Original subtitles

It's Knight Time with your host... Jason Knight!

Keep up with me, boys. (APPLAUSE)

Please welcome the two young stars of Jim and Barbara,

it's Clive Richardson and Sophie Straw.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Someone's popular.

Clive, honey, let's be honest.

You've got what every man wants.

The career is going pretty well. I'm talking about Sophie.

(LAUGHS) What every man wants?

You make me sound like a Black and Decker power drill.

The accent is real. I think I'm in love.

Oh, well, join the queue, mate. Sophie, come on,

what's old Clive got that - I haven't? - Bigger car.

Bigger car. It's not the size that - counts. - I'll be the judge of that.

Oh.(LAUGHTER)

She's got it. She's got it. And I want to catch it.

♪ Something's got a hold on me, yeah

♪ Oh, it must be love

♪ Oh, something's got a hold on me right now, child

♪ Oh, it must be love

♪ Let me tell you now

♪ I've got a feeling, I feel so strange

♪ Everything about me seems to have changed

♪ Step by step, I got a brand new walk

♪ I even sound sweeter when I talk

♪ I said, oh ♪ Oh

♪ Oh ♪ Oh

♪ Oh, oh, yeah, it must be love...

- Alright, I've had enough. - You've had enough? Alright, she's had enough.

Oh!

♪ Oh, it must be love

♪ Something's got a hold of me right now

♪ Oh, it must be love

♪ Let me tell you now

♪ I've never felt like this before

♪ Something's got a hold on me that won't let go...

(JOURNALISTS WALLA)

♪ I feel so strange but it sure is good

♪ I said oh ♪ Oh

♪ Oh ♪ Oh

♪ Oh, hey, yeah

♪ Oh, it must be love ♪ Oh, it must be love...

(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Work was absolutely bloody. What's for supper?

Well, I thought you were - buying fish. - I thought you were.

- I was flat out. - Well, we were flat - out, too. I'm sorry. - Were you?

- Right. - Well, I know it seems like all we do is lark around.

It certainly looked that way when I saw you all in the club room.

Well, yeah, fair point.

That was very much larking around.

I felt rather left out.

I sometimes wonder if you should be with someone more fun,

more like, I don't know, Sophie Straw.

She's not available.

Wow. So now we know.

Well, that couldn't have come out anymore wrong.

I was just stating a fact.

It's in all the papers. Sophie's with Clive.

I thought you said she was bright. (CHUCKLES)

Now, you see, that's funny.

(FRENCH MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Well, as it happens I've been reading... (FRENCH WORD)

A joke, I know it.

It's a selection philosophical essays about comedy.

Yes, I've read it. It's hilarious.

Well, perhaps I could come along to the Pipe Smoke Studio

and see you in action. We're an arts and culture show.

(CLEARS THROAT) You're aware there won't be any laughs.

I'm cultured. Try me.

Who are you doing a profile of this week?

Solzhenitsyn. The ballet dancer?

Dennis, you're...

I'm joking. I'm well aware of Russia's most famous dissident.

Alright then, it's a date! I'll have a word with my boss,

though he's sometimes a bit funny about guests in the control room.

Burnham Whitfield being funny. This I have to see.

And I'm not a guest, I'm your husband.

Shall we just nip out for - fish and chips? - Might be best.

(CLANGING)

(GASPS)

(WHISPERS) Clive, wake up. - Hmm? - Your mum's here.

- What? - Your mum. Your mum's here.

- Your mum. - Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, quick, quick,

- - hide, hide. - Where? - In the cupboard. I'm fucking serious.

My mum will have a heart attack if she sees you.

(DOOR OPENS) Mother, what a lovely surprise.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I found your fusebox, mate.

You need a new circuit for your bracket valve.

Oh, right. Oh, how rude. Sophie, this is Gladis.

- Morning. - Whatcha.

She cleans on Tuesday and Fridays.

(LAUGHS) I'll leave you to it. Thank you, Gladis.

(BOTH LAUGH) I hate you. You knew and you didn't say.

Of course I did. Oh, and by the way, my mother grew up with the Mitfords.

She'd be shocked if I didn't have someone in bed.

Oh, no, no, no.

Gosh, is it wrong

that I find you rather attractive dressed like this?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, do the voice.

- You're weird. - Come on, do it, do the voice.

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Alright, mate. Oh.

I've come to check your sprockets.

Oh, sprockets, hey? (LAUGHS)

♪ At last

♪ My love has come along

♪ My lonely days are over...

Morning, Marjorie. You dirty stop-out.

(LAUGHS) Sausage sarnie alright?

Oh, doesn't he ever feed you?

Breakfast at Clive's is a bloody Mary with an egg in.

Mm. How very James Bond.(GAGS)

(CHUCKLES) Right, better get my skates on.

Got a union meeting first thing

and they're making us do a fire drill. They've set up muster points.

I said, "Muster point? What's the point, more like. "

If I heard a fire alarm going on, I'm not hanging about

waiting to burst into flames in an orderly fashion.

I'm squeezing me arse out the basement window.

Are you sure you don't want a ticket to see the show this week?

Why don't you take your dad? Put him up in a swanky hotel

like you always said you would. Maybe I will.

Introduce him to his future - son-in-law. - Give over.

Anyway, I'm really busy this week.

I've decided to spread my wings a bit.(SCOFFS)

What? I booked myself in for yoga class.

So you'll be spreading your wings and your bum cheeks.

What?(CHUCKLES) (BURPS) Oh, God.

Oh, Marjorie, that is disgusting.

You have no manners at all. (BURPS)

Ooh, that's a good one.

Alright, night.

(BURPS) (LAUGHS) I knew it was coming.

Life appears to be imitating art.

Well, it's good publicity for the show. The ratings are very buoyant.

Well, that's what maybe, but now we've got this Mary Whitehouse woman

breathing down our neck with her clean up TV manifesto.

Yes, but does anyone really take her seriously?

Just the 500,000 people who signed a petition.

Oh, allow me to read you her appraisal of our output.

"This organisation spreads the propaganda of dirt, promiscuity,

infidelity and drinking. " And apparently we are also responsible

for the moral collapse of the - country. - Well done, us.

The director general wants all our shows to rein it in.

Jim and Barbara is quite racy enough without out stars upping the ante

- off screen. - Yes, well I'm sure Jim and Barbara

having the odd off-screen cuddle won't bring down the network.

It's none of our business.

It will be your business if any reports of personal misconduct

go public. I am trusting you, keep an eye on your stars.

No cohabiting, and please, no more pictures in the press.

Does my wife need to buy a new hat?

I don't know, is she going somewhere chilly?

An engagement would be marvellous publicity.

You and Clive are as cute as two kitties in a basket.

You could be the next Peter Sellers and Britt Ekland, hey?

Brian, why do you have their photo on the wall?

You don't even represent them. Not yet.

Well, there won't be any engagements, Brian,

not unless you got a proposal there from young Prince Charles.

I hear he's quite partial to a bit - of comedy. - Nothing royal, darling,

but you do have a letter from your old school PE teacher, Miss Liney.

Oh, my God, Miss Liney? We used to call her Mussoliney.

She made us do cross country in our pants.

Oh, God, anyone can track you down when you're on TV.

Never mind the fan mail. - We have news. - Big news.

You have been-Thank you, Patsy.

Sorry.

You have been offered a plum role in a Carry On film.

(GASPS) An actual film, darling, in cinemas.

- Hollywood, here we come. - Oh, my God! I love the Carry On films.

My great friend Gerald Thomas, the director, reached out

to me personally. We start shooting as soon as we finish

the sitcom. Shall I do the honours?

OK, how about this? Jim's working from home and Barb's gone off

- to see her mum. - Somewhere up north, but Jim's being a bit cagey

- about his new secretary. - So Barbs jumps to conclusion it must be

because this new secretary is sex on a stick.

Yes, but just to flag, why would Barbara be worried?

I mean, forgive me, but we have an absolute bombshell

playing our leading character.

- What? - BOTH: Nothing, Dennis.

I didn't quite catch that, Dennis. Did you say "lead character"?

Leading female character, I meant. No, no, I don't think you did.

Ha-ha, I got you, didn't I? I'm only kidding.

I honestly couldn't care less. Can we finish telling you

- our fucking great idea? - So, Barbara's very worried and jealous.

So she beats a hasty retreat back to the flat.

To surprise Jim and maybe catch him in the act with his new secretary,

- so to speak. - Yes, go on chaps. I'm - with you. - But-No, let me guess.

She marches in and, oops a diddly dandy,

the new secretary is a fat Sunday school teacher

with a big hairy mole and three-inch specs?

Well, thank you for assuming we'd write something so deeply ordinary

and predicable, Clive. But no, Jim's new secretary is a man.

Are men secretaries? Secretary of State.

Private Secretary. Secretary - General. - No, no, but I mean

usual-take-dictation, Miss Jones, type secretary.

Of course men can be secretaries. The job doesn't actually require

- a vagina. - Yes, but sorry to be Sir Lawrence Logic,

but surely, at some point, Jim would say

the secretary's name and Barbara would twig it was a man.

BOTH: Not necessarily.

Good.

Good, just good.

INSTRUCTOR: And into the tree pose,

wave your branches in the breeze.

Beautiful.

Steady.

Clasping that right ankle,

pushing the foot back so we go to dancer pose.

Reaching forwards.

Lift the foot.(CRACKS) Fuck!

(WHISPERS) Sorry. Sorry.

Beautiful.

Don't do yourself a mischief before you've even gone in.

The mischief's already been done. I'm not sure if I've snapped

my hamstring or my knicker elastic.

(LAUGHS) you should have come in - with our lot. - What?

So what do you make in a women's workshop, then?

Trouble. (LAUGHS)

Going to the pub, Sal.

You wanna come? Oh, to...? Yeah.

Come on.

(DOOR OPENS) Oh, my God, what are you doing having a bath

at half past seven in the morning? We haven't got a shower.

Sorry, I'm desperate.

Oh.(URINATING)

Relief.

I must have about a gallon of lager in me.

I didn't think yoga types drank - beer. - I couldn't handle yoga.

- - I went to the pub. - Who with? - I met some girls at a women's workshop.

Yeah, nice bunch. Interesting. One of them's a plumber.

Blimey. Maybe she could take a look at your leaky pipes.

Haven't you finished yet? Stop looking.

You're making me nervous and making it worse.

(SIGHS) How come Clive hasn't asked you to move in, then?

Save you running back here every morning.

We haven't really discussed it,

and Dennis says that Ted Sargent wouldn't stand for it.

I suppose it'd mean we'd have to get married for real.

Why doesn't he just propose, then?

Everyone at work keeps asking. (SIGHS)

Tell everyone at work to keep their beaks out of my business.

God. You can't do anything these days without everyone watching us

or writing it up in the paper. We have to be really careful.

Well, you need to be careful you don't get stuck

with all these blokes telling you what to do with your life.

Last night, me and the girls were talking about poor old

- Cynthia Lennon. - Poor? I don't think - so. - She's got a baby with a Beatle

and she's still made to walk ten paces behind him,

so that he can look sexy and available.

Christ, you're a bit argy-bargy today, Maj.

What was in that beer? Was it a pint of courage?

No, as women we've gotta stand up for ourselves, Barb, you know.

Not put up with all of their pat...

er... patriarcal bullshit.

Diane Lewis. Today with Andrew O'Shea.

So, at this point do I know the secretary is in the kitchen?

No, no, he could be anywhere.

Bedroom, bathroom, hiding in a cupboard.

Oh, so could I be an electrician?

An electrician come to check his sprockets.

Yeah, yeah, alright.

- Alright. Hey, put this on. - Perfect.

We take it back to the entrance? - Oh, yes. - Very good.

So, obviously I, Jim, knows that it's Barbara

from the moment she comes in the - door. - Right, but you don't want her

- to know you know. - Why not?

Cos that's how we wrote it. It's a double bluff.

- You've got the upper hand. - OK. No, OK. Good, good. Thank you.

So, thanks for coming around.

It's Charlie, isn't it? Yes, sir.

My parents named me after Charlie Chaplin

on account of my moustache. (CHUCKLES) I can see.

It is very good, but it's not gonna work.

I mean, you have to play with that. Babies don't have moustaches.

Er... I was an unusually hairy baby.

Shaving at the age of three.

(LAUGHS)

Alright, very good. OK, so...

Well, Charlie, my old mucker, can I interest you in a cup of tea?

Oh, yeah, a cup of Rosie Lee would be lovely.

(SNORTS)

I'm sorry, Dennis, - blame her. - Sorry.

If it's no trouble, sir. Oh, no, no trouble at all.

My secretary's just put another pot on. Hilary,

- another cup of tea, please. - Bill, could you play Hilary for now?

Why can't I just...

Bill, I had a great idea. What if Hilary

was a touch light in the loafers.

I think that would be hilarious. Yeah, well we did actually imagine

that Hilary was homosexual, Clive, but not so we could-

- No, no. - Oh, come on, Dennis, not the dreaded green book.

Yes, handed to me by Ted Sargent. Sure he has a drawer full of them.

"Jokes about effeminacy in men are banned. "

Yep, right, but Hilary is not effeminate.

That's the whole point.

We are trying to present a homosexual character

that is not some fucking ridiculous parody.

Den, radio's more cutting edge than us.

Round the Horn has got two blokes speaking Polari.

- What's Polari? - You're the one that said that we should be

- pushing boundaries. - We do need to be pushing boundaries,

but I'm not convinced that throwing in a coded language

for the few that know it is the best way to give voice

to the community we're trying to represent.

Sophie, what would - Barbara think? - About?

About Jim's secretary liking men.

About men having sex with other men.

Crikey.

I don't know if I know any men who...

Well, there were rumours about our milkman.

But would it bother her?

Um...

Well, the show's about modern love, isn't it?

Would be boring if we were all the same.

Each to his own, I say.

Isn't she remarkable?(GIGGLES)

- - Hi. - Hi. - Sorry to butt in.

Can I grab Clive for a fitting?

There's a hilarious joke in there somewhere about butts and fitting.

I thought I might take us all out to the Opposition Club tonight.

- Oh, cool. - Only if you finish the script, of course.

Oh. Dennis.

Diane! What you doing here? Working.

Doing a piece for Nova Magazine?

Nova's over, baby.

You are looking at the new on-air reporter

for Today with Andrew O'Shea.

(SCREAMS)

You didn't tell me you were up for that!

- I didn't want to jinx it. - Wow.

How do you even audition for a show like that?

I had to present a piece to camera. Did you write it yourself?

Of course, I'm a journalist. - That's the job. - Oh, my.

Well, come on, let's have a drink.

I've got a bit of good news myself. What?

I've been offered a role in the next Carry On film!

(SCREAMS) Hey, great.

What? Have you not seen the Carry On - films? - Oh, I've seen them

and they're funny. It's the girls in them are always just a bit...

What?

Nubile nurse or frumpy old battle axe.

They're never the funny doctor or wacky scientist.

Oh, right.

Oh. Well, me and me dad liked them because

they're not just all posh people with fancy jobs

talking like her off Brief Encounter.

You know what, you're right.

And they probably written you something great.

What part are you playing?

A stripper called Tina Tittley.

♪ In the cool of the evening

♪ Everything is getting kinda groovy...

What exactly does Ted Sargent - mean by cohabiting? - Living in sin.

Well, what about if two people are living together, but not doing it?

I mean, is that a sin? Wait, how old are you?

Would Ted Sargent object to - that then? - Yeah.

How would he even know if Soph and Clive were doing it?

He's probably hiding in a bush outside Clive's place

with a pair of binoculars and his trousers round his ankles.

Can everyone shut up about my sleeping arrangements, please?

So, we're saying that Ted Sargent doesn't believe in sex

- before marriage? - Or during, by the looks of it.(LAUGHS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I think I've died and gone to comedy heaven.

Is that actual Peter Cook up there? And that's your cuddly Dudley

- right there. - Oh, my God! Do you know them?

He gave some of this lot their first job in radio.

Dennis, does that mean that you're part of the...

what's it called, the Oxfam Mafia?

- The Oxbridge Mafia. - Oh. Does that really exist?

It does if you're in it. Evening, ladies.

Dennis, always a pleasure.

Pleasure's all mine, Frankie.

Well it could be, if you only give it a go, dear.

Oh, Anthony, William. I'm ignoring you.

I'm sorry we don't have time to work for you anymore, Frankie.

I hope you will soon find another writer.

And I hope you'll soon get another cock up your arse.

Well, that's unlikely with that hairdo, dear.

He doesn't show up for deli boys - these days, Frankie. - What's that?

TONY: Just nothing. Just fuck off.

Clive's bought a round. Take a picture, someone.

Well, I just didn't want to wait for you to look old enough

to get served at the bar, Bill. Cooey, who's the dolly?

He's asking who's the pretty face? (GASPS) Oh, Mr Howard.

- I'm such a big fan. - Oh, nice to meet you, big fanny,

but I was talking about that one. No, he doesn't play cards either,

ducks. He's with the boney palone. This is Sophie Straw.

- They're the leads in our sitcom. - Oh, I don't watch other comedy, dear,

unless I'm nicking material.

Thief of bad gags, me. (LAUGHS)

Mr Howard, I've got a - question. - What is it?

How did you learn to be funny? Oh, you can't teach it, dear.

It takes years of failure, but if you've got it inside

it pops out like a

cartes and quongs from a Trade's kaffies in a cottage.

What does he mean?

Go on, Dennis dear.

Well, he says that...

if it's in you the comedy will pop out

like a gentleman's...

- Dick, dear. - Oh!

- Thank you, Frankie. - Polari.

ELEANOR: Darling, do you want to see my wedding dress?

I'm going to try it on. Hey, I thought it was supposed to be

unlucky to see the bride in her dress.(LAUGHS)

Silly, that only applies to the groom.

(LAUGHTER)

That's Eleanor Bron and that's John Fortune.

Yes, they're brilliant at - improvising. - You what?

Well, they basically make it up as they go along.

What, even the lass? Especially the lass.

(LAUGHTER)

(DIALOGUE CONTINUES)

For the best man. (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Yes, I know, you've been after me for years.

(LAUGHTER)

Morning.

You had a late one last night. Well, I promised the team

I'd take them out to the Opposition Club.

Hmm, we all know you're a man of your word.

I completely forgot. I had it in my diary for tonight.

You completely forgot or you had it in your diary for tonight?

Both. I think.

Sorry.

Vernon is beginning to think you don't exist.

Well, you can tell him I very much do exist.

Well, as it happens, my profile on Solzhenitsyn was postponed.

Great. I mean, that's a shame for you.

Was the whole show cancelled?

Actually, we brought forward a live interview with Tony Hancock.

Oh, he was fascinating about comedy.

You might have enjoyed it.

The Carry On people have been on the phone

and they are eager to confirm some dates.

So, if you would just sign on the dotted line.

I don't know if I want to do the film, Brian.

Patsy... Yes, darling? Would you arrange for me

- to have a hearing test, please. - You - heard me. - The script's hilarious.

Sophie Straw, what's got into you?

I just don't think I want everything to be about my knockers.

- Oh. - They don't make me do it on Jim and Barbara.

It'd be a step back. And last night

Dennis took us to a comedy club and I saw this girl in a double act

making up her own lines. - Eleanor something. - Eleanor Bron?

She's a completely different thing. She went to Cambridge,

- for God's sake. - All I know is that nobody was laughing at her bust.

Maybe I could make up my own lines.

Now, look here, young lady, you need to learn to walk before you can run.

Before you met me you didn't have a shilling for a cab.

Look, this will not last forever.

My advice to you is to make the best of what you've got

while you've got it cos God knows there soon be another young girl

coming up behind you, better, funnier, prettier and bigger.

And she'll be only too happy to fill your kinky boots.

Sophie Straw, come back here!

- She's gone completely mad. - Hmm.

Hilary always takes care of me while my wife's away.

Takes care of you, does she?

Yes, my secretary is very obliging.

- Obliging! - Hilary, where are we with that tea?

At which point, Hilary enters with the tea.

Oh, Den, how about when I twig it's a fella,

I give a little glance direct to camera?

Oh, sorry, Soph, I'm afraid that breaks the fourth wall.

Ah, darling, the fourth wall is an imaginary wall

and if we look into the cameras then we break it

and we establish we're in a television show, you see?

Frankie Howard does it, and Lucille Ball.

And that first time when I bumped into a camera,

I did it and it got a big laugh.

Yes, but is it the wrong sort of - laugh? - Is there a wrong

- sort of laugh? - Yeah, it was a good question. Bill, you might disagree

with me, but in my-I think we should give it a go.

I'll be the camera. BILL: I'll be Hilary.

- From? - So, go back to the first bit of ladder business.

Very good. Cup of tea. Hilary, where are we with that tea?

Here you are. I hope you like it strong.

Hilary, meet... my wife.

It takes all sorts to create a modern world.

Any good?

What do you think?

Sold.

♪ Everybody falls in love somehow...

Ah. ♪ Something in your kiss...

Edith, I'm so sorry.

- Peace offering? - Yes.

Thanks.

(SIGHS)

♪ There's no telling where may love appear...

Gosh, I can see why they call the show Pipe Smoke.

You haven't started smoking a meerschaum, have you?

I don't suppose you fancy coming to see the show tomorrow night?

Actually, feel free to say yes and then not turn up.

That would serve me right. Um... it's been a long day.

I'm going to run a bath.

London's took such a hit during the war

and it's coming up roses now though, isn't it?

Oh, now keep your money in your top pocket, George.

You can't trust anyone, even the kiddies.

It's a fun piece,

but I don't just want to do the fluffy stuff.

I did a piece on birth control for Nova Magazine.

OK.But I'll build up to that.

It's fine. I'll use my own.

ANDREW: And now, let's meet the newest addition to our team,

Diane Lewis. Welcome, Diane.

- Thank you, Andrew. - Why don't you tell us what you've been up to.

Well, Andrew, I have been out and about on Carnaby Street

looking at the latest gear for groovy chicks and guys.

These days it's quite hard to tell the difference.

Well there's a whole new scene they're calling Unisex Fashion.

I'm intrigued. Let's have a look at Diane in action.

You're just what this show needs, people are gonna love you.

This must be costing you a fortune.

Dad, just enjoy it while I've got it.

We did alright, didn't we, my love.

You and me.

Wait for me.

- Stone me. - What?

You look lovely, Aunty Mar.

Thank you.

I wouldn't want Clive to think we were provincial. (CHUCKLES)

Provincial. Perfection, more like.

Mr Parker.

- Clive, how are you? - May I?

Thank you.

It's right this way. Thank you very much.

I am safe in assuming that nobody here hates champagne?

(ALL LAUGH)

- Mario? - Oh, he's much funnier in real life, isn't he?

Well, try telling that to our - writers. - I didn't think you'd

do better than Aiden, but this one's a keeper. (LAUGHS)

You know, it is actually rude to whisper, girls.

Unless you're saying something - rather nice about me. - We are.

I think we require...

There's no prices - on the menu. - Oh, no, please,

I've taken care of it.

- - Oh. - Please. - Thank you.

But are you looking forward to seeing the show recording, hmm?

Well, I'm more worried about how we're going to get back to the hotel

- - afterwards. - Oh. - Oh, no, we'll get production to organise a car

from the after party, no? There's an after party?

Oh, Barb didn't say. It might be late, Marie.

On VE day I stayed up dancing until 4:30 in the morning, Clive.

(LAUGHS) So you are a tear away really.

Will there be famous people there?

Get to see a Beatle. I'd rather have Acker Bilk any day.

Right, well let's drink to that.

To Acker Bilk. ALL: To Acker Bilk.

(CHUCKLING)

No, no, we have to sleep.

Show day tomorrow.

I have to go home and change in about four hours.

Soph, Soph, Soph, I've actually been thinking.

It is crazy that you have to rush backwards and forwards every time,

so...

...Sophie Straw, would you do me the honour of moving in with me?

But... what about Ted Sargent?

Yes, so I don't think there's room for him, too.

No, what if he finds out?

I'll get in loads of trouble. We're consenting adults.

It's different for girls. Sophie, come on,

what could possibly go wrong?

Those brown sheets would have to go.

Feels like I'm sleeping in an oil slick.

Well, I guess we do know who's in charge here.

You are.(CHUCKLES)

You know that always gets me.

- Miss Straw. - How did you get in here?

- Can I have an autograph? - OK.

- Who shall I make it out to? - Sidney.

She even looks a bit like you.

Sidney Vast, reporter with the Sun Newspaper.

How does it feel to be the last to know?

♪ If you want

♪ Something to play with

♪ Go and find yourself a toy

♪ My time is too expensive

♪ Anyway, you're not a little boy

♪ But if you

♪ Baby, if you're serious

♪ Don't play with my heart

♪ You make me furious

♪ But if you want me

♪ If you want me to love you...

Hi. Tea.

You know, don't you?

I thought we were friends, - Polly. - We are.

I never would have done it if I thought you were exclusive.

- What you mean? - Clive said it was no big deal.

That you were both into the whole permissive society thing.

We didn't mean to hurt you.

(SOBBING)

♪ If you wanna play, boy

♪ Go and find yourself a toy... (KNOCK)

Soph, we've just got a couple of script changes.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

(SOBBING)

- - Hello. - Oh, hello. - Are you guests of - Sophie Straw? - Yes.

- Would you like to come with me? - Is this for the very important people?

Come with me, I'll get you - to the front. - Come along, George.

Excuse me.

Norris, at the top of the scene can you give me a deep two shot

when Barbara enters, please? Den, mate, we got a problem.

She won't answer us. We could hear her all teary in the dressing room.

Sounded like a wounded animal.

What wounded animal sound like a fully-grown woman

crying her eyes out? A panda, maybe.

Maybe, I don't know.

- Oh, hello. - Thank you.

Are these the important people seats?

You have a choice, you can stay in here and not do the show.

No, I am not not doing the show.

I can't do the show, Dennis.

Sophie, you love being in front of an audience. They love you.

Look, I know what you're trying to do, Dennis, but there is no way

I'm gonna stand in front of that audience and act like I'm in love

with Clive Richardson when right now

all I wanna do is wring his bastard neck!

You don't have to be in love with Clive.

You have to be in love with Jim.

When Lucille Ball found out that Desi Arnaz was

playing away, she fought back.

She became the first woman to run a major television studio.

Oh, yeah, cos I can do that with my wages.

Success is the sweetest revenge.

The point is, you can fight back...

...by going out there and being funny.

MAN: And Barbara isn't very happy about it.(LAUGHTER)

She's told Jim that she's away at her mother's

up north, but really "wink-wink," she's come around to spy on Jim,

who she thinks is having an affair with his secretary.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Anybody here been a secretary?

Oh, yes, madam, what is your short hand like?

Not as big as my long hand. Not as big as your long hand.

(LAUGHTER)

Now then, are we ready? AUDIENCE: Yeah!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

We're rolling in five, four...

(KNOCK)(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, thanks for coming. Charlie, isn't it?

That's right, sir. Named after Charlie Chaplin

- on account of my moustache. - I'm sorry, how does that work exactly?

I was an unusually hairy baby.

Shaving since the age of three. (LAUGHTER)

Well, Charlie, me old mucker, can I interest you in a cup of tea?

Oh, I could kill a cup of Rosie Lee would be lovely,

if it's no trouble. Oh, no trouble at all.

My secretary has - just made a pot. - Secretary, is it?

Hilary, another cup of tea, please.

- Hilary, is it? - Hmm.

Oh, yes, Hilary always takes care of me while my wife's away.

My secretary is very obliging.

Obliging. I bet she's been obliging you all over the place.

At work, in your office, or here at home.

On your snazzy flipping sofa.

(LAUGHTER)

(GROANS)

Hilary, where is that tea? Shot 62, camera 4.

Here we are. You like it strong?

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Umm, Hilary, meet my wife.

- Huh, whatcha? - Your wife?

Each to his own, I say.

Ha-ha-ha.

(GRUNTS)(LAUGHTER)

Oh! (LAUGHS) Well, Hilary,

it takes all sorts to make a modern world.

AUDIENCE: Aw! (WINK SOUND EFFECT)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Good work, studio. Right, well done, Den.

Well done.

Congratulations, darling.

I'm proud of you.

A bit near the knuckle for me, but it was very professional.

Well done, everyone. Excellent show.

Drinks in the club bar, everyone.

- She'll come and find us. - Yeah.

- What the hell was that? - Couldn't you just keep it in your trousers

- for once? - What are you talking - about? - Oh, you know damn well

what I'm on about. You and Polly. Me and Polly, oh, my, what?

Can the sound department please turn off the microphones?

Sound department, where are you? Don't make it worse,

you lying arsehole. I've seen photographs.

Is this part of the show? I don't know.

- It wasn't me. - I'd recognise that body part anywhere.

Did we ever say that we're actually exclusive?

It's the '60s. Everyone's - screwing around. - I'm not.

The only person I'm screwing is you.

You even asked me to move in with - you. - Yeah, and I meant it.

Then why are you such a... - Such a what? Go on. - Such a...

What, what? Go on, say it. Oh, dear God, please don't.

- Go on. - Such a lying, cheating cunt!

(ALL GASP)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Wow.

(GASPS)

♪ Magic moments

♪ When two hearts are caring

♪ Magic moments

♪ Memories we've been sharing

♪ I'll never forget the moment we kissed

♪ The night of the hay ride

♪ The way that we hugged to try to keep warm

♪ While taking a sleigh ride

♪ Magic moments

♪ Memories we've been sharing

♪ Magic moments

♪ When two hearts are caring

♪ Time can't erase

♪ The memory of

♪ These magic moments

♪ Filled with love ♪