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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,140 --> 00:00:03,220 I had no idea that word is even in a woman's vocabulary. 2 00:00:03,255 --> 00:00:06,057 I can only imagine the distress it caused to both crew 3 00:00:06,092 --> 00:00:08,825 and members of the audience unlucky enough to hear it. 4 00:00:08,860 --> 00:00:12,420 I'm so sorry. In my defence, sir -I don't want to hear your defence. 5 00:00:12,455 --> 00:00:15,380 I don't want to hear anything coming from your gutter mouth. 6 00:00:16,580 --> 00:00:18,700 You have displayed a degree of moral turpitude 7 00:00:18,735 --> 00:00:20,997 that is absolutely unacceptable. 8 00:00:21,032 --> 00:00:23,260 You have single-handedly set fire... 9 00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:27,385 ...to everything this network stands for. 10 00:00:27,420 --> 00:00:31,020 As of today, you are suspended from your duties. 11 00:00:31,055 --> 00:00:33,025 No! 12 00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:36,505 But... But who'll be in Jim and Barbara? 13 00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:38,860 Clive Richardson will continue in his role as Jim. 14 00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:41,065 What?! 15 00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:43,140 He wasn't the one that used foul language. 16 00:00:43,175 --> 00:00:45,145 But he was the one who did the foul deed. 17 00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:48,320 We have issued a press release citing inability to work 18 00:00:48,355 --> 00:00:51,460 due to sudden illness as the explanation for your absence. 19 00:00:56,740 --> 00:00:58,740 Your Network pass. 20 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,785 You can see yourself out. 21 00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:15,500 ♪ Sous aucun pretexte je ne veux 22 00:01:15,535 --> 00:01:19,145 ♪ Avoir de reflexes malheureux 23 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:22,780 ♪ Il faut que tu m'explique un peu mieux 24 00:01:22,815 --> 00:01:24,820 ♪ Comment te dire adieu 25 00:01:27,060 --> 00:01:30,640 ♪ Mon coeur de silex vite prend feu 26 00:01:30,675 --> 00:01:34,427 ♪ Ton coeur de Pyrex resiste au feu 27 00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:38,180 ♪ Je suis bien perplexe, je ne veux 28 00:01:38,215 --> 00:01:40,580 ♪ Me resoudre aux adieux 29 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,580 ♪ Je sais bien qu'un ex... 30 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:49,380 ♪ Amour n'a pas de chance, ou si peu... 31 00:01:50,780 --> 00:01:54,620 ♪ Mais pour moi, une ex... plication 32 00:01:54,655 --> 00:01:56,660 ♪ Vaudrait mieux 33 00:01:58,380 --> 00:02:01,940 ♪ Sous aucun pretexte je ne veux 34 00:02:01,975 --> 00:02:05,500 ♪ Devant toi surexposer mes yeux 35 00:02:05,535 --> 00:02:07,557 ♪ Derriere un Kleenex 36 00:02:07,592 --> 00:02:09,545 ♪ Je saurais mieux 37 00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:11,620 ♪ Comment te dire adieu 38 00:02:17,060 --> 00:02:19,060 ♪ Comment te dire adieu ♪ 39 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,100 (HE EXHALES) 40 00:02:23,260 --> 00:02:25,940 I'm going to need a three-Martini lunch after this 41 00:02:25,975 --> 00:02:27,980 to get over the shock. 42 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,825 (CLEARS THROAT) 43 00:02:32,860 --> 00:02:34,900 - Patsy? - Yes, darling? 44 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:38,225 Call Dr Woodcock and ask him to 45 00:02:38,260 --> 00:02:40,460 scribble one of his special sicknotes, would you? 46 00:02:40,495 --> 00:02:42,500 Will do, darling. Nothing too terminal. 47 00:02:42,535 --> 00:02:44,505 Roger. 48 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,545 The press must never find out. 49 00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:49,225 I'm merely trying to salvage the situation. 50 00:02:49,260 --> 00:02:51,660 How am I meant to make a living in the meantime? 51 00:02:51,695 --> 00:02:54,220 - The Carry On film? - Oh, yeah? 52 00:02:54,255 --> 00:02:56,225 It's gone. 53 00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:59,980 They just cast a bubbly little blonde called Barbara Windsor. 54 00:03:00,015 --> 00:03:04,260 Besides, obviously you can't work. You're infectious. 55 00:03:04,295 --> 00:03:06,300 Orthorubulavirus? 56 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:11,180 - Roger that. - Thank you so much, Dr Woodcock. 57 00:03:11,215 --> 00:03:13,425 Yes, will do. Bye-bye. 58 00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:15,465 - What have I got? - Mumps. 59 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:18,140 Oh, great. Now I have to go around looking like a hamster. 60 00:03:18,175 --> 00:03:21,180 You're in quarantine. You don't GO AROUND anywhere. 61 00:03:21,215 --> 00:03:23,220 (SIGHS) 62 00:03:29,340 --> 00:03:32,460 Darling, let me help you. Where will you go? 63 00:03:33,940 --> 00:03:37,300 - Probably just go home. - Go in disguise. 64 00:03:37,335 --> 00:03:39,545 - Oh, I'll go in disguise. - As what? 65 00:03:39,580 --> 00:03:42,660 Some woman who's been shat on from a very great height. 66 00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:47,980 They've met, in that case. 67 00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:51,665 (BELL RINGS) 68 00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:53,740 (BELL RINGS AGAIN) 69 00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:02,240 - Morning. - It's Len. Len Phillips, Evening Gazette. Remember me? 70 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:05,660 Wondered if you had any news on when she'll be back on the box? 71 00:04:05,695 --> 00:04:09,260 Sorry, Mr Phillips. Len. No, not yet. 72 00:04:09,295 --> 00:04:13,060 She's very poorly with ortho... 73 00:04:13,095 --> 00:04:15,065 Mumps! She's got mumps. 74 00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:18,025 Face like a bowling ball! It's a terrible... 75 00:04:18,060 --> 00:04:21,220 Send the best from us, and tell her we're sorry about her and Clive. 76 00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:26,620 Right, OK. 77 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:45,780 Morning. 78 00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:12,985 It's like wearing a pair of wet trousers. 79 00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:15,540 Feels horrible, but there's nothing else you can do 80 00:05:15,575 --> 00:05:17,545 apart from wait for them to dry out. 81 00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:19,625 Well, she should have thought of the consequences 82 00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:22,040 before she went off effing and blinding in front of her boss! 83 00:05:22,075 --> 00:05:24,420 I knew her toilet mouth would get her into trouble one day. 84 00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:30,400 I'm sorry I let you down. 85 00:05:30,435 --> 00:05:32,385 You didn't let me down. 86 00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:35,380 - You were provoked, love. - I'm not saying. I'm just saying... 87 00:05:35,415 --> 00:05:37,420 She should have stuck with Aidan. 88 00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:41,305 Listen... 89 00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:43,380 Miss you, Bubble. Chin up. 90 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,465 Yin tan iddle I po. 91 00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:48,540 ♪ Tin tan iddle I po ♪ 92 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,060 (EXHALES) 93 00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:05,945 All right, this is fucking ridiculous! 94 00:06:05,980 --> 00:06:08,460 You've made your point. Are we literally seven years old?! 95 00:06:08,495 --> 00:06:10,937 We still need to get a show on the air this week. 96 00:06:10,972 --> 00:06:13,345 Yeah, well, we had a show, but thanks to Clive 97 00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:16,265 and his incredible performing cock, we don't have a Sophie. 98 00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:19,180 Yes, well, let's pick ourselves up - and move on as best we can. - No. 99 00:06:19,215 --> 00:06:21,985 Bill's right. Clive fucked it. 100 00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:24,420 The rest of us manage to keep our private lives separate. 101 00:06:24,455 --> 00:06:26,820 - Why can't you? - Because he's sexually incontinent. 102 00:06:26,855 --> 00:06:29,060 We had the biggest hit of all our careers, 103 00:06:29,095 --> 00:06:31,065 and Clive had to jizz all over it. 104 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,705 And you had Sophie Straw. She's a goddess. 105 00:06:33,740 --> 00:06:36,540 Where the fuck do you get off lecturing me about relationships?! 106 00:06:36,575 --> 00:06:38,837 If Ted Sargent knew about Bill hanging around in toilets, 107 00:06:38,872 --> 00:06:41,106 he would shut down the whole fucking - Leave Bill alone. 108 00:06:41,141 --> 00:06:43,340 Says the man who's so confused about which way to swing, 109 00:06:43,375 --> 00:06:45,345 he can't even get his own wife pregnant. 110 00:06:45,380 --> 00:06:47,540 Here's a tip, Tony - try fucking - her. - Shut up, Clive. 111 00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,580 Oh, I'm sorry, was that some big secret, was it? 112 00:06:49,615 --> 00:06:51,585 Bill, what have you said? 113 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:55,140 - Nothing. - Come on, you know what Bill's like after he's had a few. 114 00:06:55,175 --> 00:06:58,497 - Tone, Tone... Fuck off! - Wait... Don't listen to him! 115 00:06:58,532 --> 00:07:01,785 - I trusted you! - Stop this! This is not productive. 116 00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:04,980 Oh, it's Dennis, the great peacemaker, makes everything better, 117 00:07:05,015 --> 00:07:07,657 except the dark hole at the centre of his own marriage. 118 00:07:07,692 --> 00:07:10,156 Whoa, Jesus, Bill, take it easy. Don't have a go at Dennis. 119 00:07:10,191 --> 00:07:12,585 Thank you, Clive. I'm quite capable of defending myself. 120 00:07:12,620 --> 00:07:15,540 Then how is it you haven't noticed Edith's making a fool of YOU? 121 00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:20,140 I'm only saying what everyone in the entire building already knows. 122 00:07:20,175 --> 00:07:22,180 She's banging Vernon Whit... bait. 123 00:07:23,220 --> 00:07:24,665 Whitbait... 124 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,660 Vernon... Vernon... 125 00:07:26,695 --> 00:07:28,505 Uh... 126 00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:30,940 Whit... Whit... Whitshire... 127 00:07:30,975 --> 00:07:33,305 Whitchstable... Whitstable...? 128 00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:35,940 Whit... Vernon Whit... Vernon Whitfuck? 129 00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:39,180 Vernon... It's Whitfield. 130 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,060 BOTH:Not the face! 131 00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:46,305 Did you just try and punch me, Dennis?! 132 00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:48,700 - Yes, and I'd like another go. - No, no, no, no, no! 133 00:07:48,735 --> 00:07:50,940 ♪ THE KINKS - You Really Got me 134 00:07:50,975 --> 00:07:54,225 (COMMOTION) 135 00:07:54,260 --> 00:07:56,265 Leave it! Leave it! 136 00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:58,860 Stop this! This is so silly. 137 00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:02,145 Silly? You're silly. 138 00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:05,345 ♪ Yeah, you really got me now 139 00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:08,780 ♪ Got me so I don't know what I'm doing 140 00:08:08,815 --> 00:08:11,705 ♪ Oh, yeah, you really got me now 141 00:08:11,740 --> 00:08:13,985 ♪ You got me so I can't sleep at night 142 00:08:14,020 --> 00:08:17,100 ♪ You really got me, you really got me ♪ 143 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,300 Bill, put the knife down. 144 00:08:30,460 --> 00:08:32,460 You little shit. 145 00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,780 You fucking killed him. 146 00:09:00,780 --> 00:09:02,780 Dennis? 147 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:11,120 OK, who do you want to be? 148 00:09:12,020 --> 00:09:14,500 Sandie... 149 00:09:14,535 --> 00:09:15,945 or Cilla? 150 00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:17,985 Can't have you stuck in here for weeks on end. 151 00:09:18,020 --> 00:09:20,420 You need to take these puppies for a - walk. - Does it suit me? 152 00:09:20,455 --> 00:09:24,700 (LAUGHS) Um... It's a touch Mediaeval monk. 153 00:09:24,735 --> 00:09:26,865 Well, that's my favourite look. 154 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:31,740 I feel so stupid. Why didn't I just keep my trap shut? 155 00:09:31,775 --> 00:09:34,557 Uh, no. Why didn't Clive keep his trousers shut? 156 00:09:34,592 --> 00:09:37,340 In my women's workshop, we've got a technical word 157 00:09:37,375 --> 00:09:39,345 for men who behave like that. 158 00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:41,420 - Oh, yeah? - Arseholes. (THEY LAUGH) 159 00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:45,345 It is unfair dismissal, though. 160 00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:47,700 So you can complain to your union. Marj is right. 161 00:09:47,735 --> 00:09:49,705 Why didn't Dennis cover your back? 162 00:09:49,740 --> 00:09:51,745 Andrew O'Shea would have stuck up for me. 163 00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:55,060 Dennis didn't know. Ted got me on my own, and that was that. 164 00:09:56,660 --> 00:10:00,425 You go back in to Ted Sargent, and you demand your job back. 165 00:10:00,460 --> 00:10:04,260 You look him straight in the eye - Imagine him taking a great big shit. 166 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,140 Trust me, it works. 167 00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:11,145 It does. 168 00:10:11,180 --> 00:10:14,860 I've been banned from TV Centre. They took away my pass. 169 00:10:14,895 --> 00:10:16,900 I wouldn't get through the door. 170 00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:29,860 MUSIC: Sandi Shaw - Don't Run Away 171 00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:34,020 ♪ Run away, run away 172 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,300 ♪ Run away, run away 173 00:10:38,740 --> 00:10:40,740 ♪ Run away, run away 174 00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:45,105 ♪ Darling baby 175 00:10:45,140 --> 00:10:47,745 ♪ Baby, I am so much... 176 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:51,100 - Can I see your pass, Miss? - Haven't seen you here before. 177 00:10:51,135 --> 00:10:53,260 - What show are you on? - Top of the Pops, innit? 178 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,180 - She's taller than I thought. - Who? Sandi Shaw, innit? 179 00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:02,540 Hang on, don't they film Top of the Pops in Manchester? 180 00:11:02,575 --> 00:11:06,420 ♪.. each and every o-other day 181 00:11:06,455 --> 00:11:08,945 ♪ You are on my mind 182 00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:12,800 ♪ But I know you have been 183 00:11:12,835 --> 00:11:16,620 ♪ The wandering kind... ♪ 184 00:11:16,655 --> 00:11:18,625 Sophie, wait! 185 00:11:18,660 --> 00:11:21,105 Dennis. What happened to your face? 186 00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:23,860 - What are you doing here? - Getting my job back. 187 00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:28,265 It was unfair dismissal. 188 00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:30,600 Going to give old bully boy Ted Sargent a mouthful. 189 00:11:30,635 --> 00:11:32,900 This is not the way to do it. And what is this? 190 00:11:34,940 --> 00:11:37,260 Dennis... Ah, Eunice. 191 00:11:37,295 --> 00:11:39,265 May I help you? 192 00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:43,980 Uh, I just wanted to let Ted know that everything is under control. 193 00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:48,505 All right? 194 00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:50,545 Come along, dear. 195 00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:56,500 ♪ Now that I've found you, don't run away... 196 00:11:56,535 --> 00:11:58,625 Oi? Oi, you! 197 00:11:58,660 --> 00:12:02,385 ♪ Tell me to stay, baby 198 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:05,780 ♪ Tell me you're mine all of the time... 199 00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:09,460 - Soph? - I leave you for five minutes, and you end up 200 00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:12,145 looking like the Bash Street Kids. 201 00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:14,620 You can talk. You look like Nana Mouskouri in a wind tunnel. 202 00:12:14,655 --> 00:12:16,660 I'm so sorry I've messed everything up. 203 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,717 Soph, Clive was being a wanker. 204 00:12:18,752 --> 00:12:20,705 If only that was all he'd been. 205 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,700 - What are we going to do? - Just keep a low profile. 206 00:12:23,735 --> 00:12:25,705 For the time being, at least. 207 00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:29,300 I'll talk to Ted. You'll be back in the show. 208 00:12:29,335 --> 00:12:31,340 I promise. 209 00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:36,580 Ah, Dennis, Look, I... 210 00:12:36,615 --> 00:12:38,620 You there? 211 00:12:40,220 --> 00:12:42,425 Soph... 212 00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:44,465 Oi, there she is! 213 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:47,660 ♪ Run away, run away... Come here! 214 00:12:47,695 --> 00:12:50,060 ♪ Run away, run away 215 00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:54,860 ♪ Run away, run away... That way, chaps. 216 00:12:54,895 --> 00:12:56,900 ♪ Run away, run away 217 00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:01,305 ♪ Darling baby... ♪ 218 00:13:01,340 --> 00:13:03,860 Have I got spinach in my teeth? 219 00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:09,665 Only a little bit. 220 00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:13,300 Anyone missing a crucial clipboard? 221 00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:15,305 I think that's the producer's. 222 00:13:15,340 --> 00:13:17,625 Oh, is that the duty log? I love reading that! 223 00:13:17,660 --> 00:13:20,300 Some of the calls we get are hilarious. What does it say? 224 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,660 "As a keen gardener, I am deeply offended by your presenters 225 00:13:25,695 --> 00:13:27,745 referring to tomatoes as a vegetable. 226 00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:30,300 They are a fruit. "Thank God we finally cleared that up. 227 00:13:30,335 --> 00:13:32,305 Oh, yeah, I have to agree with this one. 228 00:13:32,340 --> 00:13:35,200 "Andrew O'Shea's garish ties look like sick. " 229 00:13:35,235 --> 00:13:38,025 Hey, leave my ties alone. I think they're snazzy. 230 00:13:38,060 --> 00:13:41,980 "Get that woman off our televisions. Can't you find a de... 231 00:13:42,015 --> 00:13:43,985 decent White girl?" 232 00:13:44,020 --> 00:13:46,620 Can you not leave things like this lying around? Thank you. 233 00:13:47,780 --> 00:13:50,020 Going live. Five, four... 234 00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:58,025 Oh, my God, Marjorie, is it true? 235 00:13:58,060 --> 00:14:00,460 She's not going to be in the show any more? 236 00:14:00,495 --> 00:14:03,580 - She's just off sick. - What with? 237 00:14:03,615 --> 00:14:07,345 VD?Why would you say that? 238 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,460 Clive Richardson is a notorious naughty boy. 239 00:14:09,495 --> 00:14:11,465 I wouldn't mind catching a dose off him. 240 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:14,585 A friend of a friend knows someone who knows Clive. 241 00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:19,220 And they said that the real story is that Sophie Straw's been fired. 242 00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,300 (LAUGHTER) 243 00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:27,225 Whoops. My hand slipped. 244 00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:30,065 Every day you look at these papers, yeah, 245 00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:32,980 and you just gossip about how much you fancy all the fellas, 246 00:14:33,015 --> 00:14:36,380 and how all the women are just useless sluts. 247 00:14:36,415 --> 00:14:39,500 Why can't you be nice about other girls? 248 00:14:39,535 --> 00:14:41,505 Sophie Straw is my friend, 249 00:14:41,540 --> 00:14:46,020 and a person that you know, an actual person with actual feelings. 250 00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,900 Sorry. I didn't realise you were a lesbian. 251 00:14:49,935 --> 00:14:51,940 (GIGGLING) 252 00:14:57,340 --> 00:14:59,340 (GASPING) 253 00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:03,665 Whoops. 254 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,740 My hand slipped. 255 00:15:05,775 --> 00:15:07,745 Oh! 256 00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:09,820 (GIGGLING AND APPLAUSE) 257 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,840 MUSIC: # Nico - These days 258 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:32,085 ♪ I stopped my rambling 259 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:37,400 ♪ I don't do too much gambling these days 260 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:45,485 ♪ These days I seem to think about 261 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,560 ♪ How all the changes came about... ♪ 262 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,800 Thank you, Andrew. Well, in light of the weather we've been having, 263 00:15:52,835 --> 00:15:54,960 I went in search of the perfect umbrella. 264 00:15:54,995 --> 00:15:56,965 A simple task, you might think. 265 00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,480 But let me tell you, umbrellas range from the sublime... 266 00:16:00,515 --> 00:16:02,520 to... 267 00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:06,065 ...the ridiculous. 268 00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:08,660 I bet you could make even that hat look beautiful, Diane. 269 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:16,740 (HE LAUGHS) 270 00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:21,100 There. Oh. Pretty as a picture. 271 00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:25,385 Oh, my God. 272 00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:27,780 The state of this place. What are you doing here? 273 00:16:27,815 --> 00:16:29,937 I've got my women's group coming round. 274 00:16:29,972 --> 00:16:32,060 - Sorry. - I've got it, I've got it. 275 00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:37,940 Sorry, Marj. I'll go in the bedroom. You don't have to go. 276 00:16:37,975 --> 00:16:39,945 Oh... 277 00:16:39,980 --> 00:16:42,940 - I think she does. - She can join in if she likes. 278 00:16:42,975 --> 00:16:46,140 - Really? - Yeah. You got a hand mirror? 279 00:16:48,380 --> 00:16:50,345 Will a compact do? 280 00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:52,385 - Perfect. - Are we doing make-up? 281 00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:54,460 We're going to make friends with our fannies. 282 00:16:57,020 --> 00:16:59,020 (LAUGHTER) 283 00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:02,545 OK, gather round. 284 00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:04,620 I never knew it was so busy down there. 285 00:17:04,655 --> 00:17:06,625 I think mine even winked at me. 286 00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:10,420 Mine looked a bit like David Niven. (ALL LAUGH) 287 00:17:10,455 --> 00:17:12,477 All right, settle down. 288 00:17:12,512 --> 00:17:14,500 Who wants to kick off? 289 00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,505 Marj? 290 00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:18,580 No, do you want to...? 291 00:17:20,980 --> 00:17:23,100 I finally walked out on my husband. 292 00:17:30,140 --> 00:17:32,140 And I walked out on the kids. 293 00:17:32,175 --> 00:17:34,145 Oh, my God. 294 00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:36,820 I love my children, but... 295 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,260 ...I didn't choose to be a mother. 296 00:17:43,260 --> 00:17:45,260 He's not a bad man, it's just... 297 00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:48,580 It was all just so wrong. 298 00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:51,705 Made me ill. 299 00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:55,860 The grief at leaving my kids 300 00:17:55,895 --> 00:17:57,865 is... 301 00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:59,940 spectacular. 302 00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:04,100 I've been called heartless. 303 00:18:05,340 --> 00:18:07,340 Negligent. Scum. 304 00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:12,740 But I had to get out, otherwise... 305 00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:18,580 ...those kids wouldn't have a mum at all. 306 00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:24,820 People think motherhood's mandatory, and fatherhood's voluntary. 307 00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:27,340 - Too bloody true. - We're not here to judge. 308 00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:39,380 Here, how's Barbara? 309 00:18:40,780 --> 00:18:42,785 You want to be looking after her, mate. 310 00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:44,865 - She's a diamond. - Yeah, she certainly is. 311 00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:47,540 Tell her to get well soon, yeah? Will do, mate, will do. 312 00:18:51,740 --> 00:18:54,460 I'm sick of people thinking that I'm responsible for 313 00:18:54,495 --> 00:18:57,217 the wellbeing of a fictional character. 314 00:18:57,252 --> 00:18:59,940 I think the lines are slightly blurred. 315 00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:04,345 Fucking hell. What's the title of this week's show? 316 00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:07,900 - Mayhem at the Morgue? - Bombay - Calling. - I wish it was. 317 00:19:07,935 --> 00:19:09,905 Love to be out of this dump. 318 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,500 Barbara is away, and Jim is hosting high tea 319 00:19:12,535 --> 00:19:15,025 for his political counterpart from Bombay. 320 00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:19,140 - Is this your idea, Den? - No. It's Ted Sargent's suggestion. 321 00:19:19,175 --> 00:19:22,237 And that means we've got no fucking choice in the matter. 322 00:19:22,272 --> 00:19:25,406 Who's going to play it, then? Jim's Indian counterpart? 323 00:19:25,441 --> 00:19:28,540 Oh, please! Not some bloke with boot polish on his face. 324 00:19:28,575 --> 00:19:31,017 Absolutely not. There'll be no minstrelsy. 325 00:19:31,052 --> 00:19:33,460 I've a very good actor in mind for the role. 326 00:19:33,495 --> 00:19:35,500 - Good. - I, um... 327 00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:41,705 Um... 328 00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,745 I should, um... 329 00:19:43,780 --> 00:19:46,620 OK... No... I should, um... 330 00:19:46,655 --> 00:19:49,077 Before I went... had a... 331 00:19:49,112 --> 00:19:51,465 Maybe just a bit... What... 332 00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:55,220 What -Clive, are you coughing up a furball or trying to apologise? 333 00:19:55,255 --> 00:19:57,225 Yes. That. 334 00:19:57,260 --> 00:19:59,300 The last one. You know, um... 335 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,940 I am sorry. 336 00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:11,980 Yes, well, I don't suppose any of us covered ourselves in glory. 337 00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,300 Very good. 338 00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:27,620 All right. 339 00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:33,620 Ha, yes... 340 00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,640 Good, right... 341 00:20:47,675 --> 00:20:49,660 Oh, thanks, Tone. 342 00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:54,780 Chaps? This is Harinder Singh. 343 00:20:58,060 --> 00:21:00,025 - Hello. - Tony Holmes. 344 00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:02,100 Bill Gardener. Are you all right, mate? 345 00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:04,140 - You know Clive Richardson. - Ah. 346 00:21:04,175 --> 00:21:06,197 Who's in charge here? 347 00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:08,220 Very good. Point already. 348 00:21:08,255 --> 00:21:10,260 Take a seat, please. 349 00:21:11,580 --> 00:21:14,305 Thank you so much for coming in. My pleasure. 350 00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:18,100 Before we start, is there anything you'd like to ask about the part? 351 00:21:18,135 --> 00:21:20,780 No, I think it's all pretty - self-explanatory. - Good. 352 00:21:20,815 --> 00:21:22,785 Actually, I do have a question. 353 00:21:22,820 --> 00:21:24,860 I've always... What is under the hat? 354 00:21:26,740 --> 00:21:28,705 What's under yours? 355 00:21:28,740 --> 00:21:31,100 Uh... I'm not wearing a hat. 356 00:21:31,135 --> 00:21:33,945 Nor am I. 357 00:21:33,980 --> 00:21:36,020 Oh, right, well... 358 00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:40,320 So, why don't we try the scene? 359 00:21:40,355 --> 00:21:42,367 So if we get it on its feet. 360 00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:44,380 You come through the door. 361 00:21:45,580 --> 00:21:47,580 It's off-book. 362 00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:53,060 So, Harinder, yes, if you come in from the other side. Thank you. 363 00:21:53,095 --> 00:21:55,100 Um...(CLEARS THROAT) Right. 364 00:21:55,135 --> 00:21:57,140 (KNOCKING) 365 00:21:58,460 --> 00:22:00,460 (LOUDLY AND SLOWLY) Hello! I am Jim. 366 00:22:04,220 --> 00:22:06,600 You... have... good... journey? 367 00:22:06,635 --> 00:22:08,980 Yes, I... have good journey. 368 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,720 But I don't have hearing problem. 369 00:22:11,755 --> 00:22:13,725 Please, come in. 370 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,800 May I take off my shoes? 371 00:22:17,940 --> 00:22:19,905 ♪ Smile... 372 00:22:19,940 --> 00:22:22,380 "Dear Dad, today, for entertainment, 373 00:22:22,415 --> 00:22:24,785 I watched a fly lay eggs on a sausage, 374 00:22:24,820 --> 00:22:27,500 and then raced two raindrops down the window pane. 375 00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:30,900 I can't stop thinking about what I'm missing. 376 00:22:35,540 --> 00:22:39,420 Dennis said to hold tight, and that he'll get me back on the show. 377 00:22:39,455 --> 00:22:42,705 But I don't think even Dennis can work miracles. " 378 00:22:42,740 --> 00:22:47,545 He's concerned for the moral fibres of his beloved country. 379 00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:53,060 "Please write again soon. If I sound desperate, it's because I am. 380 00:22:53,095 --> 00:22:55,065 Yin tan iddle I po. " 381 00:22:55,100 --> 00:22:59,480 ♪.. see sun come shining through... ♪ 382 00:22:59,515 --> 00:23:03,825 Oh, Vernon's cocktail parties are legendary! 383 00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:08,220 His ideas on Wittgenstein are absolutely mind-blowing. 384 00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:14,100 You barely spoke. 385 00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:19,100 Why did you want me to come with you tonight? 386 00:23:19,135 --> 00:23:21,500 Everyone was desperate to meet the producer 387 00:23:21,535 --> 00:23:23,940 of the hilarious Jim and Barbara show. 388 00:23:25,420 --> 00:23:28,620 Well, I'm sorry if they were expecting Norman Wisdom. 389 00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:37,820 Did you want me to see you? 390 00:23:37,855 --> 00:23:39,860 What do you mean? 391 00:23:41,620 --> 00:23:43,620 Edith, I saw you with Vernon. 392 00:23:46,940 --> 00:23:49,820 Well, you haven't kissed me like you mean it for years. 393 00:23:53,060 --> 00:23:56,185 Well, if I've been negligent in any way... 394 00:23:56,220 --> 00:23:58,660 Negligent?! Oh, Jesus Christ, Dennis, you sound like 395 00:23:58,695 --> 00:24:01,105 you're dictating a legal document. 396 00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:05,100 Be angry! Shout at me! Where's the passion? 397 00:24:05,135 --> 00:24:07,265 All right! You're my wife. 398 00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:11,420 - I love you. - But you're not IN LOVE with me any more? 399 00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:14,660 Are you? 400 00:24:19,180 --> 00:24:21,180 Too long a pause, Dennis. 401 00:24:26,180 --> 00:24:28,180 Are you in love with Vernon? 402 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:31,405 As a matter of fact, I am. 403 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,525 And he's very much in love with me. 404 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,040 And when we fuck, he makes me feel like... 405 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,445 ...Aphrodite. 406 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,520 MUSIC: # The Casinos - Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye 407 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,880 ♪ Kiss me each morning 408 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,800 ♪ For a million years 409 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,480 ♪ Hold me each evening 410 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,160 ♪ By your side 411 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,660 ♪ Tell me you love me... (KNOCKING AT DOOR) 412 00:25:20,695 --> 00:25:24,120 ♪ For a million, a million years (WHISTLING) 413 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,560 ♪ Then if it don't work out 414 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,285 ♪ Then if it don't work out... 415 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:39,240 - Let's go! Come down! - We're going out. 416 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:45,005 Come down! 417 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,080 ♪.. goodbye ♪ 418 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,040 Come on, you two. 419 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,205 Bloody hell, I was all set for an early night. 420 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:58,480 - You and my grandma. - Dennis said to keep a low profile. 421 00:25:58,515 --> 00:26:00,920 You can't get much lower than this. You'll be fine. 422 00:26:00,955 --> 00:26:03,720 Are we going for a night out in (INDISTINCT)? 423 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,320 - Hi. - Welcome to the munge. 424 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,720 (CHATTER AND MUSIC) 425 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,360 MUSIC: # Jefferson Airplane - Somebody to Love 426 00:26:23,395 --> 00:26:25,365 ♪ Tears are running 427 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:28,560 ♪ They're all running down your dress 428 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,965 ♪ And your friends, baby 429 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:36,720 ♪ They treat you like a guest 430 00:26:36,755 --> 00:26:40,457 ♪ Don't you want somebody to love 431 00:26:40,492 --> 00:26:44,306 ♪ Don't you need somebody to love 432 00:26:44,341 --> 00:26:48,750 ♪ Wouldn't you love somebody to love 433 00:26:48,785 --> 00:26:53,160 ♪ You'd better find somebody to love 434 00:26:53,195 --> 00:27:00,440 ♪ Oh oh ♪ 435 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,280 ♪ You don't own me 436 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:39,280 ♪ Don't try to change me in any way 437 00:27:39,315 --> 00:27:41,320 ♪ You don't own me 438 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,725 ♪ Don't tie me down 439 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,320 ♪ Because I'll never stay 440 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:52,580 ♪ I don't tell you what to say 441 00:27:52,615 --> 00:27:56,447 ♪ I don't tell you what to do 442 00:27:56,482 --> 00:28:00,141 ♪ So just let me be myself 443 00:28:00,176 --> 00:28:03,765 ♪ That's all I ask of you 444 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,560 ♪ I'm young, and I love to be young... 445 00:28:07,595 --> 00:28:11,125 ♪ I'm free and I got to be free 446 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:15,100 ♪ To live my life the way that I want 447 00:28:15,135 --> 00:28:19,040 ♪ To say and do whatever I please... 448 00:28:19,075 --> 00:28:21,080 (CHEERING) 449 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,365 I really miss her. 450 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:50,645 ♪ Oh, don't tell me what to say 451 00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,980 ♪ And please, when I go out with you 452 00:28:54,015 --> 00:28:57,245 ♪ Don't put me on display... ♪ 453 00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,320 MUSIC: # Interstellar Overdrive - Pink Floyd 454 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,200 Tony? 455 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,760 I mean, I'd worked it out about Bill, but... 456 00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,880 - Well done, Sherlock. - But you... 457 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:02,925 What about June? 458 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:05,000 I mean, are you going to tell her? 459 00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:08,445 Soph, um... 460 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,560 It was June's idea. 461 00:31:10,595 --> 00:31:12,600 What? 462 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:18,960 She wanted me to get out and try it, find out once and for all, 463 00:31:18,995 --> 00:31:21,000 she said. 464 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,800 She must really love you. 465 00:31:24,835 --> 00:31:27,325 (EXHALES) 466 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,400 I really love her. 467 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,480 We just can't seem to... 468 00:31:33,515 --> 00:31:35,520 You know? 469 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,740 And did you? 470 00:31:41,775 --> 00:31:43,760 Find out? 471 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,640 I found out that I like both. 472 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:55,040 I don't even know what that is. Fuck! 473 00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:01,160 In a way, I envy Bill. 474 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,280 Life is not easy for him at all, 475 00:32:05,315 --> 00:32:07,320 but at least it's clear. 476 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:10,805 Who says it has to be clear? 477 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,960 It's nobody's business what goes on between you and June. 478 00:32:13,995 --> 00:32:16,000 Do what you want. 479 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,200 I'm not as brave as you... 480 00:32:22,235 --> 00:32:24,205 - Sophie. - Me? 481 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:29,240 Brave? I just make it up as I go along. 482 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:35,640 And I've no idea what happens next. 483 00:32:35,675 --> 00:32:37,645 Mm. 484 00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:39,685 So, where are we with the script? 485 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:41,920 - Morning, Frank. - It's been rather difficult 486 00:32:41,955 --> 00:32:44,045 to find the right dynamic without Sophie. 487 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,965 The chaps have worked incredibly hard on a temporary fix. 488 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,200 - As I'd expect. - We've had a bit of good fortune with casting. 489 00:32:51,235 --> 00:32:54,857 Ah. For the role of Guneet the politician? 490 00:32:54,892 --> 00:32:58,480 Yes. The chap we've got, he has great timing. 491 00:32:58,515 --> 00:33:00,485 Quite a find. 492 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,525 Yes, he certainly is. 493 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:04,600 Oh, you've heard of Harinder Singh? Who? 494 00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:08,205 I thought we'd discussed Spike Milligan? 495 00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:10,880 Spike's a huge star. I don't imagine that he's affordable. 496 00:33:10,915 --> 00:33:13,485 - Or available. - Then I shall put a call in to his agent. 497 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:17,680 Well, it wasn't just that, sir. I thought it would be more... authentic 498 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:20,845 and fun to have Harinder in the part. 499 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,400 Spike does an hilarious turn as a Pakistani. 500 00:33:23,435 --> 00:33:25,685 Yes, well, our character is Indian. 501 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,325 He was born in India, for goodness sake. He can do the lot. 502 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:31,360 Harinder Singh is very funny, and I'd like to give him the part. 503 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:39,920 If you wish me to seriously consider reinstating Sophie Straw, 504 00:33:39,955 --> 00:33:41,960 Spike will star in the show. 505 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:46,080 Just something to think about. 506 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,360 Careful with that supine spinal twist, darling. 507 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,760 I say, this woman seems to think she's Barbara's mother. 508 00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:10,560 Someone should tell her that Barbara is entirely fictional. 509 00:34:10,595 --> 00:34:13,117 - Oh! - No, Barbara is her real name. 510 00:34:13,152 --> 00:34:15,640 You created Sophie Straw, darling. 511 00:34:15,675 --> 00:34:17,645 Oh, so I did. 512 00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:21,525 How thrilling. I feel like Dr Frankenstein. 513 00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:25,085 - Mm. - I think we should show this one to Sophie, darling. 514 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:29,520 No, I very much don't think she can deal with the distraction right now. 515 00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:33,880 Why don't you throw it into the wacky wastepaper basket? 516 00:34:33,915 --> 00:34:35,920 Very well. 517 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:42,800 Mm. 518 00:34:47,100 --> 00:34:49,660 (KNOCKING) Now they're at the bloody back door. 519 00:34:50,060 --> 00:34:52,620 Told you, she's not here! 520 00:35:01,460 --> 00:35:03,460 Oh, Dad, I'm impressed. 521 00:35:08,780 --> 00:35:11,460 I like cooking, as it turns out. 522 00:35:12,980 --> 00:35:16,060 There's your egg all nice and runny, as you like it. 523 00:35:20,900 --> 00:35:26,340 - Are you crying? - Well, on TV, Barbara doesn't like dippy egg. 524 00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:30,260 So... everyone thinks I don't like dippy egg. 525 00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:32,265 I'm crying cos... 526 00:35:32,300 --> 00:35:34,340 you know how I like my eggs. 527 00:35:34,375 --> 00:35:36,380 (SHE SOBS) 528 00:35:37,500 --> 00:35:39,625 Aw! 529 00:35:39,660 --> 00:35:41,700 It's all right. 530 00:35:44,300 --> 00:35:46,320 What's she doing here? 531 00:35:46,355 --> 00:35:48,305 This is her home, Marie. 532 00:35:48,340 --> 00:35:50,380 She's just here while it blows over. 533 00:35:50,580 --> 00:35:53,940 What, sitting here fit as a fiddle, pretending to be poorly?! 534 00:35:53,975 --> 00:35:56,897 I'm telling you, the local press will be straight onto it. 535 00:35:56,932 --> 00:35:59,396 We've already had them knocking on the door day and night! 536 00:35:59,431 --> 00:36:01,905 - How do you think that feels? - I know how it feels. 537 00:36:01,940 --> 00:36:04,380 Well, you've only yourself to blame. You went after it. 538 00:36:04,415 --> 00:36:07,100 You had a fiance and a future here in Blackpool, 539 00:36:07,135 --> 00:36:09,380 but oh, no, you wanted more. 540 00:36:10,500 --> 00:36:12,700 - Just like your mother. - Marie... 541 00:36:12,735 --> 00:36:15,377 Can't you just be on my side for once? 542 00:36:15,412 --> 00:36:18,020 - We are on your side. - On your side?! 543 00:36:19,060 --> 00:36:22,225 I've been stuck to your side all your life. 544 00:36:22,260 --> 00:36:25,345 - Come on, Marie. - Don't come on Marie me, brother! 545 00:36:25,380 --> 00:36:29,620 You spoilt her. You stuffed her head with all that funny business. 546 00:36:29,655 --> 00:36:32,505 She doesn't know the sacrifices I made. 547 00:36:32,540 --> 00:36:35,500 I never had the chance to have a family of my own 548 00:36:35,535 --> 00:36:38,060 because I was always... saddled with her! 549 00:36:40,420 --> 00:36:44,140 And then we had a brief moment where it felt like... 550 00:36:44,175 --> 00:36:47,900 maybe, maybe it's worth it, but oh, no... 551 00:36:47,935 --> 00:36:50,105 Boom! 552 00:36:50,140 --> 00:36:52,180 She went and ruined everything. 553 00:36:55,420 --> 00:36:57,420 And where's my egg and dippies?! 554 00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:01,940 Harinder's a find. Haven't resorted to some White actor 555 00:37:01,975 --> 00:37:04,620 doing ridiculous caricatures. It's a small victory. 556 00:37:04,655 --> 00:37:06,660 It is a fucking huge victory. 557 00:37:06,695 --> 00:37:08,985 This is really good. 558 00:37:09,020 --> 00:37:11,705 Hey, who's that with Dennis? 559 00:37:11,740 --> 00:37:14,980 Hey, only the fucking Godfather of comedy! 560 00:37:15,015 --> 00:37:18,220 Meet Spike Milligan. 'Allo! 561 00:37:22,020 --> 00:37:26,140 Mr Milligan, what a tremendous honour it is to meet you. 562 00:37:27,220 --> 00:37:29,220 (IN INDIAN ACCENT) I have good journey, 563 00:37:29,255 --> 00:37:31,260 but I not have hearing problem. 564 00:37:33,340 --> 00:37:35,340 He'll be playing Guneet. 565 00:37:37,820 --> 00:37:40,665 Madam here can clear up the mess while we're at the doctor's. 566 00:37:40,700 --> 00:37:43,740 Oh, George, don't forget your muffler, or you'll catch your death. 567 00:37:43,775 --> 00:37:46,065 (AS MARIE) George, don't forget your muffler. 568 00:37:46,100 --> 00:37:49,580 - I heard that. - I wasn't doing you, Auntie Marie. 569 00:37:49,615 --> 00:37:52,100 I was doing... Aggie from number 22. 570 00:37:54,060 --> 00:37:56,620 - I wish I could come. - Well, you can't. They're still here. 571 00:37:56,655 --> 00:37:58,625 (SHOUTING FROM OUTSIDE) 572 00:37:58,660 --> 00:38:02,620 - See you later, Aggie. - See you later. 573 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,677 Excuse me! 574 00:38:04,712 --> 00:38:06,665 Excuse me. 575 00:38:06,700 --> 00:38:10,220 - George? - Can you let me through? George, George? What's happening? 576 00:38:10,255 --> 00:38:12,540 No idea where she is. Haven't you got homes to go to? 577 00:38:16,180 --> 00:38:18,460 MUSIC: # George Fornby - My Little Stick of Blackpool Rock 578 00:38:20,420 --> 00:38:23,700 ♪ Every year when summer comes round 579 00:38:23,735 --> 00:38:27,665 ♪ Off to the sea I go 580 00:38:27,700 --> 00:38:31,420 ♪ I don't care if I do spend a pound 581 00:38:31,455 --> 00:38:35,025 ♪ I'm rather rash, I know 582 00:38:35,060 --> 00:38:38,660 ♪ See me dressed like all the sports 583 00:38:38,695 --> 00:38:42,225 ♪ In my blazer and a pair of shorts 584 00:38:42,260 --> 00:38:46,260 ♪ With my little stick of Blackpool rock 585 00:38:46,295 --> 00:38:49,865 ♪ Along the promenade I stroll 586 00:38:49,900 --> 00:38:53,345 ♪ It may be sticky but I never complain 587 00:38:53,380 --> 00:38:57,060 ♪ It's nice to have a nibble at it now and again 588 00:38:57,095 --> 00:39:00,477 ♪ Every day, wherever I stray 589 00:39:00,512 --> 00:39:03,860 ♪ The kids all round me flock 590 00:39:05,140 --> 00:39:08,505 ♪ One afternoon the band conductor up on the stand... 591 00:39:08,540 --> 00:39:12,300 - - All right, Aggie. - George. - Come on in, I'll pop the kettle on. 592 00:39:12,335 --> 00:39:15,980 ♪ So I jumped in his place and then conducted the band 593 00:39:16,015 --> 00:39:18,940 ♪ With my little stick of Blackpool rock ♪ 594 00:39:20,540 --> 00:39:22,920 Joan's sleeping with Harold Pinter. 595 00:39:22,955 --> 00:39:25,265 Lucian Freud's had everyone else. 596 00:39:25,300 --> 00:39:27,340 It's quite the sophisticated thing to do. 597 00:39:27,375 --> 00:39:29,380 Well, then, consider me a Philistine. 598 00:39:30,740 --> 00:39:33,900 - I don't want an affair. - Are you sure about that? 599 00:39:35,180 --> 00:39:37,980 If you said now that you wished to leave Vernon, 600 00:39:38,015 --> 00:39:40,020 and stay married, I would honour that. 601 00:39:40,055 --> 00:39:42,025 Well, how gallant. 602 00:39:42,060 --> 00:39:44,385 I don't want a man who's with me out of duty. 603 00:39:44,420 --> 00:39:47,180 I want a man who can't live another day without me. 604 00:39:48,300 --> 00:39:50,265 You're a coward, Dennis. 605 00:39:50,300 --> 00:39:53,180 At least I've admitted how I feel, and acted on it. 606 00:39:57,260 --> 00:39:59,585 It's infra dig, I know. 607 00:39:59,620 --> 00:40:02,105 But I thought it best to keep you informed. 608 00:40:02,140 --> 00:40:06,500 I thought Ted and the press department had control of the story. 609 00:40:06,535 --> 00:40:10,860 To a degree. The wretched papers held back the photographs of the... 610 00:40:10,895 --> 00:40:12,865 liaison. 611 00:40:12,900 --> 00:40:16,380 But unfortunately, the scoundrels still want something in return. 612 00:40:17,460 --> 00:40:19,920 What? What do they want? 613 00:40:19,955 --> 00:40:22,345 Jim and Barbara reunited. 614 00:40:22,380 --> 00:40:26,780 Preferably with a large rock of ice on her finger. 615 00:40:26,815 --> 00:40:29,900 Jim and Barbara, or Sophie and Clive? 616 00:40:29,935 --> 00:40:31,905 Oh, thank you very much. 617 00:40:31,940 --> 00:40:34,980 Well, it's one and the same thing to them, really. 618 00:40:36,540 --> 00:40:39,300 Either way, they get an exclusive front-page scoop. 619 00:40:42,580 --> 00:40:45,260 Well, anyway, I don't think Sophie would even take me back. 620 00:40:45,295 --> 00:40:47,265 She was... She was pretty damn angry. 621 00:40:47,300 --> 00:40:50,280 The poor girl clearly still has feelings, and... 622 00:40:50,315 --> 00:40:53,260 What girl wouldn't want to be swept off her feet 623 00:40:53,295 --> 00:40:55,300 by Clive Richardson, hm? 624 00:40:57,500 --> 00:41:01,100 However, if you and Sophie WERE reunited as love's young dream, 625 00:41:01,135 --> 00:41:04,940 then Ted Sargent would undoubtedly recant. 626 00:41:08,860 --> 00:41:10,860 Look... 627 00:41:12,420 --> 00:41:15,500 - I know I messed up. - Oh, an indiscretion, dear boy. 628 00:41:15,535 --> 00:41:17,540 - We all have them. - BUT... 629 00:41:19,900 --> 00:41:22,780 ...if I am going to win her back, it's going to be genuine, 630 00:41:22,815 --> 00:41:24,820 and on my own terms. 631 00:41:26,700 --> 00:41:30,780 Not because I'm being coerced by some filthy tabloid. 632 00:41:34,740 --> 00:41:36,740 Thank you for the drink. 633 00:41:38,140 --> 00:41:40,140 You're very welcome. 634 00:41:43,300 --> 00:41:46,940 Can you get me a wider shot of Spike when he comes through the door? 635 00:41:46,975 --> 00:41:48,945 Shot 40, camera 2 next. 636 00:41:48,980 --> 00:41:51,340 (SPIKE IN INDIAN ACCENT) I'd like to use your facilities. 637 00:41:51,375 --> 00:41:53,380 (LAUGHTER) 638 00:41:56,540 --> 00:41:58,505 (TOILET FLUSHES) 639 00:41:58,540 --> 00:42:01,200 I wondered where I'd left my toothbrush. 640 00:42:01,235 --> 00:42:03,825 (LAUGHTER) Congratulations. Excellent show. 641 00:42:03,860 --> 00:42:08,020 Spike was absolutely terrific. Let's book him for the rest of the series. 642 00:42:08,055 --> 00:42:10,060 In addition to Sophie Straw? 643 00:42:10,095 --> 00:42:12,100 Sophie who? 644 00:42:14,220 --> 00:42:17,660 - We had an agreement. - The agreement was that I would consider. 645 00:42:21,300 --> 00:42:23,760 I can't help but think you have a rather 646 00:42:23,795 --> 00:42:26,220 over-inflated opinion of Miss Straw. 647 00:42:28,380 --> 00:42:32,140 It makes me wonder, Dennis, if your impulses are entirely professional. 648 00:42:38,300 --> 00:42:41,220 Somewhere, deep inside, 649 00:42:42,260 --> 00:42:46,740 the fact that Sophie is a beautiful and funny woman 650 00:42:46,775 --> 00:42:48,780 really offends you, doesn't it, Ted? 651 00:42:51,780 --> 00:42:54,300 I will accept your resignation with great sadness. 652 00:42:54,335 --> 00:42:56,305 I've already written the letter. 653 00:42:56,340 --> 00:42:58,420 MUSIC: # The Spencer Davis Group - Gimme Some Lovin' 654 00:43:12,340 --> 00:43:14,340 ♪ Hey 655 00:43:17,540 --> 00:43:20,700 ♪ My temperature's rising and my feet on the floor 656 00:43:20,735 --> 00:43:23,860 ♪ Crazy people knocking cos they wanted some more 657 00:43:23,895 --> 00:43:27,025 ♪ Let me in, baby, I don't know what you got 658 00:43:27,060 --> 00:43:30,260 ♪ But you'd better take it easy, this place is hot 659 00:43:30,295 --> 00:43:32,980 ♪ And I'm so glad we made it 660 00:43:34,580 --> 00:43:36,545 ♪ So glad we made it 661 00:43:36,580 --> 00:43:38,620 ♪ Why won't you gimme some lovin' 662 00:43:41,220 --> 00:43:43,185 ♪ Gimme some lovin'... ♪ 663 00:43:43,220 --> 00:43:48,020 So, Aggie, I hear you've been for a - big hike around the town. - Yes. 664 00:43:48,055 --> 00:43:50,025 You must be very tired. 665 00:43:50,060 --> 00:43:53,560 - How do you feel? - How do I feel? 666 00:43:53,595 --> 00:43:57,060 I put my hands out, and I go like this. 667 00:43:57,095 --> 00:43:59,500 Ah! Very good. 668 00:44:05,620 --> 00:44:07,620 Oh, God, sweetheart... 669 00:44:08,940 --> 00:44:10,940 You're born to do this, you know. 670 00:44:12,620 --> 00:44:14,740 Mr Mahindra says you're a natural, doesn't he? 671 00:44:18,580 --> 00:44:22,920 When we're doing the show, it's hard to explain, Dad, 672 00:44:22,955 --> 00:44:27,260 but... there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be. 673 00:44:27,295 --> 00:44:30,997 You'll get back there, Bubble. You'll find a way. 674 00:44:31,032 --> 00:44:34,646 ♪ My temperature rising and my feet on the floor 675 00:44:34,681 --> 00:44:38,260 ♪ Crazy people knocking cos they wanted some more 676 00:44:38,295 --> 00:44:41,305 ♪ Let me in, baby, I don't know what you got 677 00:44:41,340 --> 00:44:45,900 ♪ But you'd better take it easy, this place is hot 678 00:44:45,935 --> 00:44:50,460 ♪ And I'm so glad we made it, so glad we made it... 679 00:44:50,495 --> 00:44:52,465 Dennis? 680 00:44:52,500 --> 00:44:54,540 ♪.. gimme some lovin' 681 00:44:55,500 --> 00:44:57,500 ♪ Gimme some lovin'... 682 00:44:59,460 --> 00:45:01,460 What brings you to Blackpool? 683 00:45:03,740 --> 00:45:05,740 I've come to see a friend. 684 00:45:05,775 --> 00:45:07,745 You? 685 00:45:07,780 --> 00:45:11,340 Well, I mean, I've... I've been an absolute shag-wanking arsehole. 686 00:45:21,660 --> 00:45:25,340 ♪ Well, my head's all splinting and I'm floating to sound... 687 00:45:25,375 --> 00:45:27,380 (BELL RINGS) Do they ever give up? 688 00:45:27,415 --> 00:45:30,025 All right, yes! I'm here! 689 00:45:30,060 --> 00:45:32,900 Will you leave us alone if I give you a picture... 690 00:45:35,300 --> 00:45:37,300 Hello, Soph. 691 00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:39,940 Will you marry me? 692 00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:44,020 ♪.. so glad we made it, won't you gimme some lovin'? 693 00:45:46,060 --> 00:45:48,060 ♪ Gimme some lovin' 694 00:45:49,260 --> 00:45:52,300 ♪ Gimme some lovin' every day... 695 00:45:55,980 --> 00:45:57,980 Will you say yes, Sophie? 696 00:45:59,100 --> 00:46:01,100 Sophie, what are you going to do? 697 00:46:01,135 --> 00:46:03,140 ♪ Hey 698 00:46:04,340 --> 00:46:08,065 ♪ Well, I feel so good, everything is getting hot 699 00:46:08,100 --> 00:46:10,820 ♪ You better take some time off cos the place is on fire 700 00:46:10,855 --> 00:46:14,017 ♪ Better stop, baby, cos I have so much to do 701 00:46:14,052 --> 00:46:17,180 ♪ We made it baby, and it happened to you 702 00:46:17,215 --> 00:46:19,220 ♪ And I'm so glad we made it 703 00:46:21,500 --> 00:46:23,500 ♪ So glad we made it 704 00:46:25,180 --> 00:46:28,580 ♪ Gimme some lovin' every day... ♪ 53607

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