude, it makes me paranoid."

Right.

Right.

But when it's over…

But when it's over.

Everyone in this room that has ever been too high,

the moment it wears off, you're like, "Ohhh.

I'm gonna be a better person.

I'm gonna be nicer to people. I'm gonna hug more folks.

Like, half these problems have to be my fault."

The only time it's ever been a problem for me

is if you have to answer questions to an official person.

Like, I have TSA Pre, which I really recommend if you're not a terrorist.

It's a solid deal. If you give the government money,

they let you keep your shoes on.

You're like, "Ah, thank you, overlords. So kind."

And it's a nice way to separate society. 'Cause you're in this quick-moving line.

You get to pass those barefoot losers with their shitty paperwork.

My laptop's in my bag, motherfucker.

You know? You feel trusted.

But I didn't know that, uh, they still have to touch you

even if you have TSA Pre.

It's a number thing. It's a random number thing.

So I walk through the cancer machine, and this light goes off.

And this is exactly how this lady said this to me. She goes:

"You've been randomly selected for additional screening."

And I'm so high, I don't even know if this is real life.

And I'm like, "But I got the TSA Pre." She goes:

"Oh, I know. It's dumb as fuck.

But it doesn't take long, so why are we fighting?"

"We're not fighting. I don't wanna fight."

She goes, "Good. Male assist."

I'm like, "Male assist? Did you just assume my gender?"

Listen.

That is a new thing you can say.

That's a new thing you can say, no matter what you look like.

If you say to a person, no matter what you look like, if you say:

"Did you just assume my gender?" Most people don't know what to do.

She knew what to do. She goes:

"I'm sorry. Are you a woman, motherfucker?"

And we both looked at each other and went, "Ahhhhhh!"

I go, "Oh, you're high too."

So I high-five this nice lady,

and they bring a man who starts touching me

while he's asking me UFC questions.

It's one of the weirdest moments of my life because, first of all,

I'm ticklish and trying to act normal.

I'm standing here, and this dude's on his knee going,

"You think Conor McGregor and Nate Diaz ever gonna fight again?"

And I'm trying to act normal. "I hope so, bro.

That'll be a good fight, solid fight."

Then he hits me with this.

If you've ever been randomly selected, this is what they do.

He goes, "I'll run the back of my hand against your crotch."

Remember, I'm really high.

So I'm like, "Why are you gonna use the back of your hand?"

Is that the best way to do it?

Hey, man, is that for you or for me?

Because for me, it still feels like you're touching my dick.

You're just doing it in this weird, dismissive way. Just…

It's just a rude way to touch a dick. It's like…

"Are you a terrorist? I'll be the judge.

Nope.

Just another dude whose dick I made feel weird."

I mean--

How many terrorists have they stopped with that?

Is it zero or is it negative numbers?

You disrespectful motherfucker.

The back of your hand might be the worst way to figure out something.

You ain't getting no good data.

Why you touching dicks like that?

I tell you why, folks,

because it's our government's solution to a complex problem.

Which is, "How do you touch dicks and not be gay?"

They're like, "Got it. We're gonna use the back of our hand. It's no countsies."

"Does it work?" "Yeah, try it on me, I can't even cum. Come on, bro."

Just jokes, folks, no one's getting hurt.

I opened up a comedy club in Austin, Texas, a year and a half ago.

Thank you very much.

When the world got crazy, I had to move to the Land of the Free.

I love it. But one of the weird things about owning a comedy club

is other people's reactions.

Fox News had the dumbest reaction.

They're like, "Joe Rogan created an anti-woke comedy club."

- Yeah! - I'm like, "Oh, you mean a comedy club?"

Like a regular one?

That's like saying I got a meat-eating steakhouse.

You don't have to use all those words.

I get why young people wanna be woke,

but I can't do it, because I come from a different era, okay?

I was born In 1967,

and when I was a boy, you could be Hitler for Halloween.

Nobody cared. I never did it, but you could do It.

Show up at your Jewish friend's house,

I'm like, "Aw, look at the little fuhrer."

Give a little tousle of your hair. Throw a candy in your bag.

They knew you weren't really Hitler.

Like, he's dead, and you're 4. This is ridiculous.

And I get why the young people wanna be woke. I really do.

Old people have fucked up the world. Let's try communism.

I get it. You don't know any better. I get it.

You're young, I get it.

And also, people desperately wanna be on a team.

We're tribal.

There's only two teams in this country, the left and the right.

You know, you don't wanna be independent.

You don't wanna be that weird dude telling everybody

that gold Is the only legitimate currency and all tax is theft.

- Yeah! - That's me.

If you get me drunk, I will be annoying. I will tell some shit you already know.

So I understand why people wanna be on a team.

So you just try to find a team that aligns with your values, right?

What does your team believe?

"We believe that healthcare is a basic human right."

I agree.

"We think that education should be free." Me too.

"And men can get pregnant."

Fuck!

Is that a package deal? How did that one slip through?

That wasn't-- All of a sudden, it's an emoji on your phone.

You probably don't even know that you have that.

If you're a heterosexual man-- And I know there's a few of us left.

You know…

You know how when you type things, Apple gives you an emoji as a suggestion.

If your friend's, like, "Hey, you want to go out Saturday?"

You text back, "I can't. I'm trying to get my wife pregnant, man."

And you look down at your phone, and you're like, "Is that Bert Kreischer?"

"What is that?"

It's a pregnant man. Oh, finally!

Finally, there's a pregnant man emoji.

Representation. Finally, I could write, "eggplant, splash of water, pregnant man."

Finally.

You ever see the regular man emoji?

He looks like the guy Tiger King fucks in prison.

Just listless and…

The pregnant man looks robust,

like Charles Bronson with a baby inside him.

Like, "I'm the fucking future."

It's just new language, okay? I'm trying to learn your new language.

I'm willing to say men get pregnant. I'm willing to say "pregnant men."

I just don't think it's a good-- I think you need extra words.

How many men can get pregnant? Not a lot, right?

Is there anything different about the ones who can?

Maybe we should use extra words,

like we do with other stuff, like off-road vehicle.

It's still a vehicle, but it can do some extra shit.

If you're a dude and you can have babies, that seems really new.

I'm not trying to be offensive.

The last person I want mad at me is a pregnant man.

Do you have any idea how unreasonably confident they would be?

You've got a full beard and you're breastfeeding a baby,

going, "I am in defiance of God!"

Big old thick neck and hairy tits.

And the baby sucking on that nipple going, "Where the fuck is my mom?

And why does this taste like jet fuel?"

I wanna know what's going on. The world got weird. And here's my take.

I just wanna be real clear. I believe in trans people.

I think the world is strange, nature is strange.

Nature can throw you a curveball, and you believe you're in the wrong body.

And I fully support your right as an adult

to do whatever you want that makes you happy.

I believe in freedom, and I believe in love.

But I also believe in crazy people. And here's the thing.

That somehow or another, that got left out of the equation.

All of a sudden, crazy people just went away, like the flu during COVID.

Like, ah.

It just got absorbed in the numbers.

Suddenly, every man in a dress is stunning and brave. It's like…

Trans women are women. How about most?

How about almost all? You gotta leave room for crazy.

Plus, I'm sorry-- I'm sorry if it's taken me a while to adjust,

but all my life, if there was a movie about a killer,

he was way crazier if he wore a dress.

Psycho. He dresses like his mom. Stabs ladies in the shower.

Silence of the Lambs. It puts the lotion in the basket.

Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf was dressed like a fucking lady.

I'm not prejudiced.

I like to look at men in dresses

like I look at everything else, on an individual basis.

Mrs. Doubtfire seems like a lovely human, all right? I'm open-minded.

I wanna know what happened.

It's almost like a pervert wizard waved a spell on the whole world.

"With a wave of this wand, you can walk to the women's locker room with a hard cock,

and anybody who complains is a Nazi. Abracadabra."

And it just worked.

And everyone just accepts this new reality. It's fucking weird.

I just think we need standards.

You can't just put lipstick on and shit in the women's room.

We need some kind of standard.

Oh, my God. All of a sudden it's a hate rally.

I was watching a Roe v. Wade protest where there's a dude in a dress.

It's a women's reproductive rights protest,

and there's a guy in a dress with a hairy chest and a five o'clock shadow,

and he's screaming in a cop's face, "Keep your laws out of my pussy!"

And no one there was like, "What the fuck?"

Everyone was like:

"Yeah, stay out of her pussy!"

Oh, my God, we're in Narnia. What is this?

That's a guy! First of all, that's probably not even a trans person.

That's probably a Republican.

That's probably an agent provocateur sent in to discredit your organization

with ridiculous behavior. Look.

Alex Jones taught me about this shit 20 years ago. Listen.

Listen, he's right about a lot of-- He was wrong about that one thing, though.

But he's right-- The wrong thing was a big one.

But he's right-- That one thing was huge. But he's often correct.

And I'm just saying.

If you have a beard and a vagina, you're a human escape room, okay? I…

I don't have time for puzzles.

I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck is going on

and how it got everywhere so quick.

It's in prison.

In California, there's 47 biological males that are housed in women's prisons.

A lot of them are sex offenders, but that's not important.

What's really important is gender.

Wouldn't you think that out of all the places that would be suspicious,

that maybe you would be lying?

Fucking jail. Wouldn't that be at the top of the list?

Imagine a woman,

"I'm gonna go to prison, but at least I'm gonna be with other women."

You see R. Kelly with a wig on. You're like, "Fuck."

I don't know what happened. I think it's China.

I'm only half kidding. I think they got us with TikTok.

I really do. I think they're just really clever.

They've been around for 4000-- America's the shit, but we're real young.

We've been around 250 years. Who knows if we're gonna make it.

China's been here for 4000 years. They've invented everything.

They invented paper, alcohol, gunpowder, rockets, noodles, Kung Fu, and TikTok.

Yeah, and Coronavirus. And I was--

I was--

Hey, don't be racist.

China. I loved it when Trump would say "China."

They also invent our phones. The craziest thing.

That's supposed to be our enemy, and they make our phones.

Do you know how dumb that is?

We let the enemy make our phones. We can't make a phone.

There's 330 million Americans, plus Mexicans, and no one can make a phone?

"What's the real number?" "Who cares, are you racist?"

"I'm not racist. Let them vote. Give them money."

What's going on? I don't think we should have open borders.

But maybe some of those folks sneaking in can make a phone.

I mean, some of them have to be valuable. These are ambitious people.

If I lived in Guatemala, I'd fucking walk here too.

If you can get across the Rio Grande River

with a balloon filled with fentanyl stuffed in your ass…

…that's the type of dude who can get shit done, okay?

That guy will come through in a pinch, okay?

He's not gonna form a union.

He doesn't even know what the fuck "overtime" means.

I'll trade him for everybody who has blue hair. "Fuck you, go back. Go there."

Let's make America great again.

Oh, this is the silliest show ever. I love it.

Thanks for being here. You guys are awesome. This is fun.

I really am worried about China. I really am.

What are you yelling out?

Go ahead, yell. You're on TV.

- What are you saying? - Hey!

- What about the Cobalt-- - Cobalt mine.

Oh, congratulations, you know a thing. This fucking idiot.

What about nuclear power plants?

What about renewable energy?

What a good time to yell that on live TV, fucking dipshit.

Imagine your whole life,

"I'm gonna say something meaningful. It's gonna make an impact. Cobalt mines."

China does that too. You're right.

They buy our farmland all around military bases.

We're like, "Oh, it's okay."

The craziest thing they've ever done. This is the craziest thing they've ever done.

There's a thing called The Bodies Exhibit.

Do you know what that is?

How many of you have been to The Bodies Exhibit?

Okay.

If you haven't been, The Bodies Exhibit is a science museum.

It's a science museum exhibit of dead human beings.

They take dead people, skin them, leave their dicks on,

give them fake eyeballs and have them posed like doing sports.

They're throwing a javelin, playing poker. It's the weirdest shit.

But somehow or another, it's okay, because it's in a museum.

If that same scene was in a serial killer's basement…

If a cop went into a serial killer's basement

and found dead people playing sports,

it'd be the front page of every newspaper. Like, what the fuck was that guy doing?

Right?

But it's at the museum. And you're like, "The windows are big. It's cool."

I went three times. You should go too.

You can't bring those people back.

The last time we were there, we were like, "Why does everybody look Asian?"

And we were like, "Where did they get these bodies?"

So we Googled it. And you should too.

'Cause the answer we got is, "Chinese unclaimed bodies

which may include political prisoners."

"May."

When the fuck do you ever get to use the word "may"…

…when people ask you where you got the dead people. What the fuck?

Now I'm in the rabbit hole. You know how that goes.

"What's a Chinese unclaimed body?" We Google that.

It's any body left unclaimed for 30 days.

Now here's the problem.

This process where they have to turn you into a statue after you're dead,

it has to take place within 48 hours of death.

Thirty days, 48 hours.

I'm fucking terrible at math, but I can do that one.

How did you guys not do this math?

I'm in the museum, like, "This is a fucking murder exhibit."

And part of me is, like, "This is terrible."

And the other part of me is like, "How gangster are the Chinese?"

This is--

That has gotta be the fucking coolest way to get rid of somebody.

Can you imagine some Chinese diplomat comes home,

and he catches the tennis instructor in bed with his wife, like:

"Oh, so you enjoy tennis.

Well, now you can play tennis forever!"

And he could just go to the museum and visit this dude.

Any time he wants.

"Oh, Mr. Big Dick, how's your game?

You look a little sluggish. I'll see you tomorrow. Ha-ha.

Ha-ha, motherfucker."

Everybody kills people in other countries,

but they don't turn you into a statue. That's wild shit.

You know, they do it to a lot of people there.

You gotta mind your P's and Q's in China.

You get disrespectful in a business meeting,

next thing you know, you're on a bike at the museum.

"Oh, look, there's Harry

with all his big criticisms about our infrastructure.

Look at you now, Harry.

Riding a bike like a fucking asshole with your dick hanging out."

I just wanna say, I admire what they've done.

I'm not just saying that so I hope they don't kill me.

I really hope they don't. But if they did, it would be a funny way for me to die.

If I went missing, then four months later there's a short guy

at the museum with a microphone.

"Oh, Mr. Funny Man, where's your fucked-up accent now?

Go back to Fear Factor. Oh, you can't. Ha-ha. Ha-ha, motherfucker."

That would be a funny way for me to die.

The funniest way for me to die is if I die from Covid.

Don't think I didn't think it!

When I got Covid, the first thought I had was, "You better not die.

I talked so much shit. I talked so much shit."

If I died from Covid, the memes would never end.

It would be me with two X's for eyes holding a can of horse paste.

"Apparently, fear was a factor."

It would be funny. I would be laughing.

I would be on my deathbed going, "Fuck. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Why didn't you trust the science?"

Whoo!

Why didn't I trust the science?

Thank you.

Nobody likes a science denier. By that, I mean, dudes who believe in squirting.

Like, "Hey, man, they've done the research. It's pee."

"No, dude. I'm telling you, it's not pee." "Dude, it's pee.

What are the odds that it's a mystery fluid

that comes out of an undiscovered organ and squirts out the pee hole?

Like, hey, at least the Earth looks flat. I can see how you get confused."

"It looks like pee, it smells like pee, it's pee." "Dude, it's not pee."

"I'm telling you, she's got a Stanley filled with sweet tea,

she drinks it all day and she's fucking lazy.

She doesn't wanna get up, she's peeing on you, and you're a fucking idiot."

"You gotta believe the science.

Trust us." I heard that so often during the fucking pandemic.

"Why don't you trust the science?"

I got canceled so often during COVID that sometimes I would find out by accident.

This is a true story.

One time, I just woke up, I'm in my underwear,

I plopped down in front of the TV, I turn it on. The moment I turn it on,

Prince Harry's talking shit about me. I'm like…

I just woke up.

I'm vulnerable. I'm in my underwear, and there's a prince on TV.

Do you know how fucking weird it is when a prince knows your name?

He's like, "Joe Rogan's giving out

dangerous vaccine misinformation."

And my first thought was, "Fuck, did I?

I might have."

But here's my take on that, sincerely.

If you're getting your vaccine advice from me…

is that really my fault?

Like, who are we protecting?

Who's out there going, "You know that dude who made people eat animal dicks on TV?"

"How's he feel about medicine?" Like…

That's not my job, kids. I'm a professional shit talker, okay?

Some of the things I say make sense, a lot of them don't.

It's up to you to figure out what's what. That's the fun part.

Problem is, people say, "People listen to you and take your advice."

Well, take this advice: don't take my advice.

It's the best advice. Don't take my advice about 200 milligrams,

and don't take my advice about Covid.

Because when my wife had Covid, I fucked her twice.

I wish I was lying.

It was before any cure.

I was following her from seven feet away, like, "You don't look that sick."

This is a real conversation we had. She said, "You are gonna catch it."

I go, "No, I'm gonna hold my breath.

I can hold my breath for four minutes, let's fucking go! Let's fucking go."

I know why people got upset, I got it all.

And I'm not even mad at Harry.

If I was him, I would have said the same shit, I get it.

If I met that dude, I'd love to have a drink with him.

I genuinely think most people are good people.

I think if you approach them with good intentions, have a good conversation…

If I met that dude, I'd be like, "I'm not mad at you.

In fact, I think if I lived your life, I would be you,

and I think if you lived my life, you would be me.

I think we're all one. Let's have a drink, relax.

Have cocktails, have a good time." Like most of us, right?

And the goal… The goal would be to get him about three drinks deep.

And then go, "Hey, man, you ever do mushrooms?"

"I heard they give you brain damage."

"No, that's government propaganda.

Listen… whatever you eat, I'll eat double. Come on.

Let's go meet the aliens."

Could you imagine doing mushrooms with Prince Harry?

Imagine if you could trick that guy into doing mushrooms with you?

If you see him chew it and swallow it, you're like, "Oh, it's gonna happen."

There's a moment when you do mushrooms, like 20 minutes after you swallow it…

where you know you can't throw it up anymore.

You know that moment? You're like, "Oh no, it's gonna happen."

Can you imagine that moment?

You're sitting criss-cross applesauce,

just staring eye to eye with the prince, waiting.

And here's the thing about mushrooms.

Mushrooms take about 40 minutes to kick in…

but about 35 minutes in, you hear them coming.

Right? Yeah.

You hear footsteps in the distance like…

And while Prince Harry's tripping balls…

I'm gonna hover over him and go, "Are you sure vaccines are safe?

Bitch, you're not a scientist."

It was a weird time for me, Covid. I got in so much trouble.

One thing they would do that was sneaky, is that whenever people were mad at me,

they would take things that I've said drunk, high as fuck…

and they would just put it in quotes. Like it's a well thought-out statement.

As if I'm standing in front of a judge, going:

"Your Honor, I believe that lesbians lack the proper lower-back muscles

to fuck a woman correctly."

That was a real quote in an article about what a piece of shit I am.

And I read it, and I was like, "First of all, it's true."

I wish it wasn't. I wish it wasn't.

But also, you can't just put that by itself.

Because I didn't say it by itself. I wouldn't just declare that.

Like what a rude, shitty thing to say for no reason.

I only said that as part of a conversation that I didn't wanna have.

Ever have one of those? You're talking and somebody interrupts.

I was at a bar with a friend in New York, we were drinking, having a good time,

and there was this particularly aggressive lesbian lady at the bar,

Which genuinely, I'm a fan of.

I like wild people. She looked like Tom Arnold, had a Patagonia vest on.

You know the type.

She was doing shots with her girlfriend. They were talking shit.

"Fuck, yeah, bitch!"

Doing shots and kissing. Atmosphere! Fun! Yay! It was fun.

But then she kept talking to us. Me and my friend are talking.

She goes, "Sorry, boys, she only likes girls.

And I got my own dick!"

And I'm like, well, now we're in a conversation.

Right?

So I go, "Where is it?"

And she said, "It's a strap-on."

And I said, "Having a strap-on and thinking it's a dick

is like having a lighter and thinking you're a dragon."

"Plus, everyone knows that lesbians

lack the proper lower-back muscles to fuck a woman correctly."

That's the only time I would ever say that.

It would have to be those words in that order,

and I feel like if they put all that in that article,

people would read it and go, "I see his point.

Yeah. They were just talking shit and she got out of pocket.

That's all it is."

Instead, they try to use that quote as proof that I'm homophobic.

And I'm like, oh my God, there is so much better proof.

You guys are lazy. Like, that's all you dug up?

First of all, it's not true. But if you wanna take me out of context,

I give you a lot to work with, you know?

For the record, I'm not even remotely homophobic. I'm the opposite.

I wish I was gay. It looks way easier.

You're hanging out with only guys? No one can get pregnant?

No more lies? I wish!

And if I was gay, I get to use that F-word again.

Oh, how I miss it so.

Oh, how I miss it so!

Tony Hinchcliffe can still say it, but you know why.

I used to throw that word around like a beach ball at a concert.

Just, "Whee!" It was a fun word.

Made conversations more festive. It was fun.

And rarely did it have anything to do with gay men.

But they took it just like they took the fucking rainbow, all right?

Because they're men, and they're greedy.

They'll tell you, "You shouldn't wanna say that word.

You say that word, you're a homophobic piece of shit."

Or you're calling your friend to wish him a happy birthday.

What about the fun way? There's no gay people on this phone call

unless the government's gay, because you know they listen.

There's only one problem with that word,

and that problem is that there are people in the world,

although there's less than there's ever been, thankfully,

there are people in the world that hate gay men.

But nobody hates gay women, and that's why you can say dyke.

You can say dyke at work, they're like, "I'll look out for her." Nobody cares.

Nobody even fake gets mad.

Nobody hates gay women.

In fact, men don't even think they're real.

Women believe in gay men.

If a woman sees two hot guys kiss, she's like, "They're gay."

A guy sees two women kiss, he's like, "Pfft. They think they're gay.

But that's just 'cause they ain't got a piece of this sweet dick, kid!"

Every man that has ever lived…

you give him three drinks, he thinks he can fix a lesbian.

Like, "Dude, I'm the one, I'm fucking Highlander.

I got the tools. I can fix her."

And also, for whatever reason, men don't seem to care if girls have done gay stuff.

Again, I'm just a journalist, and I report what I see in the field…

and I've noticed if you're talking to men, and they're being honest…

Gentlemen in this room, I want you to imagine,

you're on a date with a woman and she's the one.

If you get lucky, you will find the one. But sometimes you're not with the one,

it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen. One bad relationship after another,

you're so frustrated, am I ever gonna find someone I fucking love?

And then finally, you're on a date with the perfect person.

She's so fucking cool, you're drinking margaritas,

you're imagining having a family together. And she's like:

"In the interest of full disclosure…

I just want you to know that for the last 10 years

I was in a relationship with a woman."

And you're like, "Low miles, whoo!"

You call your friends up, "Dude, it's like a barn find!

Yeah, it's like a '69 Mustang that was under a tarp.

A lady had it.

Yeah, she took it out every couple days and licked it.

Look at all the rubber on those tires. Look at the suspension."

I don't know why men think that way, but I know some women get very angry.

This lady waited for me after a show to lecture me.

She waited for me, she's like:

"You don't care if the woman does gay things

if you don't care about the woman."

I'm like, "Okay, Socrates." Like, what?

Why don't you write that shit down on rocks so people in the future can read it,

you fucking imbecile.

I hate dumb people that are confident, you know?

Also wrong. I hate dumb people that are wrong and confident.

Because she's wrong.

Like, I love my wife more than anyone I've ever met in my life.

She is my favorite person.

Thank you.

But…

If I came home tonight and was like, "Hey, baby, how was your night?" She's like:

"Fucking Melissa tricked me into licking her pussy."

I'd be like, "Well…don't do that a lot."

I'll be walking that fine line between creepy and supportive.

Like, "If that happens again, make sure I'm there in case that bitch goes crazy."

No women think that way. Zero. No women think that way.

People say there's no difference between men and women, it's just cultural.

That seems like… No women think that way. I don't care how open-minded you are.

I don't care how progressive you are. If you're a heterosexual married woman…

and you're at home just reading a book…

waiting for my man… And he comes to the door:

"You are not gonna fucking believe what happened.

"What? What happened?"

"Mike tricked me into sucking his dick again."

"How does this keep happening?"

"I don't know, it's crazy."

"Okay, what is going on, are you gay?"

"No. Mike is just really tricky."

They're gonna say that's a homophobic joke.

And I'm gonna say how? Because the gay guy wins.

That dumb straight guy keeps sucking his dick.

That's a W for the gays.

They wanna tell you you can't make jokes about them.

If you want equal love, you have to have equal jokes.

Because that's how we find out if you're annoying.

Yeah.

If we can't joke around about you, we know you take yourself too seriously.

They're trying to say they're hateful, it's hateful.

Listen, I don't hate anybody. I love everyone. And I love gay men.

But I think about gay men the same way I think about mountain lions.

I'm happy they're real, but I don't wanna be surrounded by them.

They're dudes who fuck dudes. I don't like my chances, okay?

They're not unicorns, they're just men who fuck men.

And every man who's ever lived is a shifty cum salesman, okay?

All of them, 100%. Especially the ones who say they're not.

Every man who's ever lived is a foreman of a small, 24-hour sperm factory

with a shaky agreement with the union.

You got one warehouse, that's your balls.

One delivery truck, that's your dick, and packages are constantly stacking up.

And you're like, "Hey, we gotta get this product out of here!"

And if your product sucks, you become a male feminist.

And these are the facts.

That's what it is.

And some of these guys are trying to get rid of gay jizz. It's normal.

They just got the gay gene. I love them. I love everybody.

You can't control your genes.

Obviously, it's a gene thing. You know, we can't--

Like, you ever done a gene test? I did one of those.

I found out I'm 57% more Neanderthal than regular people.

Yeah, I'm fucking handicapped.

Yeah, Europeans killed my people too, where the fuck's my casino? Huh?

I want my cave back!

That was a big number. I showed my wife. "I told you this wasn't regular stupid."

But she had a really good point. She goes:

"But all people came from cave people, right?"

Which is a fucked-up thing to think, that everyone in this room is here

because somewhere in our ancestry, someone had sex before they figured out doors.

That was a long time!

Thousands and thousands of years, no doors.

Just wild monkey people trying to run away from cats.

This thing we're doing right now, this is so recent.

Civilized society where a bunch of cool people can hang out together,

we don't know each other, have a wonderful time, drink cocktails.

This is so recent.

But there's such a thin veneer on this society.

That's why you have those thoughts. You know those thoughts?

"I can't believe I'm thinking that, I would never do that."

How about this? I know you have this thought.

When you're in your car

and the light turns green but the scooters keep coming?

And you just wanna go to jail!

I wanna see masks fly off, and backpacks.

"Fuck you for feeling safe!" You know those thoughts?

You don't do it, but you know those thoughts?

How about this? You ever be in line at Starbucks,

and there's a cop in front of you, and he's not paying attention?

And you're like, "I think I can take his gun.

I'm gonna hit him now and John Wick the fuck out of this room."

You don't do it, but you think it.

That's why we need homeowners associations, IRS payments,

student loans, credit card debt.

We gotta be distracted.

We can't keep society going with those thoughts.

I have my most fucked-up thoughts talking to really smart people.

Because I can't keep up, so I just start thinking my own things.

"I bet they're not thinking this." Because, like, I'm friends with Elon Musk,

which is the intellectual equivalent of a boy and his dog.

He's so much smarter. You know when you're around your dog,

he's like, "You're different. tell me what to do." That's me.

I'm like, "When they land, you'll tell them I'm cool?"

I was having a conversation with that guy where he was explaining to me

how this rocket ship his company designed is gonna move civilization to Mars

and about how we have to become a multiplanetary species

to survive natural disasters, and it's a six-month journey in this rocket.

He's telling me all the calculations, and halfway through him explaining this,

I stop paying attention.

And while he's talking, all I'm imagining…

I'm imagining four dudes strapped into a rocket, on their way to Mars.

One guy pulls out a gun. Boom! Shoots that guy. Bang! Shoots that guy.

Boom! Blows his own brains out. Leaves one guy alive going:

Flying all the way to Mars, strapped in next to three dead dudes.

I don't know why I was thinking that. I wish I was paying attention.

I'm talking to the smartest guy alive, and I'm thinking, "Should I tell him?

I should probably tell him my idea.

He doesn't know you can get a gun up your ass."

I had a whole backstory. That guy had an affair with that guy's wife

and tricked him to go to Mars.

Yeah, he's not-- Elon's not thinking these things.

He's… If evolution's real, that guy's ahead of us.

I don't know if evolution's real. I've done zero research.

I always say I think it's real, because if you don't, people are mean.

But it's a terrible story.

Like, if a moron told you the story of evolution,

you'd be like, "What happened?"

"Once upon a time, giant lizards ruled the Earth,

then a rock came from the sky and killed them.

Then a little shrew just kept doing its best.

And one day it became a person."

I thought, "Yeah, fuck that story, I'm sticking with Jesus."

That story sucks a fat dick, son.

Because even if you're right, you have no incentive.

If we all go to darkness, I think I'm going to heaven.

I sleep like a baby.

You're on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.

You're a fucking idiot for not believing in dumb shit. You sleep better.

Look, I believe in evolution.

I just don't think all the monkeys crossed the finish line at the exact same time.

I have a feeling there's probably some trial and error.

You know? And I have a feeling somewhere in my ancestry,

someone was like, "Fuck it. One more time with a monkey."

Probably late in the game too, like at the buzzer.

If you know, evolution probably took a long-ass time.

Not like one day we woke up and we were people.

It was thousands of years, a lot of gray area.

And if you know human men, there had to be a moment in history

where a group of guys had to pull their buddy aside and go:

"Hey, man, you gotta stop fucking monkeys."

"Dude, she's cool."

"She does sign language." Like, "Sign language?"

You look over, the monkey's going like this:

"Man, I don't think that counts. I don't think that's real sign language."

Genes are so weird--

Thank you. Genes are weird because people are proud of them,

but didn't do shit to earn them. But we're all guilty of it.

If you do a DNA test and find out you got some cool stuff in there.

Like, I found out I have 1.6% African in my DNA.

Thank you! It's all dick!

It's not a big number. That's not my point.

Here's my point. 1.6% is not a lot of African.

I don't know what percentage African you have to be

where you can freely say the N-word.

But from my personal experience,

I will tell you that 1.6% appears to be insufficient.

The juice is not worth the squeeze, kids.

Yeah, nobody gives a fuck about context.

So I don't say the N-word, but I definitely have, and…

I would lie to you, but there's a lot of evidence. Like…

I never said it to be racist, because I'm not racist.

But if I was gonna quote a great Richard Pryor bit,

I wouldn't fuck it up by saying "the N-word."

I'd just say the actual word.

I thought everybody would understand.

But then somebody made a compilation

of every time I ever said that word over the last 15 years,

and they made a YouTube video,

and it turns out that looks racist as fuck!

Even to me!

I'm me, and I'm watching me, and I'm going, "Stop saying it!

You're not allowed to say it!"

I put my cursor over the video, I'm like, "Four more minutes?"

"Oh, my God, I gotta move to Florida. I gotta live with the swamp people now!

Because I said me a magic word."

Here's the thing about these words, you can't say them.

But that's unfortunate.

Because words are just supposed to be a sound you make

so I know what you're thinking.

I can't wait until we can read minds.

Because a lot of people out there say, "Have a nice day",

and they want you to get AIDS.

Okay?

I don't think the sound you make with your face is our big problem.

And I don't think we should ban words, because some of them are fun to say.

Here's my suggestion.

I think you should pay money to use the most offensive words

then that money goes to cancer research.

I think we can fix cancer. Here's my thought.

Every time you renew your car registration,

you can buy five "retard" tags.

Imagine if that's all it took. Imagine if retard tags cured cancer.

How would CNN even report on it?

But you know, a lot of people will tell you:

"Hey, you should never say that word."

And you know what? I agree. You should never say that word sometimes.

Right?

Sometimes. Like, if you're a good person--

If you're talking to a child with a developmental disorder,

you would never dream of using that word, right?

But if you're talking to a regular grown man

who made a documentary about the world being flat?

Yeah, he doesn't have extra chromosomes.

He's fucking retarded.

And if you don't say it that way,

he doesn't know how you really feel.

And he doesn't get the feedback we all need to learn and grow.

A lot of people say, "You're a hypocrite.

You'll say the R-word, but you won't say the N-word?"

Yeah!

Because I'm more afraid of Black people than I am retards.

Duh.

Don't you know how jokes work, faggot?

It's all just supposed to be funsies.

Words are for fun, kids.

Try explaining that. "Why did you laugh at that?"

You go to work tomorrow, "It was really funny."

The problem isn't words, folks. The problem is phones.

We have these complaint boxes we carry around with us.

We're constantly checking in

to see what the most complain-y people think about everything.

And it's not a lot of people. And it's affecting culture.

This is what most people don't know.

Ninety percent of all tweets are made by 10% of the people.

And those people are 100% retarded.

It's phones! It's being connected to everywhere.

And it's weird. We're weirdly connected.

Like, I never leave my house without my phone.

I leave my kids at home all the time.

I love my kids way more than I love my phone,

but I will let certain people watch my kids, you know?

Like my wife's mom, she's an amazing grandmother.

Never trust that bitch on my phone.

Like, "Hey, get out of there, Nana! That's my real brain."

Can you imagine unlocking your phone,

giving it to your wife's mom, going "I'll be back in an hour"?

Look, I'm a good guy,

but I say a lot of shit to my friends that I don't really mean

but I think it's funny.

I don't wanna have to explain that to a 75-year-old lady.

"Look, read it. He says he's gonna kill you and fuck me.

He sent that to all his friends. And they all thumbs-upped.

Look at all the thumbs up, these fucking psychopaths.

Oh, and there's a lot of pictures of other guys' dicks on his phone.

Do you know about those?"

I send my wife pictures of other dudes' dicks

just to see if she's paying attention.

If you wanna find out if you got a good jewel,

you gotta bring them a fake diamond.

You gotta stay crafty or these hoes get bored.

Every day's a fucking game!

No, not really. "What, really?" No.

My wife's mom is a lovely lady. She's 75 years old and single.

So I said to my wife, "Why don't we take her

to one of those nice places where there's guys her age."

She goes, "No. They all go crazy and they get STDs."

She has an article saved, an article about a rash of STDs at nursing homes.

I'm reading it, I go, "Okay, this is the difference between you and me.

Because if there was a place where I could take my grandpa

and he would definitely get herpes?

I would fill that old dude up with so much viagra that he goes deaf.

I'd give him a couple extra twists of his mustache

and push him toward those old hoes. "Let's go, Grandpa!"

I'd be in that parking lot with a conch shell.

Every man wants his grandfather to be the savage of the nursing home.

You go to visit grandpa, he's got an army helmet on, open bathrobe,

bottle of Jack, big old hard-on, blacked-out naked old ladies in his room.

He's like, "I fuck, and I wait for the Lord!"

I'm glad you guys laughed

because my wife didn't think any of the shit I just said was funny.

She's like, "Don't write it down."

I'm like, "You're too close to this, baby."

She goes, "Who wants to have sex with a 75-year-old woman?"

I'm like, "A 102-year-old man."

He'd be pumped. "She's a good one. She was born after the war.

They had better food."

He survived 'Nam, let him fuck!

"This is bullshit. You don't mean it. You don't want that for your grandfather."

That's what he wanted. He told me. He told me! I'm not guessing.

I was very close with my grandfather.

I got drunk with my grandpa before he died.

I go, "Grandpa, how do you wanna die?"

He goes, "I want a Russian nurse riding the old shlazool,

with her hands on my neck, and right when I'm about to nut,

I wanna look her in the eye and go, 'Fuck you, and fuck Stalin.'

And bam! I had a great life."

I will never forget that day because I was 6 years old.

San Antonio, I love you to death!

Thank you very much, this was a lot of fun!

We did it! We did it!

This was the first time I've done anything like this live, it was fun!

I can only do it because you people are so fucking cool! Thank you very much!

Thanks for coming out! Thank you!

Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you, brother. Thank you. Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you, guys, thank you!

Thank you. Thank you, guys.

Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go! Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you.

We're a part of each other's lives forever. Thank you!