Original subtitles

♪ MARTHA REEVES AND THE VANDELLAS: Nowhere To Run ♪

♪ Nowhere to run to, baby

♪ Nowhere to hide

♪ Got nowhere to run to, baby

♪ Nowhere to hide

♪ It's not love I'm a-running from

♪ Just the heartbreak I know will come...

One moment, please.

Hi, I'm Sophie Straw.

I'm in The Jim and Barbara Show.

Sophie Straw... Ah, yes.

Would you like to go through? Thank you.

♪ Nowhere to run to, baby

♪ Nowhere to hide

♪ Got nowhere to run to, baby

♪ Nowhere to hide...

Hello! ♪ I know you're no good for me

♪ But free of you I'll never be, no

♪ Each night as I, as I sleep

♪ Into my heart you creep

♪ I wake up feeling sorry I met you

♪ Hoping soon that I'll forget you

♪ When I look in the mirror to comb my hair

♪ I see your face just a-smiling there

♪ Nowhere to run

♪ Nowhere to hide from you, babe

♪ Got nowhere to run to, baby

♪ Nowhere to hide

♪ I know you're no good for me

♪ But you've become a part of me

♪ Nowhere to run to, baby

♪ Nowhere to hide

♪ Got nowhere to run to, baby... ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN: Just got that Clive Richardson on the wireless,

The Awkward Squads. WOMAN: He's very easy on the eye.

The first time I ever felt nervous- (ON RADIO) ".. hopeless, though.

That Sophie Straw, or whatever she calls herself. "

"Oh, yeah?" "I've heard she's rubbish. "

Den! Everything alright?

".. in a summer show in Clacton. " I've never even been to Clacton!

"Don't know how she got the job, she couldn't act for toffee!"

(SLAMS SHUT)

What if I mess it up? (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi, Soph. We've got some last-minute script changes.

We've done a tiny rewrite - - on the opening scene. - Right. - Right.

So... I can't learn all that!

Oh, Den, is it too late to recast? What?

Oh, they're kidding, Sophie. Jesus Christ, you two.

This is her first time, so just knock it off.

Sorry, Soph. We just wanted to say break a leg.

Why? Oh, oh, oh. No, no, no.

No, no. Soph, it's just actor speak for 'good luck'.

Yeah, cos it's bad luck to say 'good luck. '

(GASPS) Fuck, I just said 'good luck. '

Oh! Oh!

What if I mess it up? Look, Sophie, darling.

Even if you fluff a line, I'll just make up a little joke

about how it's your first time, - ha-ha-ha. - Right.

Everyone out of Sophie's dressing room, right now.

Er, not you, Sophie.

Oh, Den...

what if you've made a mistake? What if I can't do it?

I haven't made a mistake and you can do it.

And this is all just nerves.

It's quite natural, but you can use it.

You can use the nerves as a sort of fuel.

I don't really know what you're on about, Dennis.

Once you're out there in front of an audience,

you'll be fine.

Trust me.

You're a natural.

You're brilliant. (SNORTS)

You're Sophie Straw.

(EXHALES) Now, there is a...

hair curler, still in your hair.

Oh! Yeah.

Now, take a deep breath...

(INHALES) ... and you're ready to go.

(KNOCKING)

It's showtime. Yes.

You can breathe out. (EXHALES)

Ooh.

(SIGHS)

So, in this Comedy Playhouse,

Jim works for the Foreign Office.

Ooh! (AUDIENCE OOHS)

And Barbara is his 'cleaning lady from up north'.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(WARM UP CONTINUES FAINTLY)

Ah!

Oh, no!

(KNOCKING)

Just a minute! We need you on set, Miss Straw.

(WHIMPERS)

So, after three... three! (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) That's wonderful, wonderful, yes.

So, now let's make that laugh a little bit bigger if we can.

Great pep talk Dennis, She's not coming out now.

(KNOCKS) Um, Sophie?

Slight costume issue.

What's happening? A slight costume issue.

Imagine... your mother-in-law...

breaks wind at a wedding. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

That's it, that's it, very good. Well, now that we...

(ON RADIO) "Haven't got the cast yet, Bert. "

"We need to knock back the recording time. "

WARM UP:.. get to know each other! So, everybody...

Seriously? Who the fuck does she think she is, Shirley Bassey?

Get Polly.

Bollocks to it. No! (SLAM)

Well done, everybody, well done.

Oh, I've got a man there who's showing me how to wind wool.

Oh, no, I think he's saying 'keep going, keep going. '

Yes, apparently the cast must still be in the bar (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) So...

Shit! OK, we haven't got another pair.

I don't know why I've come on. I'm not due for another week.

Just performer's nerves. Your cycle's out of sync.

Oh, I've not used one of them before. What? How old are you?

My Auntie Marie disapproved. Don't ask.

Haven't you got a pad? No.

Just get those trousers off - and shove it up. - Alright.

Sophie, can I help at all? BOTH: No!

I thought this might happen.

She hasn't had drama school training. She's bottled it.

(ON RADIO) "Um, so, still not ready to record. "

Agh!

Where's the fucking talent?

Ow, this thing hurts! Don't ram it up your wee-hole.

Right.

If you don't come out this instant, you little diva,

I will kick the bloody door down.

(GRUNTS) (OBJECTS CRASHING)

(SIGHS) Let's go do a show.

Why is she wearing jeans?

...maybe I should find out where everybody's from.

So, anyone from Outer London? MAN: Yes!

Oh, you, sir. Very good. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Don't suppose you saw the cast there, did you?

(LAUGHTER) I wonder where they are.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, they are back from their holidays.

Let me introduce Dennis Mahindra, the producer.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

What the fuck? I'm so sorry.

Well, hello, everyone. Um...

Apologies for the slight delay.

None of us could find the 'on' switch for the cameras.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Would you like to meet the cast?

AUDIENCE: Yes! Very good.

So, playing Jim, the political hotshot,

is a man with a glittering career on stage and screen,

the pinnacle of which is, of course,

playing Captain Smythe in The Awkward Squad.(AUDIENCE OOHS)

I give you the one and only...

AUDIENCE: Clive Richardson! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Who's in charge here? AUDIENCE: You are!

Very good.

And playing Barbara, the cleaner with a difference,

introducing our hugely talented newcomer,

Miss Sophie Straw.

(APPLAUSE)

(WOLF WHISTLE)

(LAUGHTER) Hiya!

Good luck. First positions.

Enjoy the show.

MAN: First positions, please. MAN 2: Running camera two.

Hello, boys and girls.

Let's go for a take, then.

(PRODUCTION TEAM CHATTER)

And... Action!

Of course, Cicely, darling.

There is absolutely no other woman in my life.

- - Jim? - Hmm? - Shall I flick it on your knick-knacks?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Cicely, darling, please.

My boss and his wife are on their way over here.

Now, I am due a promotion and they're expecting to meet you.

And without you, Cicely, I... (DISCONNECT TONE)

Cicely?

(SIGHS)

Oh, God!

What am I going to do?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

WOMAN: Shot 62, coming to camera three.

Alright, let's try this one more time.

Hello, I'm Cicely. How lovely to meet you.

(HIGH-PITCHED, POSH) Hello, I'm Cicely. How lovely to meet you.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) No, no, no, no. I'm Cicely.

Oh, so you're Cicely now? Does that mean I'm Jim?

I think that would be a bit of a stretch.

What? No, no, no. No, no. Can't I just be myself?

No, absolutely not, no. You're from Liverpool.

- Blackpool. - Well, either way, he's not going to understand a word you say.

Look, perhaps it's better if you don't actually speak at all.

Er, just... just make noises.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) No, not that one.

(SCREAMS DAFTLY) Alright, alright, off you trot

to the kitchen to prepare - the hors d'oeuvres. - The what?

Hmm! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(SQUEALING) Mm!

Ah! Here she is! The hostess with the mostest.

(SQUEALS POLITELY)

(HUMMING)

(KNOCKS CAMERA) Oh, shit! I mean:

(SQUEALS) shit! (AUDIENCE GUFFAWS)

Right! First positions, we'll have to go again.

Ah! (NERVOUS LAUGH)

He says... He says we have to do it again. So sorry, everyone.

They should've splashed out and got a proper actress, hoo-hoo.

(LAUGHTER)

(GIGGLING)

And tell Sophie Straw not to hit the ruddy camera!

(SIGHS)

(SQUEALS) Mm!

Do tuck in, sir.

Is that it? I'm famished!

Oh, come on, sir. That's very nearly a mouthful.

(MILD LAUGHTER)

BILL: Fucking audience!

Wouldn't have hurt them to laugh a bit more.

It's free, for fuck's sake. Just took them some time to warm up.

You'll tell us in a minute they were laughing inside.

It didn't help that Sophie was determined to bump into the camera.

Mm, they really laughed at that.

Where is Sophie? Den, mate, what did Ted Sargent say?

Well, he's not here.

He usually sticks his head in if the show went well, so...

That's it, then. We're fucked. Ted Sargent hated it.

Will you all just calm down?

He didn't give anything away at all.

Well done tonight. You were great.

Even managed to upstage Clive.

Not deliberately. (CHUCKLES)

Thanks for saving me.

Here.

Trust me, they are the future. Thank you.

See ya.

Sophie!

Um, we're all in the bar.

I'm sorry, Dennis. I can't stay.

Oh, well. Well done for tonight.

Did Ted Sargent like it?

Bits of it.

Sophie, is everything alright?

My dad was rushed into hospital last night and I...

Oh, my goodness... need to get the last train home in case...

...well, in case.

Is there anything that I can do?

Don't worry about the show.

Safe journey. I'll...

let you know what happens.

Ooh!

She came then, did she, her ladyship?

The girl who had better things to do than rush to her father's deathbed?

Deathbed? I've had a stroke.

I've already told Dad how sorry I am I couldn't come.

You'd better have a good excuse.

She's going to be on the telly.

And I've got a ten-foot tail. Auntie Marie...(SIGHS)

I've been acting in a TV Comedy Playhouse,

and if I'd have come yesterday, I'd have lost my chance.

Is this one of your tall stories, Barbara?

Like when you told everyone your mother had been abducted by aliens?

You did the TV show, then?

And was it worth it?

My dad's poorly, so I'm just here to settle his bill.

Tell Mr Parker it's on the house.

Oh.

Thank you.

We could have had it all, you and me.

We were golden.

King and Queen of Blackpool.

Right.

(RADIO PLAYS) "Captain Smythe was played by... "

SOPHIE AND GEORGE: Clive Richardson!

(BOTH LAUGH)

You two and your radio. (TURNS RADIO OFF)

Oh, Marie, put your feet up a minute.

I haven't got a minute. The whole boarding house is in a state

after that Scottish family left. I swear they had rabbits with them.

There were pellets all over the floor.

Can't believe our little Barbara's going to be on the telly.

(CHUCKLES)

Here you are, Dad. Do you want the blanket?

Hmm? Yeah, go on, then. It's free.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, he seems much better.

When do they expect him back at work?

They don't.

He won't be going back. He's a liability.

It's harsh, but there we are.

Oh, Auntie Marie, no.

I know you think this is all my - fault. - Well, it's not been ideal,

but he's not been right ever since your mother broke his heart.

(SIGHS)

Oh, he gave us a terrible scare.

Terr... (SOBS)

Oh... come on.

I just don't know what to do. (SNIFFLES)

Him sick and you gone.

I'm at capacity with everything and I can't split myself in two.

It's alright, Auntie Marie. (CRIES)

Have a sip of tea.

My little London adventure's over.

I'm back now.

(SIGHS) There you go.

Oh!

You've put in too many leaves. It tastes like soot!

Oh, Barbara.

Ooh, maybe not those flutes, Bill.

Sorry. They're a bit of a family - heirloom. - Wow, there's posh.

The only thing I ever inherited was acne.

I hope you like the show, Edith.

Well, a bit late if she doesn't. The show's on TV in...

oh, now.

Why... Why wouldn't I like it?

Well, be honest, Edith. Is comedy really your thing?

Nonsense. Edith has a great sense of humour.

What was it that really made you giggle the other day?

Oh, when you mispronounced the word

'embourgeoisement. ' (LAUGHS) Easily done.

(TV PLAYS) Right, right, right, right. Shh.

Ooh, is it starting?

What?

It's a special occasion.

(LAUGHS)

(ON TV) "Cecily, darling, why? I mean, what's wrong?"

It's our Barbara! Ooh!

Oh, my God. My face looks all mad wonky.(GROANS)

"Mmm?"Shall I flick it on your knick-knacks?" (LAUGHTER)

"Er, just... just make noises. " (BLOWS RASPBERRY)"No, not that one. "

(SILLY NOISES)"Alright, alright. " (LAUGHS)

".. to prepare the hors d'oeuvres. " "The what?"

"Is that it?"(LAUGHS) "I'm famished!"

"Oh, come on, sir. That's very nearly a mouthful. "

Could've sworn I got a bigger laugh - than that on the night, no? - Yes,

but we had to use the second take, the audience are always more muted.

Could've nicked the laughter from when Sophie bumped into the camera.

Fuck off. I don't need her laughter off-cuts.

"Oh, you must give me that recipe!" (CHARACTERS LAUGH)

"It's so nice to see a young couple so much in love. "

GEORGE: Hey, it's your name. Well, your stage name.

Oh! Well, that's very professional.

Oh, very good, love.

I wasn't sure about all the kissing and cuddling at the end.

They're not married, are they, Jim and Barbara?

That's the point. It's modern.

Hmm.

Well, perhaps we should have some of the proper stuff, then.

Ooh, are we having - a celebratory schooner? - Well.

Well, we should make the most of it

because it's probably just a one-off. (LAUGHS)

Well, whatever happens, love...

...you've made us ever so proud.

What do you think, Den? Will Ted grant us a series?

Well, I think he'll wait for the, er...

ratings and the reviews to come in first.

Well, if he doesn't give us a show, fuck him. His loss.

I'm up for a huge part in a film with Julie Christie.

We're trying to do something different here. Give us that chance.

The Comedy Playhouse was that chance.

This is a television network and not an experimental theatre group.

But Tony and Bill, they're not just writing...

a comedy about an odd couple falling in love.

They're challenging expectations. They're just challenging,

according to the press. The reviews are decidedly lukewarm.

Yes, but the one thing they all agree on is Sophie Straw.

Ah.

'In an otherwise underwhelming effort, etcetera, etcetera... 'Yes.

'Newcomer, Sophie Straw, is certainly the one to watch. '

It would have been helpful if she'd watched where she was going.

First rule of live recording is don't bump into the furniture,

let alone the cameras. Yes, but she scored a laugh off it.

Most other actors would have just crumbled.

She's raw, but she connects with the audience.

Well, she certainly seems to have connected with you.

She's a find.

Let me direct it. I know what this show can be.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? 4758.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

On the mend, thank you, Mr Mahindra.

Yes, yes, just a minute.

Hello?

Yep.

OK.

I understand.

Yeah.

Thanks for letting me know.

Alright? Mm-hm.

It's probably for the best, love. You couldn't have done it anyway.

Oh!

I'm so sorry, love.

Ted Sargent said yes.

You what? He said yes?

Oh, we've got your hospital check-up next week.

Maybe we should go for a walk on the promenade if you get the all-clear...

and we need some more potatoes, yes. Erm.

Erm.

Listen,

if you don't go to London straight away and do that show...

...I swear I'm gonna have another stroke.

But she's needed here. Marie, no.

George, she can't just come and go as she-Just shut it!

Alright? Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh! (LAUGHTER)

What does a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?

(SHOUTS) (LAUGHS)

It's Sophie Straw - from the television! - Hi, Dennis.

Good to see you. Christ, Den, pump her arm any harder,

water will come out her mouth. (LAUGHS)

Yes, erm, sorry. Ooh, come on, then.

Tell me what's been happening. Well...

So, the good news is

Ted wants the first show on air in just over six weeks.

And the bad news is... Ted wants the first show on air

in just over six weeks. (LAUGHTER)

But this is an opportunity for us to do something original.

- - Mmm. - Yes. - Yeah, we pushed boundaries with the pilot,

and now we can talk about all the - things we want to talk about. - Mmm.

- Poverty and privilege. - Oh, yes. Sexual revolution,

gender inequality, absolutely anything we want.

Ooh, just the thought of it gives me a bowel movement.(LAUGHTER)

Ooh, I need that drink.

- Ooh-hoo! - Yeah, you've got some catching up to do.

Get that down you. No, these thugs don't know how

to treat a lady, right? Why don't I get you a nice little cocktail?

Thanks, Clive. (LAUGHTER)

♪ ASTRUD GILBERTO: Goodbye Sadness (Tristeza) ♪

Oh! What? Ooh!

What's that? That's a whiskey. (LAUGHS)

Wow.

(APPLAUSE AND SHOUTING) Got it!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

And not forgetting... Quite right.

(BELCHES) (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

- My God, Soph! - Disgusting! I've never seen anything like it!

Could you keep the racket down, please?!

Ah. Oh...

I'm joking. Oh, my God! Oh!

(RELIEVED LAUGHTER) Yes, I didn't even know you were here.

Having a brainstorm with my editorial team.

MEN: Hello! Hello!

Hi, I'm Sophie Straw. Edith. Dennis' wife.

Oh.

Well, congratulations. Oh, yeah, thank you.

Thanks very much. (GIGGLES)

See you tonight, darling. Yes.

BILL: Right, well, I make it you owe me four whiskeys,

two beers and a lady cocktail. Yes. I remember.

(DOOR OPENS) Oh, it's good to be back.

Did you miss me?

It said, 'Newcomer, Sophie Straw,

who looks like a cross between Brigitte Bardot

and the girl next door. ' Oh. (MIMICS DAFTLY)

Well, your new best mate, Diane, seems to think

you're the next big thing. Well, I didn't bring Diane back

a stick of this, did I?

Am I meant to bite it or suck it?

Well, I'd say that's entirely down to personal preference, Marjorie.

Oh, come on, give us a hug.

Ooh! Get off me.

The first episode's gotta really set its stall out.

Like Den says, it needs to be original, edgy,

politically challenging and satirical.

So,

managed to write any ground-breaking comedy yet?

So far, Tony's come up with a great one.

Barbara and Jim are a couple. You gotta admit it's good.

Television awards all round.

Here we are.

We'd make a great couple, Den.

Chin-chin.

I wish Jim could be queer.

That's a great set-up, right, Tone?

The married homosexual.

That's edgy and original.

Yeah, and it would get us all fired by Ted Sargent.

Yeah, Tony's right. It's a good idea, though.

No, I don't think TV is quite ready.

A Night with Val Doonican!

(LAUGHING) Ooh, that old Irish rocking chair fella

wants to spend the night with me? He's 36 years old.

And don't flatter yourself.

A Night with Val Doonican is only the most successful

TV light entertainment variety show on air!

(SQUEALS) And they want you for a guest appearance.

(LAUGHS) They've got a wonderful idea for a sketch.

Val doesn't understand a word you're saying

because you're Blackpudlian, and (LAUGHS)

you take the mickey out of him because of his Irish brogue!

(LAUGHS) So, basically, we're just making fun of our accents?

- Yeah. - Bill and Tony would say that's a cheap laugh.

Try telling that to Peter Sellers. (CLEARS THROAT)

Now, while those beatnik scribes

pen you a series, I shall single-handedly

mastermind the next step.

Well, here's a thought.

We could confront an issue that, you know,

many people struggle with on their wedding night but won't discuss.

Constipation? No, Tony. Sex.

Isn't that what most people do as soon as the wedding guests have gone?

Cor blimey, Tiger. Revealing yourself there a bit, aren't you, Den?

What do you think, Tony? Barbara and Jim are married

but they haven't had sex. Is that... realistic?

Bill, mate. Because, um...

maybe one of them's got a psychological problem.

Ah, frigid wives have been seen before, Bill.

I don't think it's the wife that's got the problem.

Hm. Interesting. Start typing, Tony.

Now, look here. I don't say this to many of my girls,

but there are times in a career where the tide turns...

...and pulls you inexorably towards your destiny,

towards stardom.

It happened to me,

and to Patsy too, although obviously to a lesser extent,

and now it's happening to you.

So keep your sails trimmed, your fingers crossed,

and let's hope for green lights all the way, hmm?

(SQUEALS)

Green lights! Green lights.

All the way! (LAUGHS)

Oh, darling, Diane Lewis called for you.

She would love to do another interview with you.

Oh, well, I really like Diane,

but I'm not sure I've got much more to divulge to Cherry magazine.

Oh, well, she's not with Cherry anymore, darling, she's with Nova.

They're billing it as 'a new kind of magazine

for a new kind of woman. '

What's wrong with the old kind of woman?

Well, anyway, Diane would love to take you shopping later.(GASPS)

Yes, just a relaxed, 'two girls having fun in private' type thing.

Well, with a photographer.(LAUGHS) Oh, you can get a new dress

for the Val Doonican! Shall I let them know it's a yes?

Patsy, get Val on the telephone now.

Yes. (SQUEALS)

Wow. So, this is where you used to work?

This is where my mum gets her girdles.(BOTH LAUGH)

Marje!

This is my flatmate, Marjorie.

Marje, this is the photographer, Ari, and Diane.

It's so great to meet you, Marjorie. I've heard loads about you.

Likewise, yeah. No, I... I won't shake your hand.

No, no, it's just I've had my mitts on feet all day

so they smell like, erm, bum-hole.

(LAUGHS) Let's go.

Hiya. Alright?

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Hello? Excuse me.

What's going on here?

What are you all doing here?

You've got work to go to. (CLAPS HANDS) Shoo! Shoo!

Madam, may I be of service...

Miss Sykes!

Long time, no see.

I see you haven't shifted the badger. (LAUGHS)

How does it look?

Absolutely perfect.

(LAUGHS) You dirty little show-off!

Give it! (GASPING)

I mean it!

Give it!

Get it off your...

What are you gonna do, fire me again?

(GASPS) Oh! (GIGGLING)

Woo-hoo! Security!

Whee! (SCREAMING)

♪ YMA SUMAC: Malambo No. 1 ♪

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING)

(SHOP WORKERS GASP)

Woo!

What are you doing?! (LAUGHS)

(GIGGLING)

(SECURITY GUARD SHOUTS)

♪ JACQUELINE TAIEB: 7 Heure Du Mat ♪ (CAMERA CLICKS)

So, what are you interviewing women about now, then?

Divorce, careers...

orgasms. (GASPS)(LAUGHS)

Oh, crikey! Oh, that's a bit racy

for an ordinary girl from Blackpool.

If you were an ordinary girl from Blackpool,

you would still be there.

What about this for the Val Doonican Show tomorrow?(GASPS)

Yes, great. Your nan would love it.

Try... this, instead.

Diane!

That's basically just a bag of glitter.

I wore more than that when I was fan dancing at the Whiskey Cat Club.

Go on. Dare you.

(APPLAUSE) Our next guest has just wowed audiences

in a Comedy Playhouse as beautiful Barbara from Blackpool.

Please welcome the lovely Miss Sophie Straw.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Ta-da! (LAUGHS)

Ta-da!

That'd give me wind.

Sardines. (LAUGHS)

I think they're just posh pilchards.

I got them in a delicatessen. Delica-what?

New hair, posh pilchards,

wine for tea?

Nah, you've changed. (MOUTH FULL) You're right.

I really have changed. (LAUGHS)

".. Miss Sophie Straw. " (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Come on.

"Sophie, meet TV's Mr Magic. " "Hello. "

"Pretty little thing you are. " (AUDIENCE OOHS)

Oh, my effing God! Could you not afford the other half of the dress?

(LAUGHS) "I may be a magician,"

but it is gonna take an absolute miracle

to keep that dress in place. Oh!(LAUGHTER)

Oh, I think we'll be fine as long as I don't sneeze.

(LAUGHTER) Does anyone have any pepper? Pepper? Salt?

"Oh, I think you're salty enough, mate. "

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES)

Guess what? I'm interviewing Jacob Bronowski.

Vernon's been grilling me all day on The Identity of Man.

Right.

Sorry. Um...

It doesn't matter. Go back to your dumb blonde on her variety show.

She's not dumb, actually.

And she's not blonde, actually.

".. we have a special guest tonight!

Roy Target and Chuffy. "

That was low. Sorry.

Well, it's not like you.

It's not like me to feel threatened.

(ON TV) "Oh!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(GASPS) Fan mail!

I got actual fan mail?

One letter.

When I represented Diana Dors...

...she got two huge sacks every day.

Mmm. Crikey. On which note,

Mr Magic telephoned, darling.

He was very impressed with you on the Val Doonican Show.

He made an impression on me.

His breath smelled of eggnog.

Oh, well, he would love to take you out.

Hmm! Oh! No.

Alright... we'll politely decline.

I'm sure there's another young starlet who's...

very happy to be dragged to the Vaults of St James.

I hear it's the grooviest nightclub around.

Maybe I'll check my diary.

♪ THE CREATION: Making Time ♪

♪ Making time

♪ Shooting lines... ♪ Put your sunglasses on,

because you are about to be blinded.

Evening, boys, snap away.

Hm?

Sorry, sir, you're not on the list.

(LAUGHS) I am...

Mr Magic. Still not on the list.

(CAMERA CLICKS) Oh, that normally works.

PHOTOGRAPHERS: Johnny! Johnny!

Oh, my God, Sophie! Diane! (LAUGHS)

I don't know what this list is, but we're not on it.

Ron, darling, they're with me.

Yes, ma'am. (LAUGHS)

Hm.

(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

May I have the honour?

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

Of course, it was me who invented the disappearing bra trick.

I whip off the brassiere using only my...

telekinetic powers. Would you like a demonstration?

If you're wearing one.

Hiya. Who's that?

Um, Johnny.

He's totally off his chump, but he wants to say hello.

Oh, right.

Hello! Oh! Ha!

It's alright, allow me.

Huh? Hmm?

Lots of them. Oh! Goodness.

Hey, babe.

We've met before, right? I don't think so, babe.

I checked you out grooving with your grandad.

What did he say? What, what - did you say? - That you're groovy.

Right. Is that a good thing? Yes.

Yes, it's a good thing. Thank you. That's TV's Mr Magic, that is.

Oh!

Well, he should magically make himself disappear, shouldn't he?

Back to 1952. If you'd pick a card...

Hey. We're all heading to a party.

You should ditch him and come with me.

Er, it's past my bedtime.

I've got something that will keep you up.

Now, don't tell me the card, I shall shield my eyes...

Sniff it.

(COUGHS) Oh, no! (LAUGHS)

Sorry! Fuckin' hell!

What the fuck are you doing?! Come on, come on, let's split!

Come on! (GIGGLES)

And as if by...

Show us your magic wand, then.

Fuck off!

Come on, let's get on 'em. (LAUGHS)

(BOTH SCREAM AND LAUGH)

(SLAM) That's pretty good.

I'd buy that.

Sorry I'm late. I got my stiletto stuck in a manhole.

She never disappoints.

Congrats on the Doonican show! (APPLAUSE)

Well done, Soph. Ooh!

Hello, Sophie. Hi, Dennis.

(SNIFFS) BILL: What the fuck, Clive?

Oh, you never heard of the classic script sniff?

I heard Hancock used to do it to grade how funny

a script smelt out of ten.

Ooh, you smell funny. Oh, get off!

This is Brut by Faberge.

More like Shit by Toilet Spray. (LAUGHS)

(SNIFFS) Well, I think you smell nice.

BILL AND TONY: Oooh! Are you literally five years old?

Yes, it'll soon be their nap time. Why don't we get it on its feet?

So...

...episode one, Trouble Down Below.

♪ DUANE EDDY: Rebel Rouser ♪

OK, so back. Let's get the feel...

(BANG) Oh! And I bash me head.

Could do a little, er... has to be dramatic.

Can't see your face.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh! Very good.

Hooray! Oh!

(SQUEALS) (APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER) Very good.

So then, finally, Barbara and Jim are actually in the bed,

and then you emerge from the covers.

'Limp as a noodle'?

Does that mean we're s-Sorry, are we actually saying that I'm impotent?

Well, we're implying that- Er, err!

Barbara is sexually experienced, yeah.(SIGHS)

Sorry, Soph, is that a problem? Bloody hell!

My dad and Auntie Marie and the neighbours will be watching.

Well, you explain to your family that the show isn't real.

Well, I don't think they've quite got the hang of it because,

you know, Barbara is from Blackpool and I'm from Blackpool,

and she's called Barbara, and I'm called Barbara... (LAUGHS)

It's confusing.

It is... You're called Barbara?

Well, I used to be.

What? When? What? When?

Er... until the day you met me. (LAUGHS) Why didn't you say anything

when we called your character Barbara?

I didn't know I was allowed to, and you-Excuse me.

Sorry, darling, sorry. Can we just park that

and talk about me just for a second.

Are we actually saying that I can't get it up?

Uh, wait, now you're doing it. Jim's not real.

Yes, we are saying that Jim can't get it up.

(SCOFFS) Have I ever got it up? Not in our comic universe, no.

OK. So, we're basically saying I'm a virgin?

I mean, people won't buy it.

I mean, look at me. Hello. Fuck me!

That should be on your gravestone.

"Clive Richardson, too good-looking to be a virgin. "(CHUCKLES)

Your character has a psychological block.

I could probably sue you for this. I mean, slander, libel.

There must be something. I'd go to trial every day

if that went to court. We're just trying to make it real

for the audience. Lots of couples have problems.(SCOFFS)

Well, I don't. You're not you, you're Jim.

(GASPS) Maybe Barbara could be upset and think it's her fault.

No, actually, that is a lot more realistic. Thank you, darling,

thank you. No, no, why should it be her fault?

She's not responsible for your hydraulic failure.

Christ! So that's actually what hydraulic failure actually means.

That he's actually got something wrong with his knob.

With his head. It's psychological. I like it.

I think it's modern. Well, of course you fucking do.

You're not the one with erectile dysfunction.

I like that Jim's upset.

Shows he's not afraid to show his emotional side.

I think that's...

...sexy in a fella.

(LAUGHS) Is it?

(SIGHS) Anyway, look, what happens next, though?

I mean, he can't just stay limp. What's the solution, chaps?

With my ex, it was a bag of chips and a pickled egg.

Oh...

Well, alright, we'll work on it. Erm...

You two go and have lunch on the production.

Tony and Bill, back to the typewriter.

May I, darling?

Yes, you may. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES)

BILL: Pickled gherkins? Got two Ks in it.

(LAUGHS)

I've heard about this place. (GASPS)

Doesn't Mick Jagger come here?

Maybe. You know, I hadn't noticed, actually.

I can't believe they just let us walk straight in.

Thank you. (LAUGHS)

When I went to that club with Mr Magic,

they weren't interested, and he's a really well-known face.

Ah, well-known farce, more like. (CHUCKLES)

And, um... Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)

Frankly,

well, he's no Clive Richardson.

(SNORTS) (LAUGHS) I'm only joking.

Ah.

Don't look, but over there,

it's Terence Stamp and The Shrimp.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

She is gorgeous.

Well, you didn't exactly do badly when God was handing out looks.

(LAUGHS) Er...

Well, nor did you.

Erm... So... (CLEARS THROAT)

We're all just looking at that sunrise,

and then the boat rocked, which is impressive given...

Let us toast the beautiful TV lovebirds.

Oh, thank you, Mario. Thank you.

Cheers, darling.

(CLINK) Down the hatch.(LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Delicious.

Everybody seems to be staring at us, Sophie Straw.

How about we give them something to talk about, hey?

Follow my lead... (CLEARS THROAT)

(KISSES)

(WOMAN GASPS)

You know, Sophie...

...I have never met anyone like you.

What, Northern?

♪ MICKEY AND SYLVIA: Love Is Strange ♪

(DOOR SLAMS) (GIGGLES)

Mmm...

Who's in charge here? Mm, you are.

(BOTH LAUGH) Oh!

♪ Love is strange...

No complaints, I hope?

No danger of confusing Clive with

poor old Jim and his limp noodle?

Oh gosh, no. (LAUGHS)

What do you think the others will say?

Well, I don't think they need to know about this, do they?

Dennis takes a rather dim view of cast liaisons.

What do you mean?

Oh, no, it's just, you know, something I heard.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY) ♪ Love is strange... ♪

(TRAIN HONKS)

(PANTING AND MOANING)

(CLOCK CUCKOOS)

(CLOCK CHIMES) (TRAIN HONKS) (GASPS)

Oh, Jim! Oh, my goodness!

I think I preferred you with hydraulic failure.(CHUCKLES)

I can't keep it up. Oh, I can.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE OOHS)

Is it my imagination?

The chemistry is particularly good tonight.

They've fucked!

♪ FRANK WILSON: Do I Love You (Indeed I Do) ♪

♪ Here I am on bended knees

♪ I lay my heart down at your feet

♪ Now do I love you?

♪ All you have to do is ask I'll give until there's nothing left

♪ Now do I love you?

♪ As long as there is life in me

♪ Your happiness is guaranteed

♪ I'll fill your heart with ecstasy forever, darling

♪ Do I love you?

♪ Do I love you?

♪ Do I love you? ♪