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♪ MARTHA REEVES AND THE VANDELLAS:
Nowhere To Run ♪
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♪ Nowhere to run to, baby
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♪ Nowhere to hide
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♪ Got nowhere to run to, baby
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♪ Nowhere to hide
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♪ It's not love I'm a-running from
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♪ Just the heartbreak
I know will come...
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One moment, please.
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Hi, I'm Sophie Straw.
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I'm in The Jim and Barbara Show.
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Sophie Straw... Ah, yes.
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Would you like to go through?
Thank you.
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♪ Nowhere to run to, baby
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♪ Nowhere to hide
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♪ Got nowhere to run to, baby
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♪ Nowhere to hide...
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Hello!
♪ I know you're no good for me
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♪ But free of you I'll never be, no
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♪ Each night as I, as I sleep
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♪ Into my heart you creep
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♪ I wake up feeling sorry I met you
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♪ Hoping soon that I'll forget you
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♪ When I look in the mirror
to comb my hair
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♪ I see your face
just a-smiling there
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♪ Nowhere to run
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♪ Nowhere to hide from you, babe
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♪ Got nowhere to run to, baby
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♪ Nowhere to hide
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♪ I know you're no good for me
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♪ But you've become a part of me
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♪ Nowhere to run to, baby
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♪ Nowhere to hide
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♪ Got nowhere to run to, baby... ♪
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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
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MAN: Just got that Clive
Richardson on the wireless,
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The Awkward Squads.
WOMAN: He's very easy on the eye.
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The first time I ever felt nervous-
(ON RADIO) ".. hopeless, though.
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That Sophie Straw,
or whatever she calls herself. "
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"Oh, yeah?"
"I've heard she's rubbish. "
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Den!
Everything alright?
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".. in a summer show in Clacton. "
I've never even been to Clacton!
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"Don't know how she got the job,
she couldn't act for toffee!"
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(SLAMS SHUT)
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What if I mess it up?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
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Hi, Soph. We've got some
last-minute script changes.
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We've done a tiny rewrite - - on
the opening scene. - Right. - Right.
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So...
I can't learn all that!
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Oh, Den, is it too late to recast?
What?
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Oh, they're kidding, Sophie.
Jesus Christ, you two.
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This is her first time,
so just knock it off.
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Sorry, Soph.
We just wanted to say break a leg.
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Why?
Oh, oh, oh. No, no, no.
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No, no. Soph, it's just
actor speak for 'good luck'.
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Yeah, cos it's bad luck
to say 'good luck. '
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(GASPS)
Fuck, I just said 'good luck. '
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Oh! Oh!
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What if I mess it up?
Look, Sophie, darling.
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Even if you fluff a line,
I'll just make up a little joke
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about how it's your first
time, - ha-ha-ha. - Right.
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Everyone out of Sophie's
dressing room, right now.
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Er, not you, Sophie.
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Oh, Den...
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what if you've made a mistake?
What if I can't do it?
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I haven't made a mistake
and you can do it.
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And this is all just nerves.
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It's quite natural,
but you can use it.
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You can use the nerves
as a sort of fuel.
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I don't really know
what you're on about, Dennis.
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Once you're out there
in front of an audience,
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you'll be fine.
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Trust me.
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You're a natural.
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You're brilliant.
(SNORTS)
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You're Sophie Straw.
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(EXHALES)
Now, there is a...
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hair curler, still in your hair.
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Oh!
Yeah.
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Now, take a deep breath...
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(INHALES)
... and you're ready to go.
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(KNOCKING)
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It's showtime. Yes.
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You can breathe out.
(EXHALES)
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Ooh.
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(SIGHS)
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So, in this Comedy Playhouse,
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Jim works for the Foreign Office.
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Ooh!
(AUDIENCE OOHS)
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And Barbara is his
'cleaning lady from up north'.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
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(WARM UP CONTINUES FAINTLY)
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Ah!
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Oh, no!
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(KNOCKING)
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Just a minute!
We need you on set, Miss Straw.
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(WHIMPERS)
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So, after three... three! (LAUGHS)
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's wonderful, wonderful, yes.
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00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,160
So, now let's make that laugh
a little bit bigger if we can.
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Great pep talk Dennis,
She's not coming out now.
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(KNOCKS) Um, Sophie?
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Slight costume issue.
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What's happening?
A slight costume issue.
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Imagine... your mother-in-law...
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breaks wind at a wedding.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
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That's it, that's it, very good.
Well, now that we...
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(ON RADIO)
"Haven't got the cast yet, Bert. "
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"We need to knock back
the recording time. "
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WARM UP:.. get to know each other!
So, everybody...
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Seriously? Who the fuck does
she think she is, Shirley Bassey?
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Get Polly.
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Bollocks to it.
No! (SLAM)
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Well done, everybody, well done.
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Oh, I've got a man there
who's showing me how to wind wool.
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Oh, no, I think he's saying
'keep going, keep going. '
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Yes, apparently the cast must
still be in the bar (LAUGHS)
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
So...
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Shit! OK, we haven't
got another pair.
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I don't know why I've come on.
I'm not due for another week.
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Just performer's nerves.
Your cycle's out of sync.
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Oh, I've not used one of them before.
What? How old are you?
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My Auntie Marie disapproved.
Don't ask.
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Haven't you got a pad?
No.
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Just get those trousers off
- and shove it up. - Alright.
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Sophie, can I help at all?
BOTH: No!
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I thought this might happen.
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She hasn't had drama school
training. She's bottled it.
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(ON RADIO) "Um, so,
still not ready to record. "
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Agh!
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Where's the fucking talent?
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Ow, this thing hurts!
Don't ram it up your wee-hole.
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Right.
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If you don't come out
this instant, you little diva,
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I will kick the bloody door down.
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(GRUNTS)
(OBJECTS CRASHING)
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(SIGHS) Let's go do a show.
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Why is she wearing jeans?
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...maybe I should find out
where everybody's from.
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So, anyone from Outer London?
MAN: Yes!
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Oh, you, sir. Very good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
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Don't suppose you saw
the cast there, did you?
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(LAUGHTER)
I wonder where they are.
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00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,760
Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
they are back from their holidays.
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Let me introduce
Dennis Mahindra, the producer.
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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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What the fuck?
I'm so sorry.
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Well, hello, everyone. Um...
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Apologies for the slight delay.
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None of us could find
the 'on' switch for the cameras.
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(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Would you like to meet the cast?
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00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,525
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Very good.
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00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,405
So, playing Jim,
the political hotshot,
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is a man with a glittering career
on stage and screen,
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00:08:02,755 --> 00:08:04,365
the pinnacle of which is, of course,
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00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,640
playing Captain Smythe in
The Awkward Squad.(AUDIENCE OOHS)
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00:08:07,675 --> 00:08:09,685
I give you the one and only...
156
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:13,160
AUDIENCE: Clive Richardson!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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Who's in charge here?
AUDIENCE: You are!
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00:08:18,675 --> 00:08:20,680
Very good.
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00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,040
And playing Barbara,
the cleaner with a difference,
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introducing our
hugely talented newcomer,
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Miss Sophie Straw.
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(APPLAUSE)
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(WOLF WHISTLE)
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(LAUGHTER)
Hiya!
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Good luck. First positions.
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00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,725
Enjoy the show.
167
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:53,280
MAN: First positions, please.
MAN 2: Running camera two.
168
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:55,657
Hello, boys and girls.
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00:08:55,692 --> 00:08:57,986
Let's go for a take, then.
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00:08:58,021 --> 00:09:00,280
(PRODUCTION TEAM CHATTER)
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00:09:00,315 --> 00:09:02,285
And... Action!
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00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,325
Of course, Cicely, darling.
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00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,925
There is absolutely
no other woman in my life.
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00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,800
- - Jim? - Hmm? - Shall I
flick it on your knick-knacks?
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00:09:09,835 --> 00:09:12,417
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
Cicely, darling, please.
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00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,965
My boss and his wife
are on their way over here.
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00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,640
Now, I am due a promotion
and they're expecting to meet you.
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00:09:18,675 --> 00:09:21,040
And without you, Cicely, I...
(DISCONNECT TONE)
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Cicely?
180
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,700
(SIGHS)
181
00:09:26,735 --> 00:09:28,645
Oh, God!
182
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,800
What am I going to do?
183
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,720
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
184
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,880
WOMAN: Shot 62,
coming to camera three.
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00:09:37,915 --> 00:09:40,157
Alright, let's try this
one more time.
186
00:09:40,192 --> 00:09:42,365
Hello, I'm Cicely.
How lovely to meet you.
187
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,800
(HIGH-PITCHED, POSH) Hello,
I'm Cicely. How lovely to meet you.
188
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,377
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, no, no, no. I'm Cicely.
189
00:09:48,412 --> 00:09:50,920
Oh, so you're Cicely now?
Does that mean I'm Jim?
190
00:09:50,955 --> 00:09:52,525
I think that would be
a bit of a stretch.
191
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:55,040
What? No, no, no. No, no.
Can't I just be myself?
192
00:09:55,075 --> 00:09:57,485
No, absolutely not, no.
You're from Liverpool.
193
00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,480
- Blackpool.
- Well, either way, he's not going to understand a word you say.
194
00:10:00,515 --> 00:10:03,240
Look, perhaps it's better
if you don't actually speak at all.
195
00:10:03,275 --> 00:10:05,205
Er, just... just make noises.
196
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,165
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
No, not that one.
197
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,245
(SCREAMS DAFTLY)
Alright, alright, off you trot
198
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:11,520
to the kitchen to prepare -
the hors d'oeuvres. - The what?
199
00:10:11,555 --> 00:10:14,680
Hmm!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
200
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,565
(SQUEALING) Mm!
201
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:21,400
Ah! Here she is!
The hostess with the mostest.
202
00:10:21,435 --> 00:10:23,520
(SQUEALS POLITELY)
203
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,040
(HUMMING)
204
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,560
(KNOCKS CAMERA) Oh, shit!
I mean:
205
00:10:30,595 --> 00:10:32,800
(SQUEALS) shit!
(AUDIENCE GUFFAWS)
206
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,040
Right! First positions,
we'll have to go again.
207
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,205
Ah! (NERVOUS LAUGH)
208
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,400
He says... He says we have
to do it again. So sorry, everyone.
209
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:46,560
They should've splashed out
and got a proper actress, hoo-hoo.
210
00:10:46,595 --> 00:10:48,497
(LAUGHTER)
211
00:10:48,532 --> 00:10:50,365
(GIGGLING)
212
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,440
And tell Sophie Straw
not to hit the ruddy camera!
213
00:10:53,475 --> 00:10:54,845
(SIGHS)
214
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,980
(SQUEALS) Mm!
215
00:10:57,015 --> 00:10:59,045
Do tuck in, sir.
216
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,285
Is that it? I'm famished!
217
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,680
Oh, come on, sir.
That's very nearly a mouthful.
218
00:11:04,715 --> 00:11:06,685
(MILD LAUGHTER)
219
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,725
BILL: Fucking audience!
220
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,725
Wouldn't have hurt them
to laugh a bit more.
221
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,440
It's free, for fuck's sake.
Just took them some time to warm up.
222
00:11:14,475 --> 00:11:16,645
You'll tell us in a minute
they were laughing inside.
223
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,560
It didn't help that Sophie was
determined to bump into the camera.
224
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,440
Mm, they really laughed at that.
225
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:26,000
Where is Sophie?
Den, mate, what did Ted Sargent say?
226
00:11:26,035 --> 00:11:28,165
Well, he's not here.
227
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,920
He usually sticks his head in
if the show went well, so...
228
00:11:30,955 --> 00:11:33,800
That's it, then. We're fucked.
Ted Sargent hated it.
229
00:11:33,835 --> 00:11:35,805
Will you all just calm down?
230
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,880
He didn't give anything away at all.
231
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,680
Well done tonight. You were great.
232
00:11:42,715 --> 00:11:44,837
Even managed to upstage Clive.
233
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,960
Not deliberately. (CHUCKLES)
234
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,560
Thanks for saving me.
235
00:11:50,595 --> 00:11:52,405
Here.
236
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,400
Trust me, they are the future.
Thank you.
237
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,920
See ya.
238
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,485
Sophie!
239
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,605
Um, we're all in the bar.
240
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,460
I'm sorry, Dennis. I can't stay.
241
00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:12,280
Oh, well. Well done for tonight.
242
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,240
Did Ted Sargent like it?
243
00:12:15,275 --> 00:12:17,560
Bits of it.
244
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,440
Sophie, is everything alright?
245
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,445
My dad was rushed into hospital
last night and I...
246
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,880
Oh, my goodness... need to get the
last train home in case...
247
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,805
...well, in case.
248
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,040
Is there anything that I can do?
249
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,080
Don't worry about the show.
250
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,685
Safe journey. I'll...
251
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,760
let you know what happens.
252
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,985
Ooh!
253
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:14,700
She came then, did she,
her ladyship?
254
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:19,060
The girl who had better things to do
than rush to her father's deathbed?
255
00:13:19,095 --> 00:13:22,305
Deathbed? I've had a stroke.
256
00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:25,220
I've already told Dad
how sorry I am I couldn't come.
257
00:13:25,255 --> 00:13:27,757
You'd better have a good excuse.
258
00:13:27,792 --> 00:13:30,225
She's going to be on the telly.
259
00:13:30,260 --> 00:13:33,380
And I've got a ten-foot tail.
Auntie Marie...(SIGHS)
260
00:13:33,415 --> 00:13:35,985
I've been acting
in a TV Comedy Playhouse,
261
00:13:36,020 --> 00:13:38,660
and if I'd have come yesterday,
I'd have lost my chance.
262
00:13:38,695 --> 00:13:41,505
Is this one of
your tall stories, Barbara?
263
00:13:41,540 --> 00:13:45,380
Like when you told everyone your
mother had been abducted by aliens?
264
00:13:46,980 --> 00:13:48,980
You did the TV show, then?
265
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:53,105
And was it worth it?
266
00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:56,420
My dad's poorly,
so I'm just here to settle his bill.
267
00:13:57,580 --> 00:14:00,780
Tell Mr Parker it's on the house.
268
00:14:01,860 --> 00:14:03,985
Oh.
269
00:14:04,020 --> 00:14:06,060
Thank you.
270
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:10,020
We could have had it all,
you and me.
271
00:14:10,055 --> 00:14:12,625
We were golden.
272
00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:14,700
King and Queen of Blackpool.
273
00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:20,820
Right.
274
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:31,460
(RADIO PLAYS)
"Captain Smythe was played by... "
275
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:34,580
SOPHIE AND GEORGE: Clive Richardson!
276
00:14:34,615 --> 00:14:36,585
(BOTH LAUGH)
277
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:39,300
You two and your radio.
(TURNS RADIO OFF)
278
00:14:39,335 --> 00:14:41,945
Oh, Marie, put your feet up a minute.
279
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:45,625
I haven't got a minute. The whole
boarding house is in a state
280
00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:48,460
after that Scottish family left.
I swear they had rabbits with them.
281
00:14:48,495 --> 00:14:51,065
There were pellets
all over the floor.
282
00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:54,700
Can't believe our little Barbara's
going to be on the telly.
283
00:14:54,735 --> 00:14:56,985
(CHUCKLES)
284
00:14:57,020 --> 00:14:59,380
Here you are, Dad.
Do you want the blanket?
285
00:14:59,415 --> 00:15:02,580
Hmm? Yeah, go on, then. It's free.
286
00:15:02,615 --> 00:15:04,145
(CHUCKLES)
287
00:15:04,180 --> 00:15:07,140
Well, he seems much better.
288
00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:10,060
When do they expect him back at work?
289
00:15:10,095 --> 00:15:12,105
They don't.
290
00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:15,660
He won't be going back.
He's a liability.
291
00:15:15,695 --> 00:15:17,700
It's harsh, but there we are.
292
00:15:17,735 --> 00:15:19,980
Oh, Auntie Marie, no.
293
00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:24,340
I know you think this is all my -
fault. - Well, it's not been ideal,
294
00:15:24,375 --> 00:15:27,820
but he's not been right ever since
your mother broke his heart.
295
00:15:27,855 --> 00:15:29,305
(SIGHS)
296
00:15:29,340 --> 00:15:31,380
Oh, he gave us a terrible scare.
297
00:15:33,340 --> 00:15:35,660
Terr... (SOBS)
298
00:15:35,695 --> 00:15:37,945
Oh... come on.
299
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:40,740
I just don't know what to do.
(SNIFFLES)
300
00:15:40,775 --> 00:15:42,665
Him sick and you gone.
301
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:46,220
I'm at capacity with everything
and I can't split myself in two.
302
00:15:46,255 --> 00:15:49,380
It's alright, Auntie Marie.
(CRIES)
303
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,900
Have a sip of tea.
304
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:57,020
My little London adventure's over.
305
00:15:58,140 --> 00:16:00,140
I'm back now.
306
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:04,380
(SIGHS)
There you go.
307
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:10,225
Oh!
308
00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:13,100
You've put in too many leaves.
It tastes like soot!
309
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,940
Oh, Barbara.
310
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,625
Ooh, maybe not those flutes, Bill.
311
00:16:22,660 --> 00:16:25,900
Sorry. They're a bit of a family
- heirloom. - Wow, there's posh.
312
00:16:25,935 --> 00:16:27,740
The only thing
I ever inherited was acne.
313
00:16:27,775 --> 00:16:29,785
I hope you like the show, Edith.
314
00:16:29,820 --> 00:16:32,780
Well, a bit late if she doesn't.
The show's on TV in...
315
00:16:32,815 --> 00:16:34,105
oh, now.
316
00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:36,465
Why... Why wouldn't I like it?
317
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:39,860
Well, be honest, Edith.
Is comedy really your thing?
318
00:16:39,895 --> 00:16:42,345
Nonsense.
Edith has a great sense of humour.
319
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:44,820
What was it that really
made you giggle the other day?
320
00:16:44,855 --> 00:16:47,705
Oh, when you mispronounced the word
321
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,440
'embourgeoisement. ' (LAUGHS)
Easily done.
322
00:16:50,475 --> 00:16:53,140
(TV PLAYS)
Right, right, right, right. Shh.
323
00:16:55,020 --> 00:16:57,260
Ooh, is it starting?
324
00:17:02,780 --> 00:17:04,860
What?
325
00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:07,820
It's a special occasion.
326
00:17:07,855 --> 00:17:09,065
(LAUGHS)
327
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:12,060
(ON TV) "Cecily, darling, why?
I mean, what's wrong?"
328
00:17:12,095 --> 00:17:13,945
It's our Barbara!
Ooh!
329
00:17:13,980 --> 00:17:17,585
Oh, my God. My face looks
all mad wonky.(GROANS)
330
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:21,060
"Mmm?"Shall I flick it
on your knick-knacks?" (LAUGHTER)
331
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:25,620
"Er, just... just make noises. "
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)"No, not that one. "
332
00:17:25,655 --> 00:17:27,617
(SILLY NOISES)"Alright, alright. "
(LAUGHS)
333
00:17:27,652 --> 00:17:29,580
".. to prepare the hors d'oeuvres. "
"The what?"
334
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:32,985
"Is that it?"(LAUGHS)
"I'm famished!"
335
00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:36,625
"Oh, come on, sir.
That's very nearly a mouthful. "
336
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:39,540
Could've sworn I got a bigger laugh
- than that on the night, no? - Yes,
337
00:17:39,575 --> 00:17:42,437
but we had to use the second take,
the audience are always more muted.
338
00:17:42,472 --> 00:17:45,300
Could've nicked the laughter from
when Sophie bumped into the camera.
339
00:17:45,335 --> 00:17:48,145
Fuck off.
I don't need her laughter off-cuts.
340
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:51,340
"Oh, you must give me that recipe!"
(CHARACTERS LAUGH)
341
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:56,500
"It's so nice to see a young couple
so much in love. "
342
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:02,540
GEORGE: Hey, it's your name.
Well, your stage name.
343
00:18:02,575 --> 00:18:05,420
Oh! Well, that's very professional.
344
00:18:05,455 --> 00:18:07,025
Oh, very good, love.
345
00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:10,900
I wasn't sure about all the kissing
and cuddling at the end.
346
00:18:10,935 --> 00:18:13,740
They're not married,
are they, Jim and Barbara?
347
00:18:13,775 --> 00:18:16,780
That's the point. It's modern.
348
00:18:16,815 --> 00:18:18,665
Hmm.
349
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:22,020
Well, perhaps we should have
some of the proper stuff, then.
350
00:18:22,055 --> 00:18:24,780
Ooh, are we having - a
celebratory schooner? - Well.
351
00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:28,945
Well, we should make the most of it
352
00:18:28,980 --> 00:18:31,660
because it's probably just a one-off.
(LAUGHS)
353
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:35,380
Well, whatever happens, love...
354
00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:39,140
...you've made us ever so proud.
355
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,820
What do you think, Den?
Will Ted grant us a series?
356
00:18:44,855 --> 00:18:46,777
Well, I think
he'll wait for the, er...
357
00:18:46,812 --> 00:18:48,665
ratings and the reviews
to come in first.
358
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:51,620
Well, if he doesn't give us a show,
fuck him. His loss.
359
00:18:51,655 --> 00:18:54,540
I'm up for a huge part
in a film with Julie Christie.
360
00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:59,780
We're trying to do something
different here. Give us that chance.
361
00:18:59,815 --> 00:19:01,905
The Comedy Playhouse was that chance.
362
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:05,500
This is a television network and
not an experimental theatre group.
363
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,717
But Tony and Bill,
they're not just writing...
364
00:19:07,752 --> 00:19:09,865
a comedy about
an odd couple falling in love.
365
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:12,520
They're challenging expectations.
They're just challenging,
366
00:19:12,555 --> 00:19:15,067
according to the press.
The reviews are decidedly lukewarm.
367
00:19:15,102 --> 00:19:17,580
Yes, but the one thing
they all agree on is Sophie Straw.
368
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:18,785
Ah.
369
00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:21,740
'In an otherwise underwhelming
effort, etcetera, etcetera... 'Yes.
370
00:19:21,775 --> 00:19:24,785
'Newcomer, Sophie Straw,
is certainly the one to watch. '
371
00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:27,400
It would have been helpful if
she'd watched where she was going.
372
00:19:27,435 --> 00:19:30,187
First rule of live recording is
don't bump into the furniture,
373
00:19:30,222 --> 00:19:32,940
let alone the cameras.
Yes, but she scored a laugh off it.
374
00:19:32,975 --> 00:19:35,417
Most other actors would
have just crumbled.
375
00:19:35,452 --> 00:19:37,825
She's raw,
but she connects with the audience.
376
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:40,420
Well, she certainly seems
to have connected with you.
377
00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:43,985
She's a find.
378
00:19:44,020 --> 00:19:47,380
Let me direct it.
I know what this show can be.
379
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,660
(PHONE RINGS)
380
00:19:55,380 --> 00:19:58,100
Hello? 4758.
381
00:19:58,135 --> 00:20:00,140
Yes.
382
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,300
Oh, yes.
383
00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:05,740
On the mend, thank you, Mr Mahindra.
384
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:09,580
Yes, yes, just a minute.
385
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:17,940
Hello?
386
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,260
Yep.
387
00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:27,785
OK.
388
00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:29,860
I understand.
389
00:20:31,820 --> 00:20:33,820
Yeah.
390
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:37,500
Thanks for letting me know.
391
00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:48,420
Alright?
Mm-hm.
392
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:55,780
It's probably for the best, love.
You couldn't have done it anyway.
393
00:20:56,580 --> 00:20:58,425
Oh!
394
00:20:58,460 --> 00:21:00,820
I'm so sorry, love.
395
00:21:09,980 --> 00:21:11,980
Ted Sargent said yes.
396
00:21:14,220 --> 00:21:16,625
You what? He said yes?
397
00:21:16,660 --> 00:21:19,425
Oh, we've got your hospital
check-up next week.
398
00:21:19,460 --> 00:21:23,660
Maybe we should go for a walk on the
promenade if you get the all-clear...
399
00:21:23,695 --> 00:21:27,060
and we need some more potatoes,
yes. Erm.
400
00:21:27,095 --> 00:21:29,460
Erm.
401
00:21:31,380 --> 00:21:33,865
Listen,
402
00:21:33,900 --> 00:21:36,980
if you don't go to London
straight away and do that show...
403
00:21:38,140 --> 00:21:40,300
...I swear I'm gonna have
another stroke.
404
00:21:40,335 --> 00:21:42,225
But she's needed here.
Marie, no.
405
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:46,100
George, she can't just come
and go as she-Just shut it!
406
00:21:52,420 --> 00:21:54,780
Alright? Yeah.
407
00:21:57,380 --> 00:21:59,865
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh! (LAUGHTER)
408
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:02,820
What does a girl gotta do
to get a drink around here?
409
00:22:02,855 --> 00:22:05,225
(SHOUTS)
(LAUGHS)
410
00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:07,480
It's Sophie Straw - from
the television! - Hi, Dennis.
411
00:22:07,515 --> 00:22:09,700
Good to see you.
Christ, Den, pump her arm any harder,
412
00:22:09,735 --> 00:22:11,797
water will come out her mouth.
(LAUGHS)
413
00:22:11,832 --> 00:22:14,066
Yes, erm, sorry.
Ooh, come on, then.
414
00:22:14,101 --> 00:22:16,300
Tell me what's been happening. Well...
415
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,985
So, the good news is
416
00:22:19,020 --> 00:22:21,600
Ted wants the first show
on air in just over six weeks.
417
00:22:21,635 --> 00:22:24,180
And the bad news is...
Ted wants the first show on air
418
00:22:24,215 --> 00:22:26,225
in just over six weeks.
(LAUGHTER)
419
00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:29,280
But this is an opportunity for us
to do something original.
420
00:22:29,315 --> 00:22:32,265
- - Mmm. - Yes. - Yeah, we
pushed boundaries with the pilot,
421
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:36,100
and now we can talk about all the -
things we want to talk about. - Mmm.
422
00:22:36,135 --> 00:22:38,740
- Poverty and privilege.
- Oh, yes. Sexual revolution,
423
00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:41,185
gender inequality,
absolutely anything we want.
424
00:22:41,220 --> 00:22:44,220
Ooh, just the thought of it gives me
a bowel movement.(LAUGHTER)
425
00:22:44,255 --> 00:22:45,625
Ooh, I need that drink.
426
00:22:45,660 --> 00:22:47,900
- Ooh-hoo! - Yeah, you've
got some catching up to do.
427
00:22:47,935 --> 00:22:50,105
Get that down you.
No, these thugs don't know how
428
00:22:50,140 --> 00:22:53,580
to treat a lady, right? Why don't
I get you a nice little cocktail?
429
00:22:53,615 --> 00:22:56,505
Thanks, Clive.
(LAUGHTER)
430
00:22:56,540 --> 00:22:58,820
♪ ASTRUD GILBERTO:
Goodbye Sadness (Tristeza) ♪
431
00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:02,945
Oh! What?
Ooh!
432
00:23:02,980 --> 00:23:05,900
What's that?
That's a whiskey. (LAUGHS)
433
00:23:05,935 --> 00:23:07,780
Wow.
434
00:23:08,860 --> 00:23:11,700
(APPLAUSE AND SHOUTING)
Got it!
435
00:23:11,735 --> 00:23:14,220
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
436
00:23:15,340 --> 00:23:18,300
And not forgetting...
Quite right.
437
00:23:21,980 --> 00:23:24,220
(BELCHES)
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
438
00:23:25,860 --> 00:23:29,460
- My God, Soph!
- Disgusting! I've never seen anything like it!
439
00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:32,140
Could you keep the racket down,
please?!
440
00:23:32,175 --> 00:23:34,345
Ah.
Oh...
441
00:23:34,380 --> 00:23:37,025
I'm joking. Oh, my God!
Oh!
442
00:23:37,060 --> 00:23:39,940
(RELIEVED LAUGHTER) Yes, I
didn't even know you were here.
443
00:23:39,975 --> 00:23:42,420
Having a brainstorm
with my editorial team.
444
00:23:42,455 --> 00:23:44,625
MEN: Hello! Hello!
445
00:23:44,660 --> 00:23:47,940
Hi, I'm Sophie Straw.
Edith. Dennis' wife.
446
00:23:47,975 --> 00:23:50,260
Oh.
447
00:23:51,220 --> 00:23:53,340
Well, congratulations.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
448
00:23:53,375 --> 00:23:55,497
Thanks very much.
(GIGGLES)
449
00:23:55,532 --> 00:23:57,620
See you tonight, darling. Yes.
450
00:24:00,260 --> 00:24:03,580
BILL: Right, well,
I make it you owe me four whiskeys,
451
00:24:03,615 --> 00:24:06,300
two beers and a lady cocktail.
Yes. I remember.
452
00:24:06,335 --> 00:24:10,140
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, it's good to be back.
453
00:24:10,175 --> 00:24:12,145
Did you miss me?
454
00:24:12,180 --> 00:24:14,145
It said, 'Newcomer, Sophie Straw,
455
00:24:14,180 --> 00:24:16,420
who looks like a cross
between Brigitte Bardot
456
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,617
and the girl next door. '
Oh. (MIMICS DAFTLY)
457
00:24:18,652 --> 00:24:20,745
Well, your new best mate, Diane,
seems to think
458
00:24:20,780 --> 00:24:23,580
you're the next big thing.
Well, I didn't bring Diane back
459
00:24:23,615 --> 00:24:25,860
a stick of this, did I?
460
00:24:27,180 --> 00:24:29,145
Am I meant to bite it or suck it?
461
00:24:29,180 --> 00:24:32,380
Well, I'd say that's entirely down
to personal preference, Marjorie.
462
00:24:33,380 --> 00:24:35,420
Oh, come on, give us a hug.
463
00:24:35,455 --> 00:24:37,705
Ooh!
Get off me.
464
00:24:37,740 --> 00:24:40,260
The first episode's gotta
really set its stall out.
465
00:24:40,295 --> 00:24:42,780
Like Den says,
it needs to be original, edgy,
466
00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:45,260
politically challenging
and satirical.
467
00:24:45,295 --> 00:24:46,985
So,
468
00:24:47,020 --> 00:24:50,260
managed to write any
ground-breaking comedy yet?
469
00:24:50,295 --> 00:24:52,425
So far, Tony's come up
with a great one.
470
00:24:52,460 --> 00:24:55,860
Barbara and Jim are a couple.
You gotta admit it's good.
471
00:24:55,895 --> 00:24:57,620
Television awards all round.
472
00:24:57,655 --> 00:24:59,660
Here we are.
473
00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:02,980
We'd make a great couple, Den.
474
00:25:04,100 --> 00:25:06,100
Chin-chin.
475
00:25:08,460 --> 00:25:10,540
I wish Jim could be queer.
476
00:25:11,380 --> 00:25:13,340
That's a great set-up, right, Tone?
477
00:25:13,375 --> 00:25:15,697
The married homosexual.
478
00:25:15,732 --> 00:25:17,985
That's edgy and original.
479
00:25:18,020 --> 00:25:20,060
Yeah, and it would get us all fired
by Ted Sargent.
480
00:25:20,095 --> 00:25:22,500
Yeah, Tony's right.
It's a good idea, though.
481
00:25:22,535 --> 00:25:24,940
No, I don't think TV is quite ready.
482
00:25:25,780 --> 00:25:27,905
A Night with Val Doonican!
483
00:25:27,940 --> 00:25:31,480
(LAUGHING) Ooh, that old
Irish rocking chair fella
484
00:25:31,515 --> 00:25:35,020
wants to spend the night with me?
He's 36 years old.
485
00:25:35,055 --> 00:25:37,025
And don't flatter yourself.
486
00:25:37,060 --> 00:25:41,220
A Night with Val Doonican
is only the most successful
487
00:25:41,255 --> 00:25:44,545
TV light entertainment
variety show on air!
488
00:25:44,580 --> 00:25:47,540
(SQUEALS) And they want
you for a guest appearance.
489
00:25:47,575 --> 00:25:50,500
(LAUGHS) They've got
a wonderful idea for a sketch.
490
00:25:50,535 --> 00:25:53,037
Val doesn't understand
a word you're saying
491
00:25:53,072 --> 00:25:55,505
because you're Blackpudlian,
and (LAUGHS)
492
00:25:55,540 --> 00:25:58,880
you take the mickey out of him
because of his Irish brogue!
493
00:25:58,915 --> 00:26:02,220
(LAUGHS) So, basically, we're
just making fun of our accents?
494
00:26:02,255 --> 00:26:05,340
- Yeah.
- Bill and Tony would say that's a cheap laugh.
495
00:26:05,375 --> 00:26:08,700
Try telling that to Peter Sellers.
(CLEARS THROAT)
496
00:26:08,735 --> 00:26:11,905
Now, while those beatnik scribes
497
00:26:11,940 --> 00:26:14,900
pen you a series,
I shall single-handedly
498
00:26:14,935 --> 00:26:17,637
mastermind the next step.
499
00:26:17,672 --> 00:26:20,305
Well, here's a thought.
500
00:26:20,340 --> 00:26:23,265
We could confront an issue
that, you know,
501
00:26:23,300 --> 00:26:26,740
many people struggle with on their
wedding night but won't discuss.
502
00:26:26,775 --> 00:26:29,945
Constipation?
No, Tony. Sex.
503
00:26:29,980 --> 00:26:32,880
Isn't that what most people do as
soon as the wedding guests have gone?
504
00:26:32,915 --> 00:26:35,780
Cor blimey, Tiger. Revealing yourself
there a bit, aren't you, Den?
505
00:26:35,815 --> 00:26:39,180
What do you think, Tony?
Barbara and Jim are married
506
00:26:39,215 --> 00:26:42,780
but they haven't had sex.
Is that... realistic?
507
00:26:42,815 --> 00:26:45,265
Bill, mate.
Because, um...
508
00:26:45,300 --> 00:26:48,860
maybe one of them's got
a psychological problem.
509
00:26:48,895 --> 00:26:52,385
Ah, frigid wives
have been seen before, Bill.
510
00:26:52,420 --> 00:26:54,740
I don't think it's the wife
that's got the problem.
511
00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:59,945
Hm. Interesting. Start typing, Tony.
512
00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:03,380
Now, look here. I don't say this
to many of my girls,
513
00:27:03,415 --> 00:27:06,780
but there are times in a career
where the tide turns...
514
00:27:07,940 --> 00:27:11,460
...and pulls you inexorably
towards your destiny,
515
00:27:11,495 --> 00:27:13,820
towards stardom.
516
00:27:14,820 --> 00:27:17,185
It happened to me,
517
00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:20,940
and to Patsy too, although
obviously to a lesser extent,
518
00:27:20,975 --> 00:27:23,585
and now it's happening to you.
519
00:27:23,620 --> 00:27:27,120
So keep your sails trimmed,
your fingers crossed,
520
00:27:27,155 --> 00:27:30,620
and let's hope for green lights
all the way, hmm?
521
00:27:30,655 --> 00:27:32,385
(SQUEALS)
522
00:27:32,420 --> 00:27:34,260
Green lights!
Green lights.
523
00:27:34,295 --> 00:27:36,425
All the way! (LAUGHS)
524
00:27:36,460 --> 00:27:39,505
Oh, darling,
Diane Lewis called for you.
525
00:27:39,540 --> 00:27:42,180
She would love to do
another interview with you.
526
00:27:42,215 --> 00:27:44,105
Oh, well, I really like Diane,
527
00:27:44,140 --> 00:27:47,440
but I'm not sure I've got much
more to divulge to Cherry magazine.
528
00:27:47,475 --> 00:27:50,740
Oh, well, she's not with Cherry
anymore, darling, she's with Nova.
529
00:27:50,775 --> 00:27:53,140
They're billing it as
'a new kind of magazine
530
00:27:53,175 --> 00:27:55,425
for a new kind of woman. '
531
00:27:55,460 --> 00:27:57,860
What's wrong with
the old kind of woman?
532
00:27:58,780 --> 00:28:02,380
Well, anyway, Diane would love
to take you shopping later.(GASPS)
533
00:28:02,415 --> 00:28:05,477
Yes, just a relaxed, 'two girls
having fun in private' type thing.
534
00:28:05,512 --> 00:28:08,540
Well, with a photographer.(LAUGHS)
Oh, you can get a new dress
535
00:28:08,575 --> 00:28:11,100
for the Val Doonican!
Shall I let them know it's a yes?
536
00:28:11,135 --> 00:28:13,820
Patsy, get Val on the telephone now.
537
00:28:13,855 --> 00:28:16,740
Yes.
(SQUEALS)
538
00:28:19,180 --> 00:28:22,225
Wow. So, this is where
you used to work?
539
00:28:22,260 --> 00:28:24,500
This is where my mum
gets her girdles.(BOTH LAUGH)
540
00:28:24,535 --> 00:28:26,705
Marje!
541
00:28:26,740 --> 00:28:29,225
This is my flatmate, Marjorie.
542
00:28:29,260 --> 00:28:33,065
Marje, this is the photographer,
Ari, and Diane.
543
00:28:33,100 --> 00:28:35,740
It's so great to meet you, Marjorie.
I've heard loads about you.
544
00:28:35,775 --> 00:28:38,837
Likewise, yeah.
No, I... I won't shake your hand.
545
00:28:38,872 --> 00:28:41,900
No, no, it's just I've
had my mitts on feet all day
546
00:28:41,935 --> 00:28:44,780
so they smell like, erm, bum-hole.
547
00:28:44,815 --> 00:28:49,580
(LAUGHS) Let's go.
548
00:28:51,060 --> 00:28:53,020
Hiya. Alright?
549
00:28:53,055 --> 00:28:54,980
(CAMERA CLICKS)
550
00:28:57,460 --> 00:28:59,620
Hello? Excuse me.
551
00:28:59,655 --> 00:29:01,745
What's going on here?
552
00:29:01,780 --> 00:29:04,145
What are you all doing here?
553
00:29:04,180 --> 00:29:07,020
You've got work to go to.
(CLAPS HANDS) Shoo! Shoo!
554
00:29:14,740 --> 00:29:17,860
Madam, may I be of service...
555
00:29:17,895 --> 00:29:19,785
Miss Sykes!
556
00:29:19,820 --> 00:29:22,185
Long time, no see.
557
00:29:22,220 --> 00:29:25,700
I see you haven't shifted the badger.
(LAUGHS)
558
00:29:26,940 --> 00:29:28,620
How does it look?
559
00:29:32,140 --> 00:29:34,185
Absolutely perfect.
560
00:29:34,220 --> 00:29:36,820
(LAUGHS)
You dirty little show-off!
561
00:29:36,855 --> 00:29:39,060
Give it!
(GASPING)
562
00:29:39,095 --> 00:29:41,117
I mean it!
563
00:29:41,152 --> 00:29:43,105
Give it!
564
00:29:43,140 --> 00:29:45,225
Get it off your...
565
00:29:45,260 --> 00:29:47,260
What are you gonna do, fire me again?
566
00:29:47,295 --> 00:29:49,517
(GASPS) Oh!
(GIGGLING)
567
00:29:49,552 --> 00:29:51,726
Woo-hoo!
Security!
568
00:29:51,761 --> 00:29:53,865
Whee! (SCREAMING)
569
00:29:53,900 --> 00:29:55,900
♪ YMA SUMAC: Malambo No. 1 ♪
570
00:29:55,935 --> 00:29:58,037
(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING)
571
00:29:58,072 --> 00:30:00,140
(SHOP WORKERS GASP)
572
00:30:01,500 --> 00:30:03,620
Woo!
573
00:30:07,860 --> 00:30:10,340
What are you doing?!
(LAUGHS)
574
00:30:20,740 --> 00:30:22,745
(GIGGLING)
575
00:30:22,780 --> 00:30:25,420
(SECURITY GUARD SHOUTS)
576
00:30:28,380 --> 00:30:31,300
♪ JACQUELINE TAIEB: 7 Heure Du Mat ♪
(CAMERA CLICKS)
577
00:30:31,335 --> 00:30:34,220
So, what are you interviewing
women about now, then?
578
00:30:34,255 --> 00:30:36,745
Divorce, careers...
579
00:30:36,780 --> 00:30:38,985
orgasms.
(GASPS)(LAUGHS)
580
00:30:39,020 --> 00:30:41,220
Oh, crikey! Oh, that's a bit racy
581
00:30:41,255 --> 00:30:43,385
for an ordinary girl from Blackpool.
582
00:30:43,420 --> 00:30:46,260
If you were an ordinary girl
from Blackpool,
583
00:30:46,295 --> 00:30:48,020
you would still be there.
584
00:30:49,500 --> 00:30:52,020
What about this for the
Val Doonican Show tomorrow?(GASPS)
585
00:30:52,055 --> 00:30:55,060
Yes, great. Your nan would love it.
586
00:30:55,095 --> 00:30:58,740
Try... this, instead.
587
00:30:58,775 --> 00:31:00,865
Diane!
588
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:03,225
That's basically
just a bag of glitter.
589
00:31:03,260 --> 00:31:06,340
I wore more than that when I was
fan dancing at the Whiskey Cat Club.
590
00:31:06,375 --> 00:31:08,980
Go on. Dare you.
591
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:14,125
(APPLAUSE) Our next guest
has just wowed audiences
592
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:17,840
in a Comedy Playhouse
as beautiful Barbara from Blackpool.
593
00:31:17,875 --> 00:31:21,120
Please welcome the lovely
Miss Sophie Straw.
594
00:31:21,155 --> 00:31:23,080
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
595
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:34,560
Ta-da! (LAUGHS)
596
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,645
Ta-da!
597
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:41,640
That'd give me wind.
598
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:47,125
Sardines.
(LAUGHS)
599
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:49,645
I think they're just posh pilchards.
600
00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,800
I got them in a delicatessen.
Delica-what?
601
00:31:52,835 --> 00:31:56,560
New hair, posh pilchards,
602
00:31:56,595 --> 00:31:58,565
wine for tea?
603
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,640
Nah, you've changed.
(MOUTH FULL) You're right.
604
00:32:00,675 --> 00:32:03,405
I really have changed.
(LAUGHS)
605
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,720
".. Miss Sophie Straw. "
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
606
00:32:05,755 --> 00:32:07,160
Come on.
607
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:10,605
"Sophie, meet TV's Mr Magic. "
"Hello. "
608
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:12,565
"Pretty little thing you are. "
(AUDIENCE OOHS)
609
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,800
Oh, my effing God! Could you not
afford the other half of the dress?
610
00:32:15,835 --> 00:32:17,405
(LAUGHS)
"I may be a magician,"
611
00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:19,760
but it is gonna take
an absolute miracle
612
00:32:19,795 --> 00:32:22,045
to keep that dress in place.
Oh!(LAUGHTER)
613
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:24,600
Oh, I think we'll be fine
as long as I don't sneeze.
614
00:32:24,635 --> 00:32:27,120
(LAUGHTER) Does anyone have
any pepper? Pepper? Salt?
615
00:32:27,155 --> 00:32:29,840
"Oh, I think
you're salty enough, mate. "
616
00:32:29,875 --> 00:32:31,845
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
617
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:35,445
Guess what?
I'm interviewing Jacob Bronowski.
618
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:39,120
Vernon's been grilling me
all day on The Identity of Man.
619
00:32:39,155 --> 00:32:41,525
Right.
620
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:43,925
Sorry. Um...
621
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:46,760
It doesn't matter. Go back to your
dumb blonde on her variety show.
622
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:49,725
She's not dumb, actually.
623
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:52,380
And she's not blonde, actually.
624
00:32:52,415 --> 00:32:55,000
".. we have a special guest tonight!
625
00:32:55,035 --> 00:32:56,760
Roy Target and Chuffy. "
626
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,640
That was low. Sorry.
627
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:04,765
Well, it's not like you.
628
00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:07,220
It's not like me to feel threatened.
629
00:33:07,255 --> 00:33:09,640
(ON TV) "Oh!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
630
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,085
(GASPS) Fan mail!
631
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,920
I got actual fan mail?
632
00:33:17,955 --> 00:33:19,960
One letter.
633
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:24,000
When I represented Diana Dors...
634
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:28,280
...she got two huge sacks every day.
635
00:33:28,315 --> 00:33:30,637
Mmm. Crikey.
On which note,
636
00:33:30,672 --> 00:33:32,925
Mr Magic telephoned, darling.
637
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:36,320
He was very impressed with you
on the Val Doonican Show.
638
00:33:36,355 --> 00:33:38,737
He made an impression on me.
639
00:33:38,772 --> 00:33:41,085
His breath smelled of eggnog.
640
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:43,760
Oh, well, he would love
to take you out.
641
00:33:43,795 --> 00:33:46,685
Hmm!
Oh! No.
642
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,605
Alright... we'll politely decline.
643
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,680
I'm sure there's another
young starlet who's...
644
00:33:52,715 --> 00:33:55,720
very happy to be dragged
to the Vaults of St James.
645
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:59,800
I hear it's the grooviest
nightclub around.
646
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:02,565
Maybe I'll check my diary.
647
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:05,280
♪ THE CREATION: Making Time ♪
648
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:10,440
♪ Making time
649
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:14,000
♪ Shooting lines... ♪
Put your sunglasses on,
650
00:34:14,035 --> 00:34:17,120
because you are about to be blinded.
651
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,160
Evening, boys, snap away.
652
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,000
Hm?
653
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:27,120
Sorry, sir, you're not on the list.
654
00:34:27,155 --> 00:34:29,725
(LAUGHS) I am...
655
00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:32,045
Mr Magic.
Still not on the list.
656
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:34,000
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, that normally works.
657
00:34:34,035 --> 00:34:35,920
PHOTOGRAPHERS: Johnny! Johnny!
658
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:41,645
Oh, my God, Sophie!
Diane! (LAUGHS)
659
00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:44,400
I don't know what this list is,
but we're not on it.
660
00:34:44,435 --> 00:34:46,480
Ron, darling, they're with me.
661
00:34:46,515 --> 00:34:49,120
Yes, ma'am.
(LAUGHS)
662
00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,005
Hm.
663
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:54,080
(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
664
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:58,880
May I have the honour?
665
00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:15,120
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
666
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:26,320
Of course, it was me who invented
the disappearing bra trick.
667
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:30,565
I whip off the brassiere
using only my...
668
00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:33,680
telekinetic powers.
Would you like a demonstration?
669
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:36,840
If you're wearing one.
670
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:41,160
Hiya.
Who's that?
671
00:35:41,195 --> 00:35:43,645
Um, Johnny.
672
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:46,320
He's totally off his chump,
but he wants to say hello.
673
00:35:46,355 --> 00:35:48,645
Oh, right.
674
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,925
Hello!
Oh! Ha!
675
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:52,960
It's alright, allow me.
676
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,080
Huh? Hmm?
677
00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:00,080
Lots of them.
Oh! Goodness.
678
00:36:00,115 --> 00:36:02,685
Hey, babe.
679
00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:05,900
We've met before, right?
I don't think so, babe.
680
00:36:05,935 --> 00:36:09,045
I checked you out
grooving with your grandad.
681
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:12,280
What did he say? What, what -
did you say? - That you're groovy.
682
00:36:12,315 --> 00:36:14,485
Right. Is that a good thing?
Yes.
683
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:18,120
Yes, it's a good thing. Thank you.
That's TV's Mr Magic, that is.
684
00:36:18,155 --> 00:36:19,725
Oh!
685
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,840
Well, he should magically make
himself disappear, shouldn't he?
686
00:36:22,875 --> 00:36:25,457
Back to 1952.
If you'd pick a card...
687
00:36:25,492 --> 00:36:28,005
Hey. We're all heading to a party.
688
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,520
You should ditch him
and come with me.
689
00:36:30,555 --> 00:36:32,525
Er, it's past my bedtime.
690
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,405
I've got something
that will keep you up.
691
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:37,280
Now, don't tell me the card,
I shall shield my eyes...
692
00:36:37,315 --> 00:36:39,040
Sniff it.
693
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:44,200
(COUGHS) Oh, no!
(LAUGHS)
694
00:36:44,235 --> 00:36:46,125
Sorry!
Fuckin' hell!
695
00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:48,920
What the fuck are you doing?!
Come on, come on, let's split!
696
00:36:48,955 --> 00:36:50,960
Come on!
(GIGGLES)
697
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:54,000
And as if by...
698
00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:02,920
Show us your magic wand, then.
699
00:37:02,955 --> 00:37:05,565
Fuck off!
700
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:08,960
Come on, let's get on 'em. (LAUGHS)
701
00:37:08,995 --> 00:37:11,080
(BOTH SCREAM AND LAUGH)
702
00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:14,800
(SLAM)
That's pretty good.
703
00:37:14,835 --> 00:37:16,805
I'd buy that.
704
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:20,000
Sorry I'm late.
I got my stiletto stuck in a manhole.
705
00:37:20,035 --> 00:37:21,925
She never disappoints.
706
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,440
Congrats on the Doonican show!
(APPLAUSE)
707
00:37:24,475 --> 00:37:26,845
Well done, Soph.
Ooh!
708
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,485
Hello, Sophie.
Hi, Dennis.
709
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:32,285
(SNIFFS)
BILL: What the fuck, Clive?
710
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:34,380
Oh, you never heard of
the classic script sniff?
711
00:37:34,415 --> 00:37:36,440
I heard Hancock used
to do it to grade how funny
712
00:37:36,475 --> 00:37:38,525
a script smelt out of ten.
713
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:41,200
Ooh, you smell funny.
Oh, get off!
714
00:37:41,235 --> 00:37:42,925
This is Brut by Faberge.
715
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,940
More like Shit by Toilet Spray.
(LAUGHS)
716
00:37:45,975 --> 00:37:48,885
(SNIFFS)
Well, I think you smell nice.
717
00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:51,565
BILL AND TONY: Oooh!
Are you literally five years old?
718
00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:54,600
Yes, it'll soon be their nap time.
Why don't we get it on its feet?
719
00:37:54,635 --> 00:37:56,640
So...
720
00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:00,040
...episode one, Trouble Down Below.
721
00:38:00,075 --> 00:38:02,437
♪ DUANE EDDY: Rebel Rouser ♪
722
00:38:02,472 --> 00:38:04,636
OK, so back. Let's get the feel...
723
00:38:04,671 --> 00:38:06,765
(BANG)
Oh! And I bash me head.
724
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:09,000
Could do a little, er...
has to be dramatic.
725
00:38:09,035 --> 00:38:11,240
Can't see your face.
726
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,320
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
727
00:38:15,355 --> 00:38:17,240
Oh!
Very good.
728
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:21,845
Hooray!
Oh!
729
00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,320
(SQUEALS)
(APPLAUSE)
730
00:38:24,355 --> 00:38:26,760
(LAUGHTER)
Very good.
731
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:31,520
So then, finally, Barbara
and Jim are actually in the bed,
732
00:38:31,555 --> 00:38:33,760
and then you emerge from the covers.
733
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:38,525
'Limp as a noodle'?
734
00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:41,520
Does that mean we're s-Sorry, are we
actually saying that I'm impotent?
735
00:38:41,555 --> 00:38:43,685
Well, we're implying that-
Er, err!
736
00:38:43,720 --> 00:38:46,560
Barbara is sexually experienced,
yeah.(SIGHS)
737
00:38:46,595 --> 00:38:49,365
Sorry, Soph, is that a problem?
Bloody hell!
738
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:52,860
My dad and Auntie Marie
and the neighbours will be watching.
739
00:38:52,895 --> 00:38:55,947
Well, you explain to your family
that the show isn't real.
740
00:38:55,982 --> 00:38:58,951
Well, I don't think they've quite
got the hang of it because,
741
00:38:58,986 --> 00:39:02,033
you know, Barbara is from Blackpool
and I'm from Blackpool,
742
00:39:02,068 --> 00:39:05,080
and she's called Barbara,
and I'm called Barbara... (LAUGHS)
743
00:39:05,115 --> 00:39:07,400
It's confusing.
744
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:10,960
It is... You're called Barbara?
745
00:39:10,995 --> 00:39:13,405
Well, I used to be.
746
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:15,485
What? When?
What? When?
747
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:20,160
Er... until the day you met me.
(LAUGHS) Why didn't you say anything
748
00:39:20,195 --> 00:39:22,485
when we called
your character Barbara?
749
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:25,760
I didn't know I was allowed to,
and you-Excuse me.
750
00:39:25,795 --> 00:39:28,240
Sorry, darling, sorry.
Can we just park that
751
00:39:28,275 --> 00:39:29,925
and talk about me just for a second.
752
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:33,420
Are we actually saying
that I can't get it up?
753
00:39:33,455 --> 00:39:36,407
Uh, wait, now you're doing it.
Jim's not real.
754
00:39:36,442 --> 00:39:39,325
Yes, we are saying
that Jim can't get it up.
755
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:43,000
(SCOFFS) Have I ever got it up?
Not in our comic universe, no.
756
00:39:43,035 --> 00:39:45,600
OK. So, we're basically
saying I'm a virgin?
757
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:51,445
I mean, people won't buy it.
758
00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:54,340
I mean, look at me. Hello.
Fuck me!
759
00:39:54,375 --> 00:39:57,165
That should be on your gravestone.
760
00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:59,880
"Clive Richardson, too good-looking
to be a virgin. "(CHUCKLES)
761
00:39:59,915 --> 00:40:02,565
Your character has
a psychological block.
762
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:05,520
I could probably sue you for this.
I mean, slander, libel.
763
00:40:05,555 --> 00:40:07,525
There must be something.
I'd go to trial every day
764
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:10,160
if that went to court.
We're just trying to make it real
765
00:40:10,195 --> 00:40:12,760
for the audience. Lots of
couples have problems.(SCOFFS)
766
00:40:12,795 --> 00:40:16,045
Well, I don't.
You're not you, you're Jim.
767
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:19,540
(GASPS) Maybe Barbara could be upset
and think it's her fault.
768
00:40:19,575 --> 00:40:23,000
No, actually, that is a lot more
realistic. Thank you, darling,
769
00:40:23,035 --> 00:40:25,657
thank you.
No, no, why should it be her fault?
770
00:40:25,692 --> 00:40:28,245
She's not responsible
for your hydraulic failure.
771
00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:31,320
Christ! So that's actually what
hydraulic failure actually means.
772
00:40:31,355 --> 00:40:33,600
That he's actually got
something wrong with his knob.
773
00:40:33,635 --> 00:40:36,285
With his head. It's psychological.
I like it.
774
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,480
I think it's modern.
Well, of course you fucking do.
775
00:40:38,515 --> 00:40:40,920
You're not the one
with erectile dysfunction.
776
00:40:40,955 --> 00:40:43,365
I like that Jim's upset.
777
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:45,920
Shows he's not afraid
to show his emotional side.
778
00:40:45,955 --> 00:40:47,800
I think that's...
779
00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:51,180
...sexy in a fella.
780
00:40:51,215 --> 00:40:53,600
(LAUGHS)
Is it?
781
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,805
(SIGHS) Anyway, look,
what happens next, though?
782
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:01,280
I mean, he can't just stay limp.
What's the solution, chaps?
783
00:41:01,315 --> 00:41:03,920
With my ex, it was a bag of chips
and a pickled egg.
784
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:07,565
Oh...
785
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,605
Well, alright,
we'll work on it. Erm...
786
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,120
You two go and have lunch
on the production.
787
00:41:13,155 --> 00:41:15,880
Tony and Bill,
back to the typewriter.
788
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:18,685
May I, darling?
789
00:41:18,720 --> 00:41:22,400
Yes, you may. (LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
790
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,120
BILL: Pickled gherkins?
Got two Ks in it.
791
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:28,805
(LAUGHS)
792
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:31,600
I've heard about this place. (GASPS)
793
00:41:31,635 --> 00:41:33,725
Doesn't Mick Jagger come here?
794
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:36,005
Maybe. You know,
I hadn't noticed, actually.
795
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:38,840
I can't believe they just
let us walk straight in.
796
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:41,725
Thank you. (LAUGHS)
797
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:44,125
When I went to that club
with Mr Magic,
798
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:47,520
they weren't interested,
and he's a really well-known face.
799
00:41:47,555 --> 00:41:50,240
Ah, well-known farce, more like.
(CHUCKLES)
800
00:41:50,275 --> 00:41:52,400
And, um... Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
801
00:41:52,435 --> 00:41:54,485
Frankly,
802
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:57,040
well, he's no Clive Richardson.
803
00:41:57,075 --> 00:41:59,560
(SNORTS)
(LAUGHS) I'm only joking.
804
00:41:59,595 --> 00:42:01,245
Ah.
805
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:03,285
Don't look, but over there,
806
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:06,160
it's Terence Stamp and The Shrimp.
807
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:12,020
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
808
00:42:12,055 --> 00:42:14,360
She is gorgeous.
809
00:42:16,540 --> 00:42:19,820
Well, you didn't exactly do badly
when God was handing out looks.
810
00:42:19,855 --> 00:42:21,917
(LAUGHS) Er...
811
00:42:21,952 --> 00:42:23,980
Well, nor did you.
812
00:42:25,460 --> 00:42:29,185
Erm... So...
(CLEARS THROAT)
813
00:42:29,220 --> 00:42:31,705
We're all just
looking at that sunrise,
814
00:42:31,740 --> 00:42:34,420
and then the boat rocked,
which is impressive given...
815
00:42:34,455 --> 00:42:38,580
Let us toast
the beautiful TV lovebirds.
816
00:42:38,615 --> 00:42:41,020
Oh, thank you, Mario.
Thank you.
817
00:42:41,055 --> 00:42:43,025
Cheers, darling.
818
00:42:43,060 --> 00:42:45,460
(CLINK)
Down the hatch.(LAUGHS)
819
00:42:47,140 --> 00:42:50,020
(CLEARS THROAT) Delicious.
820
00:42:52,780 --> 00:42:56,220
Everybody seems to be
staring at us, Sophie Straw.
821
00:42:58,260 --> 00:43:00,980
How about we give them
something to talk about, hey?
822
00:43:01,015 --> 00:43:03,020
Follow my lead... (CLEARS THROAT)
823
00:43:09,260 --> 00:43:11,260
(KISSES)
824
00:43:12,260 --> 00:43:14,260
(WOMAN GASPS)
825
00:43:22,420 --> 00:43:24,460
You know, Sophie...
826
00:43:26,340 --> 00:43:28,740
...I have never met anyone like you.
827
00:43:29,700 --> 00:43:31,465
What, Northern?
828
00:43:31,500 --> 00:43:34,260
♪ MICKEY AND SYLVIA:
Love Is Strange ♪
829
00:43:39,500 --> 00:43:41,100
(DOOR SLAMS)
(GIGGLES)
830
00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:44,105
Mmm...
831
00:43:44,140 --> 00:43:46,900
Who's in charge here?
Mm, you are.
832
00:43:46,935 --> 00:43:48,660
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh!
833
00:43:50,580 --> 00:43:52,780
♪ Love is strange...
834
00:43:55,860 --> 00:43:57,865
No complaints, I hope?
835
00:43:57,900 --> 00:44:00,060
No danger of confusing Clive with
836
00:44:00,095 --> 00:44:02,220
poor old Jim and his limp noodle?
837
00:44:02,255 --> 00:44:04,300
Oh gosh, no. (LAUGHS)
838
00:44:05,780 --> 00:44:07,820
What do you think
the others will say?
839
00:44:08,900 --> 00:44:11,900
Well, I don't think they need
to know about this, do they?
840
00:44:11,935 --> 00:44:16,060
Dennis takes a rather dim view
of cast liaisons.
841
00:44:16,095 --> 00:44:17,945
What do you mean?
842
00:44:17,980 --> 00:44:20,500
Oh, no, it's just, you know,
something I heard.
843
00:44:21,660 --> 00:44:24,580
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
♪ Love is strange... ♪
844
00:44:26,060 --> 00:44:28,905
(TRAIN HONKS)
845
00:44:28,940 --> 00:44:31,220
(PANTING AND MOANING)
846
00:44:31,255 --> 00:44:33,260
(CLOCK CUCKOOS)
847
00:44:34,540 --> 00:44:37,140
(CLOCK CHIMES) (TRAIN HONKS)
(GASPS)
848
00:44:37,175 --> 00:44:40,585
Oh, Jim! Oh, my goodness!
849
00:44:40,620 --> 00:44:43,060
I think I preferred you
with hydraulic failure.(CHUCKLES)
850
00:44:43,095 --> 00:44:45,740
I can't keep it up.
Oh, I can.
851
00:44:45,775 --> 00:44:48,380
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
852
00:44:50,180 --> 00:44:52,060
(AUDIENCE OOHS)
853
00:44:56,180 --> 00:44:58,145
Is it my imagination?
854
00:44:58,180 --> 00:45:01,180
The chemistry is
particularly good tonight.
855
00:45:10,980 --> 00:45:12,945
They've fucked!
856
00:45:12,980 --> 00:45:15,340
♪ FRANK WILSON:
Do I Love You (Indeed I Do) ♪
857
00:45:19,620 --> 00:45:21,225
♪ Here I am on bended knees
858
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:23,380
♪ I lay my heart down at your feet
859
00:45:23,415 --> 00:45:25,980
♪ Now do I love you?
860
00:45:27,060 --> 00:45:30,500
♪ All you have to do is ask
I'll give until there's nothing left
861
00:45:30,535 --> 00:45:33,140
♪ Now do I love you?
862
00:45:34,060 --> 00:45:36,060
♪ As long as there is life in me
863
00:45:36,095 --> 00:45:38,025
♪ Your happiness is guaranteed
864
00:45:38,060 --> 00:45:41,780
♪ I'll fill your heart with ecstasy
forever, darling
865
00:45:41,815 --> 00:45:43,660
♪ Do I love you?
866
00:45:45,580 --> 00:45:47,580
♪ Do I love you?
867
00:45:48,780 --> 00:45:50,780
♪ Do I love you? ♪
61668
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