Original subtitles

Whilst Spike Milligan gave us a wonderful turn in our episode 5,

it is very good to have the team back together.

And I thought we should take a moment to congratulate

Clive and Sophie on their engagement.

A little celebration is in order.

Eunice? Bring in the chocolate fingers.

l’m afraid ‘Songs of Praise’ soaked up our booze budget.

No, l’m joking of course. l’m teetotal.

(LAUGHTER)

Dennis - I'm very glad you decided to re-join us.

Decided? We had to drag him back kicking and screaming.

In a good way.

l’m glad to see the series through to the end.

Well, then we should talk about how things are going to run

with this final show.

Mr Richardson and Miss Straw you are, of course, at all times,

representing the Network both on screen and off.

Is that clear?

You are engaged, not yet married.

The viewing public don’t want to see their stars messy lives

splashed across papers - just look at the detrimental effect

it’s having on Tony Hancock.

Yes Ted. All above board. You have our word.

Mine too.

Too much? I'm sorry.

We all want to see the adventures of ‘Jim and Barbara’ return

for another series, so let’s go out with a bang!

(SNIGGERING)

Oh please. Do grow up.

(CAMERAMEN CLAMOURING)

Jim? Oh, yeah.

Um, Sophie darling, what did you just do there?

I'm having a scratch. Men are always having a scratch down there.

It's liberating.

I do not scratch my balls.

(BURPS) (LAUGHING)

End of Sophie’s Dream Sequence. (HITTING PAN)

What the bloody hell is that Bill?

Rusty plumbing.

Rusty Plumbing? I think I saw him at the Palladium.

And action.

Jim! Wake up l’ve just had the most amazing dream about a world

where women can do everything men can do.

Except piss standing up.

Green book!

Oh don't! You'll have to come up with something else.

Wee standing up. Tinkle?

Tinkle! Tinkle standing up.

And then do I go to the bathroom? Yes.

Ooh and then, then the camera can stay on me and I can deliver

a killer punch-line, yes?

Actually, in this episode Sophie gets the punchlines.

Yes, very good. Very good.

Good.

(BACKGROUND 'OOH'ING)

See you at mine later.

Ooh. We’re gonna tell Ted Sargent!

Oh, give over. He’s being taken to dinner with his agent.

The only thing my agent’s ever given me is an invoice.

So it’s going well with Captain Cuddles?

It’s going great thanks.

So come on, tell me what you been up to then?

...well I come home the other night when suddenly tap tap tap at the

bloody window pane.

I looked out - you know who it was?

Bloody Greta Garbo!

I love Pete and Dud. You know what they do, is it all improvised?

Most of the time, it is. Why don't we do that then?

The next series, why don't we improvise? l’d love to have a go.

Why not. I think you’d be really good at it.

Don’t do us out of a job though... Come on, give us a line.

Oh, Edith! l’m late for dinner.

Don’t worry darling.

My boss will be talking about himself for at least another hour...

I'm joking, I'm joking. Soph? What you doing?

Well I'm improvising!

I thought you wanted me to be Edith?

Uh... no. No improvising. l’m- I'm late for dinner with Edith.

See you tomorrow.

Well that wasn’t at all embarrassing.

What’s going on?

Edith and Dan are getting divorced.

She’s shacking up with Vernon Whitebait.

Darling you’ve been inundated with invitations.

The Mary Quant people want you to model the new collection and

you are tippermost at the toppermost of the VIP list for the

Terry Clarke photographic exhibition.

Better think of something to wear. And make it snazzy.

Oh yes, anybody who's anybody will be there.

It’s such an accolade being photographed by Terry Clarke.

Perhaps you could persuade him to take the pictures for your wedding!

Clive would love that.

Why you so concerned with what Clive wants all the time?

You’re not his agent.

In your absence darling our boys got together and

commiserated over a couple of Dirty Martini’s.

Why? Why would you be having a couple of... mucky martini’s with Clive?

It really isn't a thing.

Patsy was there a little extra filing to do? We're a bit behind with all that aren't we?

There’s a good girl.

Poor Patsy. She's a little bit confused at the moment, see,

she's going through the change.

Right! I better get to rehearsals. Absolutely.

Lovely to see you as usual.

Well I think it’s grubby. Poor girl has no idea Clive was coerced.

Nobody’s been coerced into anything!

But the papers want what they want - and they won’t wait forever.

Blimey! I didn’t know you could actually type!

So, you finished the script then?

Oh! Bill mate? What’s the big secret?

Alright.

Wait wait, no no no.

No, no! Let me have a gander.

Fuckin' hell, Bill. Yeah, alright.

What d’you think?

I think you’ll be arrested if anyone else reads this.

What is it, like a diary?

A novel maybe.

It’s good. Actually it’s brilliant.

And I fucking hate you.

I love writing comedy with you, Tone...

Feeling’s mutual. Best job in the world.

You make me laugh every fucking day.

...but I want to write different stuff too.

About...

The other part of my life.

I need to write about it.

l’m scared, Bill.

‘Cos I'm only really myself when l’m writing with you.

Oh hello! We interrupting something?

Just don't leave it lying around on a bus seat.

Chaps can you set up for the bathroom plumbing scene please?

Don't mind me. No- come on, mate. Bill, help me.

Den? l’m sorry about you and Edith.

Oh well. We’re being very grown up and sophisticated about it all.

So you are really getting a divorcing her?

Yes.

Well, actually, she wants to divorce me.

On what grounds? Adultery.

Oh. Crikey.

So, have you been having a... dingaling?

Absolutely not. No, gosh no.

No, that’s the point.

It’s actually quite funny in a way.

Edith who very much has been having a ‘dingaling’ has now

decided that I uh should have one too so that she can save face

and divorce me.

Not that I would ever, but for a woman in her position it could

ruin her career. Hello?

Writers in the room...

Rehearsal sometime this year would be great.

What’s cooking? Probably Marj’s pants.

No actually - l’m going to make a pasta dish.

One of the girls at my group gave me the recipe.

Tastes like cardboard. Has it gone off?

It’ll taste nice once it cooked. Yeah, we know that.

This is lovely, just hanging out for once.

Yeah, how come you got a day off work?

They changed my rota. l’m in tomorrow instead.

Let’s stick it on anyway, yeah? I quite fancy that Andy O’Shea.

Oooh Marjorie! I say.

Diane maybe you could fix her up?

Get in line!

BOTH: Now we know.

It’s just a flirtation. Who’s she?

Uh, good question. They must be trying her out.

Oh it’s him. Banging on as usual.

He looks like a panto villain.

There’s nothing pantomime about that man.

If it was down to him, me and my family would be on a boat,

back to wherever the fuck he thinks we came from...

Is there a boat to Cobham?

They might argue this is their home.

The majority of them regard India or Jamacia or wherever it may be as their home.

Of course that's a valid opinion. Not it isn't!

Take him on, Andy, challenge him!

On the other side there is a certain evil.

You make a very interesting point. Don't just let him off the hook!

TV: Two, three days before the conservative...

(SHUTS OFF TELEVISION)

(MUSIC PLAYING, BAR CHATTER)

This is mad! Who are all these people?

Do you know them?

We are in with the 'In crowd’ now darling.

The Famous Club.

All of these are our friends here. Cheers.

Wotcha fuckers.

Terry! Good to see you again. Alright geezer.

Why don't we have a look at your snapshot.

I mean wow, great shot, mate. Great shot.

I look dead serious... I look a bit like Brando.

Michael? Mike? Darling it’s Michael Caine.

I haven’t seen him since ‘Zulu’. Do you mind?

What d’you think Sexy Sophie?

I think it’s a lovely picture but I'm not sure if it's the real me.

Oh nevermind that.

Come on blondie, let’s get a couple of snaps here in front of it.

Your lips. Just make them... Like two slugs fucking.

That’s more like a duck taking a shit.

That is the real me.

D’you want to go to bed with me?

Oh my god!

Shall I ask my fiancee to hold your camera while we do it?

Suit yourself. I won’t ask again.

That’s probably a lie I probably will.

Is your life always like this?

Soph, it’s all just a game.

Sit back and enjoy the ride. I've turned you into an icon.

Make the most of it.

(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)

(PHOTOGRAPHERS SHOUTING)

Turn back Sophie, give us one more!

Over here you fuckin’ bitch!

Got ya. (LAUGHS)

Hello darling. Hello.

You should have stayed at the party last night, it was a blast.

The Rolling Stones turned up and everyone went dancing at Annabel's.

I hope she didn’t mind. Annabel’s is a Club, darling.

I know that, darling.

So, Mick and Marianne invited us to Keith Richards’ country

house for the weekend!

Keith Richards? Blimey. I wouldn’t know what to say.

I don’t think Keith’s big into small talk.

Nothing you'd understand, anyway.

You know, just, relax, tune in, let yourself go.

Enjoy the perks of the job.

I think I mainly enjoy the job.

I love being in the rehearsal room. It feels safe.

I can be myself.

You know, darling...

The rehearsal room isn’t real life.

Nor is hanging around with the Rolling Stones.

The Powell interview was interesting.

God, what a piece of work.

You let him off lightly.

If l’d been there l’d have gone for the jugular.

He made sure that didn’t happen.

l’m sorry?

All I know is they suddenly changed the rota. Is there more?

Okay, this is awkward. Someone should have told you.

He refused to be interviewed if you were in the vicinity.

And you thought that was alright? Of course not.

But the powers that be felt it would be best.

And you didn’t say anything?

Diane. It was out of my hands.

What would you have done in my position?

Alright, here we are ladies and gentlemen.

Where's that microphone please?

That's just the thing, isn't it?

I never will be in your position.

...so Diane we’re looking at how many tools the average woman

can identify...

Well l’d certainly like to know the name of the tool who decided

not to have me in the studio yesterday.

Haha... l’m not quite uh sure...

Only a very big Spanner would made that sort of decision,

surely. Crikey.

Well luckily you’re with us today.

But unluckily - you’re just a very small cog in the machine, Andy.

Otherwise perhaps you’d have spoken out.

I think we’re ready-

Actually, I don’t think you’re quite ready for me.

Go on Diane.

Cocking hell.

Dearly beloved we are gathered here today for the final episode

of Jim and Barbara. (SAD AWWS)

Yes, it’s sad.

Honey, can you move over please? I want to do my makeup.

spend a few more minutes admiring yourself?

I was going over my lines. Want to run things?

Actually, there's got to be a better joke for the end of the bathroom scene.

Maybe we could call Golden and Simpson, ask them to write it.

BOTH: Oh!

Seriously though, lads. Any new lines?

Just a couple.

(LAUGHTER) It's as big as you, Tony!

Well, the old jokes are the best.

Shall we give Sophie a moment? (ALL AGREEING)

Break a leg. Break a leg.

Clive.

After you, Dennis.

Deja vu.

What do you mean?

Deja vu? It's French, darling. I know what it means.

What did you mean?

Oh, uh. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Clive.

There was a... moment. In Blackpool.

Blackpool? He was at the train station.

With roses.

Roses?

Who for?

Uh. Soph.

For you.

Yeah anyway, the best man won, so.

Hmm. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Lady and gentleman? It's show time.

(LAUGHTER)

Jim! Jim, Jim, wake up!

l’ve just had the most amazing dream about a world

where women could do everything men can do.

Except tinkle standing up.

It’s all a fantasy, darling.

It’s the future!

There’s no reason a woman can’t do what a man can do!

Hmm. What, even the toughest, dirtiest jobs?

Even the toughest jobs.

Alright then - in that case can you sort out the plumbing in the toilet?

The pipes are making an awful din.

Rather risque, but a fun idea.

The boys do write very well for women.

Um, actually Sophie came up with a lot of it.

Is FX set for the water? Set.

Right. Well, we only sort of have one go with this.

Good luck. Ready to roll. And, action!

(CHEERING) (PIPE SOUND EFFECT)

Right. Let's be having you.

(WATER RUSHING)

(LAUGHTER)

What is all this racket?

Jim! I've done it! I fixed the pipes!

Oh, darling, well done. Clever little thing.

You know you could have just turned all the water off with this.

(YELPING) (LAUGHTER)

Get down you beast!

It's coming out of every hole!

You men. Always fiddling with your stop-clocks!

(APPLAUSE, SHOW MUSIC PLAYS)

Cut. Very good. Spot check that please.

He says we’re just checking the tape.

I hope it's alright, or we'll be back

in the bedroom doing another tinkle standing up!

Oh, you know what I mean.

Although, has anyone here ever tried a ‘standy uppy’? Girls?

Does the phrase ‘fill yer boots’ come to mind?

When I was little I thought I could do anything.

I thought I could be a Footballer or a Racing driver...

An, a pilot, or a...

Camera Person, Boom operator or a TV Director - alright I didn’t even

really know what half those jobs were - but l’d have wanted to do them.

I asked my Dad why it was that girls didn’t do jobs like that,

and he said “because they can’t do a tinkle standing up. ”

I thought he was joking, but as I grew up I realised that if

you’re a girl

there are an awful lot of people saying ‘you can’t’.

And they said this was no job for a woman -

but here I am, doing jokes for a living.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

So, you have to stand up for yourself and don't ever let anyone

tell you you can't do what you want to do just ‘cos of where your

wee comes out. (LAUGHTER)

Okay, thank you! The tape's okay apparently.

Well that's the end of Jim and Barbara.

Come on, come on Clive.

Our writers, Bill Gardener, and Tony Holmes.

And the 5th Beatle. Our fearless leader Dennis Mahindra!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Here we are. Thank you.

From him. Cheers.

So that was that. That Was The Show That Was. That was it.

Well, not ‘it’ it. Just the end of Series One.

You could see it as the start of Series Two.

We don’t know that we’re going to get a Series Two, though do we?

Well l’m banking on it, now l’m going to have another mouth to feed.

Well I never. June’s got a bun up her jumper?

Who’s the Daddy?

Fuck off. Congratulations.

Are you happy?

Terrified.

Bye Jo, by Serena.

You came!

And? What did you think?

The seats were bloody uncomfortable.

But um, you weren't half bad.

Come here. Aw!

You're coming to the party, aren't you?

Yes. Yes.

Good.

See you there.

I wondered when you'd turn up.

What do you want?

I hoped you'd understand... Oh, I understand. Money is it?

What? No... Oh come on.

Everybody wants something. I don’t want anything.

Fine. Good.

It was just- seeing you up there tonight...

I felt so proud.

What gives you the right? To feel anything about me.

I always knew you were something special.

Oh I was special. I was the kid who had no mother.

I didn’t mean to hurt anyone Barbara.

l’m not Barbara. l’m Sophie Straw.

And you did. Hurt us.

That wasn’t part of my plan. Oh there was a plan was there?

It wasn’t just a random act of cruelty?

How could you never even try to get in touch?

How could you... I did. I wrote to you.

Of course I did. Oh please don’t lie to my face-

I was just a little kid. All I wanted was me mum!

What were you looking for?

What was so wrong with me and dad that you had to go off

searching for something better?

So, go on then. Who’s wife did you end up being?

No-one’s.

No-one’s wife.

He was already married. He was happy as we were.

Happy for a while.

And now suddenly here you are.

You were my baby, I wanted to look at you.

Have you look back at me.

You're so beautiful.

Well that’s that sorted then. I hope it was all worth it.

Because when you went, the bottom fell out of my world.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What you drinking?

No, l’m fine.

What's that? Weird.

I see no reason why you shouldn't be the next Sophie Straw.

Here's my card. Come and see me.

Well played tonight.

Thanks.

Back off Dennis.

She made her choice.

She didn’t know there was a choice.

Well, that was interesting tonight. You deciding to go off book.

Well I had a few things to say.

Yes, the problem with you, Sophie Straw is that you always say

too much. Don’t forget, you were just a girl from nowhere.

I put you on Television.

It’s up to me what you say and when you get to say it.

Those days are over Ted.

Times are changing. So either get with it or get the fuck out of my way.

You're flying too high, ladybird, your wings are gonna snap.

Ted Sargent is not a waiter in some greasy spoon,

he's the head of light entertainment!

I'm worried about you.

Well you can stop worrying. Because l’m not doing this anymore.

Oh, so you're giving up on showbusiness are you?

No. l’m giving up on you.

Eventful night.

I didn’t know you smoked.

Nor did I.

I think l’ve screwed things up with Ted Sargent.

l’d expect nothing less.

Den.

I think l’m a bit drunk.

Where to miss? Hampstead please.

Goodnight, Sophie Straw.

Oh. l’m sorry I bailed; l’m crap at goodbyes.

l’ll fetch you a drink.

Why did you do that?

Do what? You shut the bedroom door.

Are you hiding someone? Soph!

I...

l’ve been offered a job in America.

What?

They’re creating a new drama and they want me for the lead.

How could you not tell me that?

I just didn’t want to spoil the last show for everyone.

Thoughtful. Darling.

l’d be crazy to turn this down.

Finley and O’Toole are both working out there. They love it.

This could be great for both of us.

Both of us? What? I just drop everything and come with you?

This is an amazing opportunity.

For you. Not for me.

l’m here doing what I always wanted to do.

Sophie please... No!

I don’t want to drop everything and start again in America as just some

anonymous blonde on your arm.

You're the most ambitious person I've ever met.

You're the one who's leaving for Hollywood in the morning

Soph, do you remember, I once said to you,

that l’d never met anyone like you. I meant it.

You’re amazing. A one off.

But if I stay...

I'll just end up as a bit player in the ‘Sophie Straw Show'.

Yeah, did you end with a wallop? Big party and all that?

It was alright. Any celebrities turn up?

No celebrities but we did have one unexpected visitor.

Oh yeah? Do tell?

Are you alright?

Dad. Have you always told me the truth about Mum?

Did she ever try to get in touch?

Why’re you asking?

I can’t talk now, Dad, l’ve got to go.

Oh uh - Ying Tong iddle i...

My long lost mother turns up and everything turns to shit.

l’m so confused.

All the anger, and the hurt, the years of hate,

it just feels like such a waste.

The thing is though, without her going off there would have

been no rage, no fire in your belly, no move to London.

You’d have been crowned Miss Blackpool and yer mum

might have been sat there in a deckchair, cheering you on.

But that would've been all that wouldn't happened.

So I owe her everything and nothing.

But now what?

l’ve finally found what l’m good at - and where’s it got me?

I've no agent, no boyfriend no job - l’m right back where I started.

No. You’re not though. You're not.

My Group would say that this is you on the cusp of your next chapter.

Sophie strikes out! The future’s in your hands, Barb.

You got to grab it.

You think?

I mean I dunno do I - but it sounded really good, didn't it?

What a wanker.

Couldn’t he have told us to our faces?

I don’t blame Clive. He was always slumming it with us in sitcom.

Don’t defend him Den. He is an arsing pisscock.

What did Ted Sargent say?

That without it’s lead Jim and Barbara faces an uncertain future.

Which translates as? We’re fucked.

Den, you’re freaking me out. Why’re you smiling?

God he's finally lost it. Hide the knives.

Ted Sargent is not the only comedy shop in town.

There’s a comedy shop in town? Good, we can buy some new jokes.

Tony, grab some mugs. I just had a rather interesting conversation with The Other Side.

A deal? Are you absolutely sure about this?

My sister Euphemia works in the Chief Executive’s office over

at the Other Side. They’ve made a very handsome offer.

Really? Dennis is a corporation man down to his woollen socks.

Well Euphemia says they’re drawing up contracts.

Already? That was quick.

Move with the times Ted. They’re a commercial channel.

They pounce!

Get me Sophie Straw’s appalling Agent on the phone.

She sacked him at the wrap party. (PHONE RINGING)

Eunice, is there anything you don’t know?

When l’m getting a payrise?

Find out where Sophie Straw is and l’ll give you one now.

Mr Sargent! Oh, I didn't mean-

She’s on her way up.

Do- come in...

I'll call Sophie and give her the good news.

Once the cash rolls in we’ll be bathing in champagne.

Ooh no mate. It’d sting your nuts.

Soph’s going to fucking love us forever!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hello Marjorie, this is Dennis.

May I please speak to Sophie?

She’s gone to see that Ted Sargent. I thought you’d be with her?

Right.

Den? Den?

Den? Den what's up?

l’m sorry if after the show I was a little...

Condescending? Rude. Though to be fair I did tell you to ff...

Well, quite.

We’d like to find you a new ‘Jim’!

I don’t want to make Jim and Barbara.

No Jim and Barbara?

No. No Jim.

Just Barbara?

That’s a great name for the show!

Where do I sign?

Earls Court please!

Dennis!

I just got us a show! We start straight away!

What? No, we’ve got a show!

Who with? The Other Side.

What? Why didn’t you tell me?

l’ve just signed a contract with Ted Sargent.

So what do we do now?

Dennis.

What would you have said to me in Blackpool?

If you’d had the chance?

I would have said, Sophie Straw.

I love you.